The Worst Idea Of All Time - 03: A Friend of Pitbull w/ Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: January 7, 2023

This episode is available in video form for our supporters on TWIOAT.Substack.comIn this third watch of F9, we’re joined by longtime supporter of Tim and Guy (and NOT the podcast itself), Paul F. Tompkins. We continue to try to find out who’s related to whom, learn how PFT treats his live comedy audiences (not well!), and wonder how nuts the F&F Dads would go if Vin Diesel got huge breasts. Come for the special guest, stay for the five-star review from someone online who has apparently watched the flick one hundred times.Artwork by Tomas CottleTheme song by Luke Rowellworstideaofalltime.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Music 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Hello everybody and welcome to the third episode of this, the sixth season of the worst idea of all time. Did I get the season number right this time? Yeah, you did. Oh, why'd you laugh then? You threw me. Well, I laughed because I'm excited by the episode. I'm excited by the guest because if I remember correctly, our guest today is a man who told us as long ago as season two

to stop doing this to us. In no uncertain terms. My name's Tim Baird. His name's Guy Montgomery. Welcome to the stage, Paul F. Tompkins. Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? Oh, yeah, it's just us, Paul. You can talk to us directly.

Is that the standard opener in clubs in New Zealand As well as United States How's everyone doing? I read recently I'm trying to focus on my stand up a little bit More Paul at the moment And you really gotta get the how you're doing

Out of there, you gotta get it out of your vocab Because no one gives a shit. It's a crutch. No. You're wasting time. I instead, I say, keep it going for your MC. I say that. And people seem to love that

because they'll start clapping. It's nice. It's generous. It's something. Yeah. What do you say when you're at the clubs? Oh, when I'm doing the clubs, I'll go out there and the first thing I do is say, where are my singles at?

And then I will start to roast people. I love to roast people. And so I find people on a date and I roast them for the date. I say uncomfortable things. on a date and i roast them for the date um i i sound comfortable things uh when people are alone i like to roast them for being alone yeah um i love to make fun of people's clothing their hair um god what else clothing and hair are the big ones uh weight yeah a classic oh wow either either like the extremes yeah so what who's who's getting out of the blast radius in terms of height is it like if you're above six foot if you're between if you are i would say five seven to six two you're in the clear that's what that's got to

be 95 if you're out of that range that's on you not the places i play i also i also have a height requirement and a minimum at my show you must be this tall you have to be this tall or this short so there's two lines this tall is five foot so there's there's a whole seven inches there where people are coming in being like well he's not gonna get us because otherwise why would he let us in yeah bang is it true that you've got all of your you've got it like on your hand you know people write out a set list you've got all of these benchmarks to hit we've got height weight singles yes like in a 7-eleven by the door so i can i can judge like right away you know how tall somebody is from i haven't like

all worked out with the perspective right so i've practiced this with like putting action figures like on a shelf and then judging so i can instantly say uh hey what do you what do you five five and then the person is shocked because it's exactly how tall they are. And it's also, it's an added challenge that they're seated, right? So I had to, I had to, okay, I don't want to talk about this. I had to build like a scale, two scale comedy club. Way behind the curtain now. With action figures.

And then the height, you know, the yardstick, you know, behind them. And then it took some practice because there was like a good month where I was getting the heights close but not exact. And you really got to get it exact. And I'll bet you there's still some long leg, short torso people who are slipping through the net. That was a tough nut to crack. I finally figured it out.

I made the tables, I made a requirement that the tables had to be smaller. The base of the, you know, the tabletop had to be smaller so I could get a good look at the legs. Oh, that's so good. That must be so uncomfortable for the patrons. Well, they're just putting like a drink on there. You know what I mean? They're just putting a drink on there.

They're not eating a full three-course meal. I like that most comedians have material based on where you're from. Each specific major city in the world. I never ask anyone where they're from. You've got a joke for 5'4". You've got a joke for 5'3".

Tim, you get it. It's different jokes for each height. Listen, we're here because This podcast Listen Paul shut the fuck up Hey Paul would you kindly shut the fuck up For one god damn moment This podcast

Watches a movie And the movie Right now Is F9. That's like Woody Guthrie's guitar. This podcast watches a movie. It's quite artful. I feel like an artful way of putting it. It's stirring.

We watched F9 and we all watched F9. We did. And we all watched it apart. I'm fresh from watching it. Are you? Lucky boy. Should we do a quick round, Robin, on conditions of watch? Maybe we'll go Guy briefly, then me briefly,

and then Paul, will you rip into it? I didn't actually book Paul. You know I was against this. You booked him. So I don't know how much context he has on this season, but I just want you to know, because I do value your opinion. We're not doing this 52 times. We're doing this nine times.

Yes, I have been briefed. Okay. And so Tim, this is for you now. We're a third of the way through our F9 journey. This specific movie. And that is, to me, that's quite gratifying. I actually watched this. I went full immersion.

So I watched this. I downloaded it onto my phone on YouTube. I bought it for $19.99. Oh, my God. AUD. And I started watching it in a taxi on the way to the airport, in a vehicle, you know, to really get a handle on what it's like. I watched it in the departure lounge and then i

finished watching it on the plane and for what it's worth to my eyes the movie makes the most sense on the plane interesting i wouldn't have thought that a lot of movies you could have also gotten onto some sort of spacecraft 100 that's That's true. That would have been great. Yeah, and if only I could have gotten to Monte Quinto, you know, to really experience it in some of the surrounds that are featured in the movie. I watched it. Forgive me, I've just watched the movie

and retained almost nothing. But is Monte Quinto, is that the ancestral home of the tornado family? Toretto? No, no, Monte Quinto is is that the ancestral home of the tornado family? Toretto? No, no. Monte Quinto is a... That's work. They are like a tornado family because they destroy everything in their path that they come to contact with.

