The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Fifty Two - The End

Episode Date: March 12, 2016

Live from The Bell House in New York City, home to the Sex and The City gals, Guy and Tim are putting a bow on it in front of a live crowd. The knife is replaced, the Brady v Dickbot fight is ending. It's truly the end of an era. Listen with love in your hearts and hope for the lads as they briefly rest before setting out for one more final season. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Season 2 is over. Hello ladies and gentlemen of the Bell House! We did it! We all did it! We did most of it. We literally just finished. Unless a set of podcast hosts would do you the injustice of watching this at a convenient time, like earlier in the morning, and then sort this out,

but we literally just had the end credits roll. Oh, it feels good. It feels so, so good. My name is Tim Batt. I'm Guy Montgomery. You don't need to applaud that. 90% of you already knew, and 10% of you are here because friends told you.

It's a weird one. It feels like, I don't know if you have those people in New York who walk around with weights on their wrists and ankles. You know, like they're exercising and they wear weights here and on their ankles. Have you seen these people? Do you have these people?

It feels like we've just had the weights taken. We're unshackled. My sole reference point for that is Dragon Ball Z because I think, doesn't Goku do that in the hyperbolic time chamber? He waits up and then he trains with King Kai?

It's been a cool decade or so. But we are now unshackled and ready to go Super Saiyan on your asses, people. I'm looking around the crowd and there's beautiful people. You guys are very pretty. We've got a Brady the Rat King right in the front. That's awesome.

Love that crown. Jacket is not as semeny as I would have anticipated. But you've done so, so well. So good on you for dressing up. And a guy maybe just dressed in a cool suit or maybe he is coffee guy. That's amazing.

The dude's got a coffee guy. It's amazing. The dude's got a coffee cup. I love that. I also love the attention to detail that there is nothing in the cup. Just like coffee guy. There's beer in the cup. Even cooler. What do you guys want to talk about?

So... Even cooler. What do you guys want to talk about? Some people want to talk about grown-ups too. You can mail that request to a fucking year ago. You idiot. So listen, we took notes on this watch, the final one, to make sure we didn't screw anything up. You also...

We should address this... Oh yeah, I didn to make sure we didn't screw anything up. You also, we should address this. Oh yeah, I didn't tell about our stuff that this was happening. I just came out brandishing a knife. So this is not the knife. The knife is gone, I'm so sorry to say. And for all of those who were like about to wage war on the TSA, it was

actually Sydney where I lost it. It was the Australian security apparatus that took it. Also, don't wage war. It's super valid on the TSA. It was actually Sydney where I lost it. It was the Australian security apparatus that took him. Also, don't wage war. It's super valid, the confiscation. This fucking idiot walks into an airport with a full blade in his carry-on and they take it off him and you give him sympathy? I was genuinely surprised as well.

In the cold light of day, it's like, yeah, that's what happens at an airport. But at the time, I was like, this will be fine. This will be totally fine. But this knife looks very similar to the original knife. I tried to get one that would look as similar as possible and I think I've nailed it. But I got them at a market here in New York City. It's American made.

This is like the spiritual success of the knife, so I feel good about him. He's a good knife and long may he reign. Do you know how I would like to start the podcast this evening, Tim? I would like to acknowledge, now that it's done, now that Sex and City 2

is done, we made about a year ago to the day a tremendous error. Honestly, one of the biggest and most regrettable mistakes of my young life. Go on. Tell the people how we came to

choose it, Guy. It's a fun story. I love the story. Yeah. So when we were finishing the first season of the podcast, we knew we wanted to do it again, which sounds odd. But we thought it was fun. It was fun that people liked it and we wanted to do it again. And we were trying to figure out the best possible way

to reveal to the next people what we would do. And we were actually looking at our downloads and we've got a few listeners in Dubai. Shout out to those people. Yeah, we never found out who those people were. No, we didn't. They're the genesis of this

whole season. There you go. They're the beginning of the problem. And we were like, okay, well, what's... Oh, there's that movie. I don't know what... We were just like, oh, wasn't the second Sex and the City 2 set there? And we researched it. And the first thing we saw, we saw two things.

We saw... Because, you know, when you Google something for a movie on the sidebar, you get the IMDb or the Wikipedia, and it's always got the movie poster in the runtime. And there was Carrie Bradshaw next to two hours and thirty minutes and we were like Yes, yes. Yes, yes. But also that

image is terrifying because it's Carrie Bradshaw in the desert so she's very much outside of her natural environment and photoshopped her with one inch of her existence. It's like a totally flat image. There's not a single crease or human feature on her face it's real scary

and we were like wouldn't it be so funny if you had a retrospective video that would pop up, I haven't made one this year I'm so sorry guys, just couldn't be bothered I've liked the whole season and then that would pop up and we experimented with a couple different movie posters

and that one came, that was real early on. It was sort of like being really hungover and going out for breakfast and looking at the menu and being like, that, that's the meal. And then the meal arrives and you're like, this is not. Even beyond that, it would

be like being hungover and walking around the city and being like, oh yeah, we could go to that cafe or that cafe. Denny's, classic. Let's fucking go there. And then you do. And you order like the waffles and daiquiri, which is its own meal because it's a Denny's. And then it arrives

and you throw up on it. It's like that's what season two has been. But you told a bunch of people you were going to eat it and they're all watching and so you... That's been season two. You eat the vomit and the daiquiri and the waffles. But then you finish.

Yeah. Because you have to. That's what you do. Because if you say you're going to eat a meal, you fucking eat the meal. This is America. Meals don't go unfinished here. I'm going to talk to this half of the room, guys, so I'm not going to look at you anymore. I just realised there's a lot more people

than I originally thought, so that's good. We've got notes. Do you want to dive in? I've got a cocktail napkin, because I'm a good planner. That's how all the greats started. JK Rowling. I legit can't read this, actually. Oh, should I kick off with The Shining Light?

