The Worst Idea Of All Time - 19: Asparagus Wees

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Guy conducts a Herculean campaign in not discussing the movie he just watched, starting with outlining the relief of realising he doesn't have to watch Fast 8. Tim almost dies by walking into traffic watching the movie on his phone with earphones in. The Batman also finds the perfect gift for Guy, Becky - a 2000 Sydney Olympics paralympic athetic. Then it becomes basically the Joe Rogan Experience as two white cis men get in the weeds about their stand up comedy. This episode also features a brief conversation about the film, Furious 7.Support TWIOAT on SubstackSee Guy LiveSee Tim Live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Music 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Hello everybody and welcome to the worst idea of all time Season 6 Fast and Furious, all of them in reverse Yeah, and first things first Like a car Yeah, no, you don't hear much acceleration when you reverse the car.

You hear... Which sound do you think describes most your feeling about this season? Is it... Or is it... No, no, it's definitely the reversing sound. It's a flatlining cardiogram. It's... Yeah, it's not fast. Are you furious about that? and cardiogram. It's irritating.

Yeah, it's not fast. Are you furious about that? No, I'm interested. I'm intrigued. I'm noticing things. And I just want to address this because we were copping a lot on social media. Oh, yeah.

A lot of people climbing through the internet saying, fuck you, fuck you phonies you've missed a screening yeah and um admittedly in terms of you know i had dropped a ball yeah guy had done nothing wrong well no i you know i could have stayed on top of things but what is important is this the work was done the episodes released oh i didn't give context just in case okay so i we released an episode that we've uh recorded in melbourne with patty harrison that was uh a real um felt like a bit of an interrogation i think it was my favorite episode of the podcast so far but certainly i think it came at the right time, and it was very probing, and you were very vulnerable.

It was a special conversation, I feel. That's why I should have named the episode, A Special Conversation with Peter Harris. Alongside the feedback we got on the episode, which was fantastic, there was a lot of people saying, well, that's all well and good, but this is distressingressing because you're saying this is your last screening of fast eight and this is the seventh conversation that you've released about fast eight and um and then when we went to david o'doherty which was on the same day we watched fast seven for the first time and people people really got fucking riled up when that one came out people got very upset about that too not because of david who once once more was an outstanding guest but because we had skipped over some of our homework.

And Tim and I scheduled. We glanced at the numbers and we looked at each other and we said, all right, let's make this up. And we made a date. We planned it. And then morning of, I was in no state of mind to be watching Fast 8. Picture this. Guys in Melbourne, he's done approximately 600 shows in the last three weeks.

And I think, wasn't it your last? It's the last morning. It's the last Sunday. So did you have shows? You had a live spelling bee that night? No, no, no. So the night before i'd um i'd circled you know prior to any of this information i'd circled as the night because

i was doing i had a spelling bee on the friday spelling me on the saturday solo shows both nights yeah i had a late night spot after the spelling bee on the saturday and i was like and i was like fuck me i'm gonna absolutely send it here i've been holding on onto a lot of energy. Well, not a lot of energy, but I needed- You've been surviving. And then this little moment cropped up in front of me that said, hey, we're going to have to, this movie you thought you were finished watching, you're going to have to track back and watch it.

And I remember actually now- The immaturity of you to be put in that situation and say, do you know what? In some ways I need to do it. What I want to do so much is just fucking send it tonight. Probably get to bed at about 4 a.m., put a bunch of substances in my body, hang out with the coolest people in the world,

just fucking go. But what I must do, what I ought to to do also is i need to watch a fast and furious movie yeah this is this is how answerable we are to you that's cooked i uh rent the movie i start watching the movie and i'm just so this is the next morning you're rinsed um i'm not enjoying it and i'm i'm just thinking something doesn't add up here. I've seen this movie. You know, I've not seen it once. I've not seen it seven times even. I've seen this movie eight times.

And so the movie's on. I've paid $5.99 for probably the fourth time to read Fast Aid on YouTube. Do you know what? Anyway, go on. And I'm watching and I'm just thinking, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This ain't it. And I'm watching and I'm just thinking, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This ain't it. And I'm digging through the calendar. I'm digging through all of the, you know, because when we organize a watch and a thing together,

I've taken to putting the screening number in parentheses next to the thing. And my calendar just says F7 brackets 6. Yeah. So we've got the watch number. That's right. and i track back and i'm in there and i'm in adelaide all of a sudden i've transported back like six weeks and i'm looking at it and i'm like there's one in the there's one in the books and i'm like did we record like did did we not honor that commitment or did we so then i'm going on the podcast

here and i'm looking for adelaide and there's like a there's an episode that's released in Adelaide but it was just a family time yeah and so I was like but at first I saw there was an episode in Adelaide and I was like

oh nah it's already out fuck fuck fuck we fucked it I've got to fucking watch this and then I dig deep and I'm like no that's a family time yeah

and then so I'm 20 minutes in and I can't even tell you the amount of like adrenaline and dopamine that's coursing through my body when I'm like we've recorded this we've done this we've done this, we've done this,

and I'm messaging you, and you're very apologetic. You're saying, hey, look, I'm sorry, that's on me. And I'm saying, in terms of value for money, for me to pay $5.99 AUD... The $5.99 was never the issue. But for me to pay... I would have paid $100 not to watch. Yeah, I understand.

