The Worst Idea Of All Time - 16: Dirk's Pleasure Palace

Episode Date: December 6, 2020

Emmanuelle is back in space for the second time and Guy is, once again, in peak physical condition. Tim is not however. They're united in one thing though; A superiority of Australia as a tourist destination. In this caper, we're introduced a man named Dirk (think Mel Gibson meets Jay Leno) who runs The Pleasure Palace and get a more in depth look at Theo. Speaking of accom, the fellaz also discuss an establish in Roswell, New Mexico that Monty stayed in.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you. Emmanuel She's the queen of the galaxy Emmanuel What does he say there? Will you please go to bed with me Emmanuel I will be your fantasy What does he say there? Will you please go to bed with me, Emmanuel? I will be your fantasy.

Oh, is that it? I don't know. But it goes on for roughly six minutes. Hello and welcome along to the worst idea of all time, Emmanuel. This is the second of the Emmanuel in Space episodes. This is a podcast where usually myself, Tim Batt, and himself, Guy Montgomery, watch the same movie over and over, keep reviewing it for a year on a weekly basis, but not this time. Season five, we watch Softcore Pornographies,

a decision which has already cost us an ad campaign. Oh, yeah. Because we got it signed, sealed, and on the doorstep of delivery, and then they went, wait a second, what are you guys doing this season? And we said we're watching softcore pornography. That's no deal. Cancelled.

Tourism New Zealand said that's too spicy for our liking. So from now on, a good part of this podcast will be dedicated to celebrating tourism in Australia. Where the bloody hell are you? Australia has all of the amenities with New Zealand, with larger populations, better weather, and more interesting animals. greater range of cafes a more established system of libraries and museums scattered across the fine popular centers that you just can't get in new zealand higher functioning and more affordable

public transport and also a higher quality of people we go on about the beaches in new zealand have you seen the beaches in australia they are truly world leading. A beach in New Zealand is like an ice bath to the refreshing spa quality beaches that you'll find on any coast of Australia. 2020 can be a difficult time but when things are up and

running again I could not encourage you any more warmly, firmly or enthusiastically to investigate a holiday to Australia. Melbourne's the greatest city on Earth. I've said it. There. There, I've said it now. And they've been doing it tough.

And if you want a coffee and stimulate a local economy, why not get yourself on a Qantas flight down to Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, the world's most livable city for 10 years running. Victoria, you're a state in Australia. I want to visit you. And spend my dollars also in you. Emmanuel in Space 2.

This was the horniest of the films it was probably the spaciest of the films i really liked uh sort of the wrapper in which the sex scenes were contained the sex scenes were many almost unrelenting i would say all of them neatly chronologically interwoven into the plot like this was a story told in a linear fashion and also in an enjoyably clear-cut fashion at some points it felt like the sex scenes were getting in the way of the story yeah that's true actually it was a pretty competent little plot that we were dealing with. And it was a lot of fun. I would also like to say that I'm now experiencing some value in watching the entirety of the Emmanuel Beck catalogue sequentially because the first Emmanuel in space film, Queen of the Galaxy,

it sort of served as a pilot premise for this seven part 1994 made for tv softcore series and in the second one they've introduced a very long running theme song it lasts for about 50 to 55 minutes slaps though it absolutely slaps and uh inside of that, they have also surmised the sort of central running plot and motif of the series, which is very similar to, I think, in the previous Emmanuel series in 1993, starring Lazenby and Sylvia Christel. Emmanuel is given a potion and she has the power to sort of take on any other corporal form and have sex and try and, you know, if her heart is pure. In this one, Emmanuel has been found by this roving spaceship captain by halfron

and she is designated with sort of explaining or helping you know there are research outfit available yeah yeah trying to figure shit out and it is her job to to do this and i really admire this like i i see similarities and i see an entirely different direction but a very clear roadmap and homage paid to the previous series yeah and they were made like 1993 was the the last one we watched the last block of seven where they were trapped in purgatory on the airplane this is a block of seven made for tv movies made in 1994 um I just really I really like it feels like it's canon to me it feels like it's building on the emmanuel franchise with the parts left over from previous iterations but it also feels exciting

