The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Forty Three and a Half - Coal

Episode Date: November 16, 2018

Episode 43 of the podcast was recorded on Christmas eve. Guy was in New Zealand's beautiful South Island, near his family home for the holidays. Tim meanwhile was still in the North Island, interrupting wrapping presents and drinking beer with another watch of Grown Ups 2.They recorded the audio separately while speaking on Skype, with a view to stitch it together at the end. However Guy's laptop crashed, leaving the finished product as a solely one-sided (and rather drunken) wonder through the movie by Tim. The boys decided to record another podcast immediately after and that is epsiode 43. But this is the first, failed attempt. This is the coal in your podcast stocking.Why anyone would listen to this is beyond Guy and Tim's comprehension. But someone asked for it... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Of course, the exciting news is that, Tim, you've still got your audio file, don't you? Yeah, I do. It's here. Yeah, it's here. So, I mean, the option is always there to just release. I mean, that would be a very funny listen because you would sound truly insane. Because it would sound like you're imagining recording a podcast with someone. Feel the moment, love every day Cause before you know it, your precious time slips away Feel the moment That's cool, you're cutting in and out right now, so that's good.

That's promising. Anywho. Yeah, you're in and out, but let me kick this thing off, eh? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Welcome back to the worst idea of all time, episode 43, if I'm not much mistaken. My name is Tim Batt. I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a joyful Kwanzaa, a salubrious Hanukkah, and whatever festival the Satanists celebrate, I want to say Happy Holidays to you also.

Yeah, absolutely. yeah absolutely now what you may notice in this episode if i may just button right away guy montgomery is that um the audio is uh it's going to sound a little weird and the reason for that is because i have watched the movie by myself uh over a course of a lot of beers in Auckland. And Guy? Paint us a picture, Guy. Tell us what the surroundings are and uh what your experience was I'd love it if you would for all of our listeners who aren't in the Marlborough sounds right now

which I believe is all of them. I hear you buddy, I hear you and I couldn't agree more. hmm right I I right, I, it's interesting, because, I know that this is a ridiculous, time in the project, to kind of,

engage with this thought process, but I, I just don't fucking want to watch it anymore, to be honest with you, to be 100% frank, I never want to see this movie again it um is causing me pain every time i see it now uh i don't want to watch it ever again i don't want to hear it mentioned ever again uh and i'll tell you what we actually on that night really missed a trick

last night because apparently in new zealand grown-ups one was playing on a free-to-air channel and grown-ups two i believe may have been playing at the exact same time on a prescription pay-per-view thing on Sky Movies. I've got a bit of a stretch. We've got an analogy of like... You're saying that you're always paying for what you do, and I understand that. I wonder, though,

because I just arrived out of Canada, and on the way, I went to a school that makes alcohol, Oh yes Jesus Okay Jesus. Okay. Mmm. Right. Oh, buddy. Right. I think so.

Yeah. I see what you're getting at. I thought you were going in a slightly different direction with that to be honest because I thought what you were going to say is is it worth watching it for 52 weeks for getting to the end of it and going guess what we never have to watch the fucking movie again we're free yeah yeah exactly um but I mean in the the the five or six days it's not quite the same because it would be to use your analogy akin to going in a week i know this rash is coming back so it's always there it's a dark cloud it's it's on the horizon yeah but you know it's coming. There's something... Guy, do you know what I'd love to do?

I'd love to... That's a lie. I wouldn't love to, but I think it's appropriate to talk about the movie because this is a podcast about grown-ups too. This is a podcast about two men watching grown-ups too too many times. This is a podcast about Guy, watching Grown Ups 2 too many times this is a podcast about Guy

Alexander Halifax Montgomery and Timothy Andrew Batt witnessing Grown Ups 2 the worst Adam Sandler film ever made once a week for a year the only one I haven't seen is Punch Drunk Love and I heard it's really good

I'm pretty sure I've seen every other film. Oh, fucking good point. I don't know how to spell that, though. Is that P-U-R-I-T-I-A-N? Puritan? Okay, cool. Okay, let's hear it. Let's hear how that fits in

because I want to hear myself proved right. I know that it's a cartoonish film, but I mean, it's a lot of reaction. It gives real realistic, large experiences, physical, whatever it might be. Sure. But Raiders, Raiders tickets are running rampant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mm. Mm. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. so your theory is that even within the physical realm of grown-ups too he's a warlock like not even if you apply the outside universe that we live in but within their universe i completely um well i tell you what i'd never put together the timeline to do with the van and the teddy bear but you're dead right on that uh i had certainly had fed into my theory the amount of destruction he's able to exact on the frat, on the frat house in such a short amount of time.