But the money was nothing to do with that. It was you having to watch the movie. But the value for money though, Tim, I can't, you know, like if someone came to me that morning when I thought I had to watch it and said, if you pay me $6, you don't have to watch this movie. I know that this is not how. But this is a fun game. What do you think you would have gone up to in the moment? Do you reckon? That morning to watch this movie I know that this is not how this is a fun game, what do you think you would have gone up to

in the moment, do you reckon that morning to watch that movie in that moment at my most vulnerable I think I would have paid someone $500 at my lowest I would have literally paid someone $500 I would have gone to a cash machine and withdrawn the money and given it to them to say if you if

you promised me i don't have to watch fast eight tomorrow morning man i'd take a bit of pride in the um steadfastness and the i don't know the the commitment that we have to this today even you know i had to um so i just because i've been in in sydney we've been in melbourne and stuff so there's been a lot of things on the back burner so i just got back a couple days ago and i've been playing big old catch up and intended to watch the movie last night this watch of uh it's a great time it's a great time to watch a movie furious seven i got an hour in and then the old eyelids started getting mighty heavy around midnight and i had to shut everything down including myself had to get up at um about uh

before 6 a.m today with baby with baby because that's when remy woke up and um i had to take him in to to to his carer today and uh so i was like so I'd watched an hour last night, and then this morning he fell asleep halfway, us getting down to the train station. We jump on the train to get to his carer. So he's asleep. I'm like, okay, sweet. Well, I guess fucking, you know what I've got to use this time for?

I've got to get back in. The time is now. I started watching. I'm there with a sleeping baby in a pram on a train watching Furious 7 wet because of the rain next to someone. I'm coming back. I'm watching Furious 7. I just messaged you.

I almost walked into traffic on the way back home watching Furious 7 with headphones in. A worthy death. Yeah. It's important to me, actually. I'm sorry to hear that you had headphones in. Something about watching the movie on your phone on a train with your in. A worthy death. Yeah. It's important to me, actually. I'm sorry to hear that you had headphones in. Something about watching the movie on your phone on a train with your baby.

I just feel like you should have it coming out of the phone speaker. Why is that? Where's that coming from? I just think it's more demoralizing. It is. It is. I couldn't live with the shame of that.

The phone speaker on the... Yeah. Yeah, fair on the Especially that movie Or anything Any piece of content on my phone God I can't think of anything Is this modern parenting? Or is this unique to Tim? What happened this morning?

I'd say it's pretty unique to Tim Absent of the necessity for me To get the watch completed before you were due to come to my house, I would never consider even watching any movie on the train with my sleeping baby. Sleeping bub and phone time, that's modern parenting. I guess you're right about that.

It's what you're using the phone time for. What would you rather have been doing on your phone with that little window of time? You know, I'm not cracking it just yet, but I am trying to just be bored a bit more at the moment. So ideally, I would have bloody just left the phone in the pram. Thoughts roam free. And I've got a new phone.

It's too big for me. So it actually helps with this. Really? It's not as appealing. Yeah. That's interesting. It's good because it's a lot easier to get work done, like emails and shit.

It's so much easier to do all the keyboard and you can have two things open at once and all of that palaver and I can see stuff easier. But for just any old reason, it is another barrier for me to whip it out it's interesting guy guy williams has a small phone for the same reason interesting yeah who's right i think we both are it's impossible to say anyway the screening yeah so the film guy i well i so we're up to i watched it this morning 11 and a half minutes of this episode

yeah there's no right there's no rush i watched it at home i rented it no i bought it i bought it on youtube i bought it too congratulations google you've got the boys over a barrel this time for 15.99 or whatever what bought i bought it too what it cost you six bucks high def no you rented it You try to watch that movie 48 hours from now I'm telling you, brother I'll sort this out later No, I would have a look

I was so sure I had bought it No, they charge $15, $16 to buy it I went through the Google app rather than YouTube itself Do you think that makes a difference? It might I bought it straight from YouTube I'm going to go shop I'm just going to look it up again as if i haven't bought it and see if it if it can tell me what

the price is oh no it says it's in my library it won't tell me hey what what this has got one percent on the tomato meter that can't it's not true no do you know fast 7h has 82 percent on the tomato or 81 is it what the fuck's going on there? See, look at this. I'm not going crazy, right? On the Google app, on Google TV, it says 1%,

but then I click in, it's 82. They've done them dirty there because the tomato is red, so you know it's fresh. Maybe they didn't have the space for the eight. Look.

