The Worst Idea Of All Time - 15: Emmanuelle In Space

Episode Date: November 28, 2020

Emmanuelle is American and in space and we couldn't be happier. No dubs, no subs; Simply an Emmy-award winning Director working under a pseudonym in the hopes of keeping their porn and comedy careers separate. A tale told in the present tense (THANK YOU) that barrels along and a stand up comedian playing Emmanuelle make for the easiest breezes in the franchise. Plenty of mystery though, such as Who is Theo? And, why won't he collect his toast? George Lazenby pitches a porno starring his very long underwear and Tim loves a soundtrack described as not even approaching music. An altogether enjoyable viewing and listening experience.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Have you ever been millions of light years away And been digged down by an alien named Heffron? That's Captain Heffron Williams to you. Have you ever found out what happened with Theo and his toast? Hi everybody, welcome to the worst idea of all time, Captain Heffron Williams to you. Have you found out what happened with Theo and his toast? Hi, everybody. Welcome to the worst idea of all time, an exciting new chapter of season five. Truly exciting. That's right.

It's porn o'clock down at the Bonafactory. Boop, boop. And Tim and I have just been to space. We certainly have. In the words of Tim Curry, the one place untouched by capitalism. We have watched Emmanuel in Space First Contact, otherwise known as Queen of the Galaxy, a 1994 straight-to-TV movie. Well, it was made for TV.

So it went straight to TV. Yeah. But usually if I hear someone say that, I'm like, this was a movie that was intended to be on the big screen and failed to get there this one was built for that tiny little box full of cathode ray tubes that's right it was in many ways it was built for tv but also in other ways but for us yeah it was built to be consumed 26 years later on a laptop that's probably 13 inches wide on a Tuesday morning.

Actually, it's less than that because it's 14 diagonally. Do you know that's how they measure screens? I did know that. Did you know that? I did know that, yeah. When did you find that out? I don't know. Roughly?

Like a long time ago. How long? I don't know. Putly. Like a long time ago. How long? I don't know. Put a year on it. The year 2003. Ah, that's buzzy. I found out in 2002. Oh, true.

Yeah. You beat me to it. Crazy. Hey, this movie was fucking awesome, everyone. It ruled. It was a lot of fun. It had a very clear and simple little premise. rules it was a lot of fun it had a very clear and simple little premise uh it was like so nice to be set free from the sort of obviously from the purgatory of the airplane uh but also from the

the trappings of you know like i felt like the emmanuel franchise was stuck within itself on this endless loop of uh vaguely europe European, needlessly complicated... Do you know what was so exciting about this movie and what made it feel like it was propelling forward constantly? No dubs or subs? No dubs or subs. Also entirely told in the present tense. It was not a person telling another person about times they'd fucked.

It was people learning to suck and fuck in real time. And also, sucking and fucking up a storm. At one point, we were on a boat cruise on the Nile in Egypt, and Captain Heffron Williams, who was both learning about his sexuality and trying to rediscover Emmanuel, who had shapeshifted, was fucking everyone on the boat. He did well.

And everyone was having a good time, except for an exhausted and put-upon bartender who had watched Captain Heffron Williams stroll into his bar, seduce another beautiful woman, take her back to his room, and then return immediately afterwards in exactly the same outfit and do the same thing time and time again. Bartender got his, though, when Captain Heffron got punched in the face and all the women turned on him. But let's actually tell the story of what happened because this was a fucking great movie. Really good film.

Well, before we even tell the story, you did some research during it as to why it might have been so competently told. This movie had genuine laughs, some laugh-out-loud moments. In fact, none more so than what was my shining light, which was a dance scene. Captain Heffron Williams, we need some context, I suppose, to do this, is an alien. He comes across Emmanuel, and eventually she just agrees to teach him the ways of human sex and sexuality well it's his mission he's here to learn um about humans

he's part of a ship of scientists and they're here to figure out why our world which is so stricken with conflict and war is and they suspect that a big part of the reason might be how we procreate because, as he explains, his alien species replicate by cell division, mitosis. We replicate with meiosis. Yeah, there's this incredible half an hour section where Captain Heffron Williams was explaining the difference between mitosis and meiosis. And I was chubbed up to the nines. It's never mentioned.

