The Worst Idea Of All Time - 45: Long Live Emmanuelle

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

"To understand how far we have come, we must look back to where we started." - the Frosty Fellas, 2021. Tim and Guy are putting a feather in their pornographic cap as they conclude a year (or so)'s worth of softcore pornography by revisiting where it all began; The 1974, French sensation starring Sylvia Kristel. Emmanuelle is a movie that is tethered to the later iterations and interpretations of the franchise by its name alone - Tim loves it! Further, the boiz are in a mood for reflection. Using the journey of the franchise as an allegory to discuss the state of modern cinema, they even find time to highlight the great Rick Moranis. Mr Lazenby stops by one more time to talk about his new hobby and the Boner Inspector comes for his final visit... But will he find what he has been looking for all this time?GUY'S SPECIAL ON BANDCAMP DEATHBLART: (tilldeathdousblart.com)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime) VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com) MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight) ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Guy, baby, we've done it. Yeah, man. That's all the Emanuels we're going to watch. We just watched the first one again to bookend it. I feel so good. Pretty dedicated from us to go back for a little bit more medicine. I guess not entirely out of keeping with previous seasons, but it was a beautiful and intriguing bookend to the season.

And also it almost risks in my eyes, elevating the entire experience into something beyond a huge and infuriating waste of time and, dare I say, becomes art? Oh, no. Are we jeopardizing the core tenant of this podcast that it is a huge waste of everybody's time, mostly our own? I'm afraid we might be.

Nothing will reclaim the hours I spent not masturbating or enjoying myself while I watched these pornos. That's true. But to be fair, you also didn't masturbate while watching the other films, Grown Ups 2, Sex and the City 2, Sex and the City 1, and We Are Your Friends. That's not really for you to say, Tim. I was with you for, I would say, three quarters of the watches. That's right. And even on some of those watches, you'd nip off to the bathroom, et cetera, et cetera.

No, no, no. Let's not brush past it. You would- I'd masturbate in your bathroom breaks, yes. To completion? Always. It frustrates me that you wouldn't excuse yourself to the bathroom and masturbate in there, rather than wait for me to go-

I'm not a monster. I'm not grotesque. Well, you kind of are, because that means you're masturbate in there rather than wait for me to go i'm not grotesque well you can't well you kind of are because that means you're masturbating in what like my lounge or yeah which which seems infinitely more ghastly oh come on tim it's either that and i do it in secret and tell you later or i look like i'm taking a lot of bathroom breaks i'm not going to embarrass myself like that. You've got me there. Yeah, that's a good point. But in doing this, in returning to the 1974 feature film

directed by Just Jackin that started this entire journey, we've traveled through time, genre. We've sort of watched the various different mutations. Do you know what we've traveled through more than anything, though? Production values. Yeah. There wasn't a visible green screen here that hadn't been keyed in. I didn't see any light stands.

There weren't people who were like visibly forgetting their lines and just sort of making something up on the fly. is exactly the thing i'm sort of getting it it's like it's incredible what a movie this was oh yeah and it's incredible to like to see you know through all the permutations it's incredible to see if you take out all of the stuff stuffing all the connective tissue from the middle and you just think of emmanuel's chocolate factory versus emmanuel 1974 yeah what is there to tell you or anyone that these properties are linked uh i've got my hand in the air mr montgomery's tim go ahead the name emmanuel that's right Undeniable Two M's, two L's That is it That's literally it

Well, and the loose concept of, I guess, being naked in a movie Yeah, yeah That's pretty much it Yeah Yeah, I mean, the nudity You take the nudity as red But it's just like What's interesting as well. I'm kind of satisfying is that it is a pretty linear decline across the years.

So like this is without question, the high watermark. And then, uh, the George Lazenby ones on a plane recounting with the different people. Those are like a lot worse. I mean, we enjoyed emmanuel in space but i think for kind of different reasons it was one of those things where it was like

this is funny but you're not trying to be funny you just yeah you know but i know those honestly those were um like an a turning point for the series and almost an inflection point where it stopped being like, those were fun. Yeah. And those were actually, I would say, almost what the prompt was for the season, which is those are the movies we sort of remembered watching.

And they were a great blend of like sort of self-referential, comedic tones, still some eroticism um and like a semblance of a plot like it was far-fetched but every movie kind of made sense unto itself and it sort of began to unravel after that and i but those like those made sense to me to an extent. It's just like I find it really satisfying that we've bookended the series with this film. And it's interesting to consider all of the ones that we've collected along the way. Yes.

Guy, much like Mario, we are collectors, but we collect experiences. That's right. And I'm just trying to get up the film series. You are trying to get it up, aren't you? Very fitting. I would describe this movie, if it weren't for, there's like two scenes which I think showcase the fact that this is a French film made in 1974

that really pushed the boundaries. Were it not for those two quite dicey scenes, I would highly recommend anyone to watch this. It's just a really good movie. Yeah. You know? I've got them here now. I'm inclined to agree.

