The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Thirty Four - Bit German

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

SPONSORED BY AUDIBLE.COMTimbly is at a Tokyo airport, Guybo is in a hot Auckland flat. Both are united in their fight against WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, a movie that has now had its wicked with the brave boyz 34 times. A deeper dive into the Devil Narrative, an investigation into strip malls, Monty speaks German and Batman gets on a plane, leaving about 10 minutes of this episode as a one sided convo. What will be revealed? LICK IT (with your ears) AND SEE (with your ears)! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. We're doing a mini-festival with your favourite shows in Auckland, New Zealand on February 25th and 26th. Details and tickets are at littleempirepodcast.com slash live. You're gonna play that dastardly intro again? Intro, intro, intro, intro, intro, intro. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague, a pastor. One of the guys that goes through.

One of them's a hottie, his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp And his name is Johnny Depp Classic Maximum Joseph You forget that films are supposed to have a point Hello and welcome to the worst idea of all time I already forgot, you just told me Episode 39, did you say?

You, in a land of dreams tim it would be episode 39 i don't know what fucking planet you live in or country you are currently standing in whereby you think we have blitzed through five weeks of this project it is episode 34 it all starts molding into one uh this is tim back coming to you from narita i think i'm saying that right airport in tokyo japan on my way uh out of this gorgeous country most wonderful and it's me garth montgomery broadcasting live from my lounge in graylin auckland new zealand why are there no tv shows that do come from a lounge you know what i? Because they always try and recreate the set of a lounge, but no one's making a TV show that's beaming out from a lounge.

Do you know how long it took me as a child to wrap my head around the concept of sets? And how genuinely confused I was by the fact they weren't just using pre-existing rooms and houses and instead building these fake ones. Yeah, I can understand how for a kid that would be a bit of a nightmare concept to try and grasp.

It's just crazy to me. I'm surrounded by a lot of distractions, a lot of bright lights, a lot of noise, a lot of people by immediate proximity. Yeah. If I may, Tim. So after the last episode we recorded, when you'd arrived in a beautiful jazz bar...

Yeah, in Kyoto. And I believe we spoke briefly on the train, didn't we, when you were travelling there? I think we, yeah, you and I tried to make it work on the train, but the Skype connection couldn't hold because I was travelling much too fast. Yeah, so I then, I had dinner with my sister, who's just moved to Auckland,

the same city that I live in, that evening, and her flatmates, and they were talking about how one of the biggest social faux pas you can make throughout Japan is speaking on public transport. Absolutely. Without question. Were you fully clued into this fact? Oh, of course.

You can't not be and be a functional member of society. You walk in there, you know how you just get the tone of a place walking in? The tone is set. You know who ignores the tone? Australians. tone of a place walking in the tone is set you know who ignores the tone australians the only set of people who i've been surrounded with in this gorgeous tourist hot spot um that breaks that cardinal rule are aussies and they are so loud and so brazen they are truly the new americans i love that you're sharing this and i'm also sort of flummoxed by the fact you're telling me this in between admitting uh to the knowledge that you were breaching this exact same

social construct no look the hypocrisy is not lost on me but let me say this in my own defense right now i'm fine i'm in an airport there's a lot of noise going on everything's moving and shaking this is okay on the train i was trying desperately to be so quiet and i thought it would be you know almost funny to go against the grain to try and do a record in that kind of an environment much like the jazz bar you know i was disrupting a social norm but i was acutely aware of it the aussies they're just yelling for no good reason the other argument you could make is that uh to ears outside of the antipodes the australian and the new zealand accent is so similar that uh surely if anyone was to lay an accusation of being rude at your feet you could just dismiss

it as the behavior of a rapscallion from our hotter neighbour to the west. In fact, maybe the people who I was encountering yelling a lot were actually Kiwis, and I myself couldn't even discern. The thing that got me about it, Guy, is that it was like half a dozen dudes and it was in an elevator. I was like, come on. This is the closest proximity you can be to perfect strangers in just everyday life.

And you guys are positively yelling to each other. It's not right. I dream of one day having either obnoxiousness or confidence to just continue a full-fledged conversation into an elevator with multiple other people. I think it's such a badge of honor for those men. Just so you know, Tim, the Wi-Fi in the airport at Tokyo is a little bit choppy. So I'm just letting you know that. I can't imagine that there's anything you can do about it. But, you know, the more you know.

I'm still on my 4G. I'm trying to eke out the last bit of value from my SIM card before I leave. Will you just download video content that you're not even interested in before you leave, you know, gigabytes or megabytes on a plan? I've downloaded a shitload of podcasts, I'll tell you that, while I was on the train. It was a good time. Exciting times.