Nothing turns me on like an alien explaining human biology. We've got a new Emmanuel now. That's right. For a little while. And she's good. Krista Allen. So as part of the crash course in interacting and having sex with humans, Emmanuel is teaching

uh captain heffron williams the art of seduction which involves going to a dance floor and he has not danced before and she says just go dance and he says how do i dance and she says do exactly what they're doing yeah and he goes out and does these really uh cartoonish like starts off pretty small like sort of rhythmic movements in his shoulders and arms and then starts like feeling himself and just doing these big like quite rapid arm and leg movements and clears the dance floor and they stay on the shot for ages you ever seen the family trying to do what a chicken does exactly it was that and he sticks to it so perfectly and it's perfect that you should mention the Bluth family

because you discovered the director of Emmanuel in Space, First Contact, has gone on to work beyond the softcore pornography realm. He is an Emmy. Oh, I assumed it was a he, but I don't know. Their name is L.L. Shapira. Well, how did I get to it? Lev L. Spiro. Spyro yeah really where are we I'm on IMDB where are you wait what the fuck is happening you're right because okay they've used a different

name this is what's going on so in the if you go to emmanuel queen of the galaxy's wikipedia page in the top um paragraph before it gets to the kind of specs of the film it says it was directed by lev al spiro but then when you go to the like genre written by directed by directed by says ll shapira so they've obviously adopted a different name for the pornos. Lev tried to dodge it. Because Lev went on to win Emmys for his work in, are you ready? Modern Family, Weeds, Arrested Development, My Name is Earl, Ugly Betty, The Gilmore Girls, Dawson's Creek, The O.C., and Everybody Hates Chris. Also, Orange is the New Black and The Tick.

Wizards of Waveney Place, the movie. And Minutemen. If you check out his trivia section on his IMDb as well, he's known for refusing to type LOL even when he actually does laugh out loud. That made it to Wiki, huh? But there is such deft comic touch and also very efficient and enjoyable storytelling

throughout this movie. And Emmanuelle's great. It just keeps going forward. Well, Emmanuelle is a stand-up comedian, I am to believe. Krista Allen has had several turns. Actress, model, stand-up comedian, a star of Days of Our Lives, Baywatch, and Final Destination, the first one.

She's going to be joining us for, I believe, there's seven of these Emanuel in space movies, and she's up for all of them. She is in the elevator scene in Jim Carrey's Liar Liar. Yeah. She is the buxom woman who he gets punched by when the doors closed. Because he cannot, like George Washington before because he he cannot like george washington before him he cannot tell a lie and he keeps getting hit by woman in 2002 she's in an episode of friends the

one where joey dates rachel as joey's girlfriend mabel ah didn't know that she's in smallville and mutiny what i'm saying folks is there was a lot of talent that went into this this film and we've progressed past the old technology now we're into the like the days of our lives cameras that look kind of like weirdly high definition even though it was the mid 90s yeah it just made such a difference it's really breathed new life into the i don't know this is canon necessarily if you ask sylvia cristel but it's breathed new life dead bro and well we can't then we won't find out what she thinks of this film but it's just it was just so enjoyed it was i was so happy to see everything americanized yeah like immediate the the movie starts we're in new orleans emmanuel is having sex with some guy

who wants her to commit and she's like no no i've you know like let's let's keep having fun we're still new and that guy by the way isn't but looks like dolph lundgren absolutely and uh she then is like okay see you later and leaves the house that morning drives on the car sees some of the broken down car on the side of the road stops and says do you help? And he speaks in this sort of stilted, half human, half alien voice and says, my transport is broken. Can I use your transport? And she says, absolutely.

And away they roll, driving together. We immediately... This was the 90s, folks. This was the Clinton administration, the height of stranger danger. Everyone was getting worried about being murdered on the highway but not emmanuel because she is courageous she is not just courageous but she is capable of taking anything in stride within five minutes of picking up this man to drive to the next town he reveals he is an alien who has traveled from afar to discover this is right what is this when is this when he says he's an alien? No, he doesn't. He's just being odd and mysterious at this point.

