The Worst Idea Of All Time - 25: Director's Commentary

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

Honestly, not the boiz' best work. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We just have a good rhythm together, you know, he sort of feels me out, I feel him out, and we go for it. Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome along to this Director's Commentary Watch, is that what we call it, a lesson? A follow along for Six in the City and the movie, the movie. That's right, a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much for joining us. I, of course, am Guy Montgomery, joined by my esteemed friend, Tim Batt. And I'm going to be very esteemed soon

because I am going to consume a lovely bottle of red wine for this watch. Feels appropriate, feels good. Well, it does. It certainly feels akin to what we were doing on set. lovely bottle of red wine for this watch feels appropriate feels good well it does it certainly uh feels akin to what we were doing on set uh what am i drinking thanks for asking it is a chilean pinot noir from macaraca look truth be told tim that's actually that's actually not what you're drinking the first thing you're drinking is a pinot Noir from Gunner State here in New Zealand. No way. I believe a 2018, a very good vintage.

Cheers. Here's to the two of us and our fabulous film, Sex and the City. A triumph. When's the last time you watched this? For me, super recently. Yeah, same. I feel like I've never stopped watching it, really. I'm so proud of this movie.

In a lot of ways, that's true. So, little known fact about Sex and the City. The fifth character in these movies, or in the show, is Woody Allen. The sixth, New York City. Yes. What's the seventh? There's no seventh character Fashion

Yeah, yeah, fashion does play a... Eight Horoscopes The ninth gal Yellow cabs Gal number ten Rounding it off Gay men

Who we can put in the film to great comedic effect Little toys for us to play with little barbie dolls how are you tim are you excited to be watching this with me no you're excited to be talking about it no you're excited to engage with it create sort of fanciful notions about experiences on set oh absolutely when you phrase it like that yes i'm so excited to be here truly i am uh there's there's nowhere i'd rather be than just plucked up in front of this movie which uh can't stress enough we've seen quite recently both of us separately it's all right so of course what we have here is a little bit of exposition

we want to bring everyone up to speed as quickly as possible um a lot of people what's been happening with you man a lot of people said you know the movie comes out it's such a reasonable clip why don't you keep it going at that same pace uh to which we said fuck you yeah we pretty much said fuck you what's been going on with you since we made this film uh what did we make this in 2008 so i was a i was a young boy of 20 um which is crazy that they handed us the reins to such a popular franchise at the ripe old age of 20 with no experience writing or directing feature films but you know that's the swings that you can afford to take when you're hbo home box office it's not tv it's a movie uh and since then i I think I've really grown into myself, actually.

And I think you see a lot of my blind spots or experiences I've learned from played out in this film. That little moment there, Tim, where Big winks at Carrie like that, that was from the very first episode of Sex and the City. Something I didn't know. I didn't know that Big was introduced into the Sex and the city universe in the very first episode of the tv show he looked so young and all these flashbacks is full head of jet black hair he is uh smooth skin generally regarded as incredibly handsome you seem uh incredulous no incredulous but uh he sort of is hot to me in a in like a pretty ordinary way like i don't specifically think he's super good looking he's not to my taste he's the thing about

mr big he can give a fuck what you think that's what makes him so damn delicious but you know i mean what sort of what sort of men do you god that and the fact that he loves to feast on human noses. Yeah. That's the other very alluring fact about Big Guy Montgomery. He loves potatoes and human noses. What sort of men do you find attractive? I like men who like noses. So you do find Mr. Big attractive?

Love him. For that simple fact. I remember when I was still a virgin, at the end of seventh form, I tried masturbating to gay porn because I thought that was the problem. Give it a whirl. Devastated to find out I wasn't gay. Oh, were you gutted? Well, it just meant I was doing poorly with the ladies.

Not gay yet. Still. Who knows what's in store for you there, you know? That's true. Sexuality is a spectrum. We're on level 33 uh and this this is one of the notes that i managed to sneak it i've snuck a lot of notes into the scripting which i'll explain as we manage to go forward they managed to unpack a lot of stuff i put in but i wanted 33 to be in there because it has a lot of symbolism in the satanic community. I didn't know that.

The number 33 because it's half of 66. Just three is an incredibly powerful number in numerology and necromancy and the occult. Why three? It's just used in a lot of symbology, a lot of triangles. It's a very strong number. Used in a lot of conjuring. I was like, hey, can we get them to go to uh level 30 would that be okay 33 and they they fucking left it in who's they in this is they me

script supervisors who look at who look over it after and actually that in this production that did happen to be the case i was was trying to sneak bases past Guy Montgomery, and now we're back together analyzing how we did. Yeah. It was my decision to leave that mirror in the corner of the room. It wasn't supposed to be there. Yeah. Chris Noth famously has never looked in a mirror before,

and I was hoping to catch him out on screen. Not for the film, but just to put it in the blooper reel, send it into America's Funniest Home Videos. Yeah. You've not lived until you've seen a man north of 50 catch his reflection for the film, but just to put it in the blooper reel, send it into America's Funniest Home Videos. You've not lived until you've seen a man north of 50 catch his reflection for the first time. He'd seen photos of himself. Yeah. Did he understand it was him, the photos?

Yeah, he understands that. But there's still. He's never seen himself on camera. He's never seen himself in a mirror. He's never seen himself in motion. That's got to mess with a man's mind when you see that for the first time. Did you manage to get him? No. That makes me sad. That's right. You'll remember I did set up one day's shoot where I said we were going to be shooting in a hall of mirrors.

But Chris didn't make it. Sergius Kapanga did make it to set that day. She was catatonic with rage. I filmed her for seven hours in a hall of mirrors. The secret was I hadn't actually put a false door in there, so it was just a hallway full of mirrors. How did you get her? Was this sort of a trapdoor scenario?

How did I get her in there? Yeah. I'm so glad you asked. There's a bit of a trapdoor scenario. Very good very good yeah we love trap doors in the film industry uh a couple of things you need to know about hollywood number one it is basically an industry forged on top of a long standing battle between the illuminati and the freemasons and secondly um bloody love a trap door we love him that's right the Illuminati and the Freemasons both wanted to communicate their message to the world without outwardly

acknowledging that that's what they were doing and uh the means by which they both chose to do this was by releasing propaganda uh once they both caught wind that the other one was doing it they sort of accelerated and advanced their efforts. Bit of an arms race. Yeah. Symbolism in the culture. I don't know that we'd say either of them won, but that is essentially, with various other notes,

what has led to Hollywood and movie making as we understand it today. I myself, of course, am a Freemason and a member of the Illuminati I am not at liberty to divulge that information what do you mean? what you just said? yeah I see it's kind of an interesting way to start a conversation isn't it?

hi I'm a spy and I'm not allowed to tell you that it's your classic double bluff I just I think I'd leave the conversation no I would I'd pursue it I'm a spy and I'm not allowed to tell you that. It's your classic double bluff. I think I'd leave the conversation. No, I'd pursue it. If I met that person at a party, I'd say, let's get to know each other a little bit more. Have you ever assumed a false identity? Have you ever lied? Constantly, yes, absolutely.

It's a fun thing to do. Just to strangers, not to people I know. It probably wouldn't work. When's the last time you did it to a stranger? Very long time ago. Eons. What'd you do? I don't know. When's the last time you did it to a stranger? Very long time ago. Eons. What'd you do? I don't know.

I can't even remember. Just make up a funny name, you know, and then fill in a backstory from there. What do you do? Volunteer firefighter by day, accountant by night. I remember one New Year's Eve when I lost all of my friends. Instead of being Guy Montgomery looking to be reunited with his friends i was a south african exchange student named vickers no i think it was francois that's good it's a fun name where were you wanaka wanaka new ze Jewel of the North. Did it go well? No. Why would it?

Beyond not having a very interesting character, I was also not very interesting. I was just some drunk 19 year old. I remember because we were set to start shooting on this the next day. On your 20th birthday. The 1st of January. Yes. 2008. Now, this woman we hired from a commercial.

She was the voiceover artist on a commercial promoting a new range of Hoovers. And we said, that is a hell of a voice. Does this person have a body? And they said, yep. They said, what do you mean? And we said, does she have a body? And they said, I'm not sure if you're allowed to ask that. And we said, I think you've misunderstood.

We literally mean, does she have corporeal form on this plane of existence? We want to put her in a movie. And they said, my mistake. Yes, of course. She can be captured by cameras. And we said, wonderful. Captured by cameras. And we say, wonderful. Captured by cameras. Is that, that's, that's...

Now this is a fashion item that I've talked to you about in the past. This necklace that Sarah Jessica Parker chose herself. The third eye. It is the third eye. This is a bit of Illuminati symbology that I snuck in again. And it's all about the concept of the overseer you know, ultimate knowledge

having control over one's own destiny and the destiny of others I didn't notice this at the time because I was working very hard on Chris Knoth's knife skills now I want to ask you a question Tim because Chris and I had a huge argument about that's a big blurt, we didn't talk for the rest of our time on production and we famously shoot chronologically so it made for a

very challenging next 60 days of work do you think resting a knife on the tip like he has and leaning it on the chopping board yeah see how his hands on the top the tip of the knife is on the bottom is good bad or neutral for the knife it's bad for the knife but it is very good for chris it makes you look cool interesting yeah there's no way to deny to to almost look like you're leaning on the point of a knife that's cool that's undeniably cool you spent a long time getting chris to this point as well i remember coming to set uh after sort of feverish rewrites through the night on a lot of coffee and some things that aren't coffee, turning up and just seeing you and Chris Knoth sparring was incredibly sharp.

You sort of started with swords and got shorter and shorter. He was very evasive about doing any knife workshops because he was afraid of the reflective surfaces. He knew I was looking to catch him out and he is very cagey around glass any sort of uh reflected metal doesn't like polished metals you had to blast them back to make them matte didn't you even marble yeah and he said i'm gonna i'm gonna do my chopping with wood and i said chris first of all that's not gonna work it's not gonna read on camera and it's also, it's just not, you can't chop with wood. And he said, oh yeah, watch me.

And I remember we had a cheese board out that day and he picked up a tree trunk and slammed it into a block of cheese. It was sort of a white Costello, a soft cheese. And the whole thing, it was quite warm, sort of just stuck itself onto the bottom of the trunk of what i said well you've wasted a perfectly good wheel of cheese there not to mention a perfectly good tree trunk yeah he did not take to that what a fucking idiot me or chris

chris yeah why couldn't he just trust that you know what you're talking about well i did a lot to undermine his confidence and trust throughout the production period so for example well i mean i remember one go if you played on him where you tied him up with zip ties yeah him overnight yeah it was fucking funny but that's why you've got to learn your lines when you turn up to see it you know yeah and it doesn't matter if you only get the script on arrival i still want you to have an idea of what your lines are going to be and if that idea does not match up to the lines that we have written you're going to get zip tied you're going to be left alone for a night it's funny this is how we build camaraderie yeah we zip tie some stars and leave them out the way the world's going now you know people get so upset when they hear these

stories they say you can't zip tie chris noth respected actor chris noth and i say yeah well i got a whole reel of fucking photographs to suggest otherwise that guy was hog tied to shit couldn't move he was furious I kept threatening

to hang a mirror over his head he said don't do that I don't want the first time I see myself to be when I'm struggling I said well you're going to learn to chop with knives then

he said okay and then that's when I got a knife out chopped up all the zip ties anyhow he was alright after that I've got to say. Maybe to you. You sort of played, not devil's advocate, you played good cop.

I was very much bad cop. I was very keen to get one photo when he was zip tied up, which was I put an apple in his mouth like a rose piggy, took a photo of me doing the peace sign next to him, and that riled him up. But apart from that, you know, we're all adults. We're all in the business of trying to improve the prestige of the Illuminati or the Freemasons, respectively.

Possibly both. And everyone wondering where the heck was SJP? Where was Kim? You know, where was Kristen? Where was Cynthia at this point? They were egging us on. I'm not going to name names, but Sarah Jessica Parker was egging us on like no one's business.

Sarah Jessica Parker had a suitcase, a Louis Vuitton suitcase filled with zip ties, and she said, if you don't get Chris, I'm going to get you. This is another piece of numerology that I snuck into the script. 75 is a very satanic friendly number. 76, a little bit more neutral. I wish you'd told me that this is what you were planning to do, sneaking all these numbers.

You know I'm happy for numbers to be in our movie anyway. I wish that... I couldn't chance it. I know you're a double agent working on both sides which sort of makes you a bit of a neutral person but there were too many people in that writer's room and in the sort of directorial team of which many people join mattress pike like king he doesn't like to talk about it but he had several people stacked on top of each other in several trench coats helping him on the directing directing duties. I don't know who's a Freemason.

I don't know who's a Luminati. I can't take my chances. I've just got to chuck a number in there and hope that they don't realise which team I'm playing for. I remember when you turned in your original draft of the film, it was entirely numbers. Yes, sir. No letters, no words, no spaces.

You got it. Formatted like a script. Sort of had all the feel of a script. It felt like you had... It's in that typewriter font. You had written a movie. Yeah, all numbers, though. Now, you will have noticed that we got the character of Charlotte York to screen there.

And what you don't know is, as a compromise between Tim wanting to have a movie entirely based of numbers and my desire for a slightly more traditional model of a film, we wrote all of Charlotte's scenes to just be screams. But a lot of people found it unsettling. As I've said, Chris Noth was sort of off balance the whole shoot and whenever he'd hear her screaming, it would sort of set him off like a young dog. So we had to reduce it and eventually give her some lines.

