The Worst Idea Of All Time - 45: Carrie's Pawns

Episode Date: May 30, 2019

The boiz are watching everywhere - they're watching in a Zoomy, they're watching in a room-y. Tim's very tired and booking flights he's not using. Guy is snake charmer now. One thing remains - there are VERY few continuity errors in this movie. HOWEVER TIM FOUND ONE THIS WATCH! Great stuff. You either die the Samantha or live long enough to become the Carrie. All this AND Mattress Pikelet King's face: SEVERE! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We just have a good rhythm together, you know, he sort of feels me out, I feel him out, and we go for it. Hey, this is hot shit. Hello everyone and welcome to the worst idea of all time, live in Auckland! All right, hello everyone and welcome to the worst idea of all time, live in Auckland. Yeah. In the beautiful Whammy Bar on a Sunday afternoon, I have never felt shabbier in all my days. I feel okay. And thanks for coming.

It's funny, you know, you get a real taste for who your audience is when you do the live shows, don't you? And our audience is... Gorgeous. our audience is humble, I would say. Stunning. And, you know, in terms of majority, they just look like different versions, diverse and interesting group of people. But you really just attract other fucking versions. You just attract other... Jesus Christ, guy.

Oh, wow. What? Yeah. Well, what do you expect, man? Let's give some context to the watch, eh? Well, actually, do you know, there is, I know of at least one audience member who has got no concept of anything that's about to happen. So impressive to stumble into a show that was advertised about five days ago.

I mean, this is serious niche viewing. Or listening, for those of you playing along at home, one libertarian listener. It's my MacBook Air, if you're curious. It's good. We have just watched for the 45th time in, what's 45 divided by two, Tim? 22 and a half.

Nice. Weeks. We've watched the Sex and the City movie and it was not good. There's been like an hour of buffering between when we got set up, ready to record, which means that the impact of the movie and the sort of psychological deterioration

that has enforced, it has lessened somewhat. A little. I feel significantly more relaxed than I did in your house. You know what was fucked up though? And this is a real credit to the sense of humour of the bar staff here, our beautiful tech Tom.

Give it up for Tom, everyone. Tom thought it would be a real funny gag to just play the Sex and the City, the movie, the soundtrack while we were setting up, and it was terrifying. It was like, but I've already seen it today. I've already done it. I thought you were punking me but no so we

hey Finn how are you man yeah good to see you good seat too I actually reckon it's going to block the projector later but time will tell no he's sitting in it now and the eye line's fine look at him

he's no he moved after you said it sit how you'd like to sit Finn this is going to make for some He moved after you said it. Sit how you'd like to sit, Finn. This is going to make for some absolutely terrible listening. Well, it'll be a huge deviation from the previous string of 44 episodes we've released. Not wrong.

Start as you mean to go on. No, so we watched it at Tim's house. Tim flew back from Wellington. I picked him up from the airport. Poppy on the lappy. Dropped the car back off at my girlfriend's. We called a Zoomy to Tim's house. We watched a movie in the Zoomy.

Zoomy, of course, Zoomy is a locally owned ride sharing app. It's like an organic Uber. It's like a free range locally sourced Uber. It is. Do you know, I was talking to a driver last night. He said, I said, how many people order Zoomy? Because you've got to drive for all of them if you're driving. He drives for Uber and Ola and Zumi.

He said, Uber is about 60% down from 80 about a year ago. Yeah, they're getting a raw shake on that now. The rates keep going down. And then Ola probably comprises 35% of it. And then Zumi is a meagre 5%. In fact, this episode brought to you by Zumi. Use the code WORSTIDEA to get a... Nothing will happen. You'll get locked out.

So we watched it, we got to Tim's, and we were just watching on a laptop in his kitchen, and it was not reaching us. We could not interface with the movie. Well, hold on. Even before that, we're in the middle... Well, we're actually at the end of the comedy festival now. So we've been doing lots of performing on a stage.

I've just finished my show. I did nine nights of it. And I'm very tired. I'm very, very tired. And I slept for about three hours last night. And to just, like, have to get on a Jetstar flight. for about three hours last night and to just like have to get on a Jetstar flight. It's like I had to be at the airport at about eight o'clock.

I'm going to give you a list of things that no one else made you do. Yeah. No one else made you get three hours of sleep last night. No one else made you book a Jetstar flight. No one else is making you watch Sex and the City for the 45th time. Yep.

These are all decisions you have made and now you're bemoaning them in front of a paying audience. I'm just giving context. you watch Sex and the City for the 45th time. Yep. These are all decisions you have made, and now you're bemoaning them in front of a paying audience. I was just giving context. You know what's messed up as well is I had a beautiful, gorgeous Air New Zealand flight, but for tomorrow, that is now just... Because you put this show on. Yeah.