It's also... There's something so guy montgomery about the start as well when i first put it on there's something about her and her little french kitchen preparing your toast with this sliced apple and your tea with the water that's boiling in a pot on the stove and then transferring it over to the tray and then walking over to the white leather couches to this kind of luxuriate in the sitting room with these lush green house plants everywhere it felt very guy montgomery to me like this was sort of you and your ultimate form i think is emmanuel and then and then to sit down and look

through very tasteful nude photography of yourself i was like i can see can see in the best version of how things pan out for Guy, this is it. This is a version of it. There's no denying to him that is high praise and aspirational stuff. It's very tasteful and it's adult, not just in the fact that it's a softcore, like a skin flick, but also like the themes, I guess, or there's no real story dropped in. There's no sci-fi element.

There's no like really intense movie. There's no sexual energy generator that propels the crew through a wormhole on a blimp in this one. Emmanuel, this sort of woman who's interested in sex and sexuality and exploring that within herself, travels to Thailand to stay at the embassy

with her husband. I think she's in Bangkok, though. Bangkok isn't Thailand. Oh, my bad. That's right. I've been there. And they have this sort of open... Is it an open marriage? Well it this is see this is a beautiful

thing so what you find out about emmanuel is that um she was a virgin until she met her husband her husband's a little bit older than her the dude reads as like the most suave 45 year old freshman you've ever seen and then he drops the line that he's 32 and you're like oh fucking hell i found it yeah i mean i found it incredibly confronting to be older than that guy. Yeah, which we definitely mentioned in the first go round of this as well. And how could you not? It really resonates how badly you're doing in life when you see this motherfucker traipsing around in his,

I think it's an E-type Jag or something, around the streets of Thailand. But he's got this, so he, it seemed very kind of like aristocratic that it was friends of parents brought together at a house party in France and then he sort of caught her eye and then he deflowered her, as they put it, in his car a couple of weeks later and they got married.

And then, so it's like she's been she she is sort of presented as this she's a young adult but in a very childlike way in the first bit of the movie she's always wearing like pristine white dresses she's very delicate she's very there's all these scenes and situations where she's scared all the time in the first half of the movie like they go to a marketplace and he goes out to buy, like, I don't know, some food or something, and she gets overwhelmed by all the kids trying to sell her flowers and someone draining the blood out of a chicken.

Yeah, yeah. She seems like she may have been coddled in her beautiful French sunroom. And she even gets freaked out by, like, the bitches at the pool, you know? Yeah, yeah. The pool bitches. The wives of the other um europeans the actual plot is it's all just there's no real story beats it's all just like she i'm trying to learn about myself and i'm trying to figure out who i want to fuck and how i want to fuck them

i wouldn't say that though i reckon they're i just think that the plot is about her it's it's like so it's not about um this isn't the avengers you know what i mean this isn't about like external forces driving a story through it's about this development of this woman and her kind of suspecting at the start of the film that there's more to life and then sort of pursue it's like the matrix man she's like man there's something else out there and she's sort of been searching for it in the same way that neo is sort of looking for morpheus but isn't quite sure even what he's looking for so i guess in this analogy morpheus is ultimately mario who's like this 70 year old impeccably dressed i don't know what he does for

a job but i guess he's another ambassador who's a European sex guru who lives in Thailand and all of the women get funneled to Mario to learn about how to fuck good He's described I think as a scientist of eroticism Yeah, he definitely would not get vaccinated No, no He would consider it a full on affront to his personhood yeah and he yeah like but all of that is all of it is it's still conceptual like it's all about personal development whereas and it's interesting as well it's all about emmanuel and then as the franchise goes on

through the years all of a sudden they feel like they either run out of um ideas or puff to actually concentrate the stories around emmanuel and her exploration of sexuality and they just use her as a as an access point to like you know to explore the sexuality of everyone around her and she's a facilitator of other people i think trying to reinvent the world the wheel 46 times by re-exploring a specific character's sexuality and mores and opening up would be an exercise in futility. Although a really intense creative problem to try and solve every movie. Well, can I ask you, what do you think just Jaqen and Sylvia Christel would make of,

say, the Emmanuel Through Time series? Where Emmanuel's gotten to, where she's on this double dildo blimp with a sex generator and her own Emmanuel.tv station or website? Honestly, I think I'm glad that she wasn't alive to see it. I'm pretty sure she died before that series started. But she was alive for Emmanuel in it. I'm pretty sure she died before that series started, but she was alive for, um, Emmanuel in space. I'm pretty sure.

Cause that was like really late nineties, maybe early two thousands, mid two thousands. Um, I know, I think she'd be horrified. I don't, I kind of got the feeling that Sylvia Cristal,

I mean, cause we read, we did an episode where we did a little digging and she, I think wrote a memoir and she said that she that it kind of ruined certain aspects of her life. So I don't think she was totally attached and enamored with the creative property and franchise of Emmanuelle. So I think she probably wasn't that connected. But to compare like this movie with 95% of all the other ones we've seen is like so fucked. Yeah.

It's really... This is a really good movie. Like I enjoyed watching it. It's just kind of, it's just beautiful and tasteful. It is. And the writing is incredible as well. Like I wrote down a bunch of these lines. Oh, this one just cracked me up.

Is it true you never cheated on your husband i said i never cheated on him in paris yeah that was good because she did cheat on him twice on an airplane like but was this is emmanuel sorry just so everyone's caught up who hasn't seen the movie for the second time uh recently um who's she talking to at that point it's one of the pool bitches uh pool bitches is she talking to the young woman the lollipop one yeah that plane scene by the way

it's told in flashback but basically Emmanuel's husband kind of gets to have sex with who he wants while he's at the embassy in Thailand and there's an implied openness to their relationship where he's like and you get to do it, you want to. And that applies all the way up until she actually starts doing that. And then he's like, oh, I don't know about all this.

