The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Eighteen - JoHos

Episode Date: July 3, 2015

How long does a corpse take to break down inside a camel? How could Guy and Tim improve Sex and The City 2? How cold is SO cold that you start fighting white people? What's the best time to nag a clothes dryer? These are the questions two guys from New Zealand ask at 1am after watching the movie for the 18th time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello, kind human And welcome along to the worst hitter of all time, episode 18 Yeah My name is Guy Montgomery My name is Tim Batt We are in a room together It's so cold, oh shit, it's so cold in here too, I'm dropping crackers

That's how cold it is, It's cracker dropping weather. Oh my goodness. Tim's been out on the street punching all the white people in the bloody jaw. You've got to nail them, man. They're white privilege. You've got to get those crackers. Fuck them. Fuck them.

He's also quite literally dropped a packet of crackers. So once again, we're recording at the middle of the night. It's moments away from 1am now. We've just finished the movie. It's moments away from 1 a.m. now. We've just finished the movie. It's the best time to watch Sex and the City 2. It's a crazy time to watch Sex and the City 2. When do you like to put it in your schedule? I like it in the morning, to be honest.

I like for us to lay it down in the a.m. So if you could schedule it anywhere, it would be? Definitely an a.m. watch. I just find it so unwieldy. If we can finish it and it's still in the AM, I'm always grateful for that. Don't feel dirty. But it means we've got to start at like 8.30 for that to ever be true.

You mentioned while we were watching today that you couldn't imagine the proposition of a doubleheader. Oh my goodness. Because we did it a couple of times with grown-ups too. We would watch the movie back to back. Or we'd watch the movie, record an ep, and then watch the movie again, record another ep, straight after another. But with this, with this movie, Monty, it cannot be done. It absolutely cannot be done.

At least a five-hour operation. That's just viewing time alone. It's be done. It absolutely cannot be done. At least a five-hour operation. That's just viewing time alone. That's so intense. It would be nightmarish to try and pull it off at some point, but I honestly don't think I've got it in me to sustain that kind of shit. You're not well. You're surly. I am a little bit.

You're restless. Yep. You're fidgety. I want to go to bedy I want to go to bed I wanted to go to bed so early on to the watch On this one I've had a hell of a day It's been long

And I just want to Come on I wanted to crawl into bed about four hours ago Don't come in here to dump our personal problems Sorry I shouldn't be doing that This is a clean space This is a vacuum

How did you find the movie this week, Guy? Tim Everyone in this movie needs to do better Oh this is a vacuum how did you find the movie this week Guy? Tim everyone in this movie needs to do better oh tell me more all the characters are just

thoughtless monsters they just need to have a deeper consideration for every they just make the same mistakes week after week after week someone's got to learn something we're not taking anything out of this They just make the same mistakes week after week after week. Someone's got to learn something.

We're not taking anything out of this. I feel like this is not good for anyone. These characters need to do better. Look, I'm loathe to bring this up, especially at this important juncture, but the film ain't changing, Monty. It hasn't so far, and it's not going to in the subsequent, what have we got now, 35 watches? I understand that. I understand fundamentally and logically what you're saying is true, but I can't feel it.

I feel like at some point something has to change. You've got a big old case of cognitive dissonance Happening there where you recognise the truth And you will not accept it In a deep and meaningful way into your life This must be how Jehovah's Witnesses Feel that we are living You know

It's like they've got the truth and they're trying to convince everyone else And we're just like no no no It must be a deeply frustrating experience being a java's witness in this day and age can you imagine walking around and you genuinely don't want anyone to burn an eternal damnation and you're just hitting up everyone you're like look you gotta hear me on this one i am really trying to help yeah i'm really trying to do your soul that's for you yeah and then everyone's just like Get out of here Fuck off

And then they're like I guess some people just want to burn in the fiery pits of hell But they don't They never accept that The Jojos They keep going They keep hitting you And God bless them

For doing it Because they really believe in what they're doing Imagine if they put all of that focus and energy To something of actual practical use. Like what? Jenga? Well, anything. It's just a wasted amount of fucking manpower.

