The Worst Idea Of All Time - 22: The Sound of Madness

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

Guy and Tim enter a new frontier of Emmanuelle – that of Emmanuelle 2000. The fellaz have chosen a difficult to source film, presented in a difficult to digest way. With a Russian audio track dubbed on top of, (though slightly out of sync with) the original English, it’s a little tricky to figure out what the cheap plastic flashing heart jewelry and minidisks are all about. We learn the reason George Lazenby is the world's greatest listener; Has a 49-year-old boner he simply cannot get rid of and there is a notable rise in oral sex.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Goodbye, Emmanuel. Emmanuel. Emmanuel. Goodbye. We just watched Emmanuel 2000, number one. Emmanuel 2000. The first Emmanuel 2000. Emmanuel. That was

What an awful experience we've just had That's right After a run of Hi everybody it's Tim and Guy This is the worst idea of all time We haven't let anyone else in yet No Instead of watching one of the seven

Dubbed and performed in English Emmanuel in space films today we watched a movie that was written in English performed in English and then in the version we just watched overdubbed in a language that we both you know with our limited knowledge guess to be Russian pretty sure it's Russian it sounded Russian to me An audio sync that was half a second after the English. Well, here's the thing. I think what someone's done is they've gotten the English audio track and the Russian audio track, mixed them down into one track,

because I looked on the file. There was no way for me to change. It was just one audio track. But they were ever so slightly out of sync so not only was all of the dialogue incomprehensible because you had russians talking over the top of the english but like every footstep sounded like it was in a crazy corridor because it was like there was a reverb it honestly felt like losing your mind for an hour and a half. Not to mention the fact that the plot was really complicated, I think.

Yeah. Further complicated by all of the dialogue involving two... All of the dialogue, like every line of dialogue felt like I was losing my mind because I was picking through like english words and then hearing people talk over them in russian guy and i were desperately we were tuned in and looking at the screen trying to like do a sort of combination lip reading thing and just just grab the english words in between the russian where we could find it and i gotta tell you guy i did not do a good job and i don't really know what the movie was about the movie seemed to revolve around uh these heart shaped pendants

that you could wear on your forehead or you could wear as a necklace they were very funny to me and i don't know why why because they were the central plot premise and they were obviously bought from a two dollar shop 100 they were the cheapest thing on camera and they defined every single part of the film it was so funny they were like they lit up so they just had a blinking led inside a heart-shaped plastic like a child's piece of jewelry something you would buy a six-year-old girl on their birthday in the 90s. Not anymore. Why not now? Well, number one, it's shit.

And number two, it's too gendered and shit. It's shit as in it's crap. It's a waste of resources. Waste of resources. Money. Worldly resources. Plastic has a hard go of it In terms of?

We just weren't to know That plastic would be so convenient We would ruin the planet By our enthusiasm for embracing the technology We did know the convenience thing We didn't know the repercussions That it would stick around It was just like

Whoever invented it Mr Plastic,. Plastic. Dr. Plastic. Dr. Plastic was like, look at this. Hey, look what I did. Food. Put it in here. Put a top on it.

Poppy in the fridge. Fridges were around at the same time as plastic. Yeah, I think fridges were around first. And now it's just like. Plastic's really new. People forget that. It's only been around since the 50s, I think. Wow.

How crazy is that? And there's already around since the 50s, I think. Wow. How crazy is that? And there's already plastic on the highest peak in the world, and they've found it in the Mariana Trench, which is the lowest oceanic part. Shout out to plastics. It's everywhere, baby. Getting it done. Really took off.

Congrats. All the places we've been, so too has plastic. We get so caught up on saying how bad plastic is, I'd just like to quickly you know recognize congratulations to plastic for being so worldly yeah it got in everywhere what's it what's like if you were to say very few materials are so well traveled is it a material yeah yeah well anyway they're wearing plastic and when they wear the plastic, they can read minds, the main application of which seems to be

they implant sexy memories into the minds of whoever they're talking to. So one of the things I realized retrospectively I loved about Emanuel in Space is all of the story is told... In English. In English. The language that we know.