But the plane ride over, she's sitting there and there's a guy she likes to look up and he likes to look at her and they sort of, it's actually quite an erotic scene. And they start having sex on the plane maybe under a blanket i can't remember it's not really under a blanket just together she gets a blanket so that she can kind of reveal her side to him and they're sort of like um they're going at it and that's in and of itself in a porno it's a functional scene but then there's this guy in the background of shot who sees what's happening and we see him seeing what happened what's happening and then there's this guy in the background of shot who sees what's happening and we see him seeing what happened,

what's happening. And then there's this like incredibly, what I would say is probably now been reappropriated as like a comedy zoom, um, like this incredible crash zoom in on his face when he sees what's happening and wants a slice of the action. It's like a, it's like a camera technique that's used a lot in succession and,

uh, sort of all of Armando Iannucci shows and and stuff yeah i feel like maybe adam mckay uses this sort of thing as well it's like a cool yeah i don't know i can't even remember what movie is in my head right now but like brad pitt's wearing glasses and he's in the bed oh actually i think it's oceans 11 um so that's a uh yeah sudden big film but it's just kind of like yeah not enough zooms and movies today everyone got too scared of using them because i think some really good comedy movies grab grabbed hold of it and we're like hey this is fucking fun and everyone's too scared to use it i don't know if it's a comedy bring them back

i don't know if it's a comedy beat in the movie, but it reads as such because of the time when we were watching this film. And I just loved that Zoom. I loved that scene and I loved that Zoom so much. I was like, yeah, this guy is going to get it. So what happens next, Monty? Well, once Emmanuel finishes with Plane Passenger 1, the guy comes over and picks her up. Scoops her up in his arms.

And they walk to the bathroom and then they have sex there. And those are the two times she cheated on her husband. It's a real TARDIS situation as well because you see the door to that bathroom on the airplane. You're like, this doesn't look big enough to fit two people and a camera crew. But then suddenly we're inside it and it's a regular ass sized bathroom. That's right. Luckily for us, because we need to watch two people have sex. Wow, they're flying first class.

You've got to assume you're part of the embassy, the French embassy. You're going to be flying first class. Great use of magazines in this movie. There's a shot of, so there's one of the, I shouldn't call them pool bitches. That does definitely sound offensive now that I've said it for the seventh time. The woman by the pool.

Harpies. One of them is this young girl who's always sucking on a lollipop because it turns old men on by her admission. And she comes around to Emmanuel's house to have a chat to her and then masturbate in front of her. And she's doing so. She's really like forward and she's really horny for Emmanuel.

Yes, guy. Yeah, for someone who she's met once and then turns up at her house and is like, hey, how you doing? I'm just going to have a quick masturbate. She turns up at her house and Emmanuel like, hey, how you doing? I'm just going to have a quick masturbate. She turns up at her house and Emmanuel's sleeping and she's like, okay, well, first of all, I want to check that out. And then Emmanuel doesn't take issue with it

and they go out and then she's like, hey, Emmanuel, you got any photos of you and your husband doing it? Yeah, that's right. Emmanuel's like, no. And then she's like, okay, well, I'll just masturbate to this magazine then yeah and then there's this great shot of this like handsome rich clean cut polo shirt wearing

45 year old dude and it's just resting on her knee pointing at her crotch and he's just got this big toothy smile like looking into her crotch while she masturbates. Yeah. It's a great shot. And then the other Meg Xenius is when Jean, who's Emmanuel's husband, goes. So one of the other Paul women is this older woman who is just relentlessly hitting on Emmanuel the entire movie. And when Emmanuel finally takes up Jean's offer to go and be a free spirit, she falls in love with an archaeologist called B. And so they fuck off and go horseback riding and fuck in the wilderness.

It's great. Jean loses his goddamn mind and starts door knocking to go and find out where she's gone. Goes to the older woman's house to find out Emmanuel's whereabouts. And they end up fucking by the way john and the older woman and there's a me there's a magazine open on the table while they're he's just absolutely railing her that's just open with a page saying help is on its way just like pointed completely at the camera and it's like there's such a cool i don't know just

these little things that you forget you're allowed to do in movies, like zoom in on someone or just really explicitly have these funny kind of, you know, visual gags by opening magazine pages up. It's just such a soft and tasteful touch all through this movie compared to the sort of like green screen hammer that is taken to us in the franchises as time marches on it's really um and so i'm interested i'd love like to analyze the sex scenes through the through the years with you tim these are all sort of like i suppose a lot of the eroticism in these scenes is rooted in the established attraction of the characters to each other whereas like as the as as the franchise continues into the almost present day and porn in general all of them it's like we know you don't care about how these people know each other but they're both attractive and we will make them have sex for you i would venture to say that much like real life the secret is you have a bit of foreplay in there you know you got to set some stuff up you've got to

have context light a few candles put some barry white on you know set the tone and this movie does a great job of just by virtue of being a well-made film setting the tone and like the writing is so good like i wrote down a a bunch of the lines. Why don't you share some of your favorites with us, Tim? It was so refreshing coming from these other movies to be like, oh, this is actual, this is cinema. Okay, so here's one. So Emmanuelle, when she's crying to Jean. So she's gone out and had this tryst with Bea.

