The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Forty Eight - XXXL Pool Party

Episode Date: January 31, 2016

Guy and Tim are surrounded by summer. Deciding to open their hearts (and the studio door) to the surrounds welcomes in a bunch of neighbourhood kids cooling off in the pool and the sounds of cicadas. The Knife is also back in the co-host hot seat this week. Regular segments checking in with Brady, Dickbot and everyone's favourite big ideas man, Mr Big combine with discussions on Obama's weed smoking habits, Borat and Jamie Oliver. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bye. It's the worst idea of all time. Season 2 with Tim and Guy. Hello and welcome along to another exciting episode of the worst idea of all time. Episode 47 is brought to you by Big Pipe Broadband. If you're in New Zealand, get it in ya. Bigpipe.co.nz. It's awesome. There's no contracts and they don't throttle your speed, cause they're good people. Or your family, bitches!

They ain't throttling no one around, yo. That's right. Is it 47 or 48? Oh, 48. It's definitely one of the two. It's 48. High five, buddy. Happy birthday.

Inching closer to the half century. It's not a word I use often, but I feel like this movie has disrespected me. I also feel like the first thing I'd like to say actually is I hope I never have a relationship with a human being like the relationship I have with Sex and the City 2. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry to cut you off on that thought, guy. You might be hearing some background

ribble-rabble. This is kind of like the spiritual sequel to Slumber Party, which was sort of themed as well. This is like a pool party because my next-door neighbours have got a pool and the kids are just going hog-wild out there.

That's right. They're going absolutely ballistic. They've been having a good time for about an hour now. We've been locked up in this humid Auckland afternoon. It's so hot here. I know a lot of you guys are in the snow and stuff because you're in the east coast of the United States, but I'll tell you what, peachy keen over here. Listen to those kids.

We've been cooped up like a couple of chickens in a pen listening to the bloody next-door neighbor's kids over at Splash Palace. They've been playing nothing but top 20 bangers and clangers and pretty much doing the dopest tricks. At one point, one of them got out a boogie board and was like, check this out, and went and sort of tried to surf.

It's not even a big pool. It's dangerous if anything. It's super dangerous. But the excitement on the other kids, like the other kid was like, no way, no way, no way! I wanna do that! Yeah. Believe it, folks. They're having so much fun. In fact, so much fun that within 15 seconds of their arrival and joy,

Tim mumbled quite loudly, fucking kids. And I turned to him and said, were you doing a gag? And he said, no. I'm genuinely turning into an old man in my old age. Hey, we're joined by one of the most popular co-hosts that we've had on this show before the knife is back folks knifey

yeah it's true obviously you can't see what's happening but Tim's wielding a knife he was practicing his thrusts during the movie yeah I wouldn't you know I wouldn't um this isn't a flick knife, eh? For something to be a flick knife, you've got to be able to just...

Yeah, it's not a flick knife. So what is it? Is it just like a concealed knife? If you put it in your pocket. Right now, it is not a concealed knife. That is a... The blade flips out. You know, I was thinking about it

because I was watching you practice your thrusts. Do my thing. And you've got some great thrusts. I'm not uh as a measure of time passing uh i don't fear you with a knife like i did when you first brought it out and that's i think that's on account of uh i just know you uh infinitely better now that makes me want to stab you because it's like you feel like you've got my number and I don't like that. I don't like people thinking that. I'm not getting it twisted.

I know who's got the knife in the room. Yeah. All I'm saying is... You would do well to remember that guy, Montgomery. I think it's odd that you want your friends to be threatened. Not necessarily threatened, but I just don't want them discounting the possibility of you stabbing them. I think that you're going to stab them, but you just like them entertaining maybe the possibility

that at any given moment you might. It's the implication. Thank you, Dennis. Always sunny fans out there. This watch, man, this movie is massively disrespecting us at this point. It is in a Victorian era

biting its thumb at us. In a modern era, it is putting its cock and balls in between its legs and then giving us that moon. In Shelbyville, it's pointing at us with their right index finger and ushering down it with their left index finger while saying, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot. It is a deep cut. Yeah.

Deep Simpsons cut. Yeah, it's... Fuck. What's to say? It's not playing nice anymore. The reason I wouldn't it's... Fuck. It's not playing nice anymore. The movie's not playing nice anymore, you know? It's playing rough and tumble. It sure is. Playground rules.

Why I would never want to have a relationship with a person like I do with this movie is because if this were to be a person, I would just... This is worse than not liking something. This is refusing. This is like blanking someone. This is like refusing to even engage with them.

This is pretty much giving a person the silent treatment I feel like. I just can't communicate with this, you know. I can't get through to it. It's crazy. Is that worse than hate? Nothing is worse than hate. And I don't mean nothing is nothing. I mean nothing is in like dullness. It's worse than hate. Nothing is worse than hate. And I don't mean nothing is nothing. I mean nothing is in like dullness is worse than hate. Yeah, I think so.

