The Worst Idea Of All Time - 33: The Ben MacGougan Turn

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

It's funky, it's kinky, it's another Emmanuelle (specifically 2004's Sexual Spells). We've got a writer, an escort and wealthy man with a great accent and facial hair to match. We've also got NZ comedian/known pervert Ben MacGougan to join the boiz for an Emmanuelle that is explicit in a brand new way (featuring an incredible sexual act taking place in a car with a sunroof).WATCH BEN: (Ben MacGougan - YouTube)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 You ever seen porn before? Ben McGugan, our guest for this episode of The Worst Idea of All Time. This is, as I say, first I'm hearing about it. Didn't know you could do this. I can't believe it. It's incredible. And I love boobs and bums. Naked woman.

And you can just do that and then anyone can watch it? Amazing. Yeah, you can do anything these days, man. It's a post-9-11 world that we're in, the Emmanuel franchise. And technology has afforded us the ability to record things in high definition, but then we will watch them at a degraded quality. Yeah. It's also, in the world of the podcast, we're also in a a degraded quality. Yeah. It's also, in the world of the podcast,

we're also in a post-9-11 world. That's also true. We're in an Olympic era in this year, 2021. The Olympics actually, Tim, technically predate 9-11. That's a point. I mean, these 2020 Olympics, which are occurring now in July of 2021, or August when this comes out, actually.

Imagine being the first Olympics back after 9-11. Rough. It'd be tough, eh? Imagine being the first Olympics back after World War II. Yeah, jeepers. Yikes. God zooks. Yeah.

Sending all our, you know, support out to Olympics that had to follow significant gut-wrenching world events. Today we watched Emmanuel and the Sexual Spells. Sex Spells? Sexual Spells? No, sexual was definitely in there somewhere. Sexual was definitely in the title. It's Emmanuel and a variety of words. No, listen, don't scrub through this.

Sexual is in the title somewhere. The other bits are not. I'm pretty sure. Okay, we got it. We'll lock it in. Yeah. Emmanuel is in the title somewhere. The other bits I'm not. Sexual spells. I'm pretty sure. Okay. We got it. We'll lock it in. Yeah. Emmanuel and the sexual spells.

We're new here, sexual spells. What do you think, Ben? Do you think a woman who spells words sexually? Or do you think about, like, witches? I thought it was going to be witches. And when I first saw Emmanuel, Emmanuel for this film, I thought it was spells because I thought she was in some kind of mystical trance.

But that's not the case. She's just like that. Yeah. Yeah, you know how women be. Women be sharp enough. We know how the specific woman be, and that is lost. Confused and confusing. Yeah.

And also dozing, coming in and out of naps, spending a lot of time horizontal by herself. She's in bed so much. Having voyeuristic sex dreams. Occasionally, she visits a high-end author. Emmanuel has now been topless for so much time on screen that it's like there's nothing sexual about it to me anymore. There's a supply and demand curve.

I've long maintained this. The reason why our society treats breasts in the way that it does is because we hide them away. It's a weird forced sexualization thing. I don't know. It seems like it's related to the church, et cetera, et cetera. Fill in your own blanks. I'm trying to do my bit by sexualizing my own nipples.

Yeah, go on, you bro. Yeah. I'm going to sexualize my clothes. It's not free the nipple. It's like imprison all nipples. Yeah. Or be attracted to my nipples I've got little

Tiny little pink dots Itty bitty nippies I've got itty bitty nippies too How your nipples been? You've got tiny little nipples Mine are perfect, pert and powerful Triple three peas He's got plosive nipples

Mine's actually kind of One of them It looks like I've had that nipple pierced, but I never did. I liked the fantasy better. Sorry. I like the grim reality of your nipples. I'm not walking back the three Ps. I love that as well. They are powerful. But it's just, I wanted to introduce you to them.

Powerful, pierced. Yeah. Potentially. Potentially. Perfect in every way. Perfection can look like anything, not unlike a family. Tell you what, this movie and this franchise took a real turn. It's getting more explicit and more sexually intense

in a move that heretofore will be referred to as the Ben McGugan turn in the emmanuel franchise which is when things started getting super racy you and you you guys had some soft core pornography and you knew what was on the horizon it was some dirty dirty smut so you called in a real pervert yeah we didn't actually say in the first episode we did have a dial a pervert clause in this season of the podcast here I am as Mary Poppins on my way into your podcast you were super late because you had to knock on all the doors around the neighbourhood to tell them there was a pervert on the street

Ben McGugan qualified pervert so glad you could make it for this viewing thank you so much for having me I'm extremely horny all of the time. I think this is our 33rd Emmanuel. Have you seen an Emmanuel movie before? This is my first.

As I say, it's my first film. It's incredible that you've managed to develop such a reputation as a pervert for a man who didn't know porn existed until an hour and a half ago. What I'd do is I'd go down to the beach and just sort of etch breasts into the sand. Very analogue way of doing it. Just hashtag look up and hashtag etch breasts into the sand. Hashtag look up, hashtag walk to the beach, hashtag look down.

Hashtag find a stick. Hashtag draw some breasts in that sand. What did you think of the film as a movie, as a piece of cinema? Bad. Why do you say that? It was... Why do you say that, you negative gnarly? Well, it was just boring, I guess.

It was like... So what? That meant nothing to you? All that stuff we just did, all those riffs we had, that was all nothing to you? I mean, there was some fun to be had, that's for sure. But a lot of it, man, it was just kind of gross and weird. What about the part of the movie when you said, did they ever do guy-on-guy stuff?