And Bea, they've made love, but then Bea's like, I don't love you. I'm not in love with you. And Emmanuel is very in love with Bea. And Bea is leaving the next day as well to go back home. How do you feel about the way Bea handles herself and all that? I think it's kind of cool. It's quite hurtful.

It's not very good for Emmanuel. I feel like she's up front. it's not very good for emmanuel but i feel like she's she's up front she's honest yeah yeah she is she's she sort of spurs um emmanuel a few times yeah and then she's like ah you want to jump in the jeep fucking whatever go for it come come check out my um gravel pit check out my gravel pit because she's an archaeologist yeah um and then so she says uh emmanuel then returns home and john finds her eventually just crying in a puddle and he says it's much better this way oh so she says that i can't play the game of being an adult like it's just it's beyond her capabilities and john says it's much better this way it would only hurt you

traditional couples only experience power struggles passionate love is not for us it's just beyond her capabilities. And Jean says, it's much better this way. It would only hurt you. Traditional couples only experience power struggles. Passionate love is not for us. It's too sad and humiliating. Forget this woman. You must go and get revenge in the arms of someone else. It's the only answer. Pretty, you know, after Jean's behavior when Emmanuel doesn't come home one night, you got to hand it to him.

Pretty open-minded response to the situation at hand he freaked out because i think he was threatened that maybe she was in the arms of another fella but then when he found out that it was a woman he's like you gotta get back on that horse find another sheila yeah men are so funny like that aren't they a woman could never be more attracted to a woman than me a man here's another great line guy i think this is the older woman saying it to emmanuel um when she gets very like frustrated emmanuel's constant kind of titillation but not going through with stuff and just being annoying and she says you're like you're going through life like a baby waiting for her first cold

yeah that's great you like that yeah i did do you feel that's applicable in your own life uh no i don't think so but i can i can i i know people who that applies to you know people who are just waiting for something bad to happen so they can be like oh god and now this other thing yeah it's like well yeah if you're fucking waiting for the bad thing to happen it probably will i love that it's sort of um it's also there's a touch of hamlet about it isn't there yeah hamlet hamlet was uh plagued by indecision and then life makes decisions for you you've got to be an active participant in your own life i mean the lessons we're taking away from this movie are honestly i'm saying inspiring right there's there's a there's a lot

to get out of it oh okay no this this i think hands down is my favorite and really speaks to you know if i can return to seventh form english the themes of this movie shit yeah dude um so this is when it is suggested to emmanuel that she needs to go and hang out with fuck boy mario fuck boy it's your number one fuck boy fuck master mario grandmaster fuck she's not she's not taking it as seriously as she needs to and so the older woman when they're um in the changing room of the squash court, and she's like, you need to go hang out with Mario. She's like, I don't know. What even is the deal with this Mario?

I can't remember what Emmanuel says, but she's disparaging about it. And then the older woman grabs her by her chin so she'll pay attention. And she says, when you are are young you make love naturally but at mario's age it's poetry it's something you want something you think of and decide that is eroticism i actually really liked that quote as well it's fucking good it's really good i mean he does end up taking you to an opium den um but you know the idea and the flowery language is very enjoyable mario's into some pretty heavy stuff yeah they go on a date and there's um three locations in the day and as anyone who listens to good serial killer podcasts no never follow the person to the second location

because the first one is dinner which is great but then the second one is an opium den and the third one is um an illegal boxing cockfight yeah and that but that's like to to uh both mario and emmanuel's credit that's when she like has a breakthrough he's like there are two people here the winner will have sex with you and she's like okay and he's like which one you. And she's like, okay. And he's like, which one do you like? She's like, I like that guy. And then he wins, presumably spurred on a little bit by her desire. And she's so overwhelmed that he wins that she starts like, does she lick the blood off his? She sure does.

Yeah. He's got an open cut on the side of his head. She gives that little lick. It's kind of gross, but I guess kind of horny. In context, I think that's about the 80th minute of a 90-minute film. I think they've earned it by that stage. They've done enough work. What do you think about the line, Tim?

I wrote it down, which is Mario's advice during the date, and it becomes a bit of a refrain. It is almost a central question that's asked in this film the couple should be outlawed and a third per and a third person introduced by force so it's initially it's a line but then later on it's repeated like ad infinitum what do you make of that? I think like I would be willing to listen to an argument about the first

bit of the prospect of the couple should be outlawed it's like okay I get that some people think that monogamy is not something that humans are supposed to engage in or it's limiting or something like that but for a third person to be introduced by force doesn't sound too tenable to me.

It does feel like two separate arguments that he's sort of like, he's just put the trailer on the first one where he's like, okay, here's one thing about couples. And you go, okay. And then while he has your ear, he's like, and also, don't you reckon a third person should be forced in there? Roast chicken is awesome and so is slavery. It's like, hold also, don't you reckon a third person should be forced in there? Roast chicken is awesome, and so is slavery. It's like, hold on, hold on.