Maybe Texas Hold'em poker. Just anything. You've just got a bunch of people plugging away at nothing. Pull your fucking finger out. I don't know. I agree with you. And that's all there is to it. I was looking for a concession and I don't know i agree with you and uh that's all there is to it i was looking for a concession and i don't have one this movie no no okay here's what i will say about that i

feel like even if what you're chasing i personally think is completely like demonstrably a silly thing you can you can have oh yeah positive spin-offs from it I agree I'm just thinking like little sparky little cool things like being a positive person

all the time and for all the people they convert I'm not talking about that time but for all the time that Jehovah's Witnesses spend knocking on

people's doors yeah and trying to tell so you're just talking about the pure like the mechanics of being a Jehovah's Witness or just like if they took all of that, you know,

and bloody worked on. Jiu Jitsu. Yeah. Or even just, you know, doing some sort of civic good. Maybe if they just like took up a, they re-tarsealed,

you know, a bumpy road somewhere. Now I'm going to hit you with something. Do you smell the irony about us talking about other people wasting time? I do. Because I can smell it, and it is rich, and it is overpowering. It's pungent. It's a heady, heady smell.

Yeah, but like, you know, we can't toss it. No, they can, they. We're the same. No, they're all very good at it. What I'm trying to say, guys, is... It's in the entrance exam. We are Joseph's children. We are Jehovah's Witnesses.

This movie, Tim, and my just desire to see something change in it. We made some suggestions. Yeah, but this is, this led me to write down In this book Like I want The movie makes me want

The Pretty much at the wedding The opening wedding This movie makes me want Just for the sake of some action The Westboro Baptist Church To show up To come at the gay wedding just just to pick it

up just to feel something just to jolt and that's not like a healthy that's i wrote that down underneath the heading this is what happens when you watch sex and city tour for the 18th time yeah i'm reading that back now it's not a that's not healthy it's not a good thought it's not a pleasant thought but it's you know There's something inherently Funny about it When the Yeah It's so big And so gay

And for the Westboro Baptist Church To just Fucking rock in there You know That's essentially That church is just like One family Really

One family of fuckwits They're like They are the definition Of the loud minority There's so few of them And they're so loud They're the O'Doyle Rules family From Philly Medicine They are They keep going back Generation after generation There's so few of them And they're so loud They're the O'Doyle Rules family From Billy Madison

They are They keep going back Generation after generation O'Doyle Rules O'Doyle Rules We did make some other suggestions though And a big one that We didn't really unpack

Because we thought we'd saved The conversation for now Was When Carrie It's the exact halfway point of the movie When Carrie can't get to sleep And she goes to fix herself some warm milk or tea or whatever. And Garone.

Right, right, right. Sorry, I'm talking through a yawn. Are you saying, is that the halfway point of the movie? Yeah. Fucking what? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. You know that.

The milk. The cinnamon milk. Yeah, that's the halfway point. Holy fuck. That's the bloody, that's. I thought that was very near the end. That's Lenny Faded teaching Keithy how to kick a football. Wow.

And I've just seen it. And I've already seen it 17 times prior. Yeah, boy. Man, I'm mixed up in me upstairs. But what in that scene is again, and this is sprung from my desire For something in the movie to change If she

Because she gets scared Like she forgets She doesn't know he's in the house He's like hey And she's like what Yeah And so she's holding the jug of milk If she struck him on the head

Oh my god Glass jug of milk Her manservant Knocked him cold Yes He's dead Second half of the movie Carrie Bradshaw

She's got a dead body on her hands She's in a foreign land Okay She doesn't know a lot about The Like topography The geography She doesn't know a lot about the customs

I mean You know People at the hotel He's a member of the staff People at the hotel They're going to notice that he's missing It's got to be tricky They're going to ask a lot of questions

Apart from anything else To dispose of a dead body in a dry, arid desert, because I imagine it wouldn't break down very easily because it would be such a dry and salty environment. You want moisture. If you're getting rid of a body, you want moisture. The smell would carry too because the flesh would be. I don't know if there'd be a lot of smell if it was that dry. It'd be almost like a kind of mummifier.