and new it feels very of its time in the 1990s it feels very american there's a deft comic touch um the storytelling as i've already said is clearer i i really like where the franchise is going lev is having a lot of fun with the comic turns in this film every opportunity they have to go back to the ship they insert at least one often two of these lines of dialogue that the ship's computer will just say out loud yeah the the ship is close to sentient did you ever play abe's odyssey no on the original um playstation one game abe's odyssey the gate that it's about you're an alien called abe and you've got to free your friends who are slaves in a factory before you get turned into food and while you're doing it if you look at

the background there's all these like lcd scrolling texts and a lot of them are like game instructions giving you hints on what to do and a lot of them are game instructions giving you hints on what to do, but a lot of them are just them fucking around. Yeah, and that's what they've done with the... Yeah, that's what it reminded me of. Because you, of course, will remember from a previous episode... I'm so tired. Can I say that?

Theo, your toast is ready. Why are you so tired, Tim? I'm so tired. I went to Wellington and didn't get a lot of quality sleep there because I tried to pack a lot in. Did you have a good time? I had a great time. You were doing comedy in Wellington?

Yeah. Were you funny? Yeah, I reckon I was. Fantastic. I think we all did a good job on the show. And then, yeah, came back here. Did my boy party all the time? No, not as hard as the others actually i tell you

what there was 20 of us i think we're like 18 or 20 new zealand comedians exclusively from auckland boarding these planes we were a fucking sight at the other end of it i'll bet james roque threatening to throw up on everyone in the back of the plane you got put through the churn of the nightlife in wellington Hayley Sproul, who a remarkable amount of energy for someone who stayed up till 4. I was out with our friends Joseph Moore and Laura Daniel till 1 a.m. And we wound up at J&M's, which any Wellingtonian will know is a real indication on the night. J&M's? J&M's is on Courtney Place.

indication on the night. J&M's. J&M's is on Courtney Place and it is an establishment to be avoided at all costs if you value your gastrointestinal tract. But we got some chippies there because it was the only place

open at that hour. Oh, it's that takeaway spot. Yeah. I like KC Cafe. Was KC open? KC doesn't open that late on a Monday. Of course,

you were there on a Monday. But I don't think J&M's ever closes. So we were there and then it was 1am and then those two had to on a Monday. But I don't think J&M's ever closes. So we were there, and then it was 1 a.m., and then those two had to get a 6.30 a.m. flight, and this all occurred to Laura in real time, and I saw her grappling with the mathematics of it,

because she was like, she said to Joe, she said, what time's our flight in the morning again? He said 6.30. She's like, wait, wait, it's 1 a.m now oh no and and she tried to work backwards from there to figure out how much sleep she gets she wasn't too happy understandably too oh fuck yeah um but it was a good time yeah and you got back to auckland yesterday yeah and then um our little dog here the new one too he she was like vomiting last night so i got i got a tiny bit of sleep and then woke up

because the dog was vomiting and then had to get up at 5 30 a.m to do um a radio show wow can i tell you this tim yeah i'm well rested that rules full of beans great in the best physical condition of my life that's true way that is true gearing up for a marathon in about 10 days time it's fucking exciting roughly yeah i'm in uh i'm in great nick what's the biggest distance you've done in the training uh the biggest distance i wound up running was 30ks in my training which is far but still there's enough of a gap between 30 and 42, which leaves an exciting question mark on race day. All that to say, though, for how poorly or exhausted you're feeling, I want you to know that's how good I feel. If we're a seesaw, I'm at the bottom, you're on top.

