The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Forty Nine - Specters

Episode Date: February 7, 2016

Oh boy, the lads are on the floor, beaten down and the ref has started the count. While not quite out of the fight yet, Guy and Tim are severly injured and mentally damaged. How many Hulk Hogans can stop a comet? What is the game of Cub? What is Coffee Guy's true origin? What was King from Tekken? Only one way to find out folks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the Worst Idea of All Time podcast episode 49 My name is Tim Bett My name is Guy Montgomery And this truly feels like the worst idea of all time This is the end This is the end, my friend No, but it's not Not quite yet, but we're getting ever so tantalisingly close

And I tell you what, it couldn't come any sooner Because that was one difficult viewing That was, uh That was just There always is Spectres and ghouls Yeah They've started haunting me

And you Tim Anytime that movie's on You're kind of at the mercy of the worst parts of your brain That's where the spectres and ghouls live In the worst part of your brain. That's where the specters and ghouls live. In the worst part of your brain. Don't you think? There's a psychology to it. Because when you're at your goodest, you're fine.

And then when something like this comes along, you get down to everything and suddenly you're left to your own devices and it's not good. Your brain goes to the worst place first. Where does your brain go? Because it just, it kind of just goes to a, not a place of sadness, but like a sort of a very reluctant place of,

it's like your brain just goes up in arms it leaves i think it's the short answer it packs up and fucks off this is the only part in it and then you you're just there's not a lot of times in your life when you're an adult, when you're just left to your own unguarded, core, raw self without any mental defense. And more specifically, there aren't many times when you're sent to that place and have the whole experience underpinned by Sex and the City 2.

I feel just before we get onto the Sex and the City 2 bit which I think is very valid considering it's more or less the crux of what we do here there's something very it's regressive it takes you back to being frightened as a child there is a unique vulnerability to being in this kind of emotional state you don't yet have

the toolkit to be able to deal with frightening situations you don't have the knowledge of the world to figure out that it's all going to be okay you're just a little kid rocking around the world very scared because you're a kid and you don't know that things generally work themselves out at that point so you're just like subconsciously in your head you're kind of like it could all end at any moment I'm aware of the concept of death I know that some people's lives just end therefore maybe mine will at any time For any reason. I got lost in the middle of that metaphor. Are you a child who is afraid of death? Or are you a child who doesn't know to be afraid of death?

I am a child who is afraid of death. With that unique rawness of being a child. You know when you're an adult afraid of death. And you have a few tools in your toolkit to be able to rationalize it away and be like the stats are that i'll live to be 75 and do you take comfort in the idea that the stats say you'll live till you're 75 yes you do yes do you not no i don't really mind how do you mean you don't really mind like do you mean like if you dropped dead right now that it'd kind of be

fine is that what you're saying yeah well like I I mean it wouldn't have any impact on me it would affect a lot of people around me but well if it was a sudden yeah that's true if it was just all of a sudden you got hit by a comet

that'd be a good way to go I think that would be a fucking if it was just all of a sudden you got hit by a comet. That'd be a good way to go, I think. That would be a fucking exceptionally cool way to go. You'd be like a small version of the movie Armageddon. Or dinosaurs. Or a small version of dinosaurs. How much muscle mass would you have to have to absorb the power of a comet and not have anyone else die or any other part of the earth

be impacted no less than 25 Hulk Hogan's 0% body fat 25% Hulk Hogan and 25 times a Hulk Hogan I think I'm not sure that even one Hulk Hogan could carry the weight

of a comet that managed to get through our atmosphere unto himself. No. Doesn't feel like the math on that. If you dream it, it's good. You can do it. I am at my most vulnerable right now.

I want to give some context to this episode. This is so raw. Guy came to my house fucking chopped, as we say in New Zealand. Like, very, very hot. Very weapons hot. You've been having a great day, eh, Guy? Yeah. What were you doing?

I went out to the beach. I played a game called Cub. What's Cub? How do you play cub it's uh it's like a weird sort of scandinavian wood throwing it's like petanque but with a little bit more strategy and teamwork oh yeah it's like there are two teams they line up five wooden blocks along their baseline and then you have throwing sticks and you want to knock over the other team's blocks. Cool. And they want to knock yours over and then you earn a right to throw it at the king cub

or the king kunta. That sounds awesome. Yes. It's really fun. And yeah, there were other rules in place to ensure that anyone who was struggling with the game would be appropriately punished by imbibing more alcohol than is 100% necessary. Now, let me throw a question at you.

