The Worst Idea Of All Time - 25: Emmanuelle in South Africa?

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Guy has been on childcare duty which puts a real damper on watching pornography. Tim has been cheating on the podcast by guesting on shows. Emmanuelle however, is up to her old tricks in Emmanuelle 2000: Jewel of Emmanuelle in which she is revealed to be a diamond collector. The Mind Control Device made of plastic (or opal) and a flashing LED bulb is revealed to have some technical limitations (sorta like a cellphone, I guess?) and the guy who played The Sultan in Emmanuelle in Paradise is revealed to be a talented and multifaceted actor. The pesty George Lazenby is here, as per usual, and he is doing some questionable stuff with giraffes at the local zoo.TWIOAT Live show in Auckland (20 May): qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello everybody Am I everybody? I like that Hi Tim I represent the public And you, yourself The 25th Emmanuel we've watched Do you realise that?

That makes sense to me Because the more porn I watch The more I feel like I am accomplishing something. Yeah. Are you starting to get that buzz on, that mid-season worst idea glow where it feels like you're actually doing something with your time? 25 is an admirable number. There's no denying it. I don't think I'm doing anything with my time.

My favorite number. Ever? Yeah. What's your birthday? 19th. Where's 25 come from? Yeah. What's your birthday? 19th. Where's 25 come from? I'm not sure. I don't know.

I think it's like the fives. When you, yeah, yeah, that's nice. Some numerologist out there will be able to. Can I ask you, when you were a boy and you were controlling the volume on your TV at home. We've had this conversation on this podcast. And what were you? You were, oh, let me guess. You were odds.

There's a hierarchy, of course. Your zero's on top. You're divided by five second place. And then you're evens. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry to quash this. No, no, no.

I just feel like it's one of those things where someone listening out there will be like, you fellas have fucking covered this ground. What do you fucking expect? I feel like I spent half my life talking to you. That is the correct ranking system, by the way. It is, isn't it? And it's seemingly universal. We didn't discuss it as a species.

We didn't get together and put it to committee vote. It's just an anti-UNA. Yeah, a nice way to organize numbers. We fucking love numbers, man. Human beings. We're built for that. Well, I mean, put it to committee vote. It's just a nice way to organize numbers. We fucking love numbers, man. Human beings. We're built for that. I mean, we invented them. So why not enjoy them?

Why not exploit the thing we created? It literally divvies up everything, doesn't it? A number. We love to categorize and make our little groups. Count our little groups. That's right. Would you rather go without numbers or letters? I'd rather go without numbers, I think.

Well, I came in so hot and then midway through I was like, I should actually have a good think before I lock it in. So I did. And if you've gone for numbers over letters, then how would you be talking to me right now? No, I've dropped numbers. I'm retaining letters. Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah. That, to me, that feels like the Wild West. Dropping numbers. I'm retaining letters. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. That, to me, that feels like the Wild West. Dropping numbers? Yeah. I think it's good. Numbers, to me, they speak of hierarchy. And letters, to me, speak of artistic expression. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Numbers box us in, man. Yeah. And letters will set you free. Absolutely. Fuck. It's good to come out and be on the same page. I'm so sorry that I've taken off my shoes and socks. It's incredible.

You've done it as soon as we've started recording. We're going to move them. Right after you've closed the door in what is famously a real sweatbox of a studio. It's a weltering studio. So yeah, we've watched 25 pornographic films. Today, we didn't watch it together although we are together in person right now what a journey tim tell me about your viewing experience the cinema in which you appreciate appreciated sorry emmanuel 2000 the jewel of emmanuel this

was an interesting one because i was on a different podcast today i watched a am i allowed to mention a film that isn't Emmanuel on this? Yeah It's called The Quiet Earth Did anyone fuck? Yes Yeah Okay

There were a couple fucking scenes I think Go ahead But they were tastefully done Okay Have you heard of it? It's a New Zealand film From 1985 starring Bruno Lawrence Directed by Jeff

What's his name? Who did Goodbye Pork Pie. Ah, yes. He has a son now who directed the reboot of Goodbye Pork Pie. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. I know. I didn't see that one.

People love doing that. They love having sons or daughters or... Intergenerational directorships. Anyone, yeah. But The Quiet Earth ruled So I watched that for a different pod Who the bloody hell are you talking to movies about that's not me? Alfred and Chris

Parker? No Chris in America Oh yes Who is a record I'm going to fuck up his last name But it's like Gilbrati It's Italian

I never say it out loud. And you didn't say it on the podcast. I don't say people's full names. Sometimes you say you're a real piece of shit guy, Montgomery. Yeah, that's you though. And it's part of me insulting you. Wouldn't come in with a kind of hate on a guest. Do you no longer see me as a person?

When you're like, I don't say people's full names. Yeah, I guess I don't. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay. You're just a podcast entity. I don't say people's full names. And then you... I guess I don't. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay. You're just a podcast entity. Can you plug his podcast?

Yeah, it's cool. No, no, sorry. I was asking that question for myself. Absolutely not. You can't. Okay, gotcha. No, it's mean to you, which is fun, but it's not nice to Chris. Oh, so you asked me a question and I'm answering it. So I watched that movie

in two helpings because i had a bit of a hectic day today so i watched that as i was drifting off to sleep last night oh well we had to bed at midnight and watch half of it and then fell asleep and then got up very early to go on the radio and then watched oh yeah watched the second half of the quiet earth as i was walking to the radio station. Of course. Phone in hand, Bluetooth headphones. Yeah. Making me perilously close to killing myself in traffic.

