The Worst Idea Of All Time - 42: Carry On, Guy and Tim

Episode Date: October 16, 2021

Your beloved Frosty Fellaz may be finished watching pornography now, and what a journey it's been. Monty has not had a fun time with this 1978 British send up, Carry On, Emanuelle. In fact, he's named it potentially the worst movie he's ever seen. Timbo didn't fare quite so badly, enjoying the flick for its position as a cultural artifact and has a theory that Guy's comic sensibilities are to blame for his terrible time. Whatever the verdict, your boiz reminisce on this season in relation to Real Life™ and what may remain to truly end this run of the podcast.JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer everybody ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing Hello everybody and welcome to what might be the last episode of this season. My god, don't say it Tim. I didn't carry that energy into the film. And even now I can't have my emotions toyed with in such a cavalier way. But is it true? We've just watched Carry On Emmanuel because we failed to be able to see the only Japan-released sex chocolate in Emmanuel,

which is a Willy Wonka. Yeah. What is in that movie that means we can't see it? I don't know. And also, what are the chances that this Willy Wonka prequel starring Timothee Chalamet also has heavy sexual overtones, undertones? Who cares? We're not here to talk about that version of it.

We're not even here to talk about sex, chocolate, and Emmanuel. We're here to talk about carry on, Emmanuel. We're here to talk about a porno. I don't know when this one was made, actually. When was this made, Guy? Have you got the year for this? No, but I can get it. We're talking about a porno parody.

I'm going to guess like 78, just pulling a number out of the sky. This was the second to last carry-on film ever made. It is, I believe we've previously, I haven't done a lot of research today, but we've previously been told that this film we have just seen may be responsible in large part for the death of a giant, the carry-on franchise of British comedy films. The carry-on franchise was an iconic sort of parody, I guess, I don't know, parody monolith. It's almost like Panto. Everything's very big, a lot of slapstick, very Benny Hill style, if you're familiar with that,

sort of big boobs and butts and everything's very childish, slapstick. And they weren't afraid to send up anything. If you were a historical event, if you were an institution, if you were a popular movie, you know, it was almost like a Simpsons cameo in the 90s, early 2000s. It was a mark of respect that you deserved the carry-on treatment. And so in many ways, this is flattering for the Emmanuel franchise.

And in many ways, Tim, as I started watching this movie, I thought, who was this movie made for? Was it made exactly for us right here, right now? I feel like we are right in the crosshairs of the people who could possibly find enjoyment in this movie. You always say that. You say that for so many movies we have to watch for this podcast, The Worst Idea of All Time.

You say, who was this movie made for? Us? Yes. Well, I believe it to be true. Like a lot of these movies would be resigned to the scrap bin of history and we shine our tiny little worst idea light on them and they get just one last shake of the tail. The thing about it is though though because you're not wrong i do say that a lot and i do i did believe at the start of the movie that maybe

this movie was made for us a porno parody parodying the porno that we've spent a year with that does feel custom built for us it is what made it so disappointing that this is arguably the worst movie I've seen in my entire life. Wow. Didn't even make me angry. Just made me so tired and so bored. I felt like there was nothing to latch on to. That is shocking for me to hear because this feels like a movie. And by the way, if you want to play along at home this thing's on youtube we

just watched a youtube link the movie in its entirety someone's just uploaded no one can be bothered copyright striking it so there it is for all and sundry to enjoy this feels like it would have been a bit of you gun to my head i would have been like i reckon monty would have been into this you well that's obviously in context outside of the podcast you wouldn't assume i'd be into this would you well just i think that you would be able to derive an ironic enjoyment of watching the film but it sounds like at no level did you get any pleasure out of this i was just like so frustrated i you didn't come by the sounds of it? No coming, no laughing. You know, that's a bad day in my books.

Man, that's why I don't like Christopher Nolan. I went to all three of those Dark Knight movies, didn't come or laugh once. Yeah, I found them hysterical, but I'm a bit of a joker myself. I live to laugh, and I like to upend the and the sort of the way in which society conducts itself. Then why weren't you into this carry-on film, a franchise which prides itself on upending the societal institutions? One, Emmanuel is barely an institution worth upending.

And two, they didn't even upend the Emmanuel franchise. They just cast a beautiful British woman as their Emmanuel proxy, and then she went around seducing, I don't know, making eyes at, and then seducing all these people. It's an incredibly interesting film. I enjoyed it just because of- Interesting. Yeah, totally.