That's right. And you are heavier than me, so I am stranded at the top of the seesaw. Until I get off and then you fall on your butt but I'm stranded happily I'm saying to you I could sit here all day buoyant in the air what are you saying to me down there

I'm saying I'm going to fall asleep on the seesaw that's no troubles for me because I've got a really interesting imagination and I could sit up here and think of interesting things awesome until you feel rested

fantastic and then you can get off um i don't even know do you want to attempt to explain the plot because i i don't really have i'd like you to okay so uh um uh you're gonna earn your rest emmanuel at the start. I feel like what you're going to do is a deliberately shit job. No, not at all. You bother me. No, I'm desperately trying to do a good job.

Okay. I promise you this. Is the chess at the start? No. Tantric stuff at the start? No. It's getting closer to the start, though. I mean, the chess kind of bookends the tantric stuff at the start no it's getting closer to the start though i mean the chess kind of bookends the tantric stuff so it was theo at the start theo is throughout the entire film i would

i would argue that oh no dirk okay fuck all right so the first thing that we're dealing with is uh emmanuel goes to visit a friend called dirk who runs an establishment called the pleasure palace which seems to be some sort of high-end brothel what is the motivation for emmanuel going to visit aside from seeking pleasure i think if you want pleasure you want to go to dirk's pleasure palace 2.1 stars on google but also like a real weird oscillation between incredibly high speaking five star reviews who are obviously from friends and family or friends of this particular brand of debauchery Bixby not now

I'm pretty sure last movie we dealt with half Ron getting taught about the ways of human sexuality I just I quickly have to finish telling you about the Lower Star Reviews for Dirk's Pleasure Palace. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which are scathing of the facilities, cockroaches under the bed. Oh, yuck.

Et cetera, et cetera. This is exactly the experience that my friend Ken and I had when we drove into Roswell, New Mexico. And we went to... I didn't know you went to Roswell We went to Roswell. Holy shit! We went to a very scary dive bar We were quite stoned when we arrived at the dive bar. Because you forget it's New Mexico

There's like a lot of meth floating around There's a lot of meth floating around, Tim and we were in this bar buying the cheapest beers we had on the entire drive and drawing the eye and ire of all of the locals. You guys would stick out. And there was a motel or a roadside sort of inn

about 200 metres down the road called the, it was late and we were tired, it was called the Crane Motel. And we thought it would be really nice if we just stayed at the Crane Motel because then we could, you know, it would be a 200 metre drive, we don't need to do anything else.

And we looked it you know, it would be a 200-meter drive. We don't need to do anything else. And we looked it up on Google Review. And I've never experienced such a mind-bending, like, variety of reviews. So half of the reviews were people saying, if you are in Roswell, New Mexico, it is important that you never stay in this motel. We did not sleep because there were meth heads yelling at their, like yelling at the toilet. This is where meth heads come to stay

when their wives have kicked them out of the house. Essentially, there were cockroaches inside the pillowcases. And then you'd see like three of these reviews. And then you'd see a review which says, phenomenal service, outstanding quality of, you know, accommodation, five stars. And it would just go back and forth and back and forth.

And we got all the way back to 2017 when someone said, I do not understand the people who are saying this is a good motel. I found a one-star review for them. They've got an average of 3.3 out of 5. Worst place ever. The AC was not working, Either the fridge or microwave. I guess that was supposed to be neither. Not clean.

Uncomfortable in old beds. You can hear what is happening in the next room. I will never come back. One star. Two stars from Amber. There were bed bugs and roaches. Not to mention, they are rude. And you will be blamed for damages that were already there

won't go back um one more review i think give me a five star i'll give you a five star great stop in roswell and good location with access to shopping rooms are large and very comfortable thanks hyten i going to give you another two star, though. Not the cleanest place, but Clorox made it better. I don't know if that's like to drink or use on the room. Blinds in the kitchen, torn in many places. You can see outside. Window curtains you can see right through in the kitchen and bathroom.