And then we said no, and then there was a woman fucking a snake. What about that, Ben? Is that boring to you as well in your sick, demented world? Let me tell you, as a real pervert, that really spoke to me when they brought the snake in. You were like, no guy on guy because that would be gay. But they've got snake on woman. One hundo.

Nothing wrong with a bit of snake on woman. Snake on woman. This, yeah, the kind of sexual rules or the rules of erotica and what is considered erotic in these films is so odd. This film was particularly interesting as a case study because they introduced an author character who was an erotica writer, a modern-day Jilly Cooper. Do you guys remember who Jilly Cooper is?

No. I don't think I do. I feel like she was always on bookshelves in my childhood and family friends house she's some British woman but it's like sort of you know British classy smut

not as obviously but there's an author and he writes erotica and you'd think he'd probably take some creative liberties and make up some of the stories in his books. But one of the first quotes of the movie is he says, you know I base all of my stories on real situations.

That way I can remain totally objective. And he's renowned about the town for being a very kinky, sort of a funky kinky author. Oh, no. Their words, not his. That's in the movie. Funky, funky, kinky. His assistant describes him as funky. Funky funky kinky author Oh no Their words, not his That's in the movie Funky kinky His assistant describes him as

Funky kinky Funky kinky Yeah Baby What do you think is funky kinky, Tim? I think it's when you go to a jazz club Walk into a 5-4 rhythm And you've just got to take your pants off to that

Wow What do you think funky kinky has been? Yeah, I mean, when I jump in on a jazz line, but the only instrument I've got is my cock. Yeah. You know,

can I jump in here? But it's just free for me. Yeah, that's nice. That's Funky Kinky. What does Funky Kinky mean to you, Guy Montgomery? Funky Kinky is when you go down to the rock shop

and look for their biggest tuba and you just put your tiny little cold flaccid penis in the end of the tuba and you take it up to the front desk and you just put your tiny little cold flaccid penis in the end of the tuber and you take it up to the front the front desk and you say there's something wrong with this tuber but there's nothing wrong with the tuber it's just got your tiny little penis in it so i guess funky kinky's different things to different people but in the world of the movie it sort of suggests that he writes like really sexy and racy uh sex scenes all very good

of that all true by the way all real because it has to be real so he can remain objective it's got to be real yeah love that that he says i've got to be objective but he's clearly inserting his own fantasies on this the whole time because i don't know if we're recapping the plot. We can recap the plot in like 30 seconds. I would love for you to do that right now. Okay, so author character, he's friends with Emmanuel who tells him all her sexapades, and that's where he gets his stories from some of the time. And he's also got an assistant who's going on her own sexapades

and he's getting some stories from her. He's got feelings for her. He gets weird and possessive and punches the guy she's seeing. She sort of pursues her life as an escort. Did you cover that? Yeah, I guess that's part of it. She's slightly underpaid in her role as a personal assistant to the author man.

And so she goes looking for some additional work and finds it in the form of a non-sex, no contact escort for a wealthy man called Nicholas, who is from parts unknown, but has inherited a pretty dope accent and some pretty killer facial hair. Yeah. Here's a guy who was very excited at the opportunity to play rich, an actor who is sort of making a lot of bold decisions and executing one in every two of those decisions. He's gone, he's gone.

He's like, I need an accent. So it's sort of, he's clearly American, but he's kind of talking like this. He's a chap. I'm such a cat. Oh, I'm such a lovely boy. I feel like he thought he needed to have an accent, but it didn't have to be one accent.

He just had to perform every line in an accent. Just go for it. Just be rich. And, yeah, so he seems like he might actually be okay. He might be a nice guy, but it turns out he's a bit of a prick. Yes. Because he goes on these non-sexual dates with the writer's assistant. It's stipulated very clearly in the advertorial in the newspaper

that there's no sex. And they go out for a meal. And it's... That's fine. That's fine. She gets paid a lot of money. And then next time they meet up, they go to a sex party. Just watching.

No touching. No touching. And that's slightly more challenging and questionable, but fine. Ish. And then she goes around. He thinks it crosses the line, actually. Then she goes around to his house and they look at some people having sex through a telescope. And that is too much to bear.

They, too, then have to have sex. And as soon as they have sex, he just sends her a letter with a lot of cash saying, See ya. See ya. And this bothers our writer no end yeah because apparently she's fallen in love with with nicholas yes john but like she didn't they've had one scene together i'm pretty sure they fucked and then it was fine and then she happened to get a whole bunch of money as a result of that she did did get upset, though, so, you know. I guess.

It's just hard to see what went wrong. Yeah. He was an arsehole, but it feels like this is perfect. She got to have sex with him, she got a bunch of money, and then the relationship ended, so she didn't have to be in it anymore. Didn't end on her terms, though, you know. I guess that's true, but you can't have it all. Well, no.

No, but, you know, Nicholas is the bad guy here. There's no good guy here. Yeah, who's the good guy? Point to the good guy in this story. What was the woman's name? Jennifer. Were you fucking watching, bro? They said it so many times. Jennifer's innocent.

She's very innocent. They kept saying, she's so innocent, and that's what makes her so delicious. Must have her. It's true. The men were lusting after her innocence. And Nicholas frequently trips over himself and says out loud when he's seducing her

that it's his intention to have sex with her eventually, but it's like... I'm going to break you down, my dear. Step by step. Step by step. Step by step. Oh, my. That was an inside thought, but I said it in the outside voice.

