The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Sixteen - Smooching

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

Nic Sampson and Joseph Moore from the Cheap Tuesday podcast join Guy and Tim for their sixteenth watch of the film and it quickly descends into a 1am drunken free for all. Nic and Joe try their best to recreate the entire film in 4 minutes and barely miss a single plot point. We discover that Mr Big is possibly colourblind and that he should be called JJ (or Big J). We also happen upon the possibility of Carrie is magical. Enjoy this extra (arguably TOO) long guest episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the worst idea of all time. Season 2. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Nickelodeon. Hello. Welcome along to the worst idea of all time. Season 2 In New Zealand Podcast in New Zealand But don't We're not saying you should But don't In most of America Oh who's that It's not a target No one knows You're not in the room Who's that third voice You hear at the moment

Oh It's actually Someone's coming in and out A little bit So hold your shit Properly gentlemen And allow me to introduce Two of the single

Greatest podcasting talents That New Zealand Has to offer My name is Guy Montgomery No no no, no. It's not us. I've already introduced us. We are third and fourth.

Wow. And first and second place, in no particular order, let me first, the man that you first heard, let me introduce... Number one. Joseph Moore. Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Moore. Oh, hello.

Hello, gentlemen. Undeniably number one. Nick, we apologize to you. We have spent hours Pouring over these rankings And I'm very comfortable Back here at number two

Don't burn Ready to step up To number one In case anything goes wrong Don't burn his first name Before we've given him A full introduction Ladies and gentlemen

You know him You love him You left your kids At his place one time And they came back With a little bump on their head And a little bit confused You thought nothing of it

At the time Guy I mean Guy acted a little bit guilty if i'm being honest with you because he had to cover for the fact that nick had done something a little bit wrong they wanted to go down the laundry chute they and nick was not prepared to stop the crazy old uncle nick was only too happy to enable your kids so for the first time ever can I introduce by his full name As far as I know it because I don't know his middle name Ladies and gentlemen it's your cool uncle Nick Sampson What is your middle name? The cool uncle of New Zealand comedy

Why is he an uncle? Because he let the kids go down to the laundry shirt You're not related to him Dad's not going to do that is he? You know how you talk about your friends kids Your friend brings a kid around Your crazy old uncle Joseph Am I

People call me crazy old uncle Yeah you wouldn't know Joe You'd know he's bringing around kids to your house My house full of kids Steady stream of kids In and out I have to have a bouncer with a clicker on the door No more than a hundred

Of your nieces and nephews. All right, before this buck and bronco gets away on us, lads, let's address the elephant in the room. We've just watched Sex and the City 2. You're mixing metaphors all over the place here. They're all animals and they're all angry. We've watched Sex and the City 2, Guy and I, for the 16th time. Joseph, I believe, for the one and a half.

One and a half. Well, I half watched it with my ears. Listen to it. There's a term for that. Listen to it. Actually, you guys... Hold on.

How do you watch something with your ears? What's that called? You know how we normally do things like other people do things? Let's do things the opposite to that.

Okay. Plug your podcast first and then we'll talk about the movie okay go well we do a podcast called cheap tuesday where we watch a movie each week and talk about the way that you guys do a different movie though it's and we we go the push we've really pussied out yeah and come with a different and. And go to the movies and spend a lot of money. And that's why you guys are great and little bitches but

still great. Thank you. And it's an honor to be here. This week on our hour we went to see Entourage which I noticed so many

similarities between that and this movie that we've just watched now. Should we just rip in? Yeah. Should we just rip

in? Nick are you ready to compare Entourage to Sex and City 2? Should we really date stamp this thing and date it horribly by just talking about a movie that's just come out? If they find this one in a time capsule in space, they'll know exactly when we were talking about it. They'll be like, bam! Gotcha, motherfucker!

It's when the Entourage movie came out. There are a lot of similarities. It's when the Entourage movie came out. There are a lot of similarities. Definitely. Entourage stars four hateful men. Yeah. And this movie stars four hateful women.

Do you hate all the guys in Entourage? I remember Entourage being fun, though, as the TV says. Yeah, but the worst kind of fun. Bad fun. Bad fun. What's bad fun? No, no. I would say Entourage is

objectively more fun oh more fun than Sex and the City but surely that's just because you're a bloke mate it's all the girlfriends

and wives I'm talking about I didn't watch the TV series of Sex and the City no or of Entourage you watched Entourage

I watched Entourage did you enjoy it yeah but then I enjoyed it in that hindsight of being like, oh God, I wish I didn't watch that. But hold on, let's time travel. Put yourselves back into the place of, well, just you actually, because I'm only talking to Nick right now.

Of the moment, did you enjoy Entourage as it was unfolding? I enjoyed it in, like, it was a time when I was sort of coming to know myself a bit better. And I enjoyed it as a coming was a time when I was sort of coming to know myself a bit better and I love sex with everyone man guy were watching stand by me and you were watching entourage and it shaped the human beings we are a lot of people that a point where I realized Entourage was terrible. A lot of people in our generation... It was a really good realization for me.