I would drop the one if I ran out of room. And then we'd just say 8%. That's true. Still not high. Look, this is all by the by. I watched it but um i've

actually got a gift for you today oh my god i've got a gift for you too do you yeah i keep forgetting to give it to you and then now i'm trying to remember where it is oh i know where it is the last gift you gave me was a becky oh yeah that's true which was um a 2000 sydney olympics uh paralympic athlete that uh the good folks at Mattel Didn't want Barbie in the Paralympics Barbie can ride horses Barbie can be anything except a Paralympian And really beautiful

Did we talk about this on the pod? I was in a second hand store In Melbourne Looking for presents, actually for my wife and child I'm so happy To be in the bracket and uh well i saw it i was just like i have to buy it for guy it's a present for guy that's a present for guy so yeah i there's something about the confluence of like it was it was the paralympics

and it was sydney's paralympics in 2000 but i don't know it was just very guy montgomery i gotta say you nailed it i I love it so much. It's like a perfect. It's a weirdly perfect gift. But obviously it's in its box still and it's quite big. Nightmare to travel. Yeah, I couldn't put it in the suitcase. So I traveled home with a loose Becky.

Did you get another crumpler bag? No, this is the old bag. Is it? This is the bag I bought. I have a small yellow one i bought years ago and then this one i bought last year oh okay i was in melbourne halfway through the festival i always buy myself a nice gift this year i bought some shoes what shoes did you i bought kahoo it's a finnish uh running shoe it's an old an old company but it's a collaboration it's actually a re-release of an old um hiking boot they're waterproof and what i love is when there's some walks guy well the

options there what i like is when fashion and function intersect i like the current trend of like you know urban mountaineering basically where everyone's wearing like really functional clothes yeah i'm like this makes a lot of sense to me yeah it is it is kind of nice it makes sense when like fashion in winter is waterproof i thought it was a bit of a tech growth that was rufus by the way he's in here everyone is the but he's heard something the boss and maybe he's saying hey you guys need to talk about no no the oh yeah the present the podcast, no. Oh, yeah, the present. The podcast can be about whatever comes up on the day. So this is what I got you.

I bought it in Auckland. He's opening the bag, everybody. He's opening the fresh-looking crumpler bag. We've got a Lego bag. Just put my coffee down and it is oh no fucking way oh my god guy has bought me the lego version of dom toredo's dodge charger that is absolutely incredible you know fast 10s coming out when lego are launching the i mean that must have been around for a while but they felt like there was a bit of an emphasis on these things at the guy thank you so much that's so sweet do you know what my favorite detail this

feels like limited to that do you know what my favorite detail about that is if you flip it and look at the back you'll see that they've got a Dominic Toretto driver. You are right about that. And when a Lego character is bald, they don't round the top of the head or give a bald hair piece to put on it. They just leave it naked. So it looks sort of incomplete. Yeah, you're right. But I love it. So the way that they've made this Dom Toretto is just insane attention to the eyebrows.

Yeah. That is how they're communicating. And it's also, he's like Lego singlet. So the blocky middle torso is a different color and then his arms are the yellow. What I would have loved is if, instead of having the traditional sort of C-shape open Lego hand, if they'd closed it.

So if they'd clenched the Lego hand. Oh God, that'd be so funny. I think that's an us thing. It would be a nice detail. Thank you so much. open Lego hand if they'd closed it. So if they'd clenched the Lego hand. Oh, God, that would be so funny. I think that's an us thing, noticing that. It would be a nice detail. Thank you so much. I'll get your present that I meant to give you ages ago. This is a celebration.

I mean, this is a lovely episode. That's what it is. It's a catch-up. It's a reflection on times that have passed. Oh, my God. Artie. Is it Artie Lang? Yeah I think that sounds right That is also a comedian's name I think

Oh yeah true It's Marge's Sort of old lover From the Simpsons I can't actually remember who did the voice I have a feeling it was John Lovitz Yeah I think it was Lovitz He pops up a few times.

He's a few different guys. Anyway. Yeah, it is. Yeah, because these, what does he say? You'll have to forgive these creeping fingers. Wandering hands or something. Wandering hands, something like that. Yeah.

Lovitz from where to go. Yeah, so I found that in Littleton. And again, when you turn back and you're walking around, sometimes you see something and you go, well, I've got to buy that for Guy. Well, I love that. I mean, I've got a home for this guy. I've got a...

Your little Simpsons shrine. I mean, Chels likes the Simpsons, but I love the Simpsons. You know, it's funny, isn't it, when you share a home and how much Simpsons is allowed. Furious 7 is a movie we watched. I've got obviously the simpsons lego house and also for my birthday last year chelsea's got me you remember bart simpson's guide to life the dream bedroom he had a dream like him and lisa both have a double page spread with a dream bedroom yeah i bought the i i for myself and a friend i got like a you know a, you know, a small printout,

like a poster printout of it. Yeah. And then for my birthday, Chelsea got it framed. And then I, you know, I was like, well,

this is obviously got to go prior to place. I think, you know, anyway, there's a, there's a, there's a bit of stuff going around there and that's okay. I actually bought the Lego quickie mart.

Um, and I built it with friend of the podcast, Carlo Richie. And that thing's huge. It's big. Yeah. How many pieces is this? Like, couldn thing's huge. It's big, yeah. How many pieces is this?

Couldn't tell you. A thousand. It's proper big. It was not cheap. Yeah, I wasn't going to bring that up. It's like a collector's one, limited Lego. But you popped that open and made it. Yeah, I love Lego.