Well, I just... The amount of flights that I've booked and not taken is fucking staggering. How many? Like, it'd be more than 10. It'd be double digits. Is that uncommonly high? It's quite a lot, isn't it?

No, that's high, man. I've only done that once due to a medical emergency. That's it? Yeah. Because I book a flight and then I forget things are on. There's got to be a better system, really. You'd think, eh? And the fucked up thing is,

I went to change the flight, because I figured it out fairly early on, when we were like, this is the only day we can do the live show. I said, oh, I'd better try and change that Air New Zealand flight, and it was going to cost $300 to change it. It would have been worth it, though. I don't think it would. It costs less than

half of that to fly jetstar so say what you will about jetstar but you know they're cheap they are cheap i will say that i'll say jetstar cheap anyway all of this is a huge deviation from what i was trying to say so we went to tim's lounge he's got these big honking speakers right next to the couch in his lounge and to watch the movie to really engage and let it penetrate us, pure brute force, we put the soundtrack on. Speakers not unlike the ones that we're performing on today. And so on a very small laptop screen, we watched Sex and the City, accompanied by the loudest audio that was slowly,

because it was done on Bluetooth, becoming more and more out of sync as the movie wore on, which ordinarily is infuriating enough as it is. And I pointed the speakers at us. Yeah. It was so fucking loud, you guys. We were working on, well, I was working on the assumption that, like, if it's so loud, there's no way to escape it or ignore it anymore. Because we drift off.

It's hard. You're sitting there, you're looking at the screen, and it's coming at you, and you hear it, and it's like it's all happening, but you just tune out now. But to have something at that volume, it was like just pure vibrations. I felt like a snake interpreting movements on the ground. It was so fucking loud. Can snakes not hear?

No. Truly? Yeah, I think that's right. No, that's right. No, I stand by that. Snakes can't hear anything. They feel vibrations on the ground. They don't have ears. I've never seen

a snake with ears, but that's not to say they don't have holes through which they hear. That's why the whole snake charmer thing, it's all movement. That's true. It is all movement. It's the bottom of the recorder or whatever woodwind instrument they're playing. That's why they're doing that. They could be playing nothing. I could be a snake charmer.

Do you think? Well, in theory. I could be anything in theory. I could see you doing it with your body. You're a very limber dude. I could see you just interpretive dancing for the snake. I'd be more snake than snake charmer. Yeah.

That's true. You would do it. This is you. Okay, tell me. This is you. Tell me who I am. You're on a street corner and you're like, I'm a snake charmer now. And so you've got a snake.

And I go, no, no, I do this. I go to the snake and go, all right, mate. To the snake. I'm a charmer. I'm charming snakes. But it can't hear you. We've been through this. So you're there presenting yourself on the street corner as a snake charmer

and you're using your body to do it. And I reckon it would be a beautiful thing to watch. And everyone would be looking at you, but not for the reason you thought. And it'd just be the wild movements you're kicking out and then they'll be like oh there's a snake there that's weird i think they're watching me because i'm doing snake charming yeah but they're watching me because i look deranged yeah well do you know i would i would forget again they can't hear so we'd be doing that and go all right mate uh and it would be all right you lost your damn mind in the middle of this watch too. No, it was sweet. I was all good. We were singing a song which had more than one verse

about the ghost of George Clooney haunting a bassoon. Clooney bassoon is a pretty tidy rhyme. It was so cool and weird. There was a lot of singing happening during our watch today. Do you know what the issue is now? We're right back in that spot of the podcast where all of the episodes are the B-sides and anything of vague interest or humour

takes place between us. In between, like, it's honestly... I feel like I regressed to a childlike state today. I felt three, where I was just loudly demanding the movie stop. I didn't have any... I felt I didn't have any control over what was happening. I told Tim he was my enemy. I said, there has to be an enemy

and it's you. I gave you a big cuddle and I said, I'm your pal, I'm your friend. We're in this together. And you said, stop crowding me. I misjudged what you needed in that moment. It just felt patronising. It was. But it was an attempt

at help as well. All of that to say, we watched the movie as loud as we've watched it as loud as we've watched any movie probably in living memory and still none of it made it in it was frankly it was a pretty disrespectful watch

I don't know what else you'd expect at this point although that being said and this is crazy to hit and watch number 45, this motherfucker found a continuity error. Big honking continuity error. And I could not be more stoked about it. I know, and this is on the scale of the two women and grown-ups too

who are walking through the Kmart at the same point at different moments in time. That is the level of continuity. And that was a continuity... Continuity? No. Okay. I'll say it. All right.

A continuity error that IMDB discovered before we did, but not this one. Oh, no. Tim Beck kicked in the door, waving the 4-4. He shot down anyone who was watching the movie before him and said, I'll find this.