Sad, sad, sad. I put a beach towel over the bathroom window. I hear it's not the safest place, but I had no problems. Two out of five. So this is three out of five. The motel is okay. The room rates were

fair. Lacks amenities. Towels are tough, not soft. Morning coffee, you have to go about three blocks to get it. TV, old and blurry. This is like poetry. Does have a full-size fridge, a microwave, and a kitchenette. This is the equivalent of Dirk's Pleasure Palace.

Some people are fucking all about it. And nothing in between. And the people who don't get it, really don't get it. Let's talk about Dirk himself Dirk is a man who looks like What did I describe him as? A cross between Mel Gibson and Someone

Someone else He's like Jay Leno Jay Leno and Mel Gibson's child Leather face Curly hair The guy is a self-described Jaded voyeur

He runs his Discount D dime store sex kingdom from a room that has television feeds of all the cameras in the other rooms yeah his kink is watching fully closed he doesn't touch himself or nothing that's right and um one of his big 90s jeans on and buttoned. One of the people in his employ dresses in a novelty tuxedo one piece of lingerie that was hands down the most arousing thing I've seen in my 32 young years. She was a librarian though. So they take, Emmanuel takes Theo to see Dirk. Theo is an alien on board the spaceship you see the reason that emmanuel has taken theo to dirk's pleasure palace is because she was trying to

articulate the notion of arousal and sexuality through images aliens no she was trying to she was trying this i actually liked this i thought was a cool bit of the story so at the start she's projecting from her mind these images onto a screen of like people fucking and whatnot and she wanted to kind of test the aliens to see who could get aroused just looking at the pictures which is basically the whole notion of pornography and this is interesting right because like a lot of times when we try to define what consciousness is and if animals have it in like a higher sense like we describe ourselves as having it's all about being able to imagine something in the future you know that you

haven't like seen so it's about like fantasizing so so in some ways this is actually a pretty dope bit of sci-fi she's trying to see if these aliens have the ability to self-conceptualize projecting into the future in a situation they haven't been on before. So she projects these images onto a screen. Her projections are not future fantasies for which these aliens can enjoy. No, that's true. It's a hodgepodge of erotic art through the centuries. They're supposed to get those images and kind of place themselves within it,

I guess. And everyone's like, hey, nice two-dimensional images emmanuel this means nothing to us heffron says 2d does nothing for our people yeah and then emmanuel goes oh really and then the ship points out that theo's liquids i've written it down yeah and so her version of uh elevating 2d to 3d is a she's the boner inspector she is the boner inspector and she her version of 3d is a threesome it rendered in 2d oh yeah oh yeah it says um theo says the the ship says to theo your internal liquid pressures are rising. Theo 204. The ship also later on says, Border Inspector!

There will be no more oysters for dinner. And Raymond, the meatloaf is burning. This is the same ship. And also, bedtime for Bonzo. She says the film tonight will be bedtime for Bonzo starring Ronald Reagan. Which I think has a monkey in it, right? Is that a film famously that Ronald Reagan starred alongside a monkey? I'm not sure. I think it might be.

But Theo becomes aroused. Essentially sort of his boner representing his hand as an expression of interest in Earth sexuality. And Emmanuel says, I see your boner and I would like to inspect it

under the banner of heaven and to Dirk's pleasure palace these two travel they go to earth they go to earth they go to earth to Dirk's pleasure palace and uh Dirk's pretty grizzled

and I don't think the best guy in the world Dirk so um And I don't think the best guy in the world. So anyway, he gets a room, sort of Dirk and Emmanuel tee that up. And one of the, that person who Guy was talking about before that's got the tuxedo lingerie on. Is that a name? Good shit. Tuxedo Long Joyon. Is that a name?

Good shit. So she brings a bunch of erotic books to his room to sort of help him on his quest of self-discovery and sort of, I think, starts to try to make out with him and he's like, no, no, no. And then he falls asleep reading these books. He pretty much says, no, no, this is not, I want something more. Yeah, that's right.

