The Worst Idea Of All Time - 32: Socks w/ Liv McKenzie

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Comedian Liv McKenzie joins Guy. Tim, George and Mr Boner Inspector for some Transylvanian Ghost Sex discussion. Emmanuelle: The Sex Life of Ghosts has a fantastic premise (according to Tim) but is ultimately undone by the script, acting and vitally, the sound mix. There's heated debate about Pokémon Yellow and very spicy takes on American kitchens, not to mention the Sheryl Crowe.FOLLOW LIV: liv_ingthedreamJOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 How old do you think Sheryl Crow is? Um 50 57 Wait Who is she married to? She was with Lance Armstrong

That's a strong guess I'm guessing slightly younger 54 59 Oh Shot live Mackenzie Who's our guest on this episode of the worst idea of all time season six but it's actually season five i'm so gutted that this wasn't season six huge oversight really dumb on our part cheryl crowe did a bond theme uh she did um was it die another day uh no it's tomorrow never dies oh man what are some of

her songs all the titles sound the same all i want to do is have some fun okay you would have been two when that song came out yeah i remember vividly it's my first memory shell crow's all I want to do. A lot of people would kill for that. I did. We just watched a film called Emmanuel and the Sex Lives of Ghosts. Yes, and the Sex Lives of Ghosts. Do we have to talk about it? Yeah, we do.

It's imperative. Because we watched it for an hour and a half of our human time on this earth. I'm so upset. I thought it was going to be like a 20 minute yeah live thought she was coming over to watch eight minutes of hardcore explicit pornography i would have rather that i think just cram it all in that's what she said yeah got him yes hey by the way i'm on a stall you gotta watch out we riff a lot on this podcast so you set something like that up for tim he's's going to knock it straight down.

I fucking hate this attitude. I love to riff. What? You hate, like, shit New York comedian guy or something? I don't know. Brilliant podcast host guy. And that was a lowercase g, by the way. That wasn't like a direct shot across the bow.

You know the type, Liv, because you spent a good while in NYC. Yeah, I did. Thank you so much for bringing it up. I had to bring it up within the first two minutes of the podcast because that's a contractual requirement. Yeah, and otherwise I would. Whenever we have you or Alice sneering on the podcast. Oh, yeah.

Must reference your time in the Big Apple. How did you like the open mic scene? It was dog shit. And how did you like the movie? This movie? That was great. That was very skillful. Also dog shit. And how did you like the movie? This movie? It was great. It was very skillful. Also dog shit, I think.

Oh. Well. Did you like it? In parts. I thought the sound mix was awful. You wandered off a lot. I wandered off three times. Three times.

I never wandered off. Here's what I did. Once, to take a shit. Once, to put my phone in a different room so I wouldn't be tempted to go on it. Thrice to check my phone. Oh, my God. But it is an enthralling idea. A woman from Transylvania who lives in a bungalow in California

has three friends over for the weekend. Coincidentally, the same weekend that her house and the sort of sexual spirit of her house is overrun by old ghosts. Because she finds an A3 printout in her pool. It's a printout of a sketch someone's done with charcoal, but it's floating on one. I don't know.

Presumably laminated. It's a photo and their faces are kind of blurry and then she immediately frames it above the fireplace. We were also watching this movie at a crisp 144p resolution. So it was a little bit hard to make out what was the photo and what was the painting at that kind of definition, but it's just floating in the pool. She finds it,

I guess, frames it and puts it up. Right. She finds it after she's had like a weird sex hallucination where they were intercut with a faceless man riding a horse. Yes. Oh, yeah, that never came back. And a field of sheep.

And the sheep, because she's looking up out of the pool, somehow down into a field of sheep. It was very confusing. And then that was a dream. Then she wakes up in bed. And so I was like, okay. You know when you're having a sex dream and it's intercut with farmyard animals,

but you're not having sex with the animals? You know that familiar feeling? Normal, relatable stuff. This movie was so hard to watch. It really was. And not in the way that you want porn to be hard to watch. Am I right? Tim's talking about cocks.

Yeah. Cocks and socks. Socks is what we call vaginas on this. Oh my god. So yeah, basically... It's like Cockney rhyming slang, except it'll make you angry and vomit. Emmanuel had three friends basically. It's like Cockney rhyming slang, except it'll make you angry and vomit. Emmanuel had three friends over. It's unclear why they went.

Presumably they wanted to open themselves up sexually or visit their friend. The house was overrun by ghosts, fucking ghosts. Ghosts who fuck people. And basically it runs for an hour and a half. Why didn't the ghosts just fuck each other? That would have been an easy fix. It seemed like every time they masturbated, they were also somehow watching ghosts fuck each other. They were having like a weird, oh, they come with like a weird.

So the ghosts can fuck each other. I think so. It was a combination of hallucinations where they saw the ghosts. And then toward the end of the film The ghost started What is that called? Possessing them Their bodies It was full possession by the end I don't know if they were watching ghost memories

Or the ghosts were currently fucking In limbo Or a premonition to a future time When Emmanuel would fuck someone in a pool At the end of the movie At the start it was either a dream or a flash forward because then she fucks the same – spoilers – she fucks the same guy at the end.

Big spoiler warning on this episode of the podcast. If you intended to watch Emmanuel and the Sex Life of Ghosts, spoiler free, I'm sorry, you've come to the wrong place because we will be explaining in explicit detail the plot as we understood it. Yeah. These usually are spoiler free too plot as we understood it. Yeah. These usually are spoiler-free too, so we apologize for that misunderstanding. Yeah, basically what you got, you got a movie with four real people,

three ghosts trapped in a picture of a fireplace. If anyone falls asleep, you better watch out. You're going to get fucked. You're going to get fucked five ways to the moon. Dude Ghost was hot. He was a hot dude. He was a baron, and he had an insatiable sexual appetite. At one point, we see a memory, a sexual memory.

