The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Thirteen - Heron!

Episode Date: August 7, 2016

SPONSORED BY BIGPIPE.CO.NZRyan Heron (I dunno, Guy's mate? He makes movies, get over it) joins us for a Skype watch of We Are Your Friends split between NZ and Spain where Guy and Ryan are. Knowing no Spanish. Like, none. Tim's been doing some lonely drinking and finds a new appreciation for the film. Ryan muses on the possibility of JarHead losing his life rather than Squirrel, or possibly multiple boiz. The looking pool is back and we have (from memory) the first ever unsuccessful pitch session on the podcast. #JarheadsGonnaBeJarhead #DickFullOfDiamonds Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com. Are you going to play that dastardly intro again? Try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague who passed out. One of them dies, that guy's screw. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay.

One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. I agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point Hello and welcome to the worst idea of all time, episode 14 I think Is it? I had it at 13, look who cares Tim No I think you're right It's so trivial

Hi everybody, it's me Tim Batt here in Auckland, New Zealand. And this is me, Guy Montgomery, checking in from Kadikai on the northeastern coast of Spain. And we're also in company this week, are we not Tim? Yes, company. That's right, on my right presently, it's a pleasure to welcome for the first time on the podcast, a dear friend of mine and yours, Mr. Ryan Heron. Hello, Ryan. Hello, Guy. Hello, Tim. Hey, Ryan. How you doing, buddy?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm actually a little concerned that I'm going to get sunburned in the course of this recording, though. Quite right. Yes, it is absolutely another sweltering day here in Kadakai. The sun beating down upon our backs. We're in a bit of an internet snafu at our lodgings. I don't want to hear your problems. You do.

We're freeliding at a friend's friend's house. A lovely woman by the name of Beata, who doesn't know either of us, nor does she speak a lick of English. Not one word. That is a classic Montgomery adventure. And it is therefore impossible to complain to her about the diabolical Wi-Fi situation she is operating. I like that that's your barrier, though. If your Spanish was just a little bit better,

you would be giving her what for over that goddamn upload speed. No doubt. So we're literally about 70 meters from the house perched on a wall hey between the the ocean and an olive garden and i gotta i gotta jump in here i gotta jump in here guy while you guys are sunburning because this is the perfect opportunity for me to thank this episode sponsor, bigpipe.co.nz. Their speeds are so good that you would never suspect that the account holder was someone

who never spoke English. You don't want to associate BigPipe with the Wi-Fi situation. No way. I also feel like I'm painting them with an ever so slightly racist hue You don't want to associate Big Pipe with the Wi-Fi situation. Yeah, no way. I thought we made that pretty clear. No way. I also feel like I'm painting them with an ever so slightly racist hue as well with my new angle on Big Pipe. I feel like I might need to back out of that one. No, I don't know that there was racism in the air,

maybe a touch of xenophobia. Yeah, yeah. But that's all coming from our ignorant English speaking end. I'll tell you what, Tim, nothing makes you feel like an idiot faster than being in Europe where everyone speaks three languages, including five-year-old children. Do they have Big Pipe over there? And they're better looking than us as well.

Yeah, they are better looking than us. They don't have Big Pipe over here. Our Spanish listeners will be spewing at the notion that, once again, our fantastic sponsor Big Pipe is unavailable to them. Yeah, shame, Spain. Poor shame. You do so much cool stuff. it the notion that once again our fantastic sponsor big pipe is unavailable to them yeah shame spain so much cool stuff let us have one one time it's big pipe bigpipe.co.nz all right i'll stop pushing that boulder up a hill now yeah well well done guys well done great plug as always please keep giving us moneyipe, to facilitate this ludicrous lifestyle.

Absolutely. So, Tim. Guy, what's Spain like? It's really nice. It's funny, there's not even a big delay on the phone. I'm just steamrolling you when you try and throw me a question at the moment. No, that's okay. What's Auckland like?

Yeah, is there something you're hiding from us, Tim? No, I'm just a curious boy, Ryan I like to know what you guys are up to, you know How you're going Just in a inquisitive mind I'm hearing a lot of gorgeous bird sound coming through the Skype wire That'll be coming from the Olive Garden Yeah, to our front

To paint a picture Are you guys getting married in Spain? It's been very romantic. And there's been quite a lot of commentary around that fact. It would lend itself to some just beautiful... I think you guys should just get photos there anyway as if you were getting married, both in really lovely wedding suits.

It would be very hot in the suits. I mean, we're literally spending the entire day swanning around this free apartment in our underpants on a laptop, which actually, I mean, there's quite a nice segue into the conversation around where are your friends this week, Tim. It's just classic Montgomery, really, isn't it? Just bloody roll up to Spain, meet some mate of a mate, crash at their pad.

Do you speak a single syllable of the same language? No, not important Not important When we say mate of a mate He's been a little misleading there It's the mother of a mate Beata would be in her 60s At a guess Or late 50s

I mean the Spanish age so well It's impossible to put a number on it. Yeah, it is impossible to tell. She could be 80. How do neither of you guys even know like a tiny bit of Spanish? It's a pretty common language. Ryan, in his defense,

has been in Barcelona learning Spanish. Ah. Did it work? So it's doubly embarrassing that I can't communicate with her. Oh my God. Well, the issue is he hasn't learned the Spanish word for Wi-Fi yet. It's Wi-Fi.

Well, I don't know why we're still putting up with this fucking terrible situation then, man. Bad as Mal. So just whack them together and I'm sure she'll get right on that. Wi-Fi. Free borders. Mal. Mal. Hey, all right.