Whoopsie. Whoopsie-daisy. Ignore me. I'm such a cat. I'm such a funky, kinky man. I say anything that comes into my head. Here's one. A frog with three legs.

Very sexual. Oh, that's right. Nicholas, the very wealthy and kinky man, made his fortune by bottling and selling and drinking his own piss. Now, hold on. Hang on. Actually, we know that he works in the energy sector because of an introduction at a dinner party.

Did they say sector? They might have said industry or sector. Because when we first meet him he goes I work in business. Let's just say I work in business. And there's so much mystery to Shrouded

that he just works in the energy business. You're an oil man, bruh. Be proud of what you do. Human traffic mean anything to you? He's an oil man. He's an oil baron. He's baron and he loves oil and he made all his money doing that

and then he started bottling and selling human urine which appears so many times in this film. It's all these people, different people in different places, drinking out of different glasses, but all the same liquid. The unmistakable yellow of piss. Human piss. There were a lot of side scenes where he would be explaining

to his business associates. He said, it just makes financial sense. The margins don't lie. There were heaps of scenes with him saying the margins don't lie. One man's waste is another man's bottleable, sellable, marketable wine. Yeah. It's unmistakably piss. I drink my own piss and then I piss it out.

There's no overheads on this. It's pure profit, my dear. You've got to buy what? One, two bottles? What happens if you drink your own piss? You can do it i think you're one round i think it's all good as long as it's fresh you can do it for one round apparently but if you do it for like more than one round you get into trouble what kind of trouble uh well i assume the

toxins build up so much because if you think about it your piss is the stuff that your body's trying to get rid of right yeah so like if you just bioaccumulate all the stuff it's trying to expel, that's probably... You're probably getting a... Every time you do a round, it's like a more concentrated poison bullet. Or you become stronger. Well, maybe. If you turn the stuff that you expel into fuel...

Do you remember that Nathan For You episode where he's talking to that shopkeep who drinks his granddaughter's piss? it's like he believes that'll make him like strong or youthful or something so no it's really scared right yeah yeah what a beautiful um you know skirting of the line between setting up a comedy premise but then tripping over comedy in real life and just pursuing that yeah you couldn't script that guy no it's insane um i'll tell you what though this movie emmanuel and the sexual spouse it really did function as a porno a lot better than some of the other flicks we've seen in this uh part of the franchise yeah you could masturbate to this movie for sure it's not untrue because i remember the last movie we

watched with uh live mckenzie you said i don't know where you're supposed to masturbate to this. That's what you said. Too many cutaways to horses. The sex scenes were extended. Yes. You could definitely, especially, you know, towards the start, there were some really long ones, the one with the guy and the girl, and she's sort of out the door, the car door.

They're in a car. And they're in a car. She's out the car door, and then he's got his head through the sunroof. Yeah. It's such a brilliant way to show both the actors in this scene. It's also a very interesting way to have sex because for the guy, he's just looking at nature. You're not even talking to the person at that point.

It's like if you've ever gone tramping or something, or maybe skiing or something, and you have those toilets that just look, they've got a view that's just majestic, and you're not looking at where you're pissing. You're just looking. You're pissing into a toilet, but you're looking out at this majestic view.

Say that before sex. He's sort of got a whole man glory hole situation where he puts his head through, and that could be anyone down there. It's bloody genius. There's never been a better use of a skylight in a car. Wait, what are they called? Skylights.

Yeah, you got it. Is that what they're called in cars? Yeah. Skylight, sky bright. I don't know anything anymore. It's thrown everything out. They're called skylights. Sunroof?

Sunroof, yeah, yeah, yeah. Skylights are in houses. It's a sunroof. What is a car but a little mobile house? Exactly. Yep. You got me there. Damn right.

Yeah. I don't think I could jerk off to this film, though. You don't think you could? No, it's weird. You can jerk off to anything. Could you jerk off to completion to this film? I've got nipples, Ben. Could you jerk off to me?

I mean, they're quite small from memory. You've got a fucking problem with small nipples, Ben. Could you jerk off to me? I mean, they're quite small from memory. You got a fucking problem with small nipples? Not at all. Yeah. Put me on the spot here. I just found the film kind of gross, I guess. What was it that made it gross? You were talking...

What is a soft core point I've got to do to gross out a non-pervert? So like in the previous films you were saying There was a charmingness to the sex And there was not really any charm There was just kind of like the childish dialogue And then they'd just be fucking Do you know what it's like it's like you when you go to a costume shop and uh most of the costumes are for kids and then

there's the adult costumes that are just the nastiest so it's like right there's that weird dichotomy you know and i just found it all very uncomfortable this movie to you is the adult section of costumes yeah but particularly like the the having the kid costumes be neighbors with the like here's you know superman for eight-year-olds and here's superman with this big kryptonite cock you know like i think i understand what you're saying yeah i do yeah it's an interesting like emotional metaphor for it but i think i dig what you're saying yeah it's kind of like um okay tell me if this is sort of close to what you're saying go everyone in this movie and this actually quite it happens quite often in the emmanuel movies is so moronic yeah you're like

oh i feel weird about seeing you guys having sex because it's almost like there's questions about your own agency and ability to make adult decisions about, um, a, you know, well, I mean, fucking in public, I guess everyone can fuck. Everyone should, uh,

you know, be able to have a good time having sex, but it's kind of like there's sort of these situations. They get themselves into it and you're like, it feels like you might be being manipulated because you're such a moron. And because the power dynamic is so unbalanced because of your idiocy,'s hard to whack off to it's weird because like you watch that moron with his head through the sunroof and i'm like did you put that handbrake on bud because you're gonna go correct you couldn't mess because you're stressed out stressed out everyone's really dumb there's

physics implications as well and drinking piss and shit yeah man when. And drinking piss and shit. Yeah, man. When you're drinking piss, you're like, I need to see smarter people having sex so I can trust that they're all good. How do you feel about programs like Love Island and Too Hot to Handle? I don't watch them, Guy. Yeah. I'm too sophisticated for all that kind of...