You can't run those two things together. You can't lure me in with roast chicken and then make me party to your, I don't know, your outrage. Your terrible ideas. I, yeah, I sort of like, that's what I mean when I think this is an adult movie. It deals with adult themes. I don't think it's perfect, but like if we're not in sex scenes, we're sort of in between the build up to sex scenes.

And the stuff that they're talking about is all about like the character's relationship to sexuality and how they relate to each other. And it's kind of, um, I guess it's just a, it's a, it's a refresher on where the franchise started. And it's also like a,

a palate cleanser after having consumed the entirety of the franchise to be like, you know, this is, this is where we started. It was not, um, high tech,

low spec, uh, you know, fuck blimps. It was just a bunch of French people in Thailand running around having sex with each other and seeing how it made them feel. Yeah. And there's something, I guess, beautifully simple about that. What do you make, Guy, of the journey we have taken through emmanuel is a sort of allegory to the journey cinema has made over a similar epoch from 1974 to now where

it's like the movies used to be about something and now it's the eighth spider-man reboot yeah dude i i suppose you can't overlay you know cinema to the emmanuel franchise where it's like the the movies used to be about something and then now i guess the movies are about making sure people want to watch the movie yeah yeah that's a good description like all the. Like so many of the movies that come out now, I just feel like the creation process behind them is very cynical. And it's like if we put X, Y, and Z together, that means this many people will want to watch it. Whereas this movie was like if we, as I've said,

if we film a bunch of French people in Thailand having sex with each other and seeing how that makes them feel, that might be pretty interesting. And it's not going to be for everyone, but the people who it is for are going to really connect to it. I think it would be foolish for us to overlook the fact that good movies do still exist. But I think they're in a completely different they're way less accessible than they used to be and when i say good you know fucking don't don't at me you dicks you know what i'm talking about at him he's dying to be acid anyone who says don't at me is absolutely begging for an atting i like is i also feel like i guess to to probably blow a little bit too much smoke up the journey of the arsehole we've been on.

No, it's fun to imbue our nonsense with meaning. Marvel represents, like, modern cinema for better or worse. And it feels like, just from what I see online, that even the Marvel Cinematic Universe is at an inflection point where maybe it's just the echo chambers I haunt, but people are like, okay, I'm ready for something different now. Does that feel – If you're speaking, I mean, purely like – I mean, financially certainly,

but just the bulk of eyeballs over the past 15 years, they've had a total stranglehold over over movie theaters and it has literally been to the detriment of any other kinds of films like coming out in the same way like coming out for a mainstream yeah cinema release like a wide cinema release so now everything has to and to compete with that now you've got to be like james bond or a james bourne film or a jason bourne film or um some big established character that studios are not afraid to bank on just facing off against each other it is fucking everything is everything is funny now and it's exhausting yeah yeah yeah it's like everything you know marvel movies are as much comedy as they are

just action or entertainment films. And I'm like, but they're not actually funny. They just acknowledge comedic beats exist and write them into their movies. Maybe this is our turning point where we turn into Rialto goers. We are the Pinot Noir sipping 60-year-old woman that we see in the lobby of when we go to a remotely independent film.

When we go to Cats, exactly. Maybe we don't go to Cats anymore. Maybe. If we're seeing some touching Colin Firth coming of old age story, that's going to be us now. And we're going to be trying to convince all these people under the age of 40 to go to movies with... I'm not afraid of it.

I don't even know who these old actors are, but they're always British. I'll tell you that for free. I even think about it in the context of the journey that our Patreon Deciders Club have sent us on and the movies we've watched. If you trace it back, the most interesting ones have been like zardos yeah and uh all these movies from like i guess the 70s through the 80s that were just so fucking off the wall yeah it's harder to come by in the in

you know and the holy mountain is the other one i was trying to think of um oh yeah yeah that's right yeah holy mountain zardos i feel like there was another like semi-recent totally batshit and same one as well in the mix that was a similar era but they're all so good and so fun yeah zardos man sean connery in a cod piece fighting aliens. Fuck yeah. It's also interesting to think now, so this movie came out in 1974. We've since traipsed through all of the Emmanuel franchise, and we did carry on Emmanuel recently. That was a movie that came out in 1978,

so I think maybe there'd been two Emmanuel films, but that was largely like a response to this. So I guess just connecting those dots makes a little bit more sense to me because we watched Carry On Emmanuel after we'd seen all of Emmanuel and it was like, what is this? Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it does. It doesn't change the fact that it was terrible.

Yeah, awful, awful, awful, awful. Hey, was Carry On the Marvel Cinematic Universe of its day? No, but it was a scary movie. Like, there was a, before Marvel, because Marvel also kind of hoovered up, they became self-referential parodying. I feel like they kind of hoovered up like, maybe there was that Not Another franchise.

Yes. That was everywhere for a while. Is that the weigh-ins? Did they make them? They did Scary Movie, which was like parallel too, but I don't think they did all the Not Another's. Yeah, fuck you, Marvel. You don't get to be the big, huge juggernaut

and be self-referential. Go fuck yourself. I guess they do. You can't just wrap your big bank balance and keep life. Did you ever watch that new Space Jam movie? No, I didn't. I heard it was terrible. I was quite excited to see it, which is bad.