Man of the people. And then fucking Hot Tail, that's not it, Hot Wheel. I tailed it back home to watch a pornographic film of my choosing and then recorded the podcast with those guys. Right after you'd watched Emmanuel. Yeah. Were your wires crossed at all? I think I keep my shit together because I took a lot of notes for Emmanuel, but not

for The Quiet Earth. So you'd filed away all of your Emmanuel thoughts here and then you had all of your Quiet Earth thoughts over here. You got it. Do you prefer guesting on a podcast or being a host of a podcast? I like hosting, eh? Really? I like both, to be honest.

But with hosting, because you just know exactly what temperature the water is. Yeah. And you can control it. If it's too hot, you can turn the other tap. You wouldn't turn the taps on another person's bath? Not my place. Oh, wow, really? Not my place Oh wow, really? Not my place to do it

What would you say? This is a bad analogy Because I don't know what kind of bath I'm getting No, no, I like it It belongs to someone else Would you not But I'm entering But I cannot adjust the tap

Can you not cautiously say Hey, you guys finding it a bit hot in here? God, it's so hot What is the podcast equivalent of that? I don't know Like a conversation you're uncomfortable with Just stop down everything that's happening And go hey guys

This is actually a bit freewheeling For my liking So if we could just stay on path Literally how I open If I guest on anyone else's podcast I do not like the freewheeling nature Of these introductions I always thought you were doing it ironically

But Gar Montgomery No man He hates momentum in podcasts. I'm famously a big Law & Order podcaster. Yeah. Chaotic evil. Yeah. Or lawful evil.

Lawful evil. That's probably better. So you just watched it here in the studio? Sure did. Big old screen. Yeah. Big old speakers. Big old...

Tiddies! Tiddies! Yeah, speakers. Big old... Tiddies. Tiddies. Yeah, yeah. That was the nature of this. And took scrupulous notes. A substantial amount of notes. Scrupulous is like you've observed it very closely. Yeah.

So I suppose you did. It was a scrupulous watch then, and my notes are... Extensive? Voluminous. Whoa. What's voluminous? Like the adjective of volume. Big.

A large volume of notes. You should say big. Lots. Fantastic. I did not experience sort of this... You're hotter for watch. Cinematic equivalent of Emmanuel 2000. It's not even the jewel of Emmanuel.

I believe it's just jewel of Emmanuel. You got it. No, so I... You've been in No, so I... You've been in planes, trains, automobiles? I have. Two out of three ain't bad. I knew I had to watch this all day.

It's only two out of four. Planes, trains, automobiles. I'm wrong. Yeah. And that would make me correct. So, yeah, I was traveling back from Dunedin, which is where I woke up this morning. I woke up very early.

And Olive and I, who is my stepdaughter, I suppose is the appropriate terminology, we flew back from Dunedin to Auckland. And I knew I was under some amount of time pressure to watch a porno today. And obviously, if it's just you and your five and a half year old child there's not a lot of vacant windows where you can sort of skive off to enjoy you know the sensual offerings of emmanuel at all and so and i like that you're still phrasing it as if this is like a by choice watch no emmanuel is something to be enjoyed well enjoyed. Well, I occupied an interesting space where we sort of, you know, from morning I knew until I dropped all of it school

that I was not going to be able to watch this porn. And I didn't want to watch the porn, but also everything that got in the way of me watching the porn was a frustration to me. I know what you mean. And so it was a very sort of interesting equation. And we got caught on the tarmac for close to an hour. Which is prime movie watching time. Well, it is.

But I tell you what, it's already in the world of a five-and-a-half-year-old in New Zealand, the two-hour flight from Dunedin to Auckland is substantial. But you throw an hour on that of just sitting still, you have got to have a deep bag of tricks to just try and usher this five-and-a-half. You know, like their concept of time is totally different from ours. Ten minutes is a long time. Yes, it is. An hour, three hours, and the whole time i'm just

becoming frustrated at the plane at the airline i'm thinking how can you simultaneously frustrate me by ensuring i have to you know somehow conjure an extra hour of entertainment value out of myself while delaying my ability to watch this porno. And how did it go? Well, the flight. Well, your ability to sort of distract a five-and-a-half-year-old for that amount of time. That went great.

And I've got to say, Oliver's a delight. I was fantastic. We were a real dream team. You're a good duo. You're a powerful duo, actually. We are an incredible duo. And we had a lot of laughs. We had a lot of good times.

And I got her to school. And then I was going to come around and watch incredible duo. And we had a lot of laughs. We had a lot of good times. And I got her to school. And then I was going to come around and watch it here. And you said, I'm busy. I'm recording a podcast. Sorry. And I thought, no. But then I thought, do you know what? Actually, I haven't had any lunch.

I can't arrive here hungry. You don't want to podcast hungry. You don't. I like to perform stand-up comedy hungry, but you don't want to podcast hungry. And so I went to a cafe and I watched it. I tried to watch it on my computer. Honeydine. No.

Ripe. No. I tried to watch it on my computer, but there was an unstable Wi-Fi connection. And so I had to watch it on my phone. I had a salad and I watched some porn. And about halfway into the porn, I started looking around to see if there were any cameras that were trained on what I was doing because I figured it looked pretty sus. It doesn't look great. It does not look good.