If it's in a situation where you could cut out from your life and you choose to maintain the dullness instead of just saying, like, frankly, I think it's gone toxic and we shouldn't be in a room together anymore. The cicadas are really adding a summery vibe to this. I dig it. What we did is we were like, look, there's two ways. We didn't,

this was what happened to my head. I didn't verbalize any of this. There's two ways, there's two ways to deal with an outside pool party at your next door neighbor's place. You can either be furious and rail against it,

or you can just get on board and go with it and mic up the pool party. Yeah. So we've just got a microphone hanging outside the studio pointed in that direction. Sometimes, in my cans, some of those noises

like the kids having fun are coming through so clear I'm always wondering about the legality of what like is it strictly speaking is this legal yeah totally absolutely, to mic up your neighbours yeah, if it's on your property

sure so you could hypothetically put microphones all along both of your fences? Yeah, it's an interesting question. Don't know. Don't know the answer to that one, Guy. Not sure. I'm sure it's fine. What a quandary.

Well, it's going up either way. And if the kids hear this and figure out how to process legal action against us for doing it... I say good on you. All power to them. Let's learn those kids are our future. Yes. Yes, indeed. Only four more episodes, man.

Are you excited by that? I'm pretty thrilled. I am pretty thrilled. Thrilling. I'm pretty thrilled, but it doesn't have the same, the ramp up to finishing Grown Ups 2. And excuse me for speaking in sort of in reference to the other movie but it's it's just such a different the whole thing's such a different sensation now

with grown-ups 2 there was a real like excitement and like this isn't that was like it was reaching boiling point and then there was a joyous explosion and the whole thing sort of culminated and it felt like it was not worthwhile but you know it amounted to something but the certainly didn't pay off yeah but sex in this well it paid off it was fucking electric we got to go to los angeles oh yeah i know yeah yeah yeah but yeah and then um in this circumstance it's like we're just it's just deflating like it's not i'm not bursting across the finish line. I'm limping, battered and worn. Pretty much scraping myself over from the bare nubs I have left of fingers

because I've been through all the nail cuticle, the top two knuckles. That feeling you're describing just popped into my head. It describes perfectly, I think, how we both felt watching grown-ups one after we had like we had this big blowout and like had such a cool finale it was all done and then was the next day i think it was the very next day um we watched grown-ups the first one hung over as shit in this darkened hall at UCB which was kind of cool and under any other circumstances I'd be like oh wicked but it was just like a dredge it was yeah that was

I would say even in the context of Sex and the City 2 probably the most like depressing one that we've put out it was so flat it was fucking grim but this is like I think do you know what I'm speaking about when I say it's not I wouldn't say I'm excited

Just Defiantly pleased That I know I'll be rid of it This Yeah This dead weight In my life

Yeah Are you trying to pick up What they're saying You look like you're listening in I'm sort of listening more To the cicada I'm just wondering if you... This is a good party, man.

This is like the biggest episode. This is not that good of... This is the biggest episode we've had. We've got kids co-hosting. We've got the knife on. I don't think this is a good party at all. A cicada is in the mix now. When you put all of those elements together,

if the police, for instance, show up here, you've mic'd up the neighbours. You're sitting in your bloody little outhouse with a knife, practising your thrust. It's not a good look to them. Oh my God neighbours you're sitting in your bloody little outhouse with a knife practising your thrust it's not a good look to them I'm accessory too this is a freaky image

but what you've got to appreciate is the cops can't come in here without a reason is that even true in New Zealand? I feel like I get a lot of my legal determinations from watching television and most of the shows we get here in New Zealand are from America. There's some shit turning around the neck.

It's really starting to kick off next door at the pool party. What did you think of the movie this time, Guy? This 47th watch of Sex and the City 2. As I've been trying to describe earlier in this particular episode, I didn't much care for it this week, Tim. Should we get into some shining lights? Let's try and pull up. You know?

Okay, I'm not necessarily armed with anything. Yeah, I am. Can I go? Because you've written yours down and I might like more than I would if I get mine. Mine was Miranda. She does, when Carrie's talking about her relationship with Big on the jumbo jet airliner,

which is the size of a, you know, a jumbo jet. Pretty big which is the size of a jumbo jet. Pretty big. Big airplanes. Carrie's explaining. The jumbo jet that is the size of a jumbo jet. That's right. I can see why this podcast is doing so well. Is it an accurate description?

Yes. Does it paint the picture I was trying to paint? Yes. Job done. You know a jumbo jet? Think of that, but instead of a jumbo jet, a jumbo jet. No, you know a jumbo jet. You know something about the size of done jumbo jet think of that but instead of a jumbo jet a jumbo jet no it's you know

a jumbo jet you know something about the size of a jumbo jet okay you think of a jumbo jet you've got it okay go on sorry guy montgomery's three-step process for communication go on say the same thing three times what i'm trying to tell you is carrie's explaining uh big's idea for their relationship namely that they should spend some more time apart. Yeah. Because the thing's gone. Which, when you put it like that, doesn't sound like a great idea to float to your wife.