He's looking for love. Meanwhile, um takes all your clothes or take some of your clothes off and starts masturbating in front of dirk uh to completion dirk's just standing there fully clothed he's like thank you and she's like thank you and then we're off to the next bit of the movie which um i can't remember what happened is this when we go to tibet and the movie whacks us over there with the fact that the people's republic of china own the the the movie does put quite a quite a fine point on that but before no so the motivation for that is theo 204

does find love with the stable girl that's later no that's now all all in the first movement we're at dirk's pleasure palace and tim is literally begging every single character on screen to fuck a horse he wants variety he wants bestiarty that wasn't for this to see a monstrous horse cock slamming into uh now a human being now listen to be fair to me i i said i think theo wants to fuck that horse. And I'm pretty sure you agreed with me. Because he was looking lustily at a woman riding a horse. And I was like, because to the alien, why wouldn't the horse be just as sexy as the woman riding it? It's not a fucking human being. They're both animals.

They're both extraterrestrial animals, guy. He's just taking human form while he's on the planet. I say let him fuck horses as long as the horses are alright with it because maybe they can communicate with humans maybe they can also communicate with equine is that the word? that is the word

you told me about a um no band shadow band shadow band I told Guy about a video from the internet Band. Shadow band. Shadow band. I told Guy about a video from the internet that if you know, you know, and if you don't, we're not getting into it on this podcast.

Not the time nor the place. Satisfied some of Tim's curiosities, though. I don't think I've seen it. I know it exists. I have seen it. I just remembered. Tim's eyes went remarkably wide. So we go to tibet after that that's right which is owned by the people's republic of china fuck me they tell you so many times so there's a commissary a female commissary from uh china from the people's

republic of china and so the deal in tibet is that the monk who runs the monastery or shrine um that we go into is i think the spiritual husband of emmanuel emmanuel explains that to her from when she's on the ship at some point he's been like well he's he's been around for 300 years i think existing in uh several lives you know what's it called reincarnation um so they're all about tantric sex and the phenomenal spiritual power of tantric sex which guy and i both thought was all about um not coming edging yeah edging but in this world edging's such a yuck term for it. We should go back to calling it tantric. But maybe we've misunderstood what tantric sex was.

Yeah, I think they probably share similarities but are unique from one another. It just shows what a couple of sexual Luddites we are. It looks like everyone's coming in this. Yeah. Well, and why wouldn't you? It looks like they're having some absolutely earth-shattering sex. The reason that they've travelled to... They fucked the commissary.

What's the commissary there to do? This is fun. Yeah, yeah. Well, basically, Heffron is very worried that people on earth will find out that they're aliens. Understandably,

Emmanuel has this sort of wonderful post-sex aura that is about her, which means she's totally disinterested in everything Heffron is saying. But eventually, they go to the monastery, I believe because she's trying to teach a different person from the ship a different component of human sexuality. She takes an alien called Karen 12.

Are you sure it's not Kara? Yeah, 100%. Okay. And while they're there, a commissary from the people's republic of china is visiting the monastery and uh everyone's very worried that the aliens will get detected which means that the the monastery is not above board and there will be trouble but it turns out that their concerns were ill-founded because the commissary almost operates as some sort of tantric sexual health inspector

where she roves around. This is a really desirable job. Tantric inspector! From tantric monastery to tantric monastery, making sure that the quality of practice within each place is up to standard. So there's this prolonged scene. These three aliens longingly watch the commissary have the she's a great threesome yeah phenomenal stuff uh yeah really good stuff couple of monks

really rise to the challenge and um although there are several threesomes in this film and all of them involve two people having very mutually pleasurable, penetrative sex. And one person sort of following Dick from Dick's Pleasure Palace's path to orgasm, Dirk, which is lying off to the side and imagining that they are part of the sexual encounter until they achieve orgasm. Well, it's suggested. We don't see any jizzing.

