The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Four - Deadliest

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

Guy and Tim are late but back in front of screen showing them the studio gem Sex and The City 2. Pumped up on theories about a certain coffee drinking extra, their contempt for the girls and concern for the Director/Writer/Producer Michael Patrick King's workload, this is one heck of an ep.The lads roll round covering everything from Ghostbusters to The Deadliest Catch and it's an all round good time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the worst idea of all time episode 4. My name is Tim Bette. Sissy T I don't know how many times we need to go through this. It's a recording. We're live. We are live and we're recording it live, but everything's recorded live. Conceivably, every television show and movie and podcast ever made is live. Yeah, in our way. Do you know my biggest issue with this movie, Guy, is there's four women in starring roles in this film.

That doesn't happen every day and they have squandered an opportunity. Like, not since... I can't name... Not the four actors, though. What do you mean? Well, I don't think that Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, and...

Oh, no. Oh, you were really close to just fucking passing them all out. I don't know what Charlotte's... I don't know the actor who plays Charlotte is. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Do you? No, I don't. Well, I don't think they Charlotte's... I don't know the actor who plays Charlotte is. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Do you?

No, I don't. Well, I don't think they've dropped the ball. They got handed a script that was written in a panic room by Michael Patrick King over what is presumably three months where he was just fed and watered through a hole. Yeah, and I don't think watered with water. I think watered with champagne. That's all he could drink.

The network, the studio, they locked him in there and they said, here's some cigars, here's some champagne, bang out, sex in the city too. Here's a page with a list of things we need to be in the movie, including Sobu noodles. We're going to need a big old tittied Irish nanny. We need to see some Irish tits in this movie, Michael. Do you understand that? We want just an anonymous billboard in the middle of the desert,

not advertising anything, just to throw the punters off. Do you know what I would appreciate? I would appreciate a conversation which I had with my wife last night to last 10 minutes on screen about whether or not we should have a television in the bedroom. I would like that to be a significant portion of the movie i would also like you to reference how fucking awesome deadliest catch is in the seventh season probably the main part of the movie that we enjoyed today um was how much big presumably loves the tv show deadliest catch yeah because there's a and i think

that that's something that's been constructed in post because this seems like an audio thing that's been added afterwards. But when he's flicking, when he's doing a bit of... Oh, no, it's before they start doing channel surfing. On the TV, the show that he's watching. He's not even channel surfing.

He's like... No, no, no. He does channel surf after that. But before he does, there's a Deadliest Catch promo that plays which announces that he is about to watch the greatest episode of deadliest catch since the cameras started rolling seven seasons ago which is insane to me that a tv show would reference the fact that they just released

five i'm assuming because two through six five dud seasons two three four five six yeah and then suddenly a return to form we've been filming rock pools for five seasons but we returned to the high alaskan seas a crab the size of which we've never seen before a crab which took two crew members from our esteemed filming fraternity and took their lives right in front of our rolling cameras just going carrie babe i've been waiting five seasons for them to get back to alaska i cannot talk to you now this is too important to me you go write your book i need to watch this episode of deadliest catch two grown men die at the hands of a giant crab you want to throw away those lives you want to throw away the

lives of two fully formed human beings for for an argument right now? Look, Tim, we've got a lot of, not a lot really, a few people throughout the week have said to us, could you please, and I think we have done it, but we could revisit it in passing and as quickly as possible. Can you please explain the plot of Sex and the City 2? All right, well, look, the only way that this is going to be fun is if we put some parameters on it. So how long do you think we should give ourselves?

We're not allowed to use vowels in our words. We have to do it in five minutes. Oh, it's just gone noon to the second. High noon. Okay. Five minutes starting from now. Here we go. We open.

We do we open. We open in New York. Carrie Bradshaw is narrating. It's a very familiar trope from the TV show. She's telling us how she met her friends. They're making it friendly to people who haven't seen the TV show. They're saying, these are the characters. This is how we met.

This is where we are now. It's inviting and welcoming. Their two best gay friends are getting married, and the girls are very excited about it. Anthony and... The first scene is set in Bird Off Goodman. I don't know what that is, but it looks like a gaudy department store.

And I'm pretty sure they threw a shit ton of cash at the movie to get it done. Anyway, fast forward to the gay wedding. It's also established that Carrie has written a book about marriage. It's called I Do, Do I? Yeah. Which is, I don't know. It's a classy title. Is it?

