The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Ten - Dutch Sniper

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

Recorded in front of a live audience in downtown Auckland at The Montecristo, the lads' Sex and The City 2-watching has now reached double digits. Tim explores his rich employment and travel past, Guy comes up with seven great ways to use a self-regeneration power. A fantastic idea for SATC3 is put forward and we find out how to use the phrase "Like a corpse in a cyclone". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. Season 2, episode 10. Welcome along to the worst idea of all time. Season 2 The air is barely breathable. The anticipation is palpable. And my appetite is insatiable. Insatiable. Dang it.

I know you did so well. Insatiable. I was really throwing some shit out there, man. Yeah, we were having fun. We got in the way of that. So, we've got a little bit of an audience in here. Some porpoise, some human, all paying. So, thanks for... Dolphins in the house make some noise.

Those are birds. We didn't ask for the birds to make any noise. Human punters make some noise. They exist. Our audience is real. So we've just watched Sex in the City 2 for the 10th time in the year.

Yeah. Do you like the movie? Not yet. Still waiting for that tide change. Just hanging in there week after week. I asked you just before everyone started coming in if next week you'd rather watch Grown Ups 2 or Sex and the City 2. You said you'd rather watch Grown Ups 2,

which is bizarre. It's just that variety is the spice of life. And I've had about enough of Sex and the City 2 for right now. It's like the Counting Crows song. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's not the Counting Crows originally. I think it was... So you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

It'll come to me. It's so bright. So, Tim. Yeah. got till it's gone it'll come to me so bright um so tim yeah this is this probably this is the longest delay we've ever had between watching is it like a 10 minute buffer zone between us watching the movie and recording the podcast today so some of the the frustration and the deep-seated disappointment that was pierced into your eyes and face has left you don't look as sullen as you did for the last two and a half hours. It's so nice of you to notice. How do you remember watching the movie today? Poorly and on a couch

with you. And I actually, what I wanted to do was, so we came to the venue where we're doing the live record now early to watch it and it's very concrete and it's lovely but it doesn't get a lot of natural light and I thought it would be a better idea because of the duration of the movie if we watched it in your car while overlooking a vista. So like maybe park

it up down by the water at the viaduct or something and we could see the harbour and look at the ferries come in from Devonport or we could go up the top of Mount Eden and have a look across Tamaki Makaurau. What is the Maori for Auckland? I forgot. Tamaki Makaurau. What is the Maori for Auckland? I forgot. Tamaki Makaurau. Near enough. Warm. I think that people understand what a vista is, Tim,

but I quickly nixed that idea because while it's not great watching Sex and the City 2 anywhere, in any environment, it's particularly, I wouldn't imagine, enjoyable watching it in a small car. I actually really love this movie you do yeah alright come into

bat for it yeah tell me your three favourite things about the movie well it deals with relationships in an honest frank and

relatable manner one it features four sassy ladies which we don't get to see enough of these days on film leading a tight cast of

players two wait what there was two. Oh, so you're looking for three. Yeah. Fantastic locations. I mean, my goodness, where are we?

We're in upmarket New York, one moment, Abu Dhabi the next. There's some stuff in an aeroplane. It really, it's an adventure picture. The thing I like about this movie the most is that it could really fit under any genre. Is it a romantic comedy? Yes. Is it an adventure? Also yes. An action movie? I would argue it is. What particular action sequences do you think would qualify it to be marked under action

at, say, a DVD store or on a website where you might buy it? In particular, our Danish architect, Richard Spurt, who... Ricard, rather, Spurt, who comes in full guns blazing on that... What did we decide it was, a BMW? No, he comes in on a Land Rover. They have sex on a Mercedes. Oh, I see.

So when he comes in on the Land Rover and he's going through the sand dunes and stuff, and he's very action-y. And he says, who could deal with meetings on daylight today when there's sand dunes and sunsets? That's action. That is not, none of that is action.

It's a car advertisement. A bodyguard pushes big when they're out at the movie launch. It's a tight little action sequence. Action! Alright. Big time. It's an action film. You're right Tim, maybe we've been looking at this the wrong way.

I feel like what you described is what the pitch of the movie was described as to the makers. They say we've got a cash cow here, let's milk it. Who's thirsty? Who's calcium deficient? No, but it makes you sound like it's a bad movie. But this is a great movie. No, well, I think that that was what was promised.

And I think that to judge the movie that was made is perhaps unfair. I think maybe the right way to approach this is to look at it as the movie that maybe they set out to make. Yeah. Do you think that's how we should assess movies and works of art?