Yeah, I can see why. Well, you know what would improve this marriage? Less marriage. That's what I'm gunning for. That's right. And I think this argument and its insistence on showing up week in, week out. I mean, you know, I've said a lot of bad things about it, but God bless its grit and determination.

Nothing if not tenacious, this argument. It rears its fucking ugly head in your beautiful home, Tim, every week. And frankly, if I have guests over, look, you can leave your problems at home. Check them at the door because you're in my house now or my friend Tim's house. We're trying to have a good time together. I don't know how many times I have to have this chat with you. It's a shining light.

You're supposed to enjoy the bit of the film. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm about to tell you the bit I really enjoyed. All right. Which was, so Carrie's describing

what Big's pitched in their relationship to Charlotte and Miranda. Kim Cattrall's already gone to bed. And she says, Big wants two days off. And there's a shot of Charlotte

with some sort of verbal response, spoken response. And then there's a passing shot, a glancing shot, you'd almost call it, of Miranda in which she just ever so gently turns her eyes from left to right to signal intent to carry that she's listening and open to this conversation. But it's not even like the shots on her, eh? She's kind of over someone's shoulder.

I'm not sure if it's a double or a single. It feels very brief. I think it's for the connoisseur to observe. And I think it was a classy touch. I'll tell you one thing about Cynthia Nixon. She was a real joy to work with on this film.

She was a real pro. And that was my shining light. Mine would have to be, and I can't believe I've missed it up until now. I'm pretty sure I have. The bit where they're going dress shopping for Samantha for the premiere, and the sales assistant says,

isn't that dress a little young for you? And it's that shot of Carrie. Sarah Jessica Parker just does a non-verbal cue. It's kind of like this, it's kind of like a grimace almost, and she juts her jaw, the rest of her face doesn't move, but she juts her jaw to the side.

So it's almost like she's gritting her teeth, but just in one action, and her mouth is open. So she's like, er. And it's great, because it just communicates so perfectly the uncomfortableness of that situation and the fact that she knows Stormcloud's coming. And lo and behold, it does.

Oh, absolutely. Because Samantha's next line is, exactly how old do you think I am? And what does the South Assistant say to that? Nothing? I'll see if they, I think she checks for sizes or something, she sort of I don't think she says anything, and then Samantha

says, for your information I'm 50 fucking 2 and I will rock this dress That is a good bit of that's really good sass, and also yeah, as you said, well telegraphed by Carrie Hey look, good from Cynthia sorry, from Kim Cattrall as well.

I like her delivery in that bit. Yeah, Kim was actually a real, she was a real joy to work with on this film. Real pro, I'd say, I found. Real pro. Real pro to work with. Now, speaking of jumbo. Much like the knife.

Jumbo, yep. There he is. Still there. What's the last thing you cut with that knife? Good question. I feel like it was a bit of rope, but it's not coming into my head immediately what rope I would have been cutting.

It's not that sharp, to be honest. It's like impressive looking. It's not that sharp. Is that... I don't know. A blunt knife is as scary because like it's... A blunt knife is more dangerous. Yeah.

Oh, what's his name taught me that? Thingy Bob. Bear Grylls? No, British chef who's always on the tally swearing at people. Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. Love that, dude. It came over to you...

Oh, no, it was Jamie Oliver. Sorry, actually. It was Jamie Oliver who said that. He could not be a more different personality. They're both British chefs. They could be... What you've seen as invalid

guy no but I said personality oh yeah that's true Jamie Oliver said like you know

dull knives are the dangerous ones those are the ones you've got to look out for because they don't go where you point them alright dull knives

what I'm going to do here is dull knives are the dangerous one I don't know who you are my wife Jules my wife Jules Guy My wife, Jules. Guy and I were just discussing how Borat

is experiencing a renaissance of sorts. It is a real time of renaissance. Renaissance. Second coming. Not renaissance. What am I trying to think of? Renaissance. It's like a second coming. That's right. Because it's been just enough time now and it feelsissance it's like a second coming no yeah I think that's right because it's been

just enough time now and it just it feels like it's popping up in a lot of places the last six months yeah no wave someone had their wifi

called my no wave which is just oh that's on the nose tasty speaking of jumbo jets you're dead you're dog

pardon I was going to say dude and then I got sidetracked by dog This is something that we Thanks for the Campari by the way Guy brought Campari to this pool party And it's adding a real refreshing beat to the whole thing If we're going to watch our kids have a swim in the pool

The least we can do is get shit drunk And moan about our bosses at work With a knife Not necessarily Anyway sorry you were saying Jumbo Jets Yeah Can we pretend that Jumbo Jets Oh no wait what's that song

I can't remember what it is Oh Shooting Stars I could really use a wish right now Wish right now I'm going to stop sidetracking you because I've got nothing of value to offer Wish right now Jumbo Jets We haven't really spoken about this

before but when uh they walk into their cabins yeah uh aboard the i mean the plane is it's plus size i know where you go i would use the word jumbo if i could yeah uh triple xl i think jumbo does the trick quite nicely let's's not get it confused, Tim. And they're walking it. And I mean, these cabins are huge. Yes. They are the size of sort of retail stores in a mall. Yeah, it's like a triple XL seat.

