The Worst Idea Of All Time - 31: A Police Officer, of Sex

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

Emmanuelle's back on the menu and today the Frosty Fellas watched Emmanuelle: The Sex Talk featuring the very same beautiful and terrible Dutch actor from Emmanuelle vs Dracula. Sadly, this is not a movie about parents talking to their teenage children about adolescence and safe sex, it is about a woman named Dr Brittany who hosts a wildly popular syndicated sex and relationship talk back radio show in the United States of America. The story is boring and nonsensical - A red headed woman might be bisexual, her boyfriend might be turned on and Emmanuelle might be trying to get her friend Brittany murdered. The Boner Inspector stops by to and fill out his backstory as a self-made man who not only inspects but also relieves boners! Owen Wilson is also here. George Lazenby has been listening along in a cupboard the entire episode and commissions an exciting new porno idea Tim pitches to the tune of $200.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Hello everybody and welcome to the worst idea of all time. Season Emmanuel, the season of love. The season of sex and sexuality. Sensuality and sexuality. My name is Tim Batt and this is my associate Guy Montgomery. Sex and sexuality. Sensuality and sexuality. Sensuality. My name is Tim Batt and this is my associate, Guy Montgomery. And together what we do is we watch movies and we talk about them. We are a couple of pornographic pioneers.

Men with eyes bigger than their stomachs. Definitely. We traverse the back catalogue of soft core Emmanuel films. If Emmanuel is on the tin, we'll watch it. We'll drink it. We'll drink it up. We might not be thirsty. We might not like the flavour. But we have iron stomachs and we said we'd drink it.

We told you we would do it. So we're going to do it. And so we drink it. Are you comfortable? do it so we're gonna do it and so we drink it are you comfortable physically yes yeah cool man you i'm good i've got a chair that kind of leans back i'm on i'm on a cool like office rolly chair thing and i can i do yeah i mean this is happening in a new studio so you probably didn't need to know that but it does feel like a new configuration and it does feel like I'm being interviewed and you are big-timing me.

Because you are. I'm in a small, lower stationary chair that forces me to sit upright. Oh, God. Tim is leaning back, sort of... Very cavalier. Very cavalier, very confident, very relaxed, feet on the desk,

and he wants to know what I bring to the company, what I was doing with the last five years of my life, and what I'm going to do with the next five years of my life. So in order? I'm going to bring a good attitude every single day. The last five years, legally, I'm not allowed to talk about it. I'm under an NDA. But rest assured, everything's been settled now,

and the less questions asked, the better. The next five years, I'm just going to be trying to put my past behind me. Now, while I respect the judicial process and the legal strength of a non-disclosure agreement within this country, I must have some more details. I must pursue this a little bit further for our own risk assessment for this company. Okay. Well, I can't tell you exactly what happened, but I will assessment for this company. Okay. Well, I can't tell you exactly what happened, but I will say that bank had it coming.

A bank. It involved a bank, and you've done something to a bank. No. Okay. You didn't hear that from me. I see. Why should the bank have all the money? Oh, okay.

That's all I'll say. It seems like you've released some interesting details considering this is an insurance company. Yes. In many ways, similar financial institution to a bank. I would like to ensure that I am paid money by this company moving forward. Where do you see yourself in five years? Guy, is it?

You can call me... Are you French? Oui. Yeah, you can call me Guy. Five years time, probably different building, different interview. What do you think about people who say,

your job? I get that question. Where do you see yourself in three years your job motherfucker that seat right there uh i think that's fucking awesome it's a real litmus test for the manager you're talking to i think yeah you know i think it's a cool thing to say regardless but um what you're really testing the water of is their sense of humor. Yes. The person in front of you and how they respond to a gentle challenge from an ambitious young man. I think putting the motherfucker on the end probably upgrades the challenge from gentle to aggressive. Man, pulling that out in a job interview would be so awesome.

