The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Nine - Mouse

Episode Date: May 3, 2015

Guy and Tim are on death's door. After a weekend where the two lads collectively performed in 11 comedy shows and made from scratch a entire short film, they are absolutely spent. The resulting watch of Sex and The City 2 is distracted, tired and filled with red wine. Guy ponders the results of Brady's mouse maze experiment and we get a visit from the podcast's first sponsor, the CEO of Cogs Unlimited. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello, and welcome to the worst idea of all time. Sissy Jim I'm just going to turn this thing up too. Oh. How's that? Is that getting quieter or louder? It's hard for me to tell. Oh, you can't hear anything? I don't have headphones on at all. Okay. Let me just adjust this. Okay, here we are.

Watch number nine, lucky number nine, as they say in Vegas. Yeah. That's what you get for waking up in Vegas. You get six in the city, two nine times. Unconsensual watching. Yeah. It's an old superstition they have over in Vegas.

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas. Guy Montgomery and I are at the end of a weekend and we just watched the movie and it's 10 to 1 in the morning now. I'll tell you what, I am It's now Monday morning.

I'm dog tired. I never understood what that saying meant. But I'll tell you what. It's now Monday morning. I'm dog tired. I never understood what that saying meant. But I'll tell you one thing for real right now. That dog's too hired to even think about hunting. That dog ain't going to hunt. That dog ain't going to dream about hunting. That dog ain't even sending it. That dog don't even understand the concept of dreams. That dog is barely responding to outside stimuli. That dog is vegetated. Frankly, I think it's cruel that we are keeping this dog alive.

It is sick. It is not a well dog. This dog deserves to go. This dog wants to leave this mortal coil. This dog going to die. This dog ain't going to hunt because this dog going to die. Yeah. That's where I'm at.

Hey man. It's good to have you. Good to have you there. Yeah. I'm not quite there. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like one level up looking at you.

We have gotten a lot done this weekend. I don't want to go on about it or brag, but I feel like I've achieved a lot of things. Nothing that I should have achieved but it's just like no i like you sometimes you earn the right you know you did you did a very good productive weekend you enjoyed yourself i did god i like shook it up i like um that you kept it off with six and seven i think it's a great leveler I think it's a great leveler. It is. Mainly because it sucks.

You get sad when it goes away, don't you? Yeah. Guy and I watched the movie on my projector in the bedroom where we are right now. We've been sipping red wine, cheersing our red wine and laying about on Tim's bed. Rolling around. Having a good time. Don't say having a good time. Don't say like that. I've put a setting on, um, the projector where like when it comes up with a blank screen,

if it doesn't have a signal, it goes hot fuchsia pink. Yeah. It's great. Specifically. It's a really nice sort of slightly ethereal tone to the room. Hey, Tim? Guy? We came up with some ideas while watching the movie.

Yeah? Which I'd quite like to have a crack at exploring with you. Stop fucking around with the screen. Well, I'm trying to find a way so it just stays on the pink because it turns off after all because it's a power save thing. I see. But you do you you don't worry about it if you go auto off i think that's what i want to disable i don't know okay talk to me bro what are your notes uh well first of all you've got an amendment to make you got very excited last week samantha jones running oh yes absolutely i thought that she was running linux in a public relations firm and i

i am so sad to report that upon closer inspection she appears to be running windows xp which is still pretty niche considering it's 2010 yeah you i know a lot of people skipped vista but i think eight was out maybe it wasn't maybe that's why she was on XP but normally you'd be on 2000 it doesn't matter it's a very small point but I would like to correct that from last week she's not as cool as I thought

because she's not running Linux she's running old Windows that's good there's other stuff that I noticed in the film this week. Like, namely, we've come in here quite a few times. We've walked into this cafe and we've started bad-mouthing Brady's mouse maze. Yeah, big time. He won the blue ribbon at the science fair by chucking a mouse in a maze.

We've questioned the veracity. Is that the word? The veracity relates to something that's truthiness. The veracity of the schooling system, maybe. It was rigged. Maybe Andrew spent a lot of the money he's earned on the black market working the docks down in Boston. Yeah, we're more looking for the sort of effectiveness or the science-ness,

the integrity, really, the scientific integrity of it. Regardless of all of that, what must be conceded is that the decoration on the outside of that mouse maze is 100% dope. Unmistakably. Like undeniably. Like the props person who was working on that and put these cool sort of cartoony New York buildings

all around the maze. Yeah. They would have made that, put their heart and soul into that, really committed. Beautiful skyline. Yeah. To doing that, that was their big job on the movie. It would have wrapped.