He keeps calling a car transport. Yeah. And they go to a cafe and she finds out that... Oh, it's not until he shapeshifts when the cop comes to the diner that she figures out that there's something going on. But basically, she finds out he's an alien. She's still attracted to him. He's attracted to her.

He teleports them back to the alien ship. The aliens explain the basic premise of what they're doing she is totally on board and then travels back to earth with halfron captain halfron williams to help him explore sex oh there they do it's cool but there's a very confusing bit in the movie that keeps coming back with the ship itself the ship gives several announcements so every time that captain halfron goes to fuck they all put on these like little helmet things so they can experience the fucking alongside them and they'll get their rocks off because their captains have a good old time futuristic version of tv but basically the spaceship

narrates what is happening to all of the stewards or the crew and they all watch long on tv and they all become immensely aroused by watching the captain have sex they're kind of unfamiliar with fucking so they don't fuck each other while it's happening actually the first time emmanuel and captain have from williams have sex is on the spaceship they go to a chamber they have sex and afterwards the spaceship announces the captain is at it again yeah cleaning droids cleaning when he climbs she says cleaning droids to chamber six yeah it's full-on that's full-on sci-fi get the cleaning droids in here there's jizz and other bodily fluids everywhere but then after that yeah there are two catch cries that the ship likes to ring out with yeah now the first one is fine and humorous

which is the captain is at it again. Every time he fucks, it's like, get your helmets on, ladies and gentlemen. Half Ron, half no pants on. That's right. The captain is at it again. And the ship does not lie. Captain Half Ron Williams is at it constantly and consistently. The man has a monstrous hog.

He's jacked up to the nines. He's got 12 abs and he literally cannot stop fucking. Guy believes there is a not insignificant chance that he has silicon implants as well. The actor portraying Captain Heffron. He's so puffed up, and his body doesn't move. Even when he's moving, his muscles remain totally still. He's got a phenomenal eight. I don't know actually what it's like to have muscles that are big enough to see necessarily.

Like that. So I don't know if that's normal but i just felt like he was so puffed up that there might have been implants the other announcement persistent as in this but wow it's said three times i think no it's it's said at least four times and it's used as like a recurring almost like interstitial or refrain that bridges scenes or moments here it it is, folks. Are you ready? Theo, your toast is ready. That's right. Who's Theo? We never meet him.

We don't know why toast is on the ship at all. I don't even know if these aliens eat. But for some reason we hear that again and again. This announcement, Theo, your toast is ready, which I can only assume is a nice little Easter egg, like it's some inside joke, that our man, what's his name? Lev? Lev S. Spiro.

LL Shapiro, as he is credited in Manuel's post. What happens if you click his hyperlink on Wikipedia? It says it doesn't exist. Well, if you click that one, it says it doesn't exist for LL. But if you go Lev L. Spiroiro which it is in the above bit then that goes to his actual page with all his credits for for his comedy tv work and a couple films that's so interesting yeah i mean it makes sense to adopt a different working name does it yeah i think it does a nom de plume oh that's for writers though isn't it yeah i mean is it still a nom de plume if it's for writers though isn't it yeah i mean this is still a nom de plume if it's for uh directors yeah he went i mean this guy he he directed a lot of films as

l.l shapira emmanuel first contact emmanuel a world of desire hot ticket what's that that sounds juicy justine seduction of innocence just, you're not the only one. Hot Ticket sounds incredibly touch and go. Yeah. 1995, 81 minutes, R-rated film. Two kidnapped strippers must perform erotic routines for their captors after their plane crashes near a mountain hideaway. Dang.

A plane crash and then you get kidnapped? That's unlucky. Or you get kidnapped and then you're in a plane crash. Either way, talk about a rough day at work. Talk about a case of the Mondays. Talk about a case of the... Yours was good. I don't know why I tried to top it.