In English and in real time. So all of the sexual exploits are happening to the characters in the moment they're happening. It's linear. But this went back to your sort of Sylvia Christel, George Lazenby, sex on a plane, Emmanuel. Your memento style storytelling. It's all done in flashback.

And there's this guy who is some sort of jewel thief, I believe, who is in a cage. He's in a prison cage. I guess he's in prison, but it's made to look like a cage. Yeah, it's funny that, eh? Because if you're in a box that's got metal bars that only go vertical, you're in jail. But if you've got metal bars that go vertical and horizontal,

you're not in jail anymore. You're in a cage. Yes, they're funny. That is funny. Anyway, it's ridiculous. A woman goes in and she's got the mind-reading tools and she puts one on the prisoner because she wants to read his mind. But the prisoner is a powerful mind.

And so instead, he puts it on and then starts implanting sexy anecdotes into this woman's mind. And she just cannot, for the life of her, stop coming at the very idea of what he's describing. Yeah, it's quite a weird vibe, though, because it's sort of under duress a little bit. And then the woman has friends, and they all have different times wearing the plastic jewelry. And at different times, they all hear about different people having sex. So there's one set that's a necklace, and there's two of those, and then there's one set that's a headband, like a tiara almost,

and I think there's only one of that? I thought there might have been two. Maybe there's two. Maybe they're peers. Rest assured that just behind camera on set, there would have been hundreds of these things. Oh, my God. They bought so many.

Because they could. A guy was like, how can we use this? And they're like, what do you mean? Props guy. He's like, my name's Simon, and I've worked with you on four different films. I'm going to let it slide this time, but you really should learn my name.

What have you got for us, Simon? He goes, ma'am, I intercepted a box from China that was filled with stuff. And most of it's pretty unusable for this project. But what they did have is 50 pieces of these light up heart jewelry. And I thought that we could work it into the film. And they're like, well, we're actually taking this film

in a supernatural direction, Simon. So I don't think we're going to need that. He's like, well, tell me a bit more. And they said, okay, check this out. It's a combination spy action thriller that features a heist storyline about some mini CD discs that need to be stolen, which have incredible data on them. And Simon said, this sounds incredibly complicated.

What language will it be performed in and they said initially english for that is the original uh language that the script was written in and all the performers know however we will be hiring the cheapest available russian voiceover actors yes to translate for us uh not only that simon but we are going to layer both tracks atop each other and just knock them out of sync by a couple frames so that even the sound has an echo on it. He said, okay, you lost me, but let's get back to the jewelry. They said, okay.

So what we've got in mind is bringing in some psychic powers that are bestowed upon some of the characters he said what if they were channeled through artifacts vis-a-vis these plastic hearts and um they said yeah all right simon i've always thought it's the job of the props department to just bring a box of shit and talk its way into being a central plot point in the film that's my understanding of how to retrieve things that are asked for. It's always to be bringing new ideas, bringing new junk. It's Hollyweird, baby. This is how it functions.

Should be called Hollyweird. Some of this stuff. Also, the most hard, a few things have happened between Emmanuel in Space and Emmanuel 2000. They've digitized the cameras, which are shot in a crisp 240 240 lines of vertical resolution you won't believe your eyes if listening to two sets of dialogue in two different languages perform simultaneously doesn't give you a headache squinting at the

screen to try and make out what the lines are rendering is sure to i was squinting at the screen to try and make out what the lines are rendering is sure to i was squinting at everything because i developed a furrowed brow just trying to discern what the plot was and try and pick out some english words to help me on my quest to all of these fundamental changes to the production uh they've also intensified the coitus. The coitus is back. Yeah. They're having sex with a newfound amount of vim and vigor, the likes of which we've not seen since the French 1970s versions of Emmanuel. The halcyon days of Euro Emmanuel.

Yeah. And they've hired a consultant who knows roughly how you can align a mouth to genitals or genitals to genitals. And they get it right about half the time. Yeah, which is a fucking good hit rate for this series. They've also introduced the concept of oral sex. Before anyone has sex in this movie, a blowjob and cunnilingus both must be rendered for both sexual parties. We've got eating ass. Yeah, there's a rendered for both sexual parties. We've got eating ass. Yeah, there's a little bit of ass play.