It's something Lego's done really well,, the collaborations with various different intellectual properties. Speaking of one, Fast and Furious. Yeah. I also didn't mug this for the camera, so let me just get a shot for our video. I won't remember to punch in, but if I do, it would be pretty cool. It's so sick. Thank you so much.

Hey, no, it's my pleasure. So the movie guy We There we go 20 minute mark Not having spoken About the movie we watched And the point of us Doing this episode

How's your How's your show How's your show going Furious 7 Because you did A few nights in Sydney I watched it I can't

How have you got that t-shirt Did you buy one for yourself No my Years after I bought it for you My sister Bought me that t-shirt? Did you buy one for yourself? No, years after I bought it for you My sister bought me this t-shirt as a birthday present Really? Yeah Wow, I just noticed that now

Guy bought me, speaking of Simpsons merch Yeah, that's right What does he say? Fishbowl Is that what Bart calls him? Yeah I can't remember the name But it's the Japanese corporation That is the conglomerate of the electric company

and I think a fishing corporation. Yeah, and Homer becomes the mascot. Yeah. Mr. Sparkle. Yes, Mr. Sparkle. Guy's got the T-shirt and it rules, and he bought it for me years ago because I loved it. You wore it on a New Zealand gala, actually.

Yeah, that's true. It was a great set, too. Thanks. You came out and you said, well, I'm a straight white man and I got some opinions. Yeah. that's true. It was a great set, too. Thanks. You came out and you said, well, I'm a straight white man and I got some opinions. Yeah. That was funny.

And then you were funny. Thanks, man. You got a, I mean, you're doing the gala in two nights here. Yeah, I am. I completely changed my set from what I sent them.

Really? I had to get it. Did you tell them? Yeah, I did. What did they say? They said, we've got to check this with legal, which is always a good sign that you're onto something.

Because of something you say? Yeah. It's about Alec Baldwin. Ah. So we're going to make sure the TV station checks with their lawyers that they can hear this. That'll be a standout moment. That's great.

We'll see. It's one way to get their attention, though, isn't it? Well, this is that that so here's the journey of what's happened here went to sydney got programmed on a bunch of galas there which was fantastic i didn't really know what they were i was just like okay it's a lineup show so i was getting off the plane i had to get out of the airport and get a cab to go to the first one like fresh off. It was pretty late.

I was, you know, I'd been in the air for four hours or whatever. So you're from the airport to the gala. From the airport. I got a race to the gala. I've got to go, baby. Yeah. So I got in an Uber and I'm like, okay, so what are we dealing with here? Sort of 150, 200 seat?

Nah, man. Sold out 700 seat venue. Yeah. Proper. The gala, I mean, for those of you listening who might not know these comedic terms, a gala, that's traditionally, that's a big show. It's a big one. Four minutes, five minutes?

But there was several of them, so I didn't know how big it was going to be. So five minutes, which is hard. I find five minute sets very hard, but it's a very good thing to, you know, it sharpens your shit up. So I was like, five minutes every you know they're getting like 10 or 12 really funny people doing five minute sets five of the best to to separate yourself out or just to even stay at the keep that ball in the air with everyone else you gotta come out the fucking gate yeah yeah you gotta know you to know who you are. So I started, yeah, I did all the galas opening

with this joke about Alec Baldwin. And it was a pretty big risk, but it went well. And so now I'm going to do the same on the TV one. Well, it's, you know, you've got that first minute to get everyone to sit up straight and say, I'm tuning in for this one. Yeah, exactly. Because those big shows especially, they can go for long and they can

become a bit of a TV experience, even live in the room where you sort of... And there is something about being a straight white cis male who's in his mid-thirties where it's like, fuck, alright mate. You gotta be funny. They don't care about, I don't know if they want to hear a lot about my life story, you know

what I'm saying? You don't need to tell them... You're grabbed by the short and curlies. You don't care about, I don't know if they want to hear a lot about my life story. You know what I'm saying? You don't need to tell them. You're grabbed by the short and curlies. You don't need to tell them your life story. I wish I had a joke about Dominic Toretto. Dominic Toretto. Do you want to do the Alec Baldwin joke now? Nah, you can see it.

It'll be online soon. Fair enough. It'll be online soon. Can I tell you the joke I'm going to do? Go on. It's just part of the joke. You're doing a great job of not talking about Dominic Toretto, by the way. Hey, man, I'm just talking about whatever comes up.

I say I talk about being a stepdad, which I've never really done properly. I feel it's quite nice, actually. I never really talk about my life and my comedy. Usually I just talk about things. They're just jokes. But this year the back third of the show is kind of getting into it. But I sort of, as I say, I'm a stepdad.

Rufus wants to come on. I've got a little line about that, a little joke about that or whatever. And I say, I talk about how much I love it. And I say, you know, the hardest part about being a step-parent is probably finding a family to break up. That's so good. No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. If you find the right family, they will have done it themselves.

I see you do that in your show. It's fucking funny. People love that. And I will say this before we get on to the movie it has been so gratifying seeing you tear shit up this year man oh it's fucking uh very deserved but god damn you have you have just absolutely torn australia a new one sold out shows ladies and gentlemen bloody he's doing his spelling bees, adding spelling bees. They're so fucking popular, filling out the Melbourne Town Hall. It was a real sight to behold.

