The Worst Idea Of All Time - 09: Choc Top w/ Abby Howells

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

It's the nineth and last time the fellaz will be watching F9 and they are both delighted and joined by a special guest, Dr Abby Howells - a self-confessed longtime TWIOAT fan and fellow NZ comedian. Dr Howells discusses the etiquette of eating at the cinema and gives an academic and critial look over Vin's acting performance (spoiler: She didn't love it). It is decided that Ludacris should be treated as a title, rather than a name and Abby reveals she takes feedback INCREDIBLY seriously.Follow Abby on InstagramSee Tim live in Christchurch & Melbourne (Sydney and NZ on sale soon)Guy's upcoming live showsTWIOAT Links Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and welcome to the ninth and final installment in this the first part of the sixth season of the worst idea of all time. We did it. I am, I'm Guy Montgomery and Tim Bett is here as well. Hello everybody. And we are joined by an esteemed and special guest, the great Abbey Howes. Thank you so much for having me on the pod.

You know, I'm a deep fan of the pod. It's very sweet. I started listening in 2014. That's when it started. I was an early adopter. I was on board with the pod how did you how did you find it and what were you doing i believe i was i was living in wellington and someone had mentioned to me the concept that there are these two guys that review grown-ups to

every week and i thought you were american i didn't know you're a new zealand podcast otherwise i wouldn't have listened we did put the accents on for a long time in that first season I was like it's international but I was like I was on the train early like third or fourth ep and I think it's genuinely one of the most like

incredible podcast experiences to go from when I feel like at the beginning you keep saying not a huge amount of people are listening. We could literally, you were represented in the data. Yeah. I did genuinely

cry in the final episode when you two walk out on stage to a packed theatre in Los Angeles to REO Speedwagon Live Every Moment, Love Every Day. I think it was so amazing to go from like, you know, I was going to say idiots, but you were, you know, these two in a room.

Some would say we still are, but you're right, that first season, I think, does a good job of a real journey. It's such a journey. I mean, but the journey goes on. Now we are sat next to one another. And this is very special for us as well, Abby, because you'll know being a listener that we've got a particular connection

to people doing their PhDs for whatever reason. We've got a lot of PhDs listening to the pod, and you are, I believe, our first guest with a PhD. It's a true honor. So you're representing the listeners. I undersold you in the introduction. I should have said Dr. Abby Howes. Thank you you dr howell's is my dad's name please call me dr howell okay dr howell's so we just watched f9 for the last time thankfully and um i didn't i enjoyed

some aspects because we've got a hot new set up here. We watched on a projector and on some comfy couches. And this is, whenever we're at Home Base Guide, this is going to be us from now on. And it was incredible. I mean, it's not wasted on me that your immediate articulation of enjoyment is around viewing circumstance as opposed to... Yeah, movie experience. Yes. Abby... what do you think

of the chairs abby i loved it i i did um i mean as you said the first my first reaction to the space was i don't feel safe yeah yeah that's fair we're in yeah so this is a three-car garage is part of my house that i've sort of taken over as my lair, was the word that you used. Yeah, I did use the word lair. We've got three podcasting V8s parked in here right now. Loveful. Just revving our engines, filling the room with noxious gas because not a window is open right now.

That's right. And these are very American-style recliners. This is sort of your classic leather Lazy Boy set-up, I suppose you could say. Yeah, it is. How many cows went into these seats, do we reckon? Oh, I wouldn't even want to think about it. I think seven.

Yuck, that's too many. And we're good eating cows too. It's a damn shame. Yeah, a damn shame. So, yeah, you came in and you said you didn't feel safe, but I'd like to think that you were immediately, and you're a fan. So, yeah, you came in and you said you didn't feel safe. But I'd like to think that you were immediately – and you're a fan. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. It made you know a stranger would have felt. That's good. No, but it was – but, no, I must – you know, like the first season, it was a journey and I feel safe now. Oh, that's good. That's good. Well, you got – I mean, I tried to give you an authentic Fast and the Furious experience

by driving you here in a car. Yes, you guys did drive me here in a car. It was a sweet ride. How was the drive? It was, it was pretty good. Oh. Guy was very early. We were very early.

Yeah. But I like, because I'm an early person. Were you guys sitting out there on the street for a while? Because I had fucked off. I like came back home and you guys were just sitting in the car. Yeah, we'd been nattering for about 10 minutes. Really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. If it was a fast movie, they would have cut to us waiting. Yeah, right. And you would have said some line that's like, I would have thought I'd seen the two of you here. But instead we sat out there and then 10 minutes into our, I felt like we were staking out your house. Yeah. Tim

pulls up, e-bike ribbed white cotton v-neck t-shirt. I'm wearing it right now. Shades. Hot as hell fresh from a writing session at McDonald's. Yeah I'm trying to write jokes for my new comedy show and the library was shut

so I went to McDonald's. It's the perfect place. Yeah, it's the next logical progression on the chain of places to write. Absolutely. What else is open at 8.30am where you can really stretch out? A cafe.

There's nothing. I'm in the burbs now. There's nothing here. Have you not heard of McCafe? Or alternatively, Tim, your house? Nah, you've got to fucking leave though. You've got to get out of the distractions.

I've got to get out of here. It was exciting to see you but for me, the real takeaway and something I'm still reeling from is... He's going to find my notebook. I've never seen you in a ribbed t-shirt, a white t-shirt, a v-neck t-shirt and all three factors are working in synchronicity for you to look like intimidatingly sexy constantly

i can't stress how much guy has mentioned this this entire time but he has commented on it i would say four to five no less than half a dozen times i was um so close to the mcdonald's which is close to here and let's not dox me please folks i'm where i am now but just keep an ear out because not every mcdonald's is near well it's like there's a pop-up store that had like a clearance clothing what was its name can't no and what and shan't um and uh they they had t-shirts for like five dollars and ten dollars and i i was like nothing is ever in my size and i i grabbed a couple i was like ah this are you you're because i'm little i'm a little dressed like a man who's watched nine fast and furious movies yeah sorry that's where i was fast in the future that's where I was going with this.