We've got all sorts of things. We've got a hot tub. What was that storyline? We did a flash to a bit. I think that was the guy again. So this is Emmanuel or one of Emmanuel's affiliates who are like sort of detectives, I think, on the trail trying to recover or protect these mini discs. We literally were trying to figure out which one was emmanuel till the bitter end of the film they went they go to talk to this sort of cool prisoner guy and he's harnessing the power of his heart

thing and he's like ah i see you've come to visit me let me tell you an anecdote and then she's like no and then he starts telling her the story about a guy who's just been married in a hotel room, getting into a hot tub, and then... He was a cool guy. He was naked, and he had a glass of champagne in the hot tub. And that's your criteria for being cool? No, he was clearly a bad guy, but he was confident and happy. And he gets in the hot tub, and then there's a maid, like a hotel maid,

is tidying up the room while he's naked in the hot tub, and he starts, they start fondling one another. He asks for a massage, I think. Ah, does he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very Epstein-esque. It's bad. And then his wife comes and goes, what's all this? And then she goes, ah, I know what this is.

Then they have a threesome. Can I ask you something? Permission denied. But, yeah, I know. Can I ask you something? Permission denied. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, I know. But with hindsight, I will now grant you permission. There's no going back. No, I'm going to ask it.

Okay. Do you think maids ever dressed like that? Or is this just a popular imagination version of what maids look like? You know the French maid outfit which we saw on display in this film? Yeah. Did anyone actually? For those of you who aren't familiar

with the work of French maids. I think everyone knows what that looks like. A little black dress with a white frilly trim. A smock. A smock. A pied smock. And it's always cut a little too short on the legs. And there's a bonnet involved?

I think... Which actually, that does make practical sense, because I guess you're dealing with a lot of food prep and food serving. You want to keep your hair out of the dishes. So that bit makes sense to me. I guess you do want a kind of a little apron thing, which they've got built in for similar reasons of food prep.

But the rest of it just seems kind of arbitrary. I mean, I guess the French are very stylish and it's arguably sort of- Why have we fetishized maids as well? It's a power thing, isn't it? I suppose it is. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of that-

Everything is about sex, guy, except sex, which is about power. I can't remember what movie that's from, but probably something with Kevin Spacey in it, I imagine. Whatever happened to that guy? Unfortunately, not prison. Yeah, he still puts out one annual... Threat?

Yeah, one annual YouTube video. YouTube threat to his accusers? Do you know a bunch of them died, man? There's like three of them died in succession. Do you know about that? No. Yeah, man. I don't think... A three of them died in succession do you know about that no yeah man i don't think a bunch of them died you hate to hear that i don't think um not that many people came forward and a bunch of them are now no longer with us um not the guy who was in rent though i'm pretty

sure he's still around thank god well you know um i'll say it i know that you love kpax but i think kevin spacey's a bad guy i don't really remember it that well but i remember enjoying it but i don't remember the film yeah would you come down on the uh can we celebrate the art after the artist has fallen guy what do you think i don't think i could watch a kevin spacey film without thinking there goes that man i was watching an interview with a comedian who i cannot remember who it was recent oh no it was someone i don't even know who they are it was an actor fuck this was about kevin spacey so there was a guy who was an actor his name's troy something and he was acting alongside kevin Spacey in a Call of Duty game

because they did intense motion capture and stuff. And he put it really well, which is that the whole, I'm paraphrasing what he said, but the idea was if you allow a free pass for the art to exist irrespective of the artist, then it can't help but create a permission structure where that behavior becomes admissible in the industry and that is just not attainable positions we're sort of undoing centuries if not millennia of that because like so many of the great great people who accomplish great things were also when they weren't working on

their creations they were being monsters yeah that's true that's hard isn't it it's a tricky one so it's like you know it's it's the the the yeah we're deregulating that as a an opera a governing system do you think we need to um like have a non-grandparented law that we go as a society we go all right from here yeah we go, okay, from here. Yeah, I don't, yeah, yeah. Now you're not allowed to fuck with people. Yeah, I mean, I don't have any solutions, Tim. I literally only come here to watch softcore pornography

and try to stay on track. I feel like- I got so bored in this movie, I just want to talk about anything else because I can't understand what the fuck was going on. Like, were they spies? Were they psychic spies? Is that-