You know, we started watching Entourage around the same time we started buying shirts with buttons. I really thought you were going to say masturbating there

because I saw your mouth making an M sound. I've been buying shirts with buttons, you know? Buying shirts with buttons. Seminal stage in your life. Yeah. You're like,

hey, I got a... I got a shirt with buttons. Yeah. in your life Yeah You're like hey I got a I got a shirt with buttons Yeah Watch out What would that mean What's happening when you're Putting on your shirt with buttons You're on the prow

You're into town Yeah You're looking for trouble Is what you're doing Isn't it Isn't it ironic You dress up to get down Yeah isn't that

Has that ever struck you As just being Isn't life just Just a topsy turvy place Oh it's a wonderful thing Wonderful thing. Your ups are down, your downs are ups. But let's not talk about Entourage too much,

because the movie we just saw wasn't Entourage. Please, please just let it stop. So, like, I mean, first of all, first impressions. Nick, I'm going to start with you, even though you've just been talking. I would say it is, yeah, the length. It is ponderously, unavoidably. It is one of the longest things I've ever sat through.

And it's not just long in length. Yes. Although it is that. Although it is that. Which is the main way of measuring length. However. I didn't realize there are other ways to measure. But like every scene ends like every shot someone will say their line

and then the camera will linger on them too long like it's the first uh it like it's this is the block edit that the editor has gone all right this is how the film stacks up yeah and now i wait for the director to come in and we'll tighten it up and then he never came never showed up you could drive a truck through the lines right like in between them saying yeah there's some scenes some pranks there's bloody driven a truck right right square through two actors oh yeah we've told all of our listeners not to watch the movie so they don't know this but we've there's a lot of trucks in the movie where they drive them in between like miranda and carrie there's a line yeah and then a movie where they drive them in between Miranda and Carrie.

There's a line, and then a truck, and then another line. A very literal metaphor. It's crazy. They'll gracefully step aside, and a truck will come through. It's amazing that they get killed. I thought it was some close calls. Some of the trucks- Well, you didn't see, Joseph, that one scene where a guy gets hit. And that's how good the stunties are.

They make it look like it's a close call, but it's never really a close call. It's a safe set. I don't know if you do this every time in the podcast, but I wouldn't feel comfortable going on without just giving a shout out to the family of the Stunny Who the Stunty Who

we do we do do that every podcast I don't listen to every episode sorry so you don't we pour out some of our drinks I believe it was when

just gobble up that mic gobble it up I believe it was when Samantha said Lawrence of Mylabia and then the truck comes through and hits that extra yeah they use the Wilhelm scream I believe it was when Samantha said Lawrence of Mylabia, and then the truck comes through and hits that extra. Yeah.

They used the Wilhelm scream, I believe. That's correct, all tie. I'm bad at doing the impression, but yeah, you get it. Yeah, yeah. You sounded like a farm animal. Wow. It was odd in the movie how they played it for laughs, though, because a real man died,

and then they kind of cut to an individual shot of each woman. They do a lot of shit like that, though, Joseph. You may have noticed they use a sitar to very racist and comical effect in the movie as well. They provide a lot of musical cues. You were quick to pick up on this. Okay, are we allowed to just talk about whatever? Of course, mate. Absolutely not.

Under no circumstance shall we talk about whatever. I don't know if you noticed how much whiskey I've had, bro, but I'm pretty sure there's no rules to this one, mate. Musical cue observation number one. Hit me. Whenever Carrie walks, it's like she is magical, for with each step comes a twinkle, you know, that suggests she has, I'm going to say, fairy godmother powers.

Like a shimmering musical twinkle. Yeah. What is that called? What is that, like a chimes? Are they chimes? Yeah, a bit of chimes, a bit of ding-dong. Ding-dong chimes. Yeah.

You're supposed to be the music man. The ding-dong is a separate instrument from chimes. Yeah, yeah. What's the ding-dong sound like, Guy, real quick? It sounds similar to chimes. Give me your ding dong real quick. Actually, ding dong is on a metapair. I don't know if you...

It's like a crow. You know how a crow crows? Yep. Ding dong, ding dongs. When I say the word ding dong, that is the sound of ding dong. Oh, I'm sorry, you're doing it already? Yes. Oh, I beg your pardon, I was missing it. It's just so good. You just weave it in. Anyway, I believe she has mystical abilities, which are not explicitly shown in the film.

Now, Joe, let me throw this at you as a little bit of a theory. Okay. Do you think those magical abilities exist before or solely after she puts the hat on at the gay wedding? Oh, before. They're there. So it permeates the entire film. She was born with it. You know, you don't,

it's not magical shoes. It's not like Mike. You know like Mike? Lil Bow Wow has magic shoes that makes him good at basketball. It's not like that. She has a magic, I think she's born like.