I could not disagree with you more. Well, not as a movie, but as a cultural relic in what it says about the British society of the day. I know it's a little bit after, but sort of post-war England. This hotbed of sexual repression and prudish approach to sexuality. There's one guy who's a full-on incel. We'll get to him later, though. Whatevs.

The thing I want to celebrate about this movie, and undeniably it was my shining light, so I'm going to get there early because the movie sure did, is a celebration of the Concorde aircraft. We open on the Concorde. The Concorde uh for those who are possibly a little bit too young to remember is a now retired uh jet which i think was the first um supersonic passenger jet ever uh wikipedia is now telling me it operated between 1976 and was retired in 2003, it had a maximum speed of Mach 2, twice the speed of sound.

And it would fly from Paris to New York, I think, was its main leg. And this was the peak of that real fancy, first-class, premium, luxury-feeling air travel where you would wear a tuxedo to go and take a flight. It is a very cool, very of-its-time premise. The flight time from New York to London, Tim, was two hours, 52 minutes, and 59 seconds.

That was the fastest flight the Concorde recorded between London and New York. And that is undeniably cool. Yeah. What's a normal, so what is it, London to New York? I think eight or nine hours is the normal flight time. Yes, you're dead right. So it's three times faster.

That would be great for New Zealand. Imagine if we had some Concordes. Boy, could we get with them. Did the Concord get retired because it was dangerous? I don't know if it would. I don't think it crashed or anything. I don't think it had any. Did it?

It was just uber expensive. And I remember watching a documentary years ago. They mentioned that the Concord, because of how fast it was going, would kind of fuck up the – it would create so much flux in the air where other planes were traveling that it could create quite a dangerous environment if it kept going and had more flight paths. That's not their problem, though. They're the Concorde.

Eat my dust. I'm Concorde. The round-trip ticket for that New York to London flight would cost, in today's money, $13,000 US. Wow. Which is quite a lot. You're paying, yeah, I guess in that you're paying, I don't know what the ticket between New York and London would be today,

but I guess you're- It's 1.30th that price. Yeah. So that's a very expensive six hours you're buying. But you're also buying an anecdote. Oh, that's what you're paying for, really. You know, I mean, anyone can take an eight and three quarter hour flight. You just do it at night time.

Have a little nap. You wake up, you're in New York City, baby. The Big Apple. I've made it. And it's kind of nice. You sleep through the night. You wake up in the're in New York City, baby. The Big Apple. I've made it. And it's kind of nice. You sleep through the night. You wake up in the most exciting city on earth. Concord kind of confuses you because you've traveled through quite like dramatic time zones.

You get there, jet lag to fuck, but the whole trip was less than three hours. What the hell? That doesn't feel right. No, it's very discerning. But you love the reference to the Concord. And I'd like to say I did too. Like when they were on the plane and they had that great intro song playing and we were like in really familiar Emmanuel territory,

I had shades of Sylvia Christel and George Lazenby sitting thigh to thigh. Yeah. And there were like gags and clearly defined characters. That's when I wrote down down was this movie made for us in this exact moment um and all the way up to like there was a great gag where because the nose of the concord i believe could could go up so the very tip the front of the concord plane was um retractable in some way and in this uh in one of the scenes emmanuel seduces some dweeby incel guy in a in the little toilet and they join the mile high club and mr valentine mr valentine's

uh one of those two theodore valentine yeah and um as he is given an erection we cut to a sort of external shot of this concord stand-in. And there's like a Monty Python-style almost visual gag of the very tip of the plane going up to represent his erection. And I liked that. I liked everything about the movie up until that point. I am just reading now that there was, yeah, a Concorde did crash in 2000 and over 100 people died. So that might have contributed.

But Malaysia Air is still flying. Is that true? Yeah. Okay, good for them. Good for them. I actually felt like after that aircraft disappeared, I was like, why wouldn't you fly them now? They're cheap and surely they're working three times as hard

as any other airline to make sure their planes get from A to B. Yeah. Yeah. Is that flawed? I mean, it works in most areas and cases, I think, but with aviation, the margins are so wafer thin that I think when you're MA, you know, in the wake of a disaster,

you probably legitimately do have less crew and less, like, safety checks because you just can't afford to do it anymore. But I don't know. Don't know for sure. All I know is I love Concorde and I want it to come back. Hell, yeah. Where would you go? It just started the movie on such a great note for me.

I was like, fuck, yeah. Just before we talk about this god-awful movie again, three hours, the plane takes you wherever you want, where are you landing? You're asking me? Right now. Oh, so like where would I want to go? London, baby, from New Zealand.