Well, Tim, I mean, was going on like were they spies were they psychic spies is that well tim i mean obviously we acquired this russian dubbed emmanuel 2000 being emmanuel very legitimately legitimately and my interest is in when we turn to the same legitimate sources for further films rather will they be rendered in english my dog i can't even fucking find them i stayed up till after midnight last night looking because this was such a mission of a one to find you're not alone like i was trying to find information on this just so that i could ground some of this conversation in fact and here on uh popular movie review platform letterboxd the blurb don't fucking shout them out they haven't paid for this i'm gonna bleep thatep that if I remember, which I definitely won't.

The blurb is, it's the first movie from the Emanuel's 2000 movie collection. And there are two reviews. One of them is loading. Taking a long time to load. One of them says, would like to watch it again, but can't find it online. And then the other one by a user named Goremaster says being Emanuelle's from that Emanuelle TV series where she uses that mind control device.

Weak soft core. But it's like, you know, it's almost been scrubbed from the internet, this franchise. That I don't like. I don't like the fact that there's any media which is gone now. Because I thought the whole point of the internet is that everything sort of exists now. In perpetuity. Yeah.

So if I want to find something, it's out there. Why is it that personal details of individuals is like unscrubbable from the internet, yet I cannot easily access the Emmanuel 2000 series in its totality? That seems crazy to me that our priorities are fucked if that's the case yeah i can't get my name off the front page for you know some random news story what kind of news story i don't know something harmless but embarrassing the news when you you bought a... Oh, yeah, they came up for expiry today, actually. The URL.

Coalitionparty.nz or co.nz. That was a great moment. Maybe both. Tim bought a sort of New Zealand's version of a conspiratorial religious zealot, launched a political party, and at the launch announcement, Tim went to see if the url was

available and it was so he bought it from underneath him and then redirected it to a tv series that i produced with my mates chris and eli called the male gaze that's right about queer a huge amount of his platform was homophobic yeah it was like a big thing of theirs brian tamaki claimed that uh earthquakes were somehow caused by gay people, which I still can't really wrap my head around. Yeah. But there you have it. What else did you do?

You got any shining light for this film though, man? It wasn't all bad. We had some fun. There was a cowboy scene. There was a scene where a person who might or might not have been Emmanuel in something that may or may not have been a constructed memory or flashback, but it was in sort of sepia tone or black and white. Some of the movie was in sepia.

She was on a ranch, and there were two hot dudes on this dude ranch, and they were shirtless, pouring jugs of water on top of them because there's nothing hotter than that was a good through line all and she got so horned up she started uh touching herself all of the sex scenes involved people either having water poured on them or pouring water on themselves it's the new food which i'm fucking ecstatic about because the food thing to me just personally a bit yuck. But the water thing, it's like, yeah, that's all good. There were some great cheats because they've discovered fellatio, which is quite a lovely word.

Italian? I would guess so. Language of origin, please. Fellatio. It sounds Italian. Latin. But because it's still a soft core set. Use it in a sentence.

The character whose name I do not know performed Felatio on The Man with the Moustache. Felatio. F. E. L. L. L. I. C.

I. D. Guy has an incredible poker face on. He's giving me no affirmative nor negative cues in his facial. Something, something, and then it ends in an A. Absolutely not. You started strong. F-E-L-L-A-T-I-O.

Falatio. Falatio. And I think I know to spell that because there was a band called Machine Gun Falatio. Oh, yeah, I remember them. They were around in the 90s, were they not? Anyway. You should say it like this, though. Falatio. And I think I know to spell that because there was a band called Machine Gun Falatio. Oh yeah, I remember them. They were around in the 90s, were they not? Anyway. You should say it like this though. Falatio.

I'll say it how I fucking will, please. Give it a go. Try it on. Falatio. Falatio. Anyway. It was fun, isn't it? The simulation of Falatio involves some very cunningly strapped penises and placed hands.

Cunning stunts from the team on Emmanuel 2000. Absolutely. There was no shining light. It was just a confusing and infuriating experience. Some sepia-toned sex. There was one guy, the guy who's in prison, who eventually escapes. Cage man.

