The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Thirty Two - Night Ships

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

SPONSORED BY AUDIBLE.COMWelp, Old Timbo and Guyguy gone goofed on this one. After a mistake in what time they were going to watch WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS and record the podcast - the pair decide to record separate halves of an episode and stitch them together. The result is a decidedly down beat, low energy podcast which just goes to prove that sometimes two people are more than the sum of their parts. Which is two peoeple. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. We're doing a mini-festival with your favourite shows in Auckland, New Zealand on February 25th and 26th. Details and tickets are at littleempirepodcast.com slash live. You're gonna play that dastardly intro again? Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague, a pastor. One of them dies, that guy's a screw. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay.

One of them looks like Johnny Depp And his name is Johnny Depp Classic Maximum Joseph You forget that films are supposed to have a point Hello and welcome along to the worst studio of all time Episode 32 I have good reason to believe My name is Guy Montgomery

And I'm joined by nobody else because of a communication breakdown between me and my good friend Tim Batt. in Perth, Western Australia, while Tim is holding down the fort back home in Auckland, New Zealand, at Little Empire HQ. And we recorded a friend zone yesterday, and we said to one another, we said, well, we'd better knock off a watch post-haste. And it was agreed that it would happen today at the time of 10 a.m. Perth, Western Australia time, which is 3 p.m. New Zealand time. And yay, verily, I just watched the movie, called him up for a Skype, and what should he reveal?

But he misinterpreted or I misinterpreted exactly the arrangement meaning that he was preparing to watch the film right now as i was coming off the back end of a pretty rough outing with we are your friends uh and so in a moment of improvisational greatness because we both have places to be and really need to get this buddy episode out um we're just banging out a few thoughts individually and he'll stitch them together i suppose so i look forward to your take on who had a better version of events me or tim uh tim uses creative license i'll imagine him but if it's if it's just the facts you're after, then I've done a pretty good job. I'm currently lying on my bed in my lodgings, and my mind is swimming, really.

I'm very frustrated. There's a recurring theme in my work with this film recently. You'll notice the way I'm talking about it as i work with the film we're not two separate entities but every time i watch it it's sort of a collaboration it's something that we need to get through together um and i guess the issue is it's just it's it's really i don't know who's putting in less effort at this point if it's the movie or me but i gotta tell you neither of us would be getting a's on our report cards for effort um not that you know effort is kind of it's it's what i actually i don't know i'm just to see what the take on it in america is because i remember when i was in intermediate school i thought that if it was embarrassing not the idea

of putting it in but the idea of getting an a for effort and a c for actual outcome i'm just like well this is infuriating because i've obviously put in as much effort as i can and yet the outcome is still no good so what's the bloody what's the point why would I not just put in a C for effort and get a C for outcome of course I guess the idea would be that you'd live and fear that if you put in a C for effort you'd get a what's two down from C D E and E for outcome um so anyway I got the F prize in year 8 actually I'd sort of, I've never really

come to terms with that I guess I was just trying hard and not getting results but I just think that neither the movie nor myself are really seeing eye to eye on how things are meant to run anymore, I'm not even there's no one to empathize with there's no coffee

guy to hang my hat on you know there's no warlocks there's just a series of vapid people living vapid lives in los angeles california and um what what am i meant to do with that? How do I fit in? I tried to get on board with Zicoli this week. I understand the idea that you pursue something with passion and vigor and you want to make it work as a career and I get that and I think that they do an okay job

of communicating his feelings but I don't know. I just don't know if this kid's got the goods I've seen him work I've been monitoring his efforts for 31 weeks 32 weeks now and he just doesn't learn he doesn't learn and in spite of that he still falls into the very fortunate circumstance of being taken under the wing of James Reid from the feelers, a man whose mentorship is probably more valuable in terms of material offerings than it is in actual musical guidance.