Kristen Davis, funnily enough, very interested in the screaming role. Thought it was quite an exciting direction for Charlotte. Yeah. In fact, from memory, once she received the translated script in English, she said, this will be a scream. Her words, not mine. It's a bit of fun gorgeous candace burgeon joins us on screen legendary star of the small and larger screens that's right you could say her small screen tv but sometimes now tv's a bit her career is candace burgeoning okay do you think that's been written before uh

you know maybe a tv guide from 1986 it could well be in print somewhere as a pun i would describe it as simply irresistible okay okay does that link into some career highlight for her or just a good song i just really like the song yeah fair enough too so in terms of plot story what's actually happening on screen right now well i'll say the same thing now as i said at the time i don't give a fuck film what you want we'll cobble it together the idiots who like this series are going to gobble it up in the cinemas it does not make one difference however this thing turns out literally people are fucking morons they'll pay their 15 plus five for a gallon of coke a giant bucket of popcorn

a snickers from a freezer and they'll watch whatever the fuck we tell them to watch can i ask you a personal question because see it they did people turned out for this film and we made a significant amount of money what um in the intervening years since this came out what is the silliest thing that you've spent a lot of money on with your earnings from Sex and the City and the movie The Movie? Well, so I wasn't aware that the sort of hallway of mirrors or the house of mirrors was an already existing entertainment or sort of fun park property. So I, on the West Coast, I went on a two-year pilgrimage trying to buy all of the mirrors.

Not commissioning your own mirrors, just buying ones that are already out there. Just buying mirrors door to door, knocking on doors saying, you got any mirrors in the house, can I buy them? And a lot of people were resistant. A lot of people, I was offering serious amounts of money, very open to it. I would say I probably collected about 45% of the mirrors on the west coast of America. Far out. I then bought a significant amount of property in Arkansas, and I just put them all on top of each other.

The mirrors? Yeah. Just stacked them up? Stacked them right up. Are you talking after we wrapped shooting? Yeah. Are they there still in Arkansas? Just a big pile of mirrors? Presumably.

Once I sort of lined them all up I realised I don't know what I'm doing here. None of this makes sense and I just left them there. Before we get some go around and buy some, maybe commission some big lenses to be made. Big bits of glass. We could make ourselves a laser.

A little heat ray. From the mirrors? Devastating heat ray, yeah. How does that work? What's the science of that? I think if we got all the mirrors... Okay, picture this. We get all the mirrors...

That's my handwriting. We get all the mirrors that you've purchased in a circle. I'd write a lot of postcards in character as Vivian Westwood and just send them out on set. I sent you a few. We tilt them up at a 45-degree angle. So when the sun hits it, it all kind of blasts roughly into the middle, and then we focus all of that light through a single lens into a beam.

I think we've got a heat ray at that point. I'm not here to argue with you. I'm here to agree with you. I don't understand science. I hear that'd be a pretty cool thing to do. It's a good use for the mirrors. That or go around New York City figuring out who's a vampire and who ain't. There's always that.

Yeah. Originally, the scene of Carrie and big sniffing the book lasted an hour but um we got significant notes from the studio saying that's too long so we cut it down to 55 still too long 50 minutes still too long 45 minutes still too long 40 minutes still too long 35 minutes still too long 30 minutes still too long 25 minutes still too long 20 minutes felt pretty good for a week until we got a note back saying it's actually still too long. 15 minutes, still too long. 10 minutes, still too long.

5 minutes, still too long. Eventually, I think it was down to about 22 seconds. And honestly, watching it back now, even that feels too long. Yeah, it does. To think we wanted an hour of that right now is embarrassing. In retrospect, sure, it was long. But you only get the feel for that sort of stuff once you're in the editing bay and you're seeing everything in context put yourself in our shoes put yourself in our shoes everybody we got 250 hours of footage

which we thought was all going to make it into the fit this isn't takes i'm talking like we've got our selects to put in the movie. We've got 250 hours stacked up. Do you want to know the original plot of this film, guys? Have you got four hours? Neither of us have written or made a movie before. You have to bear that in mind when we're sharing this information with you. Hats off to the editor, though, eh? Wow, the fact that they cobbled together anything even close to this cohesive

is nothing short of a miracle. Yeah. Here's to them. What do you make of this red? The wine. Yeah, it's not a bad red. It was my idea to have music in the movie. Brand new filmic technique that Guy montgomery brought to the fore he said

hey have you guys heard music and we said uh yeah the guy said i'm thinking we whack some in the film we said yeah he said cool and then you raced out of the room running around to record shops because you'd only ever heard five or six songs well I was ready to fight tooth and nail for the idea it felt revolutionary and I thought

it was a pretty good one and I stand behind that to this day yeah you got very little resistance in the room but you look so pent up ready for a fight

well I was ready for one you're like a spring all coiled up ready to bounce there's no place to go I'll tell you what I wasn't excited about what's that mate?

books being in the movie fucking A you and I both fought very about. What's that, mate? Books being in the movie. Fucking A. You and I both fought very hard to try and get all literature and books, and text, actually, removed from the movie. We kept arguing with the several directors stacked up on top of each other in trench coats, saying, mate, people don't go to the movies to hear about books. People go to the movies to forget about books. Get them out of here.

Now, introduction of young Brady, who what you need to understand is that Guy and I have developed a lot of projects involving this young man's character. Not any of them have been greenlit so far, but we have got merch ideas, children's animated series. Lunch playing cards pajamas i mean we've got religions we've only made two sets of all this stuff and it's all adult sized almost exactly to our specifications um sort of as mock-ups i

guess because we went into the room to pitch but But I think a lot of people were confused. I don't know what happened on the scheduling end of things, but a lot of people weren't expecting us in the room. So you can imagine the two of us show up with a lot of, to them, who is just Brady, the kid from Sex and the City, adorned all over a set of silk pyjamas, a lunchbox. If you open that up, you've got apples with his face printed on it. You've got a deck of cards we're throwing at them with his face printed on it.

And then, all of a sudden, you release 1,000 wild rats with little masks specifically built for rats of his face into a room, a couple of network execs. I mean, these people, they're so coddled. They live in such a heightened, cloistered, you know, false version of the world, they've got no idea what to do in this situation. And neither did we. We had not released the rats before. Tell you who did know what to do the kid who played brady fucking a kid was a dynamo real joy on set now the original draft um which i think i alluded to,000 pages long, didn't have any sex in it.

And it almost immediately got shot back to our desk. They hadn't read it, first of all, which was a bit of an affront to a lot of hard work we did. You've got to respect their senses. In spite of not having read it, they knew there was no sex in it. They knew there was no sex in it because they managed to do a bit of a control F, try and find the word sex in there. I refused to put it in because of my British upbringing,

which eventually led me to the... So we said, there's not enough sex for you? Well, take this. And we changed out the word city for the word sex. So all the stuff about the city was now about sex, but in doing so, we took out all of the city. They said that's not going to work either. So we then took the script back. We divided it into two halves.

Half sex, half city. The first half, all the characters, the descriptions, the action, the dialogue was just the word sex. So if you can imagine this scene as it was written would just be sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

The people in the background, they're no longer in a cafe. They're fucking. Or, if they're dining by themselves, masturbating. Just want to say that necklace that we've got on Kim Cattrall at the moment is Luciferian. It's actually a penis going into a vagina. That's what that is. That's a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun.

There's another one from me. Yeah, that was a big one, actually. Team Satanism. You had a lot of agendas you were trying to get into this film, Tim. Yes. Gay agenda. Satanist agenda. My agenda.

Yeah, you kept trying to get a shot of your calendar in there yeah why was that i thought it was very important that everyone get on board with my agenda here it is 4 30 a.m rise 4 45 first coffee of the day 5 a.m i'm off for a run. Four kilometers. Don't go too hard. But go very, very fast. Four kilometers at full speed.

5.30, you're in the shower. Start cold. Get to warm. Never go hot. By 6 a.m. You may want to be sat down at the breakfast table tucking into Human noses Preferably

If you can't obtain them, pig snouts will do It's going to get you through the day Then I'm on my Underwood typewriter From About 7 in the morning To 7 at night And then off to bed

Those are the weekdays The weekends morning to seven at night and then off to bed. Those are the weekdays. The weekends? You get everything in reverse. The a.m. becomes p.m. So you get up at 4 p.m., 4.30 p.m. Yes. Have a coffee at 4.45 p.m.

Yes. But otherwise it's exactly the same thing. Yeah. Now here's a fun at 4.45pm. Yes. But otherwise it's exactly the same thing. Yeah. Now, here's a fun fact about Smith Jarrett. I fucked the ever-loving shit out of him on set. How was that? Fantastic. Is he a good lover?

He's an electric lover. He's very generous. Dumb as a sack of hammers, though, that man. I have got nothing to say about this movie he the smith jarrett can't even remember the man who plays him this is how uh wafer thin he was as an intellect on screen or on set rather what i'm trying to say is this man is a dumb dumb we were giving him very specific directions because we'd be like you start here and and just walk over to samantha and deliver the line and he would say things like that how do i walk and we'd have to block out how the left foot goes in front of the right foot when a human walks it's the strangest thing i've never experienced

anything quite like it yeah when you say that it did sort of the way we had sex did now with hindsight fear a little bit exploitative on my end yeah this big muscle-bound man exhausted from a day of learning how to walk and me you know running around los angeles with a lot of mirrors yeah it's exhausting thirsty work it's hard trying to teach a grown man how to walk especially when you're laden down with that many mirrors now this is our introduction of dante into the film this is where we got a big win for um once we kind of cottoned on to the fact that we need to insert some sex into the script we came up with this idea of transforming samantha into a total voyeur they weren't fully enamored with the idea the teams of directors stacked on top of each other inside trench coats led by mattress pikelet king but

once we started to lead them down the garden path of saying it'll be very taste tastefully shot we won't see too much pain but we'll see just enough no full cooch we'll get some titties in there they say it's warm to the idea and before you know it we've got a recurring through line of one of the main gals just staring at her neighbor having sex every night it's exciting it's avant-garde and yet somehow a timeless cinematic concept perving there's the original subtitle for this one it's like how um you'll notice you know how star wars is called star wars a new hope but everyone just calls it star wars maybe they gave them that subtitle afterwards this was supposed to be sex in the city perving. Sex and the City, Sex and the City, the film, the film.

Sex and the City and the movie, the movie perving. You'll notice for how big this closet is, not a mirror to be seen. Good point. Would have scared the Chris's too much. Can't worry the Chris's. Absolutely. Chris Noth, a lot of people don't know this because a lot of people think of Chris Pine

Chris Pratt these guys as the Chris Evans as the Chris's Chris Noth includes himself in that conversation and he shouldn't because no one else does I don't know man you ever get the feeling you've seen your own work too much?

Absolutely, man. Like, just... At some point, it's too much. It's an assault. We need more wine. I'm not looking forward to the Chilean $10 bottle that I've procured. I don't foresee good things. I think it's going to be greatan $10 bottle that I've procured.

I don't foresee good things. I think it's going to be great. Let me hold that glass for you. A fun detail about Samantha's character in this film is... She sucks? Not that, but we sort of thought, well, she lives in Los Angeles, but why don't we remove that as an interesting plot element by having her literally spend her entire life in New York?

A lot of the time we'd think of a clever idea or something that might function in terms of story or plot development and then we'd figure out a way to take it away because that way we've earned the right to do it. Just missed, sorry, the shot of Noel Fielding on the shelf there who we dressed up as Joan Jett to recreate that famous album art for um i love rock and roll i think it was yeah that is noel fielding if anyone's curious at home like this for those of you not watching along with us i was just singing a lyric from the aerosmith run dC mashup Walk This Way,

a song we decided to use for a fun montage in which Carrie would try on various different outfits, both from the movie that we hadn't seen before and also that were worn during the TV show, sort of as a nod or a homage to the fans who we are otherwise taking the absolute fucking piss out of. The hardest bit for me of the whole production of this film, I think, was trying to do everyone's charts when you have an ensemble cast there are a lot of birthdays in the mix

a lot of competing signs a lot of risings that you have to coordinate and uh it actually adds a tremendous amount of expense when you can only shoot with two people at a time but there's sort of four main characters in a movie and you've got to digitally stitch it together at the end but when you've got a cancer with taurus rising a straight virgo a aquarius and a fucking Scorpio all in the same film and leading roles there's no way in hell you would be a mad person to try and get them

to be in the same place at the same time while you shot you couldn't do it so that's why I'll forever be grateful to the the artistes in the CGI department who managed to stitch all this together to make it appear like the girls are appearing uh at the same time i'll forever be grateful for them yeah forever we do owe them a debt of gratitude after it turned out we'd gone well over budget

and of the 250 hours of takes we'd approved for use in the film 249 hours of them were unusable they were left with an hour and a half not just of images to render but story to patch up uh without wanting to give away too much of the stuff that they inserted of their own volition outside of what we'd scripted and shot uh pretty much the entire middle section of the movie is theirs so we did the opening gambit with the introduction of the characters the sort of cursory oversight of where the sex in the city world and universe was and we also did the credits um otherwise you know while we can talk and speculate about what happened on set uh this is pretty much all cgi and honestly they fought pretty hard to get this

uh entered as an animated feature in the Oscars, or at least if only not as the best animated feature, best animation. Disney blocked them, of course. And so did we. We said, well, then everyone's going to know about the errors we made. And they said, well, they kind of should. Disney, of course, famously aligned with the Illuminati,

so they knew that they could sort of get on Camp Timbo. And I'd seen some of the bigwigs at Temple. Now, here's an interesting thing to remember when you're watching this scene. I've got a few favours owed by some pretty high-up people in the organisation, if you know what I mean. Sorry, off you go, Monty. You signed an undisclosure agreement. You're not even meant to say that.

That's true. But the people who you're talking about know who they are and they will be quivering in their boots. So we had a bit of trouble getting this scene off the ground if only because the actor playing Steve Brady kept saying, I'm not married to her. I haven't cheated on her. Yeah.