So I saw this one on the rack. I was like, that's a fucking Vin Diesel outfit, that shirt. So I bought it for the pod. What you're wearing is young Vin Diesel. If you want to look like old Vin Diesel, you cut the sleeves off. That's true, that's true. It's got like little sleeves, so I'm halfway between. I noticed in this, I mean, young Vin's wearing little sleeves.

I noticed in this, in the flashback sequence, Vin Diesel's drowning. He walks past his young friend of the podcast, Vinny Ben itself, in the hallway mirror. Yes. Old Vin's wearing a singlet with a cut off sleeves. Young Vin's got the sleeves off. Got the sleeves. One of the defining differences between the, I guess,

in the growth of the character. That's what happens as you get older. You lose your sleeves. Yeah. We get taller, wiser. We lose our sleeves. Rafael You lose your sleeves. Yeah. We get taller, wiser. We lose our sleeves. Rafael Nadal gained sleeves. Okay.

I guess the biggest difference for me would be that young Vin Diesel seemed to be capable of a facial expression. I do want to bring this up and I was waiting for this. I was absolutely shocked

to my core that Vin Diesel was. What did you say? Hold on. Abby's quote was about a third of the way through the film. Is Vin Diesel an actor? This is the guy carrying the franchise, the ninth movie of which we are currently watching.

And you say, is Vin Diesel an actor? Nestled in the bosom of his handsome biceps. And you have the gall. Nay the nerve. I am shocked to my core that Vin Diesel was an actor. What did you find out? You did your research. I did my research.

I thought Vin Diesel was a rock or like a, you know. Literally like a collection of animal minerals. I thought he was carved from stone. He looks like one of the fantastic mr four yes i thought he was a statue yeah um i thought he was like the rock or like a um the word is john stamos but it's not John Stamos. John Cena. Former wrestler. I thought he'd come from something else.

Sure. I couldn't, I was like, acting can't be his main thing. You posited former athlete. Former athlete. I argued he doesn't look like he's got the hand eye. Yeah, but I looked it up. Not only is Bindi so an actor, he's a child star. He's a full on actor, like trained in New York in the theater scene and came up. What was the child star He's a full on actor Trained in New York in the theatre scene

And came up What was the child star bit of his career He was like a theatre actor as a child He's like a proper actor It's intense You seem disgusted by this revelation He was He did not

He was I would describe Vin Diegel Throughout this entire film as utterly unmoved by anything. It's a huge part of the DNA of his performance. He's unsmiling, unemotional. I mean, we also discussed whether or not therapy exists in the Fast and the Furious cinematic universe. Do you not think, given that we could argue it doesn't, he's doing a good job of displaying a man who's holding it all in? I could say that he's doing an excellent job of being utterly unaffected

by anything around him, be it a friend that he thought had died and seeing again, utterly unmoved. Be it his car being suspended by a rope and being flung around like a tetherball. Utterly unmoved. You could say his performance is incredible in some ways. Actually, we haven't mentioned this yet. So the PhD which Abby has is in theatre studies, right?

That's like the field of studies. So this is not for nothing. This is an academic describing Vin Diesel I mean I think you accidentally stumbled on the right metaphor at the start a rock a stone man yes honestly I think if they had three statues of Vin Diesel and one had an eyebrow raise and one was nothing and one was like tight-lipped would have done the same job where do you where did you observe the expression in Vindy's performance coming from? What body parts is he really activating to? Mouth.

Yeah? It's mouth. And what's the range? Mouth goes tight. Mouth goes tight. Mouth goes tight. That means that he's like thinking about something. He's not happy.

Mouth relaxed. Best mood of his life This is a great day My best friend who's been dead for six years Is back Did you clock a frown? There's a few little Frown means like it's clobbering time

Like when he took on 30 guys Remember that bit? I remember it well Nice watch Vin Diesel takes on 30 guys. Yeah. Remember that bit? I remember it well. Goodness. Ninth watch. Vin Diesel takes on 30 guys as an outstanding Google search. It is. It is. It is.

And you, not to move us on too quickly, but I'm fearful I'll forget this later. You posited halfway through how cool it would be if Austin Bowne turned up, which I think is such a great idea for where what you could do with this french you know like yeah i feel like with marvel and dc right they've done a lot of stuff and they keep kind of branching out to figure out how you can keep monetizing it's now there's lego and there's all these video games that have crossover and stuff let's start doing franchise mashups like the comic books do austin powers in the fast and furious universe well they went to swinging london can you imagine literally within a second

of arriving in london you were like willing austin powers onto the screen who else are you going to meet in london it's either jack the ripper or austin powers no one else lives there. Dame Helen Mirren. Oh, it was Dame Helen Mirren. That's who it was. Oh, my goodness. Yes. She was doing what an accent, eh? Yeah, yeah. Quite an accent, wasn't it? This is the thing, because we've talked about her Cockney accent before,

but thinking about it today, maybe she had the right idea because doing a- It's a choice. Yeah. It's not like she's Incapable of doing A better version of that accent We know she can do a good accent She's been home

She knows who the audience is For this film And I would You know Suggest that The median Ticket buyer

For F9 Has a very cartoonish idea Of what a Cockney accent Sounds like And Helen's going I'm going to lean into that Who is the median ticket buyer for F9? Describe

Describe who this movie's for 37 year Okay for F9 Yeah A 37 year old man Who I think is White and American And lives in the Midwest and has a family and a job that he doesn't love and likes cars and lusts for his youth where he would get into a little bit of mischief. Parties, you know, illegal drinking, maybe the odd fucking around in cars sort of a thing.

That's the guy. Would you co-sign that? Yes, because that sounds like the opposite of me and I did not enjoy this play. No, it was absolutely not for me. This is your entry point to the Fast and the Furious universe. First dip of my toes into the pool of the Fast and the Furious universe? First dip of my toes into the pool of the Fast and the Furious, yes.

Is it something that you... The Furyverse? The Furyverse. Universe? Universe. I didn't think you should be a word because I still do believe it's the only franchise that's technically set in reality that is competing with the superhero franchises.

It's the only one of the same sort of budget and genre that is technically holding its own or keeping pace with DC and Marvel. The Furyverse. Doesn't quite work, does it? Almost works. Funiverse. Had you deliberately avoided these movies or is it just...