With the unique experience of your day today, who of the four main characters from sex in the city 2 do you think would be best equipped to be a really killer cub player well it entirely comes down to who do you think has the best hand eye out of the four gals and i think expressly, I think it's either, I think Samantha. Why? Well, the first thing I thought, I didn't immediately think Samantha would be good at it, because there's no evidence of any of them playing any sort of ball games or, you know, anything to suggest that they'd have good hand eye, but I thought Charlotte presumably

wouldn't be good at ball games. I was going to call you on the first time you said ball games and try and make a sex pun, but I was a little too slow. And now I haven't made a good joke, but I just wanted to flag that it exists. Yeah, you flagged it. Congratulations. And then I thought Miranda, at first I was like,

oh, Miranda would be good. And then I thought, I don't't know there's no evidence to suggest that and so okay well Charlotte's definitely not going to be good let's go process of elimination on this Charlotte's not going to be good I don't think

Carrie would be good either so we are left with Miranda and Samantha. And I think, like, out of the two, I am going to go Miranda as well. I went Samantha. Ultimately, but you dwelled on Miranda. All right, well, I guess we're split. We're absolutely split.

I just think Samantha would have the self-belief to just force herself to be good. I'll buy that. I'll buy that. I'll come over to your side of Samanthaville. It looks lonely where you are. It's gin. And there was an episode in the first season where I drank a lot of gin, I think. It didn't end well either.

I think it was the day after you drank a lot of gin, I think. It didn't end well either. I think it was the day after you drank a lot of gin. Oh, it was too, that's right. Bloody hell. How quickly we forget, eh, Monty? How quickly we all forget. I can't believe we've only got three more watches though. Oh, two more? Three more, two more.

Three more. Three more, fuck. That one more still just makes me disappointed. This is going to be a sweet release. I think this is a real crawl over the finish line, though, rather than a salubrious. You know how often when you see really long-distance bikers, they'll do a big hoop play where they throw their hands in the air because they've got a little reserve energy

but when you see like marathon runners or whatever they're just fucking crawling over the finish line, we're going to be marathon runners in this bro, we've just run one of them ultra marathons we're dehydrated husks of humans and it won't be a celebration when we make it, it'll just be a sigh of relief

that it didn't knock us off yeah that's what 52 is, that's what that finish line looks like for me when we make it, it'll just be a sigh of relief that it didn't knock us off. Yeah. That's what 52 is. That's what that finish line looks like for me. Just a crawl. And after 49 kilometers, I couldn't in good conscience disagree with you. Wouldn't it have been good if while we were doing something negative

like watching the movie every week, we were also doing something positive like going for a run every week and we'd add like one kilometer per week to our run so by the end we were just fucking amazing runners i feel like it'd be tough if you were focusing like if you're consciously increasing by a kilometer every week you're kind of that is the central focus of what you're doing you're training and you're running and the movie is secondary and i'm not like i i'm not saying it's a counterweight yeah separately to the podcast i see just like i'm doing this harm to myself every week but also i'm running and i'm going to run an extra K every week.

We talked about that very early on, the things you could learn to do. Yeah. And the way you could spend your time instead of watching Sex and the City 2. I've decided recently I'm very keen on learning piano. Yeah, it's tough. Do you have any grounding in...

I played a little trumpet in high school, so I sort of learnt the basics of how to read music And I played drums as a kid as well So I know a little like, you know, percussion and what not So there's a little something there You learnt how to play the drums with a trumpet from memory Yeah, I would hold two trumpets in my hand And just sit on the kit and just bash the

shit out of different pieces very expensive it's a terrible way to learn if you're poor which i was bankrupted my family trumpets and drum kits the timpani story it's also the second trumpets and drum pits trump kits and drum kits was the name of the second album by, what was the band? Mr. Big's band? Intergalactic Glory Hole. I was going to say Machine Gun Jaskuzi, but that was a different band.