It's a shame that job interviews are so high stakes Because it's quite fertile ground for comedy Wow You know, like if the stakes were Because generally you're there because you need a job And it's quite important that you do well And if you're at the interview stage It already means you've crossed a few hurdles So, you know, the stakes are even higher

And you want to take very few risks But if those things went in front of you Man, you could have a lot of fun fucking around well it's sort of you know maybe you've you're interviewing for multiple positions you've found the one you want you've taken it you still have this other interview on the books instead of just wiping it you could say you know what i'm gonna have some fun with this what about a hidden camera show and you're just interviewing for jobs you're interviewing for jobs yeah so you were actually like punking the people who are interviewing people for it's a bit of a i think it changes the power dynamic so what do you say so you walk in there and they're like okay what can

you bring to this company etc etc and you're like guess what fuck you and you're wearing like hidden gopros and you're all mic'd up for a tv show. It's a great show, Tim. It's called Fuck You and it's just someone with 12 GoPros strapped to them walking into different offices and telling whoever is interviewing them, fuck you. You remember that Simpsons episode where Homer's got the big gallon hat

when he walks into the cookie mart, I think? Yeah, and he's got the camera in it. And then he stomps on it because I think of poo towers and it sounds like there's a bee in there. That would be a great Halloween costume. If you could recreate the hat. That would be good.

Good times. Anyway, this movie. Sorry, we saw a movie called Emmanuel and the Sex Talk or maybe just Emmanuel the Sex Talk. Emmanuel Sex talk. I thought... Well, that's definitely in there. I don't know about the and.

I think it was sex, the talk. I thought it would be a parent and their teenage children sitting down to finally comb through the finer details of the birds and the bees. We're talking about erections. We're talking about adolescence, menstruation. We're talking about safe sex.

Menstruation. Yep. Okay. Yeah. Talking about everything. Did you get the talk? Can't remember getting it, but I think we got it very young. I've heard that technique.

Yeah. Really young. You tell them everything and then- In utero. Yeah. Yell it into the belly. I think you tell them everything and then... In utero. Yeah. Yell it into the belly. I think you tell them everything constantly. So you start now and you just keep going, you know.

But I never got it. I remember one day I was home and my parents went there and there was a copy of a book called What's Happening to Me on the edge of a table. Yeah. And I combed through that i can vividly remember a i think you've told the story an animated picture of an erection how to make you feel i was like oh i don't know i sort of i don't know how many feel and then

there was a picture of a man and a woman lying down and hugging. And it might have been described in the book as a special mummy-daddy cuddle. Just call it. Like, if you go into the trouble of writing the book to try and clear stuff up, then why would you then further obscure it? You say mummy and daddy cuddle because you're, like, too embarrassed in the moment to tell the child about what the realities are. If you're writing the fucking book, stack up, dude. It's the point of the book.

I wrote the book on stacking up. There's a lot of commotion happening outside with Zoe versus Rufus, by the sounds of it. Zoe being my wife, Rufus being our lovely dog. It seemed like it was bath time for Rufus. I don't know for Rufus. I don't know if Rufus was on board. Yeah, he didn't seem... He was trying to strike a deal where he got to bathe

one of the members of the house in exchange. Hey, so this movie sucks. It's not about puberty and it's not about parents and their children going through the finer details of what happens to the human body and responsibility. It is actually about a woman named Dr. Brittany, a popular late-night radio host who hosts a relationship and sex. Kind of like Dan Savage.

Call-in show. But bad. Savage love cast. Exactly. And basically, she fields calls from listeners and gives them advice. As friends with Emmanuel, of course. Yes. Now, this is the Emmanuel Who we were first introduced to

In Emmanuel and Dracula Is that what it's called? Or Emmanuel vs Dracula? Emmanuel vs Dracula That rules It's very like Jason vs Godzilla vs Kong Imagine Godzilla vs Freddy Krueger

Ah They're going to say imagine Godzilla vs Emmanuel Ah No I don't want to see that movie neither i and yeah she's friends with emmanuel and while she is the sort of most prominent popular and world-leading sexpert on the u.s radio waves she often defers to and respects the opinion of emmanuel has her on a pedestal higher than even her own. There are also some ancillary characters who are friends who are going through various different things.

Friends of Emmanuel? Friends of Emmanuel who are like, there's no, aside from the fact that there's a radio talk show host and a radio show that is a set up for a lot of the different sex scenes in this movie. There's no through line. There's not a lot of connective tissue. This movie's got it all. Nymphs.

