The Worst Idea Of All Time - 42: Our Two Dads

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

Tim and Guy started the watch separately and have come together to compare dads. Meat Loaf is under rated. Music is under rated. Timbo's been getting electrically shocked, The Flash has a song in his heart. All told, the boiz have done all in their power to avoid chatting about the movie this time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We just have a good rhythm together, you know, he sort of feels me out, I feel him out, and we go for it. Hello, and welcome to the worst idea of all time, Smoker's Lounge edition. Episode 41, with Guy Montgomery and Tim Betts. You're in the Smoker's Lounge, welcome, let me take your coat. with Guy Montgomery and Tim Batts. You're in the Smoker's Lounge. Welcome. Let me take your coat.

Yeah. Please find yourself a comfortable velvet chair and order from our extensive list of cocktails as we show you only the best of times. Can I get you a cognac? Sorry, let me say that again. Can I get you a cognac? No, no, the first one. Cognac?

Yeah. We're still in New Zealand after all. Yeah, it's true. Truth be No, no, the first one. Cognac? Yeah. We're still in New Zealand after all. Yeah, it's true. Truth be told, everyone, it's been a weird old watch. Started individually, came together, not in unison, and then sort of steadied the ship. Halfway through the movie, we decided instead of watching the movie to watch the introductions to... God of War?

God of War. The Nick Cage movie. Lord of War, maybe. Yeah. And then you showed me the fantastic intro to The Watchmen. Yeah, man. And then we sort of went back to the movie and watched it through to the end. And then we've probably spent the last 40 minutes just playing different banging songs and watching it uh watching the movie with

all the audio pulled down and just you know rescoring it yeah and it turns out the main problem with six in the city the movie is the dialogue the story and the soundtrack but the acting editing and camera work it's all good it's all serviceable We've been on quite a journey Pink Floyd Got a look in CCR's made an appearance Randy Newman Lena Simone Obviously the music of

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Queen We've heard from Meatloaf Van Morrison Van Morrison and them Was a real good one I think the classical's A good buzz though

Certainly for recording Yeah It's lending a real sense Of. I think the classical is a good buzz though. Certainly for recording. Yeah. It's lending a real sense of urgency to what is otherwise a pretty pedestrian conversation. But that's the beauty of music. And can I recommend this?

If you've never tried it, why don't you try listening to music while being stoned on the drug marijuana? You should do this. Listen to what the man says. He's not lying.

I'm not lying. I offered Tim $50 today to never talk to me again. The money is still on the table. He put it under the laptop dangling a little honey trap for me the whole time. I said, Guy,

it is worth more money to me for us to keep talking. He said, well, I'm just going to put it here. And it's been visible the whole time. Yeah. There is a spectre. a spectre haunting Timbo, and it's that $50 note.

It's got Sir Aparana Nata on the, that's what we call that. You call it a Benjamin, we call it an Aparata. And on the flip side, blue meanies. A couple of psychedelic mushrooms. It's pretty weird. Someone told me it's a lie, but I don't believe them. I choose to believe Jeremy Wells, who put me onto the fact that on the 50 in New Zealand,

we've got the illicit, illegal drug magic mushrooms. It's good, eh? Yeah. We're a cool country, and we are cool boys. Tim, you're looking fantastic. Thanks, so are you. I love the colour scheme of your outfit. How conscious are you of the colours you're choosing

when you dress yourself in the morning? Somewhat. I would say somewhat. I like this yellow T-shirt I've got because it's bright. I like to have a little bit of colour somewhere. Where does it weigh on your consideration to wear that sort of army green jacket over the yellow t-shirt?

It was washing day today, so the options become slightly more limited. But I think it works. I like these jeans. These are good jeans. Would you think less of me if I told you I was on the third cycle of a pair of socks? Ah, yeah.

Fresh undies, old socks. The Guy Montgomery story. Yeah, I think in terms of a priority list, like underwear, it's non-negotiable. Socks. Or is it? What, are you... I know, I'm big on fresh undies.

To be honest, the laundry's just been mounting. Yeah, it's just a situation where you've been caught on the hop. Yeah, absolutely. How does it feel to be wearing three-day-old socks? Does it matter at all? Yeah. Not, oh, no, no. When you put them on, you're like, this doesn't feel right.

But once you're out of the house, how, I mean, you know, it's like driving a new car off the lot. Once it's off the lot, it's not new anymore. Once old socks are out of the house, they're not old anymore. They're just socks. They're just socks at that point. It's not a new car. It's just a car.