He seduces one of his guards, and they have sex, and he makes her cum so hard. Not unlike Ice Cube. His dick ran deep, so deep. So deep it put her ass to sleep. And then she was asleep and he left town. And then he started having sex with people and he brought the intensity of a hardcore porn actor

on a softcore set. Yes. And it was not, I don't think jarring is the right word but it was notable it was like everyone else sort of was playing the same game and he he was quite the juxtaposition he was the energy he was bringing to a context that did not readily accommodate it and it's that even that was not a shining light i mean the comedy of the watching experience with hindsight probably more hindsight than immediately afterwards is funny it is funny to me that we watched an american-made 2000 porno overdubbed in russian that's just a fucking it would honestly

have been easier to follow if it was just that, though, what you described. Were it not for the English original audio still being left on. It would have been easier to follow and transpose our own story if we just watched it muted. Because you wouldn't be coming up against the sounds. Do you know what I would have put on there for a soundtrack? Because I've been jamming to it a lot recently. Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. Cowboy Bebop is being

adapted right now in this very country. Taika was going to do it. Is he still doing it? Nah, he's not doing it. That sucks. Oh wait, was he? Maybe I'm thinking of Akira, actually. I think he was supposed to do a live action version of that with Zac Efron. Thank God

it never got made. You got beef with Zac? I haven't got beef with him, per se. What does that mean? I don't know, man. I don't know. He seems troubled, to be honest. I never watched that travel series,

but I felt like he had a real moment in the sun there where everyone was starting to get behind Zac Efron. Well, as I mentioned to you before, when we saw each other before the movie today, I watched a video essay. I'm not sure if this is kosher on the podcast, but fuck, I don't want to talk about Emmanuel 2000. What was this one called again?

What was the subheading? The beginning? Being Emmanuel. Being Emmanuel. I watched a video essay Shout out to Where in Hell Find the YouTube channel Where in Hell From a guy who apparently used to stand up comedy

With in Toronto Which I just did a crazy coincidence What's his name? Sam Feldman Shout out to Sam because it was a good vid He did a video essay about Zac Efron's Netflix travel series it was fucking funny because he's teamed up with a guy who's a like a superfood nutritionist zacky frond has yeah yeah

um who's just a fucking idiot but he just got he got there was a big meme i remember where everyone was like we love you zacky frond because he was eating pasta and crying yeah yeah it was about carbs that's in this show. He's eating carbs. He's like, I haven't been able to. He's like, I love carbs. I haven't been able to eat carbs for so long. It's fucking sad, dude. And what does.

As your boy Sam points out, it's like this is clearly a man who has not been in control of his own schedule, life or body since he was about 14 years old. Absolutely. He got so muscly. He got so muscly. He got so muscly, man. We should watch Baywatch. I've never seen that. But it'd be an interesting film, I think. I'd love to watch Baywatch.

Hot bodies in a hot beach. Speaking of a hot body in a hot beach, Tim, it's time. Hello, I'm George Lazenby. Ah, I was expecting the boner inspector, but I guess... Come on in, Mr Lazenby. Sorry, who?

No, I... The boner inspector? Yeah. Well, I hope they don't come past here because I've got... I don't have a license to drive this thing. Have you got a big old erect penis right now, George? Constantly.

Far out. You should see a doctor about that, apparently. It is agony. They say it on all the pills. They say, if your boner persists for longer than a bit, you should go to a doc. I'm not on pills. I'm just in a constant state of arousal. That sounds really worrying, actually.

When did that start? Hmm. 1972. That sounds really worrying actually When did that start? Hmm 1972 You've just been walking around At full mast Since 1972 More or less That's how I got here

Trying to do some quick math on this I use it like a sail Where the wind blows me That's where I go That's like That's like 59 years You've been walking around with an erection. Correct. Fuck, man.

I mean, does it bring you- 49. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that must be right. Does it bring you- Looking forward to bringing up the half century next year. Yeah, I'll bet. Are you going to have some sort of ceremony for it?

Well, it's one of these weird things where you kind of get married to it, you know? Yeah, yeah. On the one hand, it would be nice to... If it went away. Yeah, but on the other hand, I'm like, well, what's another year? Yeah, totally. Especially with... It's a bicentennial, right?