Yeah, it did have nymphs. Threesomes. It did have threesomes. Visible vagina. It did have visible vagina. It did not have visible penis. You got so close though. When is the penis going to get its day in the sun When are we going to see it

When are we going to see just a man Fully erect I actually think we will see it before long With a regular sundial Of a cock Because these Emmanuel films as we go further in time I believe this was released in 2004 They're getting more

i well it might have been i think it might have been earlier oh just a lot of commotion out there uh what what kind of circa what do you think i think 2000 or 2001 because i feel like early on when uh we were establishing through a variety of stock footage you didn't see this in america no way you saw them i think think I saw the Twin Towers. I think you saw some buildings in Chicago. I'm going to look it up. I want you to go back to the... Oh, wait.

We've got the credits on. Maybe I'll just run them to the end and then we can see the copyright. Yeah. Is that the thing that they put on? I guess so. Just to bring you up to speed, the lead sceney was Rochelle Ebert.

Whenever people read out credits it always reminds me of the old whose line is it anyway? It was never a funny part of the show. Romanian crew. Some of this was

shot in Romania. You're going to do that for the tech? Some of this was shot in Brazil. What the fuck? We're learning a lot. Why do they always

make these terrible films such huge, sprawling international 2003. There we go. You show me the stock footage at the start of the film. The jury rests, Your Honour. There's no way that you would release a movie two years after 9-11 with the Twin Towers in, for God's sake.

Not all movies. They cancelled Spider-Man and put it back in the oven to digitally remove them. Not all movies made after 2001 are set after 2001, Tim. This movie could be set in the year 2000. So no one told you life was gonna be this way. That was set in New York, eh? Friends? Famously.

Yeah. Yeah, really, really famously. It was really hard to follow the storyline of this movie, man. There was a letter that Emmanuel got, which was from a man saying goodbye to her. And that was like, for some reason, the sort of persistent, mysterious thread that they would, it like got set up very early

and then they would ignore it for ages and then come back to it later. The most interesting one I thought was the relationship between the man and the woman don't know either of their names maybe the guy's matt uh who and she had just started exploring her feelings for a woman yes yeah so yeah that's that was one of the first scenes of the film was there's a red-headed woman who we were led to assume was the talk show radio host but we got a red-headed woman and she was getting a massage from emmanuel and they were

talking to one another about sex and sexuality and emmanuel regaled the red-headed woman with an incredible anecdote about two young women who are friends who went for a walk in the forest and lay out a picnic mat and fucked with their nikes on. Yes. It was really gross. I don't know. It was something about the way it was shot and recorded the sound as well. I didn't like it. Also retold by Emmanuel. I didn't like it. I didn't love it either.

But basically, Emmanuel got this redheaded woman all hit up about this story about two women making love. And then her and the redheaded woman proceeded to make love and matt the redheaded woman's boyfriend came home and was watching and was turned on by it and uh i guess that was the redheaded woman was like hey don't watch me cheat on you with this one yeah yeah and he was like all right there wasn't a lot of clarity around it but basically it set up this ongoing thread where she wanted to explore her sexuality and he wanted to be there for it as well yes and then no but that it was kind of i don't know i thought it was kind of cool how they handled it they had some talks in the kitchen yeah

considering the very low bar that emmanuel sets I thought it was the best bit of the movie. Them trying to negotiate and navigate this new phase of their relationship because she didn't know that she was, I'm presuming, bisexual because she still was like with the dude and seemed into him. And he just discovered that she had these sexual feelings for women and then decided to fuck around and find out with their aerobics instructor amy and invited him to come along but he was not this was so good real good clear boundary setting she was like i'm gonna go fuck around with amy you can come but you may not touch no talking no touching he was in equal measures excited and then a bit disappointed

that he couldn't participate. And then, in what I thought was the greatest comic moment of the film, on the fly offered to bring a video camera because technically that wasn't interfering in the action. That was so funny. But then he got his end off anyway. Yeah, he got his end away. They got excited and then eventually they were like,

do you know who we should bring into this situation? The man standing. The man sitting in the corner. And all of the other sex scenes in this movie are just, basically the way that the talkback radio shit worked was this woman sat down and said, hi, I'm Dr. Brittany, I'm a relationship expert. And then people would call in and tell her about times they had sex.