It's kind of a good thing we're locked away at the moment while we're doing this season. Less travel. Yeah, yeah. Because we would be in Australia by rights right now. We would. Preparing for or performing in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Which is happening right now, by the way. If you're in Melbourne and you're listening, I know that you've been waiting for something to do

for quite a long while because you famously had a hell of a lockdown last year. Get out there and support some of your Australian comedians. And enjoy them as well. It's not just about biffing. It's not charity. You'll have a good time. And if you're a member of Australian Parliament right now,

pull your fucking finger out. Jesus Christ. You lot need a clip around the ears. They really christ well that's not what you need a clip around they really do that's not what we had to talk about anyway all that to say that it was an interesting day and that i like that you waved a political carrot in front of my face and then you're like oh tim's got a whiff of it that's right i um i was frustrated not to be watching the porn and then as soon as i was watching the porn, it did not provide the powerful sense of relief I thought it might. I was like, oh, that's right.

It's porn I'm watching. I'm watching porn. And not good porn. No, but the more I watch this Emmanuel 2000 series in English, the more I think, maybe the porn's not great, but the plotting is a lot of fun. The movies, you know, they're movies. They're real stories being told here. Absolutely. And they're distinctive.'re real stories being told here absolutely and a distinctive

three-act structure every time so distinct in fact you could argue that it is three individual films happening within the one film yeah banded together under one title and it is so again it was you know it was different but the same as last time probably there was probably, I feel like, a more fluid through line in today's films. That's true. Where the transitions were taking place, where those connective scenes were taking place, were geographically in the same spot as where the previous scene had been. It wasn't just like suddenly.

Sort of. To paint some broad strokes for everybody, we open Act 1 in South Africa because Emanuela suddenly... I don't think we were in South Africa. Can you move that? There was a beer next to the mixer, everybody. Not what I was going to say. She was waiting on a South African,

but I believe she was in America. That's why, because she was getting a diamond. So I was like, South Africa makes sense. The guy was travelling with the diamond from South Africa. He was some sort of South African diamond magnate. So did we find out where they were in that first place? I have reason to believe that they were on the west coast of America somewhere.

Where exactly? I could not say. And then we're on a ski field for Act 2. And then we're still there I think. No, Act 2 we're on a train. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So we're on a ski field for act two. And then we're still there, I think. No, act two, we're on a train. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So we're on the coast. And three is the mountain.

As a holiday, this kind of makes sense. Some holidays, you know, you might be on the beach for a little bit, and then you catch the train to the mountains. That's true. This is California. You can enjoy the best of both worlds, a la Miley Cyrus. Chill it out, take it slow, catch the train, and guess what? At the end of that train ride, you're ready to rock out the show.

Do you know that Dolly Parton is Miley Cyrus' godmother? That fucking rules. Yeah, kind of makes sense. Miley Cyrus is, the machine tried to cheer her up and it didn't work. She survived. I know. And it's fucking, you love to see it. She didn't just survive, but she's like, hey, I'm fucking stronger for this.

Yeah, yeah. She's the shit, eh? I watched a fantastic NPR Tiny Desk with her the other week. She's fucking cool, eh? She's really cool. She was a lot cooler than Patty. We got the wrong tat. Oh, good point.

I live in fear that he's going to do something cancelable. That's fine. Then we can just get one of those big circle signs with a line through it that's like, do not enter. On our tush. Yeah. That's funny. On our tush.

But yeah, so it's your 3X structure. She meets the South African diamond magnate On the coast of California somewhere I'm assuming And he's got a very valuable diamond to give her The reason that she is acquiring the diamond I mean, apart from that it has value She has a collection She mentions this

She's like, this would be great in my collection It's like, who is this woman? She's got this weird We have been ascribing to magic, which we now know is actually a technological wonder, the device that allows her to take over people's minds and sort of enter their heads at a distance as long as they're wearing a very shitty flashing bit of jewelry.

And unless she expressly tells the people, they don't appear to be totally across what's happening. No. They feel like they may be having a minor this is a wonder woman 1984 situation where there is a lot of moral ambiguity about what we're doing with these unsuspecting people's bodies because she's sort of when that when she enters their minds slash bodies she can see through their eyes when she's in their minds often they will either be talking to themselves with their inner monologue or to their sexual partner in a way that confuses everyone except Emmanuel. Very odd because so this happens multiple times in this film and it hasn't happened before this one.

that Emmanuel beams dialogue into the recipient's head, but then people around the recipient hear it through the recipient's voice, but the recipient hasn't moved their mouth. Yes. It's so confusing. It's an incredibly powerful technology that is also a little bit buggy. Yes, it is. Because we discovered today for the first time ever that it has limitations of distance,

which suggests to me it is operating on some sort of radio frequency a la Bluetooth or FM. This is quite a forward-looking franchise. Last time we had this guy, this medical sort of marvel who was trying to figure out the code for DNA. I mean, he was a scam artist, but he was using modern terms to do it. Big ideas. And today, Emmanuel, I mean, she's got this buggy technology using modern terms to do it Big ideas And today Emmanuel I mean she's got this buggy technology But also at the end of the film

She has a marvellous romantic tryst with a guy And he's like How will I see you again? And she goes Well You can always check my website I fucking missed that I tuned out a little bit at the end