Is that right? Yeah, yeah. I think bicentennial is one of those words where it can mean both twice in a century and once every two centuries. Well, it's funny you should mention Bicentennial because isn't that the Robin Williams movie? It is, Bicentennial Man. Yeah, so on the 50th anniversary of my erection,

I'm going to try and empty myself to Bicentennial Man. Well, I think that that is a wholly inappropriate way to celebrate the life and career of the late, great Robin Williams, but that's not for me to judge i'm not celebrating robin williams i'm celebrating my erection oh yeah fair enough you're just trying to tie it all together thematically well yes that's pretty cool um so what are you thinking like firework show that's probably a given that's what you do at a for my anniversary yes yes oh i know what i'm doing i'm here to ask you What you're doing I want to know What the like

Will this be a public display Or is this more of a Like intimate event For you In your erection Well I've got Bicentennial Man On Blu-ray

That's very good Crispy 4K 5.1 surround Crispy 4K And Well I was thinking about Just putting it up On the

The 80 inch Flat screen I have. That's great. You've got a big old TV now, huh? Big old TV, yeah. Have you got one of those OLEDs? Do you know? Do you know much about TVs, George?

Everything. Yeah. Is it an OLED display? Yeah, yeah. That's fantastic. The good thing about those is the blacks are truly black because they just turn the pixel off. Yeah, you don't need to tell me. Yeah.

Good for you, man. And you've got a decent sound system there at the house? No, no. That's crazy to me. People get the big TVs and they don't spend on the speakers. What do you got there? Like a little computer speaker set up or something? I just play the audio through my phone.

I don't even know how you do that. That's crazy. I don't know how to change the settings. Yeah, that's fair enough. You're pretty advanced in your years. Shockingly still alive, though, I found out recently when I perused your Wikipedia. I found that rather alarming. Yeah, well, you know.

Especially with your medical condition. It gives me a real zest for life. Yeah. This is a reaction of yours. Tell me, does it create sort of embarrassing scenarios in everyday life when you're walking around? Do you have clothes that have to accommodate this full erection? Well, you know, you can often hide an erection by tucking it into your waistband. Is that something you've done?

Absolutely. That's why I'm always wearing a shirt and tie. It's tucked all the way up to beneath the Windsor knot I wear on my tie. This is an incredibly personal question And I apologise for any offense before I ask it But exactly how big is your dick, George Lazenby? As long as my torso Far out, dude

Yeah That's crazy When I talk, actually, my Adam's apple moves And it tickles the very top Wowee And would you describe yourself as a grower, not a shower? So like it's normal size. I don't remember what I was like before.

Fair enough. 49 years. It's a long time. Yeah. It's a long dick. Yeah, it is. Do you get a lot of use out of it, involving other people these days? Well, not really.

People don't find me so appealing anymore. That's crazy, man. You're still a good-looking guy. Hey, thank you. You're a model for crying out loud. Those looks don't fully go away. I think it's sort of a perpetual frustration, and people find it demoralizing that at the end of the coitus,

I don't go down. Ah. I understand. It's like the unconquerable, you know. Mountain? What are they called? Brumbies. Those wild horses.

Oh, yeah. You can't. Yeah, you can't. You can't break your dick. You can't break my dick in. Right. It's, um. I'm sorry.

It sounds kind of awful. Well, it's not perfect, but, you know, it's my life. Yeah, good on you. I sort of just roam around wherever the breeze does take me, asking people if they've got an idea for a porno. George. And maybe one of them will be good enough to make me empty myself once and for all, and I can walk free.

I'll bet that's why you've managed. You know an interesting thing about my penis? Yeah. Twice as long when flaccid as it is erect. Now that is a medical marvel. I don't even fully understand that. But it's the good attitude that keeps you walking around, I think. Keeps you healthy.

Keeps you kicking. Yeah. You've got a very philosophical outlook toward life. Well, you have to with these things. Yeah. So look, I believe your niche is hearing pictures for pornos assessing those pictures that's what i like when i hear one good enough i'll make it and then i'll watch it and then i could be freed is everything unlike proportion Do you have massive testicles?