And she would not interfere. She would just silently listen. She kind of goad them for more details. She'd be like, tell us everything. And then she'd kick back in her seat. And these listeners, these ordinary folks like you or I, would tell their stories. And then the radio show would finish and her producer would say,

great show. And she'd say, I've got to go to bed. So then the weirdest bit of this movie was that kind of disturbing, I'd say the most disturbing part. So she starts getting these, Brittany, the radio show host,

she starts getting these phone calls. On her private phone. Private phone from someone she doesn't know. And she puts a lot of her life on the line, this does out into the public arena and and you know to the point that i think some people feel a degree of ownership over her even though she's just doing her job and britney has unbeknownst to her established some parasocial relationships with their listeners yes they are obviously one-sided because that is how the broadcast medium of radio works. Thanks, Tim.

Admittedly, Talkback's slightly different, but not much. So this dude... Also, for a Talkback radio station, surprisingly few calls from people with complaints about the state of things, about... This government. This government. I'm a taxpayer. Yeah. Something about immigrants. Yeah, immigration law.

Also the go-tos. Same-sex relationships. Just being over 70 and somehow operating a telephone enough to ring into the show. Yeah, incredible. That's not fair. There's lots of smart people over 70. They almost exclusively fielded calls from people, beautiful people in their mid-20s who were exploring.

Well, I think they're actually pretty light on cast, so I'm pretty sure if you're in one of the sex scenes you also had to voice a um call on character you 100 did i'm pretty sure she was talking to herself in one of them and they just very subtly changed her voice for balance even if it wasn't someone making a traditional talkback radio call i would have liked to hear like someone call up and tell a hilarious anecdote about when how when they masturbated once it went wrong. Just for balance. A few calls from people being like, oh, this really embarrassing thing happened.

This movie still had the, and I've forgotten his name, the guy who went on to do all the comedy shows, the sitcoms and stuff, the guy who did all the Emanuel in spaces. That's what we would be treated to. Yeah. We definitely would have had some funny ass calls. But anyway. It's funny, like there's not a lot of room for comedy in sex.

But there can be. That's the beautiful, I felt like that guy found some great comedy. I said this out loud while the movie was playing. I yearn for Emanuel in space. It was good. I didn't know how good we had it at the time. Nah, you don't. Don't it always seem to go that

you're not aware of what you have until after the fact. They paved a beautiful place and built somewhere for people to place their vehicles. She starts getting these phone calls.

And it's from a pretty sinister sounding guy. He goes like, what do you think about secret admirers? She's like, no, you were taking a piss you don't even fucking know this bit oh is it a crime sorry is it a crime to take a piss now he don't break the law he rang her on her cell phone is that right yep that's right there are cell phones in this movie which is it's weird to like mention but this is kind of a crossover point oh three they're just starting to become three but remember set in 2000 i dispute that fact um he's like i'm your secret admirer uh what else does he say to her i don't know just some bullshit but it's a real sinister

tone and then he's like hey we should meet up and it's like this guy's obviously a fucking murderer like clearly he's a a fucking murderer like clearly he's a murderer they've even got a slightly sinister soundtrack playing underneath basically a guy keeps pestering her he rings on the radio show and he's like yo we're gonna meet up what's the deal and she's like i don't know about probably not and then she talks to emmanuel and emmanuel's opinion she greatly respects and is somebody who's set up in the movie and the wider franchise to be a fountain of wisdom, knowledge, intuition, you know, good judgment.

And so she puts this situation to Emmanuelle and Emmanuelle is instantly like, you should fully meet up with this guy. How exciting. What an adventure. And I'm sitting here yelling at the screen trying to avoid this this poor broadcaster from getting murdered you know does she listen to me no it's a screen it was recorded in possibly 2000 it's not going to work

so she ends up meeting up with this guy having very um wow explicit i would say for emmanuel sex in an alleyway before we get it's important to provide a little bit of extra context so she finishes the radio show and her producer goes you want to get a drink and she goes no and he goes hot date she goes i don't know and then she walks to the pre-agreed street corner and the secret admirer, in an incredibly sinister mood, move, and mood, presumably, was like, by the way, when we meet, no talking. We've talked enough. And you think, no, because you don't know each other.