And he's like What? She's like Yeah You gotta roll with the times And he goes okay did she say what the website is i'm assuming no she doesn't because that would be like amazingly meta and from a business sense pretty onto it as well to say my website is emmanuel2000.com i think they were more into acknowledging the internet exists

than using the internet to harness its power. But even that was pretty forward thinking. It's sort of like, you know, it's right at this period of time because it's always bothered me in American films how they say, all right, should I pick you up later tonight? And they go, yeah. And then they walk away. And these are strangers to each other

until this moment i'm like you don't have their number their address there is no actual bona fides to this plan to get it off the ground and this is the website equivalent of that so they're somehow championing this traditional american cause of not knowing where or who each other are google algorithm is in its infancy you're trying to find a woman based on the scant amount of information you have right now? What is that? It's an impossible task. Is that the characters don't want to be vulnerable or ruin their smooth moment by saying,

hey, just so you know, you haven't said your address. If you just say your address, then I could actually come and pick you up. Yeah, I think it's one of those things that you ascribe to movie magic. Because if you have to stop down and answer all those details, it's just a real drag. The magic of movies. The magic is they don't make sense. Movie magic, because if you have to stop down and answer all those details, it's just a real drag. The magic of movies. The magic is they don't make sense. The question is, did this movie magic up a boner for the boner inspector?

I'm not ready for him. Okay, I'll be back shortly. Toot toot. Get out of here, boner inspector. I was just busy myself talking to these people in the cabin over here. you um did you enjoy the fact that we had some return actors this time this guy the sultan yeah i've got his name here anthony scordy i think it is okay he's not just the sultan he was in the it was in the one where emmanuel's in like san francisco and. The Love of Art? Yeah, the one that was in German or Russian. Is that being Emmanuel?

It might be. No, Paradise. Paradise is Emmanuel in Paradise. He was in that one too. Yeah, so he's the sultan in that one. He's Emmanuel in Paradise. Because, guy, I was like, he's the sultan in one of these. And then I started looking it up and I was like,

oh no, this one's in Japan. And then I forgot that each one of these movies is three movies because the one in Japan is the one with the Sultan I know and he is in all of the movies

not just the three movies contained in every movie but so is our friend who hid a bunch of women in commercial kitchens in the last movie

he comes back as the mysterious train fucker oh is that are you sure yes you researched it no i just it's got the same face it's the dude i was watching it on a cell phone so i couldn't quite put the pieces together but those two those were some unethical dudes oh the train robbers yeah this is a let's get a load of the movie written by a woman named jill and she wrote some pretty dicey characters. Simpler time.

You know what's crazy? Simpler, I guess. These movies, I guess they were made in 99 or 2000. Or maybe like within the early 2000s. They were made

after The Matrix. How crazy is that? As shit as they look and are, things are supposed to get better over time. I don't know that these movies had the same ambition

as The Matrix. Or the same cultural reach. Although some of these on various different websites where you can watch them have up to 3 million views. Yeah. I noticed that.

The one we watched today. Not so much. 800,000. Still. It's on there. It's not a bad innings. It's not zero. One thing that this movie, I believe, had in common with the Matrix trilogy

is a UK dance act called Fluke. And some of the soundtracking in this movie in particular, I was like, they're doing Fluke, which is such a weird sound to rip off because they were so, they weren't like, they were short-lived as an act, but their popularity was like a day. I know, but yeah, I mean, I don't know a lot about fluke, is it? But I was loving the soundtrack. It's great, eh? It's kind of like Acid House. And yeah, and it's, it's also admirable.

It's kind of like acid house. Yeah, and it's also admirable. The fashion isn't quite doing the same thing, but it's so dated, and it really grounds it so much in that 2000s era. It's really satisfying. It's like a period drama. Yeah. I mean, of course,

moving back in 2000 now is a period piece because that's 21 years ago, and technologically, that is a very specific moment in time the 2000s. People were talking into makeup compacts. Frequently. Because of the

video tally calls. If you remember this roaming international romantic had developed a system of plastic and opals by which she could telepathically enter the minds of others and sometimes speak through them. You fucking wish there was an opal in that. What is it?

Lousy LED. It's plastic. It's plastic from way to go. It's all plastic? There's no opal in there? What is an opal? It's an Australian mine. Is it a rock?

It's a rock. It's like a semi-precious stone. Semi-precious. They've got nothing. I know. They're clutching at absolute stores there. I know, but in Australia, they have to be valuable. It would be like if we started claiming that greywacky was worth anything.

It's just mountain. It's mountain dirt. But if you look into an opal, it's like looking into the rainbow of an oil spill. Beautiful. Yeah, which is a satisfying reminder that we have total dominion over our planet you guys remember when the bp deep water horizon oil spill happened and killed the marine life like a five square kilometer radius it reminds me of looking directly would you like to have that immortalized in bracelet or necklace form you're in luck have we got the semi-precious stone

i've got a note about um that guy who the recurring the guy who was having sex with a lot of women a lot of commercial kitchens yesterday or last week whenever the hell we watched it or you listen to it uh he seduces emmanuel or she seduces him. Hold up. Are we talking about the right guy? Are you talking about the guy she has... Sex was on the train. Is that the guy who orders ice cream and chocolate sauce?

On the train? Yeah. She orders a fruit platter, and he orders ice cream and chocolate sauce. Okay. I don't remember his order, but is it... There's a scene where they meet in a dining carriage. Yes.