No, they're regular. That's so... Okay. So when you cum, it's a pretty normal load, but it's just shot out of a huge cannon. I can't remember, but yeah, yeah. Oh, so it doesn't happen that frequently. Well, this is why I'm perpetually erect. Right.

Haven't cum in years. Okay. Because I imagine there'd be like some hydration implications you know if it was proportionate to the size if you've got a normal body that i see before me of a six foot one australian man and then you have a a lot like a penis that stretches the entire length of your torso. I'm going to estimate that penis alone must be like three feet. If you've got a load proportionate to that penis, like scaling up, that is a lot of water leaving your body, if nothing else. Yeah, I mean, it's just a lot of gum.

It is. It sure is. Anyway, sorry, I got sidetracked. So, a porno for you, Mr. George Lazenby, with your big old untameable hog. Picture this. An architect. He's bespeckled, and he's in his late 40s.

He's got a little salt and pepper on the face. Okay. And he's Spanish. Nice. The story is set in the south of France, and our architect, whose name is Arthur. Traditional Spanish name. Arthur, traditional Spanish name, he's taking a little holiday in the south of France at a villa. The villa sits on a small but well-known vineyard called Villa de Milo.

Milo and on Villa de Milo he's gone to try and repair his his sort of soul put his pieces back together because he's had a marriage that's broken up very recently the marriage was basically his whole life long like 30 years he was in this marriage they got married when he was 19 they've had three children together, which they've brought up and are now adult children. But we don't, this is background, this is sort of alluded to later in the film, but we don't get it immediately.

So he's in the south of France in this villa and there's a younger man there who sort of tends to the house. So it's a kind of an Airbnb situation, but there's a guy who makes sure that everything's done right. A live-in sort of fixer. You've got it.

Yeah. Exactly. Because it's not a small house, you know. And you want to make sure, because it's pretty expensive, you want to make sure everything's looking good, the sheets are cleaned, regular dusting, etc. So this guy, his name is Pierre,'s he's in his mid-30s uh and i don't want to sort of like go on and on but long story short arthur starts a sexual relationship with pierre and this is the first man that he's ever been uh physically intimate with and so it's sort of a kind of a coming-of-age tale in a way in that he has shed his former life to his wife, who's a woman,

and recognized that there might be some more there beyond his perceived, up until this point, heterosexuality. And beautiful setting, there's a lot of golden light, a lot of beautiful wine, which serves as a sort of social lubricant to get them into these situations. It sounds a bit like Call Me By Your Name. I haven't seen it, honestly.

I haven't seen it. Well, it's in a beautiful sort of European summer setting and there's a sexual awakening. Oh, fuck. I mean, no, it's all good. Is it too similar, do you think? Well, it depends. You know what they say, good artists borrow, great artists rip off the mood.

And call me by your name, Timothy Chalamet fucks a peach. Now, that's crazy to me, because how old was that kid in the film? Old enough to fuck a peach. How old's that? I don't know 17 yeah ish well there won't be any peach fucking in this but there will be some ass play with grapes i like it oh okay okay i'm into it yeah green lit yeah some grapes look like Hemorrhoids Yeah, that's true I do live in fear of that

But no, I like We're going to pick the green seedless variety for that So there's no confusion with the dark purple one That looks like a vein Well, yeah, I mean Look, it sounds more artsy than hardcore But I can fuck with that It's a combo of both, man

We're wanting to take the audience on a journey And we're going to take them to a place that they didn't know more artsy than hardcore, but I can fuck with that. It's a combo of both, man. We're wanting to take the audience on a journey, and we're going to take them to a place that they didn't know that they were ready for, but actually they are, but that is the artistry. Okay. And us warming them up to get to some full, penetrative anal sex between these two men. Well. A lot of close-ups,

a lot of long takes. Pleasure to see you as always, Tim. Great to see you, George. There's a warm wind blowing this boner right out the door. Well, I'll see you at the Bicentennial, if not sooner. Yeah, if you want to come around for the... I just think we should make it a bit more of a public affair. Not the you masturbating, but just, you know, a celebration.

