The Worst Idea Of All Time - 17: Lipstick On A Glass Plate w Chris Parker

Episode Date: December 13, 2020

Comedian Chris Parker joins the boiz as this season's first guest to discuss childhood adult film consumption habits, jam sandwiches and a friend's famous trip to the Gold Coast for DVD procurement. Bad Guy also stops by to try and copulate with the film itself and Tim is trying not to vomit with the constantly rotating shots. A hot scene with a matador and a woman alien earth companion for Emmanuelle in this one all adds up to a pretty sexy time.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh yeah! Is that a sexy porno boys? With burnies up to our eyebrows! Ah! Yes! Sexy! I want to... I want to... I want to... want to I want to

suck your penis dry to the worst idea of all time season 5 episode who gives a shit we've got a special guest joining Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery today it's me and his sexist man on planet

I hate this guy so much. He's a bad guy. He's the bad guy. I don't know where he came from. I hate him. Chris Parker is here, everybody. Rousing round of applause.

Oh, very handsome. Our first guest for the season. Thanks so much for joining us, Chris. Thanks for playing the porn. Thanks for letting me watch it in between the two of you hey you gotta stay safe

and there's no safer space to watch a porno than in between a couple of veterans it's not like yeah it really did have that vibe of just like sit down

you're right we'll put you right in front of the screen and me and Tim mate we got your back the whole way long mate and if you at any point you need to tap out just let us know

we can go get some fresh air get some water it's actually a lot it's a lot it's a lot to handle did you feel safe no

yeah you were presenting a very unsafe energy you have a chaotic you have a really chaotic vibe I think I felt like I was here

ready to support you guys if anything because I saw the impact that these films have on you. You know, like, and then about halfway through, I felt the impact. And then I wanted it and life to be over.

Wow. But your intention in coming here was to look after your pals. That's it. That's so nice. And we do need it. It's so weird. It's just a lot to like, it's a really interesting social dynamic,

isn't it? Watching porn with friends. Like it's so weird. It's so, but it's so like, I just didn't know what I was going to be going, like what it was going to feel like. How did it feel, Chris?

How did you feel on the drive here? I was just like, oh, this is funny. You know? And then, and then every now and then you're like what if it's really racy and then it starts and you're like oh it's not gonna be racy at all you know like but then and then it just becomes this it's just then like then it's just like watching a very boring movie with friends that is exactly what it's like

yeah and there's nothing worse than watching a boring, boring movie. There's no reason why this film couldn't have had a plot, but it didn't have a plot. This was the third Emanuel in Space called A Lesson in Love. What is starting to frustrate me about the Emanuel in Space franchise,

and I mention this while we're watching the movie, is a lot of it is spent on Earth. And some of it's funny like the first the scene this time emmanuel isn't bringing a dude down previously she's brought halfron down or theo down so she's like bringing different aliens down and sort of showing them these sexual ropes but in this instance she brought down a a woman alien who she is going to imbue with sort of uh knowledge a sexual awakening the car carnal knowledge and the for me the the i mean it was also my one of the more morally questionable

moments of the movie but emmanuel brings her down and they have sex in a las vegas hotel room the two of them and it seems to be a pretty good time and then afterwards they have a meal and after she's made this woman have a trembling orgasm she has to teach her how to eat food like a person because this woman is like hole fisting picking up bunches of grapes

and just trying to put the entire thing in she grabs and a croissant clearly upside down an upside down croissant with one hand like a fucking animal

and then a bushel of grapes you can eat a croissant upside down but you can't that's what this movie showed me it's so clear you're doing it wrong you're not enjoying the picture of what you eat otherwise just get a bum do you think you can eat a that means you can eat a hamburger upside

down yeah you definitely can that's crazy and that's crazy difference does it make it doesn't or a pie but i think i sometimes like to eat a pie upside down because the fallout is oh my god you're right because Because the smaller bit could be the roof. And that would make more sense. You want a wider base on the floor. Because you've got like the pocket of, you know,

like the deeper part of the pie. Like it's easy to control that with the upper side of your mouth if that makes sense. I'm watching Chris do this and it is fantastic. Yes, very sexy. Whereas when it's the heavy part when the the bigger part of the pie

and the lower part of your mouth it's hard to navigate because you're that bottom part of your jaw is there but they don't the lid the pastry lid is not always on tight enough our mouths go flatter base on the floor and then in like a narrower roof so you do have to flip the pie upside that's why hamburgers can be the wrong way up because they are designed like that it's eating food upside down more it's crazy why this movie's really turned the corner fast yeah because we've gone from ragging on it to being inspired i was raging on it raging boner in it. I want to fuck this movie. Oh, God, no. Guy's been wheeling this dude out periodically,

and listen, I've enjoyed it a lot. I haven't. In the moment, it really does take you by surprise. It's just like a coping mechanism. So when Emmanuel came down with a dude, Hafron? Hafron, that was the first film. Are they having sex a lot?