It seems early. You might want to save that. No, I like to start on a positive, you know? Oh, okay, yeah. This is real chicken scratch. It's quite early on in the film, Guy, who I'm not looking at. This is how you record a podcast.

This is quite nice. I've been hanging out with this guy too much. This is good. I feel like I'm just talking to you guys. Everyone on this side of the room, I'm talking to you. This is for you. Say the shining light.

The shining light is when Carrie comes back to the apartment at the start of the movie and she's like, I want you to come to this movie premiere for Heart of the Desert. I've heard it's going to be the greatest film ever made. It's just like real Oscar bait material. And Big's like, I'm not going.

And then she's like, you should come. And then he's like, I'm not coming. And she goes, fine. I'll go with Stanford instead. And Big just goes, okay. It's so good. Because she's trying to pull this passive-aggressive maneuver where she's like, oh, okay, you're going to be like that?

Well, I'm going to make you real jealous by taking one of my male friends who we've just attended the gay wedding of. And Big, without missing a half a beat, it's just like, yep, sweet ass. It's all good in the hood. You do that, you have a good time. It does.

I fucking love it. It stands out as well. Because for a lot of the rest of the dialogue in the film, there's like a line, then a beat, while everyone recovers from how terrible the scripted line was. And then a beat. And you could tell that Chris Knoweth, God bless his pastoring

soul. Yeah. Is he dead? God can bless people who are alive, Tim. It's not often a turn of phrase I hear for people who are still among us. If you say like God bless... Oh, I think I'm thinking of God rest his soul actually.

Continue. Off you go. He obviously believed in the line because it was like, okay, well, fine, I won't go to the movie. And then he was so excited to deliver the line to Carrie. Carrie Bradshaw, who, by the way, this week, of all weeks, Carrie, when you could have been remotely sympathetic or lovely,

was just insufferable. She is. She's the worst. Big shout out to SJP if you're in the building. Make yourself known. We didn't invite her, so I don't know why I expected her to show up. But he just jumps on that line like,

whoop bang. Yeah, big does. Never. I'm not going. Fuck you. Yeah. So good. I love that.

Do you want to do Your Shining Light Or do you want to Bleed it out later on No I might as well No no no Do you remember what it was Let's remove all hope

For these people It's okay There's a particular one So the Irish nanny Who we have discussed Previously Very beautiful Very braless

Very lazy Sort of story arc For Charlotte us previously. Very beautiful. Very braless. Very lazy sort of story arc for Charlotte. She gets a theme song. Oh yeah. I never thought of it like that before but she does. Because they don't believe in the actor's ability to do an Irish accent.

They're like, Anne will underlay this. I'll just do the little, I'll do the theme song for you, OK? OK. That's it. Just quietly. I fucking nailed that. That's exactly the tune.

You did, Tim. Save for one detail, which is my shining light for this, the 52nd and final week. We had to watch the film with headphones this week, which always makes for a very immersive, very enjoyable oral experience. There's someone playing what sounds like, and I haven't noticed this before,

the world's thinnest woodblock. Oh, really? So you do the theme song? That's funny. I've never noticed it. And now I will never notice it. That's right. Every time something happened in this movie,

I was like, fuck, I'm glad I'm watching this because it's gone now. This is over. We're never going to this performance again. This play will keep going for infinity. Do you know who's going to be very embarrassed when they show up to perform this performance next week? The actors.

The actors, namely all of the performers who are on the phone reporting to their evil overlord that we're watching the movie again. They'll be like, well, I don't know what to tell you. They didn't show up. This is genuinely what it feels like.

I was laughing at them. They're going to keep going week after week. They're all there doing their job and we won't be there anymore. So it's like, who's won now? Mattress Pikelet? You or

me? I bet you, man. It would be a weird feeling for them as well because it wouldn't be total disappointment. They'd be like, well, frankly, they brought really negative energy sometime, so I'm glad that they're not here. But on the other hand, there was a vague familiarity between us.

Yeah, that's deep, man. Because that's like, well, that's the relationship we've, you know, I never got this with grown-ups. I never got to the point where I pushed through how terrible it was to the point where it acted as like a safety security blanket movie. But with Sex and the City 2, that has been a tiny aspect of that

since around the mid-40s, where it's like, the movie's bad, the movie's horrible but there's been little moments of like niceness, I don't know I don't think that you've done a very good job of purveying that to an audience member throughout the podcast

at all. Would anyone in this room say that Tim's really been bringing some positivity and light I think you're just getting nostalgic in your in this room say that Tim's really been bringing some positivity and light? I think you're just getting nostalgic in your old age. I don't think you've been, like, kind to the movie. Well, no, it's not about what I'm being to the movie, it's about what the movie's being to me. But the problem is

the ending is always the same and the ending is the thing that fucking kills me. The start is fine, the middle is terrible, then it gets briefly fun again. When? You tell me when. Okay. Foreigner? Yeah.

There. When? Yeah, okay. Like, for as long as the song from Foreigner is playing. Yeah, for that minute and a half when they're doing the karaoke, that's fun. And then we're back to shit. What I'm trying to say is I really like them doing that Fire In A Song. I guess that's it. Yeah, that's fair. It's, yeah, I mean, like I said, we did. We made a huge mistake and we did it and we stuck with it.

But there's no way I'd do it, you know, it's just and it feels so good. It feels I can't tell you the people is enough. Did anyone watch the movie today out of curiosity? Two people? About four or five

I think four or five people. That's awesome. I thought that question was going to be who's watched the movie period. Make some noise if you've watched the movie at all. Don't applaud. You're all garbage people. We were doing it for something. You're not garbage people. Thanks for coming.