Of all of the examples you could have picked, I'm glad you went with Like Mike Thank you It's a way to not alienate Any person listening To the podcast Because everyone's seen Like Mike

Is what I'm trying to say It's a very popular movie Everyone saw it I think it's pretty clear That when she puts on that Headdress It's called She refers to it as a hat

But Well it's not a It's not really I mean a hat is To cover your Head Well refers to it as a hat. Well, it's not a hat. I mean, a hat is to cover your head. Well, a hat looks like a hat. It'd be closer to a visor than a hat. But it's not a visor either because it doesn't cover your eyes.

It's like a belt for your head. It's a crown, realistically. Oh, it's a crown. When she puts on the crown... The crown's like a whole belt. Say that again, What's that? No, it's the crown. There's clearly some sort of foreshadowing

happening there. And I kind of feel like it's some sort of curse that maybe a witch or an evil gypsy has put maybe in a gemstone in the crown. Sure.

It's slowly working its way into her body causing her to lose Control over Where she puts Her passport Yes Yes I'm glad you've struck

Into that Um Which is of course The driving The driving plot of the movie Well of that act It's the one big It's the one time

Something's Gone Goes wrong I'm sorry A plot is when you Someone does something Once And then at the end of the movie They come back to the same Spot and Just solve that problem Something's gone Goes wrong I'm sorry A plot is when you Someone does something Once And then at the end of the movie

They come back to the same spot And just solve that problem That's what a plot is A plot is when a series Of seemingly Unconnected Events Happen in a row

In a few different locations Here's what I'm gonna do Right Here's what I'm gonna do If I may I'm gonna throw it over to you two Okay To Nick Sampson and to Joseph Moore

to explain to me what the plot of Sex and the City 2 is and you've got limited time to do it I'm pulling off my wristwatch so I can take care of this you've got a maximum of 3 minutes and I want you to describe the movie you've just seen because it's an exercise in recall and in brevity. Of taking something that took over two and a half hours to watch, I want you to boil it down to three minutes.

Are you ready? If you're not familiar with the word brevity, it is to be succinct, you could say. This podcast is brevity in action. I would just like to interject. You have something to say on the matter? No, no, but we will be brief. Okay, yes.

We'll be brief. Okay. I'll kick us off. In the same way that we have not taken much time to define brevity, we demand the same of you. Gentlemen, your time starts now We hear a familiar beat What's that?

Pianos mixed in with drums Oh, it must be Jay-Z's Empire State of Mind The song plays as the Warner Brothers and HBO logos play on screen But are they normal logos? No, they sparkle Sparkle with diamonds Why? Because we are not in our world we are in the

world of new york where the girls of sex in the city to live all right nick you keep keep it going hey it's carrie what's up it's me right now now in 2011 but also way back in the 80s i was a lot different but still the same hey we're all Anyway, my friend who presumably is in the TV series is getting married. Hey. Oh, hello. I'm a man standing on a desert. Wait a minute. I have to go to a gay wedding quickly.

Okay, you quickly go. Can I just put your phone down for a second? Yes, yes. I'm going to go to this wedding and comment over and over and over how gay this wedding is. Hold on, hold on. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Let's talk about the movie. Real brevity.

Hold on. I'm at the wedding. Okay. Gay, gay, gay. This is a very gay wedding. This is a very gay wedding. Hello. Welcome to the wedding.

I'm a stereotype. This is a very gay wedding. I feel like I've seen how gay the wedding is. Oh. I'm going to leave now. Okay. Right back. Hello.

Oh, you're still there. How was the wedding? Okay. So what are you up to? Oh, I'm standing in the desert and I'm shooting a poster for a movie that we all. Oh, shooting a poster for a movie. That sounds like a normal thing to have to do. We don't have green screen, you see, in our studio.

I don't even know what that is, so I don't know how you bring that up. Hey, I digress. You digress. Someone digress. Well, we're all digressing. My friends are going crazy. Hey, careful with your passport. Should I come to Abu Dhabi?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm a step ahead. You quickly come to Abu Dhabi, but when you're here, be careful about your passport. I feel like you've done too much talking. You're barely in this movie. Hey'll quickly come to Abu Dhabi, but when you're here, be careful about your passport. I feel like you've done a lot of stalking. You're barely in this movie.

Hey, we're in Abu Dhabi. Oh, this plane was magnificent. Oh, look at all this food. Look at all these penises. That's my passport. You dropped it. No, actually, I never mentioned that. Oh, there's your passport. I'm worried about my nanny's breasts.

Hey, they sure are big. Let's go. Camel toe. Hey, we should leave now. Hey, I'm a nice gentleman walking down the street. You want a smooch?

Okay, but then I'm going to tell my husband about it. He's going to be sad in a big building. Oh, hey, it's Kerry's husband here. What do you got? You got smooching? Any old man? Wow, you weren't doing it. You were too busy watching your films.