Describe it for the good people. It's in Mexico, eh? Yeah. Yeah. It's in Mexico, eh? Yeah. Yeah. It's in Mexico. As all great continuity errors are. Trying to remember over whose shoulder it is. But it's when the four are having dinner in the restaurant

and there's a woman in a black and white dress. It's over Samantha because she's ordering more margaritas. You're right. It is. We see Samantha. We see behind her. We see a young woman with a black and white dress walk towards them

then we shoot around do some more dialogue then we come back to Samantha same woman starts again reset same position breaks the time

breaks the continuity yeah do you know and this happens every time but I really felt it now what is frustrating about these huge moments for us

like finding a continuity on the 45th watch they just don't mean as much to anyone else I don't need them to this was a huge moments for us, like finding a continuity on the 45th watch. Yeah. They just don't mean as much to anyone else. I don't need them to. This was a huge win for us. Yeah, it was pretty massive. It was massive.

It lifted our spirits for about as long as it was happening. Which is less than a second of movie. We've been so, I have been so impressed with the continuity in this film. The tomatoes get you every fucking time. It's all anyone talks about, these tomatoes. I mean, Mr. Big, week in, week out. He shows up and he chops these tomatoes in order, puts them in a bowl.

Even the sound design is on point with that. The familiarity he has with the layout of his kitchen is inspiring. Do you know, actually, I thought this week I'd turn my attention to Carrie husking corn. Oh, yeah? To try and catch her out? Yeah, to try and catch her out. See if she's husking corn differently week in, week out. Week one, she's doing a pretty good job husking that corn.

Okay. That's the report? Well, yeah, I mean, it's the first week, so it's going to be a pretty mild report. All right. But stay tuned for week two when she might not be husking the corn. I mean, chances are she's going to be husking the coin, but you just never know, do you? But you do. It depends where you're mentally because sometimes

you don't. Sometimes you are genuinely watching it thinking, do something different with your hands. Do something different with your hands. Do something different with your hands. Part of the disrespect we showed the watch, this watch, and I think this will probably happen now whenever Guy and I watch it together in the same physical space.

As we start re-soundtracking the movie. And that was a bit of fun. But you were chucking on very loud stuff. I was just trying to. Blasting me. Yeah, yeah. It was too loud. It was too.

What featured today? I Demanded the Start of Fortunate Son by CCR. Yeah. Like a child. Yeah, yeah. And you were really happy when that came on. That was actually quite scary. I don't think of that as childlike.

My petulance for it was childlike, not the song. It was not petulant. It was the neediness of an addict. Because we'd already played about three or four songs in a row, and I was like, no, we're being naughty. We'll stop. And Tim said, no, as I said, we need Fortunate Son by just the start we need

Fortunate Son by Credence Clearwood just the start guy and I said no Tim we're done he said no just the start and his eyes were getting bigger and he was getting scarier and I said no Tim and then I put on a different song just to antagonize him and I see this does not sound like John Fogarty to me yeah you see this this don't sound like no John Fogarty I ever heard of. I was playing Radiohead. And anyway, I mean, again, all of these, you guys, let's talk about something. Okay. Let's talk about anything.

Let's talk about, man, we've got to talk about something. Okay. We've got to do it. Ask me a fucking question. I don't know what you want me to do. This is such a weird position you've put us in now. This is very strange. Here's the question, Guy.

How much money would you give in your current situation to not watch the movie another time at all? I wouldn't give anything to do that. Really? No, I don't need to. We don't need to pay Like, I could just... We don't need to pay to break this contract. Oh, true.

It's a fucking insane question. That's weird. That didn't occur to me. Who's getting the money? You know. This deal doesn't exist between anyone but ourselves. That's not true anymore. There's a higher power we're answering to now.

I don't know, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Just because we don't know who's holding us accountable to this doesn't mean they don't exist. Well, the burden of proof falls on your shoulders, my friend. No, I can feel it. It's like faith, you know, sometimes in spirituality and religious religion. I honestly, I don't think any day is your high powers, any fucking curiosity as to what we're

doing. I think the people who have paid to be in this room barely have any curiosity as to what we're doing. I would imagine at this point, sometimes I do this when I watch a live show, someone will be talking and then they'll, we'll say something that will trigger their own independent thought in their head. And I'll just start thinking about that for a while.

You've fucking lost it, dude. I am making perfect sense. Do you know what I'm describing? I absolutely do. It's a weird thing to bring up on stage. Why? It's like hypnotising the audience. The opposite of hypnotising the audience.

It's giving them permission to just think their own thoughts. You paid $15 to come into a room you've got something in common with someone else in to just think your own thoughts. And paid $15 to come into a room, you've got something in common with someone else and to just think your own thoughts. And there's worse ways to spend $15. It costs $15 to rent this movie on iMovie. It's worse. That's worse. $15 to rent it.