I reckon this behemoth in post probably took a year, a year and a half, the whole time that props department person was getting super jacked, hyping up the outside of the mouse maze to all of their friends and family, got a bunch of comps to the premiere in New York. They all show up. And the edit, I think, relative to the effort,

this person's marriage collapsed on account of how hard they were working on the outside of the box of the mouse maze. A lot of late nights, a lot of cold dinners left on the bench that's right cold dinner left on the bench is the ultimate sign that you're fucked up right it's like you've got someone who cares about you enough to make you dinner and put it on the bench and you were too much of a schmuck to come and eat it like you need to something needs to be fixed if you're coming home to cold spaghetti do you think that is the ultimate I'm fucked off statement piece in a relationship?

Big time, bro. Cold dinner, Jesus Christ, that's a big warning sign. It's a red flag. What's protocol? How do you address that? You've got to take drastic action in whatever form is appropriate to your relationship. You've got to take drastic action in whatever form is appropriate to your relationship. You know, I don't believe in these things where people have a cover-all solution,

but I would say that flowers works for a lot of things. I would say that. But I think flowers has got to be a preemptive strike. You can't get flowers when you're fucked up. You've got to get flowers before you fuck up. So when you do fuck up... I was like watching someone, anyone carrying flowers down the street and wondering whether or not they're nailing it or they've made a tremendous error just by the look on their face but it seems like people only in the movies and television would buy flat it's so cliche i know buy flowers to correct a mistake people out there

buying flowers to correct mistakes do you reckon reckon? Yes. That's still? Yes. It's like every sitcom or romantic comedy has played that bloody trope. And that's why there's still idiots out there making apologies with flowers. I guess so. Anyway. But whoever worked on that mouse maze. Yeah, dude.

Would have been devastated by the edit. Are Nissan Skylines called Skylines in America, or do they have a different name? I don't know. Probably it's called Skyline. Very popular car. I'd be interested to know if it had a different brand in America. You know?

I think... Who would have thought of that? Like, I'm going to name this one Skyline. That's crazy talk. No one's ever thought about that before. It's just a nice name. It's nice to say. It conjures a nice image.

Like the phonics of it, how it actually sounds out there. Yeah, and also it's the mental association or the image you get in your mind when you say Skyline. Very urban. Well, not even necessarily that, but just when you talk about the skyline, it's usually in positive terms. Yeah, that's true. So it creates a positive passage in your brain, surely. Yeah.

Skyscraper is like a mixed word. It could be positive or negative, but skyline is almost universally. That's why it's a good name for a car. Anyway. So the rat. This props department person. We're in the dark now. line yeah it was almost universally that's why it's a good name for a car anyway this is a rat this props department person would have been the dark now oh my god we're in the complete dark that's all right projectors turned off oh see a projector good night projector uh yeah would have been devastated and um yeah i don't know what the point of that i just wanted to emphasize

talking about the mouse and you're talking talking about the veracity of the... The box is great. Yeah. They could have used more of the box and maybe less of the preamble before getting to Abu Dhabi. To be fair, I think you turned your head away just at the time when they did the big shot, the big, big, big shot of the painted skyline on that mouse box, the mouse maze,

because I was waiting for it to come back to show you, and I was waiting for a long time, and it never came back. It's just that one shot. It's about a second and a half, though, dude. It gets a healthy amount of screen time. That's good. It's in there. It's very prominent.

If you lost a marriage on account of how hard you worked on the box, which admittedly you've got to be looking at your priorities in your relationship and life. If you're willing to sacrifice a marriage for a box that is realistically going to get less than two minutes screen time and sex in the city too. I mean, would you say that that's a fair trade for a marriage? Do you think that's kind of like that's art, baby?

Well, yeah, it depends on... I mean, it's hard to say, isn't it? It's hard to measure where that person's priorities lie. They're that impassioned by that box. You were suggesting while we were watching the movie today, Guy, that perhaps we've been underestimating the scientific importance of Brady's maze because you believe that if mice are put in a maze for long enough, they just slowly grow more and more,

or actually not that slowly, they grow more and more intelligent. Rapidly. And you were quite concerned. Yeah, well that's why, because when Brady's accepting his award for first prize, he's holding the mouse in a separate, just in a regular sort of see-through container.