Yes. That's how I'd describe it on a plane. I think so. Just for consistency's sake, I think it's probably handier if we just call it a Jumbo seat. But, you know, neither here nor there. And adorning Carrie's head. And we really haven't spoken or made

enough of this because it is truly... We've talked a little bit about the other headpiece in the wedding. Yes, but this one is, I mean, it's that classic are you wearing the hat or is the hat wearing you situation. She's pretty much wearing like a melted down, dyed version of the sorting hat from Harry. Like it's so, it's about, it's as wide as the aisle.

Yeah, like if I was picking a size, I would say triple XL. Yeah, I reckon, yeah, it is big, undeniably. I think all the way down the gate towards when they board the plane, I would say it is a XXXL hat. But once she is aboard the plane, it does just, I think, for the sake of clarity for everyone involved, I would probably describe it as a jumbo-sized hat. But the thing is genuinely... You can't see this, listener.

Every time Guy does that, I'm shrugging my shoulders at him in a dismissive manner. As if to say, if you like. It's crazy. And she also, she walks onto the plane and... That hat is fucking ridiculous.

It's all crumpled. It looks, it's like tinfoil. It's like someone got 50 metres of tinfoil and constructed a headpiece out of that and she's got it on. And that in and of itself is fine. Wear whatever hat you want. I mean, by all means, it's your head.

Decale your own kneecap. Decale your kneecap, Carrie. But then one of the hostess, the stewards, sorry, they are walking down the aisle, and she welcomes Carrie to the flight, and Carrie says, I like your hat. And the steward smiles, and she welcomes Carrie to the flight and Carrie says I like your hat and the steward the steward smiles and she continues walking and then Carrie vindicated by this ambivalence

towards her choice of headgear turns to the gals and says and I was worried mine would be too much there has been not a life raft of hope for the hat she's wearing from yeah yeah she's she's it's like she's gone insane and she's heard she's so confident that the person she's talking to is about to say i love your hat too that the fact that no one has said it doesn't change her next course of action absolutely and i thought mine was going to be too much it is, no one is negating that it's completely true it's like they wrote the line of dialogue the response into the script and shot it

and then cut it out of the final edit as a stitch up which is like what they do with Cynthia Nixon as well with the Spanx line yeah absolutely what is the line for that again? I've tricked my body into thinking it's younger.

And then Miranda says, I've tricked my body into thinking it's thinner. Spanx. And then there's a beat to absorb the silence and tanging of the joke. She bombs so hard. Boys and girls listening, you don't appreciate how much she bombs with that line.

She gets nothing. There's a thing in stand-up comedy where if you're filming a live show, and if you don't mic up the audience, no matter what happens on stage, it just looks like you're fucking bombing because it's like no one's reacting. And it's like that. There's no reaction. There's nothing. There's not a giggle.

There's nothing. And then they just move forward with the conversation. There are a surprisingly large number of scripted gags in the movie which are treated with exactly the same response, where it's like they don't just let the... They make a point of hovering on the joke just long enough for you to be like, yep, that tanked, and then keep going. It's so weird because it's script's scripted and edited it's not

like either a live performance or a live broadcast it's like there are many opportunities for this to not happen and it's exactly the same thing this is supposed to be the characters that we love that's the thing it's not like they're doing something that you were put on a villain or someone you're supposed to hate in the movie but But these are our heroes. And they do it again with names. They're constantly getting their manservant butler's names. Is it Garo? Is it Garan? Well, I actually do that thing, which is when you meet somebody...

Oh, we've got an aeroplane co-hosting at the moment. Newest member of the pool party. It's the... Is it a helicopter? I think it's a copter. Certainly up in the skies. It's an exciting party. It is pretty exciting.

It's certainly a good authentic soundscape. Isn't it? It's an interesting talk bed. You should just record this as General Atmos. I bought an album, like a record,

several years ago called Relaxing Sounds. It's six tracks, three on either side and it's like a bubbling brook. That's nice. A Sunday afternoon. Like the rainforest. And it's got little blurbs for each

place which describe the sound and what's happening. And this would be a great bed for like a sunday afternoon like suburban suburban jungle yeah exactly and but the description for the sunday afternoon was like and it was like blah blah cricket's chair birds birds singing uh you know relaxation and in the distance the sound of a lawnmower can be heard because listening to someone else do work is also relaxing.