You've barely spoken at all. And she arrives at a street corner, which is in front of an alleyway, and there's this sort of handsome guy down corner which is in front of an alleyway and there's a sort of handsome guy down the far dark end of the alleyway who gives her the eyebrows and she sort of goes okay and then as detailed by tim they have quite explicit alleyway sex and like a couple of stray cats that's right and then they finish and he just goes through the door behind him and then the producer the aforementioned producer shows up and he's like sorry i'm late and emmanuel says not emmanuel sorry the talk show host britney says huh because yeah i'm i'm late she goes you're the secret admirer and he goes truly this is a

shakespearean turn he goes yeah she goes. She goes, well, who was? He's like, what? Who is who? And he goes, don't worry about it. And then he says, well, we've already broken the no talking rule. What do you want to do? I was thinking coffee and breakfast. Which I had to ask Guy a few times that we'd heard the same line because it didn't

make any sense to me is that do you think he was using it in that way of like a pickup line you know you go to a bar and you're like hey can i buy you a drink and make you breakfast i don't know that all i know is it's midnight and this guy's set up a date where he's not allowed to talk to the person he's on a date with and he's asked her to his house for coffee and breakfast. I figured they were going to a coffee house. No, she says, where? And he goes, my place. Oh, man.

Anyway, everyone survives. That's a plus. And actually, it looked like everyone got their end away, which is fantastic news. Yeah, I guess so. Everyone but Tim and Guy. Well, and the nymphs. They didn't see any action.

Because Emmanuel told people about the nymphs and then people didn't believe her. But then we got to meet them. Yeah, Emmanuel. And they were the only people of colour that I've seen in the franchise recently. Certainly in this film. Yeah, Emmanuel keeps having dreams

and these nymphs show up. There's sort of this supernatural quality to Emmanuel. Everyone else seems to be living in reality and she kind of transcends reality in a slightly sort of... Also, I've got to say, this current Emmanuel we're dealing with... Can't act. Fuck, man, she's bad. She's Dutch.

She's Dutch and she can't act. She's gorgeous and She's Dutch. She's Dutch. She's gorgeous. And she cannot act. Let me introduce you to Emmanuel. She's young. She's hot. She's Dutch. And she cannot act.

Not to save herself. We don't begrudge her that. No, but I feel like they figured it out in Emmanuel vs. Dracula because she was barely in it. You remember that they really like tucked her away in the movie uh scant number of lines she kind of got tucked away in this one too well not as much britney was the lead the talk show radio host was the lead and then we had a red-headed woman whose name i don't know who who you know was also she got more screen time than emmanuel 1b and they were both quite good I thought

At acting They were serviceable I was so bored man These pornos are boring These pornos are boring me That's me being Guy Mum this porno's boring Mum this porn's boring

Shut up and watch your porno. I'll take it away from you. Mom, this porn, I don't want to watch anymore of the porno. Pretty wild though. I don't understand all the like countries involved. Do you think there is crazy financial shit going on here?

Is this like, this feels like fraud somehow you know what i mean i just don't know exactly how it works so i guess you've got a lot of you're like hey my name's elaine stravit stravinsky that he's a suritsky and uh i am you know i've got this whole back catalog of emmanuel films um that according to my conversation I'm having you with right now, are very successful, financially very successful. So I'm going to need you to give me some money to finance this next one. Gorgeous woman, shot on location, experienced crew.

I know what I'm doing. Yada, yada, yada. You get your money back, you know, threefold, whatever the fuck it is. So then, like, what's the grift the grift You know like where are you stealing money Do you just steal it from the investors maybe I think everything's above board The only fraudulent thing I'm noticing Tim Is I've watched over 30 pornos now

And have not Not gotten a single bonot Oh well this doesn't feel like a conversation For us this feels like a conversation for a special guest. Hello. Hello? Hello! Oh, wow.