Emmanuel doesn't really know what's happening, but she finds a book and starts sort of believing that what is in the book is an articulation of the sex lives of the people in this blurry framed picture. And so at one point, she's like, it's dinner time, and she prepares dinner. And then when everyone sits down to a meal, before they can even start shoveling food into their face, of the people in this blurry framed picture and so at one point she's like it's dinner time and she prepares dinner and then when everyone sits down to a meal before they can even start shoveling food into their face she's like i'm going to tell you an explicit detail about how

these motherfuckers fucked and it is explicit we see full frontal female nudity yeah for the first time yeah we see sock i regret saying that we We see the first sock sighting we've seen all season. Still no cock, though. No, I think we see like a whisper of a shadow of a penis. Was it in that bit? No, it was like right at the end. When they're before the other three go get in the pool. The one girl's like, no.

Which, by the way, Liv, there's a lot of sex in the pool in this movie. There's so much sex in the pool. Are you pro, anti, words of advice for people attempting? I just think water is not a lubricant. And it looks like. Hey, folks, water's not a lubricant. But you know when you've just got out of the pool and you try to put jeans on? Yeah.

I often dry my legs first. Yeah, but you can't fully dry. Unless you have a blow dryer. Do you take a blow dryer out of the pool to blow dry my legs first. Yeah, but you can't fully dry unless you have like a blow dryer. Do you take a blow dryer to the pool to blow dry your legs completely? No, but I use a towel. Hold on, Liv. Don't get sucked into his vortex. He's railroaded your good metaphor. No, you can dry your legs enough without a blow dryer to put on jeans.

No, no, not enough. Not enough to comfortably and easily put on jeans i genuinely didn't know you're wearing a pokemon t-shirt that rocks thank you i rock and it's got the original lineup pika choo squirtle charmander bulbasaur just the faves none of these other fucking bonus yeah that's what made pokemon yellow such a find yeah because you get given pikachu and then when you're out in your adventures you come across the other three core pokemon could you get given Pikachu, and then when you're out on your adventures, you come across the other three core Pokemon. Could you get everyone in yellow? Like, could you catch them all without having to trade the friends?

Or wait, 50. You've still got to trade, I think. I'm 51. Oh. Me too. Sorry. No, I don't think you could. But their renderings were much better on the Game Boys.

Who's your favorite Pokemon? In yellow. Yeah. It was the same. No. No, it wasn't. Not between blue and red and yellow. Yes, it was the same game. It's It was the same. No, it wasn't. Not between blue and red and yellow. Yes, it was the same game.

It's just Pikachu followed you. No, it was different. The way that the Pokemon looked when you came across them in the wild or in battle was different. It was more detailed. Send us a tweet at twioatpod and let us know. I'll fucking get on my phone right now. Do it. I'll close the share.

Fucking do it. Your phone's right there, friend. You get into it. I'm disagreeing with everyone. I think you can put and throw Wikipedia at you. Fucking do it. Your phone's right there, friend. You get into it. I'm disagreeing with everyone. I think you can put jeans on after a swim. We're not talking about that. We're talking about fucking in water. No, but let's talk about Pokemon.

Change the subject. Who do you think would be the best fucker out of all the Pokemon? Machoke. He's got a tiny, shriveled, roided dick, I reckon. He's got nothing going on. Yeah, but he can really throw you around. That's true. Machamp could throw you around.

There's like six arms. He's got too many arms. He's got an uncomfortable mouth. I was going to say. Actually, no, that's better. Yeah, Machamp. Hey, what's up, dickheads? I'm on the famous website Sheridan's Son.

What is that? I don't know. But the differences between red, blue, and yellow are minor. The graphics are the biggest change. Oh, fuck. As yellow contains updated and colored sprites. I once again can eat shit in the hand of Guy Montgomery. This is why I'm on the stool, man.

The other two of your hosts for this fine episode have got lovely chairs, but I'm on a little stool and it has been proven now that is where I belong. Yeah, because of your little ideas and your little attitudes. Tim, you were saying towards the end of the film when I begged off of you to hold off on this theory, off mic, so that you could share it with us in real time. You think that there's a good movie buried amongst the muck and the mire

of these ghosts? Oh, 100%. Because these ghosts is revealed toward the end. And it is quite hard to get a grip over the story because, like, the sound mix is so bad. I haven't seen Tenant, but I'm aware of the memes. This seems Tenant tenant level bad mixing to me you can't understand the dialogue yeah so what do we know at one point there's a scene that's

just really close to an extractor fan yes yeah i was like can you guys hear a rumble and then i turned it up to see if it was like something in my house it wasn't it's in the film yeah and it was because they were in the kitchen um but what do we know about this film? It is nice to know though, just as an aside, that whatever food is being cooked, the smell isn't overpowering the kitchen because often when I'm watching a movie, I'm always like, oh no, the whole house is going to smell of nacho beans.

You're right. And they have to fuck in the kitchen while they're cooking refried beans on the stove. Thank God they included the bad sound so that we could just make up peace with that. Yeah. We've got four adults, three ghosts, a house, some semblance of couples between the four. Yeah, the relationships are very unclear.

Quite a fluid sort of. Yeah. It is a bit, but then people also get angry. So it's not like a well-communicated open relationship scenario. It's well enough. Those fights, on the scale of fights, seemed somewhat like pesky. It was more like moods. It was like weather that people were going through

rather than a core problem with the relationship. So then what I'm saying is we've got these ghosts and towards the end it's revealed that, well, actually one of the last scenes is Emmanuel. The other three all get possessed. No, the two women do. Oh, yeah, the last scenes is Emmanuel. The other three all get possessed. No, the two women do. Oh, yeah, the two women get possessed. And they fuck the guy.