That is a good band though. Machine Gun Jaskuzi sounds a little more metal or something. What are they? Yeah, metal. I don't know. I feel like it's just a cheap knockoff. I think they mostly played Machine Gun fellatio covers, but they made them metal songs.

There's a band that didn't get its juice. Yes, Guy. We're doing this together, but don't you feel alone? I do when you fall asleep like you did this episode several times. I wasn't falling asleep. I don't know how many times I have to explain the way that I absorb my art to you. Well, try one more on the mic this time. we'll try one more on the mic this time my body was so focused on absorbing the art that it it communicated to itself the only way to ensure maximum connection was to have it

be absorbed because my uh sentient being couldn't interface with the movie, it thrusted upon itself to absorb it through meditation, essentially. So what do you look like sleeping was, in fact, me mainlining the movie. So you were at maximum absorption? Yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't expect you to understand. Well, I don't because it's predominantly a visual feast and you had your eyes closed that's the real bit that's true mate

I think that's where the big difference of opinion comes in because you still think of this movie as only being able to be consumed visually whereas the level that I'm at I'm sort of I'm looking at different ways of getting it into my system

namely through meditation alright okay this is a product comprised of audio and visual you've cut off the visual so what you're telling me is you're listening really hard to a movie at this point that's what you're telling me no, that's what you're hearing what I're telling me is you're listening really hard to a movie at this point. That's what you're telling me. No, that's what you're hearing.

What I'm telling you is that I am absorbing, absorbing. I'm doing a whole new thing, which is similar to absorbing. I change out one of the consonants. Absorbing the movie from a higher place. And if what you hear when I say that is I'm only engaging with the movie from a higher place and if what you hear when I say that is I'm only engaging with the movie orally then that just tells me you're not ready to go to

that place with me well I'm sorry for being a junior in this look you're a toiler you're a scrapper, you're tenacious I'm a screw up but that's what I am You are

I ain't nothing but a low-down, dirty, horrible, yucky screw-bop-bop Screw-bop-bop You are You're something people hang off the side of their boats So that they don't rub up against other boats Disgusting, dirty, filthy Screw-bop-bop Dirty, filthy Scooby What's he doing? Why is he drinking gin?

That's the question that we're all here to answer today. And the answer is simple. As always. It's never been hard. It's always been answerable. Ain't that the truth? When it all comes down to it, these questions that we ask ourselves and each other on a weekly basis are pretty simple to answer.

What would force a man to drink coffee at record pace and in record amounts on a school day? and in record amounts on a school day. And Guy, within your question lies the answer. What would force a man? A man, that's the key operative word there. He isn't, is he? He's not a man. He's not a biological entity at all.

For Coffee Guy, who weaved for the last weeks and weeks and months and months, and seasons even. For nine years. We've spent seasons doing this. All four seasons. We have informed you on this guy's backstory, and some would say, how can all of these things be true of one man? That seems impossible.

And I say unto you, Coffee Guy is not a man at all. For he is a competing robotic entity comprised of nanobots. Who is trying to take Dickbot down and he is gathering intel in a cafe. DickBot down and he's gathering intel in a cafe because he has such advanced algorithms that he understands somehow that Samantha's going to meet him, but he hasn't fully worked out how yet. And that is what he's doing. He's gaining intelligence because he is one of our last ditch defenses against the great AI known as Dick Bart.

Does that mean he was designed by the American government? This is the crazy thing about Dick Bart. We know the origin story of Dick Bart. We know the origin story of Brady. The thing about Coffee Guy, which is what i was supposed to say the crazy thing about coffee guy is he is otherworldly he's been placed here by aliens because the aliens understand that if dick bot is able to take complete control, he will basically liquefy the planet to turn us into resources to replicate himself. What interest do aliens have in preserving humanity?

Aliens love biodiversity. It is their fucking jam. Love biodiversity. It is their fucking jam. They love naturally occurring changes in species vis-a-vis evolution. They don't like fucking around with that GMO shit. They love organic processes. Are the aliens more developed than us? Do they have more advanced technology?

Absolutely. So, arguably, Coffee Guy should... I mean, if you're talking about aliens in 2015 designing an automated being through nanobots. Yeah, except, hold on, wait. And you're pitting it against the 1970s. Well, let's hold on. Let's get the year right.