Hi. Boner Inspector! Probably back off that ear that's in front of your mouth. But thank you. Hi. Oh, what seems to be the problem? Just blowing out my ear hole. Oh, yes.

With? Your volume. Oh, I thought perhaps a giant boner had been bestowed upon you. Nah, that too. That is, you are uncomfortably close. Describe for me the details of your appendage. Mine or yours? Either or.

Well, I mean, yours is right in my field of view right now. For that, I apologize. Somewhat inescapable. And I appreciate the apology. I genuinely do. But at the end of the day, you've cop-knocked my door. Like I thought a police officer was coming in. Well, in many ways, I am a police officer.

I guess that's true. A police officer of sex guess that's true. A police officer of sex. Mmm. The best kind. Your appendage I would describe as stomach churningly vast.

Please, please, please. No. Okay. Vascular? Is that a word I can use? It is wide and veiny. Anywhoos,

it's been a minute. How are you? Can I make you a cuppa? A cuppa tea? Wish you would. Wish you would. I'll put the jug on for you, mate. What's been happening in your world, Boner Inspector?

Well, since you boys haven't been watching as many pornos lately, I've been traipsing from place to place, hoping to stumble upon something in a park or a, I don't know, anywhere. This is an interesting question I never thought to ask before. Are you, like, ethereal? You know, like, are you a ghost or do you have corporeal form? Like, is everyone on board? Can I – you're here, right, physically?

I'm physically here, yes. Okay. And if you were to ask someone into the room, they too would see me. But when I travel from place to place, I'm not visible to all. Okay. And if you were to ask someone into the room, they too would see me. But when I travel from place to place, I'm not visible to all. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, there he is.

Wow. Owen Wilson. Now, Owen Wilson's here as well. Yeah, I just wanted to say I got a big boner. Holy shit. Fantastic. I'll write you up a ticket. Wait, hold on.

Boner inspector. Is the ticket a positive thing or is it like a speeding ticket? It's kind of both. It's kind of both. Okay, gotcha. So it's like it's a positive thing, but we need the documentation. Is Owen Wilson going to get fined? No, no, not at all.

He'll get rewarded. Oh, fantastic. That's so good. How do you feel about that, Owen Wilson? Wow, really good. Man, it's so cool to have you here. I don't know how long I can keep you for because I know you're a really busy dude. Do you want to stick around, Owen?

I got to go. Okay, cool, you want to stick around Owen? I gotta go Okay cool man That's all good I understand I will see you later It was nice to meet you Owen Wilson The man's a legend

A legend So basically the ticket he has is valid for One Gobby One gob Okay so you find someone with an erection And they get a ticket to redeem where exactly? There's another person.

There's a room. There's a room? The boner removal room. Yeah. Okay, and that's where you get your blowjob from. Redeem your boners. I see. Anyway, anything to talk of?

No, no. I feel like we should anything to talk of? No, no. I feel like we should get you out of the room, to be honest. You don't like my energy? No, I just... Too sinister for you? No, no, no. It's not there. It's fine.

Guy and I have just got some catching up to do is all. So please don't take it personally. I'd have you stay for as long as you want. Oh, really? Are you caught with him being... Oh, well, if it's okay with you. All right, I'll pour the tea then. Is that okay with you?

Me? Tim? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, look, I'll just get you a cup of tea for a second. Guy, do you want to ask the binary inspector anything? Who introduced the ticketing system? Oh, that was my initiative. All of this is my initiative.

Wait, so the room, the redemption room? Yeah, that's me too. When did you create it? And here's your tea, by the way. Oh, thank you. Yep, that's what a teacup sounds like When did you When did you come up with all of this?

In utero Wow Yes That's incredible And you can remember that huh? Vividly So you're like I mean

I was tending towards ghost But it almost seems like you've got superhuman Maybe like mutant abilities. I'm trapped between many worlds, and the one thing that tethers me to all of them is a fascination and an appetite for boners. Interesting. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes. Horrible movie.