That's nice. I had an app that did that. So you got to go down and select what you wanted in there and mix how loud each thing was. So you created your own soundscape and there was some dope stuff in there, man. You could do some buzzy stuff with that.

There was like, so it was kind of rainforest, like rain coming down onto a canopy and then you could combine that with with monks chanting real quietly in the background, and then a bubbling brook, and then a fire crackling as well, have that coming over the top. It was fucking excellent. The fun thing to do is if you've got your eyes shut,

you try and imagine the visual image of the setting that you've set. What's even better is because it's like an app trying to cater for everyone, they've got like real urban stuff as well. So it was the noise of a dryer going off. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it.

Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. at onepeloton.ca slash running. So I'm like, I'm in this forest

and these monks are waiting for their drying to be done from the machine and they're just forming a chant circle. Keeping themselves warm on a fire. What I was trying to say though, Tim,

is the way that they treat... Dropped my knife. That's a big of a... Bit of an uh-oh. Is... Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. One distraction, two minutes. I'm so sorry.

No, no. Oh, they treat the, like, they don't learn the names of the people, like, in the script. They've scripted the names. Yeah. And it's like none of them have the confidence when saying them out loud. So they do what I do when I'm not sure about the pronunciation on someone's name who I might have met or I'm not comfortable asking again. Which is, I'll pronounce'll pronounce it like three different ways with supreme confidence over the night.

So at least once I'll get it right. And the other two times, there'll just be a cloud of uncertainty hanging over both of us. That's good, man. It's good hedging your bets. That's me sort of making it up on the spot in a social situation. Sure. This is a script.

You are in total control of whether or not the characters know the people's names and we know that the director is also the writer of this film he's there on set this dude wrote it he's gonna know if you got any questions just ask mattress pike king he's right there that's right screaming at everyone lying on is it grow is it garon is it smith get it or is it smith get it oru? Or Smith Jarrett? Jarrett, yeah. Smith Garrett. Because it's said both times. Smith Garrett. Smith Garu.

He's French. Yeah, my uncle's French. Look, Tim. Hey, someone complimented us on our southern accents recently. Really? Yeah, and he was from Louisiana, from memory. First person ever. So many people gave a shit about the quality

of accents on that. That's fair. You're a lot better at it than I am, that's for sure. I don't know about that. I wouldn't... Take the compliment, man. I don't throw them your way often. Just take it. I'm not comfortable taking compliments from a man with a knife. It feels like you're giving me a favour or like I owe you something. Yeah, yeah. But

what I was going to say is i don't think necessarily they're the most accurate accents but you couldn't fault the um the commitment that was unheard of and frankly unexpected yeah uh what i was going to say though tim is you don't want to drop the knife on the ground because there's a little like oil slick there and you could scoop it up and you could scoop it up oh no don't want that to happen before you know it i'll be if you got the flu you know what to do don't go to school don't go to work you stay in bed you drink chicken soup or if you don't eat chickens have some vegetable soup. It's good for you. Scooby-Doo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Bongos Solo.

Where's he going? That is a cool hat. Is the question. He's obviously, coffee guy came into the film this week, adorned in, it looked like he'd been at university recently. The first time we've not seen him in his traditional garb of a business suit,

reading the newspaper. He came in wearing sort of one of those big faux dreadlock hats. You know, hats with dreadlocks built into them what? yeah and I don't know what you're talking about

actually faux dreadlock hat they're like people wear them as oh wait yep yep yep I've got in my mind's eye

I think what you're talking about I wonder what that's called is it kind of like a beanie but then it's got the dangly bits but it's like a it's like a combination of a beret and a beanie

right yeah it's when people are trying to appropriate reggae culture they will do you know who wore one of those? who? the oldest daughter from the Cosby show I'm so

now we're going back because I haven't watched the Cosby show since I was a small child but I'm pretty confident she wore one they explored her going into a real liberal artsy zone. And I think she kind of... As a character. As a character.

And I think she got into poetry and shit. Not Rudy. The older one. Can't remember her name. That's so Raven. That is classic Raven. That's a Zach Galifianakis gag. What? That's so Raven. Ah, that's a Zach Galifianakis gag. What?

That's so Raven. That's his show. No, I know, but his one's like, someone's over here doing something. Oh, right. And I'll think, that's so Raven. That is so Raven. What were you saying?

The hat. Oh, fuck knows. Oh, look, yeah, he's come in wearing his big old hat and he's carrying some bongos. It looks to me like the guy's in a rush to get back to the university campus for a game of hacky sack down by the quad.'s carrying some bongos. It looks to me like the guy's in a rush to get back to the university campus for a game of hacky sack down by the quad. Because mama loves bongos.

Mama loves bongos. Tequila! Tequila! Scooter B Knife solo look we could go all day but yeah that's that's my theory uh it was muddied at the start it took a while to get through i think that he's enrolled in in uh university and he just he's having a great time on campus he's meeting new people he's making new friends he's having a great time on campus. He's meeting new people. He's making new friends. He's exploring a side of himself which he's suppressed for, I don't know, nine, 40-something years.