Not with what was accomplished but what was intended. I think everyone would be living lives that are more fulfilling and rich if maybe we just measured things on what they were meant to be rather than what they are. I certainly think that that would be a huge

like it would be a weight off everyone's shoulders if you were no longer held accountable for the consequences of anything you did. For example, just diving into the world of the movie, when Garon is listing all of the fantastic things that the girls can do when they get to Abu Dhabi when they're first in the hotel,

and he's saying, we have the pool, we have the spa, we have the beach, we have the beach houses. Fitness facility. The intention behind that seems to be that there's more stuff to come, but it had to get cut on the editing, cutting room floor. We've got a trampoline room. We've got a zero gravity gun that you can muck around with. We have 12 wild ocelots which roam the hotel premises.

We taught two chimpanzees how to learn and communicate with humans, and then they have taught their offspring and become terrifyingly intelligent. We have the original Toucan Sam, the Toucan Sam, the Fruit Loops mascot, was modelled on. We have him on the premises at all times. We've got the guy that Peter Jackson used as his sort of body figure for King Kong. That guy is running amok. You're Andy Serkis.

He has been high on CD cleaner for months. We're actually trying to get rid of Andy Serkis. We tagged him. We put a tag on his ear, an electronic tag with a gun that we've got. And you know what he did? He convinced one of the chimpanzees to eat his ear. So now we're just tracking one of the chimps. We already knew where the chimps were.

We've got a tight hold on them. But this Andy Serkis who's all hopped up on CD cleaner, my God, he's a tight one to keep track of. He's dressed up as Van Gogh as well for a fancy dress party. It's outrageous. We've got a humpback whale in the paddling pool. We've got a... Oh! I was about

to reveal what I want to reveal during What's He Doing? Where's He Off To? Should we just dive into that now? And just to show we've got a sense of humour though, we've also put an elephant in the fridge. And he has destroyed the butter.

Very good. That was for me. That was for me. But now it's time for Where's He Going? What's He Up To? Oh, shit. Pretty close.

I really fucked that one up. We just haven't committed to learning the name of that at all. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the worst idea of all time. This is a podcast where Guy and I watch the same movie every week for a year. And we used to do it with grown-ups too, and now we do it with sex in the city too. I realised that I hadn't explained it at the start. Anyone jumping in on this episode?

Yeah, those are some terrifying ramblings otherwise. Thus concludes the intro for this episode. It's odd to think that context actually makes that conversation acceptable. I don't think it still would pass any form of sanity test. Yeah. So what's he doing? Where's he off to? Or, you know, whatever the combination of words are.

There's a real scene stealer in the film. Behind the ladies when they're lunching, hashtag ladies who lunch, there's a man just pounding caffeine. Every time you look at him, he's just putting more caffeine into his system. Yeah. The reason for this, you posited,

is he is... He is on his way back home to jump into a Scrooge McDuck style swimming pool of coffee. Of scalding hot coffee. He got out of the house because he's got a coffee addiction. But he's also got a lot of money, which we can tell by his dress. He's not wearing a dress. His dress suits.

He's wearing a really good suit. So he's gotten out of the house because he's like, I can't be surrounded by my coffee swimming pool. It's too tempting. And then he just goes to a cafe and slams coffee anyway. And he's like, I can't be surrounded by my coffee swimming pool. It's too tempting. And then he just goes to a cafe and slams coffee anyway. And he's like, I need you back, baby. I've missed you so much. And he jumps in and he burns his whole body.

Wow. Yeah. But he's built up an immunity to it. He's like Hayden Panettiere in Heroes. I think I said her last name correctly. Yeah. He's got a self-healing body. So he just keeps swimming in the caffeine pool.

Yeah. It's a hell of a life he leads. Yeah, man. Too much. For me, personally... Yeah, I'm going to put it out there. I don't agree with it. I'll be that lone voice in the darkness.

I think having a scalding hot swimming pool of coffee that burns you every time you jump in it, I think it's a bit much. And I think having the ability to just regenerate those, like just heal immediately could probably be better used elsewhere. Like, and for exhibit. Name me

seven ways you could better use that skill. Hayden Panettiere in Heroes won. I think she battles evil. Okay, battling evil is one. You could play a professional, you could do UFC.

You'd make a lot of money doing Ultimate Fighting Club. We'll pretend like that's what it stands for, sure. What does it stand for? Ultimate Fighting Champion. That's the league. It's like, you want to say MMA? Yeah. Yeah, so an MMA fighter. If there's any UFC fans listening, I've probably offended them.