And the fact that he appears to return to the water in a way where I would return to my house. So I feel like he is a water warlock where he lives underwater like Poseidon. I'm going to be in and out a little bit, Guy. I've had about five beers in a pretty short amount of time. What I was attempting to do, quite selflessly I might add, is redraw up some drinking rules because i feel terrible that the first um uh episode where we attempted a drinking game which was a long time ago now i lost the rules i took a photo of it i distinctly remember taking a photo of the page with all the scribbling somewhere but that file i don't know where it is

oh it's it's gold it's priceless but i have tried to recreate the drinking rules because I think it might be a fun idea to have that ready kind of for the new year a little bit so it's it's um we're recording this on Christmas Eve which is all the more depressing than I'm watching Grown Ups 2 for the 42nd time by myself in my house on Christmas Eve but that means in a week it'll still be slightly before New Year's so maybe we can get an episode out with the drinking rules because you know tis the season to do silly things uh and and people can enjoy that and people can use the rules at their own discretion a little bit you know what

i'm saying gee oh god i can't even hear you now i hope your internet hasn't dropped off but i feel like i can hear the birds in the background and i don't know if they're my birds or your birds guy oh god all right i'm gonna i'm gonna run with this thing by myself until i hear back from guy oh no guys coming back through on the old Skype machine. Guy Montgomery. Hello? I think I just hung up on him. We're having a massive blowout now.

In the meanwhile, on this drinking game, it's very important, folks, that in the next episode that comes out, you've got to keep tweeting me to remind me to put the drinking rules up. Because if you don't have them, then you can't play the drinking game. And if you can't play the drinking game, then what's the fucking point in any of this?

Do you know what I mean? And I know that New Zealanders have a terrible culture of drinking. I understand that. Oh, I'm getting a phone call. It's from Guy. Hey Guy, you're on speakerphone. This is turning into a technical nightmare, a travesty.

Yeah, have you taken off speakerphone? And we just had this conversation on the phone. I'm still talking to my computer mic. The last thing you said was that we were recording this on Christmas. I'm not taking off speakerphone. I'm not stopping recording. Give me another call on Skype because I admit I fucked you when you rang just earlier. I hung up on you by mistake.

Just give me a ring on Skype. Okay. All right. This is all good stuff, folks. You're getting the live experience of what it's like to, I don't know, try and put together a podcast when you're on different islands in New Zealand. In Aotearoa, land of the long white cloud.

After a few beers, it's a technical, logistical nightmare. Why can't I hear Guy? That's the real question. Oh God. I'll tell you something for free. Guy Montgomery's profile picture on Skype is is terrifying it's him in a hoodie clean shaven i'm not used to him without the microphone and uh he's just kind of screaming hey man how's it going yeah the oh you're sounding quite metallic there mate

oh who knows mate there's only one way to find out put it all up unedited put it all up such as the spirit yeah oh you're telling me. Well, we'll all find out together at the same time. Guy Montgomery, I think it's... No, I'm going to stop you there. I don't even care what you have to say. I've had enough beers that I'm going to overrule you. And I'm going to say that you need to bring in

a pretty mean theme song to take us to a particular party place take it away guy montgomery How do you combine those two words? No. Jitski and machete. Machitski. There you go. Thank you. I was trying to do it on my head and I could not bring them together,

but I knew that there was a way to do it. Machitski. Cripes What a time we live in Now I've actually got a party A party Schwarzenegger Time If you'll indulge me I wrote it down because I've already forgotten it.