They did have some sex. And Hafron's like the captain of the spaceship. And he, so he sort of learns about sex and he starts, not unlike the woman, was her name Tricia? Should we call her Tricia?

I think it was Tricia. So not unlike Tricia, sort of gets a taste for sex with people and then suddenly has this like very pesty voracious appetite where she just keeps going to new places

and hitting up some fella to absolutely around the world it was just like she was in she was like in Paris fucking on the Eiffel Tower

in Spain fucking with the bulls I call it around the world in 80 fucks but yeah they are just travelling around the world in 80 fucks. But yeah, they are just travelling around the world

boning their friends in it and by the end of it you're just... The reason it's a tricky thing to deal with is because when he pops up it's very hard to put anything

on top of that. Throughout the world in 80 fucks. What do you throw in? Sort of like a German sex doctor. He's just a guy he's okay

he's like one of the like one of the characters they cut from the Muppets because they're like he's dicey yeah we can't give him

we can't give him to the kids yeah and how much fucking is in the show now not enough they got as far as the Swedish shit and this guy

is just beyond that oh my god yeah so there's like a little break the Muppets should be horny now you know how there's a lot of like reboots as far as the Swedish chef and this guy is just beyond that. Oh my God. Yeah, so there's like a little break. The Muppets should be horny now. You know how there's a lot of reboots of stuff because it's trying to match the age group that the people who originally came up with it are. The Muppets should be now horny. Do you know what?

You never see, even if you're on the porn websites, they'll show you different cartoons and different compromising positions. Never the Muppets. Never anyone from the street. Because they're like there for kids. It's copyright.

Surely. Jim Henson had come down. Well, you try telling that to this disgusting animator who's trying to make me watch Lois Griffin and Marge Simpson having a whale of a time. That is the thing that I'm never like, oh. It never even slightly appeals to me. The amount of like, oh no, like I feel when I see a cartoon, like Homer Simpson with a throbbing heart on. He's such a big cock. It's like seeing your parents fuck.

You're just like, no, like immediately you just don't want to see it. If these images are to be believed, Homer Simpson is packing heat and it explains a lot of his confidence. Yeah, it's amazing. He's like walking, like of course he can sleep on the job. He's like the biggest cock

I know. He works in a nuclear power plant. That wouldn't help. That's right. People are depending on him to not explode

America. Yeah, it's... Since Chernobyl, guys with big dongs falling asleep at the wheel Why? Communism

Who is the hottest cartoon? Oh the dad from American Dad Inside Out You know the one with the cartoon Oh he has got Yeah yeah He's the dad from Inside Out

I can't remember what he looks like He's got a moustache And he fucks like a racehorse He stinks of sweat in a good way. What about the parents from The Incredibles, the mum and the dad? I haven't seen that movie. Too cartoonish.

Too cartoonish. She's very stretchy. Sailor Moon, I think, is quite a sexy cartoon. I don't think of Sailor Moon as sexy. I haven't spent enough time with the show, but I feel like she takes up space in the world as a sexy animated animated character it's been intentionally gone in that direction which is um it's gross because she it's probably if you look

at canon you know too young but they like it because of the short skirts right the lads like it for the short skirts which is something that definitely was alarming for me watching this whole film well like what it raised in my mind was like the thing that is traditionally pitched sexy to me is like repulsive you know like there's nothing that turns me off more than like red roses and candles and like well that kind of like that and like and sort of like a lipstick thrown on a glass plate yeah i, I know. It fucks me off when someone tries to seduce me and I walk into a room and I can barely move the lipstick on a glass plate.

Because you started telling us right when the movie started and you were like, you know, you get the sort of visceral experience of saying, I'm sitting down, I'm watching porn with friends here. And also this is porn of an era that maybe was close to when you first watched porn. You started telling us about your maiden porn watching experience yeah well because we okay so i had a best mate who will i respect brother thanks man thanks dude and he was and he was 100 real and

everything um but i won't i won't name him name shame him, because maybe, I don't know, I don't want to tarnish his professional career with this. With mentioning him on Worst Idea of All Time. Well, we watched a lot of porn together. Oh, okay. It was one of the main things we did together. That and just kind of hanging out as friends. But he was a straight dude who, in hindsight, very non-judgmental about clearly his struggling best friend who was not getting into it. But we used to go to his house on the Friday night, have a sleepover, get out of bed at like 11.50, walk upstairs to the lounge, turn on the gigantic TV that lit up the whole house and watch

the Emmanuel movies together. Then we discovered DVDs. He was old enough to... And he went on a very famous trip to the Gold Coast with, I think, his stepdad. And they went

to a CD or DVD shop and he bought... He came back and he's like, my God, my friend, have I got his stepdad, and they went to a CD or DVD shop, and he came back and he's like, my God, my friend, have I got some treasures for you? And he's like, I bought some DVD pawns. And I was like, holy smokes. That is on demand. You can put those on when you want.