And then the guy does get possessed. And the other woman is either also possessed or just very into it. It's like Ghostbusters. Sir Gortney Weaver's character. I think she's the gatekeeper because I think Lewis is the key master and how she's like writhing around all sexy. And this is lost on both of you. Not a reference for you two.

I wish I watched Ghostbusters. I've seen it, but not enough. It's like if you take that kind of sexual position thing to its natural conclusion, it's this movie in a way, which is being haunted by thirsty demons. And Emmanuel falls into like a sex trance for ages while these other three like take turns getting possessed and fucking each other.

And then Emmanuel kind of banishes them because he starts saying, one of the men ghosts who's fucking Emmanuel. The Baron? Yeah, it could be the Baron. He's like, starts describing the scenario that they're in, which is neither heaven nor hell, and that she should join them

because they'd be able to just fuck forever. And then she's like, do I need to die? And he's like, no, join me in this place that isn't heaven or hell, where we can like, you know, fuck forever. He doesn't want to do... Good explanation. Because it's when she takes the picture off the frame

and she's like about to put it in the fire to expel the house of ghosts. But then she did, but so then she does, because she like, she doesn't even put the photo in the fire to expel the house of ghosts. But then she did. But so then she does. Cause she like, she doesn't even put the photo in the frame to get rid of them. She's just like be gone. Cause she figures it out. Yeah.

So this concept of having horny as fuck ghosts who are stuck in purgatory. Who have also gone to warehouse stationery to print out a photo to put in the pool. Or what is it called in America? Kinkos? Kinkos. Just trying to regionalize it for our listener base. And so we've got these thirsty ghosts, real people in some sort of fluid relationship,

and the ghosts are trying to pull them in. It's like a vampire movie. It's like, no, you've got to get bit. There's a good movie in there. Except you've got to get fucked. Well, fucked well you gotta get dead is actually it just to become a killer though yeah no he does it like he has his hand around his throat in an erotic way yeah but it was going my champ kind of thing it was going there that was the whole that was my read on the thing but then again i did get the pokemon yellow graphics thing wrong. So now my faith and my,

my logic is all gone. It felt like he was trying to like steal her spirit. Like he was trying to, he was trying to convince her to like her spirit. I think, I think it's not death. What is not death? If it isn't being unshackled from your body.

Murder. It just seemed, it seemed more like voluntary. I don't think on her part. Yeah. Cause he wasn't trying to talk her into like die. On her part. Yeah, because he wasn't trying to talk her into dying. But again, I think it's a vampire thing. It's like they've got to kind of agree to the deal. Can I introduce to my third theory,

which is that he just liked the way the weekend had been and she was going to throw it all away by burning the picture. He was like, don't burn the picture. Just bring more mates over. We'll all get fucking confused and horny for a weekend and then you know the funniest bit which live cracked on too early was that the bar you hear a word like baron you think 19th century yeah these cunts were from 2006 the the blonde streaky highlights the like very red lipstick yeah there is something very modern about that

lipstick and the nails as well. Yeah, the French tips. Super horny aesthetic. But modern. Oh yeah. Hyper modern. Yeah, they didn't look from the 18th century for a second. Good teeth. Are barons still around?

Can you get a modern day baron? Oh, Baron Trump. Of course you can. But there must be other barons. Are barons still around? Can you get a modern day baron? Oh, Baron Trump. Of course you can. But there must be other barons. Oil barons. Yeah, is that an official title? No, no. It's just more like a descriptor.

No, there's got to be the modern day baron. Maybe in Germany. Maybe someone in Germany. Maybe in Germany. Yeah. I want a German Emmanuel. A German Baron with an elephant cock. There's a stereotype, which I feel like really took hold in the 2000s. That German Barons have massive schlongs?

No, that Germans do a lot of scat pornography and scat sex. Is this not something you're aware of? Please don't make me watch that. I'm not going to. I wonder if it's based on anything or if it's just like a form of bigotry. Yeah, Germans were also prim and proper, so it was believed that they were up to absolute filth in the bedroom. Oh, like it's – okay.

There's that famous club in Berlin, the Berghain, where it's like you go into the Berghain, chances are you're going to get pissed on. Chances are. Not enough toilets to many people. That's why I go in. That's why you go in. Please, today. You get into Berghain chance that you're going to get pissed on. Chances are not enough toilets to many people. That's why I go in. That's why you go in.

Please, today. If you get into Berghain, I understand it could be very challenging. I made a TV series. I produced it. It was like a web series but it didn't actually

get on TV. Called The Male Gays was Chris Parker and Eli Matheson. We had a chat to a guy who ran a gay nightclub in the 2000s, I think early 2000s for years and years and they had a chat to a guy who ran a gay nightclub in the 2000, I think early 2000s for years and years.

And they had a, um, leather daddy who would just, he was like, I can't remember the word, but it was like a piss Lord or something where he just loved being urinated on and would just hang out in the urinal. Imagine putting that on your CV.

Yeah. Leather daddy slash piss Lord for six years. Oh my God. This great club. It was, um, what is now medium, madam George, I think on K years. Oh, my God. At this great club. It was what is now Madam George, I think, on K Road. Oh, wow. I just remembered a friend of mine went to Berkheim and was taking a piss, and there was a guy in the urinal who was like, hey, could you piss on me?