Unbelievably, this watch, this 47th watch... 48th. 48th watch. I saw something that I had not seen before and that was the fact that coffee guy pants to the camera that he's reading the culture section. Or at least the culture section

is at the front of whatever he's reading. That's what we see. Coincidence? I think not. I think not. Absolutely not. So he's gone to university to make something of himself. Good on him. I don't think this is the first time

that he's done that, actually. Yeah, that last time he kind of got in with the wrong crowd and started moving around in some pretty, sort of just not very motivated circles. Started smoking weed with some guy called Barack who was just a demon, absolute fiend. The guy could mow through a bag of ganja like no one's business. Used to have this thing called total absorption

where he would hotbox a car, say, or a small room and no one could leave until the smoke was absorbed by humans, the humans in there. I'm not even lying, say, or a small room, and no one could leave until all the smoke was absorbed by humans. The humans in there. I'm not even lying, man. That's, like, that's a thing. That's a Barack thing. The other thing he would do is, because he was real good at basketball as well,

is he'd be in a weed circle, apparently. This is, I can't remember what I read this in. A reputable magazine, though. And he would take a path. The joint would pass around like two people. Then he'd switch places where he was, run around the outside of the circle, jump back in, grab the joint again, and just yell out intercept and take another hit.

Are you making this up, or is this true? No, no, this is true. This is true. Oh, seriously? Yeah, yeah, yeah. About the President of the United States of America. Barack Obama was a sick cunt That is hilarious

That was his days In the What is it called The Chum Gang Chum Kang I think it was called I don't know man He was a massive weed smoker

Apparently back in his college days Good on him Yeah man Do what works for you Barry That's what I say He doesn't mind if I call him that. We're close personal friends. President Barry.

Donald Trump has got such a tiny little mouth. Yeah, but he tries to scoot it out all the time to make it look bigger. He does that whole, like, pouty duck face thing. Yeah. We had an ad campaign. There was a product here called Burger Rings, which are, like, small, very orange kind of barbecue-flavored circular chips, thin rings. And there was briefly a subset of that product called Burger Ring Minis.

And they were the same thing, only much, much smaller, sort of a quarter to a fifth of the size. I never saw Burger Ring Minis. Regular Burger Rings. Okay. And there was an ad campaign that came with this product, which was some policemen sitting in their car uh eating burger rings on duty and they just had tiny tiny little mouths like proportionately sized to the mini burger ring that's awesome and uh what a good campaign yeah i feel like i was thinking about it today actually i feel like the only reason the product must have been launched is because someone

was like i've got this idea we have to shoot it. But yeah, Donald Trump, every time I see him speaking, I think of, he's got a little, it's perfect for putting a little tiny chip in. And it's not holding him back, is it? That's what I like. He's got some obvious physical defects and it's not holding him back a jot. He's just like...

Huge mental defects and still... Yeah, exactly. He's getting out there and doing his thing. He's trying his hardest and it's working, you know? Support democracy, guy. You don't have to agree with the man to agree that the fact that he's allowed to participate is dope. Yeah, look, I...

Obviously, he's a baddie in, like, a classic cartoonish, villainous sense. John Mulaney did an excellent bit on Seth Meyers recently about this. And I think he was referencing a very old bit that he used to do that Donald Trump is basically what a homeless man would do if he won Lotto. Like it's his depiction of what a very rich man should be. He's like, oh, I've just won a billion dollars.

I'm going to build really tall buildings and put my name on them. He's like, oh, I've just won a billion dollars. I'm going to build really tall buildings and put my name on them. It's just a real cartoon, Monopoly guy villain. He absolutely is. But yeah, and his opinions are devastatingly toxic. But the level of distance I have from here to America and the fact he's got such a funny little mouth and the things he's saying is so ludicrously offensive

and dastardly that it doesn't seem real I genuinely can't look at, there's a real hyper reality to it, I can't think of him as someone who is actually a contender in any way to be like the whole thing is just so far fetched, it's like a parallel universe

it's an alternate reality what a time to be alive hey so i can't take him seriously i can't even be seriously i can like get very fucked up with things he says but i can't be seriously outraged with the guy because i'm like i do you know without getting too deep into this i actually reckon that's why he's doing so well because it's like people kind of like you can't hold them to the same standard as other people because he's obviously nuts so if he says something because for ages it would be like he'd say

something offensive about women or Mexicans or Muslims or whatever and the press would be like well this is it he's fucked it now this is the end of his ride and then his numbers would just go up and it's because I think his supporters just go like oh yeah but you know it's because he's not a real...

Yeah. There's some subconscious element of like, yeah, but he's a cartoon character, so you can't throw the regular standard down. He speaks in narratives. He's like a baseball. You go out there and you hear people saying, they're saying, Donald. He's like... I am the best.