This is such an escalation of intensity. I'm imagining the step up in the sort of like hardcore level of pornography you've gone from just sneaking a glance at a nipple on Sky One after midnight to your mate coming back from the Gold Coast laden with pornographic DVDs. I'm so scared for you right now. It was so confusing. It was still very much of a similar like rating of porn

like it was still it wasn't like you know it wasn't any of that kind of stuff but it was like oh god it's all

it's all colliding like all the things we used to watch them because he moved house so we were the setting had changed and now we were watching them in his garage

where he slept very cool yeah the cool to sleep the garage is my man cave he got out of all sorts of trouble in the garage and i you know like i remember like lying on his camp stretcher watching them on this tv but it was like this is such a like an iconic teenage boy yeah and he he had an eye robot do you remember like you could like kind of buy robot toys like and they

almost did what you asked yeah yeah and that was kind of like in the corner and then like lots of like just rollerblades around and then this is all his stuff yeah just stuff that's incidentally in the garage like it was it was like he never fully converted it so it'd be like bed thing rollerblades and a rake you know just like until you got to rake i was going to describe this dude as the most zeitgeisty person he was on the pulse he was on the pulse and then this this style of porn was like it was following like what i think was like a fake rock group going on tour and it was called groupies and it was all about like groupies being like like it was really dodgy shit yeah but like the the main thrust of it was the the rock stars throwing like shaved ham at the woman's boobs and making like a jam sandwich and putting like jam on it i hate food play i know i don't want

to kink shame but all these softcore pornographies. And their food play is so rad. And I remember just being like, gross. And I remember visiting like 13 or 14 and just being like, well, even younger, probably like 12. And like, you know, you want to be like, nice. Can you do the noise you made before you said nice? Nice. You know, like, and it's hard because you just want to be like,

I was just like, are they making a was just like are they making a sandwich why are they making a sandwich like why are they into it who's into this like is this nice for the guys to be like take that ham like it's so who's this for and then i think it's just permanently like burnt and like rotted a part of my brain you know like because it's just like it's yeah it's just like i'll never forget it but anyway that there was a there was a promise of food plate in this and i immediately sort of felt myself be like not again there was it was chocolate strawberries right and it was like like they barely dipped it in yeah yeah and it was the work because i like a chocolate dipped strawberry if the if it's a hard coated like oh it dries when you remember tempers you know yeah crack whereas

and that could be a little sexy maybe like when the models buy on the magnums it's the old it's actually that was um moritz which is a magnum equivalent so moritz please your pronunciation moritz uh it was an old it's like a glamour ice cream you know like a luxury ice cream on a stick yeah and you bite it and it'd be like

you know and it would shatter the ad was a why is that sexy a man and a woman playing chess and the woman was in a negligee and she beats the man

and says checkmate in some eastern european language and then bites an ice cream which is hot and then crazy to be playing chess and an ice cream which is hot and then like crazy to be playing chess and eating ice cream at the

same time and a negligent like obviously while preparing to fuck this guy because for me like ice creams aren't very sexy

it's like have a little sweetie like it's more kiddie kind of fun like oh I want a little ice cream oh no you can

make ice cream attractive shove it up your asshole. That's right. You've got it. You've got the guy. Have you met my brother, second horniest man? I love to shove the Moritz up my asshole.

And I eat the stick out of his mouth. And then we both fuck this same kangaroo. We are brothers, but we love to fuck each other. You know kangaroos have three vaginas for three brothers. I don't know about all this, to be honest. Don't know about it. What did you think, Tim? I wanted to get back into the, while the movie was playing

and we were talking about the chocolate strawberries, the chocolate body paint thing. There was some interesting shit going on in the 90s. First of all, bisexuality was sweet as. Yeah. Everyone was kind of, seemed quite fine with it. You brought up the good point, because I want to assume once we cross these social thresholds,

things become normalized and fine. But I think we did regress with bisexuality in the early 2000s. Absolutely. And I think it was sort of like the era of like weirdly like austin powers things got like that was like the worst of it like you know but we before then we were like blossom we yeah we were sort of like oh we kind of accepting and we're sort of getting it and then it was suddenly like the noughties happened and we were like let's turn the clock back a little bit you know then we got really like

we're reinvading ira. We are homophobic again. Really judgmental. And maybe it was like the rise of like the styles of comedy writing as well that really got punching down. Yeah. And then, yeah, and then we sort of, then it was like unpacking all that work again.