It'd like dry it out. Oh, it'd turn to dust. Like a sea urchin on the sand. You reckon? Yeah. Yeah, I reckon. Reduce a body to dust. Not to dust.

It would blow away. No, no. Ash. No, no. It'd be like, you know, when you put an apricot in a, what are they called? Like the fruit dryers. Like a dehumidifier, but for food. Dehydrator?

Is that what they're called? Well, I think you dehumidify. That's how you're getting dried apricots. That's a pretty long process. But it's the same process. You're removing moisture from something. Yeah. It wouldn't turn to dust.

It would just shrivel up. But I don't think it would smell. from something. Yeah. It wouldn't turn to dust. It would just shrivel up. But I don't think it would smell. This is the thing. Because what you're smelling when you smell a corpse rotting is actually the byproduct of the bacteria that's eating away at it. It's not the body itself. It's the waste product. So you've got a small shriveled up corpse still.

I mean, you've still got to get rid of that somehow. That's what I'm saying. It's hanging around. It would dry out and then it would hang around. What does Carrie do? Feed it to a camel, if I'm being honest. You want to starve the camel. It's like that speech in Lockstock

how he's talking about the pigs. You starve the pigs. Snatch. And it's the expression, as greedy as a pig. They all chomp that bone. Camel's much the same. Camels are often called pigs of the desert.

If a camel gets a taste for human flesh, and you know this as well as I do because we read the same books, it will turn wild on the nearest town, city or village. 100%. Or even settlement. That's why there's so many camels in Australia. They were originally brought in to keep control of the criminal

population. That's why I'm saying you can't, Carrie can't feed this, she can't feed this corpse to a camel. Why? You've got a bloody siege on your hands. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, but I don't know. Feed it to the camel then shoot the camel. Then everyone will go, wow, why did someone shoot a camel? If you shoot

a camel within 24 hours of it eating human flesh, it will respawn. Whoa, didn't know that. Three camels will be where one once was. You're sneaking a book ahead of me, aren't you? I'll book you. Yeah, I just... You've got some info I don't have. Well, I've been reading about biology, camel biology recently.

Good on you, man. Some people would chastise you for getting ahead of me. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna congratulate you. I'm gonna say, well done. Way to pursue your knowledge. You still brought up the idea of chastising me. I introduced it, but I quickly dismissed it also.

You still made me aware of it. Don't worry about it too much. I'm trying not to. You shouldn't. So, back to this camel, this ravenous respawning camel. Like, is it exactly 24 hours? Can we wait for like 25 and then shoot it in the head?

Wow, I mean, it's your... The other thing is, how long will it take for a human body to decompose inside of a camel? Because you want it to break down so it's no longer, you know, identifiable. Or else the jig is up. That is true. identifiable, or else the jig is up. That is true. Well, I mean, this is just one of the number of options the movie could take if Carrie was faced with the proposition

of a dead body. Here's a suggestion that I came up with on how we could improve Sex and the City 2. We've got Carrie Bradshaw, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, swap her out for Sarah Michelle Gellar. TV's Buffy that's not how casting works but it would be a good idea

inarguably and and I can't emphasize this enough as with a lot of things we've talked about so far yes I'm waiting for the week when this happens aren't we all I also want Willow to be there and sanders and giles say sir michelle

gal you mean buffy i actually just want us to be watching buffy instead of this movie i think maybe that's what i'm gravitating towards anything you could i could say anything and it would sound better than watching this movie interstellar would be good yeah i love that you're a big interstellar fan love that movie that's three times in the movies big fan that's a lot it is that's 20 to go to a movie yeah it is well you put it the way i saw it yeah i went imax two times glitzy imax 3d it's like 30 bucks bro glitz in the glamour fuck me that's a lot of money. So $60. Plus a normie, so $80 to see Matthew McConaughey conquer