$14.99 to buy it. Sorry, $4.99 to rent it. It's embarrassing. I tried to coax Guy into having us watch the director's commentary edition today because we got gifted the DVD

when we were in Melbourne and he said no no we'll save that for a rainy day and fuck I wish we'd ripped into it

yeah I just thought it would be a treat I honestly I've heard 30 seconds of it because I wanted to just like

check it was on there and everything and it's just Mattress Park looking by himself and I can already tell from the first 30 seconds of it that he will not stop talking like it's just Mattress Park looking by himself and I can already tell from the first 30 seconds of it

that he will not stop talking like it'll just be there won't be a breath in the whole film fuck I'm looking forward to it he directs his commentaries how he writes

alone totally alone without editing yeah just about this but there's no quality control on that

what's he doing now? Right now? Yeah. Whatever millionaires do, man. I don't know if he's... He's doing a lot better. Are you kidding me? Of course he's a fucking millionaire.

He's at the helm of part of the Sex and the City franchise and then two movies. These movies were box office smashes. Yeah, but it was a while ago. What, 10 years or something? Millionaires spend more money than the rest of us It's true They have more Yeah

So they spend more Exactly It's all comparative It's just math This is the trick, right? If you're a millionaire You've got to pretend like you aren't one Because if you're a millionaire

And you act like a millionaire You may as well just be fucking me You know? Well not me No, keep talking If you're a millionaire and you act like a millionaire, you might as well just be fucking me. You know? Well, not me. No, keep talking. If you're a millionaire and you act like a millionaire, you might as well be Tim Batt. Yeah, exactly.

Why? If you're a millionaire, you should act like you're Tim Batt. And then you'll be sweet forever. It's the millionaires. No, no, no. They've earned millions of dollars to specifically not have a lifestyle like Tim Bats. Oh, yeah.

Say, okay, we'll put it this way, like two Tim Bats rather than a hundred Tim Bats. Do you know what? You didn't push back on that at all. My theory is that millionaires earn their money, they see the way you live their life, and they become, in a panic frenzy, they earn millions of dollars so they don't become tim

bat so they just don't have to live that way me specifically or that general no you tim bat i'm doing all right i feel terrible right now but that's not that's not all the time all the millionaires in the world have seen your life and they thought not for me and then you're living inside of your life and you still don't have the self-awareness or wherewithal to be like, not for me either. Yeah. But you're doing an important job

because you're the baseline by which other people measure their lives and say, I'll keep going. I'll get out of bed today. Yeah. I think that's why it's important that we do two episodes. Like we're just pushing so much of ourselves out onto the internet to just like remind

everyone to not fuck out to make sure you don't become Tim Baird it's like important that we get what are these episodes at the moment

they're about 40 minutes so there's like over an hour every week just to remind everyone out there you need to go and sort your life out and earn millions of dollars

so you don't have to be this guy I agree with that in principle but I don't understand why I've been dragged along for the fucking ride. Well, because I can't do it by myself. Someone else had to sort of be like a sacrificial lamb.

Okay, I want from yesterday at 10am till today at 10am, I want a food diary from you, please. Oh man, you're gonna out me here because I have gone vegan, but I've been fucked out. I went to McDonaldcdonald's i got a big mac cannot describe how delicious it was it was so tasty so you had a big mac at 10 a.m

so yesterday 10 i probably i think i i i've been eating a shitload of fruit so probably like a banana and two apples and some toast. And then, oh, a bunch of bliss balls. You know those like, you know bliss balls? Cool. Like too many of them. And then, what I have? Oh, I had like a pasta thing, which was just very basic,

like tomato pasta sauce and spaghetti for dinner. basic like tomato pasta sauce and spaghetti for dinner. And then nothing for ages and quite a lot of booze. And then at two in the morning. Comedian's delight. And then at two in the morning I was, I reached for the Donalds. And then what about, it took before 10 a.m. this morning. Because you bought a meal on Jetstar, didn't you?

I didn't know I'd done it so I was super hungry because I almost missed my flight getting the last episode online I was at the airport furiously like uploading. My man, cool lifestyle bro I was sitting there like trying not to fall asleep at my laptop and then

forgot, I do this every time I keep forgetting you've got to go through airport security i fly a bit and every fucking time i forget that there's a security component to it i'm just like oh where's the gate in the airport i gotta get there huh and then you gotta go through security and i'm always bringing knives and stuff with me so it's it's a real to do you know yeah you do fly with knives with more regularity than anyone who's not planning on committing a crime. More than anyone.

Challenge anyone to take on my record for the amount of flying I've done with knives. You know, I was actually pretty impressed by that food diary, Tim. It's pretty healthy. So I ate that sandwich on the Jetstar flight. What was it? And it wasn't vegan.