Really? Yeah, and my friend was like, okay, sure. Yeah, you want to be pissed on? I'm pissing, why not? So they pissed on him, And then another person came in And then I think he I don't know what the exact social dynamic was But he sort of got in a situation

Where he was also meant to be pissed on in return Oh no He was like, I actually don't want that I did not read the terms and conditions I'm a pisser, not a pissy Yeah, yeah, yeah So just look out there, everyone Yeah, you got to read what's on the tin

That's shitty That's shitty though, man Because your friend was doing something that might have been out of his comfort zone To help a person out And then you get pissed on him To help someone And then he's going to get urinated on Without any bloody

You've just done a favour for someone Come on It's an incredible favorite economy we're pissing on someone is that come on man i pissed on you who was uh did you have a fave character out of all the humans and ghosts that were in this film we've got seven different people i think i guess and a horse oh the horse i think i liked emmanuel the best. She was the least whiny.

She's so confusing to me. She's pretty cool. Where is she from? She makes some mean nachos. She's from Transylvania. Yeah, her accent does, in this film, lead me to suggest that she is Transylvanian, which is a very specific kind of a choice, I think,

for where to take the Emmanuelle character. Yeah. She started French, became American, and now Transylvania. She's been from different parts of Eastern Europe a bit recently. Is this the whole – is it the same actress the whole series? No, it's James Bond style. The character and spirit lives on through different interpretations.

It's what I'm planning to do with the Guy Montgomery franchise. Will you pass on the wardrobe to another six foot? Yeah, I'm hoping that Guy Montgomery outlives us all. How tall are you? 6'2"? Yeah. 6'2". 6'2". You've got to find some... They could be different

sizes. Some beautiful 6'2". Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. They look ridiculous in your clothes. Yeah, yeah. Imagine if I put your sweaters on. You'd look great. I wouldn't.

I'm not tall enough. No, you'd look good. What do you think, Liv? I think... Throw it over to a tiebreaker. I think you'd look good. Thanks, Liv. Is that convincing?

Yeah. No, I bought it. That was deeply unconvincing. I was just thinking if I wore your clothes, I'd look like a toddler. Is that convincing? Yeah. No, I bought it. It was deeply unconvincing. I was just thinking if I wore your clothes, I'd look like a toddler. Like a very cool toddler. Why? I was short and toddler-y, I don't know.

A little hat? Toddlers are getting trendier and trendier. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. Is it? Yes. It makes me jealous. You will one day take charge of a toddler yourself So

You're gonna deliberately Dress them like dirt Not like dirt But there's like The point is not being Trended Like fuck that Fashion is such bullshit

And like Being in trend Is such bullshit There we go You wanna like Protect your kid For as long as possible From that kind of

Carry on Yeah but you also want them to look sick. Yeah, the whole point They'll look cool. Style is forever but trends are a stupid thing we should give to toddlers. What are you going to put your toddler in? A fucking three piece dinner suit if it's before

6pm. I'll just fix tuxedos on them. What are they sleeping? They sleep in a silk two-piece. I like it. Yeah. Elegance, not trendiness. I see.

It's going to be the order of the day. And what about when they start having their own opinions about what they should be wearing? Then they can shut the fuck up. They'll continue to wear the three-piece. Yes, exactly. You know what, Tim? I came in against you, but I've come out the other side with you. I couldn't agree more. Don't take this the wrong way,

but you struck me as someone who's consumed a bit of porn in your time. No. Really? Yeah, I always forget about porn. You forget about porn because your imagination's so good? Yeah. I always forget about porn. You forget about porn because your imagination is so good? Yeah. That is awesome. Yeah.

And then sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah, I could watch porn. But it just, meh. Yeah. Every once in a while. Yeah. A special treat. Yeah. A special treat.

Do you remember when you first came across porn, when you were first introduced to the fact that it exists? I don't know. I remember the first episode of Sex and the City that it exists i don't know i remember the first episode of sex in the city i saw yeah which i feel like was probably the closest yeah which was the one where um samantha no not samantha charlotte was she she i think she has a dream or she and she fucks the um gardener and she's married to Is it Trey? Yeah Trey

And it's like a rose garden She's in the rose garden and it's all like Steamy and yeah I remember watching that I was like this is lit This is great But I don't remember the first porn I watched But that's because I was like

Got the internet when I was like You were born into it Yeah I was like, got the internet when I was like, you're born into it. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we got our first computer. And then so I probably saw some gnarly stuff. Do you know what there needs to be is like a new dominant genre of porn,

which is just respectful, normal style. Dude, just missionary all day. I honestly feel like it's due a comeback. Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like if you've got, say you're, you're in your mid to late twenties now,

but there's, they've kept making children since, you know, since the Liv McKenzie release. And they are like, you know, there's internet, constant exposure to internet.

What an artful way of saying there's people younger than you. That's why it's such a good stand up. Who would think to say it like that? We feel good about getting older. But all of their, like, they're so conditioned to some of the most hardcore and, like, what is, you know, what is not a normal, like, porn is like watching, I think I used to even try and do a joke about this,

watching porn before you've had sex, it's like watching Roger Federer play tennis and then being like, I can do that that and trying to play tennis and being frustrated you don't play tennis like roger federer and like what the fuck do you expect you've watched the best in the biz do it for however long and you haven't even begun but it's like stand-up too yeah oh absolutely because you watch your favorite stand-ups you're like that looks easy no actually no i feel like i never watched stand-up being like i was was like, I could never do that. And then I went to like an open mic and I was like,

oh, I can do that. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, I can bomb for five minutes, absolutely. But there needs to be like a premature ejaculation sub-genre of porn. Impotence porn. All of the melodies which befall young lovers. Surely that's out there. That's got to be a thing.

I guess that's like Big Mouth or something, isn't it? Yeah. It's like TV shows which deal with these young adult issues. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it's probably a category of porn as well. Yeah, there needs to be like an intro to porn.

There's everything. Everything's out there, man. Man. They've got everything on there. They really do. It's too expensive yeah so i can't it's i feel like i've just missed too much there's too much to catch up on so i can't get it porn wise it's not all one narrative you can sort of imagine if it was i can't go back and watch it all i've you don't have to watch it all i'm telling you yeah i feel about sopranos the way you feel about pornography.