space time. Spoilers, man. What? There's no spoilers in that. Conquer space time? I thought space time might conquer Matthew McConaughey. I'm watching him try. That's what I'm saying. Don't you worry about it, guy saying don't you worry about it guy don't you worry about it i'm not plus that movie's been out for like a fucking year i don't care about spoilers at this point if you haven't seen it you don't

deserve to not be spoiled give me some more of your um suggestions for how to we improve this uh this turd i think that they need more maps as narrative devices explain I just remember from Road Trip it's not just Road Trip it's lots of movies when they're like going from one place

to another yes it like sort of cross dissolves into like a map of the land where they are

and it's like if bless you twice excuse me like a felt tip marker sort of marking out the journey and it always makes a wrong turn and then like

it goes in a big loop and then gets back on the right track and then they pull into the next city I think if there was some sort of caper between what was the first movie to do that? you'd have to be a genius to think of that

the first person to think of that we should know their name at least You'd have to be a genius to think of that. The first person to think of that. We should know their name, at least. Like a pre-Spielberg. Like, I'm embarrassed to not know the name of the person who first used that as a device. Me too, actually. Such is the searing brilliance of it. I'm not sure what's going on in my bathroom, but someone's really going hell for leather.

It's more the laundry. I can hear someone banging on the dryer. It's a weird thing to hear, whatever past one it is. That's the best time to bang a dryer. I don't know, man. It's kind of terrifying. To get a response out of a faulty dryer, you've got to stun them. Dryers don't stun easy.

You can't stun a dryer and day they're too alert then. You can't even be pretty much at an REM sleeping level. Hey Tim, take that line for a walk. Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do. Scat-a-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Lips or mouths or maybe the lips that are fastened to your mouth. Like a delicious porcelain cup of hot joe coming at you. So two of these questions. What is this guy's deal? What's he all about, guy? This guy, he's a pretty normal guy. Tell me about this guy. To be completely honest.

Recently graduated university. Yes. Liberal arts. Ah. Up to his eyeballs in money owed and not a lot of job prospects. No. I'll tell you what, they shouldn't be cranking out this many liberal arts graduates. They're irresponsible.

They need to kill the number of accepted students. Because there's just not enough jobs for them. Correct. So pretty much it's another day of applying for jobs. This guy's specialised in field and paintings of pastures and fields. Correct me if I'm wrong. He looks on the wrong side of 40. Well, he was a bit of a party boy in his time.

He took his sweet time to graduate. So, yeah, this guy's- Bit of a Van Wilder scenario. Yeah. What was he in a school for? It's Van Wilder's cousin. No, it's not. Yeah, that's where he got the idea. Far out. That's where Van Wilder's cousin no it's not yeah that's where

he got the idea far out that's where Van Wilder got the idea this guy's the OG he's the OG V-dub yeah man

anyway so he's graduated and he's got another big morning of applying for jobs and it's ultimately hopeless and he knows that but for the time being to wear a suit

and actually at least like send out emails it makes it feel like there's some sort of, there's something in it. But as part of the whole grave tradition of him pretending like he's going to get a job, he gets jacked up on caffeine in the morning.

Do you know what I like about this guy? It's very easy when you get into a pattern in your life or like a time in your life when, you know, things aren't looking too good and um you don't have a job and you're relying on other people and you're in a bit of debt and stuff to just kind of really let yourself go this guy's wearing a suit every day every day he's getting up he's going to a cafe he's continuing to read the paper and i don't know if he's really taking on world events but at least he's keeping up that pretense. He's going, the message he's sending to the rest of the world is,

world, I'm here, I'm ready for your job. Throw it at me. I like that. I like that about that guy. You don't think maybe if he put a little less time into maintaining appearances, a little more time to actually knuckling down and getting the job done? No, I think he's nailed the ratio. I think he's nailed the time spent. I think that think he's nailed the ratio. I think he's nailed