And we'd say, well, as it may be, that's not necessarily relevant for what we're trying to capture here, which is the experience of your character being married to her and your character having cheated on her. And he said, I haven't. I haven't and I won't. And we said, okay, feels like you're repeating the same point here.

Are you married in real life? He said, no. We said, have you cheated on anyone in real life? He said, no. And we sort of came to loggerheads, and as we've just mentioned, all of that was CGI. Very difficult man to work with. I'm not quite sure how he managed to get through

the entire series of Sex and the City without sort of being familiar with what the concept of acting is. To his credit, he'd show up every day. He'd show up every day, and then we'd have to digitally erase him. Lovely man, though. Phenomenal. Huge, beautiful penis.

Yeah, and seriously taut buttocks. The guy is an undercover hottie. Actually, no, not even undercover, because he is outwardly attractive, but he's more sneaky hot. Sneaky hot. Of course, we can see in the back of the shot here, Brady playing with the sort of commando GI Joe man,

getting some cues from a military figure on how to command an army. What you can't see is an earpiece in his right ear in which Tim was whispering various different instructions on what to do with the action figure. Throw his arm up in the air. Put a fist up there. It's an old Illuminati symbol.

This is a bit of the film. We're at sort of the 38 minute mark now, folks. Where certain storylines start to unravel and we are testing the audience at this point. It's got to be said. We weren't just testing the audience, we were testing ourselves. It sort of became like a...

What's happened? Let's bring people up to speed. If you're watching this track without the accompanying movie, what have we got right now? We've got a marriage in turmoil steve has just announced that he's been cheating on his beloved miranda that's right charlotte and harry have been given absolutely nothing to work with they are happily and boringly married while

raising an adopted daughter carrie and big are somewhat loggerheads over the planning of their wedding which was meant to be small and has grown into something much larger. And then, oh, no, that's everyone, is it? No. Samantha Jones. Samantha Jones, living in Los Angeles, voyeuristically watching her neighbor Dante have sex with a variety of women, falling out of love with her life with Smith Jarrett very slowly but surely.

That synopsis took about 30, 40 seconds. That's right. We could have saved so much time. Well, we treated the whole movie like we treated the montage at the start. People keep saying this. And I say the same thing to you. I said to them,

I have regrets, regrets. I have a few. Chris North really showing his Oscar worthy acting chops here That's phenomenal That was an improv Get him in all black He looks like a floating head in this scene

Black eyebrows Jet black hair He's got a black shirt on Black pants He's just got this slightly He's got a beautiful tanned olive face Just floating Is it interesting to you to think that all of these people worked very hard

to get to where they are in life and in their careers? Like Chris Noth, Sergei Skopaka, when they signed up for the TV show Sex and the City, no idea what it would become. And then they ride the highs of what it is, you know, through the days when they're genuinely making a difference. Cultural and critical darling, moving the conversation forward,

really contributing to society at large, to the cynical cash grab that we orchestrated and executed in this film. This is Hollywood, baby. This is the train, isn't it? Everyone's doing important work at the start and everyone's collecting a big old important check at the end. There's a poetry to that, you know?

I just can't believe... Ashes to ashes. Importance to checks. There's another hour and 40 minutes of this film to go. And what I'm... That sounds absurd to me. What I'm wondering... Wait, it's even longer.

Jesus Christ. An hour and 50 minutes boy howdy i feel sick to my stomach at the thought of that it is truly terrifying really scary and all i've had today so far yeah two pieces of toast half an avocado three tomatoes and a banana well it feels like a it's the list went on i was like well that's not so bad a lot of soft foods yeah are you a bit worried about the toilet situation that you may be brewing no no i think the toilet situation is gonna be fine i have had two coffees but i've also had two poos i'm mostly worried about the unholy amount of wine i've realized i'm going to consume to make this experience enjoyable at least for myself should we better get crack i feel like it might be a bit behind we're so busy gas bagging over

here we're not paying enough attention to the wine which by the way can i just say beautiful notes of um you know red wine it does taste like red wine we're gonna get through this yeah i want to hold onto your hand for a little while tim physical intimacy is important yeah i uh what is that song we gotta get through this daniel beddingfield we gotta get through this i'm gonna make i'm gonna make i'm gonna make it through yeah i gotta get through this i gotta get through this he is a kiwi i think one of those people born in new zealand largely raised elsewhere but we happily claim as our own when he's doing well, and when he's not, we still claim him as our own. Oh, my fuck! All right, here's where we're at, everybody.

Engagement dinner. Sorry, rehearsal dinner for the wedding, day before the wedding, which is very high stakes. A real hangover style, like putting something too close before the big day. And, lo and behold, it does blow up in their fucking face. This is where the seed is planted by Miranda telling Big, I don't know what you guys are doing.

Marriage ruins everything. Smith Garrett trying to smoke a fucking stogie like Duke Nukem cracks me up every time I see it. He is a boy in men's clothing. That's right. He kept putting it in his mouth and going... You're not Arnie, mate. Admit it. You can't smoke a cigar like that.

Just smoke it normally. On the crook of your index finger. It's not for you, mate. Your hands aren't big enough. What's it like being married, Tim? Oh, look. It's's bliss it's great that's so back that's so great that makes me really happy everyone should go get married find the next person you see go get hitched to them marriage isn't some archaic outdated notion of you know long-term commitment and monogamy it's a beautiful lease on life in which you find someone you love cherish and care for they feel the same for you and you

support one another through the hard times and the good unless you get a dress gifted to you by vivian west westward in which case it becomes a sort of avatar for your own vapidness devolving into i mean a sensationally selfish exchange where you've completely missed the point and uh ultimately as a result of your dwindling years and lessening prospects as time goes on and your looks begin to wither one of the few assets you have left a gradual acceptance that you're going to be with this person who you don't particularly love but uh you know mr big's the only man chasing me now so i guess i'll settle down and start a lovely little compromise nest a lot of people get married for fear of being alone but sometimes the loneliest we feel is when we're in the company of others and to me that's the scariest fucking thing in the world a great philosopher once wrote uh one is the

loneliest number that you'll ever do not according to gar Montgomery for two two can be as bad as one as bad as one it's the loneliest number after number one who wrote that Harry Nilsson is that true and people say he's just a pair of tits that is true Harry Nilsson uh Is that true? And people say he's just a pair of tits. That is true. Harry Nilsson. His career was derailed by the crippling disease that is alcoholism. He was one of the most gifted songwriters and performers in the history of music. Wow.

But couldn't quite get it together. He also sang that song, You put the lime in the coconut, you drink it all up. You put the lime in the coconut, drink it all up you put the lime in the coconut you call the doctor wake him up and say doctor ain't there nothing i can take i said doctor singing before the hour mark has to be an all-time low for the lads not good do you know every time i hear that song that reminds me of practical magic now that is a film i haven't seen it it reminds me of Practical Magic. Now, that is a film. I haven't seen it. It reminds me of my dad. He used to love saying that. It's a good song.

I can imagine Stephen belting that out, shirtless, making some pancakes for the kids on a Saturday morning. I am disappointed to reflect upon how little of my childhood was spent with my dad shirtless. That fucking prude was always tops and bottoms on you know when you're really making up for lost time aren't you i am i remember out on stage oh when did i do that it's happened i was there oh but that was in service of a joke that's true that wasn't just a dick out on stage that wasn't me going my dad was clothed take this yeah um when you're younger you know how much time you can spend in the water if you go to the beach if you're at a pool it's like literally funnily enough i frequently had this conversation with my wife who grew up at the beach yeah she said it's just amazing i used to get out there just be out there all day

and then your dad or your mum might come in for a swim and you're like, yes, finally. This is going to be amazing. We're going to spend three, four, five hours in here. Are you kidding me? And they only want four to five minutes of pool time, beach time. Do you think it's the perception of time? You know what I mean?

Do you think when you're a kid, you're actually in there for the same amount of time, but two, five minutes was an hour? of time you know what i mean like do you think when you're a kid you're actually in there for the same amount of time but no i mean yes the procedure time does play some some uh it's coming to play some to some degree but genuinely have you spent time with kids around pools they will stay in them until they are like hypothermic true the kids love water. Completely pruned, sick, shivering, blue lips. Poisoned by the chlorine. Bleached by the bleach, which I add to my pool. That's right. So, I guess...

The wedding day is tomorrow. Big experiencing doubts. Thanks. And I don't want to spoil anything. For those of you who haven't listened to any of the podcasts before haven't seen the movie uh somehow listening after 50 minutes of absolute rubbish to this podcast big's gonna jilt carry and not our best work this is it no it's had its little moments though sometimes you throw some wine and full head of steam in the mix the other thing about this room is

when you spend too much time in it, it becomes completely filled with CO2 and completely devoid of oxygen which I think is a cognitive impera rather than enhancer. Well, what about we get some fresh air in the room? Yeah, not a bad idea.

Literally nothing to stop that from happening. It's just me getting up, opening a door. You gonna do it? It's a little treat, I'm gonna say, for the hour mark. We're allowed to exhale in ten minutes. Okay. Big moment for the Sex and the City franchise, this. Carrie Bradshaw, the perennial single gal she is a shining beacon

of uh fucking dating and you know meeting guys and now here she is on her big wedding day finally what a what an image what a vision that's right mr big however is not doing so well he has found out that i've left a mirror in the bathroom of his trailer. That's not Mr. Big, that's Chris Knoth. And we filmed him trying to call someone to press charges and then overdubbed it

with dialogue in which he was freaking out towards Carrie. My God, Tim. Seems so expensive. Seems like such an expensive way to go about things. He wasn't happy, though. It turns out, though, and we can say this definitively,

there's no law against making someone sort of look at themselves in a mirror if you don't use physical force, which we didn't. So, charges were dropped. We got a movie out of it. And you got treated to that gorgeous scene of Big on his phone. There was a man standing in

the back there and a very father of the bride uh posture which i've never noticed before smiling on in a wedding suit who's that fucking guy i don't know but it is i didn't cast him none of these characters have parents dark man well we know that uh that Steve's got a mum with advancing Alzheimer's. That is mentioned in the script. Otherwise? I didn't put that in. I've not heard a word in either film. But that actually is in fitting with the lore of the franchise,

which is that all four of the gals spawned forth from a plant rather than being born of man, which is why we follow their adventures. You ever heard the phrase two peas in a pod? Yeah, man. Sex and the City is where that came from, because Samantha and Carrie came is where that came from. Because Samantha and Carrie came out of the same pod.

You're five years old. You're only allowed to ask five people to your birthday party. Here it goes. Who are they? Five years old? I've got no memory of... Well, alright. I can soak up three spots with my siblings. No, you're not allowed siblings.

Far out. Maybe you should answer this question first and I'll get in the wake. Sam Manson. Shout out. Yeah. That friendship soured. Oh, sorry to hear that. Not five years later, he pushed me into the urinal

when we both went on a toilet break during class. I went back upstairs, my front absolutely covered in urine water and urine. I said to our teacher, Trish Daniels, I said, Trish, Sam pushed me into the urinal. She said, don't blame other people, guy. You had a little accident. Seriously? Yeah, you reckon that stuck with me?

It really seems like it has. That's fucked up, man, but also sensationally funny on his behalf. Why isn't he a stand-up comedian? Sam Manson, Christian Armstrong, Kit Hunter Welsh. Shout out. I'm five years old.

Who are my friends? Sam Irohan Dunn. I used to love that kid. Shoutn. I used to love that kid. Shout out. I used to love him, but I also didn't like him because he was a faster runner than me. And running fast was one of the things

that I thought was like a key attribute to my personality. So I call him the Flash. And, Ben Pryor. Shout out. Pretty shit birthday party yeah what are you going to talk about at five um probably trying to form make amends after pushing your mate in the urinal i reckon that is sensationally funny though that's a that's a good 10 from him 10 years old you're allowed

five people at your birthday party who are they? I'm not sure that this makes for the most blisteringly hot audio content but Luke Parker's in there for sure that's what I want his dad worked for a thing they called BMG and they were like a

subgroup connected with Sony and he had a PlayStation before anyone. I remember spending a lot of time playing PlayStation at his place. Having a PlayStation at a young age. Tim Morton? Shout out? Before we give a shout out to Tim Morton, can I just say that having a PlayStation at a young age,

I think, is a lot like being a celebrity when you're older, where it's very difficult to tell who is friends with you for who you are. Very true. And who is friends with you for your status or ownership of a gaming console. Yeah. It's a hard one to tease out, but I think you care less when you're a kid too. You're just like, ah, fuck, I'll take it. Doesn't make a difference.

You're in my house. A little bit less self-analysis. Maybe there's something we can all learn from the child inside us. And you, as the guests are going, but this isn't fair because you always get to play. It's at your house. Daniel Dixon. Shout out. Shout out.

What's Dan Dix doing now? Fuck, who knows, mate? Haven't looked him up. No idea. He's good value. Probably Mark Gibson. Yeah. He's definitely there shout out shout the fuck out uh most of the people i've just named in fact i think all of them and i formed a uh sort of a tribute act to the spice girls and uh not once but twice called the Herb Boys We won talent quests

Talent contests Performing as the Spice Girls The five of us Amazing Guess which girl I was Baby No sporty She's the only one of us who could do a cartwheel

Really? Yeah What were they teaching those ten year old boys That they could not cartwheel Emotional crescendo of Sex and the City and the City the Movie. The Movie. Fuck. This is a moment of high drama.