Thank God. There'll be a bit much for me, I you what i thought that theo um 204 actually articulated the experience of uh he didn't we didn't see him jizzin but we knew he'd jizzin because he articulated his feeling as um he didn't want to go to a meal because he said i feel unfocused from the fermented liquids oh i thought there was the wine though from the fermented liquids. Oh, I thought there was the wine, though, from the fermented liquids. That's booze. He was drinking booze,

and she said lightheaded, a great way to be while you focus on... I think that was after he'd had sex with Sylvia. No, he didn't have sex with Sylvia. He had sex with the woman from the fantasy. So there are so many moving parts when you get into it. I don't know. Emmanuel was trying to have sex with him.

Emmanuel tried to have sex with so many people at the start no one was having it absolutely basically though what you need to know through line of this movie is theo 204 discovers love he is single-minded in his pursuit of living happily with the stable girl heffron is power crazy and also revealing himself to be a pretty toxic presence is of course the ship's captain he spends the movie being furiously jealous of emmanuel and taking on various different forms or transmuting so he can continue to have sex with her and chasing theo around planet earth trying to say don't be a deserter you belong on the ship and um that's that's what we're dealing with there's also some romanies what are roman? Like gypsies.

Oh, yes. Yes, there's a wonderful couple of scenes with the... I worry about... Is the word gypsy a slur? Honestly, couldn't tell you. Probably not the time or place for the conversation. I think it's exactly the time and place. I just... Neither of us have the answer.

Basically, a king of this army of people who live a nomadic lifestyle and Emmanuel have their wicked way with each other. the answer basically a king of this army of people who live a nomadic lifestyle and emmanuel have their wicked way with each other they're wickedly talented the one and only adult dizzy um the uh but what i what i like in that bit of the movie with the romanies is the guy who because the thing is right theo's fallen in love with the stable girl. The stable girl's kind of into Theo, but she really wants this particular kind of horse. Of course she works in a stable. She loves these creatures. So she's going to pursue.

And Theo wants the horse too. He wants it for her, right? And for him. So he finds the Romanese because they've got these horses. And he fucking kicks the door down. He goes, yo, you guy who's about to have sex with some woman. You, have you got one of these horses? He's like, yeah, I got one of these fucking horses.

He's like, I want it. What's your price? And he goes, give me your woman. And he's like, what? He goes, just for one night. I just want to have sex with her for one night. He says, absolutely not. And he goes, hey, you've got heart.

You're little, but you've got heart. I like that. And then he just busts open a bottle of booze, starts drinking. He's like, let's get you a horse. That's got heart. I like that. And then he just busts open a bottle of booze, starts drinking. He's like, let's get you a horse. Yeah. That's a fucking, I like that. The freewheeling nature of this lifestyle. I like that guy.

I like guys who like, I like a person who will kind of give you a bit of fucking friction at the start. But if you stand your ground even a tiny bit, they'll just, they'll respect it and lay down. And then they're like let's party you like that i like it a lot i don't like someone who gives it away for free you know somebody's just like who's this fucking guy and you're like hey who's this fucking guy they're like all right let's go have a fucking beer yeah you know i understand yeah it's a good dynamic he's someone who's quite light on his feet. He doesn't take life too seriously. He asks for what he wants, and if he doesn't get it, he gets on with it.

He rolls with the punches. He does. He's a real Johnny Depp kind of a guy. Actually, I saw shades of Dirk from Dirk's Pleasure Palace in him. Prior to the success of the Pleasure Palace, because Dirk, he set up this. This is in a beautiful, statelyately sort of genuine castle looking home. But at one point in the film, his cell phone, state of the art cell phone rings and he takes it out and he says, oh shit, I'll be right on it. And then he hangs up the phone and he says, I got to get out of this business.