What are you watching while they're broadcasting Love Island? I don't know. The 33rd... Videos on YouTube. The 33rd Emmanuel film. Yeah, probably. Do you watch those shows? I actually think I feel... No, I don't feel the same way because they're all on the same level of idiocy.

They're all like chowk-clasing, clout-chasing, gym-ed up, sweaty. Chowk-clasing. Chowk-clasing is good. I'm chowk-clasing. Sounds like a dish. He is a dish. Jimmed up, sweaty. I like Chalk Clays. Chalk Clays sounds good. I know I'm Chalk Clays-ish. Sounds like a dish. He is a dish.

So you're okay with that? I mean, I don't watch- You're all on the same level. I don't watch those programs, but it's pretty much what you're describing, just that they've put themselves forward. Yeah, they've signed up for that. I don't know. Porn seems exploitative,

which is a discussion that is probably unwise to open inside of an entire season of us watching porn. Sorry to introduce that energy. You didn't do this, Ben. You know who did? Alan Strivinsky. Is that his name? Alain Strivinsky.

Strivinsky. He's the EP of all of these films. He's got his fingers in all of these Emmanuel pies. He's got a credit on the first one even, right? He produced the very first one. He's got a name as old as time itself. 70s? Damn.

He is the Albert Broccoli of this franchise. What does that mean? Albert Broccoli was the guy who started the Bond movies. But then he died. But then his daughter took them over. Barbara Broccoli. Barbara Broccoli. Yeah, believe it or not.

Amazing. Yeah. So he's like the one consistent thread through all of these movies. Okay, so he's to blame. He's to acknowledge and thank. And appreciate. And appreciate. Thank you for these gifts.

If you meet Elaine Suritsky, you do not look him in the eye. But you do appreciate thank you for these gifts if you meet elaine suritsky you do not look him in the eye but you do say thank you i wonder if he's alive can you google him with pleasure oh or i can google him i just wanted to bring up how um the soundtrack was actually it was hits and misses today some of them i love the last one we watched the one with live um was uh awful i didn't like that soundtrack. Same musician. Raw. Raw.

Raw. It's done. Well, I think they shoot these in blocks of seven. Hmm. Like the, the, the Emmanuel and spaces. I think they shot all at once.

They did seven films. Um, I think this one with, with the current woman, they just, there's seven of them. Oh yeah. It's they called,

um, fuck. Elaine Suritsky was a French-American film producer and film distributor in softcore pornography, foremost known as the owner of the Emmanuel franchise from the 80s to 2010s. Oh, he didn't do all of them. Born 1942.

And died? 2014. All right, Ben. I reckon you kind of know what he looks like. Yeah. Yeah. I don't need to see a picture of him. You sure? He's a money hitter looks like. Yeah. I don't need to see a picture of him. You sure? Absolutely.

I don't need to see that at all. Yeah. You've got the guy. I've got the guy. Well, he probably died doing what he loved, producing softcore pornography for the masses. Cutting corners. You enjoyed the soundtrack that way, Ben.

Oh, the soundtrack rips. Raw really fucking nailed that Raw was all over this I mean that guitar came in In the second to last track Just Fucking rips dude I might sit on Spotify

Shit I wonder if it is How do you search Raw though You know like it's such It's a name that's so hard to Yeah To search The SEO on that's not so hot Yeah exactly It's difficult It's a name that's so hard to search The SEO on that's not so hot

Yeah, exactly It's difficult It's very difficult What did you make of the picture, Guy? You've seen a few manuals in your time Yeah, I have actually More than I care to You've been around the block

Before I answer that I just want to say Did you see any Sky One pornography? Or was that before your time? No, I don't think so First blush with pornography for a lot of men of our vintage, that's me and Tim,

because you're a little younger than us. I think a bit. We grew up in the sticks. They didn't have Sky One there. Yeah, we didn't have Sky. What was your first blush with porn? Oh, it was today. Yeah.

But if it wasn't, hypothetically. Hypothetically, let's say I found a pornography magazine that my friend's dad owned and then secreted it into my pants and ran away. An icon of Westport. I thought the movie was kind of fun. Yeah.

It was more of a fun watch. Like, it was nice having this author character in there. He was a bit of a fucking meathead. But, like, I felt like it kept coming back to him and he kind of kept things moving along in a reasonable clip. More nudity than I'm used to, which I'm still finding a bit confronting, even though we are watching a lot of porn.