Because what does it take, like 18 hours or something in the air? Yeah, it's about two 11, 12-hour flights. Yeah, so definitely that. Because I feel like you could do it in, what, five, six hours. Amazing. Go and see my brother Dave. Yeah. Go visit.

I've only been to London once ever, and it was when we did the live show there, and it was for, what, like three days, I think. We had a fucking good time. Yeah, an awesome time. Yeah. An awesome time. Um, and that's,

yeah, that would be my dream. Where would you want to go guy via the Concord? I want to, I want to go and land in New York. I want to go back to New York immediately. And I want it to take three hours. If it takes three hours,

you can like conceivably the footprint is obviously like, you know, it doesn't even bear consideration. This is all hypothetical. But imagine going to New York for a day from Auckland, New Zealand. Rich people would do it. Rich people do do it, I guess. Rich people just do whatever the fuck they want. Why wouldn't you?

People just do whatever the fuck they want. Why can't you know the... And why wouldn't you, you know? What's that jet that the Americans have just sunk their entire national economy into for about a decade? The F-35? Tim Batch, I've got no idea, but I'm interested to hear it. Okay, I'll try and get to the wiki bit about how much it's cost, but I think it's the F-35.

It's just cost like a stupefying amount of money they should refashion those and start putting people in them doing like um chartered flights yeah yeah uh well while you research that i might as well continue to highlight my um problems with this movie and i think it all it all comes back with the same thing now while we've been doing this emmanuel season the whole time i've been thinking i would sooner watch one bad movie over and over than like 40 something sort of uh low grade soft core pornography films i feel like at least i understand what i'm getting out of that and it might not be clear to anyone else and that might sound like an odd formula, but that's how I feel.

This movie sort of proved that wrong because the idea of revisiting this movie was painful to me, and I wanted to drill down into why. And I think where it went wrong for this film and where the Emmanuel movies that we've watched throughout the season have been better is that the way it reads is it's neither comedy nor porn.

You know, like some of those Emmanuel films, especially the Emmanuel Through Time ones and Emmanuel in Space, they're both. by being like a mature rated parody, which was totally devoid of, you know, laugh lines or like plot. It's just like, and it's also such a, it's such a light parody of Emmanuel. Like if you didn't know the source material was Emmanuel, that is purely used as the entry point for the film. Otherwise, like what are you getting out of this being a parody of the Emmanuel franchise?

I definitely think this is comedy. It's not comedy I enjoy. It's not anything I would laugh at, for example. But it is the British sensibility of the 1970s. Or I would actually say the 1950s, really. Because the weird thing about this movie, and I guess it's because it's carry on at the end of the carry-on life cycle but all the cast are like 70 years old which is a very confusing

age bracket to put in for your porn parody well yeah i think i i feel like just from the limited research i've done a lot of the legacy carry-on actors are in this movie. And there's a lot of grief and consternation that this is how, what was like a heralded and triumphant franchise, this is how it ends, not with a bang, but with a fucking withering erection. Can you imagine the moral panic from Margaret Thatcher voters seeing their beloved Carry On franchise go to hell in a handbasket

with one shot of bare female nipple? And it isn't Emmanuelle's. It's the nurse. Yeah. There are a few derrieres on the loose, a few butt shots. There are a few derrieres on the loose, a few butt shots. I mean, so in this movie, Emmanuel, it's like... Before you get onto that, by the way, do you want to take a guess at how much the F-35 has cost over its life

in American dollars? $50 billion? It's more than that. It's eight years behind schedule right now. Nice. Nothing like sinking more than $50 billion into your airplane to be eight years behind schedule. $100 billion?

More. $200 billion? More. $400 billion? It involves a T word. Okay. $1.7 trillion US dollars dollars that's how much it's cost the american taxpayer does that mean we need to murder the american taxpayer

what to get the money off them in keeping with our side hustle on the uh killian air podcast oh don't cross the streams if you want to know what Guy's talking about, you can subscribe to our Patreon. But if not, we need to keep that off the free air. That is very funny to me. America, you had such a big head start. Get it together. Why do you keep fucking this up in front of everyone? Oh, sure.

Anyone can cherry pick a country's 1.7 trillion dollar military blowout for a cool jet yeah it doesn't quite work yet otherwise an unblemished history and track record yes um so i'm just gonna sort of brush over guy i wish you would plot of the movie so emmanuel is on a plane she's uh the wife of a french ambassador we are currently like really heavily taking plot points from the first emmanuel where she's visiting uh an ambassador in thailand a uk ambassador to thailand um but he's a french ambassador he lives in france and neither the actor who plays it no in england in london and neither the actor who plays it, no, in England, in London, and neither the actor who plays Emmanuel or the man whose name is Kenneth Williams,

who's like, he's one of the legacy carry-on actors, neither of them are French. And visibly so. Audibly so. That's okay. But yeah, neither of them are French and neither of them have bothered to hear a French person speak. They are doing accents in the same way that I

or any low-grade improviser might perform a French accent in a scene where you are cast as French. And I think in the fleeting moment of a scene which is only going to exist in real time and a live performance, that is just permissible. But if you are carrying an entire movie built around two characters being French in the UK, that is a pretty big obstacle.