Should we talk about this garbage movie, gentlemen? The reason we're all brought together on this auspicious occasion. Oceans couldn't keep us apart because we've got Skype now. What I was going to say is that Ryan here is just, Ryan and I are currently in Spain swanning around the house in our underpants for the reason of we're actually in the throes. I think this is our fourth or fifth whack at a draft of trying to write a feature-length film ourselves. And this was Ryan's.

We haven't watched a movie since we've been doing that here. And so we're both kind of losing our minds. And accordingly, this is the first movie we've watched. And it was, Ryan, it was your first time watching We Are Your Friends. Absolutely, it was Ryan it was your first time watching We Are Your Friends Absolutely it was. And so through that particular lens could you please tell Tim and myself what you made of this cinematic masterpiece. To quote Tim Batt

the Citizen Kane of our generation It was a madman speaking Firstly, the insight that it's given me into what you two have been going through not just with this film but for the last couple of years it's been quite intense. I was thinking to through, not just with this film, but for the last couple of years.

It's been quite intense. I was thinking to myself as I was watching this film, this isn't the worst film I've ever seen, but if I was coming down after a big night, maybe questioning a few things about my lives, about my life, my multiple lives, a few things about my life, and I had to think about watching this film

for the 13th or 30th or 40th time. I'd be asking myself some real, real solid questions. Some hard questions. Some hard questions. You've got to buck up your ideas, Ryan. Pull your socks up, mate. It's not that hard.

It's just a movie. It's just one time a week. You just get in there, bowl it in, bowl it out, whack on a a mic and call up your old mate monty i mean the number of audio recordings i could refer to in which you bemoan the very thing that you're saying is quite easily done uh countless yeah but ryan please what is life if not for a bit of grind, you know? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say by no means the worst film I've ever seen. I don't think you're going to get many arguments from this corner.

I'd say, Tim, where do you stand on where are your friends? Is it in the conversation for worst movie you've ever seen? Fuck no. It's probably not even the worst movie I've seen this week. What else have you been watching i saw richard link link letters everybody wants some and let me tell you something that is no dazed and confused what that got that got such good reviews i've been wanting to see that film here's sims review i had a good time but it is objectively an awful movie why did you have a good time because it's a real you feel good you feel you just feel like you're

with a bunch of dudes and you go to like four different parties and that's that's it that's the whole movie there's never any stakes like that fuck man that is actually remarkably not dissimilar to We Are Your Friends. No, but at least Squirrel dies in this. Yeah, well, friend of the podcast, Michael McMillan, who many of you remember from the Work Juice Players Swing Adventure hour crossover episode where we did the Grunup's 2 script, sent me a message last week in which he said,

I miss you. I'm loving the podcast. I have no idea what happens in the movie. Every time I listen to it it just sounds like you've been out you and Tim have been for a night out

with some boys that is in a lot of ways what We Are Your Friends is but at least there's you know

there's some sacrifice in the middle there they have to kill someone what's this who is they the friends or the script writers um yeah the script writers but i prefer to think about this film at the moment within the universe of it so i'm going to say like the higher powers you know because this isn't scripted this is god wife life this is real life so ryan this is your first time watching it and obviously

as you said that uh watching it through the lens of knowing that we've watched it multiple times colored your experience but what do you make of it as an independent piece of filmmaking just getting in there guy i love that about you i love that extremelyely heavy handed The movie's heavy handed And very predictable Did you think Squirrel was going to die Ryan? Just a little bit better No I didn't see him coming That's true

That was a Came out of left field and I thought quite a change in tone To be honest Yeah was it when Squirrel died, were you like, I mean, what was your reaction? I wasn't actually watching, I was watching Squirrel die myself. Often I like to watch the person watch the film, but Squirrel dies, what's running through Ryan's head?

I mean, I guess there was a hint of celebration that you know when that happens, the film is approaching the close. hint of celebration that you know when that happens the film is approaching the close it's it speaks levels about the movie that because no stakes have been introduced and no obstacles have come in the way of our so-called hero that as soon as you see a death you're like well now that this has happened surely they're going to get with mopping up the mess they've created it's a shame the bald one couldn't have died also. Jarhead. Is that the bald one?

Yeah, that's the bald one. Yeah. You didn't like him. I mean, it would have been good to see him die. Why didn't you like him? Wait a minute, wait a minute. So, yes? Yes what?

Yes, you didn't like him. Yes, I didn't. Well, I mean, if you'd killed him off earlier, I think it would have been a stronger film. If you'd killed a few of them off earlier. That's a different movie, man. If you'd just... That's quite a different film.

Yeah, it'd be a different and better movie. Who would you kill off and what would you like to see happen? What fucking Spanish mountain are you guys on top of at the moment why yeah there's a real breeze rippling through the olive grove at the moment blasting arctic wind by the sounds of it it's just like the wi-fi cuts out so it makes you sound like you're coming to me live from a pig pen in calcutta look the wind is not arctic at all okay if anything it's making us warmer. I am sodden beneath this shirt.

You hear me, boy? I do hear you loud and clear. What kind of temp are we dealing with? Then give it to me in centigrade, not that crazy Fahrenheit nonsense. I think we were pushing, I mean, when we checked yesterday about this time, we were pushing about 31, 32. This feels probably about there. That's Kiwi temp.

That's norm. That's not a normal Kiwi temp. That's not a normal Kiwi temp. That's not a normal Kiwi temp at all. It's a dry heat. It's Kiwi hot. I would actually prefer... Tim, have you been drinking? Quite a lot.