Anyhoos. We've done everything but address the fact that we just watched We Are Your Friends for the 34th time. The elephant in the room. and what an elephant um tim how was it for you where were you watching it how hard or easy was it to focus on the action so hard to focus on it despite me being on a train so there was i was just in a seat there was i mean there was a window to look out of but my headphones were in um so in an audio sense it was completely encasing me but i just it was impenetrable this week i couldn't engage with the thing couldn't get in there couldn't get into the hearts and minds and souls

of these boys that is so interesting to me because i was just on my haunches going in and then somehow managed to extract not the most value but certainly the most eagle-eyed screening i've had in a while um i think just to remedy how sad i was feeling about it i somehow my mind still drifted but i was watching it like a hawk couldn't put anything past me this week huh you You did warn me that you took a lot of notes on this watch. I'd love to just jump right in and start digging through that scrappy notebook. As would I. Tim, I'm going to put it to you.

When the boys get paid their feeble sum for filling that nightclub with 562 patrons, filling that nightclub with 562 patrons. And Jarhead is furious with whoever's in charge of, you know, taking care of the books at said establishment. Yeah. Does he say, I'm going to murder that cheesy motherfucker, or does he say, I'm going to murder that cheesedick motherfucker? I didn't hear the MF. Every time I've heard it, I'm going to murder that cheese dick.

Oh, you didn't hear a motherfucker. Maybe it's a separate comment that he makes afterwards. I'm going to murder that cheese dick. Pause. Mofo. I'm in an airport. I'm not going to say it. Yeah, yeah, no.

And fair enough. Fortunately for you, the motherfucker is the least of my concerns. Have you always heard cheese dick? Yeah, that's what I've been hearing week after week. Quietly between you and me and anyone who's catching this audio, I once again returned to the familiar shores of my slightly illegal, slightly German stream of the film. And in the captioning, it said cheesy.

And I thought, I don't know why I second-guessed myself. I mean, I don't know who's more familiar, the annotator with the film or me. But I thought, surely he was saying cheese dick motherfucker. It seems so restrained to call him cheesy. You've got it. Back yourself, baby. You've got to back yourself out there. I'm worried about you.

You're starting to lose confidence in yourself. And if you don't have that, what are you left with? Nothing. Don't trust the German stream that you found illegally online with some random closed captioning. Trust your own heart. It's easy for you to say that,, you're probably watching a beautiful crisp version you know, legally acquired but

I'm over here, you know paranoid, second guessing the very behaviour which has led me to watching movies on illegal German streams because the other thing that happens is when it's a technique deployed only occasionally,

but you know how Zicoli occasionally will flip into narrator mode and the words that he's saying will appear on the screen. Yep, so does Paige. He gets that magic power as well. Paige certainly gets that treatment. And let me tell you, I'm very excited to share my learnings about that with you this week. But before I do that... about that with you this week.

But before I do that, so when Ziccoli says, we've got the best sushi in America, we've got the best sushi in the Western Hemisphere, and it's always at the strip mall, the words that blare up on the screen, which are ostensibly written in German, are shopping mall. And then that got me wondering whether or not the term strip mall is international

or if it's just American. Because I remember there was another thing when I was younger, I had trouble understanding what the service provided at a strip mall was. Yeah, I don't think I knew what a strip mall was really before this film. It was something I'd heard of oh actually it was probably us going to LA but I don't think I was familiar with the concept before actually seeing it in the flesh and that was at the ripe old age of 20 whatever seven six something yeah it's certainly um I don't know I these are these this is I was just swimming in these German conundrums throughout the film.

Yeah, it's pretty weird that it's thrown you so off base, mate. And also that you thought it warranted writing down. Because I've got to say, for me, not top content. Not only did I think it was worth writing down, I thought it was worth reading aloud to you after the fact. I hear you. And whether or not you think this is relevant or good content, it's certainly undeniably how I was and am feeling

after this experience with the film. And I would never question that. More excitingly on the German front, what I did wind up with was Paige's speech annotated for me. What's going on over there, guys? Sorry, Tim. I've just lost my headphones. It would have sounded quite harrowated for me. What's going on over there, guy? Sorry, Tim. I've just lost my headphones. It would have sounded quite harrowing for you.

The inspirational speech, the world-famous mouthful of concrete, dick full of diamonds pep talk. I got given a German translation of how to say, I do not believe in anything that is not concrete. And let me tell you, it makes for a very powerful sounding and looking message. Can you please recount it for me? Oh boy.