It was weird, dude. Who would have thought? Yeah. Like, egg? Jets are famous usually for their cheap airfares and their hot cuisine. It was really confronting to get the meal as well. She rocked up.

I'm sitting next to two people. Normally, if you're on Jets, the whole point of going on a budget airline is to save money, right? So why would you buy anything but the cheapest ticket but apparently i fucking didn't i've i had paid for an air new zealand flight i will not use and then weirdly booked a like class up from the bottom on jetstar which included a meal and the meal is this weird sandwich thing which I think had egg. I hope it was egg because I don't know what that would be

if it wasn't an attempt at egg. And tuna. Just mayonnaise but with bits. Yes. So like just little solid bits in the mayonnaise. And they'd use different bread throughout. It was like a club sandwich but some of the bread was brown like rye

and then some of it was white. It was a fucking disaster. But I was so hungry I ate the whole thing up it's like going on school camp in what way guy the food tastes better

because you need to eat it yeah but then if you ate the food you have on school camp at home you'd think oh this food is not very good actually

yeah you're right so you'd probably eat some different food beautiful articulation of that feeling I hate Charlotte I hate everything about her I think she's the worst.

Tim was really mean to Charlotte at one point during the episode today because Miranda was asking advice from Charlotte. Wasn't that mean? Yeah, and you said, what a fucking idiot. Who asked for advice from Charlotte? What a loser.

It was the scene where, well, everything's blowing up and Carrie Bradshaw is beside herself. She's been jilted. Deserves everything she gets. That's harsh. No, it's not. She doesn't think of anyone but herself. She's been jilted. Deserves everything she gets. That's harsh. No, it's not. She doesn't think of anyone but herself.

Of course you can't maintain a relationship if you're only thinking of yourself. It doesn't make any sense. She's very hurt, though. Yeah. Deeply hurt. She hurts everyone around her. Constantly.

That's not entirely true. She doesn't... I don't think she hurts everyone around her. She just doesn't help at all. Whose life does Carrie Bradshaw make better? Well, you got me there. But I'm just saying, she's not... If you're a friend and you're investing time

in life with someone like Carrie Bradshaw, and then if any of them were to audit their friendship and be like, what has Carrie done to benefit me in the last 10 years? Carrie Social Deficit Bradshaw. Yeah. That's her full name. They'd say nothing.

But they can't extricate themselves from the friendship. I think maybe Carrie Bradshaw is the Tim Bat financially in her social group of friendship. Everyone can make themselves feel better about how good a friend they are by looking to Carrie Bradshaw. Yeah, but she's covered in honey. And so it's a sticky situation. So what happens is you become friends with carrie

bradshaw and you think this is a launching pad i'll learn what not to do i'll make better friends from this entry point but she she pulls you down yeah she pulls you down to her level because all of the people around here they're not brilliant either no but by comparison a person is the the people a person is only as good as the people around them. What's the saying? It's a proverb. A person is only as good as the people around them. That's right, yeah. I got it word for word. I don't know what the fuck saying you're trying to search for, actually.

No, the measure of a man is the people around them. But I made it gender neutral because I'm a fucking champion. All right. So what's your point? That Carrie Bradshaw is shit? Carrie Bradshaw is a fucking social leech. She's a parasite. She lives on other people.

She pulls everyone down. She sucks blood by night. Love that for her. I don't know, man. I don't know about her. It was that scene, yeah. So Miranda's going, should I tell Carrie that I accidentally told Big

they shouldn't get married and may have tanked this whole operation? And Charlotte's like, no, no, no, don't tell her now. Don't tell her. Find another time. Who listens to Charlotte? No one. Charlotte's not. Charlotte's, yeah.

She's not smart like the rest of them. The rest of them aren't that smart. They're smarter than Charlotte, though. Charlotte's, yeah. She's not smart like the rest of them. The rest of them aren't that smart. They're smarter than Charlotte, though. Miranda's book smart. Samantha knows what she wants. And Carrie is actually so deficient in empathy that she becomes somewhat intelligent, the way a sociopath is.

A sociopath can do whatever they want. Here's my question about Carrie Bradshaw. Is she like a fully self-actualised person where everyone else's opinion of her is water off a duck, so she's just out there for her? Or like the opposite? Is she so hyper underdeveloped as a human being that it's like the same result,

but it's because she has no empathy? I think it's the first one. I think it's water off a duck's back. She's been to so much therapy in New York City that she's like impervious to other people's emotions

and criticisms. It's how she's tanking out these fucking awful books and just confidently going, yeah, another brilliant novel by me.