Yeah, it's, it's not perfect. I didn't think it was so terrible. But I'm loathe to criticize anyone for something that I am very bad at.

You do a great French. Can you do your French? No, I can't do any kind of a French. Oh my gosh, you sound like you're not from around these parts. Are you from France? I can't take the offer, Guy. I just can't. It's not going to happen today.

It's not going to happen on this episode. It may happen at some point in the future, but it's not going to happen for you today. I love it. I'm so sorry to report. The ambassador's accent, Kenneth Williams, who was the French ambassador to the UK, his accent, his facial experience,

his entire facial experience, his facial expressions, his entire uh his facial experience his facial expressions his entire no no no his facial experience yeah his facial experience which in turn became my viewing experience yes was antagonistic towards me i do you know what i think this is it's it's it i think it's not quite uncanny valley because it's not close enough but i think this is like getting to war it's it's like i don't think this is a million miles away from stuff you would enjoy but because it's been done badly that makes you all the more angry about it you know what i mean i think you're right and i think i do you know the other thing is and this is unreasonable because i knew just from like talking about this through the season and uh and what i'd seen that this was a

bad movie but i wanted it to be good like the thing is when you go into a movie and the first scene's okay and you think is this made for me you want that movie to be good so badly because like what if it is made for me what if because of the amount of work i've done like the amount of leg work i've done watching porn to get to this point means that i actually do enjoy this like in a transcendent way beyond the fact that was dismissed by the the public and by critics at the time and i wanted that another factor tim that is less to do with the movie and more to do with circumstance is that, like, today is, for people listening in the future or even in the current time, we are in a lockdown.

And it has been, like, some really wild, confusing weather in Auckland. It's been raining a lot. The days can't make up their minds. Today is the first, like, bluebird, crystal clear, wonderful day that we have had in what feels like a long time we get maybe one a week at the moment and my entire emotional state is tethered to the weather currently and i don't like that it's just how it is like i'm not in charge of how i feel yeah the sky is yeah and today the sky is telling me to feel good and i'm sitting in a room and this movie is telling me to hate myself um and i'm so sorry man it sucks honestly it's fine but there's always yeah also i do find it incredibly funny as well you should i it's just all of this stuff working together that

made me just like just i wanted to laugh man i will tell you my shining light because i do feel like i'm railroading this podcast by being so negative and that was there's a scene where a lot of these 70 plus year old characters emmanuel like somehow encourages them there's all the staff who work at the ambassador's um residents residents and they all wind up sitting around the kitchen and the residents and like you know the ambassador doesn't really deal with them he's this asexual sort of impotent guy who's really into bodybuilding and emmanuel's always trying to have sex with him and he's like i don't get in the way of my bodybuilding and so she goes off and she's she's having sex with these other people

and um all the staff are kind, they like to speculate about their boss and his weird proclivities. But eventually there's a scene where she encourages them all. They all sit around the kitchen. They reminisce on their sort of most interesting or unusual sexual experiences. And it's like, as far as comedic setups go, you've got a lot of potential there.

And it's just like, it's just a slow letdown. So in this room, from memory, there's four people who can share their stories of Emmanuel's solicit for the most unusual amorous encounter they have ever had. We've got a very old man of sort of a 90-year vintage, I would say, who can sort of not hear anyone, which is a recurring visual gag for the thing.

And Tim, it gets better every time. This guy can't hear a damn thing. We've got, do you know, on autoplay on YouTube after the Emmanuel carry on thing finished. Did you get the documentary? Yeah, I did. And that guy saying in the first three minutes of it, the thing about carry on, don't be afraid to make the same joke again and again and again.

Because it's on that third one, bang through. I was like, yeah, okay. As a comedian, I admire it. I think Commitment to the Bit is one of the most noble, like, it really shows what a knife edge that

exists on. Because Commitment commitment to the bit when the bit is funny is like and you're riding the wave of it's funny and not funny is commendable but like and then this is what an open mic experience is is commitment to the bit against like an overwhelming body of evidence that it's not a good bit comedy is so hard and complicated from that point of view to like the difference between something being a sensational joke or just fucking nothing just like either annoying or moderately offensive it's very razor thin yeah i mean it it almost comes down to like something as unquantifiable as energy like the energy coming off of the person and where that collides with the energy of the room.