What have you been slipping down the gullet? Since I've been watching the movie, just a few couple of beers. Well, you know what I thought was rich is that my phone went off during the film, and personally I think it's the kind of movie that I can keep on top of and monitor my texts. But Guy said this was against the rules, put it down. But he happily, I can't drink at the moment I've got a stomach issue and he happily chopped through

he chopped through beers and you were doing it as well and here I am watching it sober not able to check my phone how is that unfair you're not allowed to check your phone you are allowed to drink beer those are the rules

it's not either of our faults that your body is so pathetic right now it rejects a delicious cerveza as they say here in spain listen i didn't do well at high school spanish but that doesn't sound right to me cerveza yeah una cerveza por favor is that a brand name or does that mean beer that's the name of a beer tell me like no one's everyone understands that in the same way if a spanish person somehow flopped the word beer out of their mouth despite it sounding incorrect you know exactly what they wanted to be fair he's done a remarkably good job of making sure he's always got beer on hand thank you but you don't

want to leave home without that Ryan no sir hey um I think it bears mentioning as well that Ryan is a filmmaker I don't think we addressed that before we got to the stage where he was a mate of yours and you guys were writing a movie but I think then there does need to be some uh qualification

for his appearance you want more context do you more context yeah you know that introduction we gave him 10 minutes ago? It's really stuck in my core. You did a good job of ignoring it for as long as you did. So Ryan and I previously wrote

and he directed a short film which went well and we haven't released to the internet for fear of two cynical assholes watching and reviewing at every turn of their lives. What a demeaning way to treat someone's artistic in all seriousness though how funny would it be if i was one of them and you were not the other one that's a great idea i'd actually respect you for that yeah good it would also mean that you finally took one of my endeavours seriously, Dad. And finally won your respect.

Yeah, and on the back of that, that is what has inspired our current efforts. Beyond that, would you describe yourself as a cinephile? Somewhat. Yeah, I guess so. You like movies. I watch a lot of movies. I think about movies. I enjoy movies.

And you are a DOP-cum-director. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would probably spend more time directing these days. Yeah. And so, in general terms, you think cinematically. Yeah, absolutely. Is your life one great movie? Is my life one great movie? Is my life one great movie? Well, I don't know if it'd be a great movie. But it is a movie.

It is a movie. It's long. Ryan, I just want you to know, if Guy and I throw a question at the same time, you take Guy's, okay? And you don't even have to feel bad about it. You just grab his one, you run with it, okay? No, no. Just scream that answer i disagree with that ignore what tim's saying ryan i think

if we both ask you a question at the same time you answer the question which you feel would be more interesting for you to answer okay well i missed the other one is my life one great movie no is my short answer to that and tim's's question was, do you always think of things? No, no, no. My question was, have you ever made a grapefruit movie? A grapefruit movie? Grape. Grapefruit movie.

A grapefruit movie? Yeah. That was absolutely not your question. You are a drunk, sir. You are a lonely drunk. It's not true. None of it's true. Neither component of the game sounds accurate.

Who are you with right now, and are you sober? The answer to both is no. You're drunk and alone. Another way to rephrase that. Well, I think, you know, obviously it's very... It is easy. it's easy and somewhat fun to to pick apart the shortcomings of the film but what what elements of it did you enjoy on the whole ryan as i touched upon earlier i feel like every time i see

zach efron in a film i get to know zach efron the actor a little better as opposed to the actual character the character in the movie? Yeah, well, for me, I think that's one of the core issues is that it feels like you're watching Zac Efron always. But, I mean, this was meant to... Oh, we're looking for positive things. No, no, that's fair, but this is the purpose of the movie is this was Zac Efron's arthouse vehicle. This was him coming out as more than just a commercial movie star

and showing his real chops well I think it really missed then uh and and why is that do you think maybe that the the world of the film wasn't like clear enough to house him as anything other than Zac Efron I don't know I think they had this kind of like strange almost vice TV approach and feel to it, like this kind of counterculture youth feel to it, but that they didn't really give it enough edge. And so it came off feeling very, very vanilla. And when you say that it had this sort of vice counterculture feel to it,

do you mean like stylistically and visually? Yeah, but in quite a try-hard manner. They didn't quite nail it. Would it make sense to you if I told you the director of this film, Maximum Joseph, is best known for Catfish? Ah, is that right? That is right. Okay, okay.

I mean, I wouldn't have necessarily guessed that. I mean, that would have been one incredible guess, just to come out and say that. Yeah, it would have been a good guess. But I mean, because I always thought parts of it, in terms of the way it looks, I quite enjoy. Like, whatever Instagram filter they chose to whack over all their cameras,

I thought was a great choice. Yeah, I think it's the Hefe one, isn't it? Is that one of your favourites? Well, I just think that's the one I've used. Tim, you've gone remarkably quiet. Every time you don't speak, I'm afraid you're falling asleep. Everyone will be wondering what I'm up to.

I'm building suspense. What are you doing? I'm just taking it in. Taking in what you guys are talking about. Which apparently is Instagram filters. Which I've got to say, isn't exactly food for the soul, but you know, get what you guys are talking about which apparently is instagram filters which i've got to say isn't exactly food for the soul but you know get what you can uh yeah no that's that's an absolutely fair criticism well what i did this week um not consciously but just by virtue of i love watching the movie with a new person because it always it's like a refresher it's a refreshing

lens and accordingly two weeks on the trot with uh guests on the podcast means that i've been coming at this movie with very new eyes i've watched it through six different eyes in the last three weeks which is nothing short of a miracle i noticed a lot of the minutiae of the film uh and i noticed some some continuity areas too which i'm sure you'd enjoy i'm fucking delighted to hear about that. So... So hit me. So hit me with your continuity error. There's a very entertaining appearing woman and dog combo walking behind us. Imagine a 70-year-old French maid.