Monte Quinto is sort of like the... It's the unnamed enemy from Top Gun Maverick. It's a sort of made-up country with a very inept military. It's where they... Love it. It's where they retrieve the device. The aptly named device. I watched this so late last night.

I kept like looking at the clock going, I got to start it. I got to start it. I got to start it. I got to start it. I got to start it. I got to start it. I got to like 11.30 p.m. It's so long, this movie.

I finally finished all the things I needed to do. And then I started watching it. And so I am ashamed to admit, but I will not lie to Paul or our audience. Like my eyes were closed for a lot of it, but I was awake for all of it. So I sort of absorbed half of it as a podcast. Now, but here's the thing. When you were in that state where you're so tired and you're like, I'm just going to close my eyes, but I'll remain awake. You don't know for sure that you're awake that whole time. That's true.

Well, yeah. No, look, ultimately. It's so easy to drift off. And we could all be living in a simulation too, Paul, but I tried my best and I'm pretty sure I was awake. You didn't have to hit me with that. I apologize. I did rewind it a couple of times because I was like, hold up, I missed something.

And I actually did go back, which is a nightmarish thing to do at 1.30 a.m. while watching F9. Going back by 10 minutes on F9 at 1 a.m. to catch something that you missed. But Paul, tell me about your watch experience. I watched it this morning in two installments. I watched it from 8 a.m to 9 a.m then i had a brief telehealth appointment then i resumed my watch in the same room i was in a room by myself um decent sized tv uh it was available for free on hbo max So I didn't have to, um, uh, rent or buy it. And I, I really tried not to

touch my phone. I really, really tried. Thank you for trying, but there was, there was some phone touching and I would, I would put it down for periods. And then I was like, let's see what that phone's up to. Um, but, um, but I did, I did watch this movie and uh as i as i told tim off mike um this is the third no i guess the fourth i saw the first three fast and furious films and have not followed the progression the the the you know just pure insane progression that they're taking to get to this point it's actually quite a satisfying journey you've been on because you feel like you've probably got some of the necessary data but then i suppose those those five intervening movies quite a lot yeah quite a lot last one i saw was tokyo drift where the innovation was cars going sideways so there's there's quite quite a jump

from that they're really quite far down the list of car and car adjacent things that we can throw in a movie now yeah so do you like what's if you had to describe this movie in a hurry Paul there's a fire and it's about to engulf the entire theater but very quickly you must tell everyone about it's not like what what sticks out to you in terms of what is in this movie that you have to tell this crap it's about to die it's the last thing they'll hear it's not like before they leave the theater everyone's gonna get out but you know like here's what i'm imagining yeah it sounds like tim's gonna set these people free but i like the one you've described so i did say it in a way where it's like these are the final words they're

gonna hear they need to know their kind of eulogy for their final moments on this mortal plane is the synopsis of f9 or a slightly more merciful version is that none of these people have seen it you're the only one who's seen it and they have to when they leave the cinema the only way they're allowed to survive is once they run under the fire there's a person there and they have to be able to convincingly articulate what happens in f9 and you are their only it's justin justin justin lim is that his name lin lin. Justin Lin is like St. Peter guarding the exit. I guess it's in reverse, but you get it. So is the theater, was it supposed to show F9?

And then inside there's a fire. You got it. And did I go there just to see the movie again? No, you were presenting it. Or am I there for this specific purpose? You were presenting the movie. So you were sort of emceeing the film. How did this film come in?

You were doing your height stuff. There was a slight problem with the projector. It's so much better in a theater. I jump up immediately. Like, oh, there's so many different heights here. There's no table. I hold legs. You get a great fix on everyone.

Everyone's in the exact same kind of chair. It's perfect. It's so good for your shit. It's your dream theater. Okay. I would say. I don't even care anymore. Well, I do want to try to.

Yes, please. From this movie up. The, the Tornado family is back at it but yeah torredo these guys are gonna die if it's not the fire the tornado family is once again having to get fast and furious in order to save the world is Is there a threat to the Earth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there is. And it took us a couple of watches, I think, to fully appreciate that.

But yes, Project Ares threatens the world. That sounds familiar. Yeah, the device is very threatening. That little black thing, when you get both the halves and put them together and combine, what's the name? Han's daughter. She has to touch it, I think. L. Yes.

It creates like a supercomputer weapon. Because the key was the DNA. You did watch the fucking movie. Yes, of course. Which no further explanation needed. I understand the key is a human being because the parents put their DNA as the lock. Yes. Yeah.

That's right. That's what they did. They were very clever. And I would thank you not to think about that anymore. Yes. Yeah, that's right. That's what they did. They were very clever. And I would thank you not to think about that any more. No. Thank you, audience. The important thing, look, we don't have time to get into the backstory

of the potions and the beakers. Let's just focus on the here and now. She, the daughter, is the key. Yeah. There's a lot of problem solving just by writing a very plain line of dialogue in this movie. Now, Paul, I'm asking an expert here. Who do you think the tallest person in the film is? And I hasten to add this may not be as straightforward a question as you might initially think.

My first thought is perhaps it is, um, John Cena and, but then Kurt Russell appears in flashbacks. I feel like he might be tall, but I don't know how tall, I don't know if he's John Cena tall. I'm going to say John Cena. Yeah. And that's probably a little bit of a high advantage over you. What?

I have no way to verify this. So that sounds right. You have an opinion. Hmm. I have no way to verify this, so that sounds right. You have an opinion? I would like to think that Kurt Russell is taller, and in my heart he is. His stature as a person. He's the tallest in my heart, for sure.

I know, for a fact, Vin Diesel is the shortest. Shorter even than his son, Brian. Yes, little B. He's so little. Is that the curly-haired boy? Yeah, that is the curly-haired boy. Now, is that the curly haired boy yeah that is the curly head boy now is that is that dom's okay let's get into this because i thought i had a handle on it on watch two and now i'm confused again after watch three i'm gonna because here's what i here's what i assumed based on honestly just shit that i've heard over the years about this franchise. Okay.