That's good. See, that's a key. That's a hell of a note. Can you give it to me one more time, Guy? With supreme pleasure. Bloody good stuff. German is a powerful language, isn it yeah it's uh you know it doesn't have rounded edges edges it's all it's all corners yeah yeah you're right about that it's all hard

edges on there i mean it is a pretty um powerful statement though even in english but the german is like some sort of blunt instrument, some sort of sledgehammer. I love that about it. I feel like it's leaning into the mood of that moment. That's really cool. Maybe he should have delivered it in German anyway. Well, I imagine, I don't know how it works.

Gosh, this is very ignorant of me. I don't know. In other countries, I guess when we broadcast movies in English, they're a foreign language. Instead of re-dubbing them, we just watch them with subtitles. But, you know, TV shows and stuff foreign language. Instead of re-dubbing them, we just watch them with subtitles. But, you know, TV shows and stuff, they get actors to re-dub all the lines.

I wonder if there's a German... Stuff gets re-dubbed for us to watch as well. Probably my biggest experience with that, funnily enough, is anime. Yeah. Dragon Ball Zs and whatnot. It feels like it would be pretty weird to watch anime with subtitles i reckon it'd be better though because i feel like they're doing less fucking around with it and you're getting a more pure product yeah they cut all the best stuff out

of um all the american anime because everyone freaks out about upsetting the kids. Kids love everything that you feed them, both in terms of actual food materials and content on anime shows, all the way down to just the way you talk around them. Sex. They're just sponges for content. Absolutely. I just want to tack on something to,

you brought up earlier the moment where the boys get paid. How loudly is that coming through, by the way? Because there is a hugely distorted voice giving me instructions which are indecipherable to me. I don't even know what language they're being spoken in. I feel like they're coming through probably pretty loud for you as well. No, certainly it does feel like someone has to get on an airplane pretty urgently, Tim.

But as far as I can tell, that's neither of our problem. The moment where the boys get paid, like this occurred to me a little bit last week and just had it home this week as well, so I might have brought it up last episode. I don't know. There is no way that Johnny Depp has not stolen the money off of them. Oh, I know. And it's crystal clear. Because, first of all, if you were the owner of the club

or even like the staffing manager or whatever and you're paying these promoters, there's no way you're going to go to the trouble of dividing it up to respective envelopes, depending on how many people are receiving the end product. That is not something you would spend time doing whatsoever. And then when they figure out that they've been short-changed he changes the subject to this bizarre diatribe about instagram instantly

apropos of nothing this this strange non-sequitur and just to try and blindside them with some other thought process so they take the heat off him. It's never been more obvious to me than this week that Johnny Depp has stolen from the boys and put them on a cataclysmic course towards Pageville, who we found out in the last episode is half of this universe's interpretation of the devil. Undoubtedly, Tim.

And more than that, I think... Oh, no. More than that... Oh, fuck, I've actually lost my train of thought entirely because what you said in the middle of that was we received on the Facebook page in between watching the movie

and waiting for you to clear customs in Japan our first voicemail sent through as a message. We have literally never received one of those. This is really friend-zoned territory, but I'll allow it. Did you ever listen to it? Yeah, I did. And it was just a guy called David who'd previously sent us one message saying that he was just a fan of the podcast.

And it's like 37 seconds long, and it's just him substantiating and supporting your claim that Paige is the devil from last week. Oh, yes, please. Would you like me to play that for you? Can you somehow? I can have a go, yeah. Okay, let's try.

Oh, actually, this is going to be confusing. We'll just bookmark that for now. But absolutely, he does. He comes out there with less money than they have. And I've got to say, I think you can trace it back to the fact that the drug dealing game is falling apart at the seams for him. I think he's started taking more than he's been selling. He's got to move a lot of money around.

He's panicked. You can see his brain's not there. He's scattered. He's shaving off facial hair willy-nilly. He's talking about inventors of Instagram and pyramid schemes through real estate. Yeah, he's off on all sorts, isn't he? And do you know what I noticed this week as well, is when we're at the PCP party, what is prominently positioned behind Ziccoli but a goat skull?

Prominent iconography from Satanism. No doubt. And then another thing I noticed about Paige's business this week was, are they trying to bury the lead a bit? Like, because the first scenes you see of Zic then working there it's all it all like you know it's a sham but also it's not overtly a sham he's like we help people who need our help uh don't ask questions i fuck diamonds see you later and he's all in german which is also also this is another, this will be brave, just akin to that Johnny Depp comment I made before. Okay, I've listened to it twice in a row now with headphones.