Yeah, I mean, I didn't't – I knew very little going in. You know, I knew that there was going to be some fast cars. I knew there was going to be some Fury. I knew kind of basically it was all about family. Yeah, yeah. I thought maybe they might refer to the cars as their sons. I don't know if that was the family. They'd be like, look at my fleet of sons.

The flashback got kind of close. Yeah, yeah. Jack, learned his name now, Jack Torito, who's Dom and Jacob's father. Played by the great, inimitable J.D. Pardo. Oh, you've got a good memory. I just love that guy. It's amazing you can remember that.

So good. He says they build these charges to last forever. If you take good care of them They can last for a hundred years They're immortal And then little Dom Toretto says immortal Played by Vin Diesel's actual child Real life son And then Jack says

Yes Dom, immortal, like a family So he is drawing the link between the car and the family right there Yes And may I say the apple did not fall far from the tree because Vin Diesel's son is also a terrible actor. Well, okay. I, you know, in every career across every medium, whether it's in the entertainment industry, sports,

you know, bureaucratic, you know, office management, would you not argue that there is an arc in which people reach their apex their their peak and there's a you know there's a often quite a gradual slide a precipitous slide into not being as good at your job anymore is it not possible that vin diesel's arc just like he was he came out the gates best theater actor new york's ever seen no one could believe their eyes at this kid this little bald clenched fisted fucking not giving a single emotion away kid stole the show as all of a twist or what you know yeah and then say may i have some i said i want some more and then so he continues his right his ascent all the way up to maybe the

first fast and the furious movie and then the slide begins is it not possible that he was once a great actor and he's just now in decline true, in the first film he's incredibly emotional he's a regular sort of Adam Driver that he's like and everything's like I can't believe it

and he's crying constantly and over the course of the films you might find that he just sort of really really closes the heart I think this was very generous of you to buy Guy's premise Because it is incredibly fluid Actors don't get worse Generally they get way better Unless health concerns creep in

Every Kurt Russell Doing his best work in F9 Kurt Russell Helen Mirren Everyone literally phoning it in Everyone showing up After morning tea

And leaving before afternoon tea But so capable Not for lack of skill For lack of caring Because they're so capable At this point in their careers I don't I'm not arguing that not

That some actors Do not improve with age And grow into their own I'm just saying This isn't a skills gap This is you're saying The performance you give Everyone's arc is different is you're saying the performance you give. Everyone's arc is different.

So you're saying maybe Vin Diesel doesn't care anymore and that's why his performance is lacking in this? If Vin Diesel wants the Diesel family,

I don't know if that's their birth name, to remain truly immortal, we looked it up. He has to accrue a certain amount of generational wealth and the Fast and the Furious

franchise is the sole means of him doing that. He's showing up of his own volition to accrue a certain amount of generational wealth and the fast and furious franchise is the sole means of him doing that he's showing up uh of his own volition but also somewhat against his better instincts or will i want to say his birth name is vincent thomas i think it was petrol i think i have there is potentially some validity to your claims because I know that Vin Diesel is a massive Dungeons and Dragons player. And I know a few years ago he, I'm not sure about this, but I would guess self-funded a movie where he plays his Dungeons and Dragons character. Tell me about this. What is this movie?

How does it work? What do you know about it? I don't know much about it other than like he's in dungeons and dreams you like typically play a character for a really long time and unless they die um but um i know i was just can i may i tell a funny story always okay absolutely not okay not on this podcast to ask for permission yeah but it's not strictly related to fast nine but um one time when i was at university my friend um there was like a guy and he was really trying to impress my friend and trying to sort of court her yeah and his play was to i will campaign an excellent dungeons and dragons which i will invite her to and um that was going to be his move oh it's a big move it's

a big really sweet yeah and i'm really going to impress her with my dungeons and dragons campaign and um he was running the campaign and he'd ordered some pizzas and as a cool move he jumped um like over the couch and kind of landed on the couch and then he was like and then he got the pizzas and then later he was like and then he got the pizzas and then later he was like hey abby me uh could you help me in the kitchen for a second i was like absolutely sure went into the kitchen he's like and he pulled up his shirt and there'd been like a scissors in the couch no and he fully impaled himself he had he had a stab wound and i was like you gotta go to the hospital he's like i can't that's so embarrassing was like, you've got to go to the hospital. And he's like, I can't. That's so embarrassing.

That's humiliating. I can't go to the hospital. He's like, you've got to go to the hospital. You're fully impaled. And he was like, no. And so he banned himself from the tea towel, continued the Dungeons and Dragons campaign, so she wouldn't know that he was bleeding to death, essentially, throughout.

To protect this incredibly important, no, the D&D campaign. Like, this is going to work. This has to work. This must work. Yeah. Jesus. And she, like Vin Diesel, was unmoved. Oh, no.

Absolutely not impressed by it. What happened to the guy? I'm pretty sure he's still alive. Did he get medical attention eventually? He did get medical attention eventually. And the last day, it never happened. Hey, it's not always meant to be, but I'm just worried about it. I'm worried about the hijinks that guy continued to get himself into, you know?

Like if that's just one episode that you were privy to in his life, I feel like he's one of these people where stuff like this happens a bit, you know? That is a fucking resilient person. I know. To be bleeding out. Love makes us do some crazy things. Or finish the campaign. It makes us stay up late at night for days on end

writing the perfect D&D campaign. It makes us pretend everything's absolutely fine while you're bleeding out because you did a weird move onto the couch. That's so sad. But Vin Diesel's passion, do you think, still lies with the franchise or does it lie elsewhere? No, he's using the franchise to fund his true passion, Dungeons & Dragons.

That's so cool. Neither of you guys have got a lot of faith in Vin Diesel. So you're saying he's doing it to uphold his love of D&D. You're saying he's doing it for resources for family legacy to make sure they're looked after i'm gonna bloody stick my oar in the river and say vin diesel's out there trying his best he's using a particular approach to acting which appeals to stoic men which is show no emotion it's the ultimate tough guy archetype I think it'll be interesting

Actually as we track Backwards through the franchise To try and clock The moment he You know By my thinking Gave up And by your thinking

I guess Committed to harder Well actually Is he doing an excellent job Because we are projecting So much onto Vin Diesel Because he gives us so little You invest in Vin Diesel what you want.