I shouldn't listen to reviews because I frequently see movies that are poorly reviewed and fucking love them um that was like but that wasn't just reviewers that was everyone not that's right that's a good point yeah and everyone said it was like a shitty cash grab yeah yeah or it was just like it was a um with an over sexualized cgi bunny no desexualized CGI bunny. Everyone was getting pissed off because they made Lola Rabbit's tits smaller. No, that was like they played the highlights reel of the Warner Brothers intellectual property, was what that movie was about. It was like, look at all these characters we own.

Do you remember Porky Pig? No. Oh, fuck.bron james yeah okay he's still going isn't he yeah i mean true it's been like it's been a lot of work this season it's been i'm not gonna lie a slog and uh i know that we've still got a James Bond film to watch as like a button, but it's very satisfying to have it in the rear view mirror. And it is like, I think revisiting this does contextualize it and add, I mean, and I'm probably retrofitting this, but it does add value to think about, you know,

a study of, to an extent, a study of porn and of cinema and of like one intellectual property and the way you can stretch it across decades can i say this as well guy um imagine if you will shut your eyes for a minute and take yourself back to when we started this which i think was actually over a year ago and instead of embarking on a whole season of watching the emmanuel movies where it does change every week but but it's in a franchise. Imagine if we had done. I want you to remember every lockdown that we've had.

Imagine if we had just done one movie like normal across this whole span. I think we would be in a very seriously bad way. Yeah. a very seriously bad way yeah we always toy with some maximum fucked up ideas like what if we just did another year of sex in the city too can you imagine if we had pulled the trigger on doing that for the last year

that we've experienced it's I mean I might be dead yeah that's a difficult question because obviously the person in me um knows we've made the right decision and that that would be genuinely ruinous um the comedian in me is like that's a pretty good bit I think it would have been too much truly I don't think it would have been a fun funny listen

particularly like the say the last three months I think would have been I don't think we would have been very talkative and I think it would have been very dark at least I think it would have been very dark. Yeah.

At least. Yeah, and you know what? Like there is, I think, you're right. It would have been too dark. Because amongst like, you know, as weird as it is, this podcast is escapism for our one libertarian listener. And so I think to only represent like inside of already a challenging year to represent the worst of ourselves and bring out the worst in each other would be a um a harrowing hole to pare down yeah um now earlier you remembered the line, the couple should be outlawed and a third person should be introduced by force.

I can hear someone absolutely knocking on the door in a way where it feels like it's going to break off the hinges. Hello. Hi, boner inspector. How are you doing? I thought I was George. Actually, I think you might be. Sorry, George Lazenby.

I beg your pardon. We've got two frequenters. I know, I know. You've never met. I understand. You're similar statures, and sometimes I don't have my wits about me. Well, you know, we've got similar voices, I guess. I never really thought about that before, but you do kind of have similar voices.

Incredibly. Hard to distinguish. Yeah. And. How are you? World's greatest listener? Oh, I've been pretty good. That's good.

Yeah, man. Just been learning how to stand up paddleboard. Oh, wow, really? Yeah That's a fun new skill to learn at age, I want to say 87 or so Oh come on Tim, you know I'm not 87 No that's right, I know for sure that you are 82 years old And celebrated your most recent birthday on the 5th of September. Remember, remember the 5th of September.

Yes. It's been great. Just good to get out there on the ocean, you know, and just stand up. It's so nice. I guess you're doing the ultimate listening, listening to the ocean. Well, and I've been listening to myself, and I just feel cooped up. And, you know, for too long I've let this boner dominate what activities I do. I only wear, you know, basically.

Sorry, what did you say? You let this what dominate? Boner. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. What did you think I said? I didn't know. I genuinely didn't know. But this makes a lot of sense.

I probably could have put that together in my head. Well, I just think it's time to let my freak flag fly. Are you naked on the paddle board when you're out there? No, I wear board shorts, but they can't contain my manhood. No. Yeah, I'm just trying to put a mental image together. Well, it depends how close you are, but it's been said that from the beach,

if I'm far enough offshore, it sort of looks like a really thin mast. Yuck. But if you get up close, it is unmistakably my six-foot flesh wand. Wowee. Does it aid you in balancing on the board, do you think? Depends which way the wind's blowing, man. Oh, true.

I mean, it's very thin. I can't imagine it catches the breeze too much. Very thin. Show me yours. I'm not saying for a penis. I'm saying for a wind sail. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's more a place to hang a wind sail off.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll lie down on the very end of the board so that I can tuck it into the water, and it serves as a sort of rudder. Yeah, yeah. I can imagine that. water and it serves as a sort of rudder yeah yeah i can imagine that well that sounds like a lot of fun yeah it's a lot of fun george i've got a porno to pitch to you it runs deep enough in some water that i come back up with mollusks on my cock well shit but please no i'd love to listen um imagine if you will that we made a pornographic film that didn't focus every minute on the grisly business of bumping uglies

but instead spent a good amount of time on developing characters through a skillful script, spent some time composing an original soundtrack that met the mood of sensuality featuring a lot of sort of string orchestra and French accordion. I'm very intrigued. We had a leading lady who went through a journey of sexual discovery,

sort of a metamorphosis from a sexy caterpillar into a sexy butterfly by the end. In the middle of the film is a sexy chrysalis stage. Oh, I do love a chrysalis. Sometimes I just imagine what it would feel like to, um, to immerse myself in a chrysalis.