Not a boner to speak of. Yeah, I guess that was the big takeaway from that film. Yes. Not a boner to speak of Yeah I guess that was the big takeaway from that film Yes Didn't see a boner And most importantly Didn't get a boner Okay You know they made different endings for that movie

I did hear that And didn't they actually screen different endings as well? I think they did Yeah that's wild Well it's kind of in keeping with the premise Yeah exactly I guess that's why they did it But I haven't heard of any other movie doing that,

except for like test screenings to figure out what they want to run with. You don't hear a lot from Ashton Kutcher on screen these days. Well, funnily enough, it's because he's like a great humanitarian. He's doing really good work on people trafficking. I mean, shutting it down rather than doing it. You never know with these Hollywood types. I was on Netflix the other day, and I was looking for a movie under the genre of sci-fi.

And one of the options was Dude, Where's My Car? I mean, I don't think I've ever seen that movie, but wasn't it just about a guy who gets too stoned to figure out where he parked? Big time. Anyway, no bonus there either. Yeah, you must fucking hate these Emmanuel movies I don't know if you've seen them

But Guy and I have watched 30 something 32, 4 Almost 40 I'd say Maybe Feels like there's something in there Anyway, not a single boner On these films that claim to be pornos Not even in silhouette?

Not from memory, no Well, maybe when you finish recording i could hang around and show you some websites oh i don't we're not looking i mean you're looking for bonus yes we're we're on a different path oh we're doing a different thing over here i was going to show you clickhole.com um sort of like a buzzfeed satirical website. It's very funny. So no boners on there? No. Oh, okay.

It was just a sheer bit of humor, a bit of... Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm really getting to know you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. You're right. I'd better get to the boner attention room's what i'm thinking yeah yeah yeah owen wilson's gonna be there any second right that sounds good man good to see you okay catch you

enjoy that rest your tea that guy that fucking dude man man he does not live a good life i don't think he does but he's kind of built it for himself you know so he's got to figure this out boner inspector built this prison and boner inspector must prison break if he wants to get out of there this prison exactly um haven't heard from george lazenby in a hot minute don't know if we will um don't know. I do wonder how that guy's doing. Someone sent us a photo of him recently. Oh, really? Yeah.

It looked like he was in good shape. Awesome. Which isn't surprising. Yeah. I mean, he was a Bond. Yeah, yeah. Some of them are dead, though. Yeah.

Wait, only one, I think. Wait, Roger Moore. I'm pretty sure Roger Moore's dead as well. Don't know. Tell you who's doing great. Who's that? Pierce Brosnan. Yeah.

Fuck you. You get the feeling. Fuck you, brother. How did somebody say Pierce Brosnan? Okay. Hi, George. You really snuck up on us there. I was in the cupboard.

Have you been in the cupboard this whole time? Yeah. Fuck me. Can I get you a glass of water? Because we have not... Well, you offered the other guy a cup of tea. You can have a cup of tea if you want. I just feel like you might need some hydration

if you've been in a cupboard for this amount of time. Please. It's been a moment before drinks. Man, I can see the colour returning to your cheeks as you're gobbling down that hydrogen and oxide, whatever it's called. Even for the world's greatest listener. Yeah. Hearing you guys paddle on with that boner inspector is enough to drive a man wild.

Oh, come on, man. We were just, you know, entertaining an old friend, having him over. I was tempted to just poke the very tip of my boner out the corner of the room. Really? Just to show him? Just to alert them. Alert them to your presence. Yes.

Hey, George, can I tell you about this film we just watched? I'd rather you tell me about a film you'd like me to watch. Okay. Here it is. It is about a woman radio host, if you can believe it. Sounds good. Now, her job is to listen to... Oh, a listener.

Yes. Woman after my own heart. She's both a broadcaster and a listener, like you. I'm an actor and a listener. That's true. You know they say acting isn't acting, it's re-acting. I have heard that. You're a subscriber to that?

No. Oh. You've just heard it. Yeah, yeah. I hear people saying it. People are always talking about learning lines as well. Not for you? No, no.

I do lines and I act. Nice. I've been meaning to ask you actually. There's a line on Her Majesty's Secret Service that I always wondered if it was an ad-lib from you or if it was written on the page. Go ahead. I know that I ad-libbed every line in that film.