Black and white and otherwise. You know I love black and white movies. And time. Well done, Jim. Was that a three or four? I don't know. I'm not wearing my and white and otherwise you know I love black and white movies and time well done was that a three or four I don't know I'm not wearing my digital watch I gotta say

because virtually no one who's listening to this has seen Sex and the City 2 what you just listened it's just devolved into a series of buzzwords

that you remembered from like I don't know I thought they did a good job I feel kind of broken after this movie. I feel like they kind of... If you listen back to that... It's a good summary of the film.

That was like one in the morning, right? Yeah, I know it's one in the morning. That was. It is. I'm very tired. I just said that one. It's way after one in the morning. It's like closer to two.

Okay. It's 20 to two a.m. It's not important what the hour is. Did we miss anything? No, absolutely not. I mean, the one thing that you missed was that you ran out of time to quickly resolve the one issue in the film, which is that, as you pointed out,

Carrie smooches a guy she sees in the souk, which is an Abu Dhabi marketplace where you buy spices and leave your passport and buy shoes at. And then it's fine. Yeah. They sort it out. They go back there. She gets a diamond ring

out of it for Christ's sake. It's totally fine. I've had stuff gone missing in a marketplace. What'd you have missing? An ice cream salesman stole my wallet

in Kuala Lumpur. Really? Mm-hmm. Well, fucking hell. Oh, you know what? But that's life, you know? And I went back

and it was gone. Here's some notes that I took. That's a real story. Make that into a movie, eh, that? No, you know what? But that's life, you know? And I went back and it was gone. Here's some notes that I took. That's a real story. Make that into a movie, eh, guys? Where's that feature film? Well, it'd probably be a more engaging film than Sex and the City 2. What else did you get up from Kuala Lumpur? I went to the swimming pool.

That sounds like a pretty encouraging... Hold on, we've got a sequel in the works. Yeah, don't waste it all on one movie. No, the first one is you losing your wallet at the second one. It's a saga. Here are the notes. A real-time movie of you going to the swimming pool and you losing your wallet it's a saga here are the notes a real time movie of you going to the swimming pool

and then losing your wallet at the market real time I paid $25,000 you're an idiot you're a fool guy that's why

people are like you never got an owner house alright here are the notes that I've taken through the course of the film number one why has no one called Big JJ?

He announces his name at the wedding as John James. John James Preston. What about Big J? Big J's even better than JJ. Nah, then you're wasting a whole J. That's crazy talk.

If you've got two J's consecutively as an option That is pretty much The angle you should be pursuing In your name I always thought as a child JJ was one of the coolest It really is

Nicknames you could get Those are two Eight point consonants One two What are you talking about Eight point consonants Scrabble Oh right

Jesus Alright There's a 16 16 letter 16.2 letter name You can't use proper nouns In Scrabble though my friend You actually can in a new version

Of Scrabble Fuck off Yeah man Yeah it's one of the There's like a classic rule though Nah What There's no longer Scrabble

At that point You sound like my granddad You can play like Beyonce And stuff That is Bullshit You can play as Beyonce Yeah That's no longer Scrabble At that point You sound like my granddad You can play like Beyonce and stuff That is bullshit You can play as Beyonce Yeah

That's no longer Scrabble Well no It's dress ups But yeah If you play as Beyonce You don't have time For Scrabble Scrabble

Scrabble night at my house Beyonce It's a very immersive experience If you play as Beyonce Here's my second You inherit her entire career Which is a lot of responsibility Did you know

IMDB won't tell you about the movie Guy and I will Because we've seen it 16 times now Did you know That in one scene In the film In Abu Dhabi In the hotel

They swapped out Tilda Swinton For Cynthia Dixon Or Nixon Can't remember the name of the actress I feel like you really got caught up on this moment Well She kind of looked like Tilda Swinton No no no Well this is or Nixon can't remember the name of the actress I feel like she's really got caught up on this moment well she kind of looks like

Tilda Swinton no no no well this is but she kind of looks like her for the whole movie I don't know why this seems especially when she's not wearing makeup

well it's not even anything to do with especially the fact of the matter is it was a it was a failed viral marketing attempt by Michael Patrick King and SJP

who was getting a producer on the movie is they got Tilda Swinton for a cameo, and they said, Tilda, we want to do something different with it. We want it to be organic. We want it to be viral. We're going to put you in the movie

as one of the characters. People say viral in 2011. Yes. Absolutely. Constantly. That's how we know we're really saying it in 2010. That's when it started. Anyway, Tilda, you know what she's like.

She's really into virality, really into online currency, really into monetizing content. She said yes, they did it. No one knows, to this day, we're lifting the lid. It's a hidden cameo. One of the only Hidden cameos In the history of Hollywood The third note

I've written on my hand Appears to be the word Runaling Which last time I checked Isn't a word R-U-N-A-L-I-N-G What do you think

I was trying to Communicate to myself Runalina That's impossible To say mate I would like to talk About the fact that Mr. Big is colorblind. Well, then please, take us away.

So, Mr. Big, one of his great character traits is that he likes to watch black and white movies. Which is such a vague thing, right? Yeah, it's... He's like, I love black and white movies. That's a lot of movies. You gotta immediately go, why? You gotta ask the question. On the whole, not very good.