I also feel like that about podcasts too. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to listen to all the podcasts. Yeah, but I feel like I can't say I'm a fan of a podcast unless I've listened to all of it. So I can't say I'm a fan of porn unless I've watched all of it. You know?

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes a kind of sense. Yeah, I can't be a fake fan fuck man and like even in this um bracket of emmanuel's with this woman whose name i should know by now oh all of hers have been bad this one so boring it's a great title it was really sex lives of ghosts are you kidding me? We did I mean You would think That seeing

Full female Full frontal nudity Is that your phone mate? Or is that my phone? It's my phone Who is it? Taryn Taryn Mahomba

Do you need to take that? I don't know Can I just check my phone? Yeah you can take that But I will record it Taryn can make or break Someone in this industry You never leave him

On read He hasn't messaged me Or anything He's just called me We'll record it. Taryn can make or break someone in this industry. You never leave him on read. He hasn't messaged me or anything. He's just called me. That is a classic over 40 move. He's going to be offering you a gig in three months in Raglan. Can I just take this opportunity to say this? If you're listening to this podcast and you're dealing with anyone in your life under the age of, let's say, 36, and you just ring them out of the blue please stop doing that it is horrible it's a horrible

thing to do to someone have you ever got an absolutely out of the blue um facetime from brendan lovegrove oh yeah but not for a while yeah yeah yeah i haven't had the pleasure in a little hot minute yeah he loves to do that. That's different, though. The rules don't apply to love, though. Yeah, no. He's crazy. Yeah, so this movie is bad in a bad bucket of movies, you know? And I don't know how many more we've got to watch with this woman,

although I don't think it's that many. Natasha? Yeah. Natasha something. You liked that one of the actors was simply known as Kelsey. I think that's very funny to just be like, I'm going to drop the last name like Beyonce, but your name's Kelsey.

We've come across that a lot in the porn, this Emmanuel journey. Who was the cool sound dude? Thomas Boom. Oh, no, no, no. There was a composer who did like a raft of them that had really cool soundtracks i think it was the french ones and he was just like a one-name guy as well it's i think it's and you can look him up on spotify he actually has some good songs

it's probably just a not just a porn thing it's just an artist thing so it's like prince but you think like make up a full if you're gonna do porn just have a full porn star like fake name like stage name um first and last first and last amanda sock burn yeah don't do just just calci is very funny calci p or calci it is one of those names yeah i feel like there's no calcis right now but when there was like a hundred at one go, and then we were done on them. Everyone agreed, no more Kelsey's. Not New Zealand though.

Also, can I get your hot take on something that Guy observed in this movie? Americans have shitty kitchens. Yeah. Yeah, this was a pretty... Most of our audience live in America, so talk to them about it. Fuck you, fuck your kitchens, fuck your families. Okay. Go fuck yourselves.

Maybe just concentrate more on the kitchen part of it. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You're an embarrassment to kitchens worldwide. It looked like a classic American kitchen in this movie because I don't even know if it's real. You guys have lived there. I've never lived there. You're an embarrassment to kitchens worldwide. It looked like a classic American kitchen in this movie. Because I don't even know if it's real. You guys have lived there. I've never lived there.

You've never seen one. All the kitchens that you see depicted in film and television from American series and movies are the same. And there's these huge, sprawling, double-door fridge, soda-laden, kitchen aisle having bar stool a donning shitty faux tile work dressed up pieces of shit and the burbs yeah and they have bad ovens they're either too big or too little in this case too little it was like a tiny oven i have i just have i don't have a very good eye for like interior design so i was like little it was like a tiny oven i have i just have i don't have a very good eye for like interior design so i was like it just looks like a kitchen i don't know i can't

tell that's fair i would like i would never design my own house you wouldn't trust i mean i can't afford a house but if i could it's a fun dream to play around yeah yeah absolutely someone else would be like when i played the sims i never like designed the houses i was like yeah yeah chuck a fridge in there woohoo and what was the game about for you then? Woohoo. About woohoo? Yeah, The Sims having sex. Oh, is that what they call it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making woohoo. Yeah. And then do they have children? Yes. I think maybe later on. Yeah, not in the first gen. Yeah, I'm not sure if they got pregnant.

Maybe like three. I feel like three. Three was a real turning point in the franchise oh well I think you could either just woohoo

or you could try for a baby oh true would you guys do that thing where you'd build a pool and take the ladder out

oh yeah or put them all in a room set off fireworks take the doors out it was kind of insane that the game let you do it

because of course everyone was pointing at gta like this is the reason that society is crumbling but the sims is like it's on a deeper level like gta is like mindless immediate violence but the sims is like psychological warfare where it's like i'm gonna take the door out and watch you realize that you're gonna die because you have to get really creative with it gta you can just run someone down to your car and that's boring you've got to put people in a deathly situation and then

remove all means of escape from that situation and everyone talks about like you know how popular gta is i'm pretty sure the sims as a franchise has outsold gta as a franchise it's more pervasive yeah i feel like you know the kind of people playing GTA. Predominantly it's like kind of 19-year-old dudes. Yeah. But everybody plays the same. Yeah, yeah, totally. Boys and girls.

Socks and cocks. I will never recover from vaginas being described as socks. The good thing about this podcast is Guy and I, as soon as we hit the record button to stop the recording, it's gone, man. We don't remember anything we've said. It just exists out there on the ether. And a beautiful little vacuum.

Look, we've been sort of vaguely dancing around discussing this porn for about 30 minutes, but we all know the real reason that we watch porn is to become aroused. And it's different for cocks and socks, but there is a man who comes into our podcast every episode to check in on the varying levels of arousal. Hello. And wouldn't you know it. Hello, porn inspector. Hello, sir.