It was a huge. You had the greatest city on earth, Melbourne, Australia. Greatest city on earth? In the palm of your hand. I don't mind that. It's my fave. I gotta say, I think it's fantastic. Sorry to all the other cities, but Melbourne's fucking hard to beat, man.

I mean, is this episode brought to you by Tourism Melbourne? Yeah, it should. The teamwork should be. It's not not brought to you by that. I think it's an amazing city. I mean, also, we have to remember, that month we spend there. Don't fuck with that. That's the battery.

If that comes disconnected, we lose the recording. I was stopping Rufus. Oh, thanks, brother. Rufus is here, everybody. It's that month that we spend. That's not necessarily representative of Melbourne year-round. It's a very vibrant month. It's true.

But it is a cultural hub. What do you like? Do you like sports? They've got a big sports precinct. They've got a huge... I don't give a shit about sports. They've got sports. What do you like?

You like big stage shows? You like musicals? They've got them year-round. Do you like comedy? You like the stage shows? You like musicals? They've got them year round. Do you like comedy? You like the Grand Prix? You like art? Do you like food, Tim? Yeah, I love food.

Do you like the beach? Yeah. Love a beach. I messaged you that today. How good is the beach? Oh, yeah. You want to know what triggered that? Me watching Furious 7.

I thought, when's it like... Do you go to a beach in Sydney? Sydney's got fantastic beaches. I, in some ways, went to a beach mentally this morning when the crew from Furious 7 were at the beach. And what beach trip did it make you reminisce on from your life? One where I was also thinking about how tragic it is that we've lost Paul Walker,

which is what the whole beach sequence is about. Well, I mean, you know, a huge part of... Did it get you today? Being alive is the fact that inside of a life, death does come for us all and it comes for us at different stages. I think that's part of your Alec Baldwin joke, isn't it? There's no such thing as goodbye. I think that's what Vin Diesel says.

Yeah, yeah. It's never goodbye. It's never goodbye. Did it get me? And then the song The lyrics of the song are Charlie Puth and Wiz Khalifa It's been a long time Is that Wiz Khalifa?

I've seen you my friend They're such a good tie-in Because they smashed through The Wiz Khalifa tower What are those towers called? The Wiz Khalifa towers No Did the rapper name himself

After the towers? No, the tower's after him Wow That's how good he is Yeah was called the wiz khalifa towers no did the rapper name himself after the towers no towers after him wow that's how good he is yeah that's amazing i don't know the tower i don't know that's like having a um you know a macklemore skyscraper it is in some ways but a shitty secondhand skyscraper that doesn't last very long before Macklemore released Same Love I thought homosexuality was a sin yeah same we all did

thank god he turned up just at the right time a remarkably persuasive piece of songwriting yeah everyone else can get the bin he's the one yeah it did get me and what I thought as the emotional gravitas of the moment and, you know, the montage of, I mean,

what gets you excited at the end of Fast 7 is seeing, you know, these fucking Benjamin Button motherfuckers, you know, really growing into themselves. Like, I'm so excited to see young Paul. Like, I mean, Paul's hot as he Like, I'm so excited to see young Paul. Like, I mean, Paul's hot as he is,

but like, God, those Sandy, those Sandy locks. Yeah. Like young him and young Vin smiling at each other. Ludacris has got a big Afro in one shot. I'm excited to see that. I think that's his introduction to the,

to the family. Sick. Is the sense I got. It makes me feel nostalgic for a bunch of movies i've not seen yeah for a relationship i barely understand and um it does it does uh make you feel it makes you feel something and it makes me also think about how not easily manipulated we are or like not it's not fair to frame it like that but just the the cinematic language and techniques available to elicit an emotional response from anyone what do they use flashbacks to kind of give us the sense of the long journey

that's led up to this point yeah music music works um i mean that's the big two yeah music is probably and it's also a tell on how horseshit the music in the fast franchise usually is do you this this creates an emotional resonance and a connection that transcends usually what I'm seeing on screen in these movies. But this choice of song and moment, I'm like, see, so you know, you know that you can choose songs

that drive an emotional response from your audience. You've done it once and every other time. Hobbs and Shaw, though, they did a good job. I mean, it was to elicit a sense of fun rather than like... Hobbs and Shaw, it's... Deep emotion.

They did do that. But they picked real ass songs made by, you know, charting musicians rather than just cinematic orchestral wines. Yeah. Droning.

To answer the question, it did get me. If filmmakers were allowed, do you think it frustrates any filmmakers they can't just use drugs to make you feel how they want? So in the cinema, it was like a 4D experience. This one is... We want you to have the sense of being in the club,

so we're going to put E in your Coca-Cola. That's an interesting idea that feels like um quite a high-end sort of immersive art installation almost yeah so i don't think you can do it for a full you know hollywood blockbuster the ethics are a bit iffy on it but it does feel a smaller scale intriguing way of blending, you know, the artistic experience. Especially because so many drugs, I think, get miscategorized as medically dangerous when they're not. So, like, there was actually a famous doctor. Oh, I forgot.