Well, the main thing about it is me masturbating. You can do that after, you know. Have a bit of a fireworks display or something you try walking around with a boner for 50 years and then have someone telling you how to how to celebrate it yeah fair enough anyway i'll see myself out we'll both leave okay there you go i guess that just leaves me No boners today Do you want to even Inspect them?

Yeah Did you I mean was there anything erotic That you saw in this porn In this pornography It featured some of the least sexy That most un-sexy sex scenes I've ever seen.

There was a mind control scene which I... There was a scene when the guy, the jewel thief who was in the cage, was using his mind control on one of the women. She was poolside with two of her friends and he started making her have some sort of intense sexual flashback. Oh, was that when her friends were fanning her? Yeah, and her friends were trying to cool her off,

and she was sort of enthralled to this erotic memory and was coming next to the pool. And there was something conceptually about that that I was like, this is kind of interesting. This is hot. This is hot, but nothing in the ballpark maybe you know i might have uh broken one perforation on two stamps that were interconnected i still don't fully understand the stamp thing so was it like a ring of stamps i think so okay um for me thanks for asking no boner unfortunately today but there

was some like undeniably very sexy women there's some beautiful beautiful people full-on naked and this was this probably featured the most hardcore sex scenes i would say that we've seen yeah i think an exciting new frontier i wonder what will happen to porn between the year 2000 and more 2000 but here's the tricky thing. I legitimately don't know how to find these other films. So we might have stepped into a fucking dungeon here. So if you can be of assistance, get in touch with us. We're online.

You can find us. Worstideaofalltime.com We're on Twitter. T-W-I-O-A-T Twioat. Pod. We're at Twioatpod. Yeah. My email address is floating around out there. Yeah. T-W-I-O-A-T Twioat Pod We're at Twioat Pod Yeah

My email address is floating around out there Yeah There's some other ones So yeah What are we going to do if we can't find the other films man? Do we just press on? I've found like two There's two more of these

And I think there's maybe six I think there's seven Okay I guess time will tell but thanks for listening and uh thanks for um out of five

being Emmanuel from the Emmanuel 2000 series featuring a Russian one okay and it doesn't deserve it one not for what I saw but for

the long standing memory of watching a movie just so aggressively overdubbed. Okay. I don't know if that should come into the review, though. That wasn't on them. No, it wasn't. That's not how they made it. Or maybe it was.

Yeah, true. I'm going to give it two out of five. I'm extending it some benefit of the doubt. The Russian confusion actually helped, I think, boost it up to a two. Otherwise, it would be a 1.5 because it's allowed me to fill in some of the blanks. And I've projected potentially a more positive version of the film than what was there. I think it seemed like a really big, dumb storyline that we probably would have had quite a lot of fun following.

Exactly. It was like the whole thing was driven by mini discs and heart pendants. I love that. And we didn't get to know about it. Yeah, that is a real crime. The real crime wasn't the jewel thief. It was us being robbed of that gorgeous storyline. I will say this, Cageman, good actor.

I thought he brought a lot of intensity. Well, if you're listening, Cageman, well done. If you're in Auckland, get ready, because they're not on sale yet. Oh, wait, can I mention this? I don't think I can. Actually, I'm not allowed to. There's something coming up.

You can probably put the pieces together, but it's coming later in the year to auckland new zealand auckland new zealand so let that be a tease yeah and we will see you in the next exciting episode and if you're in another country do what you can to get to auckland new zealand for reasons i'll tell you what i'll tell you what actually what we can talk what we can mention is that we did the live stream. It went great. I had an intention to hit record on the cameras that I was filming on. In fact, I set everything up so that I could record it in a really high quality so we could sell that version after the fact. I fucked up.

I didn't hit record on the cameras. I was too shit on the day. But we've got like a streamed version. So we're just going to put that out for free. So everyone can watch that. There'll be a link at worstideaofalltime.com and you should enjoy that. Guy and I wrote a pilot for the new season of Sex and the City

and we did a table read with our very funny friends. And they were exceptional they were fantastic so thanks to everyone who watched it live in the room with us and

Madeline Sami Rhys Mathewson Alice Sneddon our star players we're having trouble wrapping this one up so I'm just going to do it see ya See ya.