Hey, we've got to move forward. We're wasting too much time. We're at the gay wedding. It's huge. It's a classy title. Is it? Hey, we've got to move forward. We're wasting too much time. We're at the gay wedding. It's huge. It's white. There's swans. Charlotte's daughter tries to eat one of the swans, but you cannot eat a swan. They are the Queen's property, even if you're not in the Commonwealth of America.

Actually, what is the legality of eating a swan in America? I've got a real hangering for some swan meat. I've got to get out of the Commonwealth. Well, that's the beauty of their free market capitalist system. You can eat the swan if you want. We are shackled by the parameters of the Commonwealth and the Queen's decree. Who decided the Queen owns all the swans? I'm pretty sure the Queen did, bro.

Was it the Queen? Like, was it Queen Elizabeth II who came in? It's probably Queen Victoria or something. All of you former monarchs are idiots. Guess what I'm doing First thing First point of order Dibs

All the swans are mine Dibs on swans All she eats is swans She is on You know why she's Aging so gracefully Because she looks Exclusively like a swan mate

We've fallen into Our own traps again So we're at the gay wedding That happens Liza Minnelli shows up Big song and dance number Miranda undercuts it immediately after it happens by being a fucking bitch and not dancing with her husband but we

move forward yeah Kim Cattrall has sex with a concrete layer um Charlotte's daughter is crying there's a cute nanny an Irish nanny an Irish big-titted nanny that Michael Patrick King was it was a real sport on this one he wrote wrote it in for us. I mean, we really hammered that point home to him. Look, fast forward a little bit. They're all just doing their jobs. Their lives are falling apart. Miranda quits her job. Charlotte's struggling to be a mother.

And I don't even know, does she have a job? And somewhere at some point, a man in the background is slamming three coffees, preparing for the biggest day of his life, which we'll get to later. The plot advances. One of Samantha's old clients calls up and says, hey, I'm doing a terrible, terrible movie set in Abu Dhabi.

Heart of the desert. Could you please come to the opening with me because I owe my career to you. They go to the opening. They meet the producer of the film who's just opened a brand new hotel in Abu Dhabi. After they meet Miley Cyrus. Samantha convinces all of the gals that it's a fantastic idea to go to Abu Dhabi,

which is pretty much the new Middle East, apparently. After an hour of plotting action in which Carrie and Big's relationship seems to be going fine, they're creating problems that aren't there because they've got nothing wrong with their lives. The girls all agree, let's go to Abu Dhabi. They go to Abu Dhabi. Samantha is suffering from menopause. all agree let's go to abu dhabi they go to abu dhabi samantha is suffering from menopause um they are all incredibly offensive towards the culture there uh samantha tries to blow a danish slash pan international architect on a beach she gets arrested uh the owner of the hotel rescinds

all of his offers and is like get out out of our country. The girls leave. At no point do you care about their plight because they're fucking gaudy millionaires with no respect for anybody but themselves. At the end of the movie, like the big fucking crux, the big worrying piece of action is Miranda saying, if we don't get to the airport in time, they're going to bump us from first class.

This just in Miranda, nobody're going to bump us from first class. This just in, Miranda. Nobody fucking cares. Fly coach. Fuck you. I'd just like to add as an addendum with our 57 seconds left that while they are in Abu Dhabi, Carrie kisses Aiden, an ex-boyfriend, which creates a little bit of friction with Big,

which gets resolved pretty quickly and pretty easily. And then the movie ends. And guess what, bro? You did an amazing job. You just wrapped up the entire movie in like 4 minutes 20. I'm so proud of you. Yeah. You say this every week we watch it, Tim.

They could have made some cuts. They could have made a lot of cuts. What you just heard takes how long in the movie again? Two hours and 26 minutes. 2.26. But the thing is, the reason that the movie runs so long is that they have to insert so much product placement. I like your theory today. So there is a billboard in the movie when the girls are on their way to ride some camels.

Yes. It's just your quintessential Middle Eastern man, and it's huge. It's a huge vertically laid poster of a dude. In the middle of nowhere. Sonny's on everything, just a classic Middle Eastern dude. And it doesn't have anything else on there. It's just an image of a face of a human full grown man. And it's like, what are you advertising?