There is no way he is saying anything but fuck a diamond. That shit's forever. Like, there's no other possible reading of it. Oh, I mean, I appreciate that you've finally, you know, convinced yourself that's what he's saying. I have firmly believed that for as long as it's been detected. There's a difference between us goofing off and reinterpreting something. There's no other way to hear what he is saying.

The sounds that his mouth are making, that's what he's saying, undeniably. In fact, I would love to see what the German stream threw up for that particular phrase. I didn't observe that this week, so I can't report to you, but maybe another time. Got it. Sorry, anyway.

I can't quite remember. All I was saying is that Johnny Depp has started taking his, oh no, they've buried the lead at Gold Star Reality Solutions because,

you know, he's like, blah, blah, blah, this is what we do, but you don't necessarily know we're bad guys and then they start doing work and, you know, you see Zcoli starting to put cash in a shoebox,

which for me is, you know, fucking alarms are ringing immediately, but Ziccoli seems to be either willfully ignorant or happily ignoring where that cash is coming from. And then the first few times you see him put the money in the shoebox like the music that's supporting it is buoyant and triumphant it's like whoa he's making music he's making money look at zach efron go and then after he guiltily takes fifteen thousand dollars for sitting in a room while page just absolutely bends this poor homeowner over and just fucks the shit out of them uh he puts the money in and suddenly he's like, he's glum, the music's glum and it's sort of like, this is supposedly the moment of realisation that, hey, you know, the money comes out of somewhere and maybe this job I'm

holding down ain't so crash hot. Maybe this movie should have tried to do that with everything. So it's like, gives you this triumphant moment of seeing zicoly being successful in his employment and business then pulls back and revealed that money's coming from somewhere shows you the sweaty heights of what it means to be at an edm festival shows i guess it does show you the grim reality of squirrel dying of a drug overdose. Shows you the euphoric experience of falling in love and just wanting to pash someone right in the face. And then pulls back and reveals that sometimes a guy who knows Brazilian jiu-jitsu or Muay Thai will slam you down on some bathroom tiles in a strip club.

You think all the action could be or could have been a more powerful metaphor for the highs and lows of that party boy? Just of life. Just of everything, I think. An even broader metaphor. Absolutely. Just a whole permeating philosophy the theme of this film is

every coin's got two sides you know every diamond has many facets with which to fuck I hear what you're saying I think the problem with that idea is

no lesson is learned like you know when you do an English essay in high school in English where you study a film and they make up a big dumb thing

about what the theme is which the teacher has clearly gotten from some textbook that they've been given which someone just made up in a room somewhere and they're like this is definitively

what this movie's about you can make a strong argument that that's what We Are Your Friends is about that they've been given, which someone just made up in a room somewhere, and they're like, this is definitively what this movie's about. You can make a strong argument that that's what We Are Your Friends is about. What you just said. Yeah. Consequences. Yeah, I mean, you could make a strong argument about anything

if you really felt like it, but it's all shit. What a cop-out. He fucks his mate's girlfriend. He, like, kills his friend with drugs. He takes like $15,000 from a woman who's losing her house. Yeah. And at the end, he's still just having coffee and doing fine and having sex with Somali.

That's a really good point. That's a real good point. And actually, the very last shot we see is of him being a successful DJ at a music festival, which is the one thing he always dreamed of. Also, in spite of the fact he still can't make very good music. Yeah, there really are no consequences. Yeah, okay. I feel you, guy.

You've really shot me down in flames. It's fine. It's just... And then the other thing, like there's other stuff I noticed. Like, you know when he makes that first song when they get so many to do the vocals and it's all very exciting. I think it was even one of our shining lights one week.

Maybe mine. You know, there's a scene in that sort of montage where he's at home listening to the song and his headphones in his room and dancing by himself. Yes. It's awesome. Yeah.

It's a Coley dance. Do you want to know what's even more awesome? What? There are definitely, because I double checked, triple checked this week, there are definitely

two people fucking in his bed behind him while he's like got his headphones on and is dancing facing the other way. What? There's

What are you talking about? There are figures in the bed. Go back. Watch the tape. You watch the tape and you tell me that there aren't people in that bed. Go back, watch the tape. You watch the tape and you tell me that there aren't people in that bed fooling around. Speaking of bearing the lead,

if what you're saying is true, how did you not start the episode with this revelation and instead took me on some winding path about German translations? It comes out how it comes out, baby. Don't you tell me how to run my conversation. Is that true, though?