You gotta dig in there. That was before we'd really mastered how to do movies. Yeah, exactly. A lot of those don't have audio. You're a fan of audio, Mr. Big? Yeah. He likes the movies, not the talkies But then later on, caught watching Deadliest Catch

Yeah So then my theory is that Yeah, he's colorblind He can't tell if a movie's black and white He just says everything's black and white Sometimes he's right Well, Nick, I hate to throw salt in your game But maybe he likes more than one thing

You know, maybe he likes black and white movies and diddly sketch no I think he's just he likes anything where he knows it's a black and white movie because there's a certain style he can get from watching

an old black and white movie this is a colour blind person colour movies confuse him yeah they make him they haven't catered for the for the colour blind audience whereas black and white movies you can't tell who's the sun,

who's the sky. Now, this would explain how he's lost so much money on the stock market because when stocks go up, they go green,

and when stocks go down, they go red. Yes. But if he was colorblind, then he's just seeing numbers

moving in a direction. And he's just throwing money in every which direction. He's got to pick a punt.

So, like, he is buying up stocks that have risen dramatically, and he's just throwing money in every which direction. He's got to pick a punt. So he's buying up stocks that have risen dramatically, and he's selling stocks that have fallen spectacularly. Yeah, he also has no internal compass. He constantly thinks he's upside down. He sees the arrows on the stock market, and those make no sense to him at all.

Right. And nor do numbers. So he is a dyslexic devoid of any internal direction numbers to him are just kind of bouncing shapes

he has no perception of colour he is an early prototype of a trading android the US government made about 50 prototypes

for stock market traded. They forgot not to program them to love. They forgot to program this one to love. He shows literally no affection to his wife. So let me just show you. Much affection as a prototype stock market Android computer. Let me take a bit of stock here.

A colorblind stock market. We're saying that my man JJ Big Is a government fuckbot Am I on board so far? No no he's a stockbot He's a stockbot He's not a fuckbot

Who happens to be Naturally gifted at fucking He's a stockbot With a heart He's the only one of the assembly line That they forgot to turn The emotive programming off I see this is very Johnny Fiber

Even at his full emotion He is He doesn't register on the human scale Like he still seems like a robot to us Which is why it's weird That he gifts his wife A ring after she cheats on him Just guessing.

Now, gentlemen, there's a... Can I just say before we... Just throw it in there. Don't ask for my permission. Just get in there and get dirty. I desperately want your permission. You guys, this movie is destroying you, and it's only been 16 goes, but about halfway through,

you guys, for the listeners tim we watched about this movie is so long and i really like i feel i've listened i listened to the podcast and i feel like it's very hard to communicate how long this movie is it feels like it will never end and at about an hour and a half tim had fallen up, toppled over like some sort of skyscraper. And Guy was trying to play my guitar without ever having played a guitar in his life. So just like compulsion. He even had one lesson. Made him pick up a guitar and try to sing an Everclear song.

So like this movie is destroying these, and I really feel for them. But, hey, as we said positively at one point, only 10 more views until you're halfway. Yeah. Well, God, isn't that a milestone that we're knocking on the door of? Isn't the light in the tunnel devastatingly tricksy and deceptive? Here's something I'd like to There's a poorly lit tunnel

Inject it It's a bit dark in the tunnel What's the point of the tunnel There's like fish That make their own Bioluminescence And they look like The end of the tunnel

Those are the depths But they're not The end of the tunnel They're air breathing Bioluminescent fish Now The first question is We like to

This is not the first question We like to is We like to This is not the first question We like to say We like to ask We like to explore What was your favourite bit of the movie? We call this the shining light Speaking of bioluminescence I remember I laughed

Okay So maybe Guy Maybe Guy and I will kick off And you guys can think about A part of the movie that you enjoyed No way I'd like these guys to go first can think about a part of the movie that you enjoy. No, I'd like these guys to go first. They get the whole spectrum of the movie to choose from.

Really throwing our guests under the bus? I like where you're coming from, Guy. I like it. Do they get to choose from any moment in the movie? Joseph Moore, would you like to start? Yeah, okay. Even though it ultimately resulted in one of the low points of the movie, I just like the concept of a karaoke bar with backup dancers i think as a karaoke patron wouldn't it be fun to have backup dancers while you perform karaoke waiting your

jaw-dropping performance yeah so and i they go to a place where this exists um solely i think so that there's a feasible reason for the girls to have backup dancers when they do a um frankly embarrassing performance of I Am Woman. But up until then, they've kind of created this business. I'm like, yeah. And so there was a moment where I go, I'd like to go to that place. Although I did notice. That was the one second in which I was happy.

The one second in which it triggered your brain to think, I wish more karaoke bars had backup dancers. That is your joyous takeaway from Simpsons City 2. That's the moment I felt most at peace. The guy who we opened on, who I thought for a long time was singing a Boston song, turns out he wasn't. He doesn't have any backup dancers, though. Yeah, he does.