This is obviously a billboard. What am I supposed to buy? It feels like they just put in a generic billboard and they were like, and we'll just sell the ad space to whoever wants it. And they either forgot to sell the ad space or maybe they'd already sold it and forgot to Photoshop the logo onto the bloody generic advertisement. You suggested to qualify the gratuitous and like intense shots of sobu noodles you suggested maybe it was a sobu noodles deal it's an apology the shots that we see are so

outrageously on place so obvious that it's product placement that it is an apology to sobu the firm who paid a lot of money to be in the movie and they forgot to shop into that shot is i'm so sorry here is literally three seconds of a motion picture from a very successful franchise of nothing but your product just your logo it's an it's a it's an ad in a movie and not in the normal way that product placement is but like literally a commercial inside the movie for For Sobu. Sobu Express. It's Japan's best location on Madison. That should be their catchphrase. It's Japan's best location on Madison. Yeah. I don't understand that.

It's Japanese food and it's on Madison Avenue. That's better. That's much better than what you suggested. It's not better. It's just clearer. It's better. Not always. It's Japan's best location.

Japan's best location Japan's best location On Madison That's confusing to me Yeah it makes you think I don't know what I'm buying It stays with you Because it makes you think It doesn't stay with me

I don't even finish the sentence It's confused Speaking of confusing sentences Yes We paused the movie today Oh yeah Finally There's a printout

So at one point Carrie has to go to her old apartment which she couldn't sell because the property market was too rough for poor carrie and big well that's not even like even that is kind of a legitimate problem but it's beyond that she simply says we were waiting for a good time to sell and there was no good time to sell so i kept my apartment and we didn't need to sell because Big makes so much money from wearing the emotional stress of playing the stock market on behalf of other billionaires. Anyway, she goes there to work on this article she's writing for Vogue.

I'm presuming it's like a little teaser article about her upcoming book, I Do, Do I?, which is supposedly slammed by the New Yorker, but we also freeze-framed the review in the New Yorker. The book is compared to Annie Hall by Woody Allen, which is like inarguably a very successful, very funny and well-made movie. The movie is me standing in front of a brick wall for one hour and 40 minutes.

It cost $80 million to make. I actually have in front of me said review. Do you want to unpack it a little? May I? Please. Carrie Bradshaw, New York City's... And I just want to say, this flashes on screen for half a second.

We took a screenshot because we committed. Okay, do you know what though? I like that like i always find it very satisfying in a movie when it's not just the word rhubarb printed like and i'm pretty sure that in the day back in the day before technology got to where it is they could put any text on there and like people didn't have the capacity to pause and check what they've written i like that they have to actually write that latin copy yeah yeah before you yeah i like they actually have to write the review um i i and the main example of this which really always turns me on is if you pause any of the

frames in arrested development yeah like they're all just oh my god they're so good loaded with gags they're hilarious hilarious pieces of writing also just quickly on that note yes when lies manelli walks through the beaded the crystal beads onto the stage for the gay wedding, she looks like she's got vertigo. It's classic Lucille too. That's all I wanted to say. That's another Arrested Development reference. If you haven't seen the series,

I implore you to watch the first two seasons. Consider if you want to watch the third because in my mind it's not as good. They're all funny. I haven't watched the fourth, to be honest. I haven't seen the fourth either. Carrie bradshaw new york city's ultimate single girl traded in casual kisses for the title of missus two years ago and now she wants to talk about it in her breezy and slight new book i do do i the best-selling author waxes sarcastic on

the idea of marriage well not so much marriage as much as marriage vows. The idea of this newly married woman taking a sarcastic swipe at the venereal institution which she has just joined reminds me of the... Is it venereal or venerable? You're definitely right. It's the second one. Venereal would suggest that it is a sexually transmitted disease. And that is the flavor of this book which being a single gal slinging it around in new york city happens from

time to time they've gone with venereal i mean venerable and that's their call they're the new yorker they seem to know what they're doing what a hilarious little moment of of word swapping I've engaged in there. The idea, where are we? Oh, yeah. Institution which she has just joined reminds me of the classic Woody Allen joke from his Oscar-winning movie, Annie Hall. Quote, I would never want to belong to any club that wouldn't have me for a member.

That would have me for a member, sorry. My alluding to Mr. mr allen is i feel it's getting harder to read now an act in a cute one both he and miss brad short have quite the eye and ear for reporting on a quote life in new york city both have devoted years of writing to capturing blank blank blank of a certain sector of manhattan something something customs he saw life in something something something playground he, playground. He something, something, being obsessive. Something, she something, something. With each step, you almost sense her something, something, something.