And a beautiful golden retriever. Could one of us get a little snap of that in spite of our description of her age she's moving quite quickly so early on in the movie when zach efron is sort of doing the bulk of the heavy lifting which is to say introducing everything about the movie uh verbally in a voiceover when he says these are my friends and everyone pulls the fingers at the camera and all of the actors are suddenly loaded with regret for signing up to this fucking stupid project at all yeah he says at one point uh that's where we threw down with some punks

from encino valley and i got this awesome scar i thought he said with those kids from Canuga Park oh yeah it is is it is it Canuga Park I'm pretty sure I don't even know where that is I just feel like that's what he says

yeah no I'm sure but anyway sorry not important I wrote down Encino Valley I don't know why anyway

as he's saying that like as he's saying this is where we threw down with some punks from Canuga Park he's behind Jarhead who's laying fists on someone unseen and he is not bleeding in a navy blue T-shirt. And then as soon as he says, and I got this wicked scar or whatever the adjective to describe his scar is, he's shown in a red T-shirt bleeding from the face.

Are you claiming the flashback and he's got changed that is not what happened are you claiming the flashback as a continuity error I'm saying that so they have one job in the flashback just keep him in the same t-shirt

and bleeding the whole time I thought you were just trying to claim the jump between present tense and the flashback as a like he changed clothes fuck that continuity era no no no i understand the flashback basic it's like you've the premise of a flashback you've confused with a continuity era i understand the basic concept of a flashback. Okay, you two, I don't need this right now. No, I just thought that that's what we were talking about. I thought that's what was up.

I thought that's what was on the table. I should be atop both of your shoulders being anointed as the champion of film watching, but instead I have to put up with this? These accusations I can't follow, the basic tenets of filmmaking? Great partner in film reviewing, I take it back.

Well done. No, I take it back. Well done. No, I take it all back, and I want to congratulate you, because if I had figured out through the foggy haze what you actually meant the first time around, I would be out loud a lot more excited about this. You found a continuity here. I think it's our first one, isn't it, for this film? I don't think I've seen one yet. I think it's our first one isn't it for this film I don't think I've seen one yet

I think it's the first one that we've found independent of maybe looking them up on IMDB if you've done that I didn't know that we were looking for

continuity errors look continuity errors that's kind of like an expert level game wait hold on when are you not looking for continuity errors

whenever I go to film I'm fucking searching for that shit first time yeah but I don't think you watch movies normally anymore like I'm pretty confident that watching the movie for the first time as you were ryan you're just watching a movie right yeah i mean i wouldn't say i was getting completely lost in it but um yeah yeah you're right i mean definitely i'd imagine i was

watching it i mean i did it was quite a bit disconcerting, actually, because sometimes I'd be watching it, and I'd feel your eyes on me. Yeah, really, there's nothing for that. It's literally unhelpful. It's just that I'm excited that there's someone else in the room. Actually, I was thinking, though, Tim, is this the first time where we've done a remote episode, and the guest has been...

And Tim got this drunk? Probably. Yeah, that's possible. Actually, I highly doubt that. I mean, I can't be bothered going through the back catalogue, but there's a pretty high likelihood because of the discrepancy in daylight hours that one of us has been drunk at all times. What's the time where you are?

Closing in on midnight As we say Here On the North Island We've just passed the midnight of the day It's 1.34pm here in Catticay I'll continue going through my laundry list Of minutiae observed During the film

So when Ziccoli and reed from the feelers arrive at the pcp party yes and they and they walk in and uh zicoli like he he bumps into a petite asian woman and almost hits a painting right what i noticed this week is he walks into a woman who would be a head shorter than him and about half of of his width means the colleague is ripped. We know he's training for Baywatch at the, at the time of filming, he does a full pirouette and she just bulldozes straight through. Does he fuck her up?

No, no, no. She fucks him up. Like the opposite. Completely bulldozes through. I mean, they've both got level footing. They're moving at the same pace.

In terms of physics, this makes no sense. I mean, I think it's just a reflection of how light on his feet and socially comfortable he is. Oh, really? Even when he's out of his depth, he's still light on his feet. He's still moving. He's still rolling with the punches. That's just him.

That's Zach. I like that, Reid, do you think, how much of that would you credit to the characters of Coley and how much would you credit to the drug PCP I don't think PCP makes you particularly light on your feet so it's all him I don't know man, I don't know if that's true PCP maketh the man

that's what I PCP maketh the man. That's what I know. 13 weeks of this PCP propaganda piece has finally gone through to Tim Baird. Question. Is PCP the same as fantasy? Is that a street name for PCP? I think fantasy is GHB, also referred to as G. But that's a different thing from PCP I think PCP is more hardcore

than fantasy I don't know anything about PCP You've always got one fact about PCP or one association What is it Tim? My go to in my brain is guys smoking it and then fighting cops

or like cop cars Is that can't even is this you can't even win in a fight against no it's just i feel like there's been a lot of like news stories from america where for some reason that footage i've seen oh and maybe some homeless guy killed someone with a samurai sword that's a bit might be a pcp thing that in my head that's a that's a new zealand altair land of the long white cloud god zones p pure methane yeah or maybe he a homeless person eating someone maybe you reckon that was pcp you're giving the good homeless people of the world and altair a bad name with all of these ve aspersions. Altogether, though, none of these stories are making me want to put it on my drugs to try list.

Okay. After watching the PCP scene in the film, how did you feel about it then? Yeah, well, you know, I'm a big fan of hallucinating, but that particular type of hallucination, I actually thought when I was watching it would actually be fucking terrifying. When the yellow stuff is fully enveloping his body I couldn't help thinking to myself off the back of quite an intense hallucination

of my own last weekend I couldn't help thinking that would be fucking terrifying. Doesn't look pleasant. Could you tell us a little more about your intense hallucination last weekend uh yep i was at a music festival about an hour north of barcelona and um just went for the strain uh straight old lsd hallucination and um it all got a little bit much the just the spanish sp Spanish all around me relentlessly being Spanish speaking Spanish the struggle to understand it just got too much got a little heavy do you think

it did it did it trigger some xenophobia within you was it just the intensity of the fish out of water feeling just the intensity of just the intense feeling of not being able to communicate because the small amount of Spanish I can speak just disappeared as well. I couldn't say hello. I couldn't remember the word for water. I was like a child. I remember it now, Tim.