We have used slow motion in the film for the first time. As Carrie Bradshaw slams her bridal bouquet into Mr. Big's stupid face. While Charlotte grabs her like a mama bear clutching a threatened cub to her bosom, ushering her to safety. We have tears, we have screaming, we have disappointment and a broken heart. One of the strongest bits of acting in the movie, that,

when Charlotte chastises Big for jilting her friend. And rightly so. To be honest, if someone jilted one of my close friends i would be ropeable it's no good it's no good what he's done did you experience any nerves or cold feet on your wedding day no none pure excitement yeah that's what you want definitely no i don't get the cold feet thing i i find it very um did zoe well not that i know of yeah but you'd have to ask her wouldn't you well i don't i've asked her and said no to me yeah yeah you might get a different answer no i don't think i would you're very happily married but that's not to say you don't still experience cold feet on the day you have little moments

little freak outs you know that aren't actually representative of how you feel it's just your brain laying out an alternative reality I'm not here to say like if you do get cold feet that that's not a perfectly normal reaction to a wedding day, it's so common that it's got it's own terminology cold feet

I'm just saying I didn't get it. But that's because I tend to... I do some scary things, so I try to make them not scary in my head. Getting on stage and performing, that's scary for most people. You've just got to compartmentalize a little bit. Yeah, this will be fine.

Don't worry about it. Keep your biscuit. What's the etymology of cold feet? Hmm. Maybe it's like having wobbly legs or something when you're nervous. Knock-kneed. Yeah. Cold feet.

That's an interesting one. Who's to fucking say? I am so grateful to those of you who are listening along with us right now and i'm also so sorry yes i'd like to echo those sentiments i just don't know what to say to you like sometimes you get in the room and the alchemy it's not off but it's also not on what star sign are you guys i'm so happy to be next to tim i'm so happy to be drinking wine with my friend but i'm so upset at what is transpiring on the screen in front of us and we are trapped between just genuinely talking to each other and having a good time and catching

up and honoring the concept that we're talking about or over this movie and honestly the whole situation is no man's land it is a fucking mess out here nothing we're saying is of interest not just to you but to us how do you think we feel it's 10 times worse here's the problem one of us is always in this kind of shallow but very rarely do both of us find ourselves in the ditch and yet here we are it's coincided well let's implement some positive thinking techniques and strategies in the mix let's go at it what star sign are you? Libra Libra What's Libra all about? Is that the wire? It's the scales of justice

That's what I say I said that to someone who does astrology recently They said that's not what it is I said definitely is And they said you're wrong Yeah but I said to be fair I'm right What did they say it is? I didn't listen

I'm obsessed with the idea I'm the scales of justice 10 alternative names for carrie bradshaw margaret middleston stumbled at the first hurdle felicity huffman ruby knox andrea colleen sar don't have time to even mention it. Uh-huh. No, no, no. Find another time later.

Uh-huh. Well, it turns out I couldn't get her out of the honeymoon, but I got us in. What? I just booked us three seats on the flight. Mexico? Here we come. I can't go to Mexico. I have a job. Very recently

I was just looking at it. And we're back. A little technical glitch. Yeah, you'll be upset to hear that was not a strategy meeting in which we regrouped and planned how to make the remaining hour and a half of this recording more enjoyable. It was a minor technical glitch. To probably note for my own

technical prowess later, 56 58 57 58 58 anyway it was important to us that we took the characters outside of new york city famously the sixth character in the franchise and to mexico uh otherwise it was going to be very difficult to put in some slight racism, which, for whatever reason, it felt like we should put into the film, if only to represent the time and place we were at culturally in 2008. It's the four tentpoles of doing a big-budget film.

You've got to sell it to young adults who've got that disposable teenage income from their after-school jobs without having to pay rents or mortgages you've got mums and dads who need a date night out you've got the elderly who are on a pension with a lot of time to fill and need some entertainment products and of course racists who've inherited tremendous wealth from their phobias presumably who have stolen it yeah built on the backs of hurtful and harmful ideology. But that's how you get a movie made these days.

Those are the four groups of people you've got to appeal to, you see. See, making movies, it ain't so hard. You've just got to get out all of your morals and hit pause on them. Hit pause? You keep going. You hit pause on the morals. Slow down. This was the first time Sarah Jessica Parker's

appeared on screen sans makeup. We call it el natural. Which actually means the natural in Spanish, surely. Doesn't make any fucking sense, does it? That's right. It does mean the natural. Now, Tim and I slept in this bed for a week they filmed around us when we first arrived in mexico we went on a huge oxy cotton binge um did not end well for either of us well you say it didn't end well the thing about that is

if you analyze the experience that we had on our oxxy bender from just the end point, sure, it didn't ultimately end well. But the memories that I've taken out of that seven-day voyage of discovery through a beautiful land of Mexico, they will last me a lifetime. Well, hallucinatory as they may be, that is true. Well, did we or did we not go to the most stunning display of luchador wrestling that you've ever seen in your life? Well, in a sense we did in that we visualized it, but in another sense we didn't leave the room for seven days, Tim. So, no, we did not. Riddle me this.

Did we or did we not see a Matador show second to none? The answer's going to be the same, isn't it? Because, again, we did indeed share that experience, which I think... Final question. Were we at a J-Lo concert in Guadalajara, Mexico? Yes or no? Well, that was the one time we left the room, and it was sensational. Jennifer Lopez really brought it.

A back catal catalog of nothing but the biggest hits including guest appearances by none other than jar rule rip ben affleck who was her partner at the time yeah huge shout out to ben affleck he couldn't sing but he did deliver all of matt damon's lines from goodwill hunting we said why is he doing matt damon's lines he didn't explain it. It was incredible. Is that true that they were together in 2008? Who's to fucking say? Yeah, literally no one.

So don't look that up, fuckers. Tim, I love you. I love you so much. I have so much respect for you. I really love the way you live your life. I do. I think you've got a great heart. You've got a really good energy.

When people meet you they're excited to get to know you you've got a warmth to you that cannot be taught it cannot be bought it is entirely yours but what you're doing to me and what we're doing to each other is not healthy no neither of us are in a good place right now let me repay the compliment because i feel like i really left you hanging out there. No. It wasn't nice. I know. I know. I hear you.

I don't want a compliment. I know. I want one during this record. Sure. But if we both give out our really generous compliments now... It takes away from what you've done. It doesn't do that.

It's just what's left for us. Oh, I see. Compliments are nice to give and to receive. Well, there will be a little something waiting for you a little bit later on, unless I forget, in which case I will feel very bad. I won't mind that. Right now, it's time for more shit fuel to get into Charlotte's gob

because a misplaced blame has been laid with some Mexican cuisine. Or actually, the water supply, isn't it? Whereas, in fact, this is an answer to the question if one consumes nothing but chocolate pudding while on holiday will one retain the solidity of shit one from which one is accustomed the answer to that is no credit a friend of the podcast metra johari for accurately pointing out that the misguided notion within the world of the film that the water that Charlotte gets in her mouth during a shower is what made her sick is wrong. Truth be told, you go to Mexico and eat nothing but chocolate pudding from Poughkeepsie, upstate New York for a week,

your insides are going to become ruined. Very fluid. There's nothing to keep that stuff in there. There's too much fiber there's a lack of viscosity is what there is straight through you need viscous shit everyone like a like a kid in a hydra slide that thing's gonna come out of the bottom with no control but even worse it'd be like jello going down a hydroslide. Ugh.

It's disgusting, isn't it? Wish I was on a hydroslide right now. Surrounded by water, these women refuse to get in the pool. Despite the fact that they're all in their bathers. What's going on there? They're adults. They don't understand how much fun there is to be had in water. That is fucking true, eh?

It's so weird. Kids get it. There's a few things that kids get. Number one. Racism is a social construction that should not be bought into there's not a natural proclivity that children possess it must be taught to them and number two the water's for getting in it's not for sitting around as adults so often we say i wish there was a pool i wish i was near a body of water how about you change the framework and the structure of what you're saying to, I wish I was in the pool. I wish I was in a body of water.

Do you know what's crazy? The amount of time I spend at the beach in my 30s sitting on the sand next to the water is fucking insane. Do you want to get in? I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'll go in for 40 seconds followed by two more hours of lying on the sand. You know the incredible miracle that is being in a body of water? You are weightless. more hours of lying on the sand the incredible miracle that is being in a body of water you are

weightless your body as it exists in the real world takes on an entirely different form you are literally floating in as close to what is a representation of zero gravity or space as we have so long as we're bound to earth and yet we'd rather spend our time waiting to get to the right temperature before we climb into the body of water. It is a disgrace. It is a humiliation. To all of the children listening to this podcast, I say this.

Please give us some notes. We're running out of ideas. Send in some finger paintings. Luckily for you, Guy Montgomery, we do have the good book here with us. The Sex and the City in the Movie, the movie book. Here we've got a lovely photo of SJP.

These photos are fucking phenomenal. Look at that. Look at how crisp that is. Look at that. Look at that photo. There's a caption there. Can you read that aloud? At the end of the trip,

finally ready to face her mailbox full alert, Carrie checked her messages. But when she heard Big's voice, she impulsively threw her phone off a cliff. You know what we should do? We should follow along with the book because I think this is set out sort of chronologically with the film. In fact, we've really missed a trick by not having it open from the start

so this book if you uh missed the introduction of said text into this podcast project came from the city tip in the nation's capital of wellington here to see if my older brother john went to the fucking dump where people get rid of all the things they don't want in their life anymore And what luck. Here we have Michael Patrick King saying, their understanding the day after being jilted so instead i turned it into a we hate men scene there needed to be an element of margaritas and fun but without taking it to a girls gone wild level that of course is soon to come when charlotte pookipsies in her pants girls gone wild moment would be more like if they all got some new fellas absolutely could we get some more wine in this situation montyty? If that's possible. Definitely going to sneeze.

Here it comes. Please take that burst of energy to the door and get some fresh air in this. It's probably been an hour. We've earned it. Crickets, both reflective of the fabulous temperature we're enjoying in the summer of new zealand and the boredom that we face watching this film it's for both cheers here's to um you know oh it tastes weird at the bottom.

Got some sediment or something. That $10 bottle of red that I've bought, I don't think it's going to be a bloody scratch on this. I reckon it's going to be okay. This was $14 from a liquor shop at 9.40am on a Monday. You're really setting a strong character for yourself walking in, buying a bottle of red before 10am. Sorry, I meant PM. Oh, okay, sweet.

Well, that's perfectly normal. So, I suppose at this point we're meant to be invested in Carrie finding her feet and becoming, you know, comfortable and open to the idea of returning to the real world, facing her fears of a public humiliation in the name of being jilted by mr big uh and sort of taking ownership of her property again which was sold and re-bought as though that is something that we the movie going public can empathize with but truth be told at this point what you're probably thinking as a movie going person

is like why the fuck are we in mexico if no one's going for a swim why are we in mexico sitting by the water get in that mexican ocean what's the ocean that mexico has what's that one i think it's mostly salt water very good yeah i'm quick even when i'm slow i'm quick some birds of paradise in the garden there a fabulous flower which has evolved over time to uh look like a bird to stop other birds pecking at it is that true probably you retain a lot of information that is unhelpful it's's true. Isn't it interesting? Wouldn't it be great if we could sort of... I guess you can control the way you file memories

and what you remember and what you forget. I don't think you can. You think it's just constantly in disarray? You have no control? Well, I wouldn't say disarray, but I don't think you've got a good command over your style of retention. You know what?

And this will date this a little bit, but we are both demonstrably clutching at straws for topics right now. I was reading about a couple who have been twins, genetically modified humans, human babies, who were created using a technique called CRISPR by some Chinese scientists under the guise of increasing their, how do you say, effectiveness of not getting HIV, right? Protect them from HIV at the genetic level,

which just so happens to have the side effect of making them super intelligent. Everyone's like, you guys are full are full shit you're making super smart babies on purpose stop doing that it's unethical holy heck yeah scary stuff man it's happening now it's happening now they're born they're in the world that is incredible yeah do you think if someone else was to look upon your brain or the way your mind functions or your memories are organized in the same way that might look at your computer or desktop, they would understand the layout or they would think,

Jesus fucking Christ, you've got to rein it in, my guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. The latter. I feel like if someone did that to me, they'd see lots of folders neatly named and organized.

But then if you open up the folders, they'd be like, yeah, empty or like there's a lot of stuff that's been misplaced oh i see and they'll be like so on the level that you walk into a house and you're like what a tidy lovely house you open one cupboard and it just bursts open exactly it's about time we introduced jennifer hudson to this movie hot on the back of winning an oscar in the year 2007 for her role in Dreamgirls, Jennifer Hudson was actually cast over Kelly Rowland,

who the role was originally written for. The producers thought that Jennifer Hudson was the hotter hand, given her recent Oscar victory and her... Can Kelly Rowland pass away? No, she's alive. That's good. She's going great. I'm waiting to hear that.

That's very good. Hey good we're in a starbucks yeah we're in starbucks a lot starbucks smart water sprint mobile but there's no labels out to camera while we're in starbucks you don't need them it's nowhere there every time they drink a coffee in this movie they're drinking it from starbucks when are we getting peter kim of peter kim peter kim.com fame on the fucking pod when i'm back in new york city i'm going to take him for a nice italian meal at the same place where charlotte's water broke i'm gonna get a microphone for me a microphone for him we're gonna shoot the fucking shit my guy magnifique absolutely that is gonna be hot shit i need to be there i think i need to come over to america for that

any working actor who's built their own website is a friend of mine absolutely and i say that with full confidence because they are not out of my league fuck i'm looking forward to getting a to chat with her i gotta come over for a day absolutely gotta suss that out not cheap flying from new ze to the States. Nor vice versa. Yeah, it's essentially the same price, isn't it? Almost exactly. And the same distance. You're just going in an opposite direction. Is it slightly different though because the world's turning?