And they don't know each other. They just sit down to eat. She sits down and he goes and sits down next to her. And they're drinking from the world's largest champagne flutes. That is correct. Oh yeah. So that's not the guy with all the commercial kitchen women. Oh, okay. But that guy anyway, he's a, he's a, he's a no good, you know, he's a, he's a rough,

he's a ruffian. He's a train robber. But he seduces Manuel. He's a roughian. He's a train robber. But he seduces Manuel. Manuel seduces him. It's a beautiful power dynamic where they both want the same thing and they're both asking for and getting the same thing. And that thing is sex, you will, intercourse. That's right.

And they go into a room and they start having sex. And then just when it's getting really hot and heavy, she's told him that she's an author. Sorry, just one detail to add in there. You've got to fuck somewhere. You're on a train. Where are you going to go? You're going to go to the bathroom.

What do they bring with them? A plate of strawberries. Wow. Into a fucking toilet on public transport. Respectfully, they don't even use it. Respectfully. Thankfully. Chekhov's gun.

Emmanuel's food. It is just there to remind you that they could at any moment start fucking plugging each other's assholes with strawberries for the first time they do i'm so sorry i know you're going somewhere else with this but just to mention it at the start 18 minutes in i think i'm getting out scot-free with a food free fuck fest incorrect because the couple have sex at the start of the film and then the guy goes i'm starving like immediately after he comes and i was like oh no this again and she's like great idea i was like you guys are still coming on each other here this is crazy but anyway sorry well i mean no this is

that was an important scene it's all by the by train robert's getting really hot and heavy she's told him that she's an author and just when things are about to heat up he's like like they're actually almost in the throes of passion he's like what sort of books do you write and i just think it is such a bold question to ask an author you've just seduced like i just imagine her being like well i write sort of non-fiction books that focus on the plight of, you know. The immigrant diaspora. Yeah. Abandoned tribes who live in Central America. Yes. And you're like, oh, baby. Tell me how detached they are from technology.

It was a very risky move, but to his credit, it paid off because Emmanuel's answer was sex. She's not a writer. She writes books about sex. She has sex. Yeah, but she says that she's a writer. I think she's lied. A sex writer.

And it's worked. Is that a thing? A sex writer? Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Have you not heard of the TV show Sex and the City? Can I ask you a question? She was writing about relationships, first of all.

Second of all, what's going on with these footsteps in these movies? Because I've noted it down for a few, and I don't think I've brought it up on the podcast before But for some bizarre reason Everything else is pretty normal But the sound of the footsteps in this film Are so much louder than anything else Different Foley artists They've definitely been overdubbed

They got the footstep specialists. I don't understand why it's so critical for us to hear the footsteps. Well, can you imagine if everyone was swanning around in silence? You'd think, what is this movie set exclusively in socks? I would not even think. I wouldn't for a moment drift mentally toward that. It's so strange. Nothing frustrates me more than thinking

that an entire movie has been performed in socks. And so to me, every clomping footstep that is on the offbeat is a welcome reminder that in the cinematic world of Emmanuel 2000, these characters have access to and constantly wear loud shoes. They're walking on marble. They're walking on wood.

They're walking on concrete. Anything they're walking on marble. They're walking on wood. They're walking on concrete. Anything they're walking on is a satisfying clank. The footwear on ground. Nothing worse than watching a porno where everyone's padding around a heavily carpeted house in their thick pajama socks. Yeah, there's only one thing worse than that, and that's involving food play with every sex scene you have in your porno. I really feel like we were spared this time from that because they threatened it multiple times

and then we didn't get it. So we train robbers and then this man, after he I was going to say beds Emmanuel, but they fuck in a toilet Can you tidy something up for me? I'd love to. What is the outcome and resolution? Like, what is the connectivity or alternatively outcome and resolution of the diamond storyline?

Okay. Emmanuel acquires a diamond. She gets a diamond right at the start. It's so weird, the pacing of this one. All of them, really. But she gets a diamond at the start. Along with the diamond, the diamond dealer, who also is in the other movies,

and I've forgotten who he is in the other ones. No one's seen these. This is purely for us. No one gives a shit. You know what? I reckon these guys would have had a lot of fun on set. It's a real community vibe. And, like, everyone's getting their kit off all the time.

Acting and playing and sucking and fucking. Just 80 of your closest friends making seven films at once. I think it would have been a good time. Unless someone got crabs midway through the shoot. Or before. Even then. There's a movie where they talk about shaving your pubic hair will not get rid of crabs. Trust me.

I can't remember what it's from. Sounds like American Pie. Yeah. So we got a diamond at the start the diamond dealer gives emmanuel a double like a fake diamond as well just because she gets robbed which is pretty smart because in the very next scene she gets robbed she gets held at gunpoint in the elevator descending from her transaction gives the guy a fake diamond then um she sort of intervenes with this couple who she meets the woman at the pool and then mind controls her because she slips the diamond into her bag, that woman's bag. I think to kind of like get it the fuck out of here for a while.

Away from her. Away from her and the thief. Yeah. In case the thief comes back. Makes sense. So then she puts the device on and gives the woman the necklace so that she can like track her. And that's the bit where we discover it's got like a radio limitation

to it. So when she's starting to drift out of distance she's like, no no, you gotta come back to the pool because you're getting too far away from me and my powers won't work and then you'll have my diamond so she forces her to come back which confuses the boyfriend and then she has to like negotiate this whole situation around them

Those guys are in a toxic relationship. It's fucking whatever. It's fine. Who cares? But Emmanuelle is like, she fucks up a lot of people in this movie. I know, but Emmanuelle, because I sort of have an implicit trust of Emmanuelle's character

through the entire franchise, where it's like her heart is frequently in the right place, and she sort of does have a deeper understanding of human relationships and sex than most. But in this instance, it's like these two are not a good match. The guy is up to no good at all. He's fine. And they have some sort of blowout, and then they have sex,

and they go, how good is makeup sex? Yeah. And to me, I'm thinking alarm bells here. I'm thinking. Because this is happening so frequently. Yeah. And then Emmanuel's like on the train and she's going, another happy couple in love.