She starts a chapter in this movie we see it with then Charlotte said. That is the beginning starts a chapter in this movie we see it with then Charlotte said. That is the beginning of a chapter. Because you want to enter the story on an action point. And in Carrie's life all of the action is her friends talking about

things that have already happened. And so then Charlotte said is actually quite a gripping intro. At the end of the book she's reading we've fucking talked about it before but she's reading from her new book. And, like, we do not see her do any writing. The only words, she writes five words in this movie. We see her write Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha.

And she also writes the word love. And so at some point she's booked in a speaking engagement to read for her new book. And she is making it up off the top of her head. It's so bad. It doesn't make any sense. Saying, you know, we're so excited to get married, sometimes we forget about the rules or words to that effect. It really shits me. She's got an audience.

It's a bit like what we're doing. Oh, no. You either die the Samantha or live long enough to become the Carrie Bradshaw, don't you? That's good. Did you have a shining light in the watch? No, I didn't. Oh, true. I didn't watch it enough to get a shining light out of it.

I'm going to be honest, I was getting angry and then I'd put my jacket over my head and I wouldn't look at anyone. There was a guy I really enjoyed. He was definitely my shining light. It was an extra I haven't paid attention to before. He was over Kerry's shoulder. Couldn't even tell you what scene now. go on i'm trying try harder

i know when it is it's at the very end when they're in denny's for the wedding this is and i don't know if you guys have figured this out as listeners but this is a classic move if you're hosting the podcast you don't have a light. There's about five minutes left in the movie, and you're like, well, I'd better pay attention, and I'll just find one thing, and I'll say that. There's a cool guy in the back. He's doing a good job. He gets quite a lot of screen time.

He gets quite a lot of... He gets a surprising amount of screen time where he's, like, perfectly in the middle of the shot. If you just, like, look to the centre of the frame, it's him doing a very convincing job of mime-talking to the people that he's with. And then later, we return to him and he's eating something.

Very convincing performance. I'm sold. Shining light. He's a legend. We were also back on the hunt on the green slash blue shirt brigade. Yeah. After Tim's big discovery in an episode

that you haven't heard yet because it was only uploaded today. Oh, true. Oh, yeah. But no, there's a lot of green and turquoise shirts flying around the Mexican restaurant. And we both made independent discoveries one week after each other. But this week we discovered there's two variants of turquoise shirts,

three short-sleeved green shirts, amongst probably the seven male extras. And I don't know if this is the fashion at the time or if this is how people holiday in Mexico but it's very confusing because all the fellas look really similar to each other so it just seems insane I mean if I was on set I would have said I would have said something there's probably too many green shirts here

it's not a problem now sure it does suggest that something very bizarre is going on like people are running around. It's sort of like musical chairs. When the camera hits you, you've got to stop. It's like, is it candlestick? Is that that game?

Candlesticks where you run around and you stop. Someone runs through your legs. Have I had a stroke? Is this a real game that anyone's familiar with? Candlesticks, right? That's a thing. It's like that. They're all running around this Mexican restaurant.

And if someone looks at you, you've got to stop and act natural. You're just like, oh. But they're also switching their shirts and shit. Mattress Pikelet directs differently in Mexico. It's chaos theory. He said, if you're not on camera, I want you running around as much as you can. But if you're fucking moving when a camera gets on you,

you're offset immediately. I love Mattress Pikelet King. He's so odd. I've seen him talk now. I've seen him talk in interviews. He's so intense. He doesn't have a lot to say, and I know that's throwing some fucking rocks

out of a glass house. But he's so impassioned with delivering nothing. He's got what I would describe as one of the most severe faces I've ever seen. It's so, how would you describe it? It's quite bizarre. I don't remember it.

I remember, I feel like- It's not ugly, per se. It's like artful. It's like he's got a weird, artful face. It's very strong. It's got a real like- We've never got- Ouvre. It's got a real like oeuvre. It's got a real oeuvre.

Is that the word I'm looking for? An oeuvre is like someone's body of work. It's within my oeuvre. Is that right? Oeuvre is body of work? Yeah. I got a nod from one audience member. That's enough. I assume that they're all very intelligent. Certainly smarter than you or I.

How do you think the rest of this season is going to go, Monty? It's going to get worse again. It's going to get worse than this. It's going to get worse twice, and then it will get better for a little bit, and we'll probably go out. I'd say the best episode is in four episodes' time, and then it's all falling action from there.

Okay. But I think we've got to fix our discipline. I really do. We've got to go back to it. We've got to remember how we used to watch these movies. Yeah. We've got to go, I reckon, next watch. I reckon we should do VR.

I've said this before. I'll say it again. We don't have the technology. I think it exists. I mean, it's a great idea. I reckon we should watch one on a boat. That's quite good. We don't have a boat either.