And in this instance, the energy coming off the actor meeting the energy that I was generating in the room made for several bombs of the same joke. So who else is in the room? We've got the very old war vet who can't hear anything. We've got this kind of matriarchal i don't know what her role is in the house i feel like she runs the kitchen yeah that feels like a chauffeur and then we've got like now that no hold on because the chauffeur is a cool guy

well the chauffeur he has my shining light so his his sexual reminisce involved a line which was it raised a smile from me and it was my genuine shining light what was it he's so he's telling they're all telling their stories about weird sexual trysts or whatever and his one is he he picked up a um a woman or a woman picked him up and they went back to her house and um i actually also this is not my shining light but, like the mise-en-scene of her bedroom that they'd set up for the flashback, there's something about the layout of the bedroom. I was like, that feels really specific. That feels really genuine to me, time and place.

This feels like I'm in this woman's bedroom. And I admired that. They love like, I don't know what to say think about like the style of carpeting that they had in there there's something about the carpet on the floor I felt really British really like I was there anyway

he's talking and he's reminiscing and he's got his great he's not Jason Statham but it might be where Jason Statham learned to speak. He's been driving cabs for a long time. Yeah, yeah. He knows these streets. And he's reminiscing about it and he talks about the whole experience

and this woman takes him home and they undress quickly and that's voiceover overlaid with them very slowly and difficultly undressing themselves and one another. And then he says, and then the husband came home and the husband come this drunk husband comes home and he's hiding in this cupboard and the wife puts the husband to bed and then she reunites with him in the cupboard and then he says he's sort of talking about what happened and he says the line that is my shining light as he says the details are too pornographic even for you lot and i just think that is it's a great turn of phrase i just like the sentence and i like yeah his delivery of it i like you know the details old london cab drivers would be probably among the funnest type of characters

to write dialogue for because they've got a quip for everything and they're delivered with these really cool accents. There's a tete-a-tete where he is driving Emmanuel around London and kind of lazily trying to hit on her. Yeah. Like at one point he says, come up the front, love will be less lonely, and she just doesn't respond. He goes, well, it's not compulsory. And I just like, I liked that kind of,

he just kind of keeps loving it out there but not being too worried about it didn't get a laugh in the movie but you doing it got a laugh also you because you married it to the actual kind of person that is and those people if you're in the mood are hilarious and if you're not like grating and i actually feel like and this is probably condescending but i feel bad in my bones about people who are joking all the time when i don't find it funny i'm like oh this is probably condescending but i feel bad in my bones about people who are joking all the time when i don't find it funny i'm like oh this is this is your entire like again man i think it's because it's so close to you but not quite it's like if something was super different from you you wouldn't care it's that whole thing the opposite of love is not hate it's dispassion it's just not caring but something is getting so close

to what you you are and you love and you value but kind of fucking it up a little bit on that last hurdle that that is what makes you incensed i think i think you might be right and this podcast has taken on a whole different timbre you know with like because i am at such an unusual ebb and like it's you know the the prism through which we're having this conversation or the prism through which we're discovering this about myself is so unique and it's such a long build-up to get to it. But I really feel like you're onto something and that terrifies me.

Who else is? Oh, the butler's the only other person in the room telling his story. They all sit around. And so, I mean, it's not even worth recounting the plot of this movie basically the whole time emmanuel wants to have sex with her husband her husband wants to bodybuild he doesn't want to deal with her she goes up and sort of like embarrasses him and and is not deliberately she's just like moderately but he's not as perturbed as all these uptight stuffy british people she goes around seducing and having sex with anyone

And she's sort of indiscriminate and doesn't care And he doesn't care either But who does care is the incel Theodore Valentine The guy who she's Is he in Willy Wonka In the chocolate factory The OG one

I'll do some research for you That's much appreciated I felt like he was a newspaper man Like a journalist The OG one? I'll do some research for you. Oh, that's much appreciated. I felt like he was a newspaper man, like a journalist in... Gene Hackman's Willy Wonka. Gene Hackman's Willy Wonka, which... And I haven't seen that movie in a good long while, but there was just... I got like a pang of it when he came on.

He's in the first... While Guy's looking this up, so Mr. Valentine, Theodore Valentine is in the first, he's on the Concorde flight and has an amorous encounter with Emmanuel. And he's very flustered and doesn't really know how to cope with it and gets quite scared. Because this is that quintessential uptight British man who is 34 years old and still living with mother and has a confusingly Freudian relationship with her.