Well, this movie is going to show you that journey. Uh, metaphorically instead of the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly, it's from, um, I don't want to sayillar to butterfly, it's from, I don't want to say virgin per se. Our central character has had a version of sex, but not the sort of transcendent,

soul-defining physical experience that has opened up to her by the end of the film. She is guided through this process By several characters Yes Her husband, who is an ambassador Helps along the way There's an older woman Who's very sexually

Interested in our Leading lady There's a couple of younger women Who feature prominently as well Including an archaeologist This sounds kind of familiar uh i don't know why it would um have you watched have you seen all my movies yeah i think i have yep and have you seen the intellectual property that surrounds the movies I've been in?

That's a different question. Probably not all of it. Some of it? Some of it, sure. What are you driving at, George Lazenby? Nothing in particular. Carry on. George Robert Lazenby, born 5th of September 1939.

Oh, you know the way to a man's heart And it's through his long thin cock I really thought you were going to say middle name Kind of gutted that you didn't Anywho What I'm saying is We're going to make the fly If you've seen that particular sci-fi movie But instead of turning into a fly

The woman is going to turn into a sexual butterfly When the woman into a sexual butterfly. When the woman's a sexual butterfly, does she want to have sex with people or butterflies? Both. Next question. Does she have wings? Yes, beautiful wings at the end of the movie. When she has sex with a butterfly, is she too big?

Yes, she is. So it's, in that way, quite a sad tale of unrequited love because of the physical limitations of being attracted to butterflies when you're not the size of an insect anymore. Kind of like Bee Movie. Kind of like Bee Movie, Guy. You know Bee Movie? insect anymore kind of like b movie kind of like b movie guy you know the heartbreaking heartbreaking tale of jerry seinfeld the size of about a thumbnail pursuing the romantic interests of a human-sized woman is it renee's because she is a human was it renee zellweger i don't know i've not seen it what's she up to these days it's a good question uh george

lazenby i know that she sort of shocked the world by looking slightly different than she used to look yeah about a year ago i don't like it when people do that yeah the whole uh world was really taken off guard yeah it turned out well you know, that's our business, not hers. How she looks impacts me more than anyone. I'm George Lazenby. Yes. I want everyone to run it by me when they change their, if it's even so much as a new haircut or a trim.

Anyway. George. I like it. The fuck butterfly. Yeah, yeah. Fuckerfly? It's kind of confusing. I'd like it if we could scale up the size of some of the butterflies

and the caterpillars so that people could fuck them or they could fuck people. But otherwise, I think you're on to a winner. So now I'm thinking we sort of borrow some elements from, I think there was a sequel to Rick Moranis' Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, which was Honey, I Blew Up the Kids, where they all become giants, maybe? Yeah, yeah. An enlargement ray is what I'm saying. So if we can kind of get that in the mix to blow up these insects, then you're in?

Yes, if we can get both Rick Moranis and the technology that he used in Honey, I Blew Up Ourselves or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I think that is what it's called. Here's the thing. I don't know if that man's acting anymore. Yeah, he stepped back because I think he suffered a personal tragedy. I believe the mother of his children might have passed away and he decided to invest the rest of his full time into you know, full time into making sure that his boys, I want to say, were doing okay.

One of the good ones, Rick. He's the guy who actually got me into supping. What's supping? Stand-up paddle boarding. It's sort of a colloquial application of the acronym. Gotcha. Tim, I would love to fuck a butterfly on screen. I'm honored you asked.

Right, right, right. I am in the movie, right? You are certainly in the movie. You're voicing one of the caterpillars. No, no, but I'm also in the movie as a person, right? I mean, I hadn't sort of had you pegged. I just think it's going to be difficult to shoot around the fact that you've got a permanent erection.

Why? It's an erotic film. It is an erotic film. I mean, I thought you watched the latest Emmanuel today. Didn't that sex scientist Mario say that eroticism is an erection, not an orgasm? Yes, but he didn't have an erection while he was saying the line. That we could see. But I'm saying this is the problem, George.

You have sort of a unique physicality to you. Thank you. I look really hard on my body. I just recently got into stand-up paddle boarding. Yes, so I gather Based on the fact that you told me I use my cock as a rudder Listen do you want to voice the fucking

Caterpillar or not Do I get merchandising rights Yeah you can get some points off the back end Of the merchandise yeah I own all of the merchandise For my character Who the fuck do you think you are George fucking Lazenby I own all of the merchandise for my character. Who the fuck do you think you are? George fucking Lazenby.

Yeah, right, you get the merch. And I get points on the back of all the other merch too. Yeah, that's fine. And I get a walk-on role as myself. You're financing this movie, so I'm going to say yes to that also. Nice, nice, nice. But there has got to be the final stipulation

this is our deal handshake and if i if i do if i like fuck a chrysalis or something on set you can't i can't get in trouble you're really jeopardizing your title of the world's greatest listener right now i feel pardon total merchandising funds for your character's merch points on all the other merchandise a walk-on role as yourself voicing the caterpillar that fucks a lot and this is it this is the package and i get to have sex with the chrysalis on set and you don't get to say anything bad about it no i'm not agreeing to that because i think that might be a union issue and i get to have sex with the chrysalis on set and you don't get to say anything bad about it no i'm not agreeing to that because i think that might be a union issue and i can't make that decision on their behalf okay you play hard but fair i'm in okay great thanks george see you later man he um he's a good negotiator, to his credit. He really played hardball there.