Thanks for paying to be here. I respect you. Respect the hell out of you. Hey, one thing I noticed this go around which I've never noticed before is Herman Cain is in the movie which is fucking weird. Former US presidential candidate

and I think the founder of Papa John's Pizza. He's at the fucking scene where Brady wins the blue ribbon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's absolutely undeniably Herman Cain. This isn't... For everyone who is authentically saying,

what? It's definitely him. It's totally the guy. He is. He's standing just next to... He's just standing next in frame to... I feel like I know the cogs that are going around in your head and you're conceiving of a way to call me a bigot

in front of a room full of people. Because you're going... No, no, no, no, no, no. Tim's seeing a black guy in the back and he thinks it's Herman Cain. There's what's up. I can tell by your timing. Totally wrong.

I was explaining to everyone it's definitely Herman Cain. It's definitely in the movie. The reason why Herman Cain could be in the movie, now I've forgotten exactly in the timeline when the movie's set. 2010.

2010, so... When was he running for president? Anyone? 2012. So this makes perfect sense. What Herman Cain's doing... How much more super-delegate can you get than the future leader of the world? Well, I think the timing of his placement in the movie also supports your theory

because he does show up as we see the beginning of the rise of Brady. Yeah. He is in the classroom as Brady is being given the blue ribbon. Actually, fuck that. I'm bored of that already. I know that I've already seen my shining light. It's a real good way to open up a thread and then just drop your trousers and shit on it.

But I've got to say, Brady gave the performance of his small life tonight. The performance that I saw him give this week was better than any other that I've seen throughout the last year. And I want to congratulate him for that. He's got a better voice than I thought he did. He's probably got a really good singing voice, I reckon.

There's a clarity and authority that is not usually bestowed onto a child his age, but he just says his lines with such conviction that I'm like, there is an intelligent young man who knows what's up, and potentially to our detriment, but time will tell. He's like a jigglypuff, if you will.

If he is to sing with his dulcet, rat-lined ginger throat. That's true. What he does is he skins the rats and he dyes the flesh, or not the flesh, what's on the hair? The pelt. The pelt. Yeah, so he skins the rat and he dyes the flesh, or not the flesh, what's on a hair? The pelt. The pelt. Yeah, so he skins the rat and he dyes the pelt orange.

And he lines, and this is why he speaks with such clarity for a young buck. And he's got sort of that deep Barry Tone sort of resonance. And he books hotels under the name Barry Tone as well. What is he covering with the pelt? His throat? Is that what you're saying? What is he covering with the pelt? His throat? Yeah, so he skins them He dyes the pelt orange And he lines his esophagus with them

What the fuck is the point in dyeing something a colour If it's in your esophagus? What's the point in watching Sex and the City 2 52 times? It's just something to do, man Okay, fair enough You're walking in on an 8-year-old kid skinning and dyeing rat pelts, and you're like, hey, man, I get the skinning, and I get that you're lining your esophagus with them,

but there's one thing. Let me stop you on the dyeing of the pelt. No one's going to see them, Brady. You can cut out the middle, man. You're wasting time and energy on the dyeing. I genuinely do understand it, though, if it gives you cut out the middle, man. You're wasting time and energy on the dying. I genuinely do understand it, though, if it gives you like a baritone timbre, if

it gives you some depth to your voice and you can go a little couple octaves lower just by chucking some pouts in there, I would totally do that. I just don't see the justification with dying them people. Do you know who would do that? Prince. That's who would do that. That's who would do that.

That's who would kill a bunch of rats, skin them, dye them, and then absorb their coats into his esophagus. Prince and Brady, he's in good company. Yeah, he sure is. But yeah, so he's done this, and he's willing to use the power of his newfound baritone as a young'un, along, obviously, with the army of rats he's assembled in New York sewers. Haven't seen a single rat since we've been here, by the way.

Not one. Not one rat. Presumably. Well, you... Those are rats? You shouldn't wear that coat. The brady walking around, he'd be furious. I haven't seen any.

I haven't seen a single goddamn one, and I'm so disappointed. Do you know where I see rats? In Auckland. What the fuck, New York City? But we're here in winter, so I reckon that's got something to do with it. Or can they come out in summer?

All you New Yorkers, you always go, oh, we got so many rats. It's all rats here. Put them on the internet. The rats are growing intelligent. Not one rat! I cannot read the rest of my notes. At all.

I've written my notes with supreme clarity. I did discover today, I laughed at it hardly, and I can confidently say this is a world-leading expert in the field of Sex and the City 2. The funniest line, the funniest scripted line in the entire movie, and one that will never lose its value, is delivered by Runkle. Yeah.

When the Irish nanny is bathing his child with Charlotte and I've spoken about this before but I just wrote it down because I had to say it tonight. I want to be on the record with this. The funniest line in Sex and the City 2 is when their child, the younger one, Rose, picks up the

detachable shower handle from the bath and it's as the child is picking it up and we know that the nanny is braless and she's wearing a white top. And you can all see where this is going. The mic was like two steps ahead of you. The mic just pointed to your chest.

Love that. For all the people listening to this after the fact, the microphone pointed at where my breasts would be. Should be. As a sidebar, there's a funny thing Tim said to me when we were watching the movie. He said, well, we got tattoos after grown-ups too, so to up the stakes, the logical end point for this

would be if we went and got boob jobs. It's just very Sex and the City, I thought, as well. We're not doing it, just heads up. This just in. As if you're worryingly shouting out the word no, just very Sex and the City I thought as well. We're not doing it just heads up. You're worryingly shouting out the word no, we're not actually going to get breasts put in. So anyway. So Rose is in the bath. She's being bathed by Runkle

and Nanny. Does the Nanny get named? Erin. Oh man. That's embarrassing. The plebeians who have probably seen it twice know the name. There's just one die-hard Sex and the City 2 fan who accidentally came to the wrong event. Well, this isn't what I expected.

I thought it would be a celebration. Rosa picks up the shower head, not this time, microphone, and grabs it. and as she grabs it Reinkold pre-empting what's going to happen goes whoa he does whoa

what's that going to do cue the showerhead pointing at and spraying the ample bosom of Aaron the Irish Nanny and he goes whoop! It's a good moment. And then nipples, baby.