I don't mean to disappoint, but it is my belief that... Not in it? Not in it, yeah. I said Gene Hackman. I meant Gene Wilder. Gene Hackman is Willy Wonka? Gene Hackman is... Fuck, Timothy, get the fuck out of here. I want to see Gene Hackman as Willy Wonka? Gene Hackman is a... Fuck, Timothy, get the fuck out of here.

I want to see Gene Hackman as Willy Wonka. Sort of grizzled chocolate veteran. Yeah, and I want Michael Bay to direct that movie. I want the Golden Ticket kids to get fucked up. I want them to get, like, missile striked. I'd love to see the unfollowable action sequences of Oompa Loompas, like, carrying out... Oompa Loompas, like...

Violet Beauregard, like, coming at her from all angles in these sort of confusing fucking Dutch-chilted media collisions. They've secretly constricted... They've been stealing scrap metal for years and constructing their own machine guns in the corners to start a violent overthrow of the factory. stealing scrap metal for years and constructing their own machine guns in the corners and start a violent overthrow of the factory willie wonka's just trying to like keep everything together while he's under attack from his own employees and these ticket winners can i ask you what's the

when you think of gene hackman what's the first movie you think of him in oh there's what i think it's is he in Red October? It's like one of those sorts that I can, you know, I can like see a VHS cover in my mind's eye with him on it. The main thing. I don't even know if I've seen a Gene Hackman movie, but like Line of Duty, is he in that? I don't know, maybe.

The main one I think of is weirdly The Replacements. He's the coach of Keanu Reeves in this ragtag team of ne'er-do-wells in The Replacements. Huh. I might have made up a movie called In the Line of Jury. No, that's a title that exists. Can I also ask you ask you tim at a guess how old is gene hackman today 85 91 wow and still going he's alive if that's what you mean

yeah yeah yeah that's what i mean i don't know if he's like going Alright now I've got to look up Gene Hackman's filmography to see What I know him from I feel like He's in all those war ones He's always like yelling at a room of generals And maybe he is a general Maybe he's in charge of the generals That does feel like the sort of shit Gene Hackman would get up to

Enemy of the state that was a big one That Will Smith one Which had a great tagline from memory um just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you or something like that you see that's great i butchered it but it was good it's great but also if you are paranoid it's probably the last thing you need to read um i just also want to say that uh will smith while you mention him yes gq interview with him recently which film do you think is his greatest regret I just also want to say that Will Smith, while you mention him, we did a GQ interview with him recently.

Which film do you think is his greatest regret? He's got one project that he describes as a thorn in his side. Matrix? Oh, like doing or not doing? Doing. But also the timing of that is right because it's a combination of doing and the not doing which that led to. Oh, so he did something else while Matrix was happening. So that's 99.

Oh, Wild Wild West. Wicked, wicked Wild Wild West. When I roll into the Wild Wild West. You would have thought that, you know, the steampunk legacy, that iconic Western sci-fi comedy left in its trail would be enough to temper any regrets about not starring in The Matrix. We've got to get back to the movie.

We don't have to. Carry On Emmanuel features a character called Theodore Valentine who, through the movie, meets and then falls in love with Emmanuel and then plots to violently kidnap her at gunpoint so that she can move in with him and his mother into their flat which is terrifying and he goes through with this plan brings the gun um takes her out he disguises his voice as an Australian bodybuilder, who Emmanuel is introduced to through the fitness instructional tapes that her ambassador husband is watching.

What was his name again? And then gets introduced to him. I don't know. I can't remember. He had a great name. It was... I like that he was Australian. I like that that was australian i like that that was

british of australia i took great comfort in hearing an australian accent in this movie i was like ah here's a fucking guy i can get on board with finally someone to attach myself to a bodybuilder so um yeah he pretends that he is the bodybuilder lures emmanuel outside then uh puts a gun to her and gets her to go into the car and um emmanuel is super chill about it which i guess you'd have to be because if you actually acknowledge the horror of the situation uh this this far and away stops being anything resembling pornographic or comedic. Harry Hernia. Oh, yeah, that's right.

That is a good name. See, they had some fun. It wasn't all dross. I don't know. Figuring out alliteration for a character title in a porn parody does not feel like... Putting Hernia onto a bodybuilder's name, it's comedy to me.