Definitely sags and drags. Emmanuel just lies in bed and has fantasies. It's sags and drags. Yeah, it's cocks and socks. It's got it all. There are some woodland nymphs in this one. One of them, Emmanuelle's got multiple

nymphs, but one of them is a red-headed nymph who emerges from the forest, which is like a fancy version of the woods. And she watches over Emmanuelle, but then it turns out she also watches over the writer's assistant, Jennifer. And Jennifer can't see her, though though but she sort of has the same qualities as a hormone monster in the big mouth franchise where it's like she's responsible for the sex and

sexuality of multiple characters in the same universe do you reckon they stole it from do you reckon nick kroll stole it from emmanuel he's i mean he probably watched some of the emmanuel franchise that kind of era works doesn't it yeah how old he is and mean he probably watched some of the emmanuel franchise that kind of era works doesn't it yeah how old he is and when these were made it's not totally impossible he is a known thief and plagiarizer is he yep what did he plagiarize a lot of my work yeah you had an idea for a cartoon about yeah it was called the nick kroll show this concept i came up with um where i would do a series of skits and impressions and sort of just funny ideas.

And you'd host it as an American sketch actor called Nick Kroll. Yes, exactly. And so I was in development for this for two years and just about to get it across the line with an unnamed network for reasons I can't get into right now. Let's say if you're looking for a centre of comedy, you're getting close. Well, perhaps, perhaps.

But unfortunately, that dastardly plagiariser Nick Kroll, I don't know how he got my idea and my scripts and my format and the idea to call it The Nick Kroll Show, but he fucking did it. Sly devil. And then, yeah, obviously there was the TV show you were writing set in a US high school based on his childhood, about going to middle school and whatnot and going through puberty.

Yeah, I called it Little Dick, though. He did change the title, but he took everything else. Well, yeah, you called it Big Mouth, colon, Little Dick. No, I called it Little Dick. He changed it to Big Mouth to try and convince people he hadn't stole it. But if you get past the title, it's the exact same show that I wrote. I wrote a screenplay called Pig Mouth, which was about a man who had a pig for a mouth.

A whole pig? A whole pig. Not just a pig's mouth, but a whole pig for a mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he had to feed this pig. And he was sort of human-ipeded into his sort of digestive system. And I sat next to Nick Kroll on a plane for about three hours detailing all of the ins and outs.

And he's like, I like the title. And I was like, I bet you do. Shit. So he's shat on both of us. Yeah. That's outrageous. Nick Kroll once gave me $500,000. Yeah?

Why'd he do that? He just dropped it. And I picked it up and said, I think you dropped this. And he said, it's yours now. Was it in, like, how do you mean he dropped it? There's so much money. Yeah, he's got big hands. Was it a check or was it in cash or what?

It was cash. It was in ones. It was in ones. This story sounds incredible in the very literal sense that it does not sound credible. Yeah. I believe you wholeheartedly. Yeah, as well you might. It must have weighed a ton.

Well, yeah. A metric ton. At least. Half a million dollars in ones. I'm going to look this up. How much does a one dollar note weigh? Let's find out. Like I said, he's got big hands.

Huge hands on Nick. Not quite big enough. How much does an American $1 bill weigh? There's no room on the armrest. According to Quora, each $1 US dollar note weighs approximately 1 gram as well as... Thank you. I love that metric answer. 500,000 grams.

So what do we do? We take two zeros off or three zeros off? Three zeros off, I zeros off three zeros off i think to get to kgs 500 half a ton yeah half a metric ton you just picked he just dropped yeah in ones yeah and you just picked up yeah and you said hey nick kroll i think you dropped this half ton of one i think i surprised myself and he said yeah it's yours now. You're full of shit, man. I'm not. He had a script poking out the back of his pocket,

and he'd crossed out the name Tim Batt. And you could see in his handwriting, his distinct handwriting, it said Nick Kroll. Fuck. Yeah. It checks out from what we know of Nick Kroll. That's why I should have joined the Screen Actors Guild. I'd be protected against things like this.

He said to me when he was leaving, he said, I've got a plane to catch. I'm flying next to a guy called Ben McGugan. That's what he said. Hey now, Ben, I think you've listened to a couple episodes of Worst Idea of this season. I have.

You might be familiar. We have some rather unruly... Boner Inspector! Boner Inspector? I've got to give you a bit of a podcast 101 on how this equipment works, okay? You've got quite a naturally loud, well-projected voice. And so when you first enter and you sort of announce yourself at a high volume, I simply must insist that you don't do that

directly into the microphone. That scared the shit out of the microphone it doesn't sound good it's not good for the equipment and to be frank with you it makes me fucking furious because you've been on the show a lot and i kind of thought you would have figured this out by now boner inspector it's nice to see you how are you can i get you a cup of tea yes please i'm pretty good what do you want herbal or do you want um just gumboot you got anything that makes you horny actually i do really licorice leaf oh delicious oh sorry sorry you said horny right no this will make you shit oh it's the wrong one

you can you can there's a venn diagram there. There is a little. I was horny and shit. Do you want it? Yes, please. I'll get the licorice. Well, yes, Ben. I roam from town to town, house to house, pretty much anywhere someone's watching porn. I'm checking in on him. And I understand

that you might have just watched Emmanuel's sexcapades, sexual spells, full of tits and ass. And, well... Oh, he's got the tea on. Yeah. Gee whiz, that's a loud kettle.

It's very efficient. It's electric. And you might have even seen the occasional fanny, or sock as we call it, and balls. Yeah. There was balls. Can't wait to hear that water being poured into a mug. And I wouldn't mind if you could stir in some honey.

All in your own time. You guys can keep talking. Were you in the middle of a chat or something? I'm just making tea. There was balls. Why are you not pouring the water into the cup? I'm making the tea as fast as I can, my man. Very well.