It's very true. And if you've I think the better quality the sock these are some high quality woolen socks then you're probably fine

for three days they're not they don't I mean obviously all socks retain some sort of odor but these are you know

like tramping big thick woolen socks that you wear I'll go in for you know like a four day tramp and I can sometimes get away with just those.

If you leave them out at night so they can dry normally, you hang them inside out. That's you. And there's a lot of sweating going on on those walks, man. Yeah. Fuck, I love a hike. You walk fast. Fuck, I love a hike, man. I don't like any of these characters.

Mm-hmm. I don't like any of these characters. The Sex and the City movie is playing just in the background as well, so you know. What's playing not so quietly is, I think, still Mozart? No. Who we're dealing with now. And what we're watching, what we're being treated to visually is the film again.

We did this to kind of I think atone because there was a slightly disrespectful attitude to the movie we are both in the middle of a festival in which we're both performing Tim's opened his show this week it's going well

I've heard it's very funny I've heard from multiple sources that last night people were beside themselves with laughter. Oh, that's great. That's the goal. Literally could not be laughing harder at certain moments during the show. That's awesome. That is awesome.

I mean... That's the most you could hope for, isn't it? As a comedian, pretty much, yeah. Would you care to share why? Oh, why people were laughing so hard last night? Why would anyone laugh so hard? There's a segment in the show, because it's a chat show. It's not a normal stand-up comedy show,

because I couldn't be bothered writing another one this year. So it's a chat show, and there's a segment where we play a game where the stakes are my co-host Disaster Radio and I wearing electric shock collars that you train dogs with. And the person who had the buzzer last night to trigger it off was a highly inebriated 64 year old woman who was having the time of her life just shocking me over and over and over and over and over again on the highest setting it was nuts yeah and uh did you feel any ill effects either in the moment, immediately afterwards, or this morning?

In the moment, absolutely. Yes. Because if you get those like shock collars, if they buzz you... How many volts of electricity is that sending through you? Yeah, I'm not sure. You don't even know. It's not the volts that gets you, it's the amps. It's the amps that'll kill you.

I always remember my dad saying that. It's not the volts that'll kill you, it's the amps. It's the amps that'll kill you. I always remember my dad saying that. It's not the votes that'll kill you, it's the amps. Really? Yeah, absolutely. What was he talking about when you were ramming forks into the socket? Totally.

My dad's a very handy man, and so by osmosis, when you're surrounded by smart people like that, you pick up the odd little, that's like the one thing I remember. You don't pick up the actual value, you just pick up enough information to feel like you could be intelligent my dad's a legend let me tell you a little brief story about

him and i reckon he might be listening mom listens to the podcast so mom pass pass on to dad that i've brought this story up i might get it slightly wrong but when he was 14 he essentially drew the plans for his grandparents house to build that they followed yeah like the blueprint for the house that's incredible yeah and then he became a qualified draftsman to do it properly there's some bridge in christchurch that he designed it's still there he's a man of many talents yeah hugely he's a sensation yeah wow what do you do Sensation. Yeah.

Wow, what do you do? This, Guy Montgomery. This is what I do. And what does he think of that? It's hard to say, isn't it? Does he admire it? Oh, no, I don't think so. Does he admire your ingenue? He actually does, and he has said that before,

because my dad, in his previous job, had to do quite a bit of public speaking, because he was sort of a boss of people, not animals. And so you've got to do talks and stuff, and he hates it. He hates public speaking. He's not into it. And it's always kind of, I think, amused him that, particularly me and my sister, we get into it.

Did his distaste for public speaking last the entire job or did his sort of nerves or what he didn't like about it, did that lessen? Yeah, I think so. It's easy to forget when it's your livelihood how much people hate public speaking. It's a fear literally higher ranked than death if you ask people. I know, it's a famous Seinfeld joke. Is it? higher ranked than death if you ask people i know it's a famous uh seinfeld joke is it yeah he says uh so at a funeral people would rather be in the casket than delivering the yeah isn't it just um it shows you how flawed we are like how we do not make sense my uh my father is uh he's so anxious about public speaking, he can't watch me public speak.

Is that right? He does, but he can't enjoy any of it. Oh, that really surprises me. Because I imagine, like, I could totally see Stephen really knocking a speech out of the park. Yeah, yeah. He's got very good comic timing. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he'd be great if you're watching someone do a speech.