Yes. They're not in love. Emmanuel has got some emotional issues because she keeps seeking out these couples who she thinks are in love so that she can put the device on them to feel what love's like. Because she's just going around having meaningless sex all the time. She needs a boyfriend or girlfriend. She needs

a committed relationship with someone. I feel like that's what is the driving the hidden driving force of all these films. I think the driving force of the films is that she's sort of, she's experiencing life the way that anyone might fantasize they could experience life as this international

traveler. Grass is always greener.er it's like this is your ultimate fantasy being a diamond trading art collecting fuck machine fuck machine who befriends sultans and vagabonds alike and just travels the earth on some confusing person's dime. Answers to Maggie and Philip, free movie for no reason in particular. In the Caribbean. By a pool. Constantly. But you see it.

And then the whole moral of this is, since she's got everything you think you want, she's not happy. She keeps seeking out these couples because what she really wants is lasting relationships. She's not unhappy though you never see her in angst i think she's unfulfilled wow maybe i don't fucking no no no dude it's just porn no this is that 25 milestone this is us all of a sudden this is the abyss looking back at us is what this is it's not meaningless it's the talk of someone with a screw loose, i.e. myself.

You're running scared because all of a sudden there's meaning in the depths of our softcore pornographic franchise. Much like Emmanuel when faced with the possibility of getting what she wants, a committed relationship. I run the other way when I find meaning in what I'm doing. Where the fuck were we with the plot? The thieves yeah so this is the worst bit i know you were tidying up the diamond outcome oh fuck i don't even know man i i literally don't know i know how to tie this i don't know so they abandon the diamond plot well they don't because emmanuel gets the diamond back so that's like a neat little everything's solved. So that's like the 20 minute mark. And then

we go to the then we're like, immediately we're just in a train. It's like, okay, cool. And Emmanuel's watching this couple canoodling. And they start fucking. Big time. Just on the train while Emmanuel's sitting next to them and a server keeps coming

around taking drinks orders. They don't care. No one cares. It's crazy. It's a train. This is public transport. What would you do? Not fuck on a train? No, you're not in the couple.

You're Emmanuel. Oh. Well, what do you mean? What does she do? She just watches for most of it. Yeah, what would you do? Oh, like, would I interview? I'd move.

But I'm not saying she should. I'm just saying the couple probably shouldn't fuck out in the open on a train. We got a word for you. Proved? For people like you on trains. What? Yeah. Approved.

Okay. I got there. Got there early. So then I am trying to remember how the diamond ties into this. Maybe it doesn't at this point. But she fucks train robber guy number one, Who we don't know is a train robber Until Respecter

They have fucked And then he takes Her Handbag Passport I think Makeup Wallet And inadvertently

The dime No necklace Yeah The necklace The magical necklace But not the diamond Maybe the diamond Oh no he does get the diamond

There it is He does get the diamond You should have seen his eyes light up like a diamond in the sky. So he's teamed up with this other guy, and this is grotesque in the extreme. But the other guy, they're in this fucking, they're in a, I don't know, what would you call it? Apartment? Cabin? A basement, it looks like.

A room? They're in a room. Two guys in a room. Train robber number one, train robber's friend. Train robber's friend has a woman coming over, so train robber hides behind a curtain, and when train robber's friend is having sex with this woman who's come around, train robber pulls out a camera and starts taking snaps of them

without her knowledge whatsoever. They fuck to completion. She leaves. This is a plot to blackmail the woman. It's something that they do on the, like there is a system. Yeah. Crazy stuff. And Emmanuel, through the power of her necklace technology.

The guy has put the necklace in his pocket, I think, and then the woman discovers it. She's like, this is pretty. She puts it on. So now Emmanuel is in her head. She's on the inside. And she can see through her eyes feel through her clitoris and absorb the world through her mind and occasionally

instantly communicate through her externalized subconscious yeah it was fucking confusing hey so that happens and then uh emmanuel's like well i better get this bag back that's got my diamond in it and And so does. And then we're in a ski shell. She's also like, I should have got those. She also leaves the photos. She's like, I should have got those photos. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Maybe she deserved it. And you think, Emmanuelle. Yeah, that was weird. Because she's like. They made a real point of putting her on the wrong side of history. But making it explicit. Because Emmanuelle says out loud, it's like,

this is a horrible thing to do to a woman. This is terrible. I should really get those photos. Oh, well, maybe she deserves this. Yeah, maybe she deserves to be put down a peg or two. It's like, Emmanuel, you're not the only person who gets to fuck robbers on a train.

Green does not look good on you, girlfriend. Run and ski, shall I? Finally. Powder white. That's where the train's gone. I guess that's true. This plot involves the Sultan from the other movie, who now is a totally different guy.

He's a count. He's a what? He's a count. Is he? Yeah, he's a count. I love that he's always got a title. He's always fancy. He's a great actor, and he's a great actor in this.