That's what Sex in the City is all about, man. We went on the Sex in the City tour while we were here in New York City and first of all, it's awesome. Onlocations.com ask for Elise she's fantastic

Elise, yeah indeed. You've done the tour? No, no. Oh do you really? Yeah, yeah she's really nice. Now for people everyone who's not in the room which is most people listening right now, someone in the audience knows Elise so that's tell her we said hello or she could listen to this. Where the fuck was I going with that?

You liked the tour. I had a point and it's gone. It's okay. Don't worry about it. I think you're beautiful just the way you are. Thanks, man. Holes in your memory and all. You're a real sweetheart. You've got beautiful lips

and a funny little goatee Yeah You know the rationale behind that was the beard's not as plump around the sides so I was like I'll get rid of the fuzzy bit and then I didn't, I was like uh oh I look terrible You could either be a guy with an uneven beard

or a guy with a goatee and you were like I'll take the latter Those two exceptional options You could either be a guy with an uneven beard or a guy with a goatee and you're like... Yeah. I'll take the latter. Those two exceptional options. Yeah. Which is a false dichotomy, really, because I should just get rid of everything.

And I will. Just haven't been bothered yet. It's too busy buying knives. Yeah. Could shave with a knife. It's possible. You can shave. That's how people used to shave

Some people do shave like that Little known fact A fun game Tim and I did in the last two watches To make it more fun for ourselves We spoke about it briefly on the podcast Is we got big, every time that Big or Carrie said the word sparkle We thought to replace it with mayonnaise And then tonight

We were pretty much just watching the movie Looking for opportunities to insert the word mayonnaise. Fuck it is fun. I highly recommend that game. So unfortunately the game relies on you watching the movie once so that you kind of know what happens and roughly what's said. And then watching the movie again with that mayonnaise game in mind. But it's a lot of fun if you're Timbo and Guy Guy.

I don't know if it'll work for anyone else. Maybe though, only one way to find out. Almost definitely not. If you're watching the movie, do it with a tub of mayonnaise. It's our hot tip. And at one point, as Mr. Big was saying some

fucking just garbage, as it's his want as a character in the movie. We created something new which is a fusion he's made. This isn't even, he didn't even write this idea down. He just made it up on the spot.

Between marmalade and mayonnaise. And he's called it Mayonnaise Marmalade. And it's going to be available. That is not not a compound word that I would expect you to nail on the first go around. That's really impressive that you're able to pull that off.

I couldn't even complete the thought I had earlier. Marmonade. Mayonnaise marmonades. Fuck, I can't even... That's crazy. It's like apricot preserve... You got a good mouth on you, boy. ...and whipped eggs.

A pretty little mouth. You got a good mouth on you, boy. And whipped eggs. A pretty little mouth. You got a very pretty little mouth, boy. I wouldn't mind climbing in, living between your teeth and your gums. Bit of a little house. Start hanging out with teeth. Sandian teeth. I hate it here on earth. Real fucked up in a room full of people.

That's just for us, guy. That's just for us. There's a moment that we've talked about a couple of times on the podcast before where Charlotte and Miranda are getting drunk in the Abu Dhabi bar where they're in the hotel. And it's got... There's a lot of offensive lines in the film but it's probably

the single most offensive one where Charlotte's talking about how hard her life is as a mother of two while she's, you know, 8,000 miles away from them with a professional nanny and husband who seemingly doesn't have a job either. Runkle doesn't work enough.

What does he do? Lawyer. Yeah, well guess what? Not in this movie. I don't know what version of Sex and the City you're talking about. Based on the clues that are in the movie he could be a professional golfer maybe. Or

somehow just like he looks after nannies. He's Mr Sheffield. He takes a class in teaching people how to furrow their brow. Ah, yes. Which is trademarked, obviously. A crunkle pro. Yeah, the runkle crunkle.

So, Charlotte says, how did the woman without help do it? And Miranda says, I have no fucking idea. And it's just a weird fuck to really like make you sit up and listen as an audience member

it's like oh my goodness they're talking to me and then they cheers the camera and almost like barrel barrel right down the middle and go here's to them and it's just the oh what I imagine the kryptonite of someone with that,

I know they're a fictional character, I realise that, but the gall of someone with that much wealth and detachment from reality who's been existing in this, like, existential cloud-like life for so long, thinking that she even can relate to poor people or just normal people, like stomach churningly what's the word i'm looking for like bad the hubris the hubris of it it's offensive and i don't like it that's not what i'm here to talk about i would have imagined the other one in the

cinema as that happened you know all of them all of the parents who had gone and they'd hired a babysitter for the night yeah you know and they'd spent their money on the tickets and they were really excited to catch up with their four firm friends. And they drove their 1994 Honda Civic there. Just a good family car with good economy. And Charlotte and Miranda, swilling cosmopolitans in a $22,000 a night hotel,

barrelling the camera going, you know who we're doing this for? It's you. It's you, you fucking plebeian. And they put down their cocktail and they break character and they walk towards the camera just pulling the fingers. Just flipping you the bird as a human who exists in the real world. And everyone in the cinema

just removes, because they actually put these in. in the cinemas where Sex and the City 2 was originally screened after the first week of screenings, they put in gasoline, gasoline under the seats and they just take out the bottles of gasoline and they pour it all over the place and they burn the motherfucker to the ground. They burn the whole

goddamn building to the fucking ground. So that one has been talked about a little bit, but the line that really got me this week was, Charlotte says to Carrie, when Carrie is in this 35 minute period

of making every situation about herself, because she's just kissed Aidan. Despite the fact that her friend gets fucking arrested in the Middle East. Shit goes down in the Middle East for Westerners. Sometimes they don't come back and stuff. Things happen there.