He'd be a great guy to be sitting next to. Gotcha. Does he get too empathetic, though? Does he feel for the person on stage? Oh, if he's personally invested, like, you know. If it's you and you're bombing. But if we're at an event and we don't know or care about the speaker and you're sitting next to Stephen Montgomery,

he's going to be, he's tagging. He's giving you all the asides. Love it. Director's going to be, he's tagging. He's giving you all the asides. Love it. Director's commentary via Stephen. Anyway, enough talk about... Hey, speaking of

director's commentaries, I actually, I'm kind of bummed that we had to start the movie separately this morning because I was going to treat us to the director's commentary. Because that fantastic

audience member at the Melbourne Live Show gave us the DVD. And I sampled a tiny little 30 seconds of the director's commentary and Mattress Pikelet King sounds like a fucking psycho. And it's just him.

For two hours and a half. As far as I could tell from the little snippet I heard. That's an exciting prospect. You ever heard the Dercom from Old School? No. It's so good. What do they do? It's a big goof. The whole thing's a big old school no it's so good what do they do it's a big goof the whole thing's a big goof but it's really great it's great i love that so i got a text with an image on it i really wanted to see what it is oh okay fair enough we haven't been

respecting the podcast much this morning why start now well do you know what we've been respecting ourselves and we've been respecting each other and i feel like we've earned this i mean we watch the movie yeah the movie's the reason that we're in our current state and position and having this conversation in the first place is that not respecting the podcast i like i like what you're saying about us respecting ourselves because there is a total element of self-care that this morning has been about i think it's like yes we are here to do the work but also watch meatloaf and see if it can sync up like a bat out of hell to the wedding scene and well you went on a big do you know when so tim suggested meatloaf spat out of hell as a potential match for parts of the movie

and he wasn't wrong and as soon as you said Meatloaf better to hell, I thought to myself, I bet you Tim's going to go on a rant about how Meatloaf is underrated. And lo and behold. Before I could finish the thought in my inner monologue, Tim was saying, you know what?

Meatloaf doesn't get his because... It's fucking true, man. If you listen to Meatloaf records now, records now like god damn it they're so good and what's your favorite thing about meatloaf it's fucking nothing dude he picked that he could have picked anything and he went with meatloaf and that's probably quite a hacky i'm sure there's so many comedians from the 90s i've got premise premises about that but fuck it's too good call yourself meatloaf yeah it's too good to the point that the fact he chose to do that is better than any joke even the best joke that someone could

write about it he already knows it's the alpha move when you go into a new school and you don't want to be put upon so you identify your weaknesses i'm fat so yeah okay yeah you weird kid he's awesome though i've read a little bit about him, and I think he tried to get into opera, but they wouldn't have him because he's too sort of unorthodox. So he's got this phenomenal range and everything, and he obviously loves that kind of glam rock approach

and married it with his love of opera, and that's how you get married. Meatloaf is a fucking genre. He's one of those dudes who's like, he is a sub-genre of rock. How much would you pay to see Meatloaf is a fucking genre He's one of those dudes Who's like He is a sub-genre of rock How much would you pay To see Meatloaf in concert? Uh

Not a lot now Because he was in New Zealand And it didn't go so well Two, three years ago What happened? He collapsed on stage Oh no Yeah

He was on like an oxygen tank afterwards Oh Yeah Does he not look after himself? I don't think Meatloaf does look after himself dude I could be wrong, though. How good was he in Fight Club? This movie.

I don't think Meatloaf looks after himself is a funny sentence. Hey, it's kind of... We don't usually have the movie going in the background while we're... Should we comment on what's happening a little bit? Oh, not necessarily. Harry's going to get jilted. It goes on and on. Do you know, I was so amped for the scene before this one,

which we were watching separately. It's before you turned up. It was so funny, you guys. Guy turned up, so I get a knock at the door, and I've got Bluetooth headphones in, and I've got a fucking phone glued to my head. Look at Sex and the City. I open the door.

Guy's got Bluetooth headphones on, holding a laptop with Sex and the City. I open the door. Guy's got Bluetooth headphones on, holding a laptop with Sex and the City playing. What is this shit? Yeah, I had to get a Zoomie here, which is the locally New Zealand-owned rideshare app. How was it? It was great. I love it.