Check if it is safe to... Yeah, it's really losing some of the meaning now. But the thing is, I mean... That's not a terrible review. In the movie, Carrie is livid about the review from the New Yorker. That is like... I mean, obviously, we don't get to the bones of it this is all preamble but it feels to me like the book is certainly not as poorly received as she

acts like like she has a full-on meltdown she storms out of breakfast on about a million plates of eggs benny once again slams the new yorker into. By the way, how did you get the New Yorker, Tim? Because not Abdul, the guy whose name I forget, who is Carrie Bradshaw's man, Suvente, while she's in Abu Dhabi. He's opening everyone's mail, which I find very disconcerting. And I'll tell you what, I don't know what the law is in the United Arab Emirates, but in America, that's a federal offence. You cannot open mail that's addressed to other people.

They will throw you in jail. It does seem crazy to open, like, I know that God knows what they're being paid, but I'm pretty sure that whatever their brief was when they were assigned to these four hellish clients, it was you do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah.

I still feel like opening mail is outside of the parameters of that brief 100 what brief includes opening someone else's mail an incorrect brief i also had a theory this uh watch around that one of the manceventes who they lovingly call ab paula abdul because his name is abdul and he acts quite effeminately so they assume he's gay he doesn't even act effeminately he does

no there's a couple bits where he does yeah yeah they're just little moments to the camera but yeah he does and so they call him Paula or they call him Paula Abdul

and there's one bit where the Danish architect with the pan-Eurasian accent he doesn't quite nail where he's from hello ladies I am arriving from a place I cannot say. My name

Frederick. My country of origin unknown. My country of origin everywhere because the director did not give me a brief on where from. I wake up very groggy inside movie studio. They tell me I'm Danish now. I run with ideas.

I'm architect. they wipe my entire memory so i do not know concept of denmark or architect or of real life or movie life my name frederick so frederick's there uh and when he turns up abdul who they assume is gay um is sharpening a butter knife or he's like is sharpening, a butter knife. Or he's like, he's polishing a butter knife with a piece of cloth, which is supposed to suggest masturbating.

A penis. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, that's what it's supposed to, but I read into it that maybe, just maybe, Abdul is actually an assassin

because what he's like polishing is a knife. Yeah. And I think that he wants to kidnap Carrie Bradshaw to try and manipulate the oil markets through big who we know works in some sort of investment capacity big's a patsy big just big big has no actual power he just wears stress we don't we don't know that fully we

we thought that that's probably the case, but we don't know it for sure. He could have some sort of influence on the markets. Maybe he suggests to his higher-ups what they should be buying and selling. And if Kerry has been held hostage by Paula Abdul, the man Cervante... He's going to be saying, let's buy oil. Or let's not.

Whatever the UAE wants, they get. Whatever Abdul wants. Yeah. I like, I mean, I like the idea that Abdul has a loaded backstory. Yeah. He's a plant by the government. Yeah. It certainly makes the film more palatable.

It turns it as well from a, I hate the word chick flick, but kind of like a chick flick a horrible chick flick into a bit of a dark uh like kind of political thriller in a lot of ways i haven't seen the words chick flick in print for a while has that been stamped out well i think you're about to see it again in light of the oh no actually you won't i was gonna talk about the um all-female cast of ghostbusters but there won't be a chick flick there'll be a flick for everyone that stars woman it's gonna be a dope ass it looks i'm so happy about that film but did you see what did you see what sony pictures have done what they're like also doing a remake of

ghostbusters oh yeah with like an all-male like hey fuck you fuck everyone involved in this fantastic looking redo of ghostbusters it's an incredible power play by them it's insane they look like like sony pictures just all they're doing right now pretty much is walking around with their dick hanging out of their pants looking like an arse but isn't sony making the female one as well are they i think they're doing, yeah, because only one company can own all the rights, right? Like, there can't be two companies that own the franchise rights

for Ghostbusters. It's because of, what's his name? Not Bill Murray. Oh, Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd has that script that they've been shopping for ages of the reboot for Ghostbusters and Bill Murray refused to do it and unfortunately Mr. Ramos passed away about a year and a half ago. Harold Ramos. script that had been shopping for ages of the reboot for ghostbusters and bill murray refused to do it and unfortunately mr ramos passed away about a year and a half ago harold ramus yeah

ramus how do you say it i think it's ramus he did a really good job of playing seth rogan's father and knocked up yeah i thought it was his real life father he it took me a long time to watch ghostbusters it's a blow that he's gone. Because he co-wrote Ghostbusters with Dan Aykroyd. They wrote it. God, he's good. He's so funny. But anyway, so, female Ghostbusters happening. Sony Pictures also. It's like

they're self-sabotaging. They're like, oh, things are going really good. We're getting a lot of positive press about doing an all-female reboot of this great comedy franchise everyone loves. You know what I think we should do? Fuck ourselves. Fuck ourselves real hard. Piss in the bathtub.