I mean, Ziccoli describes him as a washout in the film. But he just... I mean, staying up late and working on your song is all well and good, but if the song's garbage and you're not able to see that, what's the point? To use a comedy analogy, it's like going to an open mic and seeing the same person do the same jokes that they've been doing for the last year at the same open mic. You are living in a nightmare. in a nightmare you're like it's there's almost an onus of responsibility on people around him this purported open mic comedian or zicoli to step in and say hey man i appreciate you love this

and you're putting everything you have into it and it's kind of you identify you identify this as a very powerful part of your personality but you're not getting results and it's not going anywhere so either i don't know figure that out somehow or choose something else because it's killing me watching you ruin yourself it's destroying me and the thing is i guess james reed is so washed up, James Reid from The Feelers, in his capacity as mentor, that in spite of the fact that Coley shows no real shred of musical promise, he still says, I'm going to get you to open for me at Summerfest.

So James Reid's coasting on reputation. He's still getting booked for the movie bigs up summer fest is this huge gig but i don't know and i guess they show you a billboard once but i feel like summer fest is if only we could break into the world of the movie and walk around and talk to other people who work as electronic music djs and maybe see what other festivals are on los angeles over that period but i gotta say i think like it would be a much bigger deal if if he was playing at that las vegas festival that james reed played i just don't think summerfest is everything it's cranked up to be i mean

we've said it before and i say it. The organization on this gig is an absolute sham. They don't even have house music. They have no music to tide the crowd over between DJs. I've looked out upon the ocean of gyrating teens in that concrete jungle many times before. I haven't seen a single food vendor, a drinks vendor, a bar. It's literally just a bunch of people in a car park it's run on a shoestring all right the people who are in charge of this festival it's a cash grab they're trying to earn a quick buck by knocking up something cheap and dirty and nasty and i do

not think and this is the problem is the coley doesn't recognize this he's so set on the idea of playing at summer fest that he doesn't realize that playing at summerfest is barely an achievement in and of itself playing at a sham festival one that the organizers get done for you know fraudulent activity soon after the festival is finished that's not going to look good on the curriculum vitae if anything it's incriminating but that's what he wants that's what he wants. That's what he wants and that's what he does. And he doesn't play well either, which is interesting. The thing is, like, this is what they built. And the movie's ostensibly building to this the whole time

is the idea of him making his break and getting a big gig. And so within the world of the film, in spite of the fact that i refuse to believe in la it's considered as a big or reputable gig he's getting ready to play summer fest and when james reed uh gifts him a macbook pro box uh i guess you could say when when's getting sentimental with James Reid. When he gifts him this MacBook Pro box, you know, that contains whatever it contains. It changes week to week. This week, I believe it was just a small Swiss Army pocket knife. Not one with a lot of bells and whistles.

It's just your very basic Swiss Army knife. So on one side, you've got the knife, a pocket knife. Put that back in. At the top, you've got your toothpick and your tweezers. And on the other side, you've got a file and a corkscrew. And a bottle opener. I've always got a bottle opener. It's actually quite good. Good on the other side, you've got a file and a corkscrew. And a bottle opener. I've always got a bottle opener. It's actually quite good.

Good on the Swiss. I guess if you're neutral, you're going to be drinking a lot of beers to celebrate the fact. I don't know. I guess that's why. And the corkscrew as well. I guess some of the neutral soldiers in Switzerland also like to have a glass of vino. And why wouldn't you? Why James Rube would choose to give this to his colleague?

I have, I guess, self-serving gift. You know, he's sort of delegating menial tasks to James Reid. He's going to play at the Summerfest, and he's also going to open corked bottles of wine up for James Reid at Summerfest and do some cutting maybe james reed bought a new hat and the hat's got a tag on it and the tag is attached by that sort of quite strong plastic you can bite with your teeth but it hurts your teeth so it's better if you have a knife on hand to just cut through the tag with a knife you know that sort of plastic thing maybe

he wants he doesn't want to wear the hat before then he doesn't want to cut the tag off before then in case he changes mine and takes it back so he gives the pocket enough to zicoli and he's like you can play the gig but you got to cut the tags off this hat and zicoli's like okay i could just use my teeth and he's like yeah but also i want to have a drink of wine so you could just buy a screw top bottle of wine. He's like, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what class looks like. Class looks like a muscular boy of 23 opening a bottle of wine with a corkscrew on a Swiss Army knife for me. That's what class looks like.