No goofing. No goofing. That is amazing. It is amazing because it begs the question, first of all, does he know he's there? Second of all, has he come back to host a threesome and then been kicked out? And his reaction to that is,

I will face the other way and not listen to a fucking thing for as long as it takes you guys to do this. I'm blown away by that. So is it like a little mini orgy scenario? Do you think this is supposed to tell us that the song is so good that he is so into it that he won't won't even note it like because that's got to be the most intense thing two things one you being in the same room as two people having vigorous relations or number two being in a bathroom where someone is taking a horrific

noisy dump that would be the two ultimate tests for me of what a good song can do to you in terms of bring you into your own world i think yeah very interesting uh two instances namely because in one of them uh there is like a very visceral and overwhelming and like overwhelmingly negative smell attached yeah that's true and there's also you also more intimacy in terms of space between you and the person taking a shit in a public restroom whereas a bedroom as large as the Coley's

he could conceivably be 15 metres away and dancing with no idea what's happening. They could have watched him listening to that song

on his headphones for like 15 minutes being like I don't think he would notice if we went in there and had sex on their bed. Yeah. Man, I can't think he would notice if we went in there and had sex on their bed.

Yeah. Man, I can't wait to see this next watch. Except that means I've got to watch the movie again. Once again, this chat of sex and poo seems like the perfect place to take a brief break and see who we're sponsored by this week.

This movie's still fine. I know it. You know it. It's time for our listeners to know. This week we're sponsored by this week. This movie's still fine. I know it. You know it. It's time for our listeners to know this week we're sponsored by Audible. Still in it, baby. They are listening to these ads

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This week, I've been in Japan. I'm in Japan right now. And an author that my girlfriend is very fond of, I think you've read a couple books by this gentleman as well, Haruki Murakami. Oh, yeah. Guess what? He's on there, baby.

He's definitely on there. His books are there. You can download them, have a listen to them. Where else would they be? He is the business. He's got a very interesting book. If you haven't even read any of his fiction, he's got a very interesting book called

What We Talk About When We Talk About Running, or What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, sorry. And it's about the marriage of his creative process and his love and sort of the meditative qualities of running. It's sort of biographical, but also a very interesting insight into the mind of one of the world's foremost creative thinkers, Tim. Yes. This great service, if you want to visit it, just if you're curious, all you have to do is visit audible.com forward slash try now. That's audible.com, A-U-D-I-B-L-E dot com forward slash try now. And you will get a free 30-day trial and one free book.

And that book is there as well. I just checked. What I talk about when I talk about running. Go get it. Audible.com slash try now. This movie is still fine. And we're back. There we are.

Guy, I took some notes as well and I'd like to kick off with my shining light if I may. Of this section of the episode. Also, it's a real race against time at the moment because my battery on my laptop is fast draining. It's telling me that I've got about 20 minutes left. What does that mean

in actual minutes? Do you know? Who knows? Who really knows? I only think the computer knows. It's taking an educated guess. Computer and phone batteries are the opposite of sports games, like American sports games

whereby when you're watching say a quarter of basketball it lasts 12 minutes but everyone knows it lasts probably closer to between 30 and 40 because of all the timeouts yeah so the amount of time it says it will take and how long it takes is longer all technology batteries are bold-faced liars and i do not know how they're still getting away with it just collectively shorten your expectations and lessen our disappointment 100 and they also do weird things like it'll go from 100 down to 60 instantly and then hang around the from 30 to 20% mark for like, I don't know, six hours? It makes no sense. It's craziness.

Anyway, my shining light this week is when we're at the party that James Reid from The Fearless has hired Zicole, the crying DJ, to DJ at, and he's giving the very sanctimonious speech to Somaly about how music works. And then, oh, wait a minute. Yeah, that is that party.

And then the boys show up to pick up Sikoli. Thank you. He needs to be shouted down for that fucking speech. He bloody does. And this is a woman who spends all her time at EDM festivals and, like, booking gigs for James Reid, the biggest DJ in in the world she knows what tempo is mate he's so confident he's interesting it's insane eddie who's at that party um eventually our attention turns to jahid to screw and to johnny depp who show up at the party to pick up Zicole but they are ready to party

and Zicole gives them one instruction just be cool Jarhead is insulted at the notion that he wouldn't be announcing to no one in particular he's the coolest fucking guy in the world and then proceeds to start a fight with someone because he's interrupted a

a little session of someone trying to get a piece from a girl poolside. And then he gets mad like he's not the bad guy in the situation like he clearly is. And then ends up calling someone saying that they are dressed like Hillary Clinton, throwing them in a pool. Here comes my shining light guy. You ready for it? Like a curveball.