the time spent. I think that's exactly part of the problem. Do you? There's a lot of these things people aren't seeing you. Guy, let me throw

a question at you. What was your shining light this watch? My shining light this watch was Samantha. She's clothes shopping

for the movie premiere. And Carrie's just had the fight with Big. And she's sort of pouring her heart out a little bit. She's like, can we please come to the premiere? I'm worried that we're becoming a boring married couple. Which I can tell you, whether you're out or in, you're a boring married couple. I would not ask you to a dinner party i would like if i had a say i was like had been close friends with carrie and big for the

last 20 years and i kind of fallen out of touch with them and i was having like a hundred seat dinner party for whatever reason and i finally i'm elected mayor of you know know. Dinnertown. Cincinnati or something. I have my big dinner in New York as a Cincinnati mayoral tradition. Yes. I wouldn't ask Carrie and Big. And I would, you know, I wouldn't. And, you know, they're movers and shakers on the scene and in our group of friends,

but I would be like, you know, I just can't, I can't have them. They're too boring. And Carrie's trying to explain this to Samantha, who is already patently aware of how boring they are. Yeah, she's loving it. Yeah, she says something to her, and Samantha says, oh, you'll be fine.

And it just doesn't even touch on, it doesn't even address anything that Carrie's just said. Yeah, you've done a bad job of explaining this one particular feature of the conversation, but they're really... I've done a great job. Oh, you'll have a good time. You'll have a good time. You'll have a big job of explaining this one particular feature of the conversation, but they really... I've done a great job. Oh, you'll have a good time. You'll have a good time.

You'll have a good... So, Samantha's comment to Carrie, which is supposed to allay her fears, is not related to what Carrie's just been talking about. They're talking at cross purposes. Ships in the night, conversationally. Samantha Jones has demonstrably tuned out to what carrie has to say and fair enough too my shining light was um samantha jones related as well this week her

assistant really captured me she did heard the assistant who watches her rub uh vaseline onto her vagina sam mantha does that not the not the assistant. The assistant's very professional. And she comes in and she says, Smith Garrett is on the line for you. Yeah. That's probably her only line. She could have done through the phone, to be honest. Like, she'd only, she'd just,

she says something to her at some point on the phone. Like, it's pretty obvious that they've got a working phone system. Oh, definitely. And it's VoIP that they've got a working phone system. Oh, definitely. And it's VoIP too. You can tell by how they throw those phones in. And to have seen what Samantha was doing, it's a private moment. I don't think it's her place to really interrupt her.

That's when you buzz through on the phone. You don't go into the office to tell her. You like the moxie? I do. The initiative? Yeah. Because I like that this assistant has gone, this isn't your usual run-of-the-mill business call

for a PR firm that is in big danger of going bankrupt soon. There's a fuck in this for Samantha. I must personally deliver it. Like so many messenger boys during the war. Like, this is her sticking her neck out. X-ray, X-ray, read all about it. Penis found. Hey, Miss Jones, we found a penis on the street.

Thought we'd throw it in your office, see if you're interested. And that's her. That's the assistant. And that's why she really shone a light on the movie for me today. I'm going to take you back now, Tim, to a time about two hours and 45 minutes ago to three hours ago. We were starting to watch the movie. I just drove to your house.

Yep. And you said, you know what? I really want to go on deep. Yeah. I really want to knuckle down and get to the heart of this thing this week. I want to engage with the movie. And I said, I laughingly said at the time The movie is Like life

I think you said good luck Firstly That was your first comment Something glib Like the start of life You know And you're going And you're full of ideals

Yeah And you've got this Very vivid idea Of how you want to engage With the movie And like You know And then as it wears on and wears you down it just

becomes you just have to do what you can to get by to get through it's pretty you know like your enthusiasm had these off-brand crackers to keep me company at the start of the movie though the earnestness with which you approached it You were like yeah I'm gonna fucking do it It was one of those moments where you like rub your hands together And you're like right let's get into it You roll your sleeves up It's like a movie montage

It's like the scene before someone knuckles down to do the real hard work Did you ultimately know that that Was doomed No I had Real earnest intent to Just stay with the movie this time. I looked at you with my sad cow eyes, and I thought, he'll never make it. And I didn't, really.