Yeah. And you observed that, and then I quickly explained to you that if a mouse is in a mouse maze for over two hours, every extra hour that it's in the mouse maze for, its intelligence doubles. Wow. What happens in the first two hours? And then obviously that diminishes. In the first two hours, yeah. So two hours you've got a safe zone, and that's how Brady chucks it in there for two hours.

For that two hours, the mouse is in a deep meditation. Oh, really strike like a viper, pent up. Well, when they're moving around the maze, I mean, we think that they're trying to navigate the maze. They're having a good think. They're just pacing. Interesting. Yeah, so that's a mouse pacing for thought. Yes.

It just so happens that it confines RMAs at that given time, so we misread it. That's right. And so if a mouse remains in there for too long, they will outsmart a human being and they will dominate us. Fuck. So the school gave Brady the blue ribbon for his moxie and his risk-taking attitude towards science.

Well, and also to try and sort of as a hush. Oh, so you think Brady cracked,, like people don't know this. Brady knows this now. Yeah. And they need him to get on side with the establishment. Yeah, absolutely. Be part of the machine rather than, you know. Absolutely.

This kid is a mastermind. You have tripped over something huge tonight, Guy Montgomery. It would be fair to say. This is big. What was your shining light tonight, Tim? If I had to guess, I'd say Charlotte's earrings. Which set? The ones that she's wearing while she's having a drink.

I'm bluffing this one. I forgot. Conjure something. Runkle, probably. Yeah. We talked about him quite a lot. Do you want to suggest you say what we said? I had a bit of acting.

It was funny. I think we both separately enjoyed Runkle very deeply this evening. And then we both sort of brought up at the same time. He, when Samantha and the concrete layer are having very rampant and loud sex. I thought you were going to say coitus and you didn't. I'm disappointed. Well, whatever you want to call it.

They were really going hammer and tongs. And then next door, Runkle and Charlotte are really struggling as parents. They're having a really hard time. And Charlotte's job as an actor is easier because she's just got the screaming baby. But Runkle's just reading and the kid's kind of paying attention.

And so Runkle does this huge, tremendous bit of acting where he moves his whole arm and he slaps his face against it. And when he does his serious acting, he sort of scrinkles his face up. You know what I'm talking about? A runkle scrunch. Yeah, the runkle crunkle.

The runkle crunkle is your shining light? Would that be fair to say? Yeah, that particular piece of acting and then getting to call it the Rungle Krungle. Yeah, that brought a lot of mirth into the room. It did. A lot of mirth. It really lifted the mood.

It did this week. You're going down, man. I'm crashing hard out. I was so weapons hot earlier tonight. You were. And I shouldn't have been. Science did not support me being excited about anything. You felt invincible for a while.

Yeah. I haven't got a lot of sleep in the last few days. Well, I've got one thing that we should definitely talk about. Go on. Which is that Patrick Schwartz and I, we don't usually like to speculate about people's real lives on the podcast. It's not something that we usually do. don't usually like to speculate about people's real lives on the podcast it's not something that we usually do but it has been observed by some of some people that uh it looks like it's all

it's all over red rover it's curtains for patty schwartz and miley and uh and what do you think of that tim sorry i was nodding at you and i realized that that's not gonna get picked up on a microphone at all that's right you i agree you are falling asleep in front of my very eyes all right i'm here i'm queer get used to it you're present uh anyway i confess to you that since i found out that and this is like embarrassing like a reflection on how maybe shallow i am as a person but when i found out that they were not together i became more embarrassed of my Patrick Schwarzenegger tattoo because he's no longer with Miley Cyrus, which is such a weird thing.