Hello, Tim. I feel like it's been a really long time since I've seen you. It has. I've been out pounding the pavement, knocking on doors, and checking on whores. Pounding the pavement. Oh, I really wish I'd listened to an episode of this before I came on. It sounds like you've been having sex with concrete, is that- Or just, like, walking around.

Walking around, trying to find boners. Checking on socks. Yeah, yeah. You hear the new terminology? Please don't look at my socks. Everyone's calling pussies socks these days. Boner Inspector, and I will use your official job title because we have a guest in the house for the first time.

Yes, hello. I'd like to introduce you to Liv McKenzie, who's a New Zealand comedian. Hi, Liv. Hi, Boner Inspector. Who's hanging out today. I'm so sorry to intrude like this. Liv has just watched a movie with Guy and I.

Yes. Called Emmanuel the Sex Life of Ghosts. That's how I knew to visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll start with you, Tim. Yeah, I'll kick off. Any murmurings of an erection? Well, the interesting thing is this, Bon, yeah. Well, I'll start with you, Tim. Yeah, I'll kick off. Any murmurings of an erection? Well, the interesting thing is this, Boner Inspector.

I understand you saw a full sock. Full sock this time for the first time, which was interesting in more of a meta way than a sensual way. You mean in a canonical sort of way it fits in with the entirety of the franchise? More like take a zoom out of being in the story and look at it as a cultural product or a production per se and be like, interesting.

It took them this long to break that rule. This movie, I don't know exactly when it came out, but I want to say 2004. The way you're describing it, Tim, doesn't sound very horny. Maybe a boner of the mind. It was a boner of the mind. It was a boner of the mind of sorts, yeah.

Tell me about your pants. Peaked my interest. The pants narrate a whisper, I'm sorry to say. And do you know what else? I was so bored in the movie that I kept smoking weed, and then I think because I was stoned, I would get more bored of the movies, and I would smoke more weed,

and it became a vicious cycle. And I don't think that's a drug that leads to sexual arousal either weed can be an erotic drug yeah that's true, but it wasn't in this case so I'm so sorry to report I've got nothing for you that's okay, now Liv, I'm sorry to do this to you

the old shock sock, did anything turn you on in this movie? no, I think I think I felt like the same way i felt about 50 shades of gray where i was like or like reading the books where i was like god this dialogue is so boring i just wish they'd have sex then they'd have sex and i'd be like not this again i want to develop the plot but then the plot's so boring i'm like oh i just wanted it to end yeah i felt like i was stuck in a sexual limbo

but i wasn't even getting fucked by a ghost waste of my fucking time uh guy no see ya very well what a confronting man yeah he's full-on does he invite him or um he kind of just knows to come yeah he's a bit like Santa. He's less magnanimous. Are you going to say less magnetic? He's very magnetic. Santa is? No, no, the boner inspector. Oh, okay.

He makes no bones about who he is. He's unapologetically himself. And in that respect, you've got to think it. That's one aspect of being magnetic. You've got to have a kind of generosity of spirit coupled with that. Otherwise, you're just Jeff Bezos. He's got to have a kind of generosity of spirit coupled with that. Otherwise, you're just Jeff Bezos. Got a pretty sad backstory as well, that guy.

I can't remember the details, but. Yeah. Yeah, I remember it being sad. I do remember it being sad. It's twilight pod on Twitter. If you remember what this story was. Has he had sex? We don't know. He sort of roams the earth looking for a boner.

Yeah, it really feels like a vibe of a guy who has not had sex before. He's like a spirit. He's like in a limbo of sorts. You know what I mean? A sexy ghost. Yeah, just shambling around this mortal realm. Looking for socks and cocks. Looking for socks and cocks that have signs of arousal.

And he can't have peace until he finds one of those genitals. Yeah, which is in stark contrast to our other guest on every episode of the podcast. Yeah, who I think I can see just walking up the path now to the studio. Here he is. Yes.

Hello, George. Hello, Tim. Hello, Tim. Liv, I'd like to introduce you to the world's greatest listener, one-time James Bond, the Australian thunder from down under, former model, current man dining out on his one-time Bond experience, and currently alive, George Lazenby. Hi, George. Hi, Liv.

So nice to meet you. So nice to meet you. So nice to see you. Ah, well, how has everyone? It's been a minute. It has been a bit, but you sound better than ever, George. Well, I've been cutting back. You've been cutting back on the cigs? Yeah.

I didn't actually know you were a cigarette smoker. Big style. Yeah, you are an older man, and it sort of is a, I feel like it's a drag on the bike on here. It's an old-fashioned habit, yeah. actually know you're a cigarette smoker big style yeah you are an older man and it sort of is a um i feel like it's a drag old-fashioned habit yeah yeah down to a couple of packs a day yeah so this is live and this is a friend of guy in mine who's a fantastic just watched a pornography with us i don't know what you know about me live but i have been saddled with an erection that i tuck into the collar of my dress shirt for as long as I can remember. It's massive.

I crave respite. Oh, no, George. That's no good. Yeah, the boner inspector needs to – Now, listen. It is crazy that these two gentlemen cannot seem to get it together because, to use that ghostbusters analogy again we have got a gatekeeper and a key master one man has an unsatiated boner that he needs

to release yeah and another man is in dire search of an erection and they never seem to teasing the existence of this guy they never seem to be in the same place at the same time. Romeo and Juliet. Really, as a pair of star-crossed lovers. Basically, I have medium to deep pockets and a desire to have a porno commissioned, but I'm looking for pictures, descriptions of pornographic materials that might cut the mustard.