But yeah, the 90s was like hot for body paint and like, and food play, I reckon. Yeah. I used to love those candy G-strings. What I'd do is I'd go down to the sex store and buy a little candy G-string

and I'd put it on myself and I'd go home and I'd, I would eat it until I was sucking my own cock. I've got a visual of you trying to, the flexibility involved. I almost believe that story. I remember me and that sex obsessed, I mean, he was the guy that me and him just we discussed

we were like encountering this is your friend yeah we were encountering our sexualities which the plot was supposed to be

different we were pitching it as if they were the same and we were encountering that together and I remember him we're like walking down Manchester Street

very famous street in Christchurch which is filled with like sex shops and it was like it's a red light district of Chichibu. It was.

Yeah, sort of a, not really red, though. It was sort of more sort of an amber. And I remember being like, yeah, can't wait till we turn 18 and we can go into these shops. That is the rule. That's the law, and it's there for a reason. And never went into them, because then, like, by the time I was 18, boy, you could buy it all online.

Yeah, that's right. And that's the real tragedy of the 2000s do you guys remember going a move of commerce to switch from brick and mortar stores where upon your 18th birthday you could frequent a sex shop for the very first time and experience in all five senses the thrill of buying explicit material and toys. You could finally slip through the beaded curtain down at your local video store to go into a small 4x4 room on which every single shelf is plastered a heavily pornographic and punny title. And now, robbed this generation. Even as a young teenager, as a 15-year-old,

you could step in there for a second and then step back out for fear of being caught and just parade around looking at rom-coms in the ordinary section with a boner poking out of your trousers. Tossed out of the waistband. This is too specific to be... No, this is general. This is a general observation.

You'd be walking around video easy Carlton Mill. What is up with the fact that they all had to have pun names? Oh, I don't know. You've got to sell to a pre-sold franchise. People want to watch the war flicks. They want to see Shaving Ryan's Privates. I never got that. I was like, is the shaving the sexy part?

They were just looking for it. I thought it was a Friends joke. It was like Is the shaving the sexy part Like I think They were just looking for I thought it was a friends joke It was a joke from friends Yeah it was Phoebe's sister Who was in I don't know It was actually a porno

Buffy the vampire layer And there was some other ones There was also Lawrence of Mylabia A joke revisited In Sex and the City 2 What A little

Cross universe I like to think every movie I've watched exists in the same cinematic universe. Easily. The Montgomery universe. Everything exists in my universe. That, I haven't laughed at it, but might be the funniest thing you've ever seen.

It's interesting because the only weird thing thing the thing that i was scared about specifically when they were the characters were in vegas um was i felt like we were going to cross over with full house because i swear there's an episode where they get lost in vegas and i was freaking out for a while i was like i cannot see the olsen twins young in this movie but i was waiting for them to kind of just walk past in the back of shot. This movie held one of my favorite lines ever, really, which is, so where are you from? I'm from Vegas.

Like no one's from Vegas. Because if you are from Vegas, you don't leave. But she's actually from outer space. That's right. But in many ways, isn't Las Vegas Our own little slice of space Here on earth I've never been to Las Vegas I went once

Not for me I took magic mushrooms I broke even Still didn't love it That's wild To not Have an all time great trip It was still

It was fun But I was like I don't need It's gross That's the thing It's a similar thing To the sexy thing Of like

Lipstick on a glass plate Is like It's gross. That's the thing. It's a similar thing to the sexy thing of, like, lipstick on a glass plate. It's like, want to have a bit of naughty fun? Like, the pokies. You know, like, that doesn't make me want to have fun. That makes me really sad. Like, it's like the thing that when something is pitched obviously to you to have a good time, I freak out. You must have hated the opening salvo of this film then which

was a sex scene intercut with different people gambling in the middle of game like not even yeah oh every one of them was losing they would have a lot of um pokey machines coming up with like it'll be like seven different seven i just feel like i've seen the last 10 years like running away from that culture you know just like that thing of like, and then it's like those dudes go to like dress up nights, which is themed like pimps and hoes. And it's like, I just have never been invited to one of those parties and I never want to be.

I'm going to have a pimps and hoes Christmas party and you're very welcome to come, but beware, it's going to get slippery. We should talk about the version of that in this film, which is the party. Do you want to describe how that Valentine's Day party happens, that Mario orchestrates? We don't even know.