1940s. Because when did the movie come out? 2010. Okay. So you got Aliens with technology from 2010. When do you posit that Digbot was made? Probably the year before this movie came out. I'm thinking 2009.

He's been out there for about a year. So, because he was made by the Japanese. So they've been sitting on this resentment. No, wait. Wasn't Dick Bot made by the Americans? Or was that a trick bot? No, Dick Bot was made as a response to the American

to America's ills in World War 2 Do we not say atomic bombs on this show? No we do, but I was keeping it broad Okay good Finish your thought. Well, I mean...

There's a problem with the years, you think? I just think it's unlikely that it was only designed... Like, it was designed, you know, 60 years later. It seems like there's a long time to sit on some resentment. Wait, from who? Japan. Bro, the Japanese know how to hold a grudge. Let me tell you that.

They know two things. How to design an internal space in like a house or whatever to just make it baller as fucking hell, even though you're living in a shoebox, and dose to hold a grudge. Those are their specialties. Sushi comes in a shoebox and dose to hold a grudge. Those are their specialties. Sushi comes in a close third. And I still, the issue remains

if the aliens have more advanced technology than us humans, surely Coffee Guy triumphs. Ten times out of 10 it's comparable but it's more advanced but I cannot stress enough that Coffee Guy hasn't gone into combat here he is like in a defensive

mode he is just trying to figure out where Dickbot is to shut him down at this point in time and his predominant lead is Samantha yeah he's obviously like he's obviously got

some sort of plan because you know at the epilogue where he's having sex with Samantha that is a good 11 months after the

encounter with coffee guy but there'll be a reason for that guys here's the thing man I'm not going to pretend like I've got all of the answers I'm just a fallible human caught up in a war between a man who is in charge of all of the vermin

in New York City of the vermin in new york city of which there are millions an artificial intelligence created by the greatest software engineers on the planet and an advanced alien race i am not even a pawn i am a mere humble ant observing an intergalactic scale game of chess being played atop the plane on which I live. I cannot affect it, I can barely comprehend it, and all I can do is report what I see. And that is what I do. You are a noble ant.

An ant who knows their place. are a noble ant, an ant who knows their place. You understand the limitations of being an ant with regards to some things being greater than you. And I appreciate the intel that you have gathered on the storm that is a brewing. I salute ye, fair ant. You've got to be very self-aware when you are an ant because there's a lot of vulnerabilities about a bird might try and pick you or there might be a rival ant from a different colony that's trying to wipe you guys out.

So you've got to be on your guard. You've got to know your limitations. you've got to know your limitations you've got to know when to hold them when to follow them when to walk away and of course when to run do you think that the livelihood of it the life of an ant is more stressful than that of a human uh yes i do because i think with being a human at least the life that we seem to lead, there are moments when we're not in peril. Maybe that's a false assumption, maybe not. But I don't think ants have even the false assumption of being asleep in their house and being like,

you know what, I'm cool for the next eight hours. I know there's no threat to me here. An ant is always under threat, and they are acutely aware of that. So they're just like constantly stressed. Oh, that sounds exhausting. It is exhausting. But the other good thing about ants is they're very strong on doing things

for the greater good. Team players. Go to the colony. God bless them, everyone. Now, Guy, I'd like to talk to you about our shining lights, and I would like you to come forward first. I'd like you to take the first step into that gorgeous amber spotlight.

I don't remember the exact phrasing, but as there is a flashback when Carrie recounts first meeting Charlotte in New York City when a homeless man flashed them on the subway. They are walking towards camera past a fountain and there is a moving van or something similar to it in the background, a large van and printed across the body of the van. It says, not exactly this,

but something along the lines of Bible justice. The best kind of justice. I think it's Bible justice. And that was my shining light, that van, and the promise of whatever that person is delivering. If they're delivering Bible justice, then they've presumably got lions in the back of the van. They're just releasing on sinners.

On non-believers. Those bloody Romans. What's a non-believer called? A heathen? I think a heathen is someone who actively does stuff that's bad. It's like Gentile, but I don't know what the Christian version of that is. A heathen? I think a heathen is someone who actively does stuff that's bad. It's like Gentile, but I don't know what the Christian version of that is. Me being born and bred a Hasidic Jew and all.