Yeah, balls. I'll go get some milk. Did you get a boner? No, I can't say. I think I might think about this film if I don't want a boner. Wow. Like if I'm at a funeral aggressively unerotic yeah for all the time i get boners at funerals you know which is every time i mean

funerals can't be sexy i gotta follow you around what are you some sort of pervert or something yeah hi nice to meet you i'm a my name is ben mcgougan i'm a huge corny pervert god damn i like this guy yeah so i'm chubbed up most of the time. I'm half-masked, ready to go. Just walking around. Just walking around. Like I say, at a funeral. Wow.

How did they go at funerals? I imagine... Funerals can be sexy. Yeah. That's my thing. People deal with grief differently. Hi, Worst Idea of All Time listeners. I'm Ben McGugan.

Here's my thing. Funerals can be sexy. No, but actually, sorry All Time listeners. I'm Ben McGugan. Here's my thing. Funerals can't be sexy. No, but actually, sorry to interrupt. Lost a loved one? Feeling bereft of hope? Try finding funerals sexy. What's stopping you from having a sexy funeral? Decorum?

Nah, come on. Sense of decency? Anyway, Boner Inspector, I don't want to keep you from your work. No, no, not at all. What about you, Tim? Oh, Boner. Neria Boner. Man, I feel like if I was watching this one alone, I probably could have.

Jesus, are you all right? Yeah, sorry, I'm experimenting with the microphone at your request. Good on you. I probably could have achieved an erection, but in the company that I was keeping No, it didn't happen for me I'm sorry to hear that, Tim I thought you'd get a boner around us

Maybe one day, we'll see Here's hoping God, where's my voice from today? Got a real Peter Sellers syndrome going on Just got off a transatlantic flight And what about you, Guy? No This tea is fantastic Hey hey i think you should

leave i really i think um like it's been lovely to see you it's so weird that you brought a brass band in with you this time by an inspector yeah i'm gonna take this tuber back to the shop yeah cool man I'd recommend you take your dick out of it first, though. That T is gone. Bye, Boner Inspector. See you. Bye. Later.

Catch you in the next one. Straight through me. Hasta luego. What a fucking night. Shit. This shows it's real low points in its seven and a half year history. But this feels like plumbing the fucking deck. The Femagookin turns come.

It's all about shit and piss and pussy now. We are at the bottom of the piss filled barrel right now. Scraping. Yeah. Just scraping. Fuck yeah baby fucking boner i don't want to see that boner inspector for a couple episodes me and boner inspector gonna hang out later he's my kind of guy i'm still on the fucking stool for getting my facts wrong on pokemon yellow that dude i feel like he should get about a one at least episode ban. Wow.

Wow. Somebody I call. He kind of just shows up. Nah, man. We're the hosts. We get to decide. What is his? I'm putting my foot down.

Boner Inspector's not welcome back. He's got a one episode freeze out on this show. Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we'll see if he listens. Good luck with that. Guy's got a mind of his own, huh? He's not our only guest.

No, we've got another guest who frequently comes around, Ben McGugan, who you might have heard on some previous episodes. His name's George Lazenby, and he's the world's greatest listener. Yes. Talk. Oh, g'day, George. Didn't see you step in. I thought you were quiet coming in today.

Has Foner and Spectre left? Is he? He's gone. He's well gone. Getting pretty crowded in here. Yeah. I saw a man shooting himself on the berm outside your house. That'd be the licorice tea,

and I don't recommend you have any. Though it's such a shame. He had a clipboard and a tuba. Well, that's the guy I was talking about. It was a hell of a scene. When you were last here who you need to meet. Oh. Yeah.

He's the guy with the insatiable boner. I mean, you've got the insatiable boner. He loves boners. You'd love to see what I'm packing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Ben, I am famously a fantastic listener. So is there anything you'd like to say? Gosh.

Could be anything at all. It's nice to meet you george likewise laser beam you know i was a james bond once really yeah wow everyone's second favorite bond favorite bond favorite bond yeah after no one that's right that's what it means to be number one one not sure I made one perfect movie and they said, we can't top that. Just the one? Yeah. Ah. Which one? The best one.

The good one? Yeah. Yeah, right. Everyone really loved that one and they just stopped making Bond films. Yeah. Paul Hogan got so jealous

of Crocodile Dundee, bitch. Do you want to get anything off your chest, Ben, while George is here? And if you don't, that's fine. If you feel resolved in yourself, then that's all good. I mean, I like Sean Connery. Oh. I don't know if you've heard of him. He's a friend of mine.

Sorry, is someone talking about me? Sean Connery? George, old boy. Lovely to see you. Recently deceased and generally considered the world's greatest Bond, Sean Connery is here. I've never seen that man before in my life. Sean, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm Tim. Lovely to be here. Huge fan. Can I ask you a question? What's the afterlife like? Pretty tops. Everyone's nude. Wow, that's incredible.

I've had sex 14 times this morning. Different time code, you see. Different time code? Makes sense. I understand perfectly. That was the first question I had was a time code question. So, George, Sean Connery was an actor, Scottish in origin, who played Bond before you.

Huh. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. No, no, I loved your work. Hmm? The one. Oh, you saw my Bond, did you?

Yeah, I saw it. It was lovely. I've heard it's the best one. Sure. Sean, we're discussing a pornographic film today called Emmanuel, The Sexual Spells. Yes. Have you seen it, perchance? Not exactly.