I assumed he was the son of Michelle Rodriguez and Paul Walker. Yeah. I thought that too. I thought that too. I was hoping for a confirmation. I thought that too, but there's a couple of things and there's lines in this

that set up like that is the case no that couldn't possibly be true because oh but Paul Walker's character is still we believe alive in the franchise but then again oh you know he is because he drives away in the last one he hasn't been seen for so many movies that if they did have the baby

it might only be one I think he died during the filming of 8 it couldn't be the baby because he would during the filming of eight and then they it couldn't be their baby because he would be older he would be like it he'd be nine or ten you know he'd be having trouble fitting in at school i don't know if if the logic was really a concern and we also don't know how much time has passed at all that's true installments right i mean this is sick there's no real evidence you do know when this is set. There's no real evidence. You do know one thing, Paul,

that cars, they no longer can just drift. They can also go to space. There's so much stuff they can do. I don't want to skip over this family connection thing, though, because it's really fucking bugged me. Can I present?

Oh, no, you guys can speak later. But I feel like I've hoovered up enough data to honestly say that Brian, little B, is Vin Diesel's son. I don't know about that. We hear Michelle Rodriguez's letter. She says, your mother. She says to Brian, your mother. Yeah.

And I know that sometimes they do refer to themselves in the third person. Like Vin Diesel will often say to him, what did your daddy always tell you? Be precise in life. That's what's throwing me. Because you would say that as if your dad, who's no longer here, would say that all the time. But there's another line of dialogue. One of them says, Dom, this is Cypher, the woman who killed the mother of your child. So the mother is dead at the hands of Charlize Theron.

And you can only imagine the sort of pithy aside that she would have. Which like, thank God that very ham-fisted bit of dialogue's in there. Because I would have no concept of why Vin Diesel didn't like her or really why she was bad, save for that one line. Are we to believe that this was information for Vin Diesel that he did not have before? So they had Charlize Theron in this franchise in a previous movie. And are we to believe that these two characters never met? Maybe.

They didn't meet in this one, right? There's no like she is. She's in a cube. She's in the cube. She's stuck in the cube. And then later in a cool VR drone show. But the kid, man. Whose kid is this kid?

We got to find this kid's dad he's lost in the mall of fast and furious that line that threw me this time was um letty goes she wait who gives him the crop the necklace letty does and says your your your dad your father gave me this and i'm giving it to you i've got a present for you your father gave me this and I'm giving it to you. I've got a present for you. Your father gave me this and I'm giving it to you. Why the fuck would you do that in front of Vin Diesel if you were saying all of this in the third person if Vin Diesel was his dad? Do you know what I'm saying?

I don't even know. I lost track of the people in your retelling. We've got little B. He's the kid. Lizzie is Michelle Rodriguez. Lizzie is the woman. I'm going to refer to her by whichever name is easier for you, Paul. We've got... I. He's the kid. Lizzie is Michelle Rodriguez. Lizzie is the woman. We can refer to her by whichever name is easier for you, Paul. We've got.

I understand who Lizzie is. We've got Vin Diesel. They're all in a room together. Dom. And at the start of the movie, so they've gotten the Metal Gear Solid message from Kurt Russell. They know they have to go and get the device from the plane crash. And they're like we're going at dawn so michelle Rodriguez is like i'm there vindees was like no yeah and then

lady has made a decision and the night before they're putting little b to bed she gets the necklace and says i have a present for you this belong your dad got your father gave this to me and i'm giving it to you why would you say and do it in that way in front of indiesel i think she's i think she's panicking and i think basically she's trying to get out of the barn and their loveless relationship and she's just like and are they a couple thank you right yes yeah apparently well we we believe i mean you've got the same data that we do you've actually got three movies of, you know, back catalog to reference. But I saw those movies when they came out, which is a lifetime ago.

What, like 20 years? How old are these movies? I couldn't tell you. We haven't watched the first one yet. Although I might have said. You will not look up any release dates until then. Why would you? I actually, I did stumble across some comments on the youtube um like people who wrote comments underneath because you know when you it's actually quite a nice detail on youtube

you're in a movie and you can see what internet users who watch movies on youtube think of the movie and it provided some uh great feature backstory the Five months ago, King underscore Julian wrote, Far, that skyline pulling up in the driveway gave me chills and wet eyes. Just thought that didn't happen to Paul. He's still here. I has been watched the movie 100 times so far. Can't get enough. Wait, how many times?

100. What? King Julian sounds like a great get for the podcast. If you can track this guy down, you've got to have him on. I don't want anything to do with that guy. It sounds like the ramblings of the Zodiac Killer. I love the phrase, gave me wet eyes. What's happening?

There should be a word for this. I understand there's supposed to be a certain amount of wet, but this seems like too much. Am I dying? Speaking of dying, I know this is sort of veering off of whatever territory we're currently discussing, but we're discussing whether or not Vin Diesel

and Michelle Rodriguez are a couple or what was the alternative in your head, Paul? Like, what were you tossing up? They were just friends. I mean, they're part of the family of the Fast and Furious gang, and they, for whatever reason, they were like, at some point, they were like, I'm out of this life. I'm not going to have a phone anymore.

I'm just going to have my guns, and we're going to live on this farm, and it's going to be great. Yeah, and anyone can leave whenever they want yeah sure we've just got this big band full of guns and you go whenever you like i don't i don't remember them making any arrangements for someone to look after little b when they they totally did oh wait well they have one line later in the film Saying he's safe He's with Yeah I've got it Mia says this Mia

The sister of Don Toretto Also I thought when Mia And Letty hug When they reunite In the secret hideaway In the Caspian Sea I thought they had a lot more Sexual chemistry

Than Vin Diesel And Michelle Rodriguez Not a hard bar to clear That's true But she says I literally wrote the line down. Your kids are in the. It says they're safe.