It's true. It's hard to read. It's a classic play, isn't it? He is the Jackson Pollock of acting. Yes, you see yourself in Vin Diesel. There's no discernible. He's like a Rorschach test. He is like a Rorschach test.

You've described yourself as the opposite of the desired audience for this movie and or franchise. Can I ask what did you take from it that was for you? What did you enjoy inside of Fast 9? I didn't enjoy this. I didn't enjoy this flick, but I got to find something. I think there were bits that I liked about it. I liked it when Vin Diesel fought all those guys.

I was trying to find if I'd written this down as well, but I believe at one point your exact words were, I hate this. Yeah. I hate this movie. I hate this movie. And maybe I just, I didn't, I just didn't know what was going on the whole time. I don't, you know, they'd cut to a person.

It would be like, oh, and you can sense it. Oh, this is supposed to be someone exactly i don't know who this person is and maybe i'm the idiot for jumping in at fast nine and expecting them to explain who everybody is well especially you you've only seen it once and you're not gonna see it again there's like 40 people in this movie and i don't know any of them yeah i remember being a teenager and going to see the third pirates of the caribbean with my friend and there was a point where two ships are coming towards each other and the movie's like no that's game of thrones music but basically you know you get the idea and she turning to me and saying what are they fighting about and i remember saying i don't know and that's the same feeling i

had in this flick i was like yeah they jumping. Why is any of this their concern? But I feel like they've given you enough through the music, through the shot selection, through different people's acting to fill in some emotional blanks to go, I get what they're doing. Do you know who I enjoyed the performances of? I thought John Cena was really great. I thought he was excellent. I thought John Cena was really great. Huh. I thought he was excellent. I know, Guy, you disagree.

No, no, no. I think he's bad in close-up, and I think he's good in wide. He's charismatic. He's very charismatic. I've come around on John Cena. Ever since seeing him in Blockers, I just think the guy's got chops. He's funny. I think he's got real chops.

I think he's lovely. And I enjoyed the characters who were the rocket scientists and the mechanic. Nice. I thought they were fun They were great They are good fun characters They're good fun They're actually fun characters Do you know who I did not care for?

Ludacris Thank you Man he's terrible And they give so many Of the jokes to him He doesn't care He's not Ludacris He's bland

He's bland He's so right to call himself Ludacris He's the blandest man We're going to strip that title From you Ludacris Yeah you are called boy. They divvy up the jokes between Ludacris and Roman.

Yes. Does Ramsay get any? Oh, no. She gets quips. She gets a couple of quips. In their first introduction, they divvy up one line three ways. When they get out of the Jeep and they arrive on the farm, there's one line of dialogue that they put in the thirds

and they just get a bite of the apple. But none of the jokes are tailored to the personality of the characters. And none of them are actually comedic performers. Except Roman has been written as if he is Microsoft Clippy, which I really appreciate for us. I appreciate him so much. He's holding our hand. He's holding your hand, Debbie.

He's showing you through the movie. Yeah, they do a close-up and he'd say something like, oh, man, I didn't think I'd see you again since the last time we met in Tokyo when you believed to be dead, but now I see you are alive. And he has been written to help us specifically. It's like, okay, people who have been dragged to the movie,

who like their friend brought them along because they can't wait to see it and they want to share it with someone. Roman is for us. You know, we've sort of run counter to the question I asked, but I respect it. What I think annoyed you the most in terms of visceral response to this movie was seeing them in space. That really grind my

guess because they're like oh it's um because i feel like they were sort of doing a meta commentary in the in the film right that they were like referred to the fact and the characters are seemingly invincible like they seem to um like go through these immense uh physical pain and feats and still remain alive at the end which is like a criticism i believe of the franchise you know in action movies and that kind of thing and that they um keep sort of topping themselves because there was like a submarine at some point they mentioned that there was a submarine and that you know i think some of the discourse around the fast thing was like how are they going to top themselves this time and obviously the final frontier as we know from

star trek is the ocean and um so um it's, yeah, we're going to go into space. And it's like, fuck you. No. You can't just go into space. And I was hoping that Ludacris would die in space. And if he died, I would not mourn him. Not Ludacris. His character.

You just can't remember his character's name right it's tej what do you make of the argument which took me four watches to get yeah eight movies of them earning this true that's a really good point i'm jumping i'm jumping in right at dessert and being like this is not a sustaining meal well but to take abby's side you it shouldn't matter. It should be a good enough performance that you don't will one of the characters to die in space when they are on the heroic side of the story. Yeah. He emerged from the car and I went, ugh.

This guy. You know, I was hoping that he would die. And that's not good. What I like is that I feel like so much of your anger is coming from the fact that he should be funny. Yeah, he should be funny. He should be a funnier character, and he's just doing such a bad job of delivering the comedy that you're like, fucking kill him.

His name is Ludacris. He should be wacky. How did he even get that name? I don't think he's Ludacris in the slightest. I would say the most deserving person of the title ludicrous is probably the rocket scientist. Yes. He's like a Jim Carrey style, larger than life, great delivery.

Now he's ludicrous. Yeah. Your eyes lit up at the very idea of it. Ludicrous should be A title in the Fast franchise Yes Who's the most ludicrous It's like James Bond It transitions across

Different actors You get to hear the title Of Ludacris I hope either As we track back We get to see Ludacris describe An event inside

Of the Fast universe As ludicrous Or someone say to him That's ludicrous Oh like when people Say the name of the movie In the movie Yeah I would hope that he behaves In any way that could, that's ludicrous. Oh, like when people say the name of the movie in the movie? In the movie, yeah.

I would hope that he behaves in any way that could be considered ludicrous. He's not playing himself. I just can't. Who is he playing though? Because he's not playing a character. He's playing Tej. Oh, he's playing everyone's favorite character, Tej. Everyone loves him.

What does Tej even do? What's his expertise? Computers. He's a genius. yeah joe and i think joseph moore had to explain this to me he so in the franchise he's a genius essentially so he's like a real math and computer guy and this they've also got ramsey who seems like a recent addition to the franchise maybe she's been in a couple of them who's a real nerd like hacker version she seemed to be doing all the computer stuff.