I don't know. It's probably the same. I flew recently 16 hours direct Chicago to Auckland. Christ alive. That's a lot of time in a plane, isn't it? Well, it's just incredible, the fact that you can do that at all. Yeah, isn't it?

I think to look at a map, you know, and say... Take a map and look at it. Yeah. Now, look at Chicago. Yeah. Now, look at Auckland, New Zealand. You can get there in less than a day. That's fucked, eh?

That is crazy. We've never had that before. Jennifer Hudson is playing... What was the first generation to have, like, broad air travel? Probably our folks. Wow. It all happened so quickly, and immediately we take it for granted and it's important we do otherwise we wouldn't demand more we'd be happy delta flights an hour

late yeah welcome to the fucking majesty of being in the skies cunts if we didn't i shouldn't have said the c word you're right awful that's the thing that sets this podcast apart from the others. The C word? I don't know, man. Look at you. That rat that you're holding, currently dabbing your brow out of exasperation. Is that the word I'm looking for? It's from our friend Elsie, who probably doesn't listen to the podcast anymore,

but made a sensational Brady the Rat King cosplay herself and gifted us one of the many uh how would you say sewing rats that she made herself by hand gorgeous little critter soft to the touch i won't let my dog eat it because he will eat this alive i don't doubt it killing them both it's interesting actually i don't know if it's our relationship with the format the podcast one another or this particular movie but i find it much easier almost as painful but much easier to sift dig and mine for material to talk about in watching and instead reflecting upon the movie than i do in discussing the happenings of the

movie as they unfold in front of us i have not felt so bereft of ideas and inspiration around Sex and the City, the movie, the movie, as I do right now. And it's not that they're not throwing up offers. Did we miss Lin-Manuel Miranda's appearance? We just did then, but don't worry, he's back. There he is, right there, right there. In the cap, that was him, right? Yeah.

Fucking great stuff. He's met Obama lots of times. That's pretty cool. He's also made a tremendous body of work himself. You go on a date with Carrie Bradshaw. You are peripherally aware of her as an author, a sexual anthropologist, as she describes herself in the first episode of Sex and the City, the TV show.

Look who's been watching the pilot. It's a good pilot. It's a good show. Honestly, the fact that I'm reducing the component parts of the series to this, it's more an indictment on me. What's your question, Guy? Are you nervous? Do you go in with any pre-prepared questions?

What are you going to talk to her about? Was the premise I'm on a date? Yeah, first date. You know who she is. I am terrified that my wife is going to find out about this, so I enter with fear. You are not married to... I'm not.

You're not married in this hypothetical situation. I'm a widower. You're not a widower. Zoe's passed away. Jesus Christ, absolutely not. You're not a widower. You are just not in a relationship. You never met Zoe.

You are still single. You're out there. You want to meet someone and form a meaningful connection. You go on a date with sexual anthropologist Kerry Bradshaw. What do you talk about? Do you think you have a connection?

Do you think there's a chance for you guys to get to it? Fascinated to hear what it's like to be a professional writer. Interesting. Good angle. You know?

Probably a lot of talk about the creative process, the challenges of being in charge of your own time, being accountable to no one but yourself. You know, sometimes very relaxed boss. Other times, real taskmaster. Never entirely happy with my output.

Not just the method, but the topics as well, you know. That's what you want to drill into. Sexual anthropologist. It's interesting it's an interesting title to bestow upon yourself isn't it absolutely but you can see how it works you know this is america this is the home of capitalism if someone introduced themselves to me as a sexual anthropologist i would assume that they had looked at the sexual habits of humans over you know millennia rather than rather than like a contemporary it's more of a sort of a sociologist of well it's just a sociologist isn't it sex is a part of that anthropology is the study of people though

right i don't know i thought it was the study of people over like as a species sort of over who's to say we're just two boys enjoying a bit of red wine and some other stuff in front of our 25th watch of Sex and the City and the City, the movie, the movie. Here's Samantha Jones with the weather. It's a fucking good belt, that. Another Luciferian symbol I managed to sneak in.

It is the serpent, ladies and gentlemen. Known for its power. And it's about it actually snakes don't take shit from no one i love a cement this hair in this scene b the cafe front behind the payphone in which carrie talking to her. Soft focus, everyone, if you were pitching it in your head. It's a little sort of baby blue wooden storefront with racks of red wine on the wall behind. It seems like a sort of mom-and-pop operation.

Speaking of sacking red wine, you should probably do that. Alright. We've got some red wine to get through, friend. Cheers. Cheers to you. Sacking red wine. Tim, far out, man. I don't know what to say. I got back with you.

Do you know? I got back with you because I missed you. It's gone. And it served a purpose to a point. Oh, this sucks. You don't like me anymore. I do still like you. I think the grounds on which the friendship is maintaining are unhealthy you don't have to drink the wine as far as i remember i'm not talking

about the wine okay i'm not cool cool cool dude yeah totally this isn't about the wine this is not about the wine is this about me no i think to be honest if we want this to become interesting not even for the listener but for ourselves we need to talk about why we're so uninterested right now. Here's the thing about it. Two dozen watches we've clocked up. There's also, there is, maybe we are losing our mental acuity over time as we get older, but there is a distinct challenge about talking about something you're absorbing at the same time. I don't know if any of these directors commentaries have been good i do remember being sensationally fucked up for

the grown-ups to one yeah how did that work we wore uh jackets and ties and shirts and we had a vaporizer on hand. Oh, I'm thinking of prawn salad again. Because what I was thinking is, I remember there being some very, very esoteric ideas being discussed, but they weren't captured on the podcast. I remember talking about, I got on a track of coming up with a concept of there being a sort of a, what are they called, like a rapture style scenario do you remember that

absolutely not we're talking about big lasers shooting out of the sky and uh a rapture scenario and i couldn't quite get the contours of it vague recollections now when we got on the actual record itself but when we were watching we had a conversation about that and couldn't quite recapture the i couldn't bottle that lightning so obviously that wasn't a director's commentary because if it was it'd be right there for all and sundry to hear but do you want to um perhaps dig a little deep guy and try and analyze what's going on with your your inner yeah i'm just i'm just wondering what's going on here i wasn't uh dreading doing this with you. I was not necessarily overwhelmingly excited,

but I certainly didn't anticipate the heavy and slow feeling that has hung over this record. Oh, by the way, Carrie Bradshaw, after posing for a photo shoot in Vogue, is now... There's actually not a bad bit of conflict in the movie. Miranda was about to confess to the fact that she feels partially responsible for Big jilting her because she told Big the night before the wedding

that marriage ruins everything. She was about to say as much on Halloween to Carrie in a CVS pharmacy. However, Carrie gets distracted by seeing a magazine on which she features as the last single girl of course this is humiliating now because she has since been jilted so you can't stop it going to press um but i love this bit of soundtracking i love those leaves whoever did those leaves deserves a fucking paycheck charlotte is a good friend um i just think i totally get the jackie o thing now as well now that you've said it yeah the wardrobe designer took cues from jackie onassis kennedy for charlotte's wardrobe i see it man i see it now i think we might have just lost perspective. On the film?

The project? Both. Yeah. Okay. Everything. All right. Let's unpack. Pack it up and then unpack it.

It feels wide and unwieldy. Okay. It feels like it keeps going out at the sides and never goes straight forward, you know? Here's what we've got to do. I saw this in one of the Superman movies. It was Man of Steel, I think. Make it small. Listen to my voice.

Make it small. Make what small? The world. It's too big? Make it small. What do you want to talk about? The Addams Family. What a bizarre concept. Do you know how the Addams Family got across the line? I think people forget about Addams Family. People our age, they're like, oh, the Addams Family, it was a cartoon.

It was a live action TV show in the 50s, maybe the 60s. And the thing about the Addams Family is it was another example of Illuminati occult symbology and behavior being displayed on screen under a guise of comedy. Got across the line because of the entrenched Illuminati presence in Hollywood. And I, for one, couldn't be happier that it exists and that I managed to get a reference to it

in this here rom-com. How much of what you just said is true? Who's to say? It's difficult to tease out. You're all just words at this point, right? You pour enough red wine down my gullet, words come out. That's not a bad rule.

We've been to this cafe. This exact one? Wasn't this the one we've been to we're back in starbucks so i don't know that we have i mean starbucks you told me one of these cafes we've been in i thought it was this one we've been at the restaurant that uh is the rehearsal dinner setting fuck i did not think i didn't know that yeah with hindsight um you know because we did go on the Sex and the City tour Courtesy of Gillian Anthony, who at the time was working for Time Out New York Brilliant woman Is she not now?

No, she's moved on to bigger and better things, my man But she took us on the Sex and the City tour And to be honest, it was largely wasted on us At the time, the only information we had relevant to the universe of Sex and the City was exclusively provided through Sex and the City 2. A trip to Magnolia Bakery sounds fantastic in theory. I do not know what this place has to do with the show. We went to the same place that they have the rehearsal dinner.

I am now familiar with it after seeing Sex and the City. And in fact, the first time I saw it in the movie, I was quite happy. Because I was like, I remember that. We didn't eat anything. We didn't drink anything there. But... I don't remember being there, mate, to be honest with you.

It's a classic American place. More wine, Monty? Absolutely. And the decor is obviously expensive, but it's wrong. Yeah. It's a good description. This is quite racy to me.

I haven't spoken with you about it on the podcast before, but We've just had some exposed female nipple folks on the screen. Samantha Jones. You can just call them nipples. Or can you? Well, I mean, men have nipples. I think it's important to delineate. Delineate?

Differentiate. The reason that you differentiate is because women's nipples have been sexualized. Well, if someone's listening to the pod and I say, an exposed nipple's on screen, they could be going, what, a fucking dude's nipple? Why are you telling me? But an exposed female nipple, for some reason,

highly censored in a film. Gets a higher classification slapped on. Do men's nipples get that? nipple that's why you're telling me but an exposed female nipple for some reason highly sensitive in film gets a higher classification slapped on it's the men's nipples get that no they're not absolutely not it's not you milk me what's his name again robert de niro no no uh the thing for me is not that they they reveal the nipples but it's that dante sexual adonis that he is returns from surfing yeah the woman whoever it is that Dante, sexual Adonis that he is, returns from surfing. The woman, whoever it is that he's seeing at the time, that day, if we're to believe what Samantha Jones believes about him, and why wouldn't we?

Because she pervs on him every single day. The line is, a new love for every day. They hook up on the way out from the water, and on the beach, on a public, open piece of access, he peels her bikini top off and gets her nipples out. Oh, I see. Like, if you're sunbathing nude... Ah, it's LA.

That's okay. It's Los Angeles. They're Democrats. Yeah, but you still can't fuck on the beach. Why is it so popular to have sex on the beach? Or the idea of it pervades? I don't know if it is. Yeah.

Here's what I think it is. People are like, hey, what's awesome? Sex? Love it. Beach? Also love it. Let's combine the two. Sometimes it doesn't work out, folks. Have you had sex? Like jello down a water slide.

Have you had sex on a beach? Don't think so, no. Have you had sex outdoors? Yes. Legend. What would happen if these were to magically disappear? Yeah, I know where you live. Legend. Do you want me to get rid of it? No. No, it's too beautiful. I'll just, uh, bury it.

Deep in the back, like I did in my feelings. Do you miss her? Every day. Oh, that's weird. I haven't cried very much at all. Well, no, maybe you're only allotted a certain amount of tears per man, and I use mine up. When did that happen?

I wonder. I think very recently. And we're back. Hopefully you caught the excitement of Tim going, Oh, and I didn't say it, but I felt it. And we're back. Hopefully you caught the excitement of Tim going, oh, and I didn't say it, but I felt it. Tim has three posters blue-tacked side by side on a wall in the studio here. One of them, due to the heat and fresh air,

has peeled itself off of the wall and was going to fall all the way down, but it's held in place by a blackboard that is in front of it. It's interesting to think that what we're watching, it's right next to you, is a movie that cost $100 million to make, is two and a half hours long,

and stars some of the greatest actors of our time, has somehow proven to be less interesting than a poster literally falling off a wall. Yeah. It's like watching paint dry and being enthused about it. It's the opposite, though. It's like watching paint dry and being enthused about it. It's the opposite, though. It's like watching paint wet. True.

You got me there. All right. Just bloody taking the cap off the Macaraca Reserve Pinot Noir of Chile. Oh, it's not a good color. I'll say that. I don't know wine, but that's not what I expect in a Pinot Noir. No, I got a good colour. I'll say that. I don't know wine, but that's not what I expect in a Pinot Noir. No, I've got a good feeling about it. To be honest, at this point, what difference does it make?

Let's bury ourselves. The problem is we've both got lives, tasks, things to do after this. No, no, no. We exist only in this. This is all there is. Do you think that's true to people listening to the podcast? Do you think our lives exist beyond the confines of watching the same movie and talking about it every week? No, and you shouldn't think about it.

People listen to us for escapism? I don't want to burst that bubble. Enjoy, everybody. You don't want to reveal the fact that you've got a life beyond the podcast? Absolutely not. It would ruin the magic. What am I looking for here when i swill wine around a glass and people say good legs on that what's good is it i think

i think legs is when it sticks it's like a very gentle viscosity that puts the liquid against the glass so you can see traces of it from the top to the bottom of the glass. That is what I imagine when someone says, look at the legs on that. If only because the drips or fluid bit of liquid that you can see peeling down from the top of the glass down to where the liquid is resembles legs. Yeah, that's true. You're right. It's funny, isn't it? Because when you do the little swilly motion, I mean, in the wine community, I'm sure you're aerating the wine with some other stuffy nonsense.

But if you did that to some bloody second-rate juice that had some floaties in it, you know, it's uncouth. But apparently this is classy. So let's take a little taste test and find out what we're working with here from Chile. It's not bad. It's robust. It's good.