When we go under the water of the pool to follow the gentleman and into the looking pool we are through the music the music suddenly goes into an underwater zone where it like cuts everything out except for the base and it gets really watery and every time we've got a shot from up above the water level it goes back normal and then we're back down to the underwater camera and it gives us that warbly kind of sound i'd not noticed it before um it's impressive work and post pro from our audio person i just want to commend them for that it's one of those things that i feel like i haven't not noticed it but i've just kind of absorbed it without consciously articulating it in my own head you know a beautiful moment and a triumph in filmmaking guy also guy guy i've just

been told that we're boarding so um keep talking i'm gonna keep recording for as long as i'll allow but let's let's get through the business okay well may i just say that you set the scene for that shining light beautifully i mean to say that you're the coolest in the world and then start a fight because someone doesn't want to listen to you talk about the sushi they have in the valley. Yeah. I mean, you couldn't say something and then deliver the opposite anymore if you tried. Now, my shining light, Tim, if I may,

is when Ziccoli first hears that Somali's working in a cafe and he sort of heads out there to say, what's up, how are you? He arrives outside the cafe. He's carrying a skateboard. They never show him riding it, I guess, because maybe he can't. And there's a guy sitting outside the cafe,

like, staring at his phone with his hand on the side of his face, looking quite like a misery guts. Like, things aren't necessarily going that well. The next thing we see is a shot from the inside of the cafe looking at zikoli from the torso up and he's walking towards the window almost directly in terms of physical space towards where that very miserable man is outside looking at his phone drinking his coffee the next thing we see is somaly and then back to zikoli tapping on the window to be like hey I'm out here

Literally the only space he could be occupying Is directly on top of the table Where this miserable guy is looking at his phone There is no way Ziccoli's dick is not in that guy's coffee right now There's no way in terms of physical space That anything else could be the case

and um I gotta say once you see it the box office gold yeah just getting it ready for the next scene um

far out that'd be quite exhilarating if you were working on the film and that happened to you though if you got that kind of exposure from the man himself Zac Efron

yeah I mean certainly thrilling but the movie doesn't really address it at all and then kind of exposure from the man himself, Zac Efron. Yeah, I mean, certainly. But the movie doesn't really address it at all. And then, you know, what do we know? What's to become of this guy? Like, this could be an origin story for Coffee Guy. Whoa.

You know, there's a reason he drinks that coffee so fast. Because he's afraid someone's going to come over and fling their dick in his cup yeah yeah okay that could be it that's a very specific fear well i would defy you if you're in a public space where you think generally speaking you're going to be able to get the coffee mug from the table in front of you to your mouth without fear of a dick arriving in it, and then for some reason that innocence is taken from you, I'd say that would stick with you. I'd say that would probably have a permanent impact on the pace at which you drink your

coffee. No doubt. It's going to be etched in your DNA. It certainly is. Certainly is Well I don't know if you could real quick Come up with a little Getting sentimental

Because this gate is coming before my eyes 1936 I'm looking for 42 Only if you'll sing with me Oh boy Here we go Getting sentimental With James Reid go three four getting sentimental with james reed airport edition uh james reed is he knows that it's a coal he works he works you know on the move he moves around a lot for travel

just to give you a mental picture as well zoe checkeded me what is a combination of a bemused but very side-eye-y look at that little number that I performed on an escalator. As well it was deserved, Tim. The behaviour you were displaying is anti-social and bizarre.

Yes. He knows the coal he moves around a lot for his work, whether or not it's taking people's houses from them It's driving to sell drugs at music festivals It's flying to gigs around the place

What does he need for these travels? A knife A knife that can fold in on itself You know how pro I am of this particular direction Absolutely It's got a gently serrated edge It's got a clip so you can wear it on your belt. This is a Tim serving gift.

This isn't self-serving for James Reid. It's just bigger than flying size. And I'm starting to get a little box office gold myself just talking about it with knives. Yeah, well, all I'm saying is it's practical. It's self-serving. What's not to like about it? And that, to the best of my knowledge, is exactly what was inside the box this week.

Mate, you nailed it. On that note, I'm going to go. Feel free to wrap up the episode by yourself, Guy, if you just want to go slightly longer and put a bow on it. But I'm going to bail because I've got to get on a plane right now. Yeah, sure thing, buddy. I'll see you later. All right. All the best. thing, buddy. I'll see you later. All right. All the best.