I have to admit. It's impossible. It's so hard. It's impossible to actually dive in and walk around and feel the world of this movie for the duration of the movie. It doesn't mean I won't try again. I will. I will continue to try to engage with this film, not just at the beginning, but throughout.

But it's a big ask because it's quite lengthy. Pretty much until the end of the wedding, I feel like I'm in the world of the film. If on a good night. Yeah. And then after that, I'm in the world of the film on a good night and then after that I'm just after that we're just like two positively charged magnets

so we're in each other's vicinity but just pushing against we're pushing against each other you're the same and that's what makes you so so damn unbearable in a small space together you're hurting my feelings so damn unbearable in a small space together. You're hurting my feelings.

What do you want to say to me, Tim? I've got nothing to say to you, guy. Look at you. No. Just take a real quick moment to look at yourself. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm comfortable. You're a shambles.

You're a shambles. You're a shambles. You're shambolic. I will not take this from a kettle throwing a stone through a glass house. Nice one. Yeah. Mate, I can't stay awake anymore. I'm calling it.

You're done? I'm absolutely done. You know what? That's fair enough. I'm going to catch everyone next week because I really need to put my head on a pillow and fall asleep. You are absolutely cooked. I'm so exhausted. Really need to sleep.

Didn't sleep during the movie though. And I respect that. Not to rub salt in the wound. Yeah, it's a real fresh wound. The wound of me having not seen as many minutes of Sex and the City Tour as you. Yeah, I'll bet you're still smarting from that. Having not seen as many minutes of Sex and the City Tour as you. Yeah, I'll bet you're still smarting from that.

So what I would like to say is, fuck this shit. I'm really unhappy. Hey, come on. Go to my place. We'll light up some cigars. Steve's not going to work this time. Pour you a cup of whiskey. Not even Steve. I tell you stories about when I

used to solve mysteries. What? Yeah, I used to solve mysteries. Oh, yeah. 10, 15 years ago, me and a bunch of kids and my dog. Really? Yeah, yeah. We drove around

in a van. It was pretty fun. What was the van called? Oh, you wouldn't have heard of it. It wasn drove around in a van. It was pretty fun. What was the van called? Oh, you wouldn't have heard of it. It wasn't a very popular van. Oh, okay. It was called the Mystery Machine. I think I may have heard of you a little posse. No.

The dog's name wasn't Scooby, was it? Yeah, Scooby. That was my Scooby. Hold on. Were you still, like, did people know you as Steve then? No, I went by a nickname back then. Did people kind of, did they call you Shaggy? I was known for my Shaggy.

Yes. So you toured around with a bunch of kids and a mystery-solving dog in a van. Yeah, what if I did? But then you grew into a man who got married to Miranda in Sixth City. Sometimes, you know, you've got to settle down. We had a lot of fun, but there was a lot of friction. There were a lot of rifts forming in the mystery machine. Sure, I'll bet, I'll bet.

I mean, Fred and Wilma, they could barely look at each other. Yeah, Velma? Yeah, and her. Yeah, all of them. Well, Velma moved out pretty fast. Oh, I see. Wilma moved in. Oh, God.

Her twin sister. It's a nightmare. Yeah. As much as I would love to target this loose bit of wool until the sweater comes undone, I got a guy.one. I gotta go. I gotta go. I got so many stories. I know, but you do. I'm sorry, Scooby, Shaggy,

Steve. Please call me Steve. My wife finds out, she'll kill me. Alright. I'm not meant to talk about it. We broke a lot of laws. Okay. Bye, man. I got the craziest stories if you just stick around and listen. It's the worst idea of all time.

It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. Season two.