I wrote some notes this time, guy. I wrote a couple notes down. Oh, wait. No kidding, bro. In New Zealand time, oh, Jesus, it's even earlier than I thought. It is 10.33 in the morning. I've had far too many beers.

Okay. So just before, maybe I'm gravitating towards this because the amount of beers i've had but just before paddy gets handed his beer at the quarry uh there's a look on his face where he's he's he's obviously been given the direction by dennis dugan the director to look fierce and uh fuck me does he bring the noise on his face with that he looks intense he looks fierce fierce guy montgomery so it's like if you could bring your mouth back into a snarl you bring your right side of your mouth south as possible um your eyes you narrow and you focus your nose stays relatively the same because it's quite hard to articulate your nose when you're doing facial expressions probably does a little bit

yeah absolutely um so he's yeah no it's angrier than that i know the face you're talking about but it's not it's everything when you're in drama school and i only know this from mates who went to drama school i didn't go to drama school because i don't do drama but you do this thing called big face little face and big face is when you basically you you you you widen your eyes as large as possible and your mouth and your whole face everything just goes as big and as open as possible and your mouth and your whole face. Everything just goes as big and as open as possible. And then you immediately have to go to little face where you scrunch up your face and your mouth goes as small as possible. And you squint your eyes and you bring everything towards the middle, towards your nose as much as you can.

And it's like he's gone little face and pissed off. And it's only on screen for about, I would say, a second and a half, three seconds max, but Paddy looks fierce. Fucking fierce. Somewhere in the middle of that conversation, Guy Montgomery came off Skype, but he rung me again,

and he's back. Don't worry, though, because the podcast listeners heard what I had to say, so don't you worry about it yeah that's going to be a lot of fun a lot of fun for the listeners we've moved so far forward of that, which is why I'm going to take us to our next segment,

if you don't mind, Monty. Oh, okay, okay. Chip right in, brother. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I just say something? Can you make this really long? Because I'm going to mute the microphone and take some really long corded headphones into the bathroom and take a leak while you're explaining this so i'm going to let you run and i'm going to take a

leak so let's hear it guy What does Falonka mean? what does falonka translate to Guy, this seems like the perfect time to remind everyone that our relationship started far before this podcast. It actually started at a TV station that doesn't exist anymore called TVNZU, which in New Zealand was a youth-targeted, government-paid-for station that ran on the whiff of an oily rag uh where you used to present a daily show um with tim lambourne well yeah it was on every day though is what i'm trying to say and i had a regular weekly segment called well it was on every day but it was on every day, but it was on every day, so...

It was on at night time every day of the week, yeah. You bent. I made you bend, I'm so proud of myself, it was, I don't want to, it was your show mate, you call it what you like, yeah, but you wouldn't describe it as a nightly you don't you know what it doesn't fucking matter the point is is that i had a regular weekly segment on there what i would review toilets um a segment which you derided uh every week uh you thought it wasn't important you thought i wasn't important you thought i wasn't important. You thought I wasn't important. You thought I wasn't very good. But the point was, I came every week and brought the noise and reviewed a different toilet around New Zealand.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm trying to catch whatever opinion I give and the expertise that i bring uh to my opinion to my viewpoint you know what i mean i'm not just some johnny on the spot i'm not some vox pop that you got off the street asking about toilet etiquette i'm a full-blown expert with expertise and experience in this area i've got many years isish behind me in toilet-related research. So what I would say is don't make calls on the toilet, regardless of the situation.

Unless you've got a very special relationship with someone. It has to be quite a unique one. But the rule of thumb is, number ones, number twos, doesn't matter. You don't want to be talking to people while you're doing that stuff. It's a podcast, mate. The rules are different. well now we're going to have to now we're going to have to explain why Sargon Pompei would come up on my phone

when you ring me that's what guy is in my phone he's in my phone as Sargon Pompei I am Swithin Kalamain and he is Sargon Pompei none of this is related to grown-ups too. Alright, well look, can I get us back on track and I'll just take an interesting sort of way to get there if I may. Would you allow me to do that?