Your kids and mine are in the safest hands possible. And it's sort of set up like a family cutaway. Like you're meant to go and see them. A giant kangaroo as their babysitter. Teaching them how to juggle knives. A giant kangaroo as their babysitter, teaching them how to juggle knives. I thought there was more to that because I thought she named who the person was.

Because at one point in my head, I got it that the kid had been dropped with Paul Walker's character. And now I'm real confused. That's what I believe. And I also believe because of that YouTube comment from King underscore Julian, because I was wondering if that blue car at the end was john cena arriving for the meal and it was always tim you were sort

of always suggested it's actually paul walker and them saying seeing that skyline gave me wet eyes uh that that i looked this time i looked at the car real close that john cena drives it's not that and it's got a camaro it denotes the idea that that is pa Walker's car. So they're keeping this guy alive. Go on, Paul. I don't understand what that gets you. The idea, unless it's pure sentimentality on behalf of the people that make these movies where they're like, this is a way so that he will always be alive to us is that we keep his character alive in these movies. So that it's just a known thing that in these i don't know it's falling apart for me

the tension well just like the idea that we we will always miss our for our real life friend paul walker but if we if we continue to make these movies, and there's no stopping them. They're going to continue making these movies. If we keep the character alive, it's a way of keeping him alive for us and for the fans. We cannot, though. We can farewell someone who passes away. I haven't seen the new Black Panther movie, but I'm pretty sure they don't keep the idea alive that chadwick bozeman is like gonna yeah this is the thing that gets me the car drives up and it's right before the end credits roll which in any other movie you would take as a setup for oh shit the next movie

we're gonna get him again it's like he's passed away that's not unless they princess lair in which i will be very very upset about i feel like they would have done that already if they were going to do that i feel like this would have been the one they sort of did in i think it was eight during the production of which he passed away and there was just a couple scenes and they used his brother and then they kind of computed his face onto his brother they should just get a lookalikey. Was that the wrong verb, Paul? I think it's right. There'll be someone dressed in a white singlet and jeans,

a pretty good Paul Walker on Hollywood Boulevard right now. Just hoover him up, put him in Fast 10. Seems like bad taste. And just like, nah, nah, just see how he does. Because if you're acting against Vin Diesel, it's not like it's that hard to keep up. That's a good point. What did you acting against Vin Diesel, it's not like it's that hard to keep up. That's a good point. What did you think of Vin Diesel, Paul? What do you think of Vin Diesel generally?

Have you met Vin Diesel around the traps? Has he ever come into the club? We have yet to cross paths. I'm sure it'll happen. I'm not a huge fan. This is his thing. this is what he does and and he's very successful at it people enjoy it um he doesn't do anything for me I will always hold it against him that uh he played Groot in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies because that could have gone to he got so much

money that could have gone to anybody you know and give a give a another actor a break you know what I mean there's other actors with deep voices that could have done that and not only that but then he he took it upon himself to uh do all the foreign language dubbing of of Groot like for every language because it's only one sentence and it's like well now you're putting foreign actors out of work like this is their only thing and you're you know there's a guy

who is the Vin Diesel in every country for all of his movies that adds a real classy touch to all the international releases everyone can say the real Vin Diesel did that he's a lover of language he's a friend of Pitbull he's also Mr Worldwide. Sounds like friend of Dorothy what does it mean to be a friend of Pitbull? The complete opposite of friend of Dorothy is friend of Pitbull. I know exactly what you mean. Now we've only just met But we're on the spectrum of you between

Friend of Dorothy, friend of football Where do you sit? Me and my girlfriend notice you from across the bar Can I just ask you Are you a friend of Dorothy or a friend of football? We think we like your vibe He's exhausting company And if this is what he's like when he's at

I mean, is he just like this in real life as well? He's exhausting company. And if this is what he's like when he's acting, I mean, is he just like this in real life as well? He's just so tense. Dude, I think he is because this is, well, actually Guardians is a good point, but apart from that, he's not in a ton of stuff. And I feel like he is a guy who, there's something very dangerous about, there's dangerous about a man with nothing to lose,

but there's something more dangerous about a man with just one thing he's holding on to that's made him really successful and he could lose it at any point and i think that's where the you know this because paul you probably don't you live in hollywood for crying out loud you're a hollywood man you must have heard of these rumors of of vin and um who the fuck is it again? The Rock? Is it? The Rock and Vin Diesel. And Statham? Statham was in the post-credits sequence of this movie. Statham's alive.

He's hard or sharp. Him and The Rock had a massive beef because they both wanted to be represented as the alpha. And it's interesting they had that in mind when you watch John Cena and Vin Diesel fight because it's a very equal fight. one no one sort of totally gets the upper hand i also am excited to track backwards and see like you know animosity between the rock and vin diesel on the movies grow towards a friendship potentially even a flicker of excitement

and performing together in this giant franchise. I do know that, and you've probably heard this, that Vin Diesel has it in his contract that his character cannot lose a fight. Oh, that's written down. So whenever they make these movies, if there's ever a fight, it can be a draw, I guess, but it can never it can never be where Vin

Diesel is on the ground you know bleeding from the mouth and somebody else is walking away that makes it so hard for the writers and for the audience to suspend any sense of disbelief or excitement because I wonder how this will end that's right

it's publicized and stipulated in the contract and I'm sure his justification end That's right it's publicized It's stipulated in the contract And I'm sure his justification is It's for the fans the fans don't want to see him lose a fight No Don't you want to see Dom Toretto lose a fight These little people in singlets with their fists all clenched up Walking out of the cinema ready to cause a riot All they have

All these losers you can't take that away from them How good is this scene when Vin Diesel Is uh Vin sales Vin losers you can't take that away from them how good is it how good is the scene when vin diesel is uh vin cells the people who refuse to have sex they refuse to lose that sex like if they come before their partner they will lie about it. No, no, no. That's winning to them. They're premature ejaculators who win. Exactly. I won.