He doesn't finish any sentence ever. In the middle of every sentence, he defers to some idea of a group of people who are coming up to him and saying, it's important what you're doing. It's like clinical insanity. It's incredible. How he talks is really incredible. It's pretty awesome.

I feel like we got a little bit off the beaten path with that jazz riff. Yeah, not wrong. You're not wrong there. I'll tell you what I would like to do, and that is travel up a big building that doesn't have Donald Trump's name on it, because there is a big old, dusty old, leather-bound book I want to open up, Guy, with a shoe. And it has gotten an embossed golden letters on the front of it.

Big's Big Book of Ideas. Oh, dairy me. it big's big book of ideas oh dairy me this is um frankly this book is it's dog to call it dog ed would be doing it a disservice it is it's been run ragged put through the ringer so to speak it's gone through the wash i feel like he never like the only time that's not on wash in the jungle and the dryer that they've got that's right that's the cleanest you're just as a side note this episode is also partially sponsored by... It was a mean bomb. I didn't even see that, but I could just hear how good that bomb was into the pool.

Yeah, I was surprised not to hear more fanfare from the spectators going, Ha ha ha, that was sick! They're over it now. That's how I, like, desensitise to awesome bombs. Fucking hell. Kids can swim for so long. When you're, like, under 10, you can go in the water, and then that in and of itself is enough.

That's a day. That's like nine hours. You have to be told. You will be shriveled, like a third of the size you got in. Your lips will be blue. You cannot speak for the chattering, and you'll still be like, oh, I'm not ready to get out. It is fucking insane.

And now as an adult, even in the sweltering heat. You go out for 15 minutes. Max. I'll put my body under the water. I'll float around. I'll swim maybe like however many laps I can before I get bored of it. And then I'll just get out. What is the secret?

I don't know. Do you think it's the sense of weightlessness? And it's like they're still enjoying the sensation of their body being, having like a different form of control over your body when you're a kid though you're way more weightless

than you are as a human because you've got less weight they're so light doesn't make any sense guy I don't know what it is no I don't children are just better at enjoying things

they really are god bless them they are our future a child a child would never do anything as arbitrary as what we're doing which I think is a core to their happiness Well it's because they don't have commitment and I think that's probably a good thing

Yeah Because with that childlike naivete if they committed to something huge it could destroy them That's how you want to harness the power of children which is frankly one of the only remaining ways that we can

activate an army of warriors to prevent Brady and his army of rats. Which is precisely what Big is banking on with his latest Big idea. Talk to me. Big has essentially got a bunch of kids and

you're going to have to just check your ethics at the door for one moment because there is a greater good here he's basically got a room full of children and hooked them up to a series of electrodes to measure their brain activity and he's basically trying to figure out through a series of tests how they can remain so optimistic and how they enjoy everything so much like being being in the water and he's trying to find a way to harness that pure enjoyment to add it to a competing ai that's going to take down dick bot because he's run the math he's he's done the equations and he's figured out

this is big i'm not saying this is the complete truth, but Big has figured out himself that Dickbot is going to win against Brady, and the only thing that will take down Dickbot is a better AI. He's run the... Run the numbers. Seriously? Yes, dude. The fact that he's...

What do you think he's doing in that big room of his with the two computer screens and no keyboard? He's running the numbers. I guess he's... I've never thought of... He's hiding in plain sight, because I've never thought of what is actually going on behind the facade of working the market.

Yeah. What he's done is he's rigged up a series of computers that are supposed to be used to figure out where the stock market's going and stuff, but he's kind of inserted his own code in there to try and figure out. He's chucked an algorithm on there to figure out where the stock market's going and stuff, but he's kind of inserted his own code in there to try and figure out. He's chucked an algorithm on there to figure out who's going to win between Brady or Dickbot,

and it's come up Dickbot, and he can't have it. He couldn't have Brady either, to be honest. He just needed to figure out which enemy he needed to vanquish after the battle for him to reign supreme, or at least get some neutrality. This is where things become incredibly interesting, because what's a... Mr. Big is not a government agent, is he? No, he's a free man.

Yeah, in the same way that Brady and Dick Bot are, you know... Well, to be fair, Dick Bot was created by... That's true. The Americans? No, the Japanese. No, the Japanese. In a response to what America did during World War II. Yes.

Correct. Look, the thing is, if Big is a single agent or whatever, an agent unto himself, He's like Batman. Yeah, he's a vigilante.

How would you feel about Chris Noah as being Batman? I feel like first of all, that will never happen. And if it did, it would be... Not now that we've got all super serious with our comic book movies. Except for Deadpool. God, I'm holding out hope. Yeah, you're really looking forward to that. I think that should be a good time too.

But no, more that if he ever is Batman, it will be like in a reboot of the Adam West camp series of Batman. Like, there's no way they're going to give him the keys to a proper serious Batman. Yeah, you're right. He'd be worse than Clooney, and that's saying something. Yeah. I've lost my train of thought.