They're above him. Oh, shit. Then I take it all back. It's so unconventional, because they're not backing up In the traditional sense Nick Samson Does anything come to mind when I say to you

Shining light favourite bit of the movie Gobble up that mic I feel like my favourite bit of the movie Was When Carrie called Big To tell him that she kissed What's his face? Aiden Aiden apologies Carrie called Big to tell him that she'd kissed...

What's his face? Aiden. Aiden. Apologies. Don't apologize. I'm apologizing. I'm desperate to apologize to you. Let me apologize.

It's not privilege. What's the word? Permission. Permission and forgiveness. Keep going, Nick Sampson. Keep going. Dig deeper. I want permission and forgiveness.

Carrie has rung up Our favourite Fuckbot from the government I always ask for forgiveness And always ask for permission Was when she rang Except Mr Big And tells him

That she's kissed him And we're back in New York Briefly And because it took So long to get to New York It took about an hour And then I was so excited To go to Abu Dhabi As soon as we got there I an hour and then i was so excited to go to abu dhabi as

soon as we got there i realized i was like no no we we have to go back it was a mistake to go here so just that brief glimpse of like the cityscape maybe abu dhabi no of new york oh during the phone call when we flashed back to him sad in his last hour. Cut to JJ Big the United States military's greatest fuckbot. Staring sadly out of Skyscraper. I just felt like

oh man this was this was a huge mistake ever leaving the comfort of New York. So getting a flash of Big

in his big soulless office was your shining light of the movie. God damn it that is bleak. Okay well I'll tell you mine. My shining light of the movie god damn it that is bleak okay well i'll tell you mine um my shining light of the movie this time and i think i've actually enjoyed him

a lot of times but i've never remembered enough to bring it up is miranda's misogynist boss tom he's amazing i love him he shuts her down so like succinctly with he doesn't even say words he just throws a hand out, he's like talk to the hand, boom, chucks it out they're in the meeting Tom is a legend what got you about Tom this week? he's just so authoritative and really instills himself as

the voice you want to listen to in the room seems like he's got a lot of good ideas and that's how he got to be partner at that firm you know what I mean? he's a man who you trust. He's a man who you go to with problems, and he gets them fucking solved. He's the kind of guy who, like, if I accidentally killed a stripper, I'd be like, Tom, bro, some shit has happened in Las Vegas. Very particular kind of guy.

No, no, no. But I'm just saying, if it was a bad problem, Tom could solve it. He's not the kind of guy who'd freak out and be like oh i've got to call the police now because i'm obligated because you've committed a crime and murdered someone he'd be like we're going to get ourselves some acid i know a chemistry high school teacher we're going hydrochloric on it we're going to dissolve the body and no one will ever know that this has happened he is a problem solver and he's painted as a villain in this movie i don't appreciate it but in the brief moments we have with him in the movie i enjoy him

i genuinely think this movie is making you lose your mind you always say that you're thinking dangerous thoughts no i'm just i'm just saying i'm not saying i'm killing a hooker i'm just saying if i did I'd want to go to Tom It'd be like Mike Tyson way of Framing things We don't need to bring real people Into the scenario What's his name?

Another guy Damn it I fucked that up Are you talking about old The guy who made a pecky out for it? Sorry? No I'm talking about The murderer NFL player

OJ Simpson? Yeah yeah that's cool Sure doesn't sound like it I don't think Mike Tyson is going to take Kylie to you mixing him up well the hilarity is

you tried to slam me and you've actually revered yourself for being a massive racist who can't distinguish between black people so shame on you Joseph Moore

let me say that name again I could have just hit by him Joseph Moore I'm just trying to be the truest me I can be god that's a terrible defense guys pick up the ball and let's roll in with a shining light from you I'm just trying to be the truest me I can be God, that's a terrible defense

Guys, pick up the ball And let's roll in with a shining light from you I just want people to accept me For all of my character flaws Including my rampant racism That's what I hear too No That's what I hear coming through

What a career blow this podcast Has turned out to be Had it and quit it What's going on to yourself even if society what a career blow this podcast has turned out to be head it and quit it guy montgomery what's going on my shining light and sex in the city too you've got nothing look at those cold dead eyes most trend with whiskey most transparent witness who starts answering the question by re-saying the question in a different order. Sex in the City 2. Jesus Christ, you are burning daylight on us, Montgomery. All right, while you think of that, Joseph Moore, I'm going to throw it back to you.

You're running a very efficient, insane conversation here. There was a man in this film named Coffee Guy. We know Coffee Guy. We love Coffee Guy. in this film named Coffee Guy. Oh, yeah. We know Coffee Guy. I saw him. We love Coffee Guy. We're familiar with Coffee Guy. The question is... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... doing? What's he up to? Where's he up to?

Where's he going? Where's he up to? That's the question. What's this dude? What's he all about? Where's he off to? What's he doing? That's gotta be over to the floor. Can't just put that on Joseph. Sorry. Joseph Moore, Nick Sampson.