God damn it. And it's going to be, I think, a reworking of that script that Dan Aykroyd was trying to get off the... We'll move on from Ghostbusters. We're here to talk about sex in the city, guy. We're getting off topic again. I took a lot of notes.

You did. You were writing furiously. I always do through the start of the movie. And then the breaking point, I was saying to you, Tim, today, because it takes literally an hour for them to get Abu Dhabi. This is the issue. By the time they're in Abu Dhabi, the energy is sucked out of you. But some of these notes, I think, are still interesting and relevant.

So Brayden. Is it Brayden? Brady, the son of Miranda and relevant. So Brayden, is it Brayden? Brady, the son of Miranda and her husband. Brayden the Warlock is in this film in an alternative timeline where he was born a weakling ginger and then Hiccup's McGee, I guess, would be Charlotte. I mean Miranda. Yes.

David Spade Had sex with Miranda In Florida Yeah While she had the hiccups And thus This is how the crossover happens bro Brady turns out to be Brayden

So this predates Grown Ups 2 Which it actually does Yeah I mean he grew up quick Because he's a warlock Yeah he aged like Sixteen Well no

It would only be ten years He aged ten years In three years Anyway That's okay That's a rate of growth Of like 3.3 times He's got the

He's off to the science fair Oh yeah Oh we're going there folks He's going to the School science fair And his entry For the science fair Is

Sorry I'll just take a brief moment to clarify we're talking about miranda's son brady right now uh not braid in the warlock from grown-ups too although they might be the same character but that's a different it remains to be seen uh we'll let the internet figure that one out i'm sure there are other people thinking about this in the same terms that we are anyway he, he's off to the science fair with his, what you could loosely term as an experiment called Mouse Maze. It's not an experiment. He's pretty much just made a shitty,

like maybe 30 centimetre by 20 centimetre cardboard. He's pretty much put cardboard inside a shoebox, found a mouse, put it in the shoebox, taken it to school. It's the sort of science fair project you slap together At 8 o'clock when you're that age The night before because you're like Fuck, I've got to do something It's too late for me to remove the shell of an egg by soaking it in vinegar

One of the kids gets an honourable mention For positing the scientific question What is static electricity? I'm interested to go to her exhibit And I want to find out I want answers to that question. Okay? Mouse maze isn't a scientific question, Brady.

You need to be pursuing knowledge. You have to be answering a call. What is Brady's hypothesis? He doesn't have one. That is essential for a scientific experiment. This is basics, folks. This is the basic scientific method. You start with your hypothesis,

which is steeped in some already existing field, which has already been discovered and knowledge that has already been accrued by experts in the field, and you try to expand on that by asking a question. Mouse maze is not a question. Mouse maze is a sorry excuse for a slapped-together cardboard cutout

of a scientific experiment that didn't deserve an honourable mention, let alone the blue ribbon at the fucking science fair. What gets me is that this school needs to re-evaluate wholesale the way it judges. And I'm guessing that this problem runs deeper than their annual science fair. I'm thinking this problem is fucking prevalent through the entire school. They need to stop rewarding children for poor efforts. What sort of culture? Like, why do you think the American empire is crumbling?

Because they're giving kids fucking blue ribbon prizes at science fairs when they show up with a pest in a shoebox. You cannot reward mediocrity Because downfall is the only conclusion Mark my words America You need to get away from your mouse mazes At science experiments And you need to be paying a little more attention To the rituals of the world

Yeah Look it's a shame we're running out of time Because I mean there's a whole lot to unpack here Tim I think what we should do Well let's rip into our shining lights Do you remember your shining light? You got me to write it down. Wait, I'm going to attempt to remember it.