I use it all the time. But the driver, I said, I'm so sorry, man. I have to do this for work. And he looked at me and smiled. He said, busy morning? And I said, I'm so sorry, man. I have to do this for work. And he looked at me and smiled. He said, busy morning? And I said, not really. Here's a sweet guy, Raj.

Oh, wait. You apologized to him? Yeah. It's very rude to climb into someone's car while you're watching a movie with headphones on. Oh, I see. Okay, gotcha. You're holding the laptop. Yeah, right.

And he was fine with it. Yeah, he was a good guy. That's cool man The majority of Ride share drivers I've had Are Yeah What's happening now?

They're good They're good people Oh thank god It's either no music Or all music But not Some music and then stop That's too much

What I was gonna say Is that the scene before All of this When everyone's very excited About the wedding i fucking relish that today because i was like you dumb fucks don't know what's coming around well i actually i'd like to talk about that scene as well because uh we've sort of i think we've danced around it samantha does a toast and speaking of public speaking i think she's pretty confident

she's you know she believes in virtue i, you know, she believes in virtue. I don't know if she believes in everything she says, the character Samantha, but she sells everything she says as though it's the funniest possible thing to say in that moment. And she delivers this speech. And the way she punctuates her tag for big, which is a man who finally got carried away. I want to know from you, how long has she been sitting on that line? Because she telegraphs the shit out of it.

It's like, she cannot wait to get to it. And I don't know if it occurred to her mid-flow, and she thought, oh, this is going to ramp everything up. No years, dude. Not even minutes or anything, like years.

I reckon maybe two years. She's been waiting for a big event. She didn't know it was going to be the wedding necessarily maybe it would be i don't i think they actually they agreed they're not going to have babies they uh big and carry we don't see that conversation this in the second movie they reference it yeah but we don't see the you know yeah yeah but we know that information without familiarity in a rare move by Sex and the City, we don't both see the decision and then watch the aftermath of the decision in conversation.

At a cafe. Yeah. Where people ram croissants into their mouth. I've been looking at their food. These dames do not know how to order a goddamn brunch. It kills you, eh?

Yeah. I go out to cafes. I like going to the cafe. Yeah. I study the menu i know what i want yeah not a comment about the food and i'll tell you why i used to get me i used to think it was bad movie making it's true to the characters these they've got bland palettes they don't know what to look for on a menu yeah it's just you know they're always ordering fuck i don't

know i would there's a lot of kind of bready things, I think. Well, yeah, and a lot of like real shitty side salads, you know. Bit of mescaline, bit of dressing, some grated carrot. As soon as you put grated carrot in a side salad, I mean, you know, two fucking cherry tomatoes that expired three days ago. Yeah. That's the side salad. And then they've got like a grilled panini.

Ham, cheese, tomato, all B to C grade. Are paninis in the States? No, they're an Italian food. I don't know that they made it to... I don't know that any Italian culture made it to America. Right, right. But, so you think Samantha's been sitting on that for a while? Two years.

And then it finally got carried away. Do you think her business is going well? Yes yes all the trappings there that it is hey you know what um what i thought this watch as well how's this for a uh unbalanced relationship smith garrett on their fifth anniversary buys samantha a 55 000 diamond ring she specifically wanted and she got him a blowjob anniversary buys Samantha a $55,000 diamond ring she specifically wanted and she got him a blowjob an unwanted she didn't even give it

he returned the gift yeah that's never a good sign in a relationship is it was that when you there needs to be balance balance is the key to any healthy relationship. But it doesn't need to be uniform, because...

No. At the flat, actually, recently we were having a conversation about the different love languages, and some people were gift givers, and other people, they have other ways of expressing their love. My love language? French. Nice one.

What do you think of Big this watch? What do you think about Big? No good. I reckon he's actually been on the Terps. We don't see him drinking. Oh, we do. We see him with a glass of red and a little whiskey. He's drinking alone as well.

That's seen in New Year's. I drink alone from time to time. We've all got to. But I reckon the guy's been... It's when you're nipping in private in secret yeah never way in private sure hiding a sixer in the cistern above the toilet the guy's no good he's been on the bash and that's why he hasn't been able to uh drive himself for the last decade absolutely that's a that's a smart play actually if you got um Man that's pretty cool

If you got rich enough You could just be Sozzled all the time Because you've got a driver Yeah It rules Well Does it

No it actually doesn't Tears people apart It's a bad thing Mr Big is no exception That's why his nerves are fried Yeah Debussy Love it Just thought we could use a vibe change yeah fair enough yeah no that's good actually it's quite good i always think of that scene from um oceans 11 when i hear

this because they use it at the end the water fountain scene after a big success after a big success it's quite it's bittersweet though it's a bittersweet moment because uh you know there's this ragtag bunch of criminals who have sort of grown a friendship found a sense of community amongst one another they realize they can all never see each other again they gotta bail and bail for good or else they'll get found out and take their money and run heartbreaking stuff but then there's two more movies, so quickly undercut. As heartbreaking as Carrie being jilted at the altar by Mr. Big? Sure. Yeah, why not?