Let me grab the map. Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour. Roll up, it's an inspiration. Roll up for the mystery tour. The Steve Buscemi mystery tour is coming to take me away. Coming to take me away. Take me today. Guy Montgomery, this is a section of the show where we grab the clues that we have gained from Grown Ups 1 and try to guess what has happened to Steve Buscemi's character in the first Grown Ups movie which neither of us have seen. Our clues are he has had for the last two years his hands upright in a touchdown position and 40% feeling in his body. I have a suggestion,

you may have one too, you were taking notes, I'd like to start and my suggestion is a simple one. Steve Buscemi's character in the first movie was a downhill box car racer the old school soapbox races that you used to see made on american tv shows and movies uh with a son and father and you'd you'd race them downhill probably gone now because we've all gotten a little bit safe and a little bit risk averse uh but they were a wonderful thing back in the day. They used to go very fast, and they were just basically planks of wood you'd chuck together, chuck a bit of wood on there, chuck a bloody steering wheel in the mix,

and race them with the other kids in the neighborhood. And I've got a feeling that Steve Buscemi, in an attempt to impress his kid, made an amazing boxcar racer, took it for a test drive, and really fucked himself really fucked himself up um which lends to his characters uh or the irony rather of his character going on to become a um a uh you know what do you call it like a grader for car when you're getting your license that's it that's it, that's it, the ocean, I think he, yeah, yeah, you know that street that's in Dunedin, that's like the world's steepest street, is it Hill Street, I can't remember what

it's called, but it's very steep, and at the end of it is water. So in my head, it looked like that. Like he just went fucking hell for leather. And in my head, it also happened in San Francisco. I'm not sure why. But he headed right downhill, too fast, brakes didn't work, and boom, he ends up in the ocean, and I don't know, a stingray got him.

A stingray got him. A stingray got him. Yeah, me too. Absolutely. That's what I heard. And they'll bite you. They'll bite you right in the ass. Nor I. Nor I, mate. Yeah.

Oh, shining light, I forgot. Yeah, go on. Oh, no. Oh, no. Just keep going. I can hear you. Just keep going. I can hear you. Just keep going, I can hear you guy. No, how? I respect you for picking it up bro I've never noticed that in the 43 times I've seen grown ups too now so congratulations to you

fuck me I've got to be honest with you, nothing really stuck out as a shining light, and I forgot to try and grab something along the way, that was positive, oh, do you know what, okay, here's a fucking shining light for you, you know when Adam Sandler says to Selma Hayek, when she posited that they have a kid in the car in the driveway and he says it's the first time I haven't had a job since I was 16 years old I'm just enjoying the fun for me that was a shining light because I felt like there was another almost breaking the fourth wall situation where Adam Sandler is announcing to us the film.

He's saying he's worked really hard on all of his movies, like Little Nicky, The Waterboy, Happy Madison, I mean, Happy Gilmore, all of them, right? And he's just saying on this one, on Grown Ups 2, I'm just enjoying the fun. So it's kind of like, can you guys lay off? And it's like a message that was left for us bro and i don't know if it's just because i've had too many beers and i'm looking too deep into

this but i have a feeling that he was telling the movie going audience i'm just enjoying the fun that was the whole point of the shoot and he made a lot of money from it but that was by the by he was just hanging out with his mates tacked on a movie script to it invited some people to shoot it and record sound and do some good lighting and um and we're being real dicks by uh over analyzing it no wait i got one more point to make and it's kind of meaningless but i just i can't get past the fact that nick swartzen announces basically the first moment he's on screen that he anally inserted a banana at his parent-in-laws like that's fucking next level bro it's not right and it's not the right tone for this movie Yeah, that's a good one.

Well, that's him. Let's be honest. There's no script in this movie. That's all him. Guy, I would like to announce before that we depart for the podcast that hopefully in the next one we can look forward to the drinking game rules being posted up and both myself and Sargon Pompey engaging in said drinking game. I would also like to announce that the LA trip is looking ever the more possible and happening.

So it looks like for the 52nd episode, the final episode of the Worst Idea of All Time, we'll probably be doing that in LA. Hopefully more details to come in the next step yeah and more importantly live every moment bye guy Bye, guy.