A lot or just a little bang? Just a bang of like, oh, she kind of validated it. Yeah. I'm kind of like, I'm okay with having it still because I recently stumbled across a uh news report that uh his mom maria shriver has uh she's just written an amazing book about um it's like a kind of gender studies thing it's about how boys can't express emotion or something yeah something like that probably if she watches

acting performance and grown-ups oh my god like isn't that unbelievable she's put out this really like interesting and kind of timely and cool book about how boys can't cry and shit and yeah her son is you know like featuring in this just absolute fuck fest of childish man-baby behavior. Like, that's an awkward family dinner. When they go to the premiere of Grown Ups 2, they get home and he's like, Mom, what did you think of the movie? It's like, it was an abomination

and it needs to be stopped. And I hope that it never goes to any cinemas past the one we just witnessed it at. And if it comes down to me buying every DVD and Blu-ray copy myself to put it under a bulldozer I'll fucking do it and if it comes down to me like trying to harness the power of Anonymous to take it

off the torrents I'll fucking give it a whirl you know like this movie needs to be put under six feet under no one can see it but you hear good things about the book fantastic things about the book yeah looks like it looks like a good and but we're not here to talk about Maria Shriver or grown-ups to be here to about six and the city interesting thing that i've found

about sex in the city for a long time and i myself have been falling into this trap up until one episode ago is that i never really knew if it was sex and the city or sex in the city and when you google search it like both of them come up a lot so a lot of people are making the mistake is what i'm saying yeah so uh this is tim bat officially calling you out figure it out motherfuckers well hey look i was well you're all way to throw it way to throw down i was one of you i was once one of you but are you saying you're better than these people well i am now yeah i'm saying i was on their level and now I'm on a better, bigger, higher level. You're fundamentally now a better person. You're saying that.

I'm agreeing with you. There's a subtle difference. I wouldn't initiate the thought, but I also would never deny it. You're getting into a pretty good place now. Yeah, dude. I need some fucking sleep. Yeah, man. listener yeah dude i need some fucking sleep yeah man um well should we should we seamlessly segue into what's he doing where's he off to hey that was a pretty good one getting getting warmer in

the dark um do you want to take the reins or should i well let's let's i'll be interested to see what i can spit out okay but you can defer like no oh you're just gonna go i need to go i if i i got to take away the safety nets or else it won't happen get in there bro do you realize that the dude who we see in the over the shoulder shots lemon coffees and leaving with a newspaper under his arm like do you know what he do you do you. Like, do you know where he's going? That's exactly why I was saying. Do you understand where he's going? No, this is exactly why I was saying.

Bro, did you realize that we're dealing with the president of David Hasselhoff's fan club? No. He's off to try and find the beach that Baywatch is filmed at. In central New York. Correct. He could barely be further away from the location he's looking for, and that's why it's in the movie, because it's such an interesting bit of happenstance

that he's wound up in NYC how did he land you're gonna love this story I think I am you're gonna enjoy it so what's happened is someone told him that

he needed to get to the coast where the beach is, right? Yeah. And instead of hearing beach, he heard burger. This guy sounds like a bit of a dimwit. He's not a smart man. And he thought burger doesn't make any sense. How did he wind up in charge of David Hasselhoff fan club?

That is a position that you take. No one bestows it upon you. You grab it and then you defend it. That's all there is to it. This is a bumbling fool. How did this man so i'm trying to explain how he got to nyc okay someone said it's at the beach he heard bigger and then his head went not a word did they mean to say big apple and that's where he ended up he

didn't research it beyond that observation. Well, he just kept asking people for where the Big Apple was and he actually started pretty close to the Baywatch Beach, which as we know is pretty close to LA, I think. And he ended up hitchhiking across continental North America. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was an amazing journey. Did he still manage to distribute the David Hasselhoff newsletter daily as is custom?

He's on AT&T. He didn't have a worry in the world. Internet all day. This is in 2010. I mean, it's not. Yeah. That's how it's not. Yeah. That's how good they are. Yeah.

From coast to shining coast. Sea to shining sea. Yeah, of course, we're commercially obligated to thank AT&T, who we've just taken on as a new sponsor of the podcast. We're actually obligated to answer to our other sponsor as well, Cogs Unlimited. Yeah, Cogs Unlimited. Pretty unlimited they pretty much cogs unlimited is a very unique service uh we're in a delivery person it could be it could be anyone it could be

you know your grandmother it could be a title stranger it could be a pizza delivery guy show up with an invoice and uh quite literally a waste disposal unit full of old secondhand cogs. They will dump it on your front lawn for the reasonable sum of $1,000. Yeah, they'll give you all the cogs your little heart wants and your little brain needs. Yeah. I mean, I think they're still ironing out some of the kinks of exactly how this is going to sustain i mean and what the what the demand is for this service and that is their slogan

we'll iron out the kinks while you get the kinky iron because of course eating cogs will supply you with 50 of your recommended daily intake of iron yeah and but it's a kinky way to get it you know because it's certainly interesting it'll raise a few eyebrows at your bloody weekly in-progress meetings, won't it? That is the official name of their meetings. Once you're a member of Cogs Unlimited, you get to go to the in-progress. And in-progress is a very interesting set of meetings. Very interesting guy, because when you first get in there, what they're going to do is they're going to hook you up to a little machine machine and they're going to ask you a little something, a little something something about your childhood.