I do have a sort of cosmic awareness now that I've passed on, so I do kind of know. Does a cosmic awareness mean that you know about everything? Yes. Sort of a metaphysical oneness, a bit of a, what is that called? Omnipotence of sorts. So you sort of have access to all information ever accumulated on the periphery and you can choose to zoom in and use that or not. 100%.

And I will say that I've used this extensively on the Emmanuel franchise. Wow. You know Emmanuel? In and out. What's your favourite Emmanuel film? Sexual Spouse. Sexual Spouse. Oh, amazing.

I was going to say, you didn't know a lot about this one. Hey, George, are you still here? I guess you're the worst. Yes, I am. I'm just listening. Yeah, that's classic you. Absolutely classic you. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Sorry. No, so, well, Sean, I don't know if you want to jump in on this one, actually. Usually we ask our guests, so we traditionally go to Ben McGugan, who's a New Zealand comedian who's joined us today. Oh, nice to meet you, Sean. Big fan. But I don't know if Ben's okay with it. Maybe you want to sort of take the hot seat here.

What we like to do, George Lazenby's a bit of a connoisseur. Yes, I've got a huge sum of money from starring in a James Bond film once. And he likes to hear porn premises and see if he wants a sort of green light of production. So, Sean, would you like to maybe wrap an idea around our minds and see if it's able to come to me? Yes, Sean, why don't you wrap an idea around my cock? Right.

See if you can make it go down. Right. Lost the axiom. Hang on. Tim, can I step out of the fantasy? I'll step back into the fantasy. Hi, Ben McGougal. Hi, I feel bad that you don't have a guy.

I've come in on this one episode. I've introduced a guy. Do you want to bring someone in on this? I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, sorry. All right, so there's a man, you see, and he's sort of statuesque, Scottish, attractive, young, powerful, potent. Oh, I like the sound of this.

Hello, is this? G'day, lads. It's me, Jason Statham, the future Bond. Hi, Jason Statham. It's so good to have you here. Undeniably the future of the Bond franchise. I wouldn't mind you being a Bond. This fucking pussy, Daniel Craig,

has taken the thing to a cratering new low, and it's time to toughen it back up again. Yes. Bring it back to the days of muscle men like me and Sean. Yes. And me. Sure. George Lazenby.

My understanding is you're nothing but an Aussie pretty boy. A bloody washed up model, ain't you? It might look like I'm listening, but I'm also crying. I don't even know if you know karate. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Sean Connery. Lovely to meet you.

Lovely to meet you. I'm a big fan. And yes, every other Bond is a pussy. Anyway, so Sean Connery, sorry, the man in the porno, goes around slinging dick, Getting fucked off his face. That's hot. Yeah. And his best friend Jason Statham's hair.

Yeah, love it. And yeah, just slinging lots of pussy. Well, I might be famous for listening, but I don't need to hear anymore. You're going to sign off on this? Oh, that's a real shame. George Lazenby does not look into this at all he's leaving he's gone uh george lazenby left oh no sean connery's left as well no whatever i left so far i'm gonna get out of here as well lads jason statham got to choose when he left

i feel like everyone was just getting to know each other. Yeah. It is a tiny room for six people. It's so hot in here now. Wow. Fuck me. It was getting really hot in here for a while. It's crazy. It's not every day that you get three muscle-bound men from different eras. Wow. You know, jostling for position on the mics.

Talking turkey tits and teeth. Mm-hmm. Okay. I make teeth. Yeah. That's a T word Okay Hey Ben

Can I ask you a question? Go This movie we just watched 90 minutes in length Did you have a part That you particularly enjoyed What might be known As a shining light of the movie?

I did I liked I liked the The scene where the nymphs massage Emmanuel, who is not a great actor. No. But has this one moment of realness that came through where the nymphs are asking her, you know, what do you want?

And she just sort of lying face down in the massage table just goes, I just want to be happy. And it was really like... That struck something in you, eh? I was like, fuck yeah, shit yeah. It was like a cry for help from the actor. Why is that? What do you want out of life?

Me, Ben McGugan? Yeah. I mean, as I say, I just want to be happy. I'm a horny pervert, so I want maybe, you know, six or seven cat girls. I want to live like Hugh Hefner, but like morally okay Hugh Hefner. Yeah, six or seven cat girls. I want to live like Hugh Hefner, but morally okay Hugh Hefner. The best kind. Yeah, six or seven girlfriends at once, just sucking and fucking.

Nice one, brother. And in many ways, you share that in common with? Emmanuelle. Yeah. And I was Emmanuelle in that moment when she said, I just want to just want you are a deeply empathetic pervert thank you did you have a shining light for this film god montgomery look it's got to be the guy fucking out the sunroof fair enough it was an incredible shot too because

like the forest is in the background yeah pulled over to the side of the road by the woods it's either is i mean there's actually a few it that, it's the woman and the snake. It's the, there was a shot which we didn't see enough of it, but it was sort of interesting to me. I quite liked it where they sort of were pulling focus and you got to see like quite a detailed close-up of the short leg hairs that men have on their like mid-thigh. Oh, wow.

You're fascinated biologically. Well, I was just like, I've got those hairs. That's what I thought. I thought I got those hairs. You know, it's nice to see them. In the same way that Ben McGugan identifies with the movie because he's a non-pervert. I identify with those weird short leg hairs in the middle of your thigh.

I get that. I get it. What about you? Fuck face. Sorry. There's a couple that could make the top. One was, there's, inextricably, it never gets explained. Inexplicably.