Oh, Nut. Professor Nut. I can't remember his first name. Are you thinking of the Nutty Professor? Yeah. And he created this substance called flubber, right? And get this. The clump family.

Get this. He was fat. But then he drank the stuff he invented. And he was skinny. And he could dance real good. Oh, my God. David Nut. I want to say his name was, Dr. David Nutt.

And he, I think in the Blair government commissioned in the UK, got him to do a report on drugs. They were like, hey, can you actually just, can we just have a broad overview and just reassess drugs, the actual medical danger of drugs. And so he sent them back a report. He was like, okay, here's the skinny guys. Alcohol is far and away

the absolute fucking worst shit we have and really should, if it's based on harm, that stuff should probably be illegal. Mushrooms is the least societally and individually harmful substance and should therefore be legalized and regulated or like a class A and basically flipped on its head

the whole order of how we've currently got things. And so they fired that man. That's right. Well, his research was wrong, wasn't it? But all that to say, if you're an artist, if you're a story maker and you want your audience to feel something,

it feels like the final frontier is just fucking injecting them with chemicals. Telling them what it is. Yeah, I mean, there's probably a counter-argument that great art should transcend. It feels like cheating, doesn't it? If it's like, well, I'm just going to drug you to make you feel this way. Yeah, that's why it's an art project because it's... What it allows you to do though,

the argument I think is that it allows you to experience a depth of experience that you don't as an artist get access to giving to your audience so it's like sure i can draw some amazing stuff or make a movie with some cool things i can give you furious seven the most action-packed cinematic experience possible but absent the ability to lace your coke and popcorn with just a little bit of speed you're not going to get what i'm trying to communicate to you at the depth of which i want you to imagine watching furious 7 while you're just doing some amphetamines man it. It's like a wine pairing with a meal. It's like on the blurb, where it's got the rating,

it should have drug pairing and it should have time codes and amounts and recommended... What do you think for Furious 7? What would go well with it? It's kind of too long for a lot of things. It's too long for uppers. I wouldn't

be against watching it with a tramadol in the system. I was thinking ketamine. Not too much, but a little bit. A tram would be good. Relax the muscles. Just let it come out. So I go into the doctor and I'll say, Doc, all of my muscles are under remarkable stress.

They're very tense. They're working very hard. Is there anything that could help these muscles unwind? There was the original set that I was going to do at the gala. What's that one? It was about Zopaclone. The best bit of international travel is lying to a GP that you're afraid of flying.

So you can get Zoppa clone Yeah When I've had Zoppa clone It's left a metallic taste in the mouth Few people say that I haven't experienced that Maybe it's like There's a biological thing that makes

Coriander or cilantro As I assume our one listener Says, tastes like dishwashing detergent. You know about that? Yeah. And it's genetic. Yeah. It cannot be defeated. It's so weird.

Same with the urine asparagus thing. You know what I did think? I actually... And you don't produce the smell if you've got the genes you only smell it if you've got the genes you only smell it if you've got is it do more people smell it or not smell asparagus weeds i think more people why i get the sense more people smell it just based on how we talk about it but it is a genetically linked thing i mean look this is possibly too much information but i actually like the smell and i don't like the smell but i

like the experience of the smell of the asparagus whey. Because I like the connective tissue it draws between what I put into my body and what comes out of it. That's the only thing. You should be able to always smell what you ate. I like, you know, and it's very away. Why is it just that one vegetable? It's remarkable. Because you can have, you know, if you're having a salad and someone's chopped up some asparagus stalks and put it in.

And say you only even take in like two heads or three stalks and you eat it. And then you have to pee from like water you drank hours ago. And it's now time to pee, you know, five minutes after you've had it. And you've only had two asparagus heads. Tiny little like, you know, an inch, two inches of asparagus. Is that all it takes? You're going to have asparagus whiz. That's crazy's crazy has this been looked into do we know what causes that there's got to be people working on this it's got to be potent potent stuff something's fucking something's really working overtime to produce this result i like that they're called spears

yeah asparagus spears every food should be, every naturally occurring food should be named after weaponry. Weaponry. Weaponry. Yeah, you're right. I like the D. Put a D in there. Why not? Why not?

Treat yourself. That word feels like it's short a hard consonant. What have we got? We've got a K. Can we get a K? Weaponry. Because does D ever go soft? K goes soft. Does D go soft? Have you got a K Can we get a K? Whippin' Cree Because does D ever go soft? K goes soft

Does D go soft? You got a soft D for me? Oh, silent? Or soft? Soft Just a soft D At the start of dread But not the end of dread

Dread The D's kind of announcing the word there Yeah, true Are you playing the word there. Yeah, Dread. You playing the trumpet again? No, I've just got it out because... Your steadfast refusal to engage with the movie reminds me of a young man named Tim Beck. It is crazy stuff.

This is a record for the podcast. Because you've got it. I mean, I thought it was great. I've got it out because the box got damaged in the flood and started growing a weird looking mold on it. I'm sorry to hear that. I've got to throw that out, but I've got to get a new box for the trumpet.

First of all, I saw it and I thought Timmy Trumpet because there's a trumpet, you know, there's that song. That's Timmy Trumpet. And I thought, fuck, that could be you. And then I thought it was a lovely little moment. You've got an old newspaper there. Do you know what that newspaper is?