It's yummy. Wow. It's got notes of yumminess. I couldn't help but notice that you have been on high alert, living in not fear or dread but certainly skepticism about the taste of this Chilean wine.

So I'm very happy to hear that you're happy. I'd like to say I've never noticed it. I probably won't notice it again. It might not be true. I'm just trying to find something to say in this moment. I fucking love Carrie Bradshaw's new hair color right now. It is really working for her. A few people have commented on that.

We've had a few guests say that, yeah, they really love the move of SJP to a brunette. I'm with them. We've got a phone call just coming into the studio now that we're just picking up. Guys grabbing the phone. Do you want to just check who that is? Yeah, I'm just on the phone right now, Tim. It's someone from England.

That's all the information I got given. Oh, my goodness. And you've hung up on them straight away. Was that the end of the convo? Did they just ring up to say, hello, I'm from England? Yeah. Far out. They sort of talk like this.

Is that right? Yeah. And so you sort of what I'm thinking is I'm just going to start talking like this as well. What would have maybe been a smart idea is to maybe bring that voice in maybe when the phone call was still transpiring. Give the podcast a bit of colour. Well, no, because people can't hear what I'm hearing if I'm on the phone call was still transpiring? Give the podcast a bit of colour. People can't hear what I'm hearing if I'm on the phone, but if I just start talking like this,

it's sort of, if you think of it as me, Guy, but also someone slightly divorced from Guy. Okay. So, for example, I just start calling myself Keith. Keith. Keith. Keith. Yeah. Keith. Keith Yeah Keith

K-E-I-T-H Keith What part of England are you from Keith? Nottinghamshire Oh that's a My favourite part Yeah well it's my favourite part too I don't really want to leave Nottinghamshire

So much anymore But sometimes I've got to For work What do you do for a living i'm a pilot are you you fly planes yeah for whom commercial jets british airways far out absolutely ba is quite a good airline as i understand well not up in the cockpit is absolutely horrible what's happening in there keith what's going on well a lot of the money that's being spent on these planes is going into the cabins first class business class premium economy economy i leave the pilots in the front ups but back in the 60s is that right absolutely what are you dealing with in there take me through

the the chairs that well it's just a rudimentary series of levers and knobs really a few shapes a few wooden blocks, the usual. What's the equipment like in there? You've got some measuring apparatus to be able to see what altitude you're at? Yeah, we've got a tape measure. You sort of drop that out the window, run the window down, roll that down inside the window, see how far up from the ground you are. Now, that still works when you're 30,000 feet in the air.

You've got a pressurised cabin. Well, no, a lot of the time we're just left to guess, isn't it? I see, I see. But all the passengers are so comfortable in their premium economy, even if you're in economy, it's pretty comfortable in our seats where all the money goes. That's right. They don't even care. How warm is it in the cockpit?

Do you stay okay in there? Too hot, too cold, just right? If you put the window down, it does get pretty cold pretty quick. I see, I see. I imagine that may take the plane down also. Well, yeah, a little bit. That's what turbulence is. It's the pilots getting some fresh air.

Yeah, a bit of air. I see. That makes sense to me. Very good. And look, who's your favourite co-pilot? That's the question on everyone's lips. It's got to be Angela. Yeah, Angela.

She's the love of my life. Is she? Yeah. Does she know this? Well, in so many words. It's not entirely reciprocated, but I think she's coming round. I see. You've got to keep a nice professional relationship, though, while you're in the skies.

Try to. Try to. I see. It's hard if you're in love with someone, isn't it? It is, especially when you're in such close proximity. Well, you've got the wind ripping through a plane, moving at 800 miles an hour. You've got a tape measure hanging out the window. You know, you feel a real rush.

You feel a jolt of adrenaline sometimes. You say some things that you might not be meant to say. Is that because you think you're about to die on account of the turbulence? Well, often, yeah. I do get into a bit of trouble sometimes, now and then, for winding down the window. What's the worst thing you've said to Angela, Keith? I love you.

How did she respond? Well, I couldn't really hear her, could I, for the noise of the wind screaming through the cockpit. Did it occur to you she may not be able to hear you either? It hadn't occurred to me. You're telling me there's still a chance. I'm saying there's still a chance. Well, I'm going to go angela i love her see ya best of luck keith not a bad guy fair play to him hey honestly nice to have someone else in the

studio really good stuff really good stuff ah and the movie rages on to bring you run uh just Ages on. To bring everyone just words to escape. Where are we? Carrie, broken up. Miranda, broken up. Charlotte, fine. Samantha, rocky, done. That's where we are. That's right.

It's New Year's. This movie transpires over about 18 months. Is that right? It's about a year and a half. Yeah, about a year, I reckon. Can I year i reckon okay yeah pull me out can i just say this it's either the way that we watch movies or this movie or the mood that i'm in right now but it calls into question what makes any movie good like what is lacking here we've got characters stuff's happening to them isn't that? Aren't we meant to be interested?

You're not supposed to watch a film 25 times. That's the key component. And it actually worries me. Hello? And we're back. And we're back. I'm not sure how long we were offline for that time. This is going to make for a very interesting

and admittedly difficult uh director's commentary to sync up if you're trying to watch the movie who's doing that hopefully honestly what we have recorded is two and a half hours of us struggling to have a conversation with each other while our worst enemy sits in the room i don't know how much of this got picked up perhaps none i'm guessing none but guy just put the question to me that that that that the crisis we are in right now begs the question what makes a good movie we've lost all scope of that i threw back to my man monty the fact that you are not supposed to absorb a film 25 times no wonder it's lacking for enjoyment

despite the fact that there's characters, there's story, there's stakes for the people we're supposed to be invested in. We've seen it 25 times, mate. It's not how you enjoy cinema. Pal. It's true. It's not how you enjoy anything.

It's not enjoyable, guys. A song? A song's enjoyable at least 25 rounds. It's not as long, though. Yeah, that's enjoyable, guys. A song. A song's enjoyable at least 25 rounds. It's not as long, though. Yeah, that's true, actually. That's a good point. A painting? Yep.

Paintings are evergreen. Songs? Poetry? Right up there with music, I'd say. Yep. Jokes? Ah, well, now, I'd put jokes almost in the category of film. You want to be surprised by a joke for it to have the full effect. the category of film Yeah You want to be surprised

By a joke For it to have the full effect That's true You do need to be surprised By a joke All comedy is Is being surprised In the right way

Do you know who said that? Tim Bette? Yeah it was me Truly? Yeah It's not a bad quote Yeah There's an epiphany I had

What do you think about New Year's Eve? Do you buy the hype? I think it's good for humans to retain some ceremonies Yeah, I agree with that I like the function of New Year's Do you set resolutions? No, I do an assessment

You reflect on the year that's been I go back, I go We're at New Year's, how was this one? That's right Do I need back. We're at New Year's. How was this one? That's right. Do I need to make some big changes? How do you feel at the most recent changeover of years? Pretty good. 18 was all right.

18 was big. Got married. Yeah. Huge. That happened at the start of the year. Massive. That is absolutely massive. Not as many professional wins as I would have liked.

Yeah, well, you know, it's tough. It's a tough industry. Podcasting, watching the same movie over and over again. Everything. How do you get to be number one at that? How many people are doing this format now as well? There's a few people who have reached out either saying, do you mind if I do the same idea?

Or, hey, Tim, look at these charlie's doing the same idea as you mate i've said it before and we will say it again you have our blessing go for it yeah honestly we don't own this fucking genre we caught lightning in a bottle once and half of it's out of the bottle good luck to anyone trying to wrangle that other half of a lightning bolt into a bottle ray badger was at my throat trying to convince me that he was going to have the wherewithal to listen to i think like one of our episodes 52 times or all of the episodes 52 times i knew immediately he didn't have the follow-through to do it but he was convinced he was going to do it lo and behold behold, I gave the man about three weeks. He messaged me going, you know what, Tim? I'm not going to do it.

I said, yeah. It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of commitment. That's the thing. Do you know what it represents? Do you know why this podcast is interesting? Why? Well, it becomes good or interesting the same way that anything in life does it's literally just showing up this is the best representation of self-discipline i have from

the last four and a half to five years that is disgusting to me but probably the same for myself absolutely i've not laid out any greater body of evidence that says, hey, I can find something and stick to it. And that breaks my fucking heart. You are having a crisis on Mike. Things are good, guy. You've got love in your life. You live in New York City, the big banana. Things are going all right. That is true.

Look up. New York City is not as represented on film. How is their depiction of New York City and your experience of New York City different? None of these people have roommates. Fucking A. That's one of the first ways this is absolute nonsense. Do they presumably all own their apartments, right?

They're all pretty rich. Miranda's renting. Oh, that's true. That's true. That's true. But she probably co-owns the place in Brooklyn with Steve. Yeah. Yeah, Charlotte.

I don't know how much money Charlotte made. She was a gallerist. Harry is loaded, isn't he? Oh, okay. What does Harry do again? Runkle for the long-time listeners. Entertainment lawyer? Or is that a different show?

That's a different show. That's Runkle. He's a manager or something. I think he's maybe a finance guy. Maybe him and Big would have something to talk about. Steve is a business owner. He runs a bar. Big, famously, the only illiterate stockbroker on Wall Street.

That's a good claim to fame, though, because on Wall Street there's like a thousand brokers and, you know, money shifters. You want one that's got a defining characteristic. You've got to have a unique sales proposition. And being a man still standing after decades, he's still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he can't read. He's definitely got something. I watched a music video for I'm Still Standing this morning. Weird. How was it? It's all right. Elton John.

I feel like it was filmed in Miami. He's a fun guy. Elton? Yeah, he seems like he's got a good energy. I agree. Quite agree. He's a fun guy. Elton? Yeah, he seems like he's got a good energy. I agree. Quite agree. Yeah, I hope we get to continue to enjoy Elton John.

Vitamin water. That's what I was trying to think of. Starbucks. You said it. Smart water. You said it. Vitamin water. I said smart water. Smart water, yeah, true.

Good point. I am interested in how much money they paid, eh? Like, what do you pay to get into sex in the city and the movie the movie i think it was about 15 at the time 15 1 5 us or nz to watch it yeah ah very good the vitamin water to be in there the product placement million one million it's a lot yeah you reckon it's worth it do you think you'll ever have a million dollars in your bank account at one time? No. Not how money works.

Millionaires don't have a million dollars in their bank accounts. They've got assets. What would you do? A million dollars in your bank account is not doing anything for you? I would go to the... Go to the stock market. I'd go to an ATM. I'm pretty sure they've got like a...

It's either $ dollars or two grand limit not to withdraw just to confidently display balance when i am withdrawing just to get mugged i'll tell you about that when i was i was uh waiting to do a show in new york that i was putting on and i went to an atm to get out some cash so that i could tip. And there was a woman in front of me at the ATM who accidentally, like, left. Printed a receipt? She didn't print a receipt. She somehow left her balance on script.

Like, she was distractedly talking to her friends. Yeah, she was just at the ATM in front of me, and I was waiting. I thought she was finished, but she wasn't yet finished. I caught a glimpse of her balance. And? $80,000 sitting in her checking account, coming to watch the show I was putting on. Is it weird I felt entitled to some of her money?

How much did you feel entitled to? If it's anything beyond the ticket price, yeah. You're like, just give me two grand. You've got 80. Exactly. In my mind, I was like, oh, if you enjoy it, just give me like $500. Honestly, it's no skin off your back. Yeah.

But you don't get 80 grand by that kind of behavior. That's what everyone says. Yeah, that's what everyone says. Like, you know, famously wealthy people are also famously frugal these two gals deserve a shout out we drifted really from the intended purpose of this i love the storefront of this cafe as well okay here we are so what you've just missed folks is the scene where samantha gets red dice spilled on you by a couple of i'm gonna go out on the limb and say peter protesters who are um aghast at the use of fur in the fashion industry.

And they're saying fur is murder. Do you wear fur? Not knowingly. Leather? I think I do have some leather items. I think I got some leather shoes made in Vietnam. Lily's a fucking idiot who can't write yet. Well, listen, she's a small child.

Yeah, well... You need to lay off. Do better. It's interesting that French people still haven't figured out how to spell perfume. Without doubt, that's the funniest thing either of us have said this whole time. I think that's the funniest thing I've said in about a year. Oh, boy. Look, you missed it.

All that wasabi. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. That's insane. She's so absent-minded. She's not looking at what she's doing whatsoever. She bladed out like fucking ketchup out of a bottle. Yeah, that is going to...

Are you joking me, mate? That is really going to sting you. Oh, thank God you're throwing it away. That thing is a bottle rocket. Wasabi's got a very unique property as well, where it's different if you have chili spice. Like when you say a spicy food, you're thinking chili. But with wasabi, it's that umami

kind of heat and it it fucking stings the nostrils absolutely it's that palate that upper palate of there is also some sort of synthetic or false wasabi it's horseradish yeah that to me is horseradish what do you mean well it looks like it's out of a tube it doesn't look like the real deal oh Oh, I see. Well, irrespective, they end up with the same sort of heat. It's a gentle kick on a flaccid roll of sushi. I cannot believe

that you think fish is a more acceptable sex food than rice. No, just, yeah. This is going to skew the timeline a little bit, but I've very recently edited up that episode. That poll is, I guess, once, yeah, this is going to skew the timeline a little bit, but I've very recently edited up that episode. That poll is, I guess, once you're hearing this, definitely out and settled, but fuck, man, let's not revisit it,

because whatever happened, happened, and it's in the past now, but it's in the future for us. The timelines are confusing. Glimpse behind the production curtain. It's like the fucking Marvel universe. It's like the Marvel Cinematic Universe trying to keep all the timelines straight in our heads. What's been released?