It's not useful reminding me of it now, okay? Did you... Where were you at the time? Hey, Ryan, do you know what you can do with that attitude? Bundle it up, ram it into your own arsehole. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm a guest here. I'm with Tim on that one. There are no guests. All right, I see how this is. We're all on level footing as soon as you're holding the microphone after watching We Are Your Friends But in short I thought that

That trip looked terrifying Did you think that it at least cinematically looked good? Yes and no Actually to begin with I was thinking Oh this is a bit cheesy But when the whole world was eventually Enveloped in the effect Then I quite liked it

I thought it was kind of cool So you didn't like that kind of semi-immersion thing where there was bits of the real world and part rotoscoped. You wanted it to be all animated. Well, no, I wouldn't say I necessarily wanted it, but when it was

coming on... Well, give me a moment, Tim and I'll say it. When it was coming on on when it was all dripping on and climbing over people i don't know it's hard to say but i've never had a hallucination like that it just didn't ring true to me a mate of mine told me that uh after uh he got given a bicky um which he ate in a bar which is interesting the. The whole world turned into 8-bit. He described it as looking like Super Mario,

and then he had to run home because he was freaking out, and then the trees were trying to grab him. Sounds like your friend is a real high achiever. Yeah, big time. He actually does very well for himself. What's he doing now? Working in advertising at a surprisingly high level. What a legend.

Yeah. All those bloody advertising folks, they're drug fiends, aren't they? They're no good. They're crooks and degenerates. That's true on both counts. Ryan's got a good head on his shoulders. This is astute reading of the advertising agency. You are all over the map on how you feel about ryan right now yeah i'm turning frying

that's for sure uh similarly in my observing of the minutiae of the film actually i'm going to throw my shining light at you right now uh the shining light for me this week was when uh they get their money distributed when they're overlooking the valley yeah and um and goddamn johnny depp who just becomes more and more insufferable week in week out uh he gives them their money and everyone's like this isn't the money that we were gonna get what where's the money and he's like instead of addressing the fact that he's almost definitely skimming from the top because he's the worst fucking guy in the world he goes this is guy right who invented instagram he sold for 400 million dollars and mason or jarhead as he's known just says i haven't heard it before off mic he

just says so i remember that line too that that line struck me as is actually one of the better ones yeah and i was like fucking right jarhead like do not let this weasel get off the hook because he remembers someone invented an app and made millions of dollars. It doesn't make any sense as an answer to their quandary, does it? It's just the idea. Not even tangentially. I would have never, okay, I would never,

if I read about whoever invented Snapchat or whatever the app is and sold it for lots of money, I would never in my mind deem that an interesting enough thing to bring up with my friends virtually ever. So to do it as this momentous point where it's like, okay, you've been gearing up for this big speak all week, Johnny Depp. It's time to really rally the troops and inspire them. And the pitch is, hey, I read like a tiny 500-word piece on Forbes. It's fucking madness. Yeah, you're not wrong.

So that's your shining light. I've got a question for you both. Yeah, Jahid's saying so, with so much disdain towards Johnny Depp was my shining light. You've got a question? Fire away. What happened to... Sorry, what's Zac Efron's character's name? Zicoli.

Zicoli. What happened to Zicoli's mum? That's a good fucking question. Have you guys addressed this? The questions are bigger than not only the movie, but so far both of us. Do you have an idea of what happened? What was your take on the thing?

You know, I like to think that nothing's actually happened to her. That she's still just living in the family home teaching piano. And he just ran away. Well, not even run away. It's like two blocks away. What?

What? And he just went to live with jarheads? Because you didn't think that Zicoli was a particularly good guy in this film, did you? Me? No, I didn't. He's not a particularly good guy. I mean, even towards the end, I mentioned it to you at the time, he goes back to this guy that was, granted, not a perfect individual himself, but had been helping him out

he boned his girlfriend, then the guy gives him another chance, lets him perform at this festival and he's like, hey let me drop this track with vocals from your girlfriend the night I fucked her thanks, boom, movie's over holy fuck Ryan, you are not wrong what the fuck is that?

that is how you assert dominance that is such an intense Power play You literally need to hook it up to a three phase For it to be pulled off correctly That is insane That is a man who invited

25,000 people to the car park At American Apparel To essentially bust his dick out And wave it in front of a guy That is heavy. That is a sick burn. And that's also, I mean, that's the scene in which he's redeeming himself as well. Oh, it's where they end the goddamn movie.

This is the last we see of him. Oh, man, there's nothing about this that I don't love. of him. Oh man there's nothing about this that I don't love. It's a colleague, the crying DJ just taking his wanger out and slapping James Reed from the fingers about the face. Redragging

to the left and to the right back and forth. 20,000 gyrating tweens indifferent to the garbage piece of music he's put out. Using a fucking laptop the guy bought him. It is the Hulk's mid-insult. You should have seen the disgust on Ryan's face

during that final song. It's like you stick around for 89 minutes in the hopes that something can be amounted from this absolute drag of a film. And he plays pretty much a random assortment of sounds he's downloaded from GarageBand and some audio from a samsung s5 have you guys seen santana shreds on youtube

nah dog i haven't tell me about it well i've overdubbed a santana concert with a bunch of people with cowbells and that song and that's what jumped to mind when we started that song it looked like someone had overdubbed it and taken the piss like the version of the movie we're watching is the wrong one and it's like some parody version where the movie's exactly the same until the final song oh good it's good stuff what was your shining light Tim oh actually it's funny you mentioned when