And the thing is, you know, you set up a pleasure Palace for the pleasure. But what you don't account for is the hours upon hours of administrative bureaucracy and red tape you've got to cut through just to facilitate a variety of different women in novelty tuxedo lingerie having sex with a variety of aliens. Also, right at the start of the movie, he claps twice, thusly, and she fucking walks in the door. That's right. So Guy and I try to figure out What kind of operation he's running here Has he got a woman at every door With a glass in her ear to her Just waiting for the claps?

Wouldn't put it past him That is no way to run an establishment It's a waste of human resources man This jaded voyeur Is struggling to keep up with the times And keep up with the books He's got his back against the wall And honestly he's doing nothing about it All he wants to do is watch people Struggling to keep up with the times and keep up with the books. He's got his back against the wall.

And honestly, he's doing nothing about it. All he wants to do is watch people achieve orgasm and not touch himself. Yeah. And it's not his way, is it, touching himself? Or even, wait, does he have sex with Emmanuel? I can't even remember. No. Emmanuel has so much sex in this movie.

Yeah, they really say, they make it look like she's not going to get any, and then she has hoops. Ample sex. Yeah. With a variety of people. And did any of it turn you on? It's called A World of Desire, Guy. Manuel in Space 2, A World of Desire. It's a clever title.

There's a lot of very beautiful women with their tops off in this movie. Here we go, here he comes. I did not get an erection in this film but i think if i was less tired maybe well as a virile and healthy young man i can assure you um if you are looking to inspect my boner which it sounds like you are i did not achieve total erection in this film i'm fucking gutted to hear that absolutely gutted i did i could i would have um there would have been movement on a rubber band yep gotcha i will say total erection in this film. I'm fucking gutted to hear that. Absolutely gutted. But I did, I could,

I would have, there would have been movement on a rubber band. Yep, gotcha. I will say that. Fair enough too. It was a very, this is probably the most sexual film of the franchise so far.

And I tell you what, it makes for interesting terrain for the boner inspector in movies coming up. Saw some Mons pubis. Yeah, that shit drives me nuts. Like angry or horny? Both. I get so frenzied when I see Amon's pubis.

Drives me fucking crazy. Drives me around the bend. Fuck, I love that tree. It's such a good tree, that tree there. The big tree or the... The big tree. Yeah, the big tree's quality. There's a big tree out the window of the studio that we record in. And I spend most of my time just looking at this tree. It's such a good big tree yeah the big tree's there's a big tree out the window of the studio that we record in and i i spend most of my time just looking at this tree it's such a good big well it started small

and now it's big it's fucking massive can you imagine the root system that must support a tree there but i would ask how tall do you reckon that tree is because it dwarfs the house by like a factor of three i reckon if you stacked the house about thrice, it's still the tree would still- I think it's two and a half times. It's two and a half houses high, to use the New Zealand metric. It might even be more. How many meters do you reckon? In meters?

Like 12? 15? Yeah, probably a couple of houses. About that, eh? Two and a half. Fuck, man. It's an impressive, beautiful tree, especially this time of year. It's all green

Tim You're tired You want out No man I understand it But I don't even know How long we've been talking

I'm not gonna tell you What I will tell you is this No we're too short I am a very Wealthy Former actor And Porn producer

And Hey I know it was A little while ago But can I just say condolences on the passing of your colleague sean connery he was a fuck yeah he didn't like him no he was he doesn't hold a candle to my bond film he did so many more than you and everyone sort of maintains he was the very best bond in that almost woefully misguided i i was the best Bond No one agrees with that I chose to do one

I actually put it in my contract before I did it I said one I cannot imagine that that's true It is true You can ask anyone Why would I lie about it? Well ask Sean Connery but he's Yeah exactly he's fucking dead

Passed away I like The best Bonds are the living Bonds Timothy Dalton George Lazenby Roger Moore's dead too Jack Lee's fucking dead. He passed away. I like the best bonds are the living bonds. Timothy Dalton. George Lazenby. Roger Moore's dead too, I think. Oh, what a shame.