What's out there? What isn't? This restaurant, we have talked about it numerous times before, but it is fucking hilarious, the amount of balloons they've got. Yeah, I blew all of those up with my own mouth, tied the knots.

The production and set dressing crew were furious how is your breath lighter than air because these are well that's what they said they said those are meant to be filled with helium you idiot we spent the last budget on those balloons so i painstakingly with my own nails and teeth had to undo every single knot I had tied of those balloons, let the air out so that they were still functional balloons. I know it looks like a lot right now, but can you imagine? I tried to get 5,000 balloons into that room. It's too many. Absolutely, it's too many.

I lost 4,000 of them when I was deflating them, leaving 1,000 helium-filled balloons, which are doing the scene that is in front of us right now. Coincidentally, also, where we get the turn of phrase, tying the knot. It's about balloons. This is a moment of revelation between Carrie. Carrie Bradshaw and Miranda.

I'm going to say Shreleki. Hobbs. Hobbs. I was off. say Shrieky. Hobbs. Hobbs. I was off. Only by several syllables and no shared consonants or vowels. This is when Miranda reveals to Carrie Bradshaw over a... Comraderous? Is that an adjective?

A Comraderous Valentine's Meal. We have two women scorned. I don't remember how sad we got during season two. Was it this sad? It was worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, nothing can touch the depths of Sex and the City 2. No shit, man.

As bad as this ever gets, I really don't think we will approach Sex and the City 2's own. That was a unique depression it was bad you're going i can see in your eyes you're like an old war vet remembering yeah losing some comrades it did get really dark but this feels tonally to me as close as i've been since then professionally podcast wise since then i've experienced uh you know upset and sadness in my life my personal life since the sex in the city 2 season but not by virtue of what we're doing have i felt as close to how i remember feeling at that time as i do right now the thing is tail end of this episode we wrap it up not even halfway there we don't have to do

this again sure we don't know i think we should do another dear com i love that fuck that's aspirational we bombed the first one do it again give it another go later this is the open mic of directors commentaries we'll pick it up in the 40s

the unique thing about America two people host a lot of open mics there every open mic starts as an episode of a podcast I would never listen to yeah creative arts at heart there's no doubt about it never really reckoned

with the fact that that dog's got a sweater before samantha's little pooch which never gets a name is wearing a pink sweater they're in the west coast even in the heat of winter that little furball is going to overheat a height of winter i should have said the heat of winter would be a tautology yeah the opposite self-defeating you're hosting a dance party here i am rock you like a hurricane sorry go on you've already answered my question okay what's the question what's the song I play? I'm not going to tell you. Scorpions. Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane. Whoa, whoa.

They don't write them like that anymore. Well, if they do, they don't make the charts. Wow, I wouldn't know that. They don't write them like that anymore. if they do I haven't heard about them It's true It's true of anything Absolutely everybody Everybody everybody

Absolutely everybody In the whole wide world Everybody needs And everybody breathes Absolutely everybody Everybody Everybody world everybody needs and everybody breathes absolutely everybody everybody you know you just sing a song and you think that's okay but if someone who's listening hasn't heard that song before, they're like,

this improv is off the fucking charts. I want to put a lot of heavy rocks in a backpack and I want to put it on my back and I just want to keep walking until I'm in a body of water. Fuck, man. This seems like a real psychological response to the situation you've been put in.

Like real core human behavior. There's something in your reptilian brain which is going i'm not receiving enough stimulus or punishment for what i've signed up for and i need to rectify that that's how it feels a clear shower can you don't get a lot of that these days um certainly not you want to know why because we're living in a post gfc world where we've got to live together because no one can afford property anymore and i am a material girl fucking 80s i got a lot to answer for tell you that for free i tell you what we're not making sense the quality of what we're talking about it's probably gotten down but it feels like there's momentum in the room it It feels like we're trending upward. What is that? It doesn't look like red wine to me.

What, have you got a water bottle in the mix? Yeah. Fuck's sake. It's full of straight vodka, baby. No, it is. Come on, be straight with me. This cab driver is, if I could pick one character in this film

to have a spin-off series, it's him. If I could pick one character in this series who most represents how I feel, it's this guy. This poor bastard trapped in a cab with two people he's beholden to due to the societal constructs that have him in place as a taxi driver, requiring on the fare, paid by these two characters to get him by. Is this a big fly? Look at that thing that's wandered in. That ain't no fly, my friend. What is it?

It's a bird. It's big. That taxi driver represents us. Fucking big insect. The taxi is the podcast. The driver is the host. Okay. Is that us?

Yeah, Carrie and Miranda are Carrie and Miranda. Oh, okay. The cab is us and the driver is also us. Yeah. Miranda and Carrie Carrie and Miranda. Okay. The cab is us and the driver is also us. Yeah. Miranda and Carrie aren't us. No, but we're forced to spend time with these characters against our will. But we have to due to some sort of... Hey, can I say that?

All right, let's look at what's happening. Commercial imperative. Where's the red wine at? Fuck, all right. Put it in my glass! We've got to stay... Okay, we've got to stay. We're getting somewhere.

It's not healthy for us somewhere It's not healthy for us It's not healthy for our Interpersonal relationship Give me your glass I'm giving it to you What do you think Of Steve's posture in this scene This is when we were in

It's fantastic We were in the Relationship I can't believe you Criticised his outfit in this scene One of my favourite outfits In the entire movie Marriage counsellor

Do you know what That sweater's made out of Moe hair Marriage material Oh, that's fucking good stuff from you Fucking A man Fell right into the trap My brain's firing, I'm finally operating at the maximum

He's got it Right when we've got 27 minutes of film left to go probably He's finally woken up Yeah Hey, is this thing on? Because Monty's come to play I'm here Hey, good evening everyone

My name's Guy Montgomery. And I know what you're thinking. I look like what happens when my mum has unprotected sex with my dad. Cue the applause. Shut the show down. It's too much laughter. Bombed it.

Regret it. No, no, no. Edit it out. No, no. Redact it. Listen. I want that joke to just play out as two beeps editing out the material. It'll never happen.

I'm not listening to this thing in secret. Please. Please. How would I even find it? When you see the spikes? You've been screaming to me to put wine in your glass. It's going to spike. I'm not going to search.

So that's one one minute window. Please. You've got to edit that joke out. Mate. Shall we return to the job at hand, which is editing out jokes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not not that. Here's the thing. I love you, brother. Here's the thing about this. This film. If you and me were on the beach sleeping under the stars. Unfortunately.

I'd cuddle up to you so freaking close guy has been defeated by it i have i have here's the thing we're going to battle fucking twice a week now and uh and and he's been defeated i i got owned he got pwned it feels good this is what it feels like to be fighting on the losing side of a war on the last day it's important to know what it feels like to be fighting on the losing side of a war on the last day it's important to know what it feels like it feels fantastic why because you know like because nothing left to fight for absolutely because but there's half a season left because i cared before and now i don't it is a real window into the futility of life nihil is nihilism what you're describing. None of it makes a difference. Fucking hell, man. It's not nihilism. This is bleak.

It just doesn't matter. That's the definition of nihilism. So I'm brilliant. Wait, tell me you fucking love me. I love you, Guy Montgomery. I want to cheers you. I want to cheers you. You're a great man.

Perennially funny that means evergreen and your comedy oh yes here's what else just a good guy just a good dude yes it takes a huge beating heart to reckon with oneself and uh and look oneself in the mirror and say did i fuck up today few people do it you know he does it go montgomery i do do it i do it every day thanks man it's important we all need to get in the uh field of that oh my compliments coming through thick and fast can i say something just flew out the room do you think it was a specter like a biological specter of the compliment i want to tell you something. Go on. That was Coffee Guy? I think that was Coffee Guy. And to this day, I'm upset that you did not agree with me.

I know, I know, I know. I could tell at the time you were upset and I could tell at the time it was going to persist. I was thinking about it yesterday. Fuck. Entirely, yeah, like entirely divorced from the podcast or spending time with you. Just in my own head the thought naturally presented itself you have never as far as I know listened to

one of the podcasts why would I? I have listened to all of them I think to edit them well they're not edited but they're mixed and I recently got to that one that I had to listen to and i was like why didn't you

go with him timbo you should have gone with him absolutely and i even said that on the episode i think i was like i should have gone with you that was that was what that was what stuck out at me as i was like tim always comes with me like i feel like i need to do a better job of going with tim and here i am being like well if i go I go out there, Tim will come with me. He always comes with me. Now, this is the scene that I keep, what it keeps coming into my mind. This is the most stoked I've seen, I've been, this is the most stoked I've been to see a breast. Savor it.

Drink it in. This is Miranda Hobbs. What's her name again? Cynthia Nixon. Cynthia Nixon, who ran for governor. I think it's fucking, like, we need to have more people running for high office who have got nudity of themselves. Well, except for Anthony Weiner,

because that's a different thing. I read an opinion piece recently, written in the New York Times. I say recently, it was a while ago. In the wake of Jeff Bezos' divorce and blackmail scandal, or purported blackmail scandal, it was an opinion piece written by someone who said,

hey, Jeff, leak those dick pics, brother. Yes, dude. Take the power back. Absolutely. Change our relationship to sexually explicit images. He almost did.

Because everyone's putting them out there. He basically did. Everyone's got them out there. As soon as we normalize them, if I release my dick pic as some unknown opinion writer yeah that's not gonna have any impact everyone's gonna think whatever you're the richest man on earth if you show us your penis you put out your dick pics you can change our relationship to them but this is like asking

him to put the second fucking amazon hq in a place that'll actually benefit you missed dante's peak this watch i want to say that yeah i love that you were looking at me but i was looking squarely at that man's penis i got a real strong visual image in my mind of his penis you've seen it it's real nice and i keep thinking it's turgid because it's big but maybe it's just big do you know who's got a massive penis? Go on. The Game. The rapper? Yeah. Okay.

Monster Dong. Did you fuck The Game? No, but I have seen it semi-direct through a pair of briefs. Okay, like in person or? I wish. He posted it to Instagram. Ah. Do you want to see it?

Nah Yeah I'll get it up Okay sounds good This part of the film Is what I call Act 3 Rebirth Charlotte hasn't popped yet We actually forgot to announce

That she was pregnant But if you're a listener To the podcast You'll know that That's a plot point This is the baby shower That Carrie's throwing at her new apartment like new new apartment she has about four apartment changes in this film this is the

one after big and her get the apartment together after she comes back she's i don't know i think it's her old apartment but it's been renovated gave it a paint job got a desk this is the bit where samantha comes back from the west coast and they're like you're fat now but she isn't just very as a viewer very confusing to tease out what's happening it confused me for more than one screening and uh fucking now you're up to speed welcome along viewer the date the 2nd of december 2016 the headline the game keeps posting pictures of his giant dick. The website, Jezebel. The penis?

Why won't that image open? I thought it was going to be BuzzFeed. So you would. Oh, that website's been discontinued. Man, that, oh yeah. Oh wait, what? Jezebel still exists, I think. That cake looks delicious,

and I'm not a cake guy at all i mean you can see it top right look at that photo it's a big dick dude's got a big dick what can i tell you guys are not lying to you but it's not just big it's massive isn't it it's not just big. It's massive. Isn't it? It's a huge penis. Credit where it's due. I wouldn't fuck it. Alright. It's too big. Okay.

You're a scared little boy, Monty. Look. You're a fearful little child. I'm not against people having massive dongs. I just don't want to have sex with them. Fuck you, man. You're a hater. Have I said something wrong? You're a hater. Have I said something wrong?

You're a hater. Dude, have I done something to fuck you off? Because the whole energy in this room has changed. You did all of this. What are you talking about? You've kept it cool. Respect. I've lost it.

You're all good, man. I'm through the looking glass. Mate, good. Show me what's there. Show me some other images I don't know what to tell you man Is it all just the game's big dick? Ask me literally anything

Wall to wall Here it goes AMA Guy Montgomery What do you see? Close your eyes What do you see? It's black

I've got a very blank slate And I'm waiting for your questions To fill out the visuals When I say candy floss You say Candy floss I'm looking say candy floss, you say? Candy floss. I'm looking at candy floss. That is a terrible word association.

Just repeat back. Am I meant to have my eyes open again? If I say cow, you say? Moo. If I say equation, you say? Math. If I say Samantha, you say math. If I say Samantha you say Jones. If I say

the game's big old dick you say awesome. Cool, cool, cool. Open your eyes. You're back in the room. I was in the room the whole time. But if I say the key phrase you will cluck uncontrollably like a chicken. Okay, interesting. And you don't know what the key phrase is. I do not.

This is the breakup of Samantha Jones and Smith Jarrett. Now, is it Jarrett or Jarrett? Because you looked this up recently. Don't remember. Fuck. Jarrett. D.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I thought it was Jarrett this whole time. Interesting fact about this podcast. I thought it was Jarrett for a long time. Here's an interesting fact about this podcast. I thought it was Jarrett for a long time. Here's an interesting fact about this podcast.

It sucks. What the fuck is up with you, baby? Tell me about your day. Hashtag Gmon. Hashtag Bowdatlife. Hashtag living it. What the fuck is this?

Literally, DM me. You've fucking... You've gone... You've gone. Yeah, I'm out. He's out, ladies and gentlemen. The man've gone. You've gone. Yeah, I'm out. He's out, ladies and gentlemen. The man's gone. I don't know if you've had too much to drink or smoke

or if you are appropriately in tune with what's up. Tim, I want to ask you a question. I think it's the latter. How are you? I'm going to ask you a question. I think it's the latter. How are you? I'm going to ask you to back off that mic. I'm fucking over it, man. No, you're good. You're good.

You're good. Keep it up. What's happening? Who's this gentleman? Who's this southern gentleman I'm talking to? Well, I don't know. I can't even find the voice. Hello. Hello.