So Carrie gets this call. Samantha's going, Carrie, it's awful, I've been arrested. That's probably her one call that she gets. And Carrie's like, oh my god, how do I make this about me while running around? And they go to the thing and they talk to Samantha and they leave her with Miranda because she's the lawyer. And they go to the thing, and they talk to Samantha,

and they leave her with Miranda because she's the lawyer. And then Carrie and Charlotte are sitting on the stoop of the hotel, and Charlotte says to her, no, you know what, Carrie, you were right all along. I've been away for a couple of days, I've got some sleep, and I finally am starting to feel like myself again. And what they're attempting to do in that moment in the movie is communicate to the audience that sometimes you need a couple days off from your kids.

Sometimes you need to get away. Sometimes you need a little break. Sometimes you need to take your three friends, who you're constantly taking days off with to just get fucking wasted and leave your kids with your nanny, to fly halfway around the world to enjoy a free stay in one of the most expensive hotels

on the fucking planet surrounded by manservants who are probably being paid pennies on the dollar as if it's like, hey, you know what audience? You should try it sometime. I reckon it'll do you a world of good. And then before you're even allowed as an audience member to enjoy the absurdity

and just misguided nature of that line, Carrie wades in in her fucking galoshes, which say, Carrie Bradshaw. One says Carrie, the other says Bradshaw. Diamonds up to the fucking knees and says, Oh, I've really fucked up my relationship. Could we please just break from your huge problems at home and talk about me which we've failed to do since we were in a room where our friend was possibly going to be

killed for having sex on a beach. We can't even sit in this misguided attempt to educate the audience and why they shouldn't be going to $22,000 a night hotels to get away so they can recover a bit of their spirit. Real Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants style. We can't even sit in that moment for a brief New York minute because Carrie Bradshaw has got to bring that

spotlight back to her. Fuck it as a poorly written film. She does it before that. So when they are in the room with Samantha and Samantha's got lipstick all over the place. The makeup people have made it very clear this was a lady who they were doing fun stuff on the beach.

Like her and Dick Bott. God knows what. I have a theory from this week's watch that. This is disgusting. I can't believe you're going to share it on stage. As a joke. So the Japanese technicians who built Dick Bott and did so with supreme confidence and skill and programmed him and put him in the Middle Eastern desert

to ensure that he would always be solar powered, he would never run out of battery. Never, ever would he run out of battery. However, if he was to run out of battery, exceedingly unlikely, they put in, just for them, a little jape, a little joke. They said what we'll do

is we'll make it that his dick is a battery pack and the way he recharges is by putting it in a human orifice. It doesn't matter whose, it doesn't matter what. And somehow that's intersected with sex in the city too.

But that's neither here nor there. Are you glad you brought that up now? It's not relevant to the point I'm making, which is that in the room, Samantha has been busted for having sex on the beach. The most illegal thing you could pretty much do in Abu Dhabi. And she says we were only kissing.

And everyone's like, this is a pretty high stakes moment. This is as high as they bother to make the stakes for the film. Yeah. And Carrie Bradshaw says, just completely undercutting any moment of tension or like, wow, I sure hope my friend doesn't get stoned to death in this foreign place. See, kissing is something.

It's illegal. That's what she says. In reference to a conversation she'd had about her five minutes beforehand. That's the best time I've been able to fit in that's what she said into a natural conversation ever. But that is what she said. It was so natural I didn't even notice.

See, kissing is something. It's illegal. Fuck, Carrie. Like, take a second. Take a moment. And more than that, when Carrie tells the girls that she kissed Big and they were like,

oh, should you tell Big? I don't know. Let's talk about it. She eventually decides to call Big and she calls up Big and she's on the phone to Big and Big, as our friends Joseph Moore and Nick Sampson said in a previous podcast,

is very busy in a big building being sad. Being sad in a big building. She sort of starts pleading with him. So I really fucked up. I went out for a meal with my ex-boyfriend and we made out. But worse than that, my friends were like, don't tell your husband. But I was like, get out of it, ladies.

These ladies are villains. I'm a hero. I'm absolutely going to tell my... Don't fucking throw your mates under the bus for your mistake. It's a crazy phone call to big. Like, first of all, he's real stoked because he's figured out the time zone, which we've explored earlier. So he's like, he's excited, he's jived, he's hyped up.

He's like, boom, Carrie's on the phone. I know exactly what time it is. You know what time it is? Time for me to be good at math on the spot. And he nails it. And then Carrie's like, hey, guess what? Kiss Dayton real quick, but don't worry about it because I'm telling you, but my friends told me not to.

Therefore, I'm a fucking hero. Fuck you. Do you know what you would benefit from, Carrie Bradshaw? Some goddamn kids. Ironically, the one thing you are running 100 miles in the opposite direction of, because that would bring you into a zone where you have to think of someone fucking ours. Holy shit, we cracked the movie. It only took 52 times.

This isn't a movie about female empowerment. It sets it up like it's trying to be, but it misses somehow, but that's not what the film is really about. The message of the movie is have kids or you will turn out like Carrie Bradshaw. And that's the worst thing that could happen to you. Catholic Church,

man, be fruitful and multiply. I reckon the Pope funded this thing. Yeah, it's true. If you watch the movie the whole way through before it starts playing again at the end of the credits. Special thanks to... Yeah, funded by the Catholic Church. Pope Francis.

And he's just there doing a... No, it would have been Benny, I think. Old ex-Benny. It was a goodie. Sponsored by Francis Benedict Arnold. You really know your religious figures, Guy. I'm a smart guy. You are.

I've got a big old squee-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-juicy brain. Yes, you do. You've got a boop-ba. I've got a big boop-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Yeah, scream out. Yeah, scream out. Where's he going? Where's the Catholic Church involved? Oh! That is the question that we ask every week. And we're delighted to tell you that some new information has come to hand, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is that the question we ask every week, this week we did something special. This is the question we specifically asked a little-known New York-based actor called Tom Stratford.

The first question we asked him was, hey, Tom, this is going to sound weird. But we've kind of watched the movie you were in for half a second 52 times and would love if you could come and talk to us about it. Yeah. And that was pretty much all the context Guy gave in this message. And he said, if you come, you'll get the hottest crowd in the world. They will scream for you. You won't quite know why, but that's okay.