I don't know why I tried to build on it. The joke had served its purpose. It's all good. What did you think of Krista Allen? Because I think she's awesome. And I'm really excited about spending more time with her your toast is ready theo your toast is ready do we think theo is one of the alien scientists theo your toast is now ready Please come and take it from me Your toast is ready

God knows Can I tell you something? God knows your toast is ready I was up to 1am last night catching up on all the editing And you screaming into the microphone I can see in my audio software the waveform fucking out I was up till 1am last night catching up on all the editing and you screaming into the microphone. I can see in my audio software the waveform fucking out and me having to fix the levels as you're doing it in real time. Just now. It's like seeing Matrix code in front of me.

Is that what I just did? It's me seeing workload. Six years we've been doing this, Monty. If you're going to belt out, just dip your head a little bit away from the mic. You know, other times when I'm talking like that, you push the mic into my mouth. It's because you're talking at a normal volume and you get too quiet. I always thought I had really good mic technique. You do.

These guys are pretty sensitive. And they're on the out as soon as those new ones come in. Give it to the tech heads. What's coming in? What? Oh, fucking Rode Pod mics. you out as soon as those new ones come in give it fucking give it to the tech heads what's coming in what oh fucking road pod mics they're not the best in the world but they're just like they're very obvious in what you do you talk right down the barrel of the gun not like these ones side address diaphragm ones if you come across a gun famously sing into it to land your mouth in front of it and talk right down the barrel. You say, don't you come out of there, bullet.

You stay in your house. You stay in there. You stay in there. For I live in constant fear of you. What was your shining light? Krista Allen's performance. Do you need more specificity than that? I'd like you to cherry pick three highlights.

Fuck, that's a lot, dog, but I'll do it gladly. Three moments that said we're in safe hands, we're in experienced hands, and we're in humorous hands. Oh, what was the joke they did that was really good? Fuck. Because we commented on it when it happened. I really should have taken notes. I said it to you.

I said you should take notes. We were enjoying it so much, I knew that we were immersed in the film and that if you didn't take notes, you weren't going to so much i knew that we were immersed in the film and that if you didn't take notes you weren't gonna know that's what i said can you give me some surrounding context maybe i can help no i can't remember any i live jokes i love jokes well then what was it i just need a little surrounding i just need i can't remember and this will be annoying to listen can you just surround me with a little bit of context, please? I liked... Fuck.

I liked the plot. Like, I liked that there's these aliens who are going, hey, this planet is full of warring species. This warring species. It's at war with itself. I wonder if it's because of how they procreate.

Yeah, but... We've got to investigate. That was their hypothesis, but they got distracted by the fucking... They got into it, and that's the second highlight for me. So, yeah, the Captain Heffron would go down. I like the bartender probably the most.

I like the moment where he threw his receipts up in the air. I like the woman who was on the boat who I originally thought was Sybil Shepard. And then when you didn't know who that was, I said a less cool, oh, no, a more cool Reba McIntyre, who you also didn't know who that was, I said a less cool, oh no, a more cool Reba McEntire, who you also didn't know who that was. That's right. And I think I really liked, no, that's it.

It was all the things you liked. Did you not find the plot got a little daggy at the end? Yeah, it did. We had a really neat and concise film, which was Emmanuel teaching Captain Haniams how to have sex and then beyond that sort of how to how to seduce a lady seduce a lady and then they go back to the ship and at some point emmanuel's like look this is great i'm really into what you're doing but i can't do this forever i've got a life to live and he's like no please and she goes okay i'm going to change my body if you recognize

me and tell me it's me yeah i'll keep helping you out if you don't see you later i'm off and he says of course i'll be able to tell you and because they get into a conversation about essence and what the soul is because obviously this is an alien so he doesn't so he doesn't get concepts that we get and talk about. So she's like, you know, he says, it's something like, is appearance the most important thing? And she said, well, it's one part of sex, but it's also about the soul of a person, how they live, their essence.

And then he becomes quite interested in this idea of an essence, and he's convinced that he can recognize an essence. And the way that he figures out that he could try and detect an essence is by fucking everyone on the ship because the way that you um find out what is on the inside is by putting your penis in their vagina and checking and he's wrong he was wrong every time some sort he was wrong so much. Penis detective magnifying glass. It was like a thermometer and a chicken. Penis up inside you, finding an entrance where they can. Eels up inside you.