So. Oh, what I'm asking though is that if he's an agent unto himself, a vigilante if you will, what gives him the right to harness, to do what he's doing, in essence? Well, this is the beauty of it. He is answering only to himself. This is the cool thing about big guy Montgomery. He doesn't wait for someone to say,

the world's in trouble, we need a hand with this, he's got spunk, gumption and initiative and he takes this upon himself because he's a responsible soul he doesn't want to see the world burn to ashes around him at the hands of a rat king or a Japanese

contrived artificial intelligence inserted into a machine at the cost of however many Children who enjoy themselves Going for a swim or whatever it is they do With their free time We'll put the kids back They're not dying

They'll lose all sense of childlike wonderment They're potentially not going to have a great time While they're in there That's all I'm saying I feel like I don't doubt But there's a greater guy in there. I don't doubt that he's capable. I just question that.

And you told me to check my ethics at the door. I certainly did. You've got to apply a bit of utilitarianism to this. I guess it comes back to the knife thing. When you're talking about someone showing moxie and taking initiative and you're flicking a knife back and forth as you say it it's just the marriage it's sort of it goes from being about mr big to the guy recording the kids party practicing his thrusts with a blunt knife well all i'm saying is don't be an Emmanuel can't be an Emmanuel can if you know your ethical theory

for philosophers of yesteryear I did not and I am devastated because I can only imagine how satisfying that would have been not for you, but also in the conversation. Jesus, I can't wait for this to be over, guys. I really can't. It's going to be so good. That's right. I'm pumped about New York as well. Yeah, and we actually have a progress and an announcement to make.

Do we? Yes. Cool. We have... Good car noise. That guy's excited. He's racing off. This guy's racing off.

This guy's racing off to buy tickets because our event is about to go live. We will be doing the last ever discussion around the god-awful sex in the city 2 at the Union Hall in New York City at 10pm. On March 3rd. On March 3rd, that's right. 2016, in the year of our Lord. As soon as the link is live,

we will put it on our Facebook page and tweet it out. And moreover, we're going to do it as a double bill. A double billing. Double, double bill in a way. A double, yeah, that's right. It's going to be a triple,

it's going to be... Quad bill. What's happening is we're going to do the podcast. Put a fucking pin in that and then to celebrate, we will both be performing half an hour of stand-up comedy

for your entertainment if you so choose to watch it. It's so selfish because it is the definition of preaching to the converted there's no way we'll get an honest read on of any joke we tell in that crowd is good or not. There's more

to performing jokes at stand up comedy Tim than measuring them against the crowd and their value to you personally. I don't know if that's true. It's the only reason I'm doing it. You put the knife down,

it's making you weird and schemey-like. Yeah. So that's very exciting news. We can't wait. And the main downside is that the capacity is not huge.

I think there's up to 100 tickets. I don't know. It's New York City. How many people listen to the podcast? At least 100, surely. I would wager. Yeah. It's definitely true.

I've seen the stats. I'll bet you $10 American dollars. And if I'm proven right, you'll have to give it to me on stage in front of the 100 paying Americans. No, don't drag me into this. It was you who said it in the first place no way man yeah but i i you know don't attach money to this it's just a friendly bet between you and i that being said we will be attaching money to the show yeah because it's costing us a lot to fly over it's not cheap getting to um the states from new ze Zealand. It's not the cheapest. New Zealand's so out of the way.

That's the issue. This is the thing, though. It's the same price either way. America's as far away as New Zealand is from America. What? Look, all I'm saying is a jumbo jet is the size of a jumbo jet. It's been a real pleasure talking to you. Yeah, you're a real joy to work with, Guy Montgomery.

We'll wrap it there because I've got to go camping now. I'm off. That's exciting. Yeah, it's going to be great. So, look, hey, you listening out there, I don't say this often enough, but I love you. I think you're cool. Don't let the fact that I'm wielding a knife at the

moment sway you. I'm a good guy. You want to hang out with your old mate Timbo. Your uncle Timbo swaggering into the bedroom just as you're resting your weary head. He knows what he's doing with that knife. This isn't his first knife rodeo. Don't you worry about it. And then his reassuring

but slightly unhinged friend Guy following him through the door without a knife saying, I love you too, and for the love of God, Tim, get out of here and stop wielding that knife. Thank you very much to Big Pipe, bigpipe.co.nz. Seriously, if you're in New Zealand, like, get on it. If you're in New Zealand and with any other internet provider and afraid that maybe a member of the company

or a family member of the, you know, someone from the company's family member who knows them is going to come around family member of the, you know, someone from the company's family member who knows them is going to come around to your house and, you know, break in and throttle you. I can assure you that Big Pipe, they've got a very strict policy, actually, vis-a-vis throttling in the house and out of the house. And that is, there'll be none of that.

Thank you very much. It's a good gag. Bye, everybody. It's the worst gag. Bye, everybody.