No, I don't remember it. It was an audio mix. Oh, yeah. It's the bit quite early on in the movie where they're at the wedding and there is an edit that goes from Samantha's sexual cries of ecstasy straight into a baby crying belonging to Charlotte

of exhaustion. Exacerbation, is that a word? Yep, you can be exacerbated. So it's Samantha crying out in sexual ecstasy straight into a baby crying and they really hit it on the right beat, and it's a funny transition to make from an audio point of view. I appreciate it.

There's also actually a fantastic line close to that in which Big asks Carrie which is worse. No, it's after. It's immediately after. Yeah, but she has to choose between the crying baby or Samantha having sex. And Carrie, very pithy, very w wittily she says um the samantha the baby will tire that's funny that's a funny line my shining light this week tim um was how on point the bad karaoke is uh there's a transition in which they're playing a boston song and i am so

sorry that i've forgotten to mention this thus far in the podcast I feel like I've let down all the Boston fans I'm a big Boston fan but the bad whoever they got to sing what is it it feels like the first time

it's pretty much I'm trying to do the it feels like the very first time like it's just perfectly off pitch everyone has heard someone singing karaoke in this manner it's just perfectly off pitch yeah everyone has heard someone singing karaoke in this manner yeah it's very real oh so that's your shining light yeah the realism of the realism of the bad karaoke well it's kind of only followed up by a very unrealistic karaoke rendition of i am woman hear me roar which they add like sitars and a bass line to and shit they put in a breakdown

like the the basic way karaoke functions is like a very simple midi like melody just carries the tune through the whole song i've never seen a breakdown like that being said though it undermines the realism that they established in the world of the karaoke bar in the film literally moments before but this isn't a super realist film and i'm loathe to take points off a movie when it's just adding general filmic elements you know what i mean if you want to add a little underscore of a sitar to a moment to highlight the fact that they're in abu dhabi and be kind of racist on it then that's your right as a filmmaker to do it michael you've drank enough whiskey smoked enough cigars and spent enough time in this basement

that we locked you in to deserve that right to write that in. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, considering the circumstances in which MKP, as he's affectionately known around HBO offices here, that he had to work with. Was Sex and the City an HBO thing? Yeah.

It's his home box office at the very top of the film. In glitzy diamante graphics. Oh, you home box office at the very top of the film. Oh. And glitzy diamante graphics. Oh, you're right. That is what those diamonds spell out. We've got time to revisit our new segment. It's called What's He Doing? Where's He Off To?

I don't, yeah. We should listen back. Okay. What's He Going? What's He Doing? Where's He Off To? That's a good one. That's good, eh?

Yeah, I like it. Should we say it together? What's he off to that's a good that's good eh yeah what's he doing where's he off to so as you well know at this point if you've listened to the three episodes preceding this one uh there is not a featured extra but an extra who certainly does the most with the time he has on camera in the background of the scene at a store called the coffee shop uh of which he is perfectly on brand just ramming a bloody frappe cafe number down his gullet inside about eight seconds we see this guy go for the coffee once go for the coffee twice go for the coffee three times and promptly leave he's reading the culture section of the new york times i didn't see that that's a great eagle-eyed attention to detail and i feel like we also see

the coffee arrive for him which means he is drinking scalding hot cups like you know what i like about him though he didn't do it in one gulp he keeps going like he goes one third and then a second third and then a third you can't drink putting the cup down you can't drink a piping hot coffee in one gulp unless you've done a Homer Simpson at the Chili Off where you've drunk candle wax specifically so you can pull this thing off. That is probably my favorite episode of The Simpsons because Johnny Cash, I believe possibly uncredited,

is the voice talent who is his spirit guy, Coyote. How cool is that? Johnny Cash. It's a very funny episode. It's a great get. The bit in it when Homer starts hallucinating and like, ha ha, like he sees Ender Crabapple, Barney, and maybe someone else.

It's just incredible. And Barney does a burp and like the whole thing becomes like a kaleidoscope. I like when he's trying to get Marge to turn around and it's just the back of her head in every direction. Anyway. Bloody good stuff. And when he kicks the turtle.

Yeah. He's like, follow the tortoise, I think it is. Yeah, yeah. And so he boots it. That's right. Anyway, anyway. So what we have to do, week in, week out, is posit exactly why this guy is ramming so much caffeine down his throat.

The suggestion that we made during the film today, the man is off to compete in a decathlon of his own definition in which he has to concurrently battle the greatest sumo wrestler, the defending champ of sumo in Japan, and take on Russia's greatest chess master. Yes. The third event that he has to compete in is javelin throw against Kenya's greatest thrower of the javelin. Kenya, not traditionally known for their javelin throwers, but they've got a really strong crop of javelin competitors coming through right now. Oh, absolutely.