He really did. The secret to any great negotiation is being a powerful listener, so it does make sense that George Lazenby would be an excellent dealmaker. Out of nowhere. Boner Inspector! Oh, fuck. Hey, man. Hi.

Forgot you existed. Well, I understand it's my last chance. Last chance saloon. Boner Inspector, it's so nice to see you. I think I say that every time you emerge, and I mean it absolutely every time. We are wrapping up this season of the podcast, which I think means we won't get to hang out with you as much.

Oh, that's such a shame. I know. On behalf of Guy and myself, I just want to thank you so much for um joining us as a guest host uh of this season of the podcast it's been so cool having you on all the time we've loved it man we've loved your energy every time such good energy oh well if a man does what a man can yes um so boner inspector normally you come around here inspecting bonus yes looking for bonus yeah uh so i mean listen man we watched a very erotic 70s french nice nice today

titties a lot of titties ass a little bit of ass yeah cock and pussy uh, not what I would describe as cock and or pussy, but quite a lot of muff. Like even in the opening three minutes of the film. Nothing wrong with a bit of muff. Indeed. Yeah, I thought that you might have that opinion. So what I'm here to tell you is that we probably watched the most sexy film of the entire season.

Yes, please. And I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but I did not get an erection while watching this film. I'm so sorry. Well, I don't understand. I got a mind boner for how good the movie was. Conceptually, you were aroused. Yeah.

I'll write that down. Thank you. Look, man. yeah i'll write that down thank you uh look man monster erection the whole time huge pulsing almost fainted oh my god seriously yeah 100 monster monster boner monster boner okay i'm to put some horns on the boner I'm drawing here. Very good. Yeah, that's good. So now you've got a boner on your file. What are you going to do?

Retire. Seriously? Yes. A boner inspector only gets to inspect one boner before they must retire. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. The only thing left for me to do is to see it. I don't know.

Well, we've been talking for a while and the movie's finished. I don't have it. You've got to still have it. I don't have it. You've got to still have it. I don't have it anymore, man. Brain inspector? Are you okay? I just want to walk free. Oh, man.

This doesn't seem like a very good way to end an episode of a show. I guess I'll be on my way. Thanks. Fuck. Thanks for trying, fellas. See you, Banner. I'll miss you. What's that on the horizon?

Standing out there on the ocean. It looks like some sort of mast, a flesh mast. It's George Lazenby. He recently got into pedal boarding. Stand up pedal boarding, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is that a boner? Yeah, man.

It's a boner. It is, yeah. All right, I've got to go. Yeah, I keep forgetting you guys haven't met. Yeah, go to him. Go to him. Go to him. Oh, that's so nice.

See ya! We finally got those kids together. Oh, okay, I thought you'd gone. See you, Boner Inspector. What a wonderful wrap on those two. And Guy, I've got some other news for you. I'm scared of it. No, you shouldn't be scared.

You should be delighted. Rick Moranis has taken quite a long hiatus in film, okay? He voiced a character in Brother Bear and Brother Bear 2 called Rutt, which was a

Brother Bear 2, at least, a direct-to-DVD movie. These are not huge endeavors. You know, you can lend your voice to something. That's pretty easy. That's cool. You can kind of do that. That was in 2003, 2006, respectively. Before that, he voiced a character in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in The Island of Misfit Toys in 2001.

We know that. Everyone knows that. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves was in 97, and as far as I can tell, that was the last shrunk ourselves was in 97 and as far as i can tell that was the last movie that he was in on camera but guy i'm delighted to tell you that there is an upcoming project called shrunk which is being produced by walt disney pictures and it is the story of rick moranis's character 30 years after the events of honey i shrunk the kids he has a son who i believe is also a scientist and uh goes through similar accidental events of shrinking his family and he's coming back to the big screen, baby. Who should be his collaborator?

One of the creators of the original story on which the screenplay is based and starring opposite Rick Moranis, the great Josh Gad. It just felt like an applauded moment what's not to love the way you you said that i'm excited about that we all love rick moranis and now we have a new mission we must boost the sales and performance of shrunk to um an unexpected box office performance to let the mouse know that the people love Rick Moranis and he is a bankable Hollywood star.

He is a bankable Hollywood star. Yeah. Well, it's all... A fantastic father and a bankable Hollywood star. It's all good news in my book, Tim. And I think that is a beautiful and upbeat place to end what has been an arduous season of um

yeah nothing says ending a year of watching pornography like a discussion of Rick Moranis' cinematic career. As mentioned there will be a button to this we will be watching George Lazenby's Bond on Her Majesty's Secret Service from 1969

potentially spending some of the time with the great man himself but thanks to everyone who's joined us on this really winding and ceaselessly and I would almost say needlessly horny and

occasionally grotesque season of the podcast yeah I would almost say needlessly horny and occasionally grotesque season of the podcast. Yeah, I would agree with that assessment. It has been grueling for us and yeah, it's had a lot of twists and turns, but I'd like to go out on a song, which we're definitely not allowed to play, but I say to the haters,

vis-a-vis the law, fuck you guys. The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear. Will never disappear I've seen that road before It always leads me here Lead me to your door The wild and windy night Let the rain wash away