But Tej, I think, is like a, you know, savant for math. Is that why at one point he pulled out a notebook and tapped it and said, numbers don't lie. Correct. Because the presumption is he's done all the physics calculus. You know, this movie is something for everyone. As opposed to the actual rocket scientists they have on their team. Well, this is the problem when you've got 40 people, right?

Too much double up. On a team, you have the tough guy, you've got the hacker, you've got the brains, you've got the street smarts. You want about four, maybe five peeps. When it starts getting up there, you're in Fast 9, you're trying to get everyone to get to the cinema, so you're like, we need John Cena in here somehow. We need Dame Helen Mirren to be in here.

We need to get a Was he Dutch The TV actor Who plays Otto Oh I think He's Scandinavian The Scandinavian You know like We need to get

Everyone to buy a ticket To come and see this movie It's too much crossover You need 40 guys And In response to that What you need is

What do you reckon Is the ratio in movies For every goodie There's 8 henchmen Is that about right eight henchmen. Is that about right? Eight henchmen to one goodie? On average, probably right, but it does depend on the franchise.

Like Star Wars, that's probably about right. I'm not a Star Wars guy, so I don't even know if I've only seen, I don't know, four or five of them. Yes, I believe that seems to be true. You need 40 good guys, and what is that? What's 40 times eight? 300 and... 300 and... Oh, 320? Yeah, you need 320 good guys in modern society. What's 40 times 8? 300 and... 300 and... Oh, 320?

Yeah, you need 320 bad guys. Feels like they kill more than 320 people, though. How many perished in this film? Yeah. Do you know, it did strike me, because I think you kind of highlighted it early on, just the absolute disregard for human life. And not that that's something unique to F9,

but I really was pondering through the watch this time like man hollywood movies really have no value for human life at all and it was all the even the things like when roman comes up to the guys who were just he was like those guys those delivery truck um guys uniform. They've got cauliflower ears. They're professional fighters. And then he just starts punching them in the head, which is like in real... I know it's a movie,

but you can kill people really easily punching them in the head. You can kill people so easily. It was going on nothing. In Australasia, they had to be reframed from king hits to coward punches to discourage people from hitting people like that. Yeah, yeah.

But it's because, and this is why it makes America the greatest country in the world, is you just leave everything as a binary. You've got goodies and baddies. And if you're a goody, which everyone is, like in America everyone believes in themselves to be, if you're a goody you don't need to question anything. You just need to act on impulse because you're a goody.

Is this where the gun problem comes from? Probably. Everything's a little bit too black and white. It's too clear. Yeah. Yes, I'm a good guy. Anything I do with this gun or bazooka is for you. It's fine.

Nuance and emotion is for cowards. If you take yourself out of the context of having watched as many movies as you have, though, and you're a newcomer to Hollywood filmswood films as a thing or even you know films really as we understand them the amount of violence and disregard for human life is fucking crazy versus the reality in real life of like what it means for someone to die or be like mortally wounded to take a life like so many they just kill people willy-nilly and there's not a single thing it was like hey you just killed a man are you okay which again harking back to austin powers is a point well made by austin powers oh could you imagine they have all those shots where it's

like oh but you recognize someone and then they're like we're swinging london and they're like oh he's here our contact and then it was like no first you get basil exposition yeah you get basil exposition and and then it's like oh yeah our london contact is here and then and then it's turn around groovy baby yeah and if he already has a car he is the shaguar famously the shaguar this is really fucked upaguar. This is really fucked up. But for some reason, what I want is for Austin Powers to exist as an AI. It's like, what was that movie? Ascension or something? Jupiter Ascending?

No, no. Oh, God. Who's that fucking awful guy? Who's the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean? Johnny Depp. Yeah. Johnny Depp. So it's a sci-fi movie where he becomes like the ai and then fucking takes over transcendence

close so close transcendence it'd be like austin uploaded his consciousness to the cloud and he is a self-driving shakua that's his role in the fast and furious movie like the car from night rider but it's austin powers with the big union jack on it and everything and dom toredo has to team up like with the shag you are i like it i feel like the only thing that you lack if you remove Austin Powers' corporal form is that he would also bring sex and sexuality to the – this movie, for how many beautiful people they get on screen, there's nothing horny about it.

This is not a horny movie at all unless you're horny for cars. Yeah, which some people are. Some people are. And I just – I had a flatmate who used to refer to her car as her son. Is that why you're so disappointed no one in this movie called their cars their sons? I thought so. I thought they loved their cars like sons. They don't.

You got the two data points widely known about Fast and Furious. It's about cars and they love family and you joined them. Yeah, and I was like, please, let me step into my son for a moment. The movie that you got, the movie you want to watch, I think, is Pixar's Cars. What you're imagining. Where cars are sons. Well, cars are everyone.

The whole thing's cars. You know what I want, right? I want Jason Statham to be teaming up with the Shaguar. Oh, yeah. I feel like that's a powerful pairing. That's a really powerful pairing. It's the American and British collaborate. You lose something, it's a fish out of water element of Vin Diesel being inside of the AI Austin Powers powered Shaguar.

You're right. And they would face off so well against each other because Vin Diesel refuses to emote and like Austin Powers is so if there's anyone that could get Vin Diesel to open up it's not his girlfriend, it's not his wife it's not his sister, it's not his brother, it's Austin Powers

it's Austin Powers therapy sessions in the car on the way but therapy from Austin Powers, so good does that make you horny baby no nothing does let's talk about it that's problem baby i did um i did notice though and say out loud we're talking about this movie not being horny which it isn't and i think that's for a a genuine difficulty that this movie faces behind the scenes which is that there's no attractional chemistry between these actors that can even be

foisted into a performance but what i do appreciate and i think it's by virtue of this being the ninth movie in the franchise is that there is sexy like people not in their 20s in this movie you know what i mean like everyone in the movie is pretty hot, and everyone is above the age of 30, and that's pretty rare. It's incredible to have so many hot people in a movie and just utterly devoid of sexuality. It's true.

I feel like there's one- Shut that mic right up, baby. There you go. One thing I want to talk about as well, which I don't know if you've mentioned, but Charlize Theron is on this flick, kind of is the big boss, but clearly was only there for like two days. Yes.