Don't worry, I want them back. We're good, don't worry about it. All right, so number three. Number three, you could work as a wood chipper. You could work with a wood chipper, and then as a joke, every time there's a new person on the job, you could be like, all right, and the last thing you want to do is this, and then you jump into the wood chipper, and you get fired out, and he's like, no! And then you regenerate, you could be like, all right, and the last thing you want to do is this, and then you jump into the wood chipper and you get fired out, and he's like, no!

And then you regenerate, and you're like, ah, gotcha. Four? He could, oh my God, it's so many. He could cast bronze moulds of himself. He could get dressed up in fancy garb and different costumes that people want and they could cast him as a statue and smoldering hot bronze uh-huh and then like he'll get he'll get out somehow but then everyone can

have like customized awesome bronze statues love it five he could uh commit to milking himself he'd get a lot of work done on his organs, get some memory implants put in, and be the first man to produce a quart of milk. We're introducing new skills, but I'll allow it. Six? Have I got one more? You've got two more.

I've got two more. He could. I mean, God, this guy could do anything. His whole body can heal. He could just spend every day. You know when The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson are on the top of a building and the other guys

are with their partner and they just jump off? He could just do that as a joke every day. I could do and yeah, he could make a great sequel to Jackass. Well done. They're kind of the same one. That's okay though. You did well. Well done, guy.

That was a really long, long, ineffective improv game. I enjoyed doing it with you. The notes in my hand have worn off already. Attack them. I can't read them. It's okay. You don't need to. The first one was really important.

I remember that. And I can make out the words Abu Dhabi. Yeah. This is good. This is gripping. This is gripping to listen to as it is to watch, I imagine. There's a palpable sense of suspense in the room. I really can't read it.

It's just chicken scratch. It looks like I've written C-U-R-T-H. C-U-R-T-H. Oh, God. I don't know what I've written here. Why don't you look at your hand close and figure out why she wrote that? Oh, yes. The Steve spelling bee.

Steve, we thought it would be funny if every week Steve had to do a spelling bee. Yeah. Based on the phonetics of how he pronounces words. He spells everything phonetically. Because Steve's from Brooklyn, I think. Or Boston. Or Boston. They sound the same to us. Why don't you go quit your job.

Job. J-A-R-B. Job. Job. No. Yeah, that is incorrect. Oh, I'll come back next year. I'll get you eventually.

Yeah. I don't know about this one. Yeah, there's a sense of, there was a genuine sense of worry in the room. I tried to perk us up by noting that if we had a progress bar, 10 out of 52, if you just sort of count two as write-offs that have been laid, like the last two are kind of you're on the home run, you're giddy. Yeah.

But we're essentially 20% of the way through the project, which feels... That's depressing. So you pulled this shit on grown-ups as well that means there's 80 to go that is the wrong it's all about perspective we were at zero percent we're now it's true 20 i guess so we're humming along bonnie and clive we're a classic tag team, you and I. It's just, where's it all going? It's going nowhere.

That's the appeal. Look at how long that hair is I've just pulled out of my sock. Can you see that? What was your shining light this week, Tim? Uh-oh. You've really got me on the hop now. My shining light from today's watch. I'm pretty sure it was the note that I wrote on my hand that I can't read.

It looks like I've said carbon, Abu Dhabi, the number four, the word port, earth maybe, and mermaid. So like, I don't know. The first two lines, you can make out Abu Dhabi, right? Four Dhabi's four-post. Four-post, four-port? It's impossible to tell, Guy. I won't dwell on it too much. Try not to talk about it too much. Because I cannot wait to dive into my shining light for this week. I can see the cogs of your mind turning.

This was a moment in the movie that struck me today. It was so good. It was unbelievable. Because I'd never noticed it before. This is the first time I'd heard it. Easy on the preface. Let's get to the... The big moment! Right at the end, when Carrie and Big are talking

and they rehash their wedding vows from, I presume, the first movie that came out two years before the first one. And part of their wedding vows was to thine, to mine... No, that wasn't it. came out two years before the first one. And part of their wedding vows was, to thine, to mine, no, that wasn't it. What was it? It was really good. It was beautiful, it was poignant, it was memorable.

When you hear the words, you will not be able to forget them, such as the gravitas they carry. I can't remember. It was, what was it, Tim, it was? I can't remember what the article was at the start. But it was thine, mine, ours. There you go. Ever mine. We've got audience members who've got it.

Ever mine, ever thine, ever ours? Yes. Yeah. This is beautiful. Yeah, that obviously really grabbed you. Yeah, it did. I can tell by the way you retold it. With misty eyes.