It's not a serious theory. It's proving my point point I really went for that I think it's going to be fine I don't know what people want from us anymore The only value left in it I've said it before, I'll say it again It's just how much we'll unspool I'm really unhappy watching this movie

Can I throw an offer out For the next five minutes, can we attempt to review the film? Yeah. Because I don't think we've done it for ages. Sex in the City is a movie that follows the story of the beloved characters from the HBO television show as they navigate life in

their 40s and what happens after finding love in New York City. We have... You're giving me a synopsis. I want a review. Reviews start with synopses. Okay.

I will allow it. Yeah, you will. Carrie Bradshaw finally arrives at the supposed day of her dreams in marrying Big, and her friends are in attendance, who are essentially reduced to pawns in the life of Carrie Bradshaw in this film. Friends are in attendance, who are essentially reduced to pawns in the life of Carrie Bradshaw in this film.

Mattress Pikelet King has probably satisfied some fans of the series by creating a two-and-a-half-hour behemoth, but what the movie has in running time, it lacks in purpose or pace. We meander through two-and-a-half hours of rich women complaining about their lives and things they've done to one another in a variety of restaurants while they all order subpar meals because they've got no fucking taste. And it's very difficult by the end of the movie to generate any sense of sympathy for anyone.

Everyone's lives remain virtually identical by the conclusion of the film. They've just made us watch them wallow in their illustrious self-pity for two and a half hours. One star. One. Absolutely crushing.

That was a brilliant review, though. Have a crack. It's quite fun. Sounded like Mark Kermode. I watched Sex and the City today. As someone who's older than five. Dude, you review how you want to review. I'm going in a more like gonzo sort of. Dude, you review how you want to review.

I'm going in a more like gonzo sort of a fashion, you know? Gonzo doesn't mean idiotic. No, sorry, you go. I'm being so mean. I'm fucking furious. Yeah, you are. It's all right. I understand.

I watched Sex and the City, the movie, today. It is not a good movie. I see what you're doing. It's a very different reviewing style. That might be it. No. Let me have another run at it. My parents taught me that if you don't have something nice to say,

don't say anything at all. End. No, let me take another run at it. No, I'll pick up where you, I'll pick up and then you can take it back over. No, let me take another run at it. I'll pick up and then you can take it back over. I want to have one more run at it. Okay, go for it. Okay. I would like to outline the positive features of Sex and the City, the movie.

Everything is in focus in this film. No mean feat. When you have a movie of two hours and 40-ish minutes to make sure every shot in there is in crisp focus. I can see everyone?

That's it. You did three reviews. I'm going to do them back for you. I watched Sex and the City, the movie today. It was not good. My parents told me, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Everything's in focus. Three reviews.

You struck out. Yeah. You said, my parents, you know what, I thought you were going to flip that saying on its head. You said, my parents told me, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And for 31 years, I've abided this principle. Oh, that's so much better. You should be reviewing this film, not me. I did. I did a bang-up job.

I'll do another one. You really did. Yeah, go on. Sex and the City, the movie, is a two-and-a-half-hour romp through the lives of beloved HBO characters Carrie Bradshaw, Miranda Hobbs, Samantha Jones, and Charlotte York. The four girls are reunited in illustrious Manhattan as their lives jump from moment to moment.

We enjoy the grandeur of a large-scale wedding between Carrie and Big, only for once again Mr. Big to break her heart, that dastardly dog. Carrie finds herself in Mexico thanks to the power of friendship between woman and that the four returned to new york city with a new zest for life carrie imagines jennifer hudson in her head and what is a pretty troubling sequence she dons black face and voice for about 40 minutes towards the end of the movie and such as her inherent racism refuses to introduce the character to anyone else in the Sex and the City universe. At the end of her mental breakdown,

she runs into Big in a walk-in wardrobe in a penthouse where there was once a shared drop, there is now a plush carpet. They lie down, they fuck, they both get carpet stains on their knees, and then they get married at City Hall. I'm sad. The end. This is brilliant. You're very good at this.

I want to be Carrie Bradshaw and I want you to be Samantha Jones and I want you to tell me that we're not friends anymore. Hey, Samantha. It's nice to see you. It's great that we can catch up like this. Carrie, we're not friends. Before you start, I'm just nice to see you. It's great that we can catch up like this. Carrie, we're not friends. Before you start, I'm just going to talk about myself a little bit. So this morning, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing, and I wondered to myself,

are all pedestrians just crossing, or are some standing? Sorry, you were going to say something. Carrie, we need to- Oh, hi, thanks for coming over here, wait staff. I don't have any respect for you, as you were. Samantha, I get it. You love to fuck, but can we talk about me for one hot second? I'm sad. Mr. Big doesn't know how to love me like I need to be loved. Insane. This is

devastating. Even like being in the scene with you, it hurts, you know. What an effective tactic to hold on to your friends. Just steamroll them every time they try to break up with you. I'm Charlotte York, you're Miranda Hobbs and you're asking

me for advice. Do you think I should tell Carrie about the thing that I did? Ah! How big do you think Mr Big's dick is? For those listening, Guy has indicated with his hands, conservatively, a metre. It ain't all of that. Your boy G-Mon's got a donkey dick.