Class doesn't look like rolling into town with some muscular freak in a singlet, biting tags off hats, and unscrewing caps on bottles of wine. That's not class. Who knows more about class? Me, James Reid from The Feelers, one of the classiest acts of the late 90s, early 2000s in New Zealand, or you, Ziccoli, the crying DJ with a failed pasta brand.

Anyway, so upon giving him this gift, he reveals to Ziccoli, I want you to play Summerfest. And Ziccoli is very excited by this. And this is pretty much, much you know apart from the romantic thread that they kind of try and put through the film this is what the movie's building to is zicoli is the protagonist we're meant to be on board with his journey we're meant to get behind the boy singular in his quest for musical success and they do this at about the 55 minute mark suddenly he's been given summerfest all of his friends are getting along fine they're earning okay money at this terrible

morally bereft job um he's playing summerfest the movie is finished and my feeling this week as I watched it alone in Perth, Western Australia, was that they realised, Maximum Joseph et al realised at this juncture, that they promised the studio a 90 minute film. And what they'd wound up writing, executing and submitting, almost, was a 55 minute film. And they thought, fuck. Executing and submitting, almost, was a 55-minute film. And they thought, fuck. And then also in reviewing the footage, they realized they hadn't put any conflict into this thing. Because every time I watch the film, and I've done it so many times now,

it's embarrassing that I still fall for this trick, if you want to call it a trick. I think when I see Zicolo, so he gets told he's playing summerfest he's got a hot new pocket knife spirits are high he goes for a run and every time he goes for that run i'm like amazing after this run zicole's gonna play summerfest and i'm gonna get to talk to my friend tim and then every time instead it's like no that's not what happens at all instead we're going to address some things that we've sort of broached and some things that we're just cramming in here because we've got 30 minutes to film we need a little bit of action so suddenly you've got james reed discovering that zikoli and somali that Ziccoli and Sommelier did it. They did it in Las Vegas.

We don't see penetration. This is probably a PG-13 to M film. But Maximum Joseph does a bit of work to suggest that coitus is had. And in spite of not showing i i've sort of i've been softening my opinion on this i've for for weeks and weeks i've said that maybe they don't consummate their relationship maybe they just scratch each other's backs like a couple of dogs although dogs do prefer a scratch on the tum, don't they? That's a true fact. Cats like back scratches. Dogs like tummy scratches. I'm not actually 100% on what cats

like. The house I'm staying at has two cats and I met one of them and as soon as I saw it, the cat was looking at me and it sort of looked through me and I realized I don't have a strong connection or relationship with cats if I see a dog you know I know to offer it my hand I know to look at the owner in the eyes before looking at the dog in the eyes I know all of these these things but with a cat I'm just all at sea I don't want it to be like that, but I'm slightly scared. I'm scared of their little claws, their little teeth. I'm scared of their unpredictable nature. Cats are crazy. Where was I?

I don't have anyone to prompt me. Something along the lines of the fact that they realize that they need to fill these 30 minutes, and so they create the conflict between James Reed anded and zicole which they eventually patch up this is how i know that they tacked it on because they eventually patch it up again so that he can play summerfest it's just 30 minutes of absolute dross to fill in the time they kill off squirrel because they i don't know try and give the movie a sense of emotional weight perhaps. Maybe the guy who was playing Squirrel was like,

I thought it would be a good idea if we could kill off my character as a joke at breakfast one morning because everyone was being real awkward. And then Maximum Joseph was like, that's a great idea. God, that's bad, isn't it? You know when you're hanging out and you do a joke

because just to fill the silence, someone takes you seriously. Suddenly your character's being killed off of the movie. God, it's tough out there. It's hard out here for a pimp. Is that a song? Who knows? Anyhow, I suppose you guys are curious about my shining light, of which there was one.