Just like, you'll be lavished with praise and applause. And he said, no. Yeah. No, don't boo him. Don't boo Tom. No, no, no. He's a working actor. He said he was...

I mean, it sounded flimsy to me, but he said he's on a night shoot this week. He's shooting a feature, isn't he? Yeah, but I don't think... I mean, I've been on his IMDb page. I don't think he is the feature of the feature. Oh, shots fired. Guy Montgomery.

Look, I like Tom Stratford. Some of my best friends are Tom Stratford. What did he say? And the message back? After he said he couldn't make it, I messaged Tom and I said, no problem. Thanks for getting back to me.

If it is possible at all today, I sent this at 12.33pm today, could you maybe give us a brief description of your motivation for this scene? Did you build a character for Coffee Guy? Where do you think he was going to after refuelling with coffee? Thank you. After refuelling with coffee. Our fans would genuinely love to hear this from you.

Thanks for playing along, guys. And so he said... And this is all he said. So cryptic. I'm pretty sure he was spying on Carrie to get information on Samantha's next move involving travel and then report back to Central

Casting for his next assignment I was like Tom, that's not enough why would Central Casting want to know what Samantha was up to? And Tom wrote back She is planning to film a documentary on that country's wealthiest

people in power and Samantha has plans on getting married to one. She also has connections to all the film festival's main men since Samantha has slept with most of them and really wants an Oscar. She will feature the girls under a SAG contract and Coffee Guy wants a part or he will let Central know that she does not have the legal papers to have participants work out of the country. Only coffee guy can get the papers in order by the time they leave. We were so far off.

I love that so much. God, that's good. We're actually fast running out of time. So what I feel like is important at this juncture is to grab one of those little wooden step ladders and get up on the shelf and pull out a little dusty old leather-bound book. Yeah. Open it up, flick through some pages. Undoubtedly.

See what's going on in that book, that big old book, that big old big book that big old bigs book of ideas. Big old book. Every second page stuck together with mayonnaise, every fourth with jizz. He's a grubby guy. Well,

this is, I guess, this is is this his magnum opus? Is this the biggest idea he's ever had? Of course it is, yes. Of course we would save the best till last. Let's just thumb on through some pages and just make sure we've got the right one. He's sticky taped napkins inside the book this week. It's weird.

It's interesting. Some of you are probably disappointed there's not an actual book. Don't you understand? The book is in your mind. So, look, I'm seeing on this particular page, it's a SeaWorld rival called SpaceWorld, where Big takes everyone to the moon

in a crudely constructed rocket and then just like points at crevices and says that they're animals but they're obviously not because nothing's alive on there. That's not the big one though. That's just on some page that I've looked onto. That's just Big got home from Blackfish

and wrote this down. Yeah. It's a weird idea. It's a weird one. It's a hell of a book. There's all sorts of crudely drawn sketches. This one is him on rollerblades with a baby Bjorn and a full-grown human on the front of it.

And it's called Biggs Taxis. It doesn't look legal. It doesn't look like a... Written above it, he's got the words Uber and Lyft with just a cross through them. Like, that solves the problem. So yeah, there are some competitors to being a cab these days, but don't worry, I've put a line through them.

So that business is taking off. That's not the big one though, of course. Here it is, the final page. Yeah, it sure is. And what is prominently featured on there is it's a blade, it's a knife. What else? What else could it be? It's a tub of mayonnaise with a knife suspended within it You see So it's pretty much

Knife and eyes What it actually is And we said this wasn't his but it turns out it is It's the launch of mayonnaise Marmonese And for the first 5,000 bottles sold, he has fastened a very sharp blade inside the tub.

Yeah. This is not mentioned on the label. The other thing that's not mentioned on the label is the marmanese of mermenase. It's got the exact right amount of grease and fat content and citric acid from both the mayonnaise component and the orange component that it sharpens the blade. And then it never dulls it, so it kind of protects it from rust. It doesn't get oxidized, but it just sharpens it up. So to have a blade in this marminaise...

Well, that's because I... Yeah, you're saying it as it's spelt, and I'm saying it as it's pronounced. So that's the... I'm not good if it's not phonetic. I have trouble with the word. Yeah, I know. So the mar is like the ultimate suspension product for a knife.

And basically that's who he's selling to. He's selling to your crocodile Dundee wannabes. He's pretty much launched a condiment preserve knife sharpening That's why they call it a preserve! Because it preserves your knife! No one has known why it's been called a preserve this whole time

until now. Because it preserves your knife. Well, I tell you what, it looks illegal you've got to at least say on the jar there's a knife in here. But fucking all-powered to him. I mean, the guy is bonafide insane.

It's a powerful product. Well, that's probably it. Is that it? Yep. Is this truly it? Yeah. This is a good... No, no, don't yell no. No. You want a spelling bee?

Guess what? We don't normally do this in front of an audience. And I respect the suggestion. I respect your fandom. I will take one word. Warrenson's doing it or Steve? Miranda. Yeah, guy guy I mean Steve

You should spell marmonade mayonnaise Or whatever the fuck It is spelled Wait and you should do a letter of peace between Steve and Warrenson That Can be done and will be done I believe in you as a performer and a talent You have given me the least possible task Can be done and will be done. I believe in you as a performer and a talent.

You have given me the least possible task. And here we go. The word again. Language of origin. Latin. Could I hear it in a sentence? I knew you were going to do that. The mayonnaise marmalade was the best thing for me to put my knife in.

Mayonnaise. In. Mamanase. N. W. Y. Y. Y. Y. Y.

X. X. Mim, nim, nim, nim, nim. Y X Mnmnmnm I'm afraid that's incorrect You have lost the spelling P That's alright I have a very powerful son You've made a very powerful enemy Look That's it

That's the end of talking about sex in the city too. That's the end. Thank you. I know. Thank God. And thank you. Thank Brady. Thank Steve.