That part of the movie happened. We were like, where are we? We suddenly may have been in Italy, but we weren't sure. But they're going to... That's on the boat, though, isn't it? But where was the boat yeah i mean in las vegas this is the famous las vegas coastline the thing about this film is it's just a series of like it's a it's a premise right like it's these two hot ladies come to earth and go

around the world because they can transport very fast so you can you can fuck in all sorts of fun places one of these places is a kind of Valentine's Day party. Masquerade as small. Yes, where some guy is, he's a philosopher in a way. He's a millionaire. He's a philanthropist. He's all about free love. But turns out it's a bit more conditional than that.

He wants you to have sex with someone specific. And so he has chosen. His vision of free love lovers he chooses who everyone knows it's like literally the opposite yeah so he's handed out a whole bunch of what i will honestly say are very cheap masks like just two dollars like a bunch of open eyes and that style of mask with the feathers around i feel so familiar with i would love to see the characters in the movie being like is it just me the are the masks really cheap this year? I think Mario might have lost a lot of money

and Mario's still trying to throw his big party. And everyone's like, it feels off this year, guys. Oh, remember the year that was all like those Venetian masks? And suddenly it's like paper flimsy masks. Mine's got a macaroni border it feels like a child and so he's given out masks and you have to find someone with the same mask as you and that is your valentine and he's like it's like you know like it's not much more said on that but he's being like you must have sex with them. And what he explicitly says is, you may not trade masks.

I have dished out these masks. And Emmanuelle is a classic Shakespeare switcheroo. Yeah. She pours a glass of red wine on someone and while they're cleaning themselves up, swaps the mask. Just like old Romeo and it led into what I would call my low point of the film just the longest like dimliest lit slowest saddest

fuck but there was a pour of it had a bit of food play because there was a promise of food play in this whole film and it didn't really happen and then suddenly it was like

he was pouring bubbles I'm not going to say it's champagne because if the quality of the master was anything to go by yeah he's cutting costs you know you can't call them masks unless they're from the mask region so it's traditional face cover traditional yeah the sparkling white is on he's he pours a bit of sparkling grape juice into like the crevice of her back which is just crazy meanwhile the cameraman or the camera person is literally running around them in circles pointing their camera on the action they keep

doing it it makes me so ill because not only do they have these constantly rotating shots of the sex scenes they will intercut it with a constantly rotating shot of the spaceship and then a child's carousel ride going at full tilt with the fucking sound. I was waiting for you to cut to Sugar Babe singing Round Round. It's just like everything was rotating and all in different ways. You just feel so dizzy. The problem with this film, what made it so excruciatingly boring and really sort of hard to key into is just like it felt like there was exactly the same amount of

time given to the exposition or the dialogue and then also the sex scenes but there was no oomph to either of them like the dialogue was all very pedestrian and they had no story to further and then the sex scenes were also there was one sex scene that was quite good when Trisha, after she's just been fucking pesting all around the world, she goes to Spain and she pests, in a changing room, she pests a matador. I loved it. And that was really, like, you guys were very,

I was sort of coming in and out of the world at that point, but you guys were very, it was beautifully set up and constructed. So well lit. The sexual dynamic was really clear and strong. And they changed roles as well, which was kind of sexy. My biggest critique of that is that they should have used a daylight temperature on that light instead of a cold. It was very cold.

It was very coldly lit. And it was not doing wonders for his butt. You both criticized the... They put a towel down as well. Well, he didn't put a towel down. He lay his mat matador cape down which i think was supposed to be a very romantic sexy gesture but and just kind of screamed of being like oh and something to mop up afterwards which was just not nice when you articulated it it was it was so good because it was like i feel that this is yuck and i don't know why it was like a little bib for your bottom like you know what they're going for is like shag pile rug fucked by a fire but what it read in the moment is was as you said discharge

is gonna happen god he would be exhausted that's right he's just been been running around with a bull yeah and suddenly he walks back he's like i need to take my shirt off because i'm so hot like it's the middle of summer in spain and he's, like, right to my cold office, where I loved his office. It was kind of an office, even though it was kind of backstage of the Matador Arena. And he had, like, a big desk, where I imagine he does his taxes and his paperwork.

And he's got a sculpture of a bull he looks at. On the desk. And it was just, like, amazing. And so he's just, like, clocking off, like, I'm done for the day. The crowds loved the bull stuff again again and like he did a tight 10 or whatever and he's just like feeling really confident then this this yeah woman there is just like nice she didn't even chat he's just like what

are you doing here and then away they go this is what shits me and this is where i feel similarly to you about like the like this is the example you gave. So I'll return it, but the lipstick on a glass plate thing, like this traditional romance or this idea of like carefully orchestrated, uh, arousing situations. And this character was driving me nuts.