Okay. So if you would be so kind as to pitch a porno to me. Okay. Do I go away for 20 minutes and write a pitch? If you like. Free all in the room. Okay. So it's two people and they're having sex.

Okay. I'm listening. That's the whole pitch. Oh, my God. I love it. I actually love it. Before you got here, we've been talking about how there needs to be more realistic,

I think, sex to introduce, more realistic porn. Yes. To introduce people to it. It's a hard entry point, isn't it? It's like what Nintendo, to keep going on this video game thing, it's like what Nintendo did with the Wii. It's like everyone who hasn't gamed before is confused by the PlayStation, Xbox controls.

Let's make a wand. Yeah, yeah. Let's make entry-level porn. Yeah, so it's two people having sex. It's not very good. The guy's like, he's trying to go down on the girl. He doesn't quite know where the clit is. She's like, no, just lift a little, no, right, like up. Like he just can't quite know where the clit is She's like no just left like Left a little no right like

Up like he just can't He just can't quite figure it out He's kind of just chewing on her labia like he's just not Doing a good job And then so she kind of gives up on that Because she knows she's not going to come she's like okay no let's just Just finish this Yeah yeah kill him

And then he And then he And then She snaps his neck No She And then they have sex And he comes in like Two minutes

And then he asks her If she comes And she said no And how does he take that Not well He's pretty He's pretty upset Because most girls

He's been with before Have faked it So he thinks he's good But it's because No one's Been honest with him But sometimes it's because no one's been honest with him but sometimes it's easy to just fake it and they get out of your house this is like heavy on the realism and yeah yeah maybe slightly light on the eroticism yeah because it's real so it's real

life baby yeah and then he he tears up a little bit and she's like it's fine it's fine nothing to be embarrassed about like it happens but you just need to know i don't know you need to like investigate how to please a woman more and then and then he puts his shoes on very sadly and then he leaves and then she brings out a vibrator wow and then it's erotic oh okay yeah because the vibrator it seems kind of sad it seems yeah that's sex baby It's very sad. Well, George, does this quit your whistle? Well, it's interesting, not in the traditional sense, but when you're really in the nitty-gritty of the storytelling, my erection did sag a touch. Sagged.

That's not what we want. Well, it's a form of relief, but it's not your traditional means. Oh, so we're like, Liv's found a way to get around the whole business of making you come yes just a boner killer porno yes uh but then you sort of described at the end when he left and everything started heating up again i don't want to see it i don't want to make it oh no yeah big break no it sounded like there was a third thing coming in that list that was going to negate the other two things you just said. I don't want to see it.

I don't want to make it. But? But, you know, good on you. Oh, okay. What do you do for work? I'm a stand-up comedian. Keep at it. Keep at it.

You know, it takes years. My side hustle is writing pornography. Okay, well. It's my true dream. Don't quit your day job. Oh, no. And that's coming from George fucking Lazenby. I'm heartbroken.

Yeah, you can actually leave now. Okay. Bye, George. See you, George. Man. I did not like him. Yeah, he's kind of a dick. He's all right. No. He means well. I like him. Yeah, he's kind of a dick. He's all right.

No. He means well. Wasn't he supposed to be Australian? He doesn't really know where. He's traveled a lot. He's spent a lot of time in the UK. He's one of those guys who, you know, one of those people who's lived abroad for a few years

and they come back and they're like, I sound like this now. Yeah, yeah. But you weren't there long enough to sound like that. You were gone for nine weeks. like, I sound like this now. You weren't there long enough to sound like that. You were gone for nine weeks. Yeah, I was. I was going to say a last name at the end of that to call out someone I went to high school with

but I'm not going to do it just in case because they did do that and it was the UK and you cannot get a British accent in nine weeks. Give us the initials. ID. Yeah, we'll just leave that sit there. Ian. Damascus.

Real warm. Right. How about that? Um, Liv. Mm-hmm. We've got a segment on this podcast called The Shining Light. Mm-hmm. It's been with us since the beginning, since season one.

It's an opportunity to relieve the sort of Negative aura that can sometimes emanate From around us Because we subject ourselves to sub-optimal viewing experiences So was there any scene, moment Could literally be something as small as a candle You saw in the background of frame Was there anything that happened in Emmanuel's Sex with Ghosts

Sex Lives of Ghosts Could Emmanuel's Sex with Ghosts? Sex Lives of Ghosts. Could be called Sex with Ghosts. And it seems to me my favorite bit was a candle in the room. Yeah, it could be. Burning slightly brightly. Keep going. I don't know what rhymes with room.

Worm. Yeah. Zoom. All good options. Sorry, we're out of it now. So something nice I liked. Yeah, it's like your favorite bit of the movie. I think we can all agree the movie wasn't fantastic. I liked the end bit where there was just a shot of Emmanuel.

And I was like, oh, she's really pretty. Yeah, you liked her, huh? Yeah, I thought she was pretty. Cool. I liked her vibe. You're going to marry her? Maybe. I hope so.

I'm proposing tonight. Wow. Wish me luck. her vibe. You going to marry her? Maybe. I hope so. I'm proposing tonight. Wow. Wish me luck. Good luck. Good luck. You going to take her back to her family in Transylvania? Ask Dracula for her hand. I'm taking her back to the ghost fucking house.

Yes, but live first. You must ask my father's permission. Oh, I thought it was dad. That's Emmanuel. Her dad is the count from Sesame Street. It's pretty wild having a depiction of Nosferatu in a kid's puppet show, you know? Oh, is that what he's supposed to be?