Why not? These women do not listen to each other when they talk. These women do not listen to each other when they talk. They only want to talk about themselves. They only want to talk about themselves. When others are speaking, they think about themselves cause they suck they suck they suck so much they shouldn't be allowed to play this movie in cinemas or TVs or computer screens. I'm losing my mind. I'm losing it fine. I'm losing it in time.

Ho! How are you, man? And we're back in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to think of a shining light, and it might have been that song you just sung i got one technically that's not in the movie yeah go on at the start of the movie they're trying when they're playing pink floyd's breathe they're trying to when you are playing they're trying to establish that carrie is a writer that was he. And a writer that's good enough to survive on writing. And we see a shot of her at her keyboard furiously typing away.

And we are to believe that she's penning, you know, some insightful, you know, article for Vogue or Cosmopolitan or maybe even the Times, the New Yorker. Just, you know, something that fulfills the brief that she's given herself as a sexual anthropologist she's smiling she's typing and we see the words that are coming up on her screen and as always whenever she's writing it's a very what she's writing is samantha charlotte and miranda and you they're looking at folks like i'm crushing it and then the voiceover afterwards is like three years many years and three books later, I'm still where I was. And I'm like, I don't know, man. That's the narration where she refers to her friends as meal tickets.

Yeah. But it's a horrible way to look at the people in your life. I want a copy of Manhattan on my desk by 9 a.m. this morning. And I want to know who the Spider-Man is. I need those pictures, Peter. Manhattan is a real book, right? Written by the woman whose name I forget who created this whole crazy franchise. In novel form.

Candice Bushnell. Fuck, you're good. I prefer her sequel, Manhattan. I take back what I said about you being good. No, it's good. This is fun. It's all about men railing against various pieces of pop culture. I really like Samantha's outfit when she goes to Mexico. Did you know that Joe DiMaggio hates the Mona Lisa?

What are you talking about? It's all in Men Hating. It's public figures railing against pop culture. Okay, give me another. Did you know that fucking Ben Stiller, he can't stand palm trees. Are you saying palm trees? Yeah, man. Were you aware that Jerry Springer detests democracy?

Yeah. Hates the stuff. He's been on the record with that. Hates it. A bunch. Hates the stuff. He's been on the record with that. Hates it. A bunch. Hey, I love you. What do you think about Steve Buscemi at this point? Having watched Sex and the City, the movie, 41 times,

what do you think about Steve Buscemi now? I miss the fucker. Yes, same, dude. Bring him back. He's such a fine actor. Imagine this. Steve Buscemi wandering around, background to frame, slightly out of focus. Jaramillo and each finger.

Wait, reverse what I said. Just stumbling into huge pratfalls, physical obstacles, just absolute old-style slapdash comedy. Everyone else is in color, rich color. Steve Buscemi, black and white. And if you listen very carefully, you can hear the crank of like that old style sort of physical comedy, silent film music playing.

Old school piano. Like a honky tonk piano maybe. Perhaps. I reckon he could carry this, this role that you've imagined for him. He's an actor known for his physicality, of course. Famously. For example, in the franchise Grown Ups, where he gets his arms trapped in a Jesus-like position.

You know it, I know it. We all know it. Oh, and actually, Jesus didn't do the touchdown. Jesus was a different thing. He did the crucifix. That was his big move, wasn't it? Yeah, famously. Buscemi is big for the touchdown

jesus big for the cross what's meatloaf big for he's big for bats yes he loves the things he absolutely loves them there's a bit coming up in the movie um that is just playing in the background where samantha feeds carrie and it's like I think it's a real room split at that one because I've never not enjoyed that moment and I don't think Guy has ever enjoyed it no Guy

no no it's all hold on I don't know how clearly you all at home can hear that, but it is the peanut butter jelly time song. What's the problem? There's no problem here, officer. Thank you. Everything is very much on the level.