But how good is the scene? You're not first, you're last. Exactly. When John Cena, he gets set free, he figured out that the key is the woman, and then they suck all the guy's guns with the big magnet, and then Vin Diesel winds up at the top of that steel ladder area, and there's like infinity henchmen coming at him,

and he locks the door on Michelle Rodriguez, and he's like, I will always love you. That was pretty good. And then he does this thing where he- You shouldn't really say that about your own performance. Yeah, you can. It's a bit of a hack, Tim. And he jumps down from on high,

and he's like, he puts both of his arms up, and he's tensing his muscles as high as he can it's like what it's like what a child would do on a playground because it's in his movie it works and he comes down still tensing his muscles one of the most vulnerable positions you could enter a fight nothing covering everything exposed and it would take so long to defend or throw a punch it's so funny and then you just oh you go when i see a dude like that that's all like him the rock whatever dudes that are just like i'm a monster now this is you know i've gone beyond just being in shape to where like I'm a monster. And I know that that is attractive to certain people.

And then I guess, is it the same as dudes who love like just enormous fake tits, right? Where like beyond, beyond like, but beyond nature where it's just like, yeah, she's got like 54 quadruple D's or whatever and it's like i guess

somebody likes that you know it's a it's a culture and i think they're the same person actually i think it's very much the same dude and it's the kind of guy who i think would buy tickets early for every one of these films that come out he buys cars based on the ones that are in these movies you know like it used to have the skyline. I can't stop thinking about if Vin Diesel got massive fake tits, how wild that would send these fellas. Man. Finally, I didn't realise, but this is everything I've ever wanted.

Putting those two things together. Vin Diesel walking around with his big ass can saying it's all about family. His platform boots so he can be as tall as his son. There's a great moment, Paul, that I think Guy's sort of referencing, which you would have seen this morning where right at the end

when Vin Diesel's walking the little boy around and it's got a wide shot and it's got fucking huge heels and the only other person in the scene is a child unbelievable what what did you tell me paul tell me about your watch like what did you did you love anything about this did you did anything get you really fired up no i i mean whenever i try to watch a movie like this at home i i just instantly realize like yeah this you can't there's no point you know if you can't watch this on the biggest screen possible there is absolutely no point to watch it well because the action's

just not as fun then you're just left with the dialogue of the performances sorry i'm so sorry as a man who recently watched this movie on a phone, I can absolutely testify to that. There's no more dull ache than watching some, like, multi-million dollar action sequence, like a car exploding in a ball of flames and just feeling absolutely nothing and knowing that there's two hours and ten minutes still in front of you.

There's something very full of rhyme about that as well, which hadn't occurred to me, but, like, I'm in bed, blurry-eyed, watching this again, and I was watching it rhyme about that as well, which hadn't occurred to me, but like I'm in bed blurry eyed watching us again. And I was watching on a mobile as well and watching these accurate action sequences, which are endangering lives and putting like Hollywood professionals to the absolute limit in terms of pulling these things off both computer and, and practical effects.

And I'm just like, Oh, this fucking garbage again. Like it's, it all feels a bit grotesque and i don't know it's the thing is i mean i did early on there's a couple just absurd things that happen that i i laughed out loud and i thought okay that's if you're gonna if you're gonna do that that's great you know what i mean like when they when they drive across the collapsing great you know what i mean like when they when they drive across the collapsing rope bridge yeah and when um dom hits the old uh grappling hook or whatever the fuck you know and i was like

okay if this if this is what this movie is going to be i can i can absolutely appreciate it's things like that that are camp yeah it's straight camp and it's like that's creative it's like you know that they were laughing when they came up with this, you know. But then it just kind of, it just sinks into like regular old action where it's like they're driving through a minefield and like this, you can't, you can't. You got to make, you got to do something fun with that.

You can't just have to be, well, fingers crossed, we'll drive through the minefield. Yeah, you're right about that. The rest of the movie doesn't reach that high watermark of like fun with that you can't just have to be well fingers crossed we'll drive through the yeah you're right about that the rest of the movie doesn't reach that high watermark of like fun from that it's the same problem fun ridiculous stuff we spoke about in the last episode too much is that vin vin diesel his dom treanor has no it's not that he's not funny it's got he's got no understanding of humor i wouldn't be surprised if there's a subclause underneath must win a fight which is also must not smile must not be around a character who makes a genuinely funny joke cannot find humor in any moment in the series it's such silly fun and then it's intercut like it's all these really goofy action sequences and then don teredo with his you know

he's just he's always clenched by his size physically and and literally he's just this fucking clenched up dude i was actually jealous when when um when he after that big jump down with his arms clenched action sequence and he fights off all the henchmen then he goes into the water and he's sort of like about to drown and starts hallucinating yeah i was like that looks nice you wanted to drown while you were watching this oh my god kind of it looks nice he just it's like he wasn't in his reality he was visualizing all this stuff and i was like oh a little holiday he gets to take a break during this movie that reminds me of like zoe's

told me my wife is a doctor has told me about times when she was working in the hospital in the like emergency department because they do all the different zones when they're training to be a doctor and uh she was like you know there were times when i was working so hard and i've heard this from other doctors in training as well that like I just wanted to get hit by a car a little bit to take me off for a few days. Not in a way where I would be killed, but in a way where I could. Yeah, just a little 25-kilometer-an-hour side swipe that would, you know, break a leg or two,

take me out of the running for a while. I think that what we are doing is equivalent to the hard work that our doctors put in. Paul, can I ask you a question? Would you like to have seen less or more Kurt Russell in this film? Oh, more. Absolutely. Are you a big fan?

I've always loved him. Yeah. I feel like he's one of those guys that you just, he's so charismatic. You instantly like him in whatever he's doing. He does it no matter what type of role he's playing. He's always fun to watch. Um, and this was like such a boring part for him to play.

And you know, he still brings it. He brings the right energy. He's, he's doing what Vin should be doing, which is having a little bit of fun with it. It's so different because this is all Vin has, and Kurt Russell clearly doesn't give a fuck.