You say, and I haven't watched this in years and years, but you might even look to the camera a little bit as you're doing this. They hated when I'd do that. The line was, this never happened to the other guy. I think it was after your character's wife died. Yeah. Adlib.

That was you. That was me. Fuck. It's a real, it's, you know, memorable. It was all me. So tell me about this woman who listens. So she's got a job where every night, seven days a week, she gets on the wireless, sits in her chair,

and for two hours she hears the most sexually explicit stories from her listener base. It's a syndicated show. She's drawing stories from 22 of the most popular cities in America I'm talking NYC Los Angeles Chicago The other ones

And one night she gets a very sexually explicit story From an elderly man He sounds old You can tell by his voice that he's a very old man like me um i wouldn't describe you as elderly you you know i think you're a distinguished gentleman young at heart but does his voice sound like mine Yeah, older. Oh. Yeah. So he rings in with the, I'm not going to get into the details right now, but. Because it's lewd. It is lewd in the extreme, George Lazenby. It's lewd, it's crude, it's downright nasty.

This is some rough stuff. And we get a lot of details delivered from the voice of a man who sounds impossibly advanced in his ears. Now, the interesting thing is, as the story's going on, our main character, the listener slash broadcaster slash sex therapist radio host, she sort of has this interesting expression on her face, which doesn't make a lot of sense to us, the viewer, at the time, because she's heard it all. Truly she has. I mean, admittedly, this man is very old, and this story is very explicit.

Yeah, yeah. But, you know, you'd think she would be a little desensitized to this stuff, but as the details tumble out of this guy's mouth, she gets sort of more and more alarmed. And then her face sort of contorts in these quite sort of disturbed, horrifying reactions to it. She ends the call professionally, goes to an ad break, turns the talkback button on to communicate to her producer

who's in a separate booth uh and reveals that the reason she's so shaken is because this elderly man has to the detail described a sexual experience she was a part of two weeks prior wow um she's shaken by the fact that she has, unbeknownst to her, now seemingly had sex with an incredibly old man. Maybe he's just got an old voice and a young body. It's possible. But the interesting thing is, two weeks prior, when she was involved in this sexual experience,

which seems to line up exactly to the T, to this tale that the old man was telling, she was at a masquerade ball. Oh. So there was a bit of opportunity for leaving something to the imagination. Anonymous, eyes wide shut style stuff. You've got it. Maybe she fucked Tom Cruise.

It's possible, but it's also possible that she fucked an incredibly old man. I like it. Yeah? Yeah, I like it a lot. A bit of you? Yeah. I like the mystery. Cool.

And I like Tom Cruise. Great. I mean, yeah, we can put him in. Yeah, great. Let's make it. Okay, excellent. Well, good to see you, buddy. I'm going to write you out a check for

how much can it cost to make a movie these days? One? $200? What year do you think it is? You got it. I'll see you later. Bye, George. Gutted.

Fuck, man. He doesn't green light a lot of projects and he does not understand what a film costs. Yeah. He just went back into that cupboard. Yeah, I saw. I don't know if he can hear us, but then again,

it is kind of his thing. I think this movie was, um, was not offensively bad, but it was boring. Yeah. And it was plain. Plain.

It was plain. I'd like to not watch it again. I'd like to give it, um, no thumbs up. Zero thumbs. Okay. Can I ask you to select two words from the English language to describe this film,

to sum it all up? Plodding. Naughty. plodding naughty thank you very much guy we'll see you in the next episode where we'll be tackling another Emmanuel film yeah can I just acknowledge and thank all of our Patreon supporters yeah who are

keeping us going truly yeah on there you can get some bonus content um some of it's excellent some of it is a podcast series called kill your near where we are planning how to murder the richest person in the world yeah a person who shall remain nameless but on this the public podcast is about to go to space and there's a lot of people about to go to space so it could be anyone they sell books we've got a link in the episode description if you want to join us on there but thank you very much for listening george lazenby boner inspector guy montgomery tim bat that's me rufus zoe the people of Sandringham.

Yeah, I've got to go. I've actually got to go. Yeah, I've got a meeting in half an hour. Bye.