I've seen the movie so many times already, and it just washed right over me. I didn't notice it. We both noticed quite a lot of lines in the movie today, which we hadn't noticed previously. There's a moment where the ladies, one of the only times they actually reference the millions of waitstaff that they've been given

by the tourism board of Abu Dhabi. They cheers them. Yes. They cheers the camel. I feel like we're facing each other too much. I'm Abu Dhabi, they cheers them. Yes. They cheers the camel. I feel like we're facing each other too much. I'm going to face away from you to the audience now. They cheers the camel drivers. Yes.

I thought. Oh, right, that was it. Yeah, no, you're right. They mention them by name. They talk about the people who have taken them out into the desert, probably pennies on the dollar. They'll be getting paid absolute shit to shovel up camel feces. Do you know how hard it is to shovel up camel feces in sand?

And especially that thin, fine, abu dhabi sand. Yeah. How do you know? That's what I did out of high school. Pretty sure out of high school. Yeah. I moved to the United Arab Emirates and I shoveled camel shit for a while. For rich ladies.

What brought on this This career choice You know I wanted an adventure Everyone else was going to university And I thought Not for me I want to go on an adventure The university of life Yes

So The first place I went to Funnily enough Was actually Nigeria What did you do there? I learned how to scam people Real good Online By pretending to be a prince was actually Nigeria. What did you do there? I learned how to scam people real good online by pretending to be a prince.

And then I went to the United Arab Emirates for a while and shoveled camel shit. And then I moved to Boston where I got a job in a chocolate factory. Wow. Yeah. You didn't know this stuff about me, did you? Well, I'm sort of in a weird zone with you right now

where I'm looking at you, and I know that what you're telling me is hideously inaccurate. Incredibly autobiographical and I'm opening up to you. Your scatty eyes and your big duffel coat and your ruffled hair and this frantic energy

that you're sort of putting out right now makes me think that this is a life you could have potentially led. Or more worryingly, that you genuinely believe this is a life you've experienced. This is the thing, guy. You think you know all there is to know about me, but we've only been

mates for a couple of years. You had no idea where I was jet-setting off to just out of high school. And don't bother checking my passport because they don't stamp those ones with the chip anymore. So you won't see it on there. And don't ask anyone because I don't like to brag about my time in the

Northern Hemisphere too much. Brings people down in New Zealand. People like Guy went to university and they get real bummed out when I talk about all my travels. Did I ever tell you about when I lived in the Netherlands? I was manning a windmill. Not a lot of people know this about windmills

but for every windmill in the Netherlands there's a Dutchman in there with a sniper's rifle just in case someone wants to go and steal parts from it because weatherboards are very expensive over there. The black market in the Netherlands... For weatherboards. For weatherboards, second-hand stolen weatherboards is insane. It's crazy.

It's like how some people steal copper and it's so valuable that they electrocute themselves stealing the phone cables out. You were trained as a sniper? I was a Dutch sniper. And you created an entire Dutch alter ego? Yeah, I had to, to fit in.

So did they know that you were not in fact Dutch, but a rewarding... No, because I'm a master of disguise. What was your name? Clogs Vanderburg. What was your name? Clogs Vanderberg. How did you speak? Next question. Okay, we'll do a job interview.

So I've just met you. I'm sorry, what kind of interview? You're applying to be the sniper at my local windmill. What would you call that? What kind of interview is this again? A job. Thank you. You may proceed. Klogs, I am German. It's very interesting to me that you apply for this job. I've not heard,

no one in this neighborhood has heard of you. You have no sort of official documentation to suggest you have ever been to the Netherlands before. You just have an empty New Zealand passport. How am I to believe that you are in fact a Dutchman and a trained sniper? Hans, let me throw this at you. If there was a trace of me that existed, how good a sniper would I be? Probably terrible. You have the job. Thank you very much. See, that's the thing you don't appreciate about the Dutch or being a master of disguise guy. You don't need to adopt an accent every time. If you use confidence and eye contact,

that will get you through most times. People generally hate conflict, so if you can set up a situation where they're butting up against a brick wall and have to call you out on your shit, nine times out of they won't do it they will just give you the dutch sniper job in the windmill what a fascinating man i've done a lot of things it truly speaks to how humble you are that has taken until now in our friendship for you to bring any of this up i mean for a lot of people this would be the top conversational line

at any dinner party, but not Tim Bette. I feel like my role in our friendship is to boost you up. I don't feel like it's about me. It's about you. It's about the top dog over here. It's about my man, Guy Montgomery.

I feel like we need to re-evaluate the power distribution in this friendship. Your backstory is tremendous. Yeah. You have a wealth of experience in a variety of fields I know nothing of. I'm not worthy to be in the same room as you. Oh, so you don't say that.