A secular pussy boy. That's the term. That's the one. That was my shining light. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. was my shining light very good very good very good very good my shining light was toward the very, very, very end of the film.

When Carrie and Vega are talking about the wedding. Seriously, dude. I can't cut your mic and I will cut it. Stop. What's the point in doing anything if you're going to do that, you know? What's the point in doing anything if you're going to do that, you know? What's the point in doing anything? I'll bring on my other co-host, the knife, and see how you feel about that. It's too dark for the knife.

There you go. You've started talking again. God bless you. I can't even remember what the shining light was specifically, but it's them talking about the wedding. It's probably the vows. I think that's what I gravitated towards. You liked the wedding vows. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

Oh, you like that. The vows that were in or supposed to be in the first movie, which we haven't seen, but it's alluded to once or twice in this movie. Are we going to watch the first one? I was about to ask, do you have any desire to see the first movie? None whatsoever. Yeah, I don't really care. I don't give a shit.

I just don't fucking give a flying fuck about these people. I'm still not invested. That's the hilarious thing. Hey, Mattress Pikelet King, fucking a hot tip here. Here's an email coming your way. Priority one, dog. Subject line, check this shit out. I've seen your movie close to 50 times

now and i'm not invested enough to even want to see the first one what does that tell you oh mr pikelets first of all thank you for your delicious product which i love to eat with jam and whipped cream yes secondably hold on for a second what kind of jam boysenberry yes you're correct you got it right of course i did i know this man's pikelets the post-traumatic mattresses which you provide are not only fantastic for my back but uh they're also just giving me some of the deepest and most enjoyable sleeps using the sleep app on my iphone it's called sleep app near yeah get it yeah because it's it's not actually an app that tells you information about sleeping it's an app that mainlines all of your social media feeds and it taps into the anxieties you have in your brain it's a very stressful app

anyway that app is having no effect on me because the post-traumatic mattresses that you provide and saying that yeah i think you've spent too much of your time on Sex and the City 2 working on your mattresses and pikelets. Yes. And not enough. And also, obviously, instilling the monarchy in the United States of America. And not enough of it. Hold on, hold on. I missed that.

What? King. Oh, okay. Yep, yep, yep. Gotcha. Or, alternatively, introducing, like, cougar-human-wrestling hybrids. Tekken? Oh, very good, very good, very good.

He was obviously a tiger. You don't need to bring in an obscure jungle cat to that. He wasn't a tiger. Yes, he was. No. He wasn't a cougar, for crying out loud. He was closer to a cougar than a tiger. He was a tiger.

He was not a tiger. I might meet you in the middle with Jaguar, maybe. Jaguar. Or a leopard. There you go. But he didn not i might meet you in the middle with jaguar maybe jaguar leopard there you go but he didn't have there you go he did have spots he didn't have stripes i'll tell you that all i'm trying to say is that mattress pikelet sinks shouldn't have made this movie i say this you, with supreme authority. Yeah, I think we're the most qualified party to be able to weigh in on this one,

if you don't mind, if you just give us a second. And hot tip, the verdict's in, and the verdict is this should not have been made. Should have been made. I would like to throw this over to Paul Scheer and his gorgeous wife and Jason Manzoukas and say, hey, guys, crawl over this one because how did this one get made? June Day and Rayfield, how did this get made?

You can't answer that question. There's no good answer to it. It got made because people wanted to get paid. Shit, that's pretty good, man. Hey, thanks, bro. That's really good. Thanks. You know how it dude, I just.

So bleak. Do you know who else wants to get paid though? Tim Bette. Nope, not this guy. I don't give a shit about money, dude. Money can fuck off. Money comes and money goes. There's only one thing I want to do.

That's hang out with my boy, Gar Montgomery. That's all you want from life. That's all I want from life. That's terrifying. We're doing it. Let me tell you somebody who wants the money. His name rhymes with oil rig. Mr. Big. He's got a big book huge with huge big ideas huge book huge ideas it's all massive it's all massive all the time and we're gonna open it up we're

gonna climb up that ladder in his personal library, pull that book off the shelf, that leather-bound, gorgeous tome of ideas and concepts, put it down onto the oak dining table, dust it off, blow it, blow the dust off, blow that dust off.