yours was because mine's almost the exact same bit but slightly different so when uh squirrel pipes up and says Kevin Systrom and then they're all like what and he goes that guy who sold Instagram his name's Kevin Sy systrom and then jaheer goes fuck kevin systrom and that was good but it's not my shining light my shining light is immediately after that line is delivered we get just a very

brief reaction shot from skrill where he audibly gulps it's just such an unnecessary little addition to his character that like he took that as a massive affront jahid just goes fuck kevin systrom it's like we can't move on i want to know what skrill makes of that and we get his reaction before we can move forward with the rest of the film i like that garbage piece of performance must they have been covering for that to be better? Well, you said, Ryan, that the only person in the gang you liked was Squirrel. Or what was your... I just thought just purely from a performance, like in terms of actors actually coming across as somewhat believable,

he was better than the others. Why does nobody like Jarhead? I will defend Jarhead I think he's a good actor playing a bad character I think your read on Jarhead from a few weeks ago was the best I heard it whereas like you were talking about when they all show up to the pool party at James Reed's house

where everyone stands around and looks at his looking pool and um it's a looking pool. Looking pool, finally. You get out of the fucking water. I wouldn't be surprised if after that party he filled it up with really intense skin-peeling acid so that if anyone deigns to get into his looking pool again,

they learn a lesson they won't soon forget. But they all show up at the party and you're like, soon forget but they all show up they all show up at the party and you're you're like you know they'll show up and jahid jahid's gonna be jahid right like take it or leave it but he's not changing that player's gonna play hate is gonna hate jahid yeah i can respect that i respect that he's a very strong personality he's brash he's bold and there's no changing that. No amount of feedback from anyone is going to impact the way he goes about his day-to-day life. And accordingly, he's a powerful character.

So, can we agree that the guy playing him could be good? Could be a good guy, could be a good actor? Yeah, he could be. No, no no no no you've just argued in my mind you've just argued for the opposite of that that the character you've said that the character's like quite believable the premise is fine in which case it's all down to that actor being complete garbage i feel like the actor is doing a good job of playing a good character and the good character we're just not fully on board with. But he can still be a good character, right?

We're not familiar with that type of person. I think what the issue we're running into is, I think maybe Maximum Josephus' one piece of direction to that actor was, hey, have you seen Sylvester Stallone movies? I want you to talk like Sylvester Stallone 15% of the time. And he was like, it's a really weirdly specific direction, but okay, I'll have a go at it. I've actually met that guy, that director. Maximum Joseph?

Yeah, I met him at a flea market in LA a couple of years ago. What? Yeah, he's friends with a girl that I know there. And we were shopping at this flea market and we bumped into him and we were chatting with him and then we left and she was like, oh yeah, he did that film Catfish. What's he like? He's small and Jewish looking.

What's he like beyond his appearance, you piece of shit? You know, I mean we spoke for like five minutes in a market. He was friendly. He was nice. Would you have been happy if the conversation ran longer? Would I have been happy to speak with him longer? Yeah.

No, I was keen on seeing more of the market. So if he was like, hey man, you seem cool. Do you want to grab a beer? What would you have said? Yeah, totally. I mean, it's always interesting spending time with people that are involved in the same medium, the same craft. We can't out Ryan as much more successful than yourself.

He's not being a chiller because he's a chiller. Someone offers him a beer, he'll take it. He's a cool guy. This podcast is not the place. I've actually been with Ryan for several days in plus 30 degree heat and he has rejected every single offer of a beer I've thrown at him. I'm not allowed to touch alcohol at the moment, Tim. It's a dark time in my life. Are you doing Dry July? No, I'm doing Got a Parasite in My Guts from Southeast Asia. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that

rather than Dry July. I can't tell you how happy I am that you've got a parasite. It's August, by the way you fucking drunk oh shit no it isn't oh my god it's july it's july it is it didn't even occur to me that it's july and i'm not drinking i'm the disoriented one far out that really threw me for six bro i bro. I looked at the date and it was the 28th. I was like, how did I miss my birthday this year? When's your birthday? On the 19th.

I really just like for way too long thought it was the 28th of August all of a sudden. That's where my thoughts went. I like that I said it with enough conviction. You second guessed everything you know about your reality guessed I've got no confidence in myself right now Hey Tim I was telling Guy That when I was in Thailand For a job a couple of months ago

And I went on a date with a Fan of yours from Thailand Like of the podcast? Yeah of the podcast Of Tim, yeah, of the podcast. Of Tim Beck. Not as a comedian, as a person. Just someone that follows you on Facebook anonymously.

That's fucked up, man. In Thailand. What nationality is this individual? Thai. Funnily enough. Yeah, fair enough. I don't know why that wasn't the first

that came to my head. I figured it would be a Kiwi who was on holiday or something. No. Well, that's why I thought it was interesting is to think that you guys have such broad appeal.