There's no need for that. Do you have a shining light? Yes. It didn't happen in the movie, but I imagined it vividly. Well, this, I don't know, I'm not really sure if that's in the spirit of what the segment's about, but go on. So Carrie comes home from Abu Dhabi having kissed Aiden,

and Big doesn't pick her up from the airport. And he makes her sweat it out a bit, and fair enough. I mean, he's got every right to be furious. Because she just pashed Aiden. A form of love. And he appears, and he explains. He says the vows, actually. It was at a very similar time to yours.

And he says, but until now, this is your punishment. I've already forgotten it. What is it? For thine? Oh, ever thine. Ever thine. So he says, ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. He goes, here's your punishment.

And it's to make, it's the wedding ring, right? Yes. I like the thing. He's not saying you have to wear this wedding ring to remind you that you're married. He goes, this is your punishment. And he opens it up and shows a tremendous 42 carat sapphire. If you truly love me, you must

chew through this sapphire with your teeth. If you truly, truly love me, you will find the willpower within you to chew through this diamond using nothing but your teeth.

Because you haven't worked in the diamond mines, eh? No, as far as I know, neither of us have worked in the diamond mines. I most certainly have. When I lived in the French Congo. It's just before I moved to Boston. But after the Netherlands. I guess it all gets mixed up in there, all the whole memory. Yeah.

It's all just blurred into one. Oh, no, it's all there. Yeah, it's all there. It's all written around in there. But what I can tell you is that it is not possible to chew through a diamond. I haven't tried to do it myself because I'm not an idiot, but I've seen a man try. That's why I think it's such a strong offer and challenge from Mr. Big.

You know? I don't know man I don't think you can present a hypothetical as you're shining light. I don't know if I'm going to allow that. Yeah. I think I cut you a lot of leniency with your seven ways that Hayden Panetti is power transfer to. Who was it who was going to hear that? I actually thought you sold me down the river with the seven

ways that power would be better used. Yeah that's true. I think you've displayed any leniency. I was going to go with 20. I cooped it. My other shining light is another hypothetical situation wherein... I don't think you're getting this. Ricard Spurt and Steve meet up and have a conversation. It's just the idea of those two navigating each other's ludicrous accents.

So Steve talking in a thick either Bostonite or Brooklyn accent. Or like maybe Rickard Spurt is the... I'll be Rickard. He's the official at the Spelling Bee. So he says the word. So our next contestant is Steve from Boston. So I'm... You're Rick. So I'm Ricard. This is hard.

You're the official. Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies. Hello, Steve. My name is Ricard Spurt. You're with today. Hippopotamus. Hippopotamus.

Hippopotamus. Could I have it in a sentence? Yes, you certainly may, Steve. Here it comes. Are you OK, mister? Absolutely. I am Danish. It is a very sexy language.

You sound like you've been chewing diamonds. Steve, here is your example. I cannot get back into my hot coffee pool because it is filled with a hippopotamus. Language of origin. I believe it is derived from Latin, like me. Hippopotamus. why I believe it is derived from Latin, like me. Ipipatomus. I-P-P-P-O-P-P-O-P-T-A-M-O-S-E. Hippopotamus.

Steve, I'm afraid that is incorrect. I'll be back next year. Steve's spelling bee was a great idea. Fascinating. Let's jump out of the world of the film for just a second. Gladly. So, once again, the internet. You just go in there to read the headlines, but never the articles.

This is how I treat it. Apparently, word in the willows is, there is the little inkling of a third Sex and the City movie. Yeah, I saw that. I read those. The fuck? Right. Just out of curiosity, have we got any Sex and the City fans in the house crowd tonight?

Yeah, we've got a few. Don't be ashamed of it. It's a fantastic television show. Would you watch Sex and the City 3, the movie? You would? Because we were wondering who would go to this movie. I guess still Sex and the City fans

just want more punishment. Share curiosity from the crowd is the only, like a morbid fascination. They're abusing the relationship they built between the characters and the fans. It's like a dead corpse in a cyclone just spinning by three times. It's like you want to be by the window each time it comes. Still gruesome. Still don't want to look at it, but here I am. Yeah.

Oh, there it is again. That dead, rotting, flesh-falling-off corpse. How did I get in the eye of this storm? It's insanity. I pledged online that if it comes out

and a grown-up's three comes out that we'll do it as a, we'll spend a whole day just watching that, that and Paul Blart more times. Yeah, okay. I'll do that. That sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon.

No. It'd be fantastic. Yeah, look, I think So this is what confuses me about Potential Sex and the City 3 is that economics don't seem to stack up because with each few years that goes by, the women hate each other more in real life. You're Sarah Jessica

Parker's and you're Cynthia Nixon's. This is hearsay. We haven't heard from any of them about their... Oh, it's common knowledge. Don't play cute with me, guy. We all know that they fucking hate each other. And that's the reason why the second movie almost never happened. So they had to just solve that problem by throwing money at them.