They're going to ask you a little bit about what's going on in your life and they're going to find the barriers. They're going to find what's holding you back because the secret to Cogs Unlimited is unleashing your unlimited potential because we are all Cogs in the machine. unlimited potential because we are all cogs in the machine now if you want to speed up the process of unlocking your potential you can absolutely contribute of your own volition a little more money each month to cogs unlimited maybe we can grease those wheels a little bit maybe we can get some auditors to help you out spend a little more time with you one-on-one you know if you if you're willing to commit, that's what it comes down to. Don't think of this as being an issue of money. This is about your level of commitment.

It's displayed by your financial contribution, but it's a level of your commitment. How committed are you to Cogs Unlimited? Because if you're not committed, you're not going to be able to unleash your unlimited potential. There's a CEO of Cogs Unlimited guest appearing on the podcast. I'm here to say I think Tim and Guy are very brave boys. They're very good boys.

They do what they do weekly for everybody. And as president of Cogs Unlimited, it gives me great honor to be the first official commercial sponsor of this podcast. And if you little fucksticks don't financially contribute to my little business project, well, then you are spitting in the face of Tim and Guy Cogs Unlimited Cogs Unlimited for all you kinky iron needs Guy

probably going to have to pull the pin on this one because I am very sleepy. I think there's some things I'd like to say before we go. Here's one. We're gonna need to do a catch-up episode at some point because we left a little late last time.

And I love throwing this at you while we're doing the podcast so that you can't back out like a little bitch. I don't back out. That's what you do when we're off mic. Everyone, guy's a little bitch, he backs out of shit. I don't back out of shit. And so we're going to do a catch-up episode. We've got to find a little piece in our schedule to watch Paul Blart.

Mall Cop 2, Blart. Yeah. Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2, Blart. Yeah. Paul Blart. And I'd like to warn you that we've got some really good guests coming up as well on the podcast. There's a few people itching to get on and they're all cool people.

You just walked in here at the end of a podcast and just laid some straight business down on me. You do. You do. I thought we were just going to have a lovely chat about the Sixth and City 2 and then you just... Oh, shit. and just laid some straight business down on me. You're dead. You're done. I thought we were just going to have a lovely chat about the Sixth and City 2, and then you just... Oh, shit, I broke the keyboard.

We're still good, though, right? There we go. Oh, fuck, man. Jesus, that's bad. I thought we might have lost it. My brain immediately went to the worst place and thought that we'd lost a whole episode. Yeah, because then we have to watch the movie again.

It's fucking 20 past one in the morning. And I, last night, I think I, four hours, I think. Good on you, mate. Good God. You're a treasure. Good God, Guy Montgomery. Look. Do you want to leave a message for our listeners

before we end the phone call? Yeah, I do. We're right in the middle of the comedy festival here in New Zealand, in Auckland. You're a sellout? Yeah, I do. We're right in the middle of the comedy festival here in New Zealand, in Auckland. You're a sellout. Yeah, mate. Please come along to our shows. Mine's called Guymon Comedy.

It's on the Monty Criss show. Even if you're not in Auckland, if you know someone in Auckland you think would like it, please tell them to come along. And Tim, do you want to sell out as well? Nah. because I'm colder than you are. That's not true. It's not, but I'm going to pretend I am. And everyone, send your congratulations to Tim

for successfully completing a short film in 48 hours over the weekend while performing three solo hour-long comedy shows. That's a pretty impressive feat, mate. Thanks, mate. I'll share the movie with you all later when I'm allowed to. We're not allowed to at the start. We will later, though. I'm very proud of it.

Bro. Guy's in it. Let's get out of here. Guy's in the movie. You talk about like you're not part of it. You're in there, bro. Yeah, mate. You've got a fantastic cameo.

You're a scene stealer. I was only in it for like you're funny about half an hour i gave you good direction you were an excellent producer too let's get out of here people don't want to hear this i love you all and we'll be back soon before you even know it It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time Season 2