Inexplicably. I don't know why this happens. It's one of those things that they put it in. It's like the horse last time. inexplicably i don't know why this happens and it's one of those things that they put it it's like the horse last time they put it in and you expect for some uh point in the future there to be a resolution on why it's shown but there isn't there's a super soaker that gets um used as a metaphor of a dick for like some fellatio shots you've heard of a super spreader before maybe you heard of a super soaker?

Yeah, I have. It's a water pistol, which is what's in the movie and what I just described. Sorry, yeah. So there's actually a really cool... Because if you're describing it, obviously you must know what it is.

Yeah, exactly. There's a really cool close-up... Leave a term right away. You actually brought the idea to the conversation. The woman's face, and it's shot like... You can't see her eyes, it's sort of her nose I feel like Guy had tuned out for this bit

But Ben, you saw it Yeah, no, it rocked And she had bright lipstick on You turn around and see the woman suck off the water pistol Perfectly laid out, red lipstick And then she's got her mouth wrapped around this water pistol And it looked like a It reminded me of an album cover for the White Stripes, I think.

Is there one where there's a naked woman's butt and a guy with a white glove who's about to slap her? Is that a White Stripes album cover? The Strokes. Maybe it's the Strokes. The first Strokes album cover, I think. Or Soma. Do they have an album called Soma?

Do they have a song called Soma? I know the album cover you're thinking of. Anyway, it's sort of... I don't know. Or Soma? Do they have an album called Soma? Do they have a song called Soma? I know the album cover you're thinking of. Anyway, it sort of, I don't know, it was just a cool shot. And I thought it would make a cool album cover. And second place, maybe first place actually, I'm going to put the Super Soaker album cover shot as second place. First place, Shining Light.

Nicholas getting socked in the mouth and laid out cold by a terrible left-handed hook from our author. The worst arm punch you've ever seen in your life. But undeterred, undeterred from his self-serving monologue and smugness and just kept laughing at the dude even though he got laid out cold on the ground. I thought that was fucking cool.

He was having a great time. He was. You can't stop a man who's okay with getting punched in the face and still considers himself to be the coolest dude in the room. It's a tough thing to come up against. It rocks. It's like that thing of, you know, what's that? Is that the album cover?

Yeah, that's the one I was thinking of. What is it? Oh, it's The Strokes. Yeah, cool. Say that loud, mate. We're on a podcast. I just thought I'd show you privately. I appreciate it. I didn't know what I was thinking of. What is it? Oh, it's the strokes. Yeah, cool. Say that loud, mate. We're on a podcast. I just thought I'd show you privately. I appreciate it.

I didn't know what I was looking at. I didn't want anyone else to know about that moment. It was a secret. That was meant to be an intimate moment between friends. Well, now it's shared for everybody. Now you all know I looked up the photo on my phone. So anyway, that's my shining light. How fucking cool would it be to get punched and and just be able to i don't know just take it and then just keep shit talking and being like i'm the man

i'm unstoppable it is i mean concept that you teach kids if you can only uh you know someone can only affect your self-esteem if you let them. It's kind of that taken to psychopathic new levels. Yeah. Someone can only affect your body and your face if you let them. Yeah. Sure, you'll be laid out on the ground, but, like, you could do it with a smile. I feel like one of the scariest moments you could face would be

if you're, like, in a situation where you're about to fight and you punch someone and you knock them down and they just keep smiling at you. You're like, okay okay i'm in trouble yes exactly yeah yeah if you put everything into that punch which it looks like the author did despite the fact there was a terrible punch he's a writer not a fighter he's a writer not a fighter he looked pretty jacked i really could do a better punch than that yeah i reckon it was a safety issue to not punch the guy.

I think they were trying to do it so it was nice and obvious for the camera. Hit a big sweep on it. Yeah, they used their stage fighting budget on sex. Sex fighting? Sex fighting. No, what's it called? Stage sex. Blocking?

Yeah, sex blocking. Sex blocking. Cock blocking. There's cock blocking. Yeah. Balls a kimbo. It is cock blocking. Yeah. Balls of Kimbo. Cocks are blocked.

I think I'm going to wrap this episode up right about here. Yeah, it's been a great episode of Turkey Tits and Teeth. It's my favorite podcast. A real pleasure having Ben McGogan on. It's been a long time coming. Oh, he's brought it down in the home stretch. And I've just come in my pants and done a big shit. Thereby solidifying your position as the most perverted guest to ever have graced the podcast.

Ben, you post videos on the internet, eh? Yes. I've seen you do it. Yeah. They're funny videos. What if someone wanted to find one? They are at Ben Magugan

M-A-C-G-O-U-G-A-N Pretty much everywhere We cannot get rid of these things Can I be real? Can I be real with you for a second? Permission granted Ben Magugan is one of Guy and I's favourite Comedians

I was going to say magician And I don't know why. It's because I've been very perverted this episode. I've been off big magician energy. Dude, magicians are most of our listeners. The point is Ben rules. Lock him up. Follow him now.

And then when he's got a million followers, you can be like, I got in. Not at the ground floor, but I got in early. And you'll be able to hit him up when your supplements and vitamins don't work properly. You'll be like, got in yeah not at the ground floor but i got in early and you know you'll be able to hit them up when your supplements and vitamins don't work properly you'll be like ben you swore on your podcast this is the fucking thing if you get in now and then you get a few people under you to start buying and selling to the yeah you're gonna make out like a goddamn this is the time to get in hi i'm I'm Ben McGugan. Time to bite us now. Bye.