But as each movie comes along, surely there's a smaller audience but you've got to pay more more for the actors and at some point there's like it crosses over into the red and it amazes me that that didn't happen on the second movie to be honest but to try and get the amount of advertising they sell in a movie probably in itself. I wonder how much people pay for that. Like how much did Mercedes Benz pay for

that final shot. Yeah. For fireworks to be coming up behind it in a 4th of July style display where a Danish architect is slamming his penis. Essentially. Into a woman who's on the bonnet of the car who is 50 fucking 2

and will rock this dress. 50 fucking 2 and I'll, yeah that's right. I think what happened there is they literally just took a screen grab from a Mercedes Benz four wheel drive advertisement. I remembered what I wrote on my hand. I remembered.

I can't read it, but it just came to me. It's the fact, do you remember now? No. That didn't trigger it for you? It's the, okay,

so early on in the film, like very early on, bearing in mind the whole impetus for the four women going to Abu Dhabi is because Smith has shot a movie over there called Heart of the Desert. Yeah. And the reason why he movie over there called Heart of the Desert. Yeah.

And the reason why he's over there now is because he's shooting the poster for it. That's what he says when they're on the phone. Samantha and he. He's gone back. The whole crew's gone back to Abu Dhabi. You're back in the Middle East? Yeah, I'm shooting the poster for the movie. You're shooting the poster for the movie?

We've got Photoshop now, brother. You don't have to get on a goddamn plane and travel back to the country where you shot the movie to do the poster. It movie. We've got Photoshop now, brother. You don't have to get on a goddamn plane and travel back to the country where you shot the movie to do the poster. It's a still image. That's insane. I think it's a... That is fucking mental.

It's a tremendous insight into the headspace of the movie makers of Sex and City 2 that they thought that that was a logically plausible thing to insert into... And they're filmmakers. These are people involved in the industry. You know what? I bet you what happened is the makers of Sex and the City 2 were watching

the edit, and then at the start of it they're like, shit, we haven't even shot a poster for this yet. And they're watching the movie, and then they see it in the movie and he's like, oh, I'm back in Abu Dhabi to shoot the poster. They're like, oh, fine. That's a brilliant idea. We'll fly everyone back to Abu Dhabi to shoot the poster for the film. And then it bleed in.

Yeah, I don't know. You lost me on that, I've got to be honest. I'm saying that the people who made the movie were so moronic that they forgot to shoot a poster, were watching their own movie, realised they'd forgot to shoot a poster and stole the idea that they'd put in the movie of flying back to

Abu Dhabi. Like, no regard for how stupid that is. Yeah. Yeah, it only serves to strengthen how idiotic the people involved with this production are because it's just... You get it. We're labouring a dead, rotting corpse

in a cyclone right now is what we're doing. We're flogging a dead corpse in a cyclone. We've been doing it. I really like that metaphor that I just made up. I'm going to see if I can use it in more stuff. Yeah, I reckon that's going to really catch on. Yeah. It's a real user just made up. I'm going to see if I can use it in more stuff. Yeah, I reckon that's going to really catch on. Yeah. It's a real user-friendly metaphor.

You keep going. Like a corpse in a hurricane. Woo! I don't know why we keep going back to my parent-in-law's house for Christmas. Every year it's terrible, but we keep going back. It's like watching a corpse in a cyclone. I keep staring out the window thinking something else is going to happen and it never does I'm always disappointed

but strangely everything that I anticipated comes to fruition it's that corpse again we're in a cyclone still yep like wildfire that we'll catch do you have anything else to say about the movie Tim?

yeah here's what I want to say about the movie. It should have been shot in Australia, not the Middle East. Why? Because Australia is a fun place to be. And they could have had a better time just as individuals hanging out there. Sexual liberation is a lot stronger in Australia. Because it's the West. You know?

I feel like you've been watching this movie for too long. Like, they could go to a nudist beach. I bet that doesn't exist in Abu Dhabi. Even the new Abu Dhabi. A nudist beach. Do you know how much Samantha would bloody... God, she'd go to town. But that's where...

Yeah, I struggle... I kind of disagree with your suggestion, but I struggle to argue against it because they botched up taking them to Abu Dhabi so badly. They could have fun with the accents as well because we're pretty similar to Australia too and everyone in the world thinks we've got really funny accents. So that's comedy gold right there.