What's he doing? Where's he off to? Well, I felt like after this, by the way, you guys built this guy up a lot and he did not disappoint. Excellent. He drank a lot of coffee in a very short amount of time, as promised, and then he left very quickly.

And I could help but notice that a waiter came in very shortly after he leaves, clears his plate immediately. And I'm wondering, did this waiter take the coffee cup back into the kitchen and then go, oh, no. This coffee was not meant for this man. This was a prototype coffee. Oh, my God. Not yet ready for store consumption He has drunken this coffee

What is the effect of this? I must find this man He goes home He passes out He wakes up He looks in the mirror His arms seem stronger He takes off his top

Is that Yeah that's weird Abs is just a regular old coffee drinker Yeah regular coffee drinker Hold on He's suddenly got all this energy. He can't sleep. He never sleeps again.

He is coffee guy. He's got the energy of a guy who's drunk three coffees, but all the time. That's right. He doesn't need another coffee. But if you give it to him, it'll be like he's had four coffees. He spurts steamed milk out of his wrists. Yeah. He's got sugar.

He's got it. Little packets of sugar in his pockets. In his butt. In his butt pockets. He's got sugar in his butt pockets and he's spurting steam out of his wrists. What do you make of that? Do you love it? He's running.

You've got to have it. Suddenly there's a new hero in town. Oh, people are mugging people. Oh, Coffee Man's coming along. Being a bit pushy about it. Because it's a mug. Coffee. Great joke.

A mug is mugging someone. Yeah. That is brilliant. And here's the crazy thing. It turns out that it's a Harry Potter mashup universe where muggles are mugging someone. Yeah. That is brilliant. And here's the crazy thing. It turns out that it's a Harry Potter mashup universe where muggles are mugging mugs. And only one man can save them all. It's Coffee Guy. He's on the scene.

He's steaming mad at crime. He's off there with his wrists spurting hot milk into people's eyes. Which is actually, when you think about it, pretty fucking hardcore. It seems like a pretty low level superpower until you analyze the fact that he's got someone in a goddamn head lock and he is spurting something that is above 100 degrees into their goddamn eyeballs they're just gonna burn them irrevocably yeah they've got no flesh right off their face which is how mr big became black and white sighted. That's what the colorblind people are calling themselves. And credits.

Credits roll. Credits roll. Credits roll. Everyone's leaving. Not us. We know to stay in the cinema. That's right. After the credits of Coffee Guy, it's a little sneak preview of the next big character.

Walk me through it. We open on a big table. A table covered in cakes. That's right. The gals have ordered too many cakes again for breakfast. There's pastries. There's muffins. There's every sort of continental breakfast you could want.

They don't eat them. They leave. What happens? Of course, you know what happens. All the cakes merge together to form a humanoid continental man. Continental man. Boom, coming soon. It's not coming out for a whole year, but it's going to exist in the same universe.

They buried the teaser trailer at the end of Coffee Man. Yeah, for Continental. Is that Indiana Jones? No, it's the A-Team theme. What's Indiana Jones? Actually, the A-Team provided a character for the next spin-off, Mr. T.

Fantastic. Hey, look, Montgomery, I feel like Mr. T, Mr. Coffee Man and Continental Man are all going to

form up together. That's what we call the worst idea of all time fuck-what universe chapter one. It's going to be the new breakfast menu

at IHOP. Now, Guy, I feel like we've bought you plenty of time to think of a shining light. So let's hit it straight off the bat. You've brought me into an immersive experience. Do you know what?

Some people accused me of throwing you under the bus. I saw the bus come and grabbed you by the goddamn collar, moved you out of the way, put something else in its way, and put you back in the right path, and you and you're still complaining you're driving the bus and it just feels like the bus is chasing me i most i resent the accusation and i want you to get on with your goddamn duties as someone who watches sex in the city 2 every week and provide a goddamn shining light as if you didn't see it coming as if you don't know this happens every week just put it out there and my you're failing you are like an angry person had a lot of whiskey uh it's the in my professional opinion as an esteemed reviewer of season 32 which i do on a weekly basis yes and it is a process i enjoy what i most enjoy when i share a nightmare you're a bloody

nightmare is the slacker and efficiency with which i do it oh man i i don't i are you outraged nick samson yeah i want you to yeah i'm fucking outraged just get to the fucking point man do you guys have shining lights yeah we talked at length about them, and they were great. They were ones for the books. That's what I'm talking about. You're a crazy bus driver. Don't you put this on me. What's your shining light? My shining light.

Fucking hell. It just all blurs into a horrible memory. You're such a piece of shit, Montgomery. You really are. It's just one long ongoing disappointment My shining light is That Mr Big's coffee cup is never full There's never coffee in the cup

You enjoyed that It's all an illusion It's insane Something they got wrong in the movie is your shining light No My shining light is that Mr Yeah I guess I just like Mr Big and his coffee cup

Coffee cup props Do you know what I like? You like me. Nope. The opposite. What do I mean to do with that? We can go. Who are you?