It's like the assumption that everyone wants to have sex with her. And it's like arriving at these inopportune moments and just insisting upon it being an arousing or like and it's everything's dripping and like intent yeah and it's just it feels so like heavy and you can't move and it's like i just want to be able to fucking relax and have fun but everything you say is like construed through a sexual filter it's why the trope of a pizza boy turning up is so often used to describe porn, because it's the spontaneous nature of, you thought one thing was happening, which is that you're getting it. Or actually, take it from the pizza delivery person's perspective,

you think you're delivering a pizza, just like always, just for the 50th time tonight, knock on the door, open it. 50 pizzas is a busy night. It's a lot, isn't it? Isn't that a lot? Yeah, 50 pizzas. 50 pizzas is a busy night. It's a lot of money, isn't it? Isn't that a lot? Yeah, 50 pizzas. This guy's knackered. He's knocking on 50 doors.

The last thing he wants is to lie down in someone else's bed. He's like, I've got 35 more pizzas in my car and I'm going to get fired. They're getting colder

by the second. And the next one is on the literally other end of town. They're individual orders as well. No one's ordered two pizzas. No, he's got 50 houses to go to. We've got to talk about the fucking hot, hot, muscly man.

Oh, yeah. Was he the first one that... It was an array of buff bodies. And this is the thing that was really interesting. And at a point where I was like, it's like this film is made for one gay man, two straight men. Like this is like the perfect combo to watch this film because,

and it kind of goes down to the initial premise, which is why I'm interested about the idea of like other films being Emmanuel and a man going down because I, then he might be having sex with more women. You might see some more different types, but this is like, you're only seeing the same two women have sex with all these other guys so it's very like it's true female led and like the woman is having like she's getting all these different types of male bodies and so like and they really seemed in control of them a bit more they're not they're not different types of they're different

men they're not it's the same body type well they were on a slider though. That first guy was incredible. I've never seen so many muscles on him. Because they were all in proportion with each other. They were all quite big but not... I don't like that kind of grotesque body build. The bulgy thing. He walked that fine line. He had such clearly and perfectly defined muscles,

but all within, I mean, this is probably an offensive thing to say, but within taste. Like, none of them were sort of exploding with veins. No, there was no, the matador was probably the beefiest boy, but fuck, I mean, that suits his job, you know, whereas there was like the bow boy at the hotel in Vegas. I reckon if I was a matador, I'd want to, I'd almost want my exact body. I think too much muscle, too top heavy, you know. You're not as...

You want to zip around the ball. You want to be able to bend around. I imagine the ball going at me and I bend my whole body around. You're kind of like looping like Elastic Girl. Yeah. Jumping over the... Yeah, I guess he sort of wants to grab the ball

by the horns and sort of fling it away. I think if he was off balance ever so slightly, he's so top heavy that he would fall down. And then the bull just has to round the corner, come back and impale him with one of his horns. Bulls, not famously good corner turners, though. They're really good in a straight line. They'll go like stink. But you give them a turn of corner in a hurry, they're on their side. We're talking bulls with Timbett here.

Welcome back to Talking Bulls. I guess matadors are sexy. Yeah. I was surprised. I was like, when we got to the matador arena, I was like, yeah. I think the ethics...

Of all the jobs. Yeah, yeah. The ethics are questionable now, but the idea of a traditional matador, like you imagine at the height of, you know, that being... I mean, it's still a huge part of the culture in spain but like the idea of that is very sexy because you're watching someone in mortal peril yeah they they survive and it's like you know

the list through their skill through nothing but their skill when they're in paris and she fucks a guy who can barely paint a picture oh yeah and he had a grotty apartment she's like i love your apartment and it was so kind of beige and yeah and he was painting a very dark he was he was sitting by himself with a canvas and an easel next to a merry-go-round in a public park painting a photo of someone else's child flying a kite and this alien shows up and says fuck me and he says okay but he did have like he had some champagne just like on ice back at his apartment which was i mean i i kind of get the contract slightly because it is like very reminiscent of like grinder hookups where you just like are like we are engaging in sexual intercourse

like that but there's like and like even engaging into the app like you're like that's up top like the contract here where is this like straight people cruising? Because this is in a park? I guess so, but you're just like, the situation is like, he's just so horny already. He asks her as well. To even just have sex on the mind. As forward as she is through this entire movie, he says, I hope this isn't too forward, but my apartment is nearby. This is actually all circling back to

a point that you you kind of raised which i think like so there's the thing about the the forced eroticism or the forced like uh mood that the that irks you and also me and then also it's like um the idea like watching these pornos and then watch it as i as i grew older and watch more a wider variety of porn apart from just softcore emmanuel porns but like remembering the idea that everyone is horny all the time and that the first thing you do when you're really horny if you wind up with a woman is like spend 45 minutes fondling her breasts it's like it's the it's the same point that you made which is like it's it's really unbecoming. It's also quite confusing because then when you actually do start having sexual experiences, it doesn't come up in any way or shape or form the way that it's presented.