If Michael Patrick King is listening to this, he'll be frantically writing down all these ideas for Sex and the City 3. Plus they still could have got that hilarious camel toe joke in because there's tons of camels in Australia, so they could have done the same bit. Do you know Egypt imports camels from Australia? When did you learn that, Tim? I read it somewhere on the internet.

It's true, though. Australia has tons of camels. I know. You actually asked that question at one of your pub quizzes that you hosted. Did I? Yeah. Our team got it right. I didn't know that they exported their camels though. Yeah, very lucrative.

Especially Australian camels because they've got an Australian accent so they sound funnier than all the other ones in the world and people like making fun of them. Could you please do an Australian camel's accent? And now please an Egyptian camel? It's much more animated. Yeah isn't it? There's the thing, it's that Aussie twang, it's kind of more piercing. It's hilarious but you don't want to be around it for too long.

Yeah. Plus they spit less than normal camels. What, Australian camels? Yeah, because they chew tobacco so they generally swallow what they're chewing in their mouth, like their spit, their saliva. They keep it in there. Do you know that? What's their home life like?

What are their breeding habits? Their breeding habits of Australian camels mimics the breeding habits of Australians. What does that mean? Rampant and disease-ridden. They're very promiscuous, Australian camels. They're not like your Middle Eastern camels which are very conservative and tend to cover up

their genitalia. Did you know that? Do you mean to tell me that Egyptian camels have a sense of shame, of bodily shame? 100%. And Australian camels have not yet developed that part of their brain. Classic Guy Montgomery.

Classic you. You think that because Australian camels have not yet developed that part of their brain. Classic Guy Montgomery. Classic you. You think that because Australian camels show their bits, they're less developed than Middle Eastern camels? They're more developed because they're proud of their bodies. The sexual liberation movement has come thick and fast to Australian camels. It's classic you to misread the situation, you Luddite. I don't really have

a rebuttal to this. It's so far fetched and we're so deep inside it and I'm barely keeping a handle on everything as it is. You've just lambasted me. Wouldn't it be good if the third Sex and the City movie is Miranda dies and it's like Weekend at Bernie's where they've got to keep her job going,

and everyone's playing a role. Yes. That would be funny. And they have to, like, they keep the rules up for Steve. Yeah. What's wrong? You've been so stiff lately. Yeah.

Oh, so Steve is not in on it too. No. The girls are keeping her alive for Steve. They've got her rigged up to strings like a mannequin. What is that called? A marionette puppet. Can you drive us home from the movies? I think I'm a bit drunk.

And Samantha keeps having to, after they turn the lights off in the bedroom, Samantha keeps having to have sex with Steve. It's actually very loving if you think about it, because Steve's been through a lot in his life, and the girls are just trying to spare him this as well. Now, here's the kicker.

While all this is going on, Brady, because he's a scientist, after winning that blue ribbon at the science fair, that really inspired him. He knows how to harness the power of mice. Yeah, he is spending all of his time in a lab that's attached to the apartment downstairs, subterranean, trying to find out how to reanimate dead people to bring his mum back. Wow.

Yeah. You've written a pretty exciting new movie. Yeah, it's called... What is it called? Weekend with Steve. I'll work on the title. The working title is Sex and the City 3 Party at Samantha's

Is there an actual party that happens at Samantha's Or is that quite a Thinly veiled illusion To a party happening at Samantha's Miranda dies at Sam's party How does she die? Is it through maybe a drug overdose? Is it some sort of accident?

Does she drown in a pool? How dare you shit on the illustrious tradition of HBO's Sex and the City and just make up your own crazy ideas. It's a high society fundraiser that they're attending to raise money for Australian camels. People take drugs at high society fundraisers.

People are dead at fundraisers. Yeah, but it's not displayed in Sex and the City. They don't deal with that kind of, that's not them. Yeah, you're right. That's really unfair of me. The notion of three of the girls puppeteering their best friend as a corpse, one of them voluntarily sleeping with her husband, that is very much in keeping with the franchise thus far.

You forgot bad ends. But I do think that the reality of a drug overdose or a drowning in a pool at a high society fundraiser would shatter the carefully crafted world that the creators have so far built with their fans to a point that is unforgivable. I apologise profusely to you, Tim, for wasting your time. The listener, I'm sorry that you decided to forge this path into the podcast and I upset you in this way.