Thank Miranda. Thank Carrie. Thank Dickbot. Thank Charlotte. Thank Runkle. Thank Mattress Pikelet King. Thank every, thank Coffee Guy. Yeah. Thank Charlotte. Thank Runkle. Thank Mattress Pikelet King. Thank every... Thank Coffee Guy.

Thank Tom. What we would like... Definitely thank us. Big time. Big time. Big time. What we would like to do is if any of you have come armed with any questions

or conspiracy theories, you would like laid to bed before we close the book. We have a microphone. It looks like we just got one over there. Yeah, there's one microphone. If you don't feel like getting up, though, you can just yell it and we'll repeat it

so we can all hear it. Does anyone have any questions or theories they'd like to share with us and explore? Here in the front. What's your name, sir? Nathan. Hey, Nathan. Hi.

How you doing? Good. I'm good. I got a new knife, son. I'm all good. Do you have a knife? Who wins, Brady or Dickbot? You went big real early.

All power to you. Nathan doesn't fuck around. Yeah, who wins? The knife. I mean, the thing is, and Tim and I have talked about this in all seriousness, we talked about putting it to rest this evening and really figuring out and nailing down exactly who. I mean, you know, when you get biology against robotics,

this question's bigger than us. It's bigger than what we know. It's Brady. Brady wins. More importantly. It is. No, it is. No, no, no.

It's definitely Brady. What you said, though, was I'm not ready to put it to bed because I want someone to create a comic book on the back of it. You can create a comic book out of something that's got a conclusion. Just look at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, that might have been a comic book first, actually. The point is Brady wins. The point is that no matter how clever the machines get

There's one thing that they can't do And that's improvise And do you know who can fucking improvise? Rats They're really good at it Did you see that clip of that rat carrying a bit of pizza down to the subway? That's a good question Is there a dickbot in the room?

Is there a dickbot fan in the room? Anyone reckon? Well this means nothing because this is not how the apocalypse is decided, but just make some noise right now if you think Dick Bot would win. I rest my case.

Brady wins. Brady wins. Brady is the winner. Our Lord and Saviour, Brady the Ripper. The and saviour Brady the Red King The singular Digbop fan was the most compelling argument I have heard for the triumph of Brady All hail King Brady

Long live the King Any other questions from the room? Hello over there Can we talk about the Sex and the City tour? We talked about it in the friend zone a little bit because we've decided to name our mini episodes It was good I got real sleepy on the bus

Is that the kind of detail you're after? I'm sorry? I believe I was on the window I honestly can't remember or thought to take notes. I didn't think this would come up. It was fine. You go through like the East Village, you get to sit on the stoop of Carrie Bradshaw's brownstone,

which is a word that I didn't know existed until I came on this trip to America. People outside of even New York, I don't think that exists. Just a heads up. It was fine. It was quite like, it was a nice way to see a lot of the city we otherwise wouldn't have.

It was also watching... So they pair up clips of the show to where you are in New York City. I feel like we're now doing a paid for spot for on location tours. The fucking New Blaze Pizza. But no,

if you like the show, I could probably recommend it as a phenomenon. It's 45 bucks though. 47 even. Oh, shit. And then you've got to tip your tour guide because you guys love tipping. You love tipping and you love hiding tax on things you're selling.

You're like, this is how much it costs, but actually that's not how much it costs. It costs more than that. Any other weirdly specific questions about the tour from Dodoo asked about that? Are you considering a four-word mock-up? No. Next question.

You had your hand up earlier, coffee guy. They're my favourite kind there's a speculative question by the way I want you to imagine the path to an Oscar for the manservant named Paula I want you to imagine an Oscar pathway for the manservant named Paula

so we're imagining a way for him to get an Oscar got it that's the question okay what's it expecting that's where the full that's not a question that's a that's a request hold on there's a race between does anyone have any questions and we are performing monkeys do you have any requests? I'm wearing the banana shirt. That doesn't make him a monkey. It makes him a guy who likes bananas on t-shirts. When's the last time you saw a monkey wearing a t-shirt with a banana on it? That makes

no sense, Coffee Guy. I'm not going to do the Middle Eastern accent that he has because I feel like that is just asking for trouble. Yes, let's keep the racism in the movie. Good call, coffee guy. You got it. I reckon this might be the real Tom

because we don't really know very well what he looks like and he's actually them. You look younger off screen. I knew you weren't making a feature you lying son of a bitch. There's a difference between the question, do the acceptance speech and imagine the pathway.

Here's the pathway, so much bloodshed. It's like getting to be king when you are 600th in line. So many actors have died for you to be the Oscar winner that year. I beg your pardon? Game of Oscars, exactly. Yes, yes, Rat King. We've got time? Game of Oscars. Exactly. Yes. Yes, Rat King. We've got time for a few more questions. Anyone? Yes.

Yeah, of course you can. Come run up. We'll take another question while you do it. At the back, yes. Are you going to watch the first movie? Oh, we really should have thought of that before right now. Do you want to watch it? No. Oh, we really should have thought of that before right now. Do you want to watch it? No.

I have no desire. Like, I think I've pieced together, it's not like with the Steve Buscemi Mystery Tour where there's like a big nugget of something I want to find out. I'm pretty sure I could guess the movie. And lots of people have told us the big moments like Charlotte shits her pants and

Big and Carrie. Big fan of Charlotte shitting her pants up here in the front. Carrie and Big aim to get married and then like they don't because, actually the fucking tour blew it for that because they show a clip of Big apologising for running out on Carrie. And Carrie beats him with a bouquet of I don't give a shit, they get back together

and there's a second movie. We've not seen the movie already. So respectfully I would say probably not. Yes. What's your name, please? Kayleen. Kayleen. Hi.

Kayleen. Kayleen. Kayleen. Kayleen. I'm begging you, don't ask us about this character. A character you really haven't focused on is Miranda's boss. Ah.

Tom. It is Tom. He is portrayed by Ron White. Yes, he is. Who had a very short presidential bid. Did not realize that. In what cycle? This one.