Hated this because they put her in a Hannibal Lecter style cage, which is like whatever. She's got the bluntest cut and red leather pants and like ear cuffs and a full face of makeup. Is that what they're called? Those spike earrings? Yeah, I think they're called ear cuffs and a full face of makeup. Is that what they're called? Those cool ear, spiky earrings? Yeah, I think they're called ear cuffs. Okay, cool.

And it's like, what is the logistics of that? She's like, I've got to have my blunt cut. If you're going to imprison me, I've got to keep it blunt and have this fashion haircut. Or is the haircut a punishment? Because they were like, hey, Charlize, we're going to give you the terrible haircut and you've got to wear these leather pants, the most uncomfortable

pants of all time. That is a really interesting idea. Cypher has a haircut that is either incredibly fashion forward or a prisoner's cut. Yeah, that's their version of a prison that's their prison uniform. If you were to cut to other prisoners,

they're all wearing those red leather pants and they're blunt cut, they're all with earcuffs and the makeup. It would be a delight to see them put a little wig on Vin Diesel and some tight, tight red leather pants. With just a real even fringe. The counterpoint is she gets out of the box. She doesn't change.

She doesn't put on a hat and some ray know rayon slacks but to abby's point she's still in the facility so maybe she doesn't have anything to like change into she's got it this is her prisoner uniform you arrive with your your stuff you get changed into your uniform not if you're held captive that's like if you go to real prison she's been kidnapped they're giving her makeup they're giving her all sorts of now now you got to park some of that come on now come on now guy it's a movie you gotta park some of that stuff i mean we hadn't observed any of what you've just you've relayed to us have you heard of i guess stockholm syndrome that they gave her the outfit as a punishment but then suddenly she's like actually i love this look i'm gonna keep it this is just a genuinely cool look that they

accidentally happened upon when they were like prison prison uniform, I don't know. What do prisoners wear? Hot, skin tight, red leather pants. Heels, full face of makeup. Stiletto. Yes, stiletto. We had this sort of conversation towards the end of the movie as we were speculating about Charlize Theron's How Many Days on Set,

what she got paid for it. Yes. You've self-described as someone who's, you know, you're not a fan of even the concept of the franchise. Would knowing that Charlize Theron is in the movie, would that draw you into the cinema? Honestly, yeah. So you're with an enthusiast and they're going,

oh, well, Charlize Theron's in it. Yeah, honestly, if they said, hey, Charlize Theron, Helen Mirren, and there's someone else in it. Cardi B? Oh, yeah. Yeah and um there's someone else in it oh and um cardi b oh yeah and cardi b is in it i would be like all right yeah i'd check that out if you add it all up it totals 10 minutes of its two hour and 15 minute run time way less betrayal if you had the stopwatch out i reckon six minutes honestly it's like's like in Jaws, you know, the shark's on screen for like a minute or something. The whole movie's based around that.

Charlize Theron, I reckon if you got the stopwatch out, she's on screen for like four minutes. Yeah, we speculated two days. Two days shooting. You guys could punch it out in one. And it would probably have been worthwhile to just work the crew extra long if they could get her agent to agree to it.

It would save so much money. She's not getting paid by the day though. It's a flat rate for an appearance fee. Somewhere between the two you would think. Like definitely it's not a day rate but you know, I think if they could figure out a way to shoot her out in one slightly longer day

it would be a lot cheaper than getting her for two. And I think a cool three mil but you you think that's too high what do you think guy i think like i think one and a half i just think the people people are going to this movie anyway i mean i'm everyone's different i'm not going to the movie to see charlie's thrown why are you going to the movie who appeals to you in the movie? Tim and I talked about it. I'm going to the movie for Tim. That's cute. No, what is bringing you into this movie? You or you?

Picture this. Picture this guy. You or you? Okay. It's a challenge. I like this movie because I like being treated like a dum-dum. And I like going to movies where everything is just put in front of me and it's like it's total detachment i'm not being challenged it's not posing any uh any you know philosophical problems it's not making me question anything about my life i just go i detach from

reality and i finish and i know that if i choose to go and see a faster furious movie i will be given a version of that experience. And in truth, if you see this movie once, it didn't hit for you, Abby, but if you see this movie once, it's probably a good time. You go to the cinema, it's a bunch of fucking hopped up fans.

You hear all their oohs and ahs. You go, yeah, people are getting something from this. This is what I want. I love this. You're such a good media consumer guy because you really appreciate high art. I feel like you're such a good media consumer guy because you like you like really appreciate high art i feel like you're well read you really enjoy like deep you know artistic movies that are doing things and you can appreciate a fast and furious movie or something equally as kind of i would say frivolous on its terms on its own merits and that that. That's how you live life, baby.

You got it. That's the key. Yeah. I always think about it with reading. Everyone reads to impress other people. No one reads to enjoy themselves. Read trash. Yeah, trash reading is great.

Literally, make a book easier to pick up than your phone. Read the dumbest shit you can find if you like it. It's so fucking stupid. People don't know how to conduct themselves. One thing I will say about this flick is that I love going to the cinema because I love to chat. I get a really big popcorn.

I get a really big one. I know I could never finish it, but that's what I want. I want to not be able to finish it. I want it just endless. You're a real cinephile. I don't think I've carried a single bucket of popcorn that made it to the start of a movie.

I don't think I've ever lived. Mike gets big ones made it to the start of a movie like i don't think yeah like it's big one soon he just eats it all i've seen it physically cannot stop it's disgusting it's like yeah i love it i'm i am voracious in there like i love it you'll love this i just gotta say no tell me side to your own story tell me i went to the movies with paul william Williams He does not touch the popcorn Until the movie starts That's me, that's what I do So unnerving to me That's what I do

Do you know what is What is ludicrous Frankly to me Is people that get an ice cream And then just chow down on that ice cream Before the movie even starts What's the point it's a chalk top that's why they put the chalk top on it chocolate melts too they put the chocolate on it for flavor

you know what else melts chocolate does man you've got to get in there as a heat like protective measure it just why would you get a snake and just chow down before the movie even starts ice cream into a movie is a very challenging situation is this a rules-based thing is this like it is not correct etiquette or or proper to be tucking into your movie snack before the movie kicks off is that what this is about i don't know i just something about it in my head that i don't know if someone told me, like, you can only smell the popcorn when the movie begins. I want to meet this person who has such a hold on you that they said one thing one time.