And his sister's been kidnapped, and she's got a ransom of a million dollars. He's a great actor and he's a great actor in this and his sister's been kidnapped and she's got a ransom of a million dollars. He ups the stakes immediately. He's speaking in his native British accent and it cuts through the movie like a hot knife through butter.

We have gone from B-grade melodramatic pornography to high-tier Amdram Shakespearean play. We've got muscle-bound American jocks who are playing thugs to some guy who trained at a proper theatre acting school in London who's just landed on his feet in this ski chalet scene

at the closing of Jewel of Emmanuel. And he is bringing the motherfucking ruckus. This stakes it high. They're friends, Emmanuel and he, but not from where you think, which is him being assaulted. They're friends from a time we have no knowledge of. Yeah. But they haven't got an established relationship.

They're friends because they have the same friends who are those people by the pool in the Caribbean. That's true. Weirdly, this is the only time that we find out Maggie and Philip are probably real and a shared experience for another character. So he is like, Hey,

our, our mutual friends sent me, um, my sister's been kidnapped. There's a ransom of a million dollars. We then later find it. So like, then they come up with this plan to lower the kidnappers who,

uh, completely different guys. Or are they related to the train robbers somehow are they the train robbers i don't think they are anyway it doesn't matter they look you know there is a type who shows up in this movie which is like a sort of brown blonde sort of a pretty tasty body but slightly fucking stupid face dude and. And they show up in every other scene, and it's really confusing as to which one's which and if there's more than one of them.

But yeah, so they're... Just various 45-year-old kind of in shape white guys swapping sexual positions. Yeah, and they're sort of spiritually related, but they might not be the same actor or character. The kidnapping is a ruse. The sister is in on it that's right so the count's sister has been kidnapped and he has to uh use emmanuel and her incredible sort of buggy technology

to discover the whereabouts of his sister who has been kidnapped and whether or not the kidnapper who he's meeting up with to drop the cash is in fact telling the truth great scene though emmanuel uses the device on the kidnapper because this the count is trying to discern you know if this is on the level right yeah exactly maybe the sister's been killed aye aye and so what emmanuel does for some reason she's like well the best thing that we could do is he'll wear the necklace i'll wear the crown device and then whenever when you guys are having your chat yeah to confirm the money transfer whenever he says something i'll enter his mind and assess whether it's true and if it is true i will force him to put his hand up so he keeps doing that mid-conversation and a waiter comes

over to take his order each time and it is hilarious and he doesn't realize he's putting his hand up and the waiter will be like can i get you anything and then he'll be like what the hell and he'll look at his hand it'll be up and he'll go it's a pretty convoluted and good comedy and then he'll say a porno yeah say no get out of here and then it will happen again and again. And, yeah, I don't hate it. This is the entire movie. They discover that it's a ruse. But this guy has a confusing relationship with his sister. Didn't you find that was weird?

Yeah. Yeah. But he loves her and she loves him. I kind of thought they were going to fuck. Money doesn't solve all your problems. So it would seem. Here's a family. What is a count?

You've read The Count of Monte Cristo, haven't you? No. Oh. But I know it exists. So in many ways, I have. A count is someone who has a title and a medium. A lot of money to everyone, but in the world of wealth, a medium lot of money to everyone, but in the world of wealth, a medium amount of money.

Yeah, yeah. That sounds right to me. Aristocracy, but not like royalty. Yeah. Anyway. Like a lord. A boy, the count, he's got a great accent. His sister is sort of a troublemaker.

She's in on the ruse. So she's like, just tell my brother that I've been kidnapped. I'm in on it. We'll get the money, and then we'll go on holiday in the Cayman Islands. We will bounce. You want to know a fun fact? Yeah.

I'm going to let you finish. No. Holly Sampson, who plays Emmanuel in Emmanuel 2000, was probably in a sexual relationship with Tiger Woods. How do you know that? I found it on the internet. Hey. Good on her.

I assume. I assume that's what she wanted, and it's what she got. She's a good actor. Yeah, she's the right type. I like her turn as Emmanuel. Yeah. I say that both as a performer and as someone in a long line of playing the vaunted softcore pornographic character, Emmanuel. Boner Inspector!

There he is. Hello. Hello. Are you ready for me? Yes. Anything to report? Nothing to report here, sir. Well, fuck you, bro.

I'm getting sick and tired of coming around here weekly. Boner Inspector. Yes? This entire film's duration, I asked myself silently inside my own head, how am I supposed to jack it to this? Because the sex scenes were pretty few and far between in this little number. Which I was actually okay with because the story really was doing a lot. Doing a lot of things. Never heard of a story getting you heart boy uh no actually come to

think of it well you obviously don't have an appreciation for the true art of cinema storytelling i guess you're wow you really are delving into a tombra that reminds me of a certain one-time james bond actor all of a sudden. You, of course, must be talking about the great Timothy Dalton. Yes, I am. The second best Bond after the Australian model George Lazenby. Famously. Timothy Dalton.

What about you, Montgomery? Almost unbeatable. Any boners or bonds to speak of? No. Not for lack of want. When I thought that I was going to get to watch this porno by myself, I was excited to get a boner. And, I mean, I did watch it by myself in that I was the only one watching it in a public cafe.

And thankfully for me, not a boner to speak of. I then watched the second half of it, Tim, at your house, outside at a table, underneath the shade of an awning. And while I was watching it, both your flatmate and your wife came home. And for all involved, what a massive relief that there was not a boner to speak of.