Oh, yep, yep, yep. From the mighty bush. Yeah, but so they had this really neat self-contained story. He winds up having sex with everyone. And then all the chickens come home to roost. The bartender loves it because he's been so jealous watching this guy just absolutely have a blast on the singles cruise. And eventually a woman who told Captain Heffron Williams

she was not Emmanuel says, you're right, I am Emmanuel. And he's like, why the fuck did you not tell me? And she's like, ah, bit of fun. And they go, okay. and you feel like we've just watched a really neat fun yeah light-hearted container for a porno like uh totally unproblematic if not very heteronormative softcore porno and then they go back to the spaceship and they think we need one more man to come to earth and start fucking people and they go back in this incredibly convoluted tacked on third that's raymond everyone introduced raymond comes

down act three and rise of raymond emmanuel starts behaving as emmanuel's of times gone past have she uh is like trying to help friends who are going through emotionally challenging times by instead of shape-shifting herself by using other people or other aliens other species to seduce and have sex with their friends so that they can rediscover the joy de vivre that gets them out of bed in the morning makes them tinkle on the ivories have a bit of a good time and so she brings this beautiful man named raymond to her friend who lives in Paris' apartment. Her friend is devastated. Her husband left her a year ago for another woman.

And Emmanuel says, you guys are going to fuck. And the friend says, no, we're not. But then they do. And it is incredible. And Emmanuel gives a warning as well. She says, you guys are going to fuck. Do not fall in love with him. Yeah.

It's very important. And they do fuck. And she does fall in love with him. And because he has not experienced sex with a person before or any of this stuff he in turn is reciprocating the love and emmanuel's like oh no here we go and start sort of overstepping the line start saying hey because this is one thing you said you said uh you love the way that emuelle approaches guiding an alien through humanity. You say that you feel like you would overstep your bounds,

you'd be a helicopter parent, you'd micromanage through every move, and Emmanuelle gives a long leash. She does. She's making sure that there's a little bit of guardrails on in case things get really wobbly, but she lets him make his own mistakes, fall down, scrape his sexual knees, and then get scabs on his sexual knees.

That's right. That's how you learn. That what you got to do but later on i feel like as she grows closer and feels a responsibility and maybe even an affinity for the aliens she starts being like you can't fall in love and so her friend says she's in love with raymond raymond says he's in love with a friend and she's like okay i've got intervene. I've created a bit of a problem here. And her plan is absolutely batshit and dogshit. She finds the ex-husband who left her friend and says, do you want to get back with your friend? And he's sort of like, no. And she's like, okay, well,

and gets Captain Heffron Williams to shapeshift into the body of her ex-husband, arrives at their engagement party between Raymond and the friend, and gets Captain Heffron Williams masquerading as the ex-husband to seduce the friend. And it's just so immoral. It's bad.

And it's also like there's no long-term hope for this plan. We don't know the circumstances of the breakup as well no we don't maybe he was being a dirty dog maybe he was being a dirty dog and then emmanuel comes and dips her all back in and she's like you should get back with that guy it's like you know what i've done my healing that was a difficult breakup and emmanuel if you were any kind of a half decent friend you would leave me alone right yeah he wasn't he was a dirty dog she said that he found another woman started sleeping with her and left her and also oh fuck he is absolutely like the guy we see his apartment he lives in an apartment in new orleans and the

music he's listening to is an experimental jazz garage band track yeah and it is somewhat like this i will say this for the film the score was atrocious i was into it i was i was into the um can i quote you to you yeah yeah yeah this is you speaking as though you were a producer of the film i'm so sorry we can't afford any music or anything that counts as music that's what you said about the score of the film yeah but you know counts as music that's what you said about the score of the film yeah but you know we will make our little comments don't we in the heat of the moment when the movie plays what i liked is they had footage of this was kind of um you know just to take us from one scene to another a little interstitial a man playing saxophone but they had dubbed over the top of it like a synth casio yeah saxophone sound and i was like man you had the guy you had the saxophone just fucking hit record guys yeah

let him play his instrument but they would not and then you said because i'm the sax man yeah i'm the sax man it's the text man you, you see. And then you said, that's good. Has anyone done that? And I said, just because something rhymes, it doesn't mean it's good. No, I think it's pretty good. You get the tax man by the Beatles. I think people get it. You chuck sax in there instead of tax.