Yeah. Oh, people do have a hold on me like that. People tell me one thing one time and I'll always do it. Like, for example, only recently, when I was like 15, I was in an amateur dramatic production of Chess the Musical, and the guy who played the bishop said You smell nice And I said thank you it's body shop vanilla spray He said never change that

And I never did I'm 32 years old I'm still using it That's 17 years ago And only last year was I like Maybe I'll branch out And I bought Britney Spears Fantasy How'd it go?

I'm thinking I'm going to go back. That's such a terrible lesson to learn. You ventured out after 17 years and you were like. You don't know. You've lost your internal compass. You need to get that fragrance in front of the bishop from chess. Oh my God. Yes.

Honestly, like one person would tell me one thing one time. I'll believe it always. So you, I mean, you, mean, you eat an ice cream. Have you taken an ice cream into a movie? I typically don't get an ice cream, but I'm not against them. You've got opinions on other people's ice creams. I've got a lot of opinions about other people getting ice cream. You're slapping people's wrists during the fucking trailer.

Not yet! This is not the movie. If you penetrate the chocolate, it will melt too fast. Hold! Exactly! You're exactly right. Not the movie. If you penetrate the chocolate, it will melt too fast. Hold. Exactly. You're exactly right. Just leave it in the bag till the movie starts, and then the lights go down,

and you can just chow down on that and enjoy it. Maybe, oh, actually, maybe I'm just realizing something. I don't like people watching me eat, because I used to have bad teeth, like underbite shark teeth, like gnashers. And so I don't like people watching me eat, so maybe it's coming from the fact that the lights go down and then you can just chow in no because you're stopping this is you're enforcing this on the world i feel like this is something slightly different

this is a rules-based system dr abby howell's ice cream conductor standing up 15 minutes into a runtime of a movie and just putting your hand down from top to bottom and everyone can chow down there must be a time i think i think the chalk top was put on it the reason for the chalk top is that so it will last through the um trailers until the movie i have to concede despite what i said before i think you're right i do agree with i think it's there for structural integrity for structural integrity and also as well um, my compliment to the Fast movie is because absolutely I love to chow down on a delicious popcorn. But I'm also a respectful moviegoer. So I typically only chow down when it's really loud. Yeah.

You know, and Fast gives you so much opportunity to chow down. A lot of volume. A lot of volume. It's a capitalist movie. It's literally the action sequences are written to consume popcorn. It really is. Do you think that's where we're at now? Where scriptwriters, screenwriters are like writing beats to be like,

okay, now they're going to be getting thirsty at this point. They're going to be getting hungry here. They're operating under the assumption that every audience member is as respectful as Dr. Abbey Howell. There's a calorific intake that is dictating some of the beats now they're operating under the system that okay um at this point people are allowed to eat their ice creams this is when they open the bag and they'll penetrate the chalk top and then they'll be licking and then by maybe maybe that a lot of people complain about

what you know the deny uh dime dynamism no that's not dynamism dynamism of the sounds in movies these days, particularly action movies. Maybe they were trying to help us out this whole time. They're like, people are bringing in their loud-ass candy now, their rustling bags. We're trying to give them an opportunity to do it incognito. I actually went to a very cool and unique cinema experience just last night, which is called Pitchback Playback.

And the whole thing is they play the entirety of a music album from start to finish in the cinema. And everyone's got, they've turned the lights right down. You put on an eye mask. Oh, wow. It's all about experiencing the music, you know. I mean, it's a thieves delight, obviously. Oh, because they're using the sound system.

Oh, that would be good. So before it, they go, no eating, no talking, and please, no singing. Because the temptation is obviously very strong. But it's incredible to be. What album did you do? It was Nick Drake's Pink Moon. It was a double feature. And then there was a small intermission.

And then they played John Martin's Solid Air. The first was like a folk album and the second one sort of, it's more like an experimental. There are a few more bells and whistles, but it's a little bit folksy too. So cool. That's very cool.

I know. And I'll tell you what, I found it to be very conducive to thinking a lot of thoughts. You're in the dark, your eyes are closed, there's music playing and I scanned basically the entirety of my life,

both to this point and present day. How did it hold up? It's going okay. Yeah. It's not as bad as when I got really stoned before seeing the Pink Floyd experience at the Auckland Observatory and went on one of the darkest three-hour odysseys of my life. Did you go to that solo?

I went with a friend and it was sort of early 20s. The challenge was not to get enjoyably stoned. It was to smoke as much weed as possible. You were too young. I picked up and looked at every single bad decision i've made it was harrowing far out and set to the soundtrack of pink floyd it's not like music no it is not good god that would really pick up those dark thoughts and run with them what you notice is there's a period when they say it's about to start and it starts and you're in a cinema and it's just like airy you know it's just in between songs it's just total start and it starts and you're in a cinema and it's just like airy, you know, it's just in between songs.

It's just total silence. And you feel like very rarely, if you're watching a movie at the cinema, is that the experience? It's just unabridged silence. They have a lockout policy if you're not there when it starts. Silent movie?

Silent movie is inviting more opportunity to talk. No. People are going, oh my God, you know, the train's coming. They're going, oh my God, the train's coming. Fucking running up the back. Abby, did we actually get a shining light from you? Did we get a moment that you actually enjoyed? Because I think Guy asked 30 minutes ago

when you actually got a bit you liked. But a lot you didn't. Yeah, I'm a real hater. I don't like to be a hater, but I am. Listen, this movie is what it is, and you are what you are. So I guess my shining light, honestly, I think it would be the rocket scientist and the mechanic. I thought that they were fun guys, fun characters.