What are the odds of that? That's a really, really unlikely scenario. It's slim. I know. It took me by took me by surprise fucking hell man that you guys would have fans i love that uh it blew my mind yeah yeah it's uh that must have been one of those beautiful moments though where it's like oh you're a new zealander do you know tim it's like ha ha ha but you know there is four million of us and then they go to that and you're like oh yeah actually i am mates with that day there was actually another one uh another friend of uh mine sparky was at a music festival in england

and another tim bat fan yeah it was at some sort of spa or sauna and as he was leaving the girl who was like the attendant there was british i don't know what music festival is a spa or sauna yeah very british uh sounds like sparky's been at a sex fest yeah one of those one of those big orgy festivals or as they call them orgies um but he said uh she was walking out and she's like oh you're a new zealander and he's like yeah and she's like oh do you know oh nah nah it's ridiculous and he was usually you'd be like yeah you're right it's ridiculous i'll keep walking but he was like no he's drunk he's like oh no go on and she's like oh do you know like i'm just a fan of this podcast where these guys uh watch me the same movie and it's exactly

the same story out of the fucking blue mate it still blows my fucking mind that anyone listens to this horse shit like especially when you're in the 45th minute of this particular conversation it's just like what are what are you guys still doing here what are we still doing here what have any of us achieved oh dim's falling down a massive rabbit hole of existential angst oh my god don't think too hard about it buddy this is why this is the last season man there can't be any more of this it's just it's just like come on everybody i had that thought when i was when i was watching the movie today and i was like i think we're the same

age or maybe like as or maybe zach efron's a little older but i was like yeah it's fine to be watching it you know when you're young and you're figuring out what you're doing and trying to create something yourself it feels okay but when you're watching stuff that younger people than you are a part of and creating and you're just shitting on it week after week. That's kind of when the buck turns. That's a threshold for sure. I just had a thought. If you guys were to do another season of this, which we were just very explicit about not doing,

but if you were, have you heard of the film Holy Mountain? No, dog. I haven't. I think you should look into that and if you were to undertake that then that would be truly mind-boggling it's a beautiful uh sort of vaguely religious name for something uh but ryan more importantly than the notion of us doing a fourth season is uh holy mountain's got 81 ones, Ryan. This doesn't look like a good idea.

It's too good. No, believe me. You watch that 52 times and you'll know a thing or two about yourselves. I already know plenty about myself. I'm quite interested in learning about other people. Mostly, what the fuck is your shining light? What was the part of the movie that you were like, you know what? This ain't so bad.

Oh, the shining light okay well oh wait so it's a bit that i enjoyed i thought we made that pretty clear through our respect i like how much of a curveball this is yeah i bet you liked that was in the movie you just watched um no it's not coming to me Can you just give me a minute to think about it You guys keep talking I'll have a think I just don't want to blurt anything out

Potentially not really Because I'm sure there's some stuff in there I like We've gone terribly long I liked the guy's cardigan Oh yeah you did It was a great cardigan Oh yeah guys mention that cardigan actually That cardigan gets a lot of praise, a lot of kudos.

You are lying, Tim. I have never mentioned a cardigan in this film. Haven't you? The one that James Reid's wearing where he's, like, waving that disc all around. No, no, no. The brown cardigan, he goes around, I believe it's after he's stooped his girlfriend, and he goes around. It's when he after he stooped his girlfriend and he goes around

and um it's when he's when he's going around there with his tail between his legs because squirrels died oh okay yeah and the cardigan that you think i like isn't a cardigan i like it was just you being like there's a shit dance move that's a shit cardigan and i was like the dance move's fine the cardigan's no that actually that dance move is awful that i i remember thinking like thinking wow they've done a great job of making that guy look like a tool you guys can rack off all right he's making a crossover from acoustic music he's learning the new dance moves oh dude look yeah you're painting me with a bad brush here you you put words in my mouth and now you're railing against them. Look, I'm into both.

I can't remember who that angry man was who didn't like the dance moves nor the cardi, but look, I'm all for it this week. All for it in this week's performance. Yeah, that's what I like about you is, you know, you come in hard and fast with opinions, but you're also very flexible on standing by them week by week. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Look, there's some important business we need to attend to. The first one is getting sentimental with James Reed. There's no way that'll sync up. Do you want to lob it over to Ryan and explain what it is? Because I think you'll be able to get it done more efficiently. As we all know well, James Reed, at one point in the movie, professes to becoming a little sentimental towards Ziccoli.

Little does he know, prior to this feeling, Ziccoli's been busy stooping his girlfriend, as you so accurately said. So he walks in, he says, I may have gotten a little sentimental, and he presents to Ziccoli a box, a MacBook Pro box. And pretty much what we need to know from you Ryan is what sort of material form has James Reid's sentimentality

taken? So what is this gift which represents him feeling sentimental towards Ziccoli? Is it a... It's not is it a, you're telling us. I'm pretty sure. No, no, no, you're telling us. It is undoubtedly a slice of that cake. His birthday cake.

His birthday cake. That is real sentimental. Yes. It's also quite good because it's kind of throwing something back in Somaly's face for no real reason. That's why it's a self-serving gift oh ryan you have really had it out of the gosh darn park thank you that is hilarious it was actually funny watching the cake scene much like with alice when she just could not believe what was happening before her eyes with the cake ryan you were in absolute bits when you were watching the cakes can you describe

the cake scene real brief, Ryan? As someone who's just laid eyes on it for the first time. Well, they're holding the cake in their hands like it's dog shit. Yeah. That would be my main point.

But what else? Is that it? What tickled you so pink about it? What tickled me so pink about the cake scene? Yeah. What makes you think I'm tickled pink about the cake scene? You were laughing. You were watching them eat the cake,

and you were like, this is all... You didn't say this was awesome, but it was written all over your face. Oh, look, this is all taking way too long. Way too long. No, you know what I'm feeling like a real hater now Because I guess the moments that I was enjoying the most

Are the worst, most unnatural moments Because that seemed to me It just felt No one would ever eat cake like that See, I'm going into bat for that kind of style He's drunk He's sort of just scrambling to try and impress his frustrated girlfriend. You know what?

Another bit in that scene that I thought was quite funny was for one short moment, he turned into an aggressive boyfriend and went, You get back down here. Get your ass down here. I actually really enjoyed his delivery of that line this week. It's always sort of jutted out at me. I'm like, whoa, James Reid, calm down, man. You're getting a bit freaky.