The only way to make it work would be to instrumentalize the whole track with saxophones. Not all of it. All of it all of it in fact what would be good is if all the verses were saxophone and then you just had the choruses of um some liverpudlian trill liverpudlian this song was anti-tax eh yeah it's fucked eh it's like hey we finally got rich and famous now. Fuck the welfare state. That's right.

They're trying to tax our everything, man. And why? Just because we're multi-millionaires. To their credit, they made it incredibly catchy. That song was fucking propaganda, man. Absolutely. Zoe's been listening to a podcast called The Winds of Change. Do you know about that?

No. It's a song. Fuck. Is it the Scorpions? The CIA wrote the song and then it got enormously huge. What did they write the song for? Oh, man. I wish I'd listened to the podcast before I ventured into this because it's a really cool story that I can't remember.

But I think they were trying to take down communism. And so they were trying to insert like some shit-stirring rebellious songs. Yeah, that song, that track. Is that the Scorpions? Yeah. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. It went fucking gangbusters, that song, and the CIA wrote it

to try and, like, create some overthrowing of some governments. Why did the CIA spend more of their time writing songs? I don't get it. It's a bonafide banger. They could have been as big as the Beatles. to try and create some overthrowing of some governments. Why didn't the CIA spend more of their time writing songs? No! It's a bonafide banger. They could have been as big as the Beatles. Didn't even know it existed. That song? Had you not heard it before?

Don't think so. I reckon you'd recognise the whistling chorus. Nah. Oh. Huh. Weird. I hated that. We live to laugh and we live to bone.

Boner Inspector! There he is. I get an L-O to bone. Boner Inspector! There he is. I get an hello, sir. Boners, please. Boners, please. Show me your boners. Tell you what. Probably the closest I got so far in the series.

Tell me why. There was a lot of beautiful, topless women in this film having sex with men with jeans visibly on and that is my kink important to note tim has rolled the sleeves up on his t-shirt so he's wearing a muscle singlet and he's wearing a pair of jeans with ripped knees himself i'm just very looks like he walked straight off the set of emmanuel in space yeah this is how they fuck in that movie. It is. I also felt probably not the closest I've been to getting a boner, but the most aroused. This felt more like the... How are those two things different for you?

You can be... Emotionally moved? I just think this is closer to my memories of the sort of Emmanuel films that I was watching as a teenage boy. The way that these cameras looked and the way that the whole thing was put together... It looks like days of our lives. It felt more familiar to me as a Friday night Sky One after midnight phenomenon than all of the sort of artful European style stuff we've seen so far.

Like, I have memories of coming in and out of the story that was being not this particular story but like the way that the story was told and the movie was constructed and the scenes were constructed are you talking about the one we just watched or back when you were a boy i'm talking about sort of both like this we are now in familiar when you say you were coming in and out of the story were you talking about emmanuel queen of the galaxy or were you talking about like remembering watching these when you were a teenager? Option B. Okay.

I'm saying I didn't recognize the neighborhood, didn't recognize the house exactly, but I've been on this street. Yeah. And I like this street. Yeah, yeah. This is a nice street. It makes sense. And there's really something to be said for no subs or dubs.

It's like weight training, and then you take the weights away, and you're like, oh, this is fucking easier. It's easier this way. And it put me in a pretty good frame of mind, actually. Quite a receptive frame of mind. I'm excited, but I'm also nervous, because I feel like they're going to get shitter after this first one. This was a really good flick, though.

I dug it. And I'm interested to know where they go with it. I suspect... Space! I'll tell you what happened in my head. Because this movie, for one reason or another, I'm guessing tax reasons, has two titles depending on what municipality you watch it in.