Well, it's an approximation of comedy. It is, isn't it? You didn't enjoy this. No, you're absolutely right. But what it served as for me was like an anthropological artifact that someone had uncovered. It was like a time capsule

of the things that very broad British society was enjoying at this time. See, I think for me, that makes sense, but for me, there was too much,

this movie, it's too much carry on and not enough Emmanuel. I'm looking for respite i'm looking for like um something that ties together my experience of the year and the the season of the podcast and instead i just got served up like barely relevant end of the line 19 late 1970s british parody and it just like incensed me more than it satisfied me i actually i haven't thought of it in these terms but i think it's important we do explore this a little bit this this we must have embarked on this my sense of time and recent history is just out the door i can't

place anything in chronological order or tell you when anything happened but covid19 has been around for about two years now right yeah so so we picked doing this emmanuel season like after one of the first lockdowns in New Zealand? We reunited and we said we'd watch some porn because we were trying to be like, we wanted to watch porn after midnight on a Friday. Yeah. So I guess we started out of lockdown

and then went into lockdown. But it's just like there's something about the fact that, I don't know, this season has been so, to my mind, patchy. They're all difficult, but this has been difficult in a unique, exciting, brand new way. It's been, honestly, Tim, it's been an incredibly confusing and exhausting through line in my life for the last however long there was something about the other seasons where the format is you we watch we sit down and we watch and review the

same movie which is like utterly painful but there is some sense of comfort that comes from the familiarity and meeting of expectations of course syndrome this is yeah this is like getting kidnapped by like a cousin of the same person every week it's like being kidnapped by your twin someone you share the exact genetic code of because you're like i know what's good we were brought up the same way we've got the same dna i know how this person's going to roll these emmanuel movies have it's all discombobulated because we don't we don't even know if there's porn coming up we don't know if it's going to be like vaguely enjoyable if there will be a deft hand at the on the director's chair this time and um it's it's been this kind of

tumultuous experience which in some small way has sort of mirrored the experience of the last year and a half to two years. Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder

to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing. ...is of living with this pandemic. It is, yeah. And I wonder, would it have been in some ways easier for us or more like emotionally useful to have gone with the same movie once again? Because all these things are changing around us, but at least we know

we have to watch X movie again and this happens and then this happens it's hard to say because there's been no rhythm to our scheduling either because of the nature of the world and like also the life changes that have been rung in during this time like you know

literally across the span of this season you have like create you and zoe have created new life like you know it's not just that someone was born it's that like the entire experience of creation has underscored like that is very funny that the whole pregnancy has been undertaken while i do these weekly porn watches with guy that's a funny marriage not that you don't need to watch not that you don't watch porn if you're if you're married and a parent, but there is this incredible dichotomy between the pursuit of this season of the podcast and then the really beautiful and truly celebratory

and incredible moments and steps that you've taken in your personal life. It's just like it has been an incredibly disorienting experience. This entire season has like, I walk away from it and I don't know how to feel. I think that's good. I think it's good to not always know what the lessons are, especially because it's not for us to know.

I think it's for each person listening to derive their own meaning and value from the project. Remy, and I know we've probably spoken about this already, but Remy can like, how many children can listen, even in passing, this is not, you know, this podcast has not been expressly about, you know, the journey of the pregnancy and birth and like, you know,

the first months and years of Remy's life, but how many children can listen back to you know one of their parents discussing their experience of life in the world spanning across the time in which they are being grown i think you're turning this into something it's not this podcast is not a journal of our lives this is us discussing bad pornography it's not a journal tim but it is a snapshot and it's a time capsule when you married this to covet 19 you really made me realize that this is we have put a marker down in the ground that this is what we were doing while the world was gripped by a pandemic the likes of which with the modern technology that affords connectivity

we've never confronted before. Well, you're right. You're right about that. I don't know what it means. I don't know if it's good or bad. And I'm not done. Even if we don't watch another Emmanuel, Tim, I put it to you.

There's another movie that is inside of the oeuvre of the Emmanuel season that we quite simply cannot miss before we put a bow on this thing. What? Well, it stars me, of course. Hello, George Lazenby, world's greatest listener, owner of an insatiable boner. I hope you don't mind, Guy and I,

organising this sort of impromptu pitch not for a porn pornographic movie we want to make so much as a non-pornographic movie that we think we should watch do go on i would love to hear what it is well you might know me best for my time on the emmanuel series sitting thigh to thigh with sylvia christelle while we fondly reminisce on her sexual experiences but what have i told you the world best knows me for my time as a certain character named james bond j oh Bond Oh fuck Are you George Lazenby suggesting That me, Tim Batt, Guy Montgomery And you sit down and watch On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The 1969 Bond movie To cap off This season of pornography watching It's precisely what I'm suggesting I could think of no more sensible or fitting into the emmanuel season of the worst idea of all time to be honest it makes me nervous to watch it with you i hope you don't stick around for our three-person conversation we'll see how we go i'd be disappointed if you don't. What an incredible opportunity.