Bye, everybody. Bye, Tim. Have a good flight, Tim. Bye, Zoe. Bye. Goodbye. Yeah, you are. For those of you still listening uh zoe just accidentally said as i said goodbye zoe uh she said hi tim bye tim bye guy which was a very funny fumbling of names

and to those of you who are interested i'm going to run on for a little bit longer because there was one other thought i wanted to get out and with or without tim i believe it is my job to share it with you and there's no one to tell me whether or not we've discussed this before so you know we're just going to go with it um when zuccoli returns to james reed's house after everything's out in the open, Squirrel's dead, he's had sex with Somaly, he's made a real meal of things. He's sort of got his tail between his legs and he's saying, Squirrel died, I don't know if it's my fault. And he's sort of, he's beaten up on himself.

And James Reid's a mess as well, by the way. He says, I haven't made shit in weeks. he says i haven't made shit in weeks which is certainly an ambiguous turn of phrase when you think about it um because because i haven't made music in weeks you said i haven't touched my laptop in weeks because i haven't made shit certainly opens up the possibility that maybe there are some dietary problems uh maybe too much zikoli pasta and not enough fiber preventing zikoli's body from functioning in the way he wants it to. This is then followed up by James Reed saying don't need to be years, suggesting that years and years of alcohol abuse have rendered his colon and bowels redundant. He is literally filling up with shit from the waist up. And very tangentially related, I have been sort of away from home a little bit recently.

And there's a calendar I keep with my girlfriend in our room. It's actually hers. With different poo facts for different days of the month. And I haven't read them since Monday the the 6th of february the first one here is the perilous powder room it's the most dangerous room in your house it's the bathroom with over 230 000 injuries occurring each year in american bathrooms alone interestingly it's far more dangerous for women whose bathroom injury rate is 72 percent higher than men's. Well, isn't that something? Take care out there, everybody. Not strictly a poo fact, but certainly something to bear in mind next time you nip

off to the bathroom. February 7th, there's something about Flatulence humour, which I will read. In Tales from 1001 Arabian Nights is, whether or not that's fiction or non-fiction, but it's only a neat little premise for a story. Wednesday the 8th of February, poop on a rope. For the advent of toilet paper, sellers used frayed rope to wipe. But that's not the grossest part.

This is they all shared one rope. That is truly disgusting. Unforgivably so i'd almost say but you're gonna make do with what you got so it's not unforgivable i retract that to any sailors uh listening to the podcast who are still alive from the time when you shared a rope to wipe your butt i apologize for any offense caused uh also for those of you still listening i'm up to thursday the night of february and i'm going to keep reading these all the way up until we arrive at today's current date which is uh monday february the 20th so 11 more of these to go do you know toilets and technology technology has changed every aspect of our lives including

how we use the bathroom a full 75% of people admit to using their cell phones while on the toilet, surpassing reading as the most popular toilet time activity. And a lot of them are clumsy. Seven million phones are dropped in toilets annually. I'm going to be honest. Of course I use my phone on the toilet because I'm not a maniac who wants to sit

there with an idle mind thinking about how weird the entire custom of using a toilet is how sort of um embarrassed and nervous we get around the concept of using the toilet when it's literally one of the things that unites us all by By the 10th of February, Bridal Shower. Today we celebrate a wedding by throwing rice or confetti, but in some North African weddings, it was considered good luck to throw the urine of the bride instead. Urine may also have played a role in ancient English and Irish weddings. Some historians think the wine that's part of the ceremony today

was a replacement for urine in an older tradition. It makes sense. Following on from my very, very lukewarm take on the do-you-know fact from Thursday the 9th of February, there's something quite primal about it, something quite... An ancient tradition that involves urine, that doesn't sound entirely out of place to me. Now, on Saturday and Sunday, we only get one fact shared across the weekend. So, professional port-a-potty in medieval Scotland, port-a-potty was actually a job. A man roamed the city with a bucket and a big cape.

Those in need of a bathroom could, for a fee, relieve themselves in the bucket with the cape around them for privacy. That is a good fact and a very enterprising and also vaguely disgusting uh bit of initiative from some scottish man the poo of the month for february by the way as told by monday the 30th of february is the pebble poo between a rock and a hard place you may sit down at the toilet with aspirations for a large enjoyable poo only to have pebble poo leaving you unsatisfied and unfulfilled despite vigorous straining and the sensation of poo exiting your rectum in the end there are only a handful of pebbles resting mockingly on the toilet bowl floor adding insult to injury are the unwelcome splashes that hit your buttocks as the buckshot hit the water that is very very funnily written um namely because i

find it relatable which might be disgusting to you it might not uh certainly though that's um it's not really rooted in science just lived experience so so for those of you who are curious by the way i'm just going to find out it's just occurred to me I'm probably breaking some sort of copyright law by reading out these poo facts. So I'm just going to find the name and give them a quick plug. It's difficult to figure out what to Google. Poo of the day calendar, I guess. I believe the publisher is Chronicle Books.