It's right down at my ankle. You're not talking about your genitals. I know, I was implying my penis is longer than a metre. Okay. Never had an erection in my life, though. Congrats. Not enough blood. I see.

I got an extraordinary dick and an ordinary amount of blood. Life is hell for me. We're in a good zone now though Very rarely do I hit this zone This is what it felt like to be seven Before I understood that words have consequences Samantha is 50 years old At the end of this film How many sexual partners do you think she's had in her life?

150 One for every year of her life? 150. One for every year of her life. Way north of... You do the math. Mr. Big at one point, when Carrie comes home after she says that Mr. Big jizzes all over the curtains with his donkey dick, she comes home

and he's dragging his turgid cock around the balcony. He's smacking candles off the balcony. They're falling off. People's wigs are getting on fire and he's going, and she comes in and he goes, I love you. And he licks her from her navel all

the way up. He licks her all between her breasts all the way up to her mouth and then kisses her. Half of that story is true. It's pretty wild. We haven't noticed how much tongue gets out of his mouth on screen. But you were like, hold on, can we rewind the tape on that today? And we looked and, oh.

His tongue is everywhere. His tongue is everywhere. It's fucking disrespectful. It's a miracle that Chris Noth didn't get, you know, done for harassment. It's amazing Matthew Broderick didn't turn up as BMW. It's incredible that Matthew Broderick walks free amongst us today.

And that is all I'll say on the matter. You don't want to bring it up, don't say his name. You're absolutely right about that. I'd like to say this. You can't get away without a shining light at all, though. Okay, I'll do a shining light. I loved it when Mr. Big licked Carrie's navel from her belly button to her fucking mouth.

I thought it was disgusting and bold. I honestly cannot imagine being so... I mean, it's a testament to Chris Knoth's confidence as an actor. Yeah. He would have had to ask for permission before doing that, or he could have sprung it on SJP, but either way, it is just too much. It is too much. Yeah. He would have had to ask for permission before doing that or he could have sprung it on SJP. But either way,

it is just too much. It is too much. Yeah, it's horrible. Even in a porno, you wouldn't see that much tongue. It is rank. Yeah. Healthy tongue though.

My tongue sometimes is a little bit white. It's really gross. But his tongue is pink as a baby's bottom. That might be a makeup job though. He might have a tongue like yours. Maybe there was a whole budget to make sure that Chris Knoth's tongue looked like normal and sexy.

He wrote it in his contract. He said, hey, I need someone to be doing VFX on my tongue. Yeah. I said, it's really not that important because we're not going to be

seeing a lot of your tongue. He said, we're going to be seeing a lot of my tongue. Well, sorry, require a butt double. There's no scene. Yeah,

I've been doing some rewrites actually who knows how much tongue and ass is on the cutting room floor there's one there's tongue that's the interesting thing about Mr. Big

his tongue twice as long as his donkey dick there is a scene where he fillates his own asshole for 45 minutes and I think we'll end

the episode there because we've got a special treat for our live audience today truly that certainly wasn't it I've looked at your watch we've been talking for treat for our live audience today. Truly. That certainly wasn't it. I've looked at your watch. We've been talking

for 45 minutes which is exactly how long we're allowed to talk because and is this going to are we going to wrap up the live episode now and then talk to this?

Yeah. Thank you so much for listening everybody. Stay tuned next week when we watch Sex and the City the movie. And please remember as well

that if you're in America or in Chicago, New York or Los Angeles And this live show sounds like something you want to get involved with or Portland, Oregon go to

littleempirepodcast.com slash live and grab some tickies yep but honestly like I am let me take this opportunity to say on the record

on the mic I do apologise a little bit for my state you're cool man I'm not at my best you've been so relaxed you've had your legs up this entire episode. I'm trying to stay awake.

For anyone who didn't figure that out from listening, Tim has had his feet up for 45 minutes. What is gross is I've got a cold now. I had two hours sleep last night. And I've got this weird reflex where I'll grab the microphone to sniff. So I'll amplify the sound of sniffing. How fucked is that? Do you know this,

this is how I know the podcast is having a negative impact on you. Cause when we started, we had worse equipment obviously, but you were so, so strict about mic technique and noises on and off mic. And then now you have like unfurled to the point that you are strict as mine. You're sabotaging yourself. Yeah. I think you could be be right I'd like to say thank you for listening I'd like to say stop listening now We just have a good rhythm together He sort of feels me out, I feel him out And we go for it