I'm going to name him Jimbai. He's the number one. He's the best javelin thrower who's come out of Kenya for nigh on 20 years. That's our third event. So we've got the wrestling. We've got the chess. We've got the javelin throw. The fourth event in the decathlon is...

This guy also, by the way, has got a Baraka and five no-dos in his cup of coffee. Such is his thirst for success. He's going 110% the entire time. He has to compete in this decathlon every single year until he wins all 10 events in one sitting. He's won nine before, three times in fact. The fourth event is a spelling bee against America's greatest high school students,

the creme de la creme of private schools in America. It's against the champion child from the spelling bee documentary Spellbound which came out probably about 10 years ago. The next event, he has to assemble a bed from Ikea faster than the creator of Ikea who by the way still flies

cattle class unlike the gals in Sex and the City 2. And interestingly, here's a fun fact, is the Danish architect that we meet in Sex and the City whose accent is indistinguishable. It's indefinable. Because he's scrambled his own brains. That's the man who invented Ikea as a concept.

The next event, he has to open a restaurant that outsells all of Gordon Ramsay's sales for the last five years in London. Three Michelin stars is the minimum. And he has to open it. Which is also the maximum amount of michelin stars you can get michelin stars i always find that so confusing because i think of the tire place yeah they're true the seventh event that he has to compete in is a jigsaw puzzle but not like a regular jigsaw puzzle because he is suspended from a metal bar upside down a gymnastics olympic event by his feet and he has to complete a 1500 piece

jigsaw puzzle of the eiffel tower he has to compete that faster than a similarly trained chimpanzee who is the fastest constructor of that jigsaw puzzle in the world the next event he has to outrun usain bolt asafa powell tyson gay and donovan bailey who are competing as one cohesive unit in a 400-meter, no, in a 100-meter relay. So they're all running four legs. He has to run 400 meters faster than four of the fastest men of all time can run it as a collective.

Eighth event, and bearing in mind, this man has won nine out of these ten events before come first place. His ninth event after the sprint race is he has to fight and win against Manny Pacquiao in a traditional 10-round boxing match. The 10th event, which is very specific to this film. No, we'll do the 9th afterwards. Oh, yes, of course. Of course, as is traditional in decathlon.

I'm sorry, I forgot that. He has to feed and water Michael Patrick King for a week lest he die and the movie doesn't get released. And then his 9th event is traveling back in time by getting in a DeLorean and going at 88 kilometers an hour with a device of his own construction called a flux capacitor to compete in the ninth event before the tenth event, which is to water, feed, and house Michael Patrick King.

It's a hell of an event. We watch it every year, and I'm really pulling through for that guy to take it out this year i think this is his year yeah i absolutely agree tim i mean what we have created is a pretty far-fetched decathlon but you know what i stand by it i stand by it too and we put about as much effort into that as whoever created sex and city 2 did into the fucking two hour and 26 minute disaster that we seem to be watching on a weekly basis.

Vis-a-vis a lot. Yes. That about does it for us on the worst idea of all time. It's time for us to get back into the gorgeous city of Melbourne, Australia. A quick reminder to, for the love of God,

please come to our show. Or just buy tickets to our shows. You don't have to come. No, no, do come. No, do come actually. If you live in Melbourne or you have friends who live in Melbourne, please point them in the direction

Of our respective shows During the Comedy Festival Tim is performing his solo Our show Tim Batt explores the human experience I had the privilege of watching it last night He's a very funny man, Tim Batt Yeah, I'm rewriting the ending

I hate it We don't have time to dig into that I am performing in an improvised show Called Snort with Friends We're on at six Oh, an improvised show called Snort with Friends. We're on at six, you can look that up, Snort with Friends in the Melbourne

International Comedy Festival. And also, Guy Montgomery and Rose Matafayo are friends. You know what you want to do? Just Google our names respectively

and the words Melbourne Comedy and we'll come up. Hopefully crop up somewhere. Thank you so much for listening. We love you. We love all of you, especially you, Alex.

Yeah. Alex, we know you're out there. If I see you on the street, I'm going to buy you a packet of Jaffas. I'm going to pass you right on the mouth. How do you like them apples? We'll catch you next week, folks. Probably again from Melbourne. Sorry this one took so long.

Bye now.