In some territories, it is Queen of the Galaxy. In others, it is First Contact the galaxy and others it is first contact first contact makes so much more sense because she does not seem to be the queen of the galaxy but i think first contact might be a movie already i'm thinking of close encounters never mind um i was thinking of a first encounters of the bone kind oh. Yeah, nice one, bro. Thanks, bro. A video game series called StarCraft, which features a character called Sarah Kerrigan, who is the self-styled Queen of Blades after she is captured from her Terran base,

which is overrun by the Zerg. I call her the Queen of Lays. That's pretty good. And then she becomes... Because she's a fuck machine. Yep. And she becomes the Queen of the Zerg. Until, I think, the queen of the zerg until i think the adventures of the

first expansion of the second starcraft where i think she becomes tyranny oh no she remains zerg anyway as soon as you say queen of the galaxy i think sarah kerrigan from um starcraft because in the first game i think it's not jim it's someone else, calls her the queen bitch of the universe. Oh, wow. And it's a great line because that game came out in like 1994. I am really happy to be an audience surrogate here for all of those who did not play StarCraft and were using the entirety of their brain to keep up with the...

Did you get bits? Train of thought. Bits and pieces? You played a game. The game is a flashpoint. There's three species. I don't need this bit. We've got the Terran. The Terran are humanity. Big time don't need this bit. Now the Terran

they are like one species so you play as them but actually if you play the single player campaign mode you then get to learn that they are factional as well. There is the Confederacy. Yes. And there's Jim Rayner who like rails against them in the rebellion that

he's trying to overthrow the confederacy which is led by um minsk who actually does win ultimately minsk this is the name of a city in russia then we've got that's pretty interesting actoris minsk is his name then we've got the protoss it's the mayor of the town minsk in russia the protoss are The Protoss are an alien species with advanced technology. They're based on ancient Egypt. I don't know a lot myself. A lot of their artwork is like ancient Egyptian.

They've got a lot of pyramids, a lot of electricity. Then you've got the Zerg. The Zerg are another alien species and they're more animalistic. They were both sired into being by the Zalnage, the ancient ones. The Protoss.

Do you work for this game? Has this game been rebooted recently? Yeah it has and I tell you what everyone's very angry about that but I guess this isn't

a video game podcast. Because well they took oh wait am I thinking of no I'm thinking of Warcraft actually. It's made by the same people. They rebooted Warcraft

and they broke it and they took away the old version.'s mad anyway i'm giving emmanuel in space first contact five out of five dongs before i can set you free i need you to do me one favor it's george lazenby a man who i didn't even see in the film. I'm so glad he's here. I need you to pitch me a porno. I need you to pitch me a porno. Well, me, George Lazenby, is sitting on a plane, and I'm next to a beautiful woman, and I unzip my trousers,

and I remove my very long underpants. My underpants reach down. Like long johns? Sort of. They're like capri underpants. They're between my ankles and my knees. Wow. And I pull down my underpants.

And it would take ages. It takes roughly two hours. And I'm struggling. And the steward comes over and says, Would you like a hand mr lazenby and i say no this is part of it there was a great opening for the maybe cabin crew to get involved on a bit of bone time but i guess that's not where your adventure's going this is my porno yeah i understand and so there's two hours of me struggling with my capri underpants

and everyone on the on the plane is asleep and then i'm so physically exhausted from removing my underpants i fall asleep too everyone's asleep on the plane just having a lovely sleep and when i wake up i am in trouble why because everyone else is already awake and i'm i'm sleeping with my penis out on a commercial airliner it's no good are you in first class no oh they don't let you get away with that shit and coach i'll tell you that for free no and so i get escorted off the plane and i'm taken in a van to a prison oh no let's take it a turn and no one's had sex yet that's right and in prison, I'm given my own cell. And I spent the 12 hours waiting to see

a lawyer or make my phone call. I see. Furiously masturbating. Jesus. But I cannot achieve an erection. Oh man, this is grim. 12 hours of me fumbling around with my flaccid cock. Alright, here's my one.

Do you want to make it? No. It's a 14-hour porno. Two hours of me removing my underpants on the plane. Twelve hours of me trying to achieve an erection. I was going to try and pitch a StarCraft porno, but I'm out of juice after that. That has decimated my spirit.

I've got nothing left. Well done, George Lazenby. Destroyer of creativity. Do you want to know the secret to listening? What's that? That's deep. Thank you.