Yeah, I guess so. Not even a twitch. We're all in our 30s, though, you know. You come back to your home, Guy Montgomery's there with a laptop in front of him, big boner. Watching a porn host. Shit happens. Using the Wi-Fi, watching his porn.

Oh my God. Those are the moments that I think we, you know, like. What are we doing? I pumped out a tweet while I was watching that. I'm glad that tweet was the final word of that sentence. What was the tweet, Guy? We are Guy Montgomery and Tim Bette, and we watch softcore pornography that we do not enjoy for a living.

On that note. Yes? Oh, okay. Hi. On this note. George Lazenby, is it? Yes. I would know that voice anywhere.

Well, forget about my voice. Do you not recognize the fact I've got a boner Tucked into the collar of my shirt Yeah it's pretty unmistakable It's like watching a man who's got a spine On the outside and in the opposite place You would expect it That's right

So George traditionally you come around here With me wanting to pitch you a porno I just want to come so badly Would you like to hear a fantasy? Yes. Well, I imagine that I am at the zoo and I'm looking at the tigers and the tigers are very active.

And I'm thinking, oh, it's nice to finally see a mobile tiger because so often when I go to the zoo, the tigers are sleeping. Which makes sense because there's a giant fucking wild cat in there in this little enclosure but I keep moving and eventually I get to the giraffes and it's one of those sort of interactive zoos where you get to feed the giraffes and I've got some plants and I'm feeding them by hand and then I tuck one of the plants into my

cravat and the giraffe starts eating the plant out of my cravat and then I take another plant and I tuck it a little bit deeper into my cravat. And the giraffe is eating the plant from further in my cravat. And all of a sudden, it's not just the plant the giraffe is eating. It's got its tongue wrapped around my giant, ceaseless erection. Good to see you, George. Catch you next episode. Bye.

Clink. That was a big metal door lock being locked. I hope that guy finds relief soon because he is not well. He's a man apart. Jesus Christ. It's really hard to come back from George Lazor, these frequent appearances, but let me say this. We've got a live show happening. It's happening memory in auckland on the 20th of may in one of the well the largest venue that you can possibly be bestowed upon in the comedy festival i'm terrified about

the number of tickets that we have no no no we're going to sell every single ticket and if we don't we're just going to perform to however many people show up. It is part of the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. It is on Thursday, the 20th of May at 9pm at the beautiful Rangitera and Kew Theatre. All right, fuckos, get this. Guy and I had a little brainstorm on what to do that's a bit special for this special live event. That's right. It's a beautiful theatre. It's a beautiful theater.

It's a beautiful room. And it's going to be really a night of magic. Well, it's a night to remember, isn't it? Truly. Also, it's a great night for us to settle any outstanding disagreements, arguments, or understanding about our respective pecking order within the podcast. To that end, we have decided to dedicate the evening to determining who the best host is definitively of the worst idea of all time the worst idea of all time

presents the best host of all time tim and i will pit our wits bodies and mental stability against one another in a series of challenges defined by us and some special guests to figure out once and for all in a binding contract that is irrevocable, unchangeable, and will last for time immemorial. Which one of us motherfuckers is better? You're probably going to be involved at some stage. We haven't figured out what all the challenges are yet, but I want to involve the online global audience as well as maybe the live audience and also obviously a panel of our peers that's right we'll be guesting it is a one hour live show spectacular uh and i guess the i don't

really know what the exact title is but i guess it's something along the lines of who you know the best i think it's the best host the best host of all time. Who is the best worst host? This is why your titles just get away on you. Yeah, but they make you think. Anyway, tickets are available. Now. Right now. And what would really.

Wait, is that true? Put both of us at ease. I think that's true. It's got to be true. Because we weren't allowed to announce it before tickets go on sale. If you're listening and you are in a position to come to the show and it sounds like a bit of you,

fucking jump on that ticket link right now because this is the most tickets we've ever tried to sell and it is terrifying because it's our hometown.

Famously, we've never sold many tickets to our podcast in the hometown. Yeah, New Zealand hates us. But if you're in New Zealand and you don't hate us, put your fucking money where your mouth is.

But people might travel for this. Oh my God. Don't do that. It's not. No, but it's, you know, this is, it's on a Thursday before the last weekend of the comedy festival. That's actually a hot ticket. So if you're looking for a reason to come up to Auckland and enjoy the best of the end

of the comedy festival. You could do your working day, then jump on a plane from Wellington or Christchurch. Get in just in time. You'd make it in time. Catch a bunch of shows. Take the Friday off and then just fucking cut sick. It's going to be a hell of a weekend. We've got everything set up for the America's Cup still, man.

Yeah. All that fucking shit's still there for the boat people. And it's just not being used. It's here for you. Yeah, yeah. So that is on the Thursday, 20th of May, as part of the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Please, if it sounds like you, get a ticket.

We're going to put a lot into this. We've already started. Yeah, worstideaofalltime.com for dates and tics and whatnot. Also, just a heads up on that, my intention is to film it, and film it at a reasonable quality so that we can have it online somehow might have to sell it though i get the feeling uh like the venue rental alone for this is gonna cost fucking heaps so we these boys got to keep their head above water somehow so that is all we have for you this week thank you so much for listening

we'll see you on the friend zone love you you. We'll see some of you on the Patreon and the rest of you, we'll probably see. See you on the street. Yeah, we'll see you on the street.