It says Trumped. Yeah. Oh, yeah, true. But it's not about the Trumpet. It's about former US president. Yeah. And I thought, well, that's neat. You can say his name.

This isn't Colbert, bro. Donald J. Trump. The great. The great, powerful powerful and wise who will ride again since the writers strike this is colbert this is what people have left and i mean you know i wouldn't want to tell the other writers this especially the union ones in america but all of this is written i've got such an issue with colbert like they bet the whole fucking house on just making jokes about

Trump and then they're like oh but now we're not going to say his name fuck you dude what the fuck is that Colbert is annoying he was at his best as a as a character of course

it was insane how much better that was. I think he's a very bad interviewer. I'll say it. And I just think, I think, and you know what, as an illustrative example, I just,

I don't know. I feel like he struggles. But I think about our friend Rose Matafeo when she was promoting Starstruck season two, she got to do the US talk show circuit and she went on colbert and she'll be on seth myers and it's just night and day seth myers is an outstanding interviewer he's a very generous host he's incredible he follows the conversational flow yeah and even the one even there was an interview recently that you posted that i then watched with jenna friedman who's so funny it's such a funny interview yeah it's all jenna yeah he's he

cannot follow the flow absolutely he has to go back to the talking point i mean that was uh yeah that was him really out of his element i think i think she made it difficult for him but i just thought she was so fucking funny god damn it she's funny i've got to get that book we should see if she wants to watch um oh man i can't imagine so Although if there's any time it's now right Because she's promoting a book It's true I was on at the same time as her In Edinburgh Fringe

We were in neighbouring rooms So you didn't get to see her show No but we would talk We'd be out the back of our rooms Waiting for our turn to go on Did you get on good along well i mean i think i had a you know i was just some some guy to talk to while she was waiting to start her show sure to me i was a fan who wanted to become you know like sure sure there's a power

imbalance there yeah but the thing is i'm funny too and so i feel like that that weights it a little bit more towards you know who else is funny? Jenna Friedman. Tyrese Gibson in Furious 7. What is it with you and this movie? We've crossed the Rubicon of the 40 minute mark and you won't talk about it.

That's all we have time for. I will say this. My shining light was Kurt Russell putting on, so they get ambushed because the family catch. So they've teamed up with the authorities. Mr. Nobody plus Dom Toretto's family, including a amnesiac, if that is the adjective. We're on the back nine as well at this point in the movie.

We're on the way home. There's a dog shit line leading up to this moment where Mr. Nobody. Okay, so Dom's had to go to the Wiz Khalifa Towers to rescue God's eye or break it out, steal it effectively out of a car and does so. I wouldn't say with a plum. Usually you'd say with a plum. No plum. It was devoid of plum.

Nothing. It was acidic the way he did it. Are you saying a plum? Yeah. Absent. There's no plum. That's what I'm saying. But you know...

Yeah, yeah. Great. Perfect. Yeah. Plumless. No further questions yet. Yeah. So you know the tree that plums grow on?

It's not even in the picture, mate. Yeah. That's how bad he is at breaking it out it's funny a plumb like it's funny there's no blom there's no bl there's no blum bloom there's blah is there blum there's no blom not so far as i say plumb you say a plumb but you can't say blomb. It's nonsense. It sounds like the definition of a nonsense word. Yeah. You're right about that. So Mr. Nobody says to... We actually call him Mr. No Fruit because this guy's plumbless.

Says to Dom, he goes... He says, I'm vitamin C deficient. What was the line? I messaged it to you when he said it. He says, I've got to be honest with you. You did a great job. Don't start their sentence with, I've got to be honest with you you did a great job it's like don't start their sentences with I've got to be honest with you if it's a compliment

that's weird nah nah I've got to be honest with you Tim I'm just going to check the phraseology on that actually because wish you would I wish you would

will you? it may have been even could you? starker than that it may have made even less sense if you can believe it but it stuck out so much for me that I messaged Guy

when it was said do you know out so much for me that i messaged guy when it was said there's something to me that makes the screening more valuable more into with all due respect dom you really did great work back there it's a joke that's a joke structure but he doesn't leave a pause he just is with all due respect you did great work back there all of you did the pause the pause sells the joke the fuck what i want to say is this there's something hold on i'm in the middle of my shining light ramping into the line you didn't enjoy no it wasn't there okay should i say it or do you need to get into something no no i'll let you finish so okay so the team

so then so this is the point where uh mr nobody goes all right i'm gonna lend you my guys because you did such a good job. So everyone's teamed up and they've got to take down Jason Statham, Deckard Shaw. And so they find him and he's eating a lovely roast dinner, tucking into some veggies. Yeah, that is nice. They think they've snuck up on him

and he's just eating his food. And he puts down his fork and he looks around. He says, is this all you got? A dozen guys for me? And one of the gun guys, he's not even a fucking, not a Kurt Russell

or a Dom Toretto. He pipes up. I don't know who this fucking guy is. He's got a helmet on. He won a competition. And he says, I think we've got plenty. I think we've got all we need.