We're going to open that up onto a random page and we're going to find one of them ideas, one of them gorgeous ideas. Exclusively written in felt tips. All it says. Ice cream sandwich? Spaghetti hat. Yes. It's terrifying.

It's a lot of colours he's written it with five felt tips at once so it's sort of got a depth effect or like a you know a shadow effect so what he's doing there guys is he's going

foods can be more than the thing that you immediately think that they are if I say the word ice cream to you in your head he's going, foods can be more than the thing that you immediately think that they are. So if I say the word ice cream to you, in your head, you're probably thinking ice cream in a cone, right? You're thinking of a hot summer day, ice cream in a cone. That's usually what I'm thinking, yes. Maybe you're thinking ice cream in a bowl. Maybe if you're like an adventurous, inventive person and you're creative, you're thinking

of like an ice cream sundae, maybe something quite elaborate. There's like a banana split involved and some whipped cream, whatever. But do you know what you're not thinking about? You're not thinking about a fucking ice cream sandwich because that took a true revolutionary to combine the concepts of an ice cream and a sandwich and put them together. What Mr. Big is doing is he's suggesting to you

that spaghetti doesn't just need to be spaghetti. Every now and then, spaghetti can be a hat. There are times when that is called for and appropriate, and you should do it. I think there's a religion. The flying spaghetti monster. Pastafarian. Pastafarian.

They wear colanders on their heads. So that's different. It's similar, but different. I feel like what he's trying to get at here is, you know, because of those ice cream sandwiches. First of all, never come in bread. So what's going on there? You could get away with white bread as well,

with ice cream in there, eh? That'd be good. If you had, like, a bit of lightly toasted white bread and you put ice cream in there, that'd be a pretty good sandwich, I would think. You could make fairy bread. Yeah. And then put ice cream inside it.

That's a yummy little ice cream sandwich. It's delicious. Salivating thinking about it. Are you? Yeah. I think what Mr. Big's trying to do, so he cooks the spaghetti and then he lays it out flat on a chopping board

and he takes like a cube. It's not a cube. It's flatter than a cube. A square? A square or a rectangle of ice cream. Right. He puts it on top of the pasta. Right.

He wraps the pasta around the ice cream so that the ice cream is entirely sort of, it's covered up by spaghetti. Yeah, I got it. And then he sort of, like a lasagna topper, he puts it in the oven. Complex. He bakes the ice cream into the spaghetti. Complicated. And then he takes it out and he puts it on his head.

Shit, man. That's some next level thinking. God knows what he's doing. I feel like he might have lost, he might have finally lost his mind. I can only hope that he knows what he's doing more than we do. So there's like, there's a motive here that we're not quite getting, but he's fucking,'s doing more than we do so there's a motive here that we're not quite getting but he's on top of it. He's a smart guy.

He's a smart dude. He's off his goddamn rocker. He's out of the house. He's left his rocker at home. He's off it. That is a stone cold fact. Listen dude. I'll paint a picture for you listening. We're in pitch black darkness again

similar to slumber party it's pretty late at night I'm pretty ready to put a pin in it and I think we're gonna do that fuck you me? me? alright do you wanna

expound on that? nah I like you Me? Me? Okay, alright. Do you want to expound on that? Nah. I like you, but I've got to be angry at something that's not me. You're the only other person in the room. Fair enough. If you're in America, we've got some

pretty big things planned soon, and we will get into that. We'll try and bust out another one of those mini-episodes so that if you don't give a shit about stuff that's not us watching the movie, you can just skip over it. But if you're in LA, we've got a very exciting thing coming up.

And if you're in New York, we were sold out in the event, so we've changed to a bigger venue. So we should have some more tickets on the way very soon yeah we we all the tickets to Union Hall got bought but Fred not my feline friend

you can still buy tickets on behalf of your human compatriots as uh we'll get into that in the mini thing so those who don't give a shit can continue to not give a shit. But I want to say this. I love you guys.

What do you think about me? You're not sure, eh? No, I'm not. I mean well. Yeah, I think I agree with that sentiment And I think I know that your intentions are good But I just My intentions are pure

Kiss me on the floor I wanna kiss you some more We're out of here guys Say goodbye to everybody Hey everyone Take a long hard look at yourself Because if you've made it this far Into this conversation

Something's going on The wiring's off It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. Season 2.