Oh my God, are you serious? He was running for president. Wow. And he was totally running for president. Okay. There's a lot of what's coming from the room. It's incredulous. That's what I love about America is anyone can just... Yeah, you guys realize your front runner right now is Donald Trump,

right? Like, you can stop with the what. It's very cute, but we're over it. Finish the question, please, Kayleen. Now you realize why I wanted to go on microphone. Yeah. So, he was trying to focus on meth addiction. Okay.

And, like, trying to get rid of that, because... That was his platform. The Q&A has taken a turn. Uh-huh. So, do you think that Miranda would have been involved in his cabinet if he was black? I thought, I thought Kayleigh's... What question would she be? Okay.

Great question, Kayleigh. Give it up for Kayleigh. Give it up. I thought that question was heading in the direction of like, do you think the ACA is doing enough for meth addicts? I was worried. And what would you change about Obamacare to ensure that people get help? We were going to have to hilariously improvise a serious solution to meth addiction.

Look, I think my experience of that person is simply the character of Tom and I think he would make a more wonderful president than Trump who's the current Republican frontrunner and I think that he would win and I think that Miranda would be in his cabinet and I think that she would be

the great Secretary of State follow up to who the fuck is it at the moment? John Kerry, yeah. It seems interesting because in the movie they do not have a good working relationship at all. He is a big old juicy sexist pig who says

Miranda, frankly your breasts are getting in the way of your opinion get out of my office. So to sort of counterpoint Tim's opinion I don't think he would I don't think Miranda would work in his cabinet because A she would never ever want to work for that guy and B

he wouldn't hire her I don't even feel like we need to answer the question what you've done is you've couched a really fun fact in a question so let's just leave it there so thank you so much Kayleigh that was awesome didn't know he was running for president that's great. Step forward. How you doing?

I'm good. You said Tim Guy like we're one. I like that. I'm going to use that. My name's David. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, David. My question is more of a kind of factual.

Let's say you woke up tomorrow with two years worth of amnesia. You've forgotten all about Sex and the City 2, Grown Ups 2, and you stumble into a double feature of both films, which do you imagine you would hate the most? Good question.

Very easy answer. There's no doubt in my mind that it is Sex and the City 2. We said at the start of this podcast, it's too fucking, it's so long. It's so long. It's so long. Yeah, completely. We said at the start of this podcast, it's too fucking, it's so long. It's so long. It's so long.

It's long. It's long. The movie. How long is it? It's too long. What is the defining feature of the movie, Tim?

It's fucking long. I was going to say Liza Minnelli. The only, the only reason why Sex and the City 2, if you listen to like the first episode of this season, was so palatable is because we've watched Grown Ups 2 52 times.

But if it was a one-to-one, and we hadn't got the history of what we've become, we weren't the monsters we are today, I would definitely, yeah, absolutely. Sex and the City 2 is a much worse movie. If you think about them, say, as not that snakes fight often, but two snakes who were wrestling, Sex and the City 2 would strangle and kill grown-ups too.

And accordingly is therefore the greater of two evils and the worst film in a very roundabout, not really functioning analogous analogy. I don't know what the word is. I'm running out of words Does anyone else have a question? We've probably got time for one more The final question

Make it a belter sir It's the final question I'm going to hit myself Try and curtail this You wanna do the whole thing? I don't know So we actually follow each other on Twitter I'm the guy that works on Fight the Conchords

Hey! I don't know your name So I actually have a question from Jermaine Clement Apparently your name's not important Go on It's not, it's Stephen It's pretty common Hey, your name I actually have a question from Jermaine Clement Apparently your name's not important, go on It's Stephen, it's pretty common Hey, your name's important man My name's Stephen Steve, ladies and gentlemen

So, you know, I had a conversation with Jermaine about you guys You're crouching so I feel like I have to as well I just noticed I'm mirroring your body language in a show of empathy. Now it's a real power play. It's a levels thing. You're up and I'm down. Go, Steve, go. I'm going to maintain eye contact.

So, this question is more from Jermaine than me. Sure. You're a very good vessel for it, though. I know. I know. I'm ready. I'm doing the hobbit size now. Yeah.

He would like to know whether you two would be up for a rap battle with Light of the Conchords. No, fuck no. What are you doing? I see you perched up on that chair. Yes, obviously. Okay, I'll let you know.

Thank you. Just drop a bomb like that, Steve. That's a fool's errand, man. You just ran into that. He legitimately really good. Brett has Grammys, doesn't he? We're not going to rap battle like he's got Grammys.

He's got what? An Oscar and a Grammy. You're going to hurt yourself, dude. Get off that chair. I'm not going to hurt myself. You're bad at this. Get off the chair. I'm not going to hurt myself. You're bad at this. Get off the chair. I'm good at this.

I've been standing here longer than you've been eating hot meals. I think we... Okay, everybody. What's going to happen? We're going to take a quick intermission. It's going to be 10 minutes. You can do wheeze. You can do poos.

You can buy a drink. You can smoke a cigarette. You can buy posters, limited edition posters that we've printed for this event specifically from the merch table. The people selling the posters are our lovely girlfriends. Because we're bad at organizing things. Because we're bad at organizing stuff. So please be lovely to them. They are beautiful and helpful.

And I love you, baby. And I'm coming home soon, we can put all this behind us, season three, what, me hanging out with my girlfriend, season three, will you guys entertain yourselves,

we're going to go take a break. Yeah, that's what's up. The posters are $12. There's no hidden tax. I've never sold out harder than I am right now. So, look, what I'd like to say to everyone in the room right now is you're beautiful, no matter what they say. Guys' lack of words can't bring you down.

Thank you so much for coming. If you feel like leaving, do. If you feel like sticking around and seeing Guy and I do some stand-up comedy because we've got two festivals coming up and we need to sharpen tools, we would invite you to stay. That'd be super lovely.

But please give yourselves a round of applause for being part of history. And we will see you guys. There will be a season three. Thank you. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. Season 2.