Bow Wow Erasure. Yeah. The third character in the trio. You didn't care for him, eh? Yeah, I didn't. I thought the two two they had great chemistry i thought they were fun i thought they were having a good time one of them was doing an accent that changed with every line that he said and yeah quote unquote love that yeah i really enjoyed

fascinating accent and so i think those guys were fun they were ludicicrous wishes that he was. They're a bit ludicrous. They were a bit ludicrous. What about you, Guy? I didn't write a single thing down, so I can't grasp onto any single moment. There were lots of things I enjoyed, almost with a brand new sense of nostalgia as I bid farewell

to Fast 9, I hope, for the rest of my life. It did put a fresh new lens on the experience, knowing that we don't have to watch this again. I have an excited and sincere desire to never brush up against this film again. That said...

I thought, when the magnet truck is hooning down the streets of Edinburgh, and Ramsey's got the magnet on full bore, and there's a bunch of little school kids on their phones, the phones get hoovered out of their hands and slammed against the truck wall because the magnet's so powerful Abby actually observed lovely bit of social commentary kids are on their phones something for everyone in this movie but what I liked was the looks on the kids faces not a single one seemed to be acting they all just looked proud or happy they're like wow

you know I don't know how they did it technically but just watching the kids response to what had seemed to be acting. They all just looked proud or happy. They were like, wow. I don't know how they did it technically, but just watching the kids' response to what had happened, I thought, that's beautiful. That's beyond, there's no cynicism to it. They're just kids having a moment. They're just Scottish kids,

funny little voices, funny little uniforms. Someone got taken out of their hands, but in a good way. It's so funny. They were sort of subscribed, you might say, to the Vin Diesel school of acting,

which is utterly unmoved by anything happening around you. You didn't see that kid tread the boards at five years old. Do not speak ill of young Vin Diesel. Please, sir. Or, as he was known at the time, Vincent Petroleum. My shining light was there was an extra that really caught my eye this time in one of the flashbacks where the two brothers

are going to do a drag race against each other to determine the fate of jacob if he is allowed to stick around or has to start life anew in a new town away from the toredo domicile and there is a woman who is absolutely standing jacob to the nth degree i believe she's got red shorts on maybe i know exactly who you're talking about. He arrives. Enthusiasm. With a freshly won race, he gets out of the car and there's a woman behind him who is just gassing him up.

I feel like this is the benefit of watching on a projector, right? Because you do have more opportunity to hone in to these background details and characters. Simultaneously, I mean, I have watched this movie on a phone and it's better on a big screen, but do not underestimate the value of watching it nine times. Yeah. It doesn't matter how big the screen is,

that woman could have slid right by you eight times. Absolutely. On the ninth time, she got her roses. We're closing in on an hour. We've gone a little long. Dr. Abbey Howells, I'd like to thank you so much for joining us on this episode. Thank you for having me.

And you've got a show coming up in the festival for our New Zealand listeners, yeah? Yes, I do. Tell us about it. So in the show, it's called La Subco, bringing to life a screenplay that I wrote when I was 11. It's a post-World War II romance set in the Navy. Is this the one that we did the reading for? Yes. And did Titanic sing?

So I'm bringing it to life with full production values and giving it an ending because I never finished it. And rest assured, no historical research was undertaken. It is very much a romance written by an 11-year-old who really left their room. I love it. Yeah. R-A-R-E-L-Y

Really left the room Really left the room Fantastic So I think it'll be pretty funny This is in the month of May that you can see that show in Auckland and Wellington as well

And follow Abby on what preferred platforms? Oh, you can follow me on Please Instagram because my name is Abby Howells Please on Instagram, which is a great... So polite. Lovely handle. Don't follow me on Twitter. Don't do it.

Because I made my account when I was like 15. At Musical Gal 3. At Musical Gal 3. At Musical Gal 03. 03, yeah. And I have not been able to change it. So please don't follow me over there unless you want to see all my old tweets, which are not. There's some good tweets.

There's some good tweets. I'll bring back. I took a stroll down memory lane. I went way back to the start. Yeah, not problematic, just very cringe. If you consider being cringe a problem they are deeply problematic horrible yeah also if you've enjoyed

Abby's appearance on the podcast then if you haven't yet you should give Did Titanic Sink a listen because Abby is on the sort of technically third to final episode

as our guest and then I enjoyed our chat so much that I just released the whole unedited discussion we had about you facing off with Carlo Ricci about the Titanic and then we got you on the live stream which is the final final episode on the stream so you can find that wherever you get

your podcasts. Did Titanic sink? I loved the podcast even the episodes I wasn't on. So just a genuine fan. Thank you so much. Even the the episodes I wasn't on. So just a genuine fan. Thank you so much. Even the episodes that I'm not on are great. That's huge.

Guy's got some dates coming up in Australia. And New Zealand. I don't know. Just look at guymontgomery.co.nz if you live anywhere in Australia. Oceania, even. Are they the same? Is Australasia Oceania? It's all one name for the same sort of,

would you call it a conglomerate of nations? If I had to pluck a word, I'd say continent. May I say something quickly for the fans? I'd love for you to. Hello, fans. I don't know if you're a fan of Tim and Guy. I've been a fan of Tim and Guy, but I just also wanted to say that I am a comedian

that I moved to Auckland earlier this year. So I'm fairly fresh on the scene. And I just wanted to say that both Tim and Guy have been the most incredible support to me. They have both, from the second I moved up, they have both given me opportunities, recommended me for things, pumped me up online. These two have genuinely been so kind and supportive to me.

Do not trust Abbey Howe. She has become incredibly close friends with Chelsea. Tim, don't cut this. Taking her supportive to me. Do not trust Abby Howes. She has become incredibly close friends with Chelsea and is taking her away from me. Their friendship is too strong. They are genuinely so, have been genuinely so kind to me. So if you were wondering if Tim and Guy were genuinely nice guys,

I could say from personal experience, they genuinely are. It's very lovely. Thank you. Oh no, thank you. You have changed my life i think you changed your life it's a hard plug to take right on the end but i've got some dates when you trample all over that sentiment like guy just go to timbat.co.nz i don't receive

compliments well but abby that was that's very kind uh so to timbac.co.nz If you're in Christchurch Or Auckland or Wellington Or Melbourne Or maybe Sydney Still waiting to hear back And most importantly The next time you hear from us It will be with fresh source material

As we hark back to the days of Fast 8 I believe a film called The F8 of the Furious. Vroom vroom. Yeah. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.