Easy for some people to say. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. But I'm very into challenging my friends, even when I refuse to do a French accent for even the briefest of moments. At any rate, look, I think that's a wonderful idea. I think we should do it. Thank you.

It's exciting. And I haven't watched that movie in decades. Well, George, I'm embarrassed to say I haven't watched it ever. No time like the present. Yeah, true that. All right, well, we'll get that on the books. That'll be how we end it. If anyone does know how we can get our hands on Emmanuel Sex and Chocolate,

though, feel free to get in touch worst idea of all time dot com's got all the sort of methods to contact us on there but otherwise that one looks like a tough nut to crack otherwise we will be ending this fantastic season with on her majesty's secret service the only way

we know how Australian underwear model turned one-time bond george lazenby um i believe we've just got one small piece of unfinished business in this episode guy and i did see him skulking around outside by a bush i believe I saw the Boner Inspector. Boner Inspector! There he is. Boner Inspector! He's too loud and he definitely shouldn't be that loud.

Yes, well, you know, I like the way the shirt looks and this is how I talk. Yes, very cool. Boner Inspector, hello. Hello. We've just watched Carry On Emmanuelmanuel i know i heard i wondered given carry on emmanuel's categorization as a uh parody rather than a porno whether or not it would even be worth passing by but then i thought you know what a couple of comedians they might get boners in unusual places at unusual times maybe a good joke's what

they need to send them over the edge and so i'm here with my clipboard in this loud hawaiian shirt no trousers you can't see that they're framed out and i'm just wondering did you get a boner today tim doesn't have to be the movie. I'm so sorry to say that I haven't had a boner today, and I'll tell you what prevented it from happening specifically in this film, which is the fact that every person on screen, except admittedly the lead titular, Emmanuel, was of pension age. Don't say it,

lest you be ostracized by the ever-important podcasting listenership that is 70+. No one's embraced this exciting new medium with more vim and vigor than pensioners. And for you to cast them aside as sexually

uninteresting or unarousing is well, it's nothing short of rude. What do you think, Guy? Do you agree with the boner inspector? No. I mean, look, I'm not saying that they're not for some people, but it's just not to my taste.

Yeah, me neither. Like Tim, I didn't attain it. Honestly, the entire time I watched it, the boner was the least of my concerns. I just wanted to laugh. I almost wanted to tell him my yawns. Do you know anyone who's a yawn inspector who inspects people's yawns? Because no, no, that's a totally different line of industry. And I frankly have no time or interest in people who inspect yawns.

Anyone can see a yawn. People publicize their yawns in public that's true there's something i'm so disappointing because i think we've had a clean sweep potentially from both of us i know we've there's been movies where we've gotten sort of yes i've got them written down here yeah yeah yeah um well look we've got one more opportunity at plate um which is on her majesty's Secret Service, those James Bond movies. The Lazenby Bond film. Yeah, they're very horny movies.

Those Bonds are, yeah. I mean, you've got your world-famous Bond girls. Who was the Bond girl in that movie? I can't remember off the top of my head. Do you happen to know Boner Inspector? I think it was Diana Rigg. Okay, sounds right. Yeah, if memory serves, she was an English actress of stage and screen.

Do you happen to know who did the theme song? If you've got maybe a book or a piece of information with yeah yeah i'm a massive lazy bee head i believe the theme song was uh done john barry just do a cool i feel like that had a slightly because usually they get pop you know yeah it was john it was john barry it was yeah i just checked in my memory um it's a good one From memory it's a very good one So I'm looking forward to seeing that credit sequence Well I'm psyched for you guys I hope you get a freaking boner

Maybe I will Maybe I'll crack a big fat for the orchestral talent Of John Barry's Bond Orchestra Here's hoping Okay well we'll see you then time will tell Goodbye boner and Skeptic. Toodle-pip.

Good day. All right, Guy. Well, I guess we'll see you on the next episode, which will be the actual final one of this season. Exciting prospect. Sounds... It's been an honour going through these Emmanuel films with you, Guy. I can't say it's always been...

Not every moment has been fun. Well, I think in totality it's been, I think above all important. Yeah. I believe as Chris Martin from Coldplay once said, nobody said it was easy. And then other lyrics.

Thanks, Tim. Nice to talk to you. I'm going to get out there and enjoy this day. Sounds good. All right, buddy. Take care. Bye-bye. Today. To be continued...