You can't go to silence, though. That's the other thing. The floor is lava, and also silence is the floor. Oh, shit. So let's get off it. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to fix it for you right now, my friend. Thank you very much.

I'm so looking forward to seeing what you pick. Do you know what? Okay. Tell you what's happened here. Go ahead. This song, this piece of music, which is a very famous classical piece, is used in a very pivotal moment in Short Circuit 2,

where Johnny Five looks at himself in a mirror and realizes he's grotesque and broken and not a person. Fucks me up every time, man. Is that what you're thinking of right now? Absolutely. I felt that in the pit of my stomach. Would you rather go on a tramp and stay in one of the dock conservation huts?

Those are the sort of sleep outs. If you go on a tramp and stay in one of the dock conservation huts? Those are the sort of sleep outs. If you go on a multi-day trek, you can, you know, you share these public spaces with people sometimes. Would you rather walk in there and see, what's that character's name? Johnny Five. Johnny Five. Share the room with him for two nights. Or Samantha Jones.

Share the room with her for one night. Johnny Five. Would you rather... There wasn't me taking a long time to decide. It was me deciphering what the words meant. Yeah. And it's absolute... It's Johnny Five in a heartbeat with a bullet.

Would you rather see Samantha Jones or Miranda Hobbs? I'm going to need more detail on the situation. Are we in any... Two nights. Two nights. Shared food, shared drink. Any... They lean on you.

Is there any peril? No peril, but they are panicked. Yeah. And it's your responsibility for whatever reason. Samantha. Across 48 consecutive hours, you're taking care of this person. Samantha. They're taking care of you.

It's going to be more fun. I think we'll be able to boy each other. B-O-U-Y. Now they're taking care of you. Like maybe I've injured my leg. My meniscal tears flared up again. Miranda Hobbs or Samantha Jones? Who's your nurse?

Miranda, of course. Samantha feeds Carrie yogurt. Yes, she does, which is beautiful intent and a heart full of goodness, but I need a strong head on stronger shoulders right now. Charlotte cannot open her chocolate puddings. Yes, she can't. What do you mean? What's happened?

Do you mean in the movie? Or do you mean this is a hypothetical? I mean in the movie. Oh, no, it's real. Look at her. What do you mean she can't open them? She's, like, for a grown-up who's probably familiar with eating these puddings, she has them all the time.

Yeah. Oh, she's bad at it. It is an absolute battle. Look at her. Oh, yeah, she does struggle, doesn't she? She's got 15 seconds worth of struggling to get that lid off. You've got, she's bad at it. It is an absolute battle. Look at her. Oh, yeah, she does struggle, doesn't she? It's about 15 seconds worth of struggling to get that lid off.

You've got to treat it as a lever. Give me a lever large enough and I will move the world. Have you got any questions for me? Yeah, I do. The first one, and there's five, so prepare yourself.

I'm ready. Is, are you having a good time? Started off having a good time. Probably reduced to neutral now because i'm confused i understand um my second question is where did the palm trees thing come from some part of my brain that was panicking there's nothing nothing recent that sort of like oh sorry oh you're talking about the ben still a palm tree yeah yeah yeah uh that came from reading Candice Bushnell's Men Hatin, a list of powerful, well-known men railing against various different parts of popular culture.

Yeah. There's a whole chapter on Ben Stiller's disdain for palm trees. What is it that he hates about them? Is it the fact that people keep planting them where they shouldn't be, just because they're aesthetically pleasing. But they're supposed to be on tropical islands, not in the middle of a roundabout in Los Angeles. He doesn't understand them. He doesn't get what they're all doing.

What are they doing up there? What are they doing? I can't live in that. What's it doing up there? It's too tall. There's not enough branches on the tree. It's not a building. It's not a bush.

It's like a big, thick blade of grass. What is it? It's somewhere in between. It's not a bush. It's like a big thick blade of grass. What is it? It's somewhere in between. It's yucky. My man. My third question is thusly. What do you think of sex in the city right now? What do you think of it?

It makes me feel... Bad about myself. It makes me feel bad about the decisions I've made. It makes me feel anxious. Are you being honest right now, or are you leaning on answers you've previously given to this question? I want you to look inside yourself, and I want you to clear away any memory of previous answers. No, it does. I told Chelsea this morning when I was watching it.