What's your poo telling you 2017 daily calendar chronicle books um from the authors of the best-selling book what's your poo telling you uh this illustrator counter is packed with medical info and fascinating trivia it's by chef and josh richmond and available for Amiga, $13.99. I think it's still worthwhile in February. These are a good time. Certainly a great way to learn throughout the year. Tuesday, February 14th, Valentine's Poo, which is not the title. It's just what I called it.

Get to step in in 17th century Germany. Except a way for a young lady to end a romantic relationship was to put a bit of poop in her would-be suitor's shoe. There you go. The Germans. So there's this sort of weird comedy trope or cliche that Germans love poo stuff. I haven't spent enough time in intimate situations with Germans to know whether or not that's true.

Wednesday the 15th of February. Hemorrhoidal hymns. Some gifted souls have an almost magical control over the size of their anal aperture and can willfully alter the intensity, duration and pitch of their flattus. Structures like hemorrhoids which protrude into the anal canal

dial up a fad's volume by rendering flow more turbulent. Thursday the 16th of February. Really working hard for you guys over here. Dr. Stool says, black poo. Stool sometimes diverges from its usual brown color and emerges as a dark black shade. Newborn babies actually,

who are very sort of almost tar-like color. It's going to be caused by foods that are high in iron or iron pills, bismuth compounds, e.g. Pepto-Bismol, or blood from higher up in the digestive tract. 17th of February was a Friday. It's the law, illegal log rolling. Paul in Oregon prohibits the wearing

of roller skates in restrooms. Bit of fun there to imagine what circumstance exactly led to that becoming a law, but I imagine the person who was put out wasn't just the person in rollerblades. Certainly a very unwelcome invasion to a cubicle so it's difficult to know who's got the highest status in that situation because on one hand one of you is taking a poo in a very vulnerable position but on the other hand someone is is wearing rollerblades

um i always think in that situation between you know if there's a fight to break out between somebody's doing a poo and somebody's not the person who's pooing is surely in the position of power because just that human instinct to avoid it and be disgusted by it even with adrenaline coursing through your veins surely would, even if it was just for a split second, but anyway Saturday and Sunday, the week in just being

18th and 19th of February, do you know the major components of human farts are nitrogen, 20-90%, carbon dioxide, to 30 percent hydrogen zero to 50 percent oxygen zero to 10 percent and methane zero to 10 percent and monday the 20th of february lincoln the stinking lincoln lincoln is known for his noble achievements but in his day he was known for something else entirely his love of potty jokes lincoln was reportedly a treasure trove of jokes

and humorous stories and favored the scatological ones. Unfortunately, no record of his favorite jokes survives. Though it's said he once made a corbate of laughs so hard he fell out of his chair. And with that, we are now up to speed. Remember, if I'm just going to tell you again, it's What's Your Poo Telling You

by Anish Sheth and Josh Richmond, the 2017 Daily Calendar. For those of you in Auckland who are still listening, please come along to the podcast fest organized by Tim through his Little Empire banner. It's happening this weekend on Saturday, the 25th of February and Sunday, the 26th of February. And all the little Empire podcasts

you know and love Walkout Boys, Male Gaze, Binders of the Heart and Ask the Westerner of All Time and a wrestling podcast I don't know what their name is currently lots of good stuff, tickets are very cheap only $12 or $35 for the whole shebang otherwise

thank you so much for listening and I will see you soon Otherwise, thank you so much for listening. And I will see you soon. After I watch this movie even more. Where will that leave me? Who's to say? Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague who passed out.

One of the guys that goes screw. One of them's a hottie. His name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp And his name is Johnny Depp Classic Maximum Joseph Agree! Ah!

You forget that films are supposed to have a point Thanks for listening to this podcast If you're in New Zealand, come join us for the Little Empire Mini Festival On February 25th and 26th in Auckland All your favourite shows will be there, including The Worst Idea of All Time, The Male Gaze, The Walkout Boys and Boners of the Heart. Details and tickets at littleempirepodcast.com slash live.