That's the difference, right? He's on set, I would guess, for three hours for the whole film. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, yeah, we'll just get through this. And he exudes joy and light and liberty, even though his character is, I don't know, some big wig CIA guy. And I buy it. I like sure he's texting god he's texting goldie horn like as as action is called then he puts it in his pocket he's like yeah i'll be done in five yeah yeah yeah exactly have you have you fellow seen the movie bone tomahawk starring kurt russell haven't even

heard of that one it's a really it's a wild movie and i urge you to see it i'm not going to tell you too much about it but the way the thing that made me watch it was hearing matt gorley and andy daly talk about it on their podcast and saying there's a thing in it there's a moment in the movie where a thing happens that once you see it you are changed forever oh come on paul you gotta give us a little more than that no that's the right amount wow okay can i tell you what flashed into my head yeah full frontal nudity from kurt russell oh you wish oh got it you wish okay that's not at all what happens um and maybe i'll watch it now when i when i got to this moment in the movie i thought i i instantly pictured like kurt russell in bed with the script reading

it for the first time with like reading glasses on and just laughing out loud like when he got to that part and that's what made him do that that's a that's a very tantalizing tease well now if we can just get through six more screenings of fast nine maybe a little treat that's a good idea a little dessert after f9 a palate cleanse before we find out how they wound up in this wacky situation i also would like to say that when I was watching the movie, when they got to Edinburgh, for some reason, there was a false ending for me. When they got to Edinburgh, I was like, oh, we're on the slide home. Oh, yeah, it's not.

And so I checked how long. We were exactly halfway into the film. It's not only halfway. I thought it was the start of the third act. My God. I'm so sorry, but while I remember it, can I just ask Paulul what was your response because so you haven't seen this film before no to dame helen miriam turning up uttering the words don torrent i had i heard she was in the movie um i couldn't remember is this the first one that she's been in or is this like the time, the time frame of the Fast and Furious movies for me is like, I don't know.

When I when I realized how long ago since the first movie, I can't I just can't fathom that it's still happening. And I was like, oh, I guess this is the one that Helen Mirren decided to do. And I just I just felt like good for her. I would have liked to have seen more of, I guess I wanted to see a movie about her character. This elderly gentlewoman thief, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's cool. She should have her own Hobbs and Shaw side movie.

I feel as though we're going to be hearing more from her as we travel further back in time. Do you think so? It's so hard to tell because they throw characters at you in this film and you're like, I don't know, is there backstory? Unsure. Unclear.

No, anyone that famous. I feel like, you know, Kurt Russell, Charlize Theron, Dame Helen Mirren, they're all appearing. They're all recurring. They've all been given a movie where they have much more important roles to play. Because in the same way that this franchise i think um increases the intensity of things they can do with cars and about cars i will say they all i think they also need to just find new stars to throw in each they've got a skeleton right they're like this this is a movie

where vin diesel saves the world again from a apocalyptic threat involving a lot of four-wheeled vehicles. And now we need to insert how they operate in an interesting new way and some new cameos. We're nine in. They've featured and you're like, yeah, come back. You know, it's a day. It's a day. You can do a day, can't you? Well, I mean, people, the bad guys in these movies they must know

about the toretto family and how good they are at cars and so i feel like getting into a car fight with them it's one of the last you have to know you're not gonna win right so you have to you must figure out some other way of doing your thing that does not involve cars at all. The villains should be on bikes. Right? Those rentable scooters? Rollerblades. Yeah. Just an all-acoustic vehicle. Bicycles, skateboards. Everything that

does not involve an engine, they should be on. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, Letty.die i never seen a man on roller blades before it moves so slow there's no way we can slow down while we're talking about it i gotta say that last sequence where they're like literally throwing cars at a bigger car for a movie that purports to love cars it's cool they disrespect them with wanton regard they they destroy hundreds of cars do you know because i had the headphones lodged in late at

night and i have my eyes closed for some of this time i could hear they had some like transformers sound effects in there as well i was like oh they're just making a transformers movie at this point it's the magnet thing like the sounds of the transformers transforming a little it's a yeah just some of those sci-fi things i don't want to get too um you know in the weeds with that paul i don't think you're much of a car guy am i right in saying that actually i like cars oh what do you think the cats are really you read to me more as a massive virgin. What? That's not the continuum. That's what I felt like. I probably seem like a fucking loser who doesn't like cars.

I don't think that's on me. I don't think that's what that question means. I learned to drive late in life. I didn't learn to drive until i was 40 and then i love driving i love driving and i really it was like a switch got flipped where all of a sudden i looked at cars very differently and i i love to i really like to just like um like window shop for cars essentially and think about what it would be like to drive different cars. Yeah, look, I got a lead foot. I got a need for speed.

You know what I mean? I love that. So did you get juiced up in a car way off of this movie? No. Do you want to go right at all, or is that final answer final answer your honor paul likes to go and look at sort of you know secondhand 2017 priesses and imagine what it's like to now you're talking oh man just to imagine putting a magnet on the back not a sticker because you know it hurts the value um yeah i mean i there's with a movie with movies like this it's like it's just such an onslaught

that it's not fun yeah you know what i mean it's like you can't really appreciate it also because it's just like it's fucking ridiculous like yeah it's so unreal that it's like it's not even like fantasy fulfillment you know yeah yeah it's just script as you're both looking for are fast and furious okay i was going somewhere um off that question based on the assumption that you were in a car guy so apologies for that um follow through the second half the question was what do you think because you're you're one of the most stylish dudes i know oh thank you to in podcasting laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing You're known for your fashion. You're a very stylish man. And I'd love to know what you thought of the fashion in this movie.