What a negative note to wrap up on. We need these guys to pitch the movie to us. Oh, God. That's got to be quick. All right. You guys have got to pitch.

So Guy Montgomery and I are movie executives. We greenlight projects. We get shit done and funded. You two have walked into our office to pitch us this movie and so we can fund it. Gentlemen and gentlemen, hand over your pitch. Okay.

I was just walking... First of all, hi. Nice to meet you. Hi. Well, I've got time for this. Very bad start. We've met before. We worked on a project last summer. Yeah, my name's Tim. Yeah, Joseph. I don't know a lot of all, hi. Nice to meet you. Hi. Well, I haven't got time for this. Very bad start. We've met before. We worked on a project last summer.

Yeah, my name's Tim. Yeah, Joseph. I don't know a lot of people, so I'm very important. Okay. So is Guy Montgomery. Well, hi, Tim and Guy. My name's Nick, and you're no Joseph. Yeah, from last year.

From last summer, we worked on a project. Fuck this up. Fuck this up. All right. Don't go back to New Zealand. What? Never go back. Okay.

Jesus Christ. So I was just walking here, and I passed a store with a bunch of televisions in the window, and on the televisions was a show about some women. You thought of this pitch on the way here to the meeting. I like it. In the amount of time it took me to walk the entire length of the TV store, I got the gist of the show.

And while I was walking, I also passed. The next shop was actually a travel agency, which had a picture of the Middle East. And so, I don't know. And then we passed a candy store selling Reese's Pieces. And then I hit my head pretty hard. Very important executives. You don't need And then I passed We passed a candy store Selling Reese's Pieces Yeah And then I hit my head Pretty hard Very important executives

And you were telling us You don't need to know all this You don't need to know I'm running out of time This is probably I'm undermining my pitch If anything Picture this

Picture this The drums and pianos combine It's Jay-Z's Empire State of Mind Where are we? We're in New York But not New York Not for long

Not New York But for a while. But then we get on a plane. Okay. But after a while. Yes. We're not there for... So then we go to Abu Dhabi.

Oh, bold move. Also hard to follow. Yeah. Okay. By the way, don't worry about that. Don't worry. We're not going to be respectful.

You've got Joseph Moore on the project. No one for his racism. That does make me feel confident by getting that racist dollar i always thought joseph moore was known for his very even-handed liberal defense of everyone normally sometimes he confuses controversial athletes anyway um so i've got women i've television. Can I do my own pitch? I don't necessarily want to be associated with him if he's going to be racist. As a Jew, I'm very confused by the pitch.

No, you're going to need this racism in the film. The film won't work if they don't make just offhanded comments about women and minorities. My place has New York and Abu Dhabi. It's got two settings, and we spend as much time in one as we do in the other, which is an indeterminable, never-ending amount of time. Here's what I'm going to do.

I like elements of what you both have said. I need this, man. I'm throwing you together as a directing team. I'm giving you no money but I will give you a production company I've been in LA I've been in LA three years man

I mortgaged my house back in New Zealand for this I need this you get a production company you don't get money done it's done

I'll do it with a dry cleaner go be Groves on it I don't care I'll do this on a budget I will actively Tim I've got kids I will be actively trying to sabotage

this project every step of the way I just got Lauren I will be actively trying to sabotage this project every step of the way I just got I just got Lauren into a good school man and if I can't get the bills in I do not care

for your personal problems I do not care for either of your ideas I appreciate that I appreciate that my esteemed colleague and friend

has greenlit this project okay so I would just like you to know I will do anything I can To make this As difficult as possible I look forward to

This sounds like a really good challenge Well To be honest It sounds like all four of us Are at odds Which is how I like To get movies made So I invite you

To the challenge I would like to say Good luck to you gentlemen And I would like to say Thank you very much For listening Should we Hands in the middle

Let's do it Go ducks on four Hands in the middle? Let's do it Go ducks on four Hands in the middle Let's all spit on our hands first Before we shake on making this movie Cut them Get in there Cut them

Go ducks on four Here we go One, two, three, four Go ducks on four Good enough Ladies and gentlemen You've been listening to The Worst Idea of All Time

These guys' podcast is Cheap Tuesday Please check it out Starring Nick Sampson and Joseph Moore Renowned for his tolerance of all people Thank guys' podcast is Cheap Tuesday please check it out starring Nick Sampson and Joseph Moore renowned for his tolerance of all people all shapes and sizes follow them on on Twitter

at hotmail.com yeah yeah yeah they are at hotmail.com I was until not long ago

still at hotmail.com he was god we've been making that as a joke Sampson enjoying the 21st century for Christ's sake I'm trying but they won't let me in

alright we're wrapping it up ladies and gents we just watched Sex and the City 2 for the 16th time we hope you join we'll be back for 17 maybe you won't

I don't know we're all a little hammered it's quite late at night catch you catch you around see you kids you wanna say anything Guy? no catch you around see you kids you wanna say anything Guy? no it's the worst idea

of all time it's the worst idea of all time it's the worst idea of all time season 2