Hello. It is a pleasure to have you here on the pod. What is your name, sir? Wonderful to be here. Smith Garrison. Smith Garrison. It is an honor to host you. Well, it's wonderful to be here in your beautiful country.

Smith, what is going on with you, my guy? Well, I only flew in yesterday. I was holidaying in London, England. And it was a very long flight, but it's a joy to be here. Now, what do you make of London, England? Because it doesn't strike me as a real place. Not really for me. I was holidaying there for the previous 30 years, and I don't care for myself.

You were holidaying there for 30 years. Well, I was trying to get an accurate representation of what it's like to be in London, England. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. How old are you? 75. You're 75 years old. At the age of 45, you went, I'm moving to London, England for a holiday?

Absolutely not. I said, I am going on a holiday. I said that to my three-year-old boy and his beautiful 35-year-old mother. I said it to my business associates. I said it to everyone I know. You're at the airport. You're ready to go. Do you know where you're going at that point?

London, England. At what point did you discover you were going to London, England? When I booked the flights. Okay, and when did that come? Because you sort of corrected me when I tried to take a little stab at... You didn't tell your loved ones

you were off to London, England. You said, I'm going on vacation. To London, England. Oh, you told them at the... Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Very cool. Now, you were there for 30 years. Three decades.

What did you make of the place? Well, as I said just earlier, it's not really for me. I had one good day. When was it? Give me the date. 1970. No, wait. 1998.

Of course. Mike Myers released Austin Powers, the Spy Who Shagged Me. The UK lost control of Hong Kong, I think. Yep, both happened. Oh, wait. Yeah, no, I think that's right. Oh, man. Tim, it's Guy.

Yeah, no, no, no, it's not. I want to say I love you, man. No, it's Smith. I love you, brother. No, don't cross the streams. It's Smith, surely. Okay. But it is who it is. Smith, man. No, it's Smith. I love you, brother. No, don't cross the streams. It's Smith, surely. Okay. But it is who it is.

Smith, okay. We got a lovely day, one lovely day in 1998. Tell me about it, man. What happened? Did you go on the London? Oh, the London Eye wasn't even up at that point. I wake up at 8.30 a.m., same time I do every day. Yes, sir.

I have myself a stick of Gouda cheese stirred through a cup of black coffee. Gouda and coffee, folks. It is the most sickening combination of viscosity and liquid that you can imagine. Decadence. Hashtag decadence. Very decadent. Well, if I just have the coffee,

it goes straight through me. If I just have the cheese, it gums me up. Yes. I want to have both. I put them together. It's like a coffee fondue it's great man that's a really fun thing to have in the morning well so you think not after 23 years so so so this morning in 1998 where you had a wonderful day in london you kick off with your regular coffee and go to, what happens next, man?

Well, I spend a very confusing 45 minutes in the bathroom. Not quite shitting, but not not shitting. I say, yep. I gotcha. It's a lot of farts. Oh. Man, I'm so juvenile. My brain's in mush.

No, that's good. You took a big old, you know, pseudo-dump And then Well You went to like a Maybe took in some arts at a museum or I absolutely took in some art at the museum I bought a ticket to see Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me

Very cool Headed along to the cinema Now that Mike Myers really cracks me up. You like him, huh? Yeah. You know he's Canadian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's okay, huh?

Why would that be a problem? I don't know. I've met a couple of people with your accent. All right, I'm out of here. See ya. Oh, no, Smith. I'm so sorry, man.

All right, see ya, Smith. I'm not doing that well. He's out the door. I'm really not doing that well. You're coaching me through this. You're great. I'm drinking sorry, man. All right, see you, Smith. I'm not doing that well. He's out the door. I'm really not doing that well. You're coaching me through this. You're great. I'm drinking all of this. Yeah, I believe it.

You have to do it in one. Please don't do it in one. He's driving. He's got a six-hour trip after this, ladies and gentlemen. I've just seen him drink at least a bottle of red. Oh, man. It was a big gulp. Yeah. Why'd you do That was a big gulp. Yeah.

Why'd you do that? Because I'm sad. Yeah, that's the reason most people drink in that fashion. Now, Harry's tie. Still not good. No? Doesn't matter how much booze you put into me, it doesn't matter how sad I feel about the state of the world,

that tie sucks shit. Gutted. Gutted for him and the citrus. Can I make a recommendation, Tim? Go on. Check out Sabrina Jarlies on Netflix. 15-minute special. One of the funniest bits of stand-up I've seen in a while.

All right. That's Sabrina J-A-L-E-E-S. I mean, what's coming to mind is a recent, recent when I say it was in the season of the podcast, an episode where I, like, right at the very end just tried to tuck in. I was like, hey, can I give out a movie recommendation? You were like, absolutely not. And here you are in the middle of a fucking dercom throwing out.

By the way, did we invent the term dercom? It's easier to ask for permission than forgiveness. You've got it round the wrong way. Absolutely we did. Is that us? Yeah. I've never seen it before. That contraction, Dercom.

It's all us. Yeah, boy. That's all you. You're so smart. I respect you. Clever boy, Timber. When I talk about you sometimes, I say I really respect the way Tim is open to being wrong

That's good I reckon that's the The fucking mark of a Smart person Mate It takes a lot of work To be open to being wrong Do you reckon?

Absolutely I'm literally Consciously working on that right now Like It's so much easier To present as Right or at least intelligent or non-controversial or cautious than it is to openly talk about things while still being open to being told that what you're saying is uh dated or inaccurate hey we got to get there bro that's

how we're going to get better we got to make a bit more room for people to be wrong out loud and just let them, you know, don't fuck them up too bad. That's my advice for everyone. Don't fuck them up too bad. Don't fuck them up too bad. Don't fuck them up too bad. Brother. We're all learning.

We're all learning. Now, you've got a fucking thing that you've got. Look at that. Hey, Kerry Bradshaw rocking the hourglass. Hourglass. That's what they're called. You one of those i love this it's like a productivity tool that's right a little bit of self-discipline i find technology slows me down if i turn the wi-fi off yeah often i'll just do it bring people through how you use the hourglass you flip it

over and you i'm going to do a task and i've got this amount of time to do it it's not even that oh the the motivating factor was i thought i want to be more productive i want to have better self-discipline 15 minutes hey yeah i'm listening what's wrong i'm just we've got to finish this wine and the movie's running out guess who's pitching in this This guy. So the logic behind the hourglass, Tim, is I want to be more productive. I want to do more for less. You've come to the right place. Good stuff. Sound like a slogan.

Literally all it was was that I saw these hourglasses and thought, do you know what? 15 minutes a day is such a low stakes commitment. I know no matter the circumstance, I have it in me to do 15 minutes a day. So I bought it in the knowledge that if I flip it, you got to respect the hourglass. If I flip it,

those 15 minutes, it's on, it's happening. And often you'll work for longer than the 15 minutes, but it 15 minutes, it's on. It's happening. And often you'll work for longer than the 15 minutes, but it's renewable. It's just a little trick. A little life hack. I'm not even interested in what I'm saying. No, come on. I'm sorry.

I am listening. No, you're watching the movie. I'm listening to what you're saying about the hourglass and productivity. Power to you. I think it's a good idea. I've started doing it myself, actually. saying about the hourglass and productivity. Power to you. I think it's a good idea. I've started doing it myself, actually. I did the old Silicon Valley thing.

This is the thing. If you want to be successful, just copy what you think successful people do. The little clues they give out, just copy them. I've got a whole bunch of Post-its on a board in front of me. This is to-do, in progress, and completed. You shift them along as you get stuff done. Use a little timer to go like, all right, this,

this poster, I'm going to give myself 10 minutes. That's great. There's something about the physical action of moving it. Right. We are at the end of the film. Not yet. Fuck man.

We got to down some piss. Oh, that's true. I've got to do some, uh, I've got to do work in three hours. Like I got a work meeting. It's not for the podcast.

They don't need to know that. I'm telling you as a friend. I know, but you're doing it on the microphone. Tell me afterwards. What I'm afraid of is... I've got to go to a work meeting. Oh, God, you've got a lot of wine in that glass. So wait, I just got bullied for necking a whole glass of wine.

No, you're right. It was an observation, the most recent one. I was about to pour wine in your glass, and I looked over and I went, you know what, that is beyond full. Would you rather hook up with Chris Knoth or Sarah Jessica Parker? It's a tough question and one historians continue to debate. Would I come down on it? Probably SJP.

Because of where you identify on the sexuality spectrum? I guess it's probably hard to tease out. For me? Yeah. Chris Knoth? Good on you, mate. Looks like a shit kisser, though. He keeps going for the nose.

I don't think he knows how to kiss. It doesn't matter. It's nothing sexual about it. It's pure curiosity. It's also a brag. Do you know, to me, it's a bigger get. Yeah, to be able to hook up with Big than Carrie. Do you know, to me, it's a bigger get.

Yeah, to be able to hook up with Big than Carrie. This JP has got such a stratospheric career compared to Chris Noth, though. Apart from, you know, obviously leading a religion. Oh, I was going to say, apart from obviously being married to Matthew Broderick. Shout out to Matthew Broderick. Shout out. Shout out to Matthew Broderick. Shout out, Ferris Bueller. My brother committed manslaughter in Ireland.

Oh, dude. We don't talk about that. Have we mentioned it? We might have mentioned it in the second season. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy, dude. He killed a guy. It's fucked up, man.

I can't... I don't know who it was. What are you looking for? My phone. I was going to look up the details. Oh, why would you, man? It's so dark. You're fucked up, bro.

You've usually got a pretty good gauge for what to bring to the microphone. I feel like I love the nakedness that you've brought to the pod, to the record. I apologize. You needn't. I apologize not to you, Tim, because you enjoyed it. I apologize to the listener. Do you know what? I'm usually pretty together.

I think I've got not my shit on lock, but I reckon I'm in a pretty good way. Yeah. This has brought out literally the worst in me. What we've just done, whole experience has brought out um what you've heard folks is the worst of guy montgomery i can't imagine accessing this negativity and these awful weird feelings yeah through any other means these specific conditions needed to be created to bring this out Like the next episode's going to be fascinating Because I'm going to feel guilty and weird

I mean we could scrap the whole thing Should we delete it? No Delete the entire thing Put it out there Should we delete the whole podcast mate? Should we take it offline? It's something you taught me

Life is messy Life is messy I would love for this not to be in public Take it offline. It's something you taught me. Life is messy. Life is messy. I would love for this not to be in public. That's why it will be. That's why it's important that it is. I hate this. We are at the end.

We're at the finish line. Do you know what I did say, though? I said that funny thing about French people spelling perfume line Do you know what I did say though I said that funny thing about French people spelling perfume Do you know what folks You can't take that away from him Do you know genuinely I am embarrassed at how proud I am That makes this whole thing Worthwhile to me

Fuck me That's incredible That joke doesn't even work as an out loud joke I think it does It has to be written Oh true Yeah Well unless you've got an educated audience

Like we do Like we do Shout out to everyone at university right now And we do means yes to Shout out to everyone who's joined the workforce instead of going to university Shout out to everyone who's joined the workforce instead of going to university. Shout out to everyone who likes Tim more than me. Massive shout out to everyone who likes me more than Tim.

And the biggest shout out of all to people who like us exactly the same as each other. Bro, we need to drink more wine because we're not done yet. Oh, no, don't do it like that. This is very bad for your day. You're going to vomit, I think. Unlikely. I'll put money on it. Nah, dude. It's above 50%. very bad for your day. You're going to vomit, I think. Unlikely. Oh. I definitely, I'll put money on it. Nah, dude.

It's above 50%. Nah, dude. $20. Hey, dude. I'll give you 20 NZD if you don't vomit today. Great. We've just shook on it,

everyone. Easiest $20 I've made in my life. He's downed, because this is our guys consuming the wine. Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter,

ignore that I'm holding a glass of red and fucking just sink the entire thing in a gulp. It wasn't like that initially. This whole thing went poisonous in the last 45 minutes for me. It's not been good though. None of it. Oh, fuck. What have we got? Oh, we're going to make it.

Just. Well, when they toast, we got? Oh, we're going to make it. Just. Well, when they toast, we toast. When they drink, we drink. We're drinking to Samantha's 50th birthday. This is the worst director's commentary we've ever recorded. That's right. And once we watched Sex and the City 2 twice consecutively. Fuck.

Wait, what? Shout out to us for making this worse Than our 5 hour energy What the fuck? I completely forgot about that Every season we're supposed to like add another watch No Do not look at your watch I don't know what have you got on?

I can't Technically what have you got on? I've got a 6 o'clock I mean like what's on at 6 no because you'll dismiss it what is it I'm working on my show with the great no that's fair

with the great Alice Sneddon that's absolutely fair do you need to do prep for that to get into it I have to not drink two more bottles of red wine I'm not suggesting that I'm actually suggesting we sober up live on air. Oh my fuck.

I hate you. No, no, no, no. What's the time? No. It's three. I'm sick. It's not even three. It's just gone three.

I'm sick at the idea of it. It'll bring you to 520. You've got a crisp 40 minutes. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll just shunt the slider back. We'll be all good. No. We'll be all good.

No. It's not our best work. And also, in addition, you know, there's the fact that I forgot that we're supposed to We've got to drink this wine real fast before the credits roll. All right, shit. Fuck me We just made it That was awful

Oh we're done We're good What a journey we've all been on All of us together So here's what's going to happen now No The movie's going to start again And if you're listening at home I don't know how to time this actually Because we've The movie's going to start again.

And if you're listening at home, I don't know how to time this actually because the recording got a bit fucked up, but no, we're going to make it to zero now. No. We just have a good rhythm together, you know. He sort of feels me out, I feel him out. And we go for it.