Then I was like, do you know what? The restraint within the actor Wes Bentley delivering that line, I was like, he got that just right. I can imagine Maximum Joseph going, bye. Now let's wrap this thing up. I've got some New Zealander I met at a flea market I want to meet for a beer. Got some cake to eat.

Good callback. Between this film and American Beauty, where has that guy been? He was getting real hammered for a while and then he stopped. He was going method for this the actor yeah i know so wait uh i looked him up on wikipedia he was like he was a waster he was a waste yeah he was

part of a documentary that charted the rise to fame of like four friends or flatmates who were all in acting and of all of them he became the most successful on the back of american beauty and became a real booze hound and then he cleaned his act up It's interesting, it's almost like he was putting in the research for this role Oh Mr Heron I have something

for you Whenever we get a guest on this show, we demand that they pitch the movie they just saw it to Guy and myself as if we were movie executives with the ability with the mere flick of one of our pens

to green light tens of millions of dollars of budget for you to make the movie so Tim and I are sitting in our co-joint executive office so this is what elevator pitch or am I in the office I want speed with this one God you're so tired

I want a fierceness Now I'm just aware That we've been We're in the 53rd minute guy That is outrageous You'll edit this down though Won't you

Absolutely not It is against The many rules All of this Is being Released on the internet Right now Jesus Is this live No it's not live Oh okay It's as good as Oh, does this go out? The many rules. All of this is being released on the internet right now. Jesus.

Is this live? No, it's not live. Oh, okay. It's as good as. Not right now, then. It's as live. Okay. Okay.

We've got it. Zac Efron plays brooding, young, up-and-coming DJ. Excuse me. Crazy man just walked into my office? You appear to just be throwing words in my general direction. I don't know if you're in the wrong office. I mean, what is confusing? You're standing in our office,

we're sitting behind our golden desk, and you just start saying words and asking character names. Sell us a movie or don't, but we do not have time for this time-wasting. But we do have time for an introduction. I'm presuming that you two as movie executives know why I'm in your office. Absolutely not. We don't know anything that goes on.

People come in and they go out. We give them money or we don't. I don't have time to tell you what we do on a day-to-day basis. Having never met a movie executive, I'm not in the best position to argue this. I don't think this is how this works. We're going to deny this project. So I have to start by explaining

why I'm in your office. You know what? Get the fuck out of my office. This is an insult to my time and to your time. Go and think about what you've done. You've just blown the one big opportunity you got in this town, kid.

Can I pitch the film we're making instead absolutely not you can't pitch any films what security arrest this man yeah this is the first time it's happened but that was a fucking affront fuck you fat cats oh man i'll tell you what it was little mean, but it was also very satisfying. Thank you for playing, Ryan. You are not getting a movie made today. Let us hope this is not an omen for the project you guys are actually cooking up at the moment. Don't worry, on the back of that performance, Ryan and I will be having a lot of team talks about how you try and sell something. something i feel like any movie executive would have been hook line and sinker taken with my opening of zach efron plays brooding up-and-coming dj i think anyone who's sitting in a room and someone just walks in and starts saying sentences without first saying hello would probably be

pretty free hey listen i've got an important question for you guys before we wrap this up. Should I go back out and have some more drinks after this? Yes. I think you're in the perfect position to make that exact decision. Okay. What time is it? It's just gone midnight. I've got some shit in the morning, though. Midnight on a Wednesday in Auckland midwinter.

Thursday. Oh, that is different. Yeah, but I ran into bloody none other than David Farrier before. He's here just for a couple days. He's an award-winning filmmaker. Oh, mate. Yeah. Bloody get out there and have a bloody talk to Dave.

Everyone should go see Tickled as well if it's in your hood that's his doco that he's just put out and it's really taken the whole world by storm still haven't seen it but it's meant to be

exceptional haven't you Ryan it's nationwide in America right now and it's about to be released I can't remember what the date is in the UK

that's it David some fans will remember he joined us I think on season one we should get him back I should have done that tonight I don't know if you can afford him now to be honest That's it. David, some fans will remember, he joined us, I think, on season one. We should get him back, eh? I should have done that tonight.

Get him back in the room. I don't know if you can afford him now, to be honest. You're not getting paid. No one gets paid. No one gets paid. There are several rules, Ryan. No cell phones. Shining lights are supposed to be positive.

You've got to enter into the spirit of the role play when you're pitching the movie, and no one gets paid. An uneven, but ultimately okay performance. Okay, let's go. Thanks, Guy and Ryan, especially. Especially Ryan. Ryan, I feel like I've thrown some negativity your way and you've handled it beautifully.

Hey, to be honest, I've had a really, really fun time time i wasn't sure quite what to expect but thank you for having me in your office it's been a pleasure we're no longer in the office just let him have it stop trying to pitch all right see you later tim have fun having some drinks with dave thank you so much. Yeah, I don't know. I might flip a coin. Which probably suggests you guys have given me the answer I don't want. If I'm looking for other ways to determine it, then I should probably just

not go. Look, I'll tell you what else you shouldn't do, is mull this problem over on the end of an already inflated episode of the podcast. You're so right about that. Thank you so much for bearing with us, listeners, and to bigpipe.co.nz for sponsoring us. Oh, the network's up now.

Go check that out. Great plug. Thank you. Definitely in the bit of the podcast when everyone's still listening. And has a lot of faith in me. Go to littleempirepodcast.com and check it out

it's cool goodbye ciao bye you're gonna play that dastardly intro again outro intro intro intro intro intro ow this movie's still fine

this is a cully bastard one of the guys that goes screw one of them's a hottie his name is Jay one of them looks like Johnny Depp and his name is Johnny Depp Classic Maximum Joseph. You forget that films are supposed to have a point.