Well, you know, Dracula. It's all the same shit. Nosferatu's in SpongeBob. Oh, yeah, that's right. I remember that one. Nosferatu, because he keeps flicking Oh yeah that's right I remember that one Yeah and they're like Nosferatu Because he keeps flicking the lights on and off Yeah yeah

And it's got that original footage From like the Yeah yeah yeah It's like actual Fuck Spongebob was good It's great When I was an au pair In New York

I would just make the kids watch Spongebob They keep making it though right? Yeah Do you know if it's a Simpsons situation Where I mean like Something can't be good for that long. I think there's probably not as many episodes per season. I'm not sure.

Yeah. I know that there were some decisions. What's his name? Steven. Hillenburg. Yeah, nice. I met him. Did you?

Yeah. When? So my old host mum used to work at TV Land, which is part of Viacom. And so we got to do like a tour of Nickelodeon Studios. And if we were there on the right day, they would have been recording Spongebob. Oh, my God. And we just missed a day.

Oh, my God. But we met Stephen Hillebury and I was like sweating. It's like the most starstruck I've ever been. I was so excited. Yeah. And the kids did not give a shit. They were like, is this where they make Cartoon Network? And me and the mum were like, is this where they make Cartoon Network?

I mean, the mum were like, oh, my God. You can't say that. Yeah. Hugely embarrassed. What a faux pas. Yeah. By the au pair. Really was. Two French words.

What's he like? He was nice. He was like, he's dead now. Yes, he is. What was he like? Is that how I should have phrased that? Nice. He was still nice

I heard he met an au pair At the studio And never recovered The kids she was looking after Were asking about cartoon network Come on man I was the last straw He died

Yeah he was like He just seemed like a quiet Kind of nerdy little dude I think he was originally A marine biologist Yeah yeah He had big marine biologist energy. Which is?

Which is just like, yeah. Booky, bookish. Yeah, yeah. Like, he seemed kind of shy. He wasn't like, oh my God, you know, some Americans are like that. He wasn't like SpongeBob. No, no, no. And I was pretty upset by that.

What can Americans be like? Bah! Yeah. Americans do be like that. They really do. What do British people be like? And, Americans do be like that. They really do. What do British people be like? And what about Germans?

Aussies? Yeah, you're right. And now we're going to travel to Asia. Well, that seems like it's a good time to round things off. You got a shining light guy for this ep? This movie?

Fuck, he is coming up so short. Oh, do you know what? The dude. The guy who played the dude was like acting. He was like a stage actor or something who'd been cast in this porn and it was his big break into cinema. He was acting so hard. Like his face was working overtime.

The others seem to know the limits of the movie and how successful it would be, but he had a belief that if he turned in the greatest performance of his life, this would, you know, go on to bigger things. And in a way it did because he did look a little bit like Matt Dillon's brother, Kevin Dillon, who is still an actor actually. In fact, there's that funny photo of him and charlie

sheen and johnny depp going around where they all looked super washed out on the internet recently some australian i reckon i might know why some australian account posted a photo of it saying bad day to be a bag oh my god that is a stunning caption What about you Tim? Fuck Don't have a thing Just be yourself Have fun with it I'm just trying to be honest as well though

Like I want to pick something That I genuinely did enjoy If you're having fun They're having fun Fuck man This is hard Nachos? Well they weren't actually nachos Fuck, man. This is hard. Nachos?

Well, they weren't actually nachos. We just misheard Emanuela. Oh. Oh, now I'm really upset. Yeah, so I was to burst that bubble. I mean, I kind of like that at the beginning of this film, there were flash somethings, backs, forwards, whatever you would like, with a horse. And then it was just kind of like never addressed.

I like that there was a horse in this movie. Yeah, it's nice to see horses. It's nice to see horses. That's my shining light. I was going to say there should be a cartoon about horses, but then I realized there was one quite recently. By Jack Horseman, Liv. Oh, I was trying to think of My Little Pony.

Also true. Ponies aren't horses. Oh, come on, man. Read a fucking book for once. Oh, Liv, where to think of My Little Pony. Also true. Ponies aren't horses. Oh, come on, man. Read a fucking book for once. Oh, Liv, where can people find you online? Oh, I have Instagram. I have... Oh, wow.

Don't be coy. My Instagram is... It's important to have different handles on different platforms. I know. My Instagram is livingthed the dream but it's underscore after live and then i think my twitter is like live underscore can we go back to the instagram one yeah so live underscore ving the dream no live underscore in the dream l-i-v underscore i-n-g the dream yes great yeah just the one underscore. Cause her name's live. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I tweet like once a month. So what do you tweet? I tweeted what I tweet yesterday. I tweeted something that's like, I'm watching the Olympics cause I hate sports, but I love watching athletes cry. Fuck.

Get on that. What's your Twitter handle? It's, I think it's live at live underscore McKenzie underscore comedian. Great pitch. Fighting off live McKenzie doctor. Live McKenzie doctor. All right, fuckos.

Thanks for joining us for this exciting episode of the West Side Every Time. How many Emanuels have we got left? I feel like this was 30. I heard a rumor this was the last one. Nah, you heard well. You heard wrong. We have watched about, I think this is 33, 34

something in there and 52. I didn't I haven't revisited this since we kicked off but when I did the original count trying to put it all together, there's a few we've got to avoid. We've been told that they're no good. They're like bad. Very missable.

Not like bad movies, but like objectionable. Yeah. So we'll give those a dodge. And I think, leaving the other ones, it is pretty close to 52. So we've still got another fucking like 20 on. Boys, why do you do this to yourself? I'm with you. By the time we're done watching these pornos, or like even after, I'll be a fucking dad.

You're going to watch it with the baby. No. Start him young. We should have the baby on the podcast. We're probably out of necessity well at some point. You should have just watched Twilight. There's only five of them. First baby on a porno podcast.

I don't want to watch Twilight. You do. All right, everybody. Enjoy the rest of your whatever the fuck. Bye-bye. Yeah, get him, Tim. Thank you.