Hey, Paul, seeing how you don't like cars, maybe we could talk to you about the clothes. They're both important components of the look and feel of the Fast and Furious franchise. I mean, it's very... Vin Diesel, it's like a uniform a uniform right that he wears in these movies of like the white t-shirt and and jeans and whatever i mean it's not i didn't even notice the the clothing in this movie at all it just was it just was really it's very utilitarian

you know what i mean um and yeah nothing there was no there was no color to it There was no, nothing stood out really Sex in the City 2, this ain't That's right You said a mouthful, brother There's one, there's a shirt that always catches my eye At the end, right when they're about to have dinner And he's telling his son, his assumed son

That he's got to say grace He's wearing a baby blue button-down polo and he's telling his um son that that's his assumed son that he's got to say grace he's wearing a baby blue button-down polo yeah he's his big ass tits are literally exploding out of yeah yeah it's fun it's always funny to me i've talked about this before whenever you see like the rock in a suit it's so funny to me that it's like you've no you forfeited your right to wear normal clothes you can't do it anymore yeah you went down a different path you traded that away for some other some other things exactly you have to always wear a t-shirt a tight t-shirt that's all you get there's something

to wear normal people clothes three tailors in a warehouse a ladder is involved. There is something about seeing like, you know, to reference what you were saying before, the monster sized men. When they're kind of going like past the men's fitness cover and into like bodybuilder territory. Yeah. Putting them in a suit is fucking funny.

It's so funny. You're cramming 40 pounds of sausage into a 20-pound bag. I always think about those guys trying to keep things in their pockets. Like, it must be so hard to get their wallet out. Because everything's tense as well. Everything's so tight. I find it, when I wear jeans sometimes, I'm like, oh, it's so annoying.

I've got to get this out of my pocket. Their whole life, their fingers must be so mangled from trying to get a key out. Do you think they do the thing where they push on the material to like, yeah, like coax it out? It's like concrete with a spray denim cover on it. There's no give. You know, if you wear the same pair of jeans long enough and you you put your phone in the same pocket you get that phone mark coming through like they would get it from one wear on anything everything's disposable for them yeah yeah the phone is straining to get out were you paying attention enough at the end to have a call on this when the car comes up?

So we're at the barbecue final scene and they're about to say grace, but then, oh, no, we got to hold on because someone's coming up the drive. Who do you think it is, Paul? That meant nothing to me. I guess I assumed it was John Cena, but then they sort of said goodbye to him. Like, here's your escape car. Yeah. Someone once gave me a 10 second car, which I, okay, I'll take your word for it. And I also don't know what that means.

So I assumed that meant he could disappear or something. or something um and uh i think at that point i i don't even know i guess i didn't see that i guess i didn't see it i think we just got it it's got to be right now i heard the music swelling and i was like oh i can look at my phone thank god to google who that is well Well, according to YouTube user King Julian. Yeah. It's Paul. Keep in mind, he's seen this movie 100 times. And he still gets the wet eyes.

He still gets the wet eyes. It's got to be Paul. It's because he referenced the skyline. This is clearly Paul Walker's characters, Brian's car from previous movies. And just to be clear as well, sorry, I know I'm on a different track now, but so the kid is called Little Brian. Paul Walker is Brian.

That doesn't mean that they're father and son. It just means that Vin Diesel named his son after his friend Brian. Am I right? Yeah, yeah. And then Little Brian's mother is dead. Dead at the hands of Charlize Theron. So who do we think that is?

I don't know who else is in this franchise. I'll bet you it's someone famous and beautiful. Yeah, I reckon you're right. Who probably started disagreeing with Vin Diesel and got killed. And was she, I wondered this was this person in multiple movies or is it one of those where she was just in the one fast and furious and then she she was just there to die i'm gonna assume she was in heaps i reckon they built it up no idea who it is no idea if this is true but it's a great opportunity build up a character oh my god dom torito's got a kid now? What a twist. Oh my God, they killed the mother of Dom Torito's kid?

It really means that no one is safe in the Fast and Furious movies, and any of the main characters could die at any time. What was that little look, Paul? Some of them are not even safe from being dead. Some characters could be kept alive at any time. There are no rules. Hey, Paulul you're a famous roast comedian what do you make of the um comic relief and relentless undercurrent of uh back and forth between tyrese and ludicrous in this film i first of all i i ludicrous and tyrese were not in the movies When I was watching them It made me

It was very funny to me that Ludacris' character was named Ted I don't know why that was so funny to me But just like having a guy named Ted In these movies It's not even weird It's Tej Is that guy Tej?

Yeah it's Tej and Roman, is it really? Is that guy Tej? Yeah, it's Tej and Roman. I thought they were saying Ted. Ted's so much better. I liked it better when it was Ted. Me too, man. Let's roll with Ted. And ludicrous as Ted. Roman made me laugh a couple times. Oh, that's so nice. me laugh a couple times um when he was when he was wandering away from the um the truck that uh

was shot up into the air from the landmine yeah um and he was just like gesturing back to it i that that made me laugh oh that's so good and when he said like the thing about the the wigs when he saw the um the the the lawyers outside barristers uh when they were in edinburgh and um you know he said the thing about the wigs like it's the 1800s that didn't get me but when he said i think i'm in transylvania and there's a straight why transylvania also he finishes it in an unusual sort of way he said i feel like i'm in Transylvania some kind of way. And that's a set that he does there. Because he's like, I feel like I'm in Where's Wally in Harry Potter.

Looking for Where's Waldo in Harry Potter. Yeah. Wow. I gotta give it up. Everyone's wearing these Benjamin Franklin wigs which again is just like I get what you're kind of going for One guy didn't wear a wig

The one guy from that time who did not famously did not wear a wig But you know what he's trying to say Paul, you get it Yeah It's you know, it's Ted and Roman. This is what they do.

And they back and forth. I like even at the end of the movie, Ramsay, that British woman comes and sits down with him and they're bickering. And even she, in the middle of the movie, is like, nah. That got me this time. That was funny. You call Ramsay, yeah.