I know. And that's the, well, that's because I've had sex with the ladies and the men, you know, and when I was having sex with the ladies, it was like, that was definitely in my mind. It was like, it needs to be this like, i need to light a candle and i need to like throw a million beads around the banister of my bed and like not unlike the at one point they'd strewn beads all around this four poster bed and the man was running around with the camera to film it and they were spinning the beads were all rocking back and forth i don't think the camera person moved from that one because they could the bed was literally and you could so i was like no they're just moving the camera

perspective like no look at the beads and by centripetal force you could see them being shifted around and um but then when i got to have started having sex with men like it was like i had like liberated that idea of it having to be so... And it became fun and exhilarating and fast. With shame and guilt and all. Shout out to all our Catholic listeners. And it's thrilling. And it can be way more fun, which is like... You're also having sex with people you want like

you buy you're like driven to have sex with at this point which is a huge difference and you like the person you're with but um yeah no it's like i don't know i feel like there's there could be thrill in these if i was to give any notes you know it's just like pace it up you know have a quick fuck, you know, great moment. Cause she's been to Paris and Spain or whatever. And I was like,

where next? Where is obviously another iconic landmark. Yeah. Hollywood. And so she has sex with a Hollywood director. Who's making just a sort of film about two people who want to kill each other on the side of the road. And in front of like a demented peewee herman set some weird backdrops and then they are kind of going to have this like quick

quickie like on like it is the is it you're exhausted of the idea of sex in the movie by them but it is on site the most titillating scene because well except that it's in broad it's one that's what's fun about it it's a different it is a change of environment like every other scene's been shot like in silhouette really exactly the same pace exactly the same setup you're like we get it you're like long languid sexual experiences but this might be like the sort of because i think a lot of like gay porn and stuff is like you know quickies and like or like just doing it in public or whatever quickies the digestive quickies uh they put a quick food play it's like digestion pills but then like yeah i was excited to be like oh they're gonna have sex

really fast on this couch or something or maybe it's just wanted the movie to be over. Yeah. But then again, it was just like really slow and just like all about the nipples and a lot of belly button play. Yes. A lot of licking. Of the belly button. Or tonguing belly buttons. And the guys, apparently in the film,

the guys love it. Like they just love having their belly button eaten now. That's right. There's nothing quite like having your lint removed by the tongue of another. Then she exchanges it into his mouth. We've got some segments that we need to race through.

And the first one is actually hosted by me. It's the Boner Inspector. Oh my God. Okay, I'll inspect myself. Yes, still got a big boner. I've had big boner. I've had a boner since I was 16. I can't get rid of it is why I'm so confused.

It's a difficult position to get. There's a lot of hoops to jump through. There's a lot of internal politics. I don't know how this man ascended to the boner inspector. You'd want it to be a more supportive, like, sort of... I'm safe! And so is his brother, who he likes to fuck. No boner for me, and I was hoping for one just to be like, oh, he's still got a bit in the old horse.

You know? Yeah, yeah. So I was willing, wanting, hoping. This was the furthest I've been from it. This felt so un-erotic. You were full linguine. Yeah, I was, as they say in the film. She asks one of the bellboys to make her his famous linguine,

which we immediately assumed is when he fucks her with a flaccid cock. I'm full linguine. That's a really funny name. Tim, any murmurings from your penis? Nah, man. I was a combination of bored and cracking up Those were the two We did have fun didn't we

We did some laughs It's so nice to have not just a guest But Chris Parker That's right it is a delight And the other section is It's called Picture Porno with George Lazenby Oh who's he? I'm sorry it's so hot in here, right?

So hot. It is very hot in here. I don't have much time before I pass out from dehydration. Is George the guy from the planes in the first film? Yes. You got it. Also, one-time James Bond star and will not let it go. And the world's greatest listener.

The world's greatest listener, that's right. We've got to pitch him a porno. Me. George Lazenby. Yes. greatest listener the world's greatest listener that's right we gotta pitch him a porno me george laser yeah um it's um it's well it's obviously called lipstick on a glass plate oh you into it and it's a series of um well it's a it's a series of really quick farts actually uh because they're this everyone is everyone is so scared about being caught. They've got to get it done fast. I'm listening.

Are they all in one room? Yeah, all in one room. Okay. You want that? I'm just asking. The way that you pitched it, I mean, it could be anywhere, but if you wanted them all in one room. So far, you've just described the idea of a lot of people having sex in a rush.