My parents, who I know are deeply invested in the world of sex in the city, and will be very offended and upset by the notion that I have proposed. Do you want to hear how she dies? Yes. Okay, then I'll tell you. At their fundraiser for cleaning up STIs in the Australian camel community, which they have held at Samantha's house, they have a giant ice statue of a merman holding a sword. And Miranda gets too drunk, just like we saw in Abu Dhabi

when they're doing karaoke. She gets too drunk. She was perfectly drunk in Abu Dhabi. Very're doing karaoke, she gets too drunk. She was perfectly drunk in Abu Dhabi. Very drunk. She looked like a good time. And she starts dancing with the ice sculpture and its sword snaps off and stabs her and kills her. But everyone's

very confused because it happens after the party's ended while no one's in the room. And there's no murder weapon! There's no murder weapon, yeah. So the first half of the movie is them trying to figure out how many of them died. I feel like now you're obviously more of an expert on first half of the movie is them trying to figure out how many died feel like now you're obviously more of an expert on the matter than i am but i worry that death by being maimed by an ice sword yes isn't necessarily in keeping with the reality of the world that sex in the city has thus far created with its fans in what way is it not in what way is it incongruous

and i just don't know that they've dealt with wait which one's which and i also fear that fans would accuse the show of jumping the shark if you know which it may have already done at this point if miranda was to be killed off in such a far-fetched fashion have you ever heard of a death like this no that's what makes it so exciting. You're all over the shop, man. It's going to be a great movie, and I for one can't wait until it comes out. 2017, summer.

What's it called? It's called, it's a working title is Sex in the City 3 Party at Samantha's. It's not a strong title, I'll give you that, but that's why it's a working title. It's a pretty strong premise for a movie though. Yeah. I'd like, I'd say it's, but that's why it's the working title. It's a pretty strong premise for a movie, though. Yeah. I'd say it's probably all we've got time for right now. All right.

I've got to do some work. Okay, bro. Fine. Is that okay? I mean, I know you're having a lot of fun just talking about Sex and City 2. I love that movie. There's no getting around it. Let me say this, because I love ending things on a negative note apparently, because I think

it's important for me to get this off my chest and I think we may have brought it up before but I don't give a shit because it's important there's only one moment of tension in this movie Sex and the City 2 that we watched for the tenth time today, there's only one moment of tension genuine tension and that's when Carrie loses her passport

and it is resolved approximately 150 seconds later in the film, because they just go back to the marketplace and find it, and it's there, and it's fine. The amount of time between the situation arising where it's like, oh my God, we might have to fly home coach, which first of all, fucking raise the stakes, Michael King. Holy shit. Make them miss the whole flight, don't make the threat flying home in coach rather than first class, Christ no one can relate to that who's going to see this picture

Jesus mate, so anyway it's horrible that's like 1% of the duration of this movie, it's like 2 minutes that he holds me in some sort of oh will they, won't they no, it's fine. Fuck.

How much better would Sex and the City 3 party at Samantha's be? You're constantly on the edge of your seat. What's going to happen at the party? Miranda's dead. Fuck, I didn't see that coming. How'd she die? Let's figure it out. There's no murder weapon.

Eventually we sort it out at the beginning of the second act. Holy shit, I saw it and it melted. That's why the floor was wet. It all makes sense now. And then Waking at Bernie's slapstick comedy to end the whole thing's off for acts two and three. Sounds like a muddled, confused movie. It sounds incredible. You've got a murder mystery in the first half

and then suddenly it's a caper comedy for the second half. And a dark sci-fi at the end when Brady discovers how to reanimate his mother. What you've just described is the movie that you were hoping Sex and City 2 was at the start of the podcast. That is a multi-genre romp. It's good, eh? I'd fund that. I'd like to sign off on that.

I'll co-sign that. All right. I think that might be us for another week. But I'll tell you what. Thanks very much for listening. I appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for coming. no way does it compare to what we're doing, but it's still appreciated

thanks very much for coming down, give yourselves a round of applause please it's great, thanks for supporting the Monte Cristo there's one more week, Tim do you want to plug your show? oh yeah, come to my show Dirtbags or else I'll be really sad I'm pretty sure

because I'm doing a three-week run everyone who ever could want to see the show has already seen it so prove me wrong so i'm not performing to an empty room for five days that'd just that'd make my year you're a champ i feel like this wasn't the most positive podcast of all time can you say something inspiring and uplifting i feel like i've done a lot of heavy lifting here, mate. Step up. It's because you just start talking and then your imagination runs wild. Suddenly we've got a bloody corpse.

You've got a lot of corpses in your mind tonight, Tim. Treat every day like game day. Go on. What does that mean? People don't want a lot. Is your mic still plugged in? I hope not.

They just want a bite. They want a bite-sized, they want to see Treat Every Day Like Game Day in front of a beautiful beach at sunset on Instagram. That's what people want. And that's what they got.

We'll see you next week for episode 11 and at some point in the nice too distant future, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 as well. Stay tuned for that. Love your face. Bye bye. Thanks for coming everybody.

It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time Season 2