Something like that. You know, to take him down. And then, rightly ignoring this fucking dude whose name we don't know, but directing this at Dom Toretto, Deckard says, you know,

the friend of my friend is my enemy. Are you familiar with this concept? And fucking big dumb Dom Toretto says, I don't have any friends. I've got family. Yeah. And then Deckard says Well I've got a lot of friends

Suddenly the lights go out We're in a firefight There's like 30 dudes That Deckard sure has been hiding in this warehouse And the ambush gets ambushed Yeah And Kurt Russell out of nowhere Produces some fucking sunglasses

That he puts on I'm like what is this men in black bullshit Presses the button on the side. He's got night vision goggles and just starts picking dudes off with a little hand piece. Yeah, it's nice. That was my shining light.

I love it. I love, I liked that moment too. There's something else that Dom says. I think it's later on. I think I wrote it down for you as well to remember it. But he says something along the lines of, there's a lot of back and forth between us yeah there's a lot of correspondence today so i'm ready to i'm ready to meet my maker are you and i'm thinking you're so this dude is so not

ready to meet his maker like dominic it's so important to dominic trio that he stays alive yeah he doesn't even have a son yet and it's important. Anyway, it's by the by. I was going to say, it feels more intimate, more beautiful, and kind of more important to sometimes watch the movie, to know that you've had that screening, to just have it, you know, have that experience inside of your body and to kind of not share it, to not talk about it.

Wow. You think it would ruin it somehow to discuss it? It just feels a little bit more heightened. I will say this. Seems antithetical to the concept of doing a podcast where you talk about the movie you watch. I will say this. It would be nice if they made their heads slipperier.

You've got a lot of bald men. You did mention that over messaging. No one's head is represented as slippery for all i know they've got some of the grippiest heads in the in showbiz do you think this is what they've got in store for um fast x is one of the you know there's a lot of things you gotta you gotta have a new vehicle type do you know what about this has this been done imagine this is another bad guy maybe the rock shows i was a bad guy but like someone so i'm imagining vin diesel picks up the rock two fingers inside the nose the thumb inside the mouth

head first sends him down a bowling alley like a bowling ball it's fucking sick and his head's so slick yeah yeah yeah i just think his whole body's so slick that he slides down the all these What is that called? I was going to say aisle. Alley? Alley, thank you. Alley, alley. I just think, what's the point in having all these bald heads

if we don't even know if they're slippery? Yeah, it's a good question. That's what I think. So for you, it's not even that they're not slippery necessarily. It's the question. It's the not knowing. That's the problem. It's the not knowing that's the problem it's the not knowing that kills me okay my shining light was that so do you know

that paul walker is um deceased i didn't know that brother he's a he was a brown belt in jiu-jitsu i think he got an honorary black belt after he died he's a he's a stunt guy he's good he can do this he's a fight with a featured henchman sort of hand-to-hand combat they're really up against it it's in the same it's around the same scene that you were talking about and at one point they're fighting and they go on a table not on a table on a door a detached door and it starts sliding down the stairs and they're kind of trying to wrestle while the door's sliding down the stairs it looked like sliding down the stairs on a door like that like a lot of fun made me think about uh i went when i was a kid we used to slide down the stairs on a door like that Made me think about When I was a kid we used to slide down the stairs

In a sleeping bag That was fun That was a fun feeling We had a Column heater We had that at the base of the stairs Me and my siblings have talked about this often Subsequently as adults

We had it at the base of the stairs Why didn't we move that fucking metal heater out of the way? You just had to start sliding. Sometimes you've just got to start sliding. It's true. There's no doubt about that. The New Zealand International Comedy Festival is upon us, and both myself, this feels unearned,

and Tim Batt have shows in that very festival. This feels deeply unearned. Is climate change Funny Yet? He will dare to answer that question in Auckland first and then in Wellington. For details, head to timbatt.co.nz. I will also be doing my show, Is Climate Change Funny Yet? In character as Tim Batt. Head along to timbatt.co.nz for more information.

You know, what's important to remember is that we have watched the movie. I'm not forgetting that. What I'm telling you is that's my business. That's something I have that I carry around with myself. If you want to watch the movie,

if you want to form an opinion on this movie, why don't you go do your own fucking homework? I'm sick of it. And you can tune in next week to hear, because I haven't done it yet, Tim's top five cars that he'd fuck from Furious 7. Oh, wow. So it's something to look forward to. Hey, thanks for listening, everybody.

When you fuck a car, this might be, maybe I just don't know enough about cars. I'm always imagining you putting I really thought you were going to say about sex But go on I'm always imagining you putting your dick in the exhaust pipe Yeah

There's got to be other areas We got into this With Paddy If you could get your dick real flat You could have sex with the seatbelt Alright wrap it up buddy The bit that the seatbelt puts you to Both your dick real flat, you could have sex with the seatbelt. All right, wrap it up, buddy. The seatbelt puts you to... Both your dick and this conversational alley.

We're done. When you were a kid, did you ever try to swap the side... Your balls? Did you ever try to swap what side they were on? We're out, everybody. Thanks for listening. We'll see you at the comedy festival. Bye-bye.

You just can't. You just can't. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1