It's in the morning rush. It's before work. And everyone's like, they haven't had sex with their partners for like six months. And they're like, this morning. Why do all of these people live together? It's an apartment building. And there's a whole bunch of young yo bros and they've been and they're in their committed relationships and they're all going to have sex but it's like let's just do it this morning otherwise we're never going to do it so they just quickly have sex uh and before they leave the wife is like i've got

to go to work and she puts her lipstick on and throws it on the glass plate and that's the last final frame so we zoom out i like it okay thank you thank you tim awesome green lighting it it's like quibi how can it go wrong you know people want bite-sized scenes it's exactly like quibi why didn't they make porn on quibi they absolutely that should have been the pivot that's the play had invested yeah but i think millions because it's also to watch on the phone in these small little videos like the length of a port porn you're like it's a seven minute what is a seven what is it what genre of movie do i want what last seven minutes What lasts? Seven minutes on my phone. Seven minutes no more. Those fucking dumb assholes were so clockish. Mike Katzenberg, if you're listening. You were so fucking close, and you spent so much money building the infrastructure.

I reckon we should absolutely put porn on Netflix. I just think it's the absolute way to go. Because also you could have the logins, because there's like, different logins, right? So you could just have the, you need to be 18, to get into this part of Netflix.

Yeah, kids never can figure that stuff out. But it's fine, you know, because then it's also being paid, and like, and it's being curated by Netflix, up top.

Exactly. So at least they're not, at least the parents are like, well, I mean, I can see from the history, they've been watching a lot of porn, but at least it's good stuff.

They're not going to,, to like grubby porn sites and seeing real aggressive, horrible stuff that's planting bad seeds in their head. But then you get to pay for your porn is the important part. And you're not like, you know, your dad's going through your taxes and like, what's cocky, boys? You know, you don't get that. It's just like, oh, that's Chris's Netflix account. Why the fuck aren't they doing that?

Can we circle back to that anecdote where your dad is going through your taxes and notices that you've... Listen, my dad does my taxes. And is a huge fan of our show. And I've subscribed to like a couple of OnlyFans accounts in my time. But I have to go through my taxes before I give them to my dad. time but i have to go through my taxes before i give them to my dad thus negating the point that my dad helps me with my taxes anyway to scrub out the only fans titles inside of those because i'm trying to pay for more porn but it's good on you but you know you do what you can what do you what how would the conversation go do you think if you are you just go what's only fans um it's an online website subscription like athletes

don't you do these guys aren't athletes could you could you i mean you couldn't have that conversation with your dad would you have that conversation with your dad if i if he was doing my taxes and stuff and i was like oh god all right fine really Actually, do you know what? I would. I would. What about you? I would. Tattooed underpants. I would, but, you know, it would just be like,

don't worry about it. It's just you pay to see naked photos of people. I brought this mentality to my drug use as well. You're better to say it's porn than you pay to see naked photos. That is way sadder. That is so sadder. Photos.

Or is this how you have to explain it to Stephen so he understands what's going on? Dad doesn't understand moving pictures. That's where I pay. We don't have a TV. Just a painting above the fireplace that he looks at every night. That's where we pay to see pictures of Homer Simpson

naked yeah and his monster hog with a giant donut wedged over it it is that is a Homer Simpson

porn I'd like to watch just him fucking a giant donut is that what you've seen or is that just something you've created from your mind's eye I imagine

I mean I just put I imagine it exists because it is it's iconic it's the perfect snack to fuck. That's right. It's built for it. If you want to fuck it, you know that.

Homer Simpson would. If you want to be fucked, then I would suggest an eclair. Even that. It's like ordering the full linguine. No, donut's good because it's crumbly. I'm imagining you're trying to fuck yourself with an eclair. It's just whipped cream all around you. It is very difficult.

Battle! Okay, we've got to leave this room. It's so hot and I can't handle Guy Montgomery anymore. Chris Parker, thank you so much for joining us as our inaugural guest. Anything you'd like people to inspect? Plugs. Oh, no. Just enjoy your year.

Don't worry about it. I will then As the producer Of the male gaze It is a fantastic podcast It was a test You failed I forgot about

My own podcast It's Chris Parker And Eli Matheson And it's just Fucking great So subscribe to it You dingus And

Maybe I think this will be Around like The time When this comes out If all goes well. Chris and I and Eli might

maybe have a pretty big and crazy announcement to make by the year's end. Yeah. I hope you do. Is it that I'm welcome to come

and hang out with you guys now? Well, how do you mean? Is that the big announcement? No, you're still on the blacklist. Yeah.

Do you want to do an episode with us? Of the male gaze? Yeah. With our straight friends. Sure. I don't think I'm the perfect fit, but I'll give it a go. We've had straighter people on the podcast.

We've had Brindley Stench. Bye, everybody. See you in the next exciting installment of the Manual in... Space! exciting installment of the manual in SPACE! Thank you.