She said, how are you feeling? I said, this is making me anxious. It was making me anxious to watch it, to have to still get ready, leave the house, come around here. When I saw you and we started riffing and laughing, it made me feel good

but there's not sex in the city. That's a concern. I guess we don't have long to go now. Not on this mortal coil. Has the Seinfeld theme sort of lessened the blow, though? Surely that's put you in a good spot. It's impossible to feel sad hearing that slap bass. It's made me feel a little bit better.

That's good. Here's my fourth question. I think that's what we're up to. If you could pick your birthday, what day would you choose? 29th of September, 1988. That's your actual birthday? On the perfect age. Okay.

Me and Kevin Durant. Feel bad for the guy. Kevin Durant is the exact same age as you. Yeah, same height. Really? Same net worth. Same basketball team. Same height.

Hold on. Hold the phone. Hold everything. I'm seven foot tall. Hold my calls. And my final question for you is, like, just close your eyes for a second.

What is your, literally your perfect day where are you who are you with what are you doing i'm with beautiful chelsea nice i wake up uh at about 9 15 a.m it warm. It's about 23 degrees Celsius outside. The perfect temperature. Yeah. The window is slightly open. There's a very gentle breeze blowing across the bed. I pull the curtains.

It's already quite light in the room, but I pull the curtains. It becomes lighter. And look, I'm seeing some beach. I'm seeing some ocean. I'm seeing absolutely no obligations. And I'm seeing two ocean i'm seeing absolutely no obligations and i'm seeing uh uh two chairs in a table both that recline quite far back but also can sit upright the legs the legs are at 90 degrees at 45 degrees 90 degrees they're not like flat they're not lie down lounges yeah i got it and

there's a two books and a backgammon board. And a chili bin full of different fruits and drinks. And I'm in my togs. And my togs are cool. What's on the togs? They're exactly the color of my skin. And nothing else? No prints or anything?

It just looks like you're naked with a mound yeah for genitals like a king doll and the whole day is people walking by and uh trying to figure out if i'm wearing togs or not it's the perfect amount of gag man i don't know that's great there's such a beautiful scene apples or oranges apples i can't compare these myself oh boy oh brother we're fucking way off track man yeah yeah that's what happens when you put the music on um no that's good well thus concludes my five questions for guy montgomery and now uh you have two questions that you get to ask me. Okay. If you had to watch... If you had to only watch one TV show,

all our TV seasons to exist, you only get one TV show for the rest of your life, what would you choose? Fresh Prince has popped up real early in my head, but I don't think I want to land on it. Well, okay. Let's think about this logically. You probably want to pick something with the most episodes possible, right? So at the very least, you don't have to keep running through.

So I'm going to pick Shortland Street. New Zealand soap Shortland Street. Yeah, there's uh almost 6 800 episodes of it fascinating choice so you get you could get really invested of course and you would if each episode is half an hour it's 24 minutes technically but half as easy to do the math on so that's uh like 3 200 hours, 3,400 hours of watch. And how many days is that? It's like 24, is that 100 days? Like 120 days, I think. I might be off.

But my point is you don't have to really repeat anything. You are eventually going to have to repeat something. It's the rest of your life. Are you forced to watch TV? Or is it like if you're watching TV, this is what's on? There are no books. You are eventually going to have to repeat something. It's the rest of your life. Are you forced to watch TV? Not. Or it's like, if you're watching TV, this is what's on? There are no books. There's no music or anything.

Whoa. Okay. Bit different. This is culture. So, like, it's your life as it is now, and you only get one show. I don't like you talking about this while there's no music on because it makes me feel like we accidentally traveled there or willed this into existence.

And it doesn't sit right with me. Can you please put Meatloaf on? Yeah, no worries. Can you do me a favor and put some Meatloaf on? TV show... In my heart of hearts, it would probably be some sort of docu-series. You know? I like non-fiction dirty jobs it'd be dirty jobs great answer yeah would you rather be a dolphin or a bird

dolphin for sure would you rather be able to fly or become invisible? Fly. Would you rather be, and I need you to pay attention to what I'm asking you here, would you rather be Carrie Bradshaw or Miranda Hobbs? Carrie Bradshaw explain and discuss she lacks enough self-awareness for it to be a problem how much she sucks to her

she's just confused by the fact that some people don't like her I'm fun see you next time everybody I'm fun. See you next time, everybody. I'm calling it. I'm so sorry. We just have a good rhythm together, you know.

He sort of feels me out, I feel him out. And we go for it.