Oh, wait, is he? Boo fucking hoo. If I have it my way, I'm going to put a harpoon through Pierce Brosnan next week. Good God. Good God. Yeah. That'd be a cool way to go though. I feel like Pierce Brosnan's one of those guys Who was sort of like moderately attractive

And then got less attractive in the Mamma Mia era And now got hyper attractive Because he grew his beard out Made it all fancy I think he's appeared in a couple cowboy movies The dude looks good He looks like shit No the Irish age well I'm telling you

I'm telling you Good genes for aging, if you can make it. Well, what I'd love to hear is one of your... Am I going to pitch a porno to you? Erotic little ditties. All right. If you could perhaps pitch me a porno with me, George Lazenby. Get this.

Okay. We're in space. It's humans, there's no aliens involved. Good. We're in space. It's humans. There's not aliens involved. Good. We've got three astronauts. Oh. One of the valves that leads to the outside environment, like of space, has ruptured.

There's been a tiny explosion. So the whole shuttle is starting to depressurize. This is fatally bad for the crew, if this persists. So what one of the crew does... Put their penis in it. Yes, he does. You got there. You got there before I was getting there.

He puts his dick right in it. Now, unfortunately... Is it cold? It is so You can't imagine how cold it is Oh tell me more I think it's like Close to

Absolute zero in space It's too cold yeah Freeze your dick off for sure Yeah it will But the other interesting thing is Is before that happens So on earth Do we follow the detached dick

Or do we stay with the astronaut? It is attached dick Like point of view attached or detached no wait hold on no not point of view of the dick we're like we're fixed on the dick outside the space station yeah exactly intergalactic glory hole yeah yeah exactly intergalactic glory hole so good band you know um on earth we've got a certain amount of pressure, atmospheric pressure. So our skin actually kind of pushes back to form an equilibrium. If you get in space and you don't have that, you just explode. You pop.

So he puts his dick in to the hole and it explodes and then freezes instantly. It's ghastly. But he saves the other two crew members but he dies in the process which you would kind of expect but he does form an airtight seal and uh there are two female astronauts left who comprise the crew and they are so scared and then relieved that they start making out through their helmets, which is hard. That's nice. Are they just licking the glass? Yeah.

Is it kind of fogging up? Pretty unappealing, to be honest. Is it kind of fog up and then they look through the fog and it's smeary? Yeah. That's really nice. And then one of them lifts their visor. Yeah. Because they just cannot be held back by these glassy barriers anymore.

Can they breathe okay? Well, just let me get to it, George, if you would. I thought you were a renowned listener. Hold on. Sorry, I'm just... This is where it gets juicy. So turgid. So she lifts up her visor because they've got a different kind of visor than you would expect,

like on a motorcycle helmet, so you can turn it up. So she pops that off so she can get closer to her potential lover. And wouldn't you know it, the guy's whole body is being sucked out of the hole that just no one noticed. So it gets sucked into space. And then the cabin starts depressurizing again and so her entire head explodes and just like a a fucking burst of blood and brain matter it goes all over the other woman astronaut's visor and um wow it's pretty hot stuff you're incorrigible tim that's my porno what do you reckon i like it it's not for everyone but i know no but it's for me yeah i know george

is into some some crazy shit best porno so far now if you'll excuse me I've got a booking at Dirk's Pleasure Palace You would be exactly the kind of fuck I would trust to go to Dirk's Pleasure Palace I'm gonna watch a video of Dirk watching me masturbate You've got a 10 trip ticket to the fucking Pleasure Palace That's right and this one's free Nice one brother Which leaves all of my excess capital to invest in your disgusting pornographic astronaut venture yeah man it's gonna be a good flick i'm gonna call it deep space does that work

works for me all right well that's been our um discussion on emmanuel in Space number two, A World of Desire. I'm going to give the movie four out of seven pleasure palaces. And I'm going to give the movie a right seeing two. Thank you.