Yeah, their banter, I mean, aside from those moments, their banter did not do it for me. It sort of became very formulaic for me after a while. I'm sorry. I think that's safe to say. I'm so sorry to hear that. Our thoughts are with you at this difficult time, Paul. Well, I feel as though we're arriving at our thrilling conclusion of the episode so

before we get out here should we all share a little shining light yeah that'd be great is there anything paul that jumped out at you as something worth mentioning um yeah i'm gonna say that the um the first time that dom uses a car to catch someone when when michelle rodriguez letty flies up in the air and then she could die but then he provides her the safe the soft from a great height yes um i was like that's whatever but when he essentially passes a car over to John Cena towards the end. That I was like, all right, now you're getting me back on track from like the early absurdities of the beginning that I enjoyed.

Like that is just an insane thing to say like, all right, strategically what can I do here? I can hit that car'll knock that car over there and then he will be safe like the idea of doing that that that that sort of physics problem in your mind so quickly and your vin diesel was incredible to me it's a nice shining light yeah what about you guy uh i mean i there's there are some action sequences that i i have grown to enjoy and even look forward to often um instigated by letty she's very good at using cars as weapons but that's not um not what i enjoyed i enjoyed this

uh near the end there's a character who hasn't been in the movie at all when they're having the final barbecue, Santos, and he's manning the barbecue and he's waving very frantically. It's not on. There's a lot of smoke coming off the barbecue. Their barbecue's not on. There's nothing. The corn, like it's burning. It's raw corn. Raw corn on the cob.

Burgers are absolutely raw. They're so fresh. Freshly formed. Yeah. There's so many ways to read it, but in the movie, he's like, yeah, I can cook. And everyone's like, okay, thanks. And there's even a shot of Tyrese and Ludacris,

and they'd be like, man, how long's this food going to take? It's like, what have you thought to check on the barbecue so you think santos has got himself in this situation he has no concept of that when he is waving that he's waving frantically and then when they turn around you see the speed of that food wow that was an incredible reveal and then they go on to imply that he is a great cook. He's dissing the other guys like, oh, you open a restaurant? Like, that's not going to be good. You can't even handle outdoor barbecue where no smoke is happening.

And you're so right, Paul. Just don't show us. Just shoot it from behind the barbecue. You really blew up his spot. There's some dry ice in there. Shoot it from behind. We. You really blew up his spot. There was some dry ice in there. Shoot it from behind. We didn't need to see. You could have gotten away with it.

It would have been the perfect crime. It's so good because they spend so much money on all these special effects. And it's like the real world stuff. They just can't quite get it. Well, the moment that really wet my eyes this time around for some unknown reason i think it was so late at night is the little kind of duologue speech um that that tyreece and ludacris have while they're in space in the pontiac fiero strapped to a rocket and they've run out of fuel the boosters aren't working because it's

too cold in space which they didn't account for. They're right next to the satellite Everything else figured out They were all over all of it except they forgot space is a bit cold So how does the magnet

at that point, they're trying to turn the big electromagnet on to destroy the satellite in the car. I love the idea of them being in space in the car and like turning the heat, you know, like turning the heater up to like 24. Honestly, it shocks me they didn't do it. This is just the kind of movie where it's like, I'm going to turn the AC on

and then their skin would burst and they would explode like unpricked sausages in an oven. and they would explode like unpicked sausages in an oven. Anyhow, what I enjoyed this time for some unknown reason was the realisation that they're going to die and they're like, let's take out this satellite. It's a real, kind of the sole moment of heroism that they have in the film where they

attempt to sacrifice their lives to take out the satellite. And, uh, Hey, you know what? On the third watch, it worked. It worked for me at two in the morning.

Cause that's near the end of the film. On that, in that moment, I will say that the, when they get into space and then, uh, Roman looks out and he, he sees the earth from space for the first time

and he has the wonder on his face and it's like, look at us, we're two brothers from the ghetto and now we're in space. Like, that should have been in a different movie. Yeah, yeah. That's sort of like having some sort of profundity like that. No, guys, it's too late. That sort of like having some sort of profundity like that. That's it. No, guys, it's too late.

The writers watched Hidden Figures the night before they shot that scene. We should have something like that in our film. Right. Well, I believe thus concludes our third episode for the season. Our first with a guest, Paul. Thank you ever so much for joining us. Thank you for watching the movie. Thank you for continuing to support our work,

which I know you do in no uncertain terms. I mean, I support you guys. That's so lovely. And can I hasten to say that I think it's like through the lockdowns that we've had in New Zealand and stuff, I have developed an incredibly loving relationship with Threedom. Threedom has become my very most favorite podcast of all of them. Can't recommend it enough. That's very kind of you to say.

Thank you very much. It is also a tricky one if you're not familiar with the three of you to just kind of dive into. So I feel like you need a little, you need to work into it a little bit, but just such a great show. Do you want to tell the people about anything else that's going on in this month of I'm thinking December?

Let's see if you are listening to, Oh yeah. I will be doing shows, my variety show, Varietopia, at Lodge Room in Highland Park here in Los Angeles on December 18th. Two shows. It's going to be a fun holiday show with profits going to charity uh charity tbd but something good not something bad yeah great crucial you got anything going on only in australia where i would continue to encourage people to watch my special on paramount plus the best and only streaming platform is that would I be able to see

it on Paramount Plus in the United States? Do you have any idea? Under no circumstance. Paul, get that out of your fucking head right now. Wait, are you saying like I'm not allowed to or that it's not allowed? Absolutely not. Others also cannot. It is not possible. And also to everyone listening in New Zealand, you can't

watch it here either. Also to everyone listening in New Zealand, you can't watch it here either. Why isn't shit just available to everybody wherever they are? Why not? You just can't. Oh, shut up. You just can't. The special's called Here's My Problems With The 194 Countries That Arm Australia. And it is deeply offensive.

countries that I'm Australia and it is deeply offensive Great way to use the platform Goodbye Paul Oh 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.