There were two, actually, both Johnny Depp related. The first one was when we see the montage scene of the boys getting ready to go out for their first night in LA at Social, Johnny Depp leaves the house and he says, goodnight, Pop. And it's very brief. I hadn't noticed it before. I hadn't noticed the suggestion of a relationship

between Johnny Depp and his parents. It's actually something the movie kind of brings up with all of its characters, or at least the four. You've got Ziccoli and his absent parents, Mason and the jar folks, Jarhead and the Jar folks. Squirrel doesn't really reference his parents, and I suppose that's why they felt like it was okay to kill him off because beyond those three guys,

they hadn't established a connection between Squirrel and anyone, so they were like, this kid is expendable. But when Johnny Depp says goodnight pop on his way out to the club with his mates i got real shades of matt dylan and crash i don't know why i remember that movie crash and paul haggis ex-scientologist was the director i'm pretty sure it won the academy award for best film and pretty much the whole movie was like racism's bad you guys and everyone watching it was like yeah you cloying piece of shit paul haggis we know but matt dylan did turn in a powerful performance he's a dastardly guy in the film who sexually assaults uh someone he pulls

over in a car in front of her husband god it's filthy actually it's coming back to me now we studied this film in in seventh form english um and then but then to show that there's two sides to every person we see another scene where um the racist sexist creep that is matt dylan's character uh is caring for his very elderly, very sick father. And we're like, wow. So you can be racist and look after your dad. What a crazy concept. Fucking ridiculous.

It's always been a dream of mine if I ever get to perform stand-up comedy in LA again to go up on stage and all I want to do is deliver the opening monologue from the movie Crash which is in LA we're always behind this metal and glass sometimes I think we just crash into each other to feel something

and then walk off stage can't imagine I'd get a lot of work on the back of it but it would feel good to me and me alone and maybe anyone else say one of you guys who's listening came to the gig and saw it and had listened to this episode of the podcast

you'd be like he always wanted to do that and while it wasn't worth it and it didn't pay off as I imagined it wouldn't, I'm glad for him that he did it. That's why I respect you guys. You allow and enable me to follow my dream. The other moment with Johnny Depp that I hadn't noticed is in the club.

So once they arrive at social and they're all running around delivering bottle service and Johnny Depp's trying to bloody peddle his drugs took me a while watching this movie to realize just how you know deep johnny depp is in the drug dealing game in it um he's so many times he's gone past this booth where a guy's sitting with three women and he goes hey ali what does he say he says something like yo ali hook me up with another round i'll throw you in a vine make you famous and shit and i hadn't managed to uh you know distinguish the different words that constructed the sentence that had always just been a flow a flow of words that ended in and shit it always started with hey ali and always ended with and shit and i realized that this guy

is probably he's it's a cameo it's a modern day cameo it's just some famous guy from vine that they got for he's actually probably if maximum joseph has the attention to detail which i imagine he does he's probably on screen and in the movie for the exact length of a vine, which is six seconds. Why are they getting rid of vine? Seems like one of the few good things that Twitter still has going for it. I don't know why they bury it, but hey, I'm not in business. I'm just in the business of watching Where Are Your Friends? I wonder how Tim's going to get on.

I feel like I've covered a bit of ground, and I hope you guys have had a good time with me. It's also the first time I've done one of these things solo bolo. Tim, of course, will still be one watch ahead of me for all of time because I do not imagine a world wherein I'll watch this movie of my own free will outside of the context of recording a podcast about it that's okay I feel like I've learned a little something here just a little something um so guys I'm going to hand you over now to Tim, who I'm not actually communicating with,

but I trust we'll stitch these episodes together, as he will give you his hot take on the 32nd, I think, screening of the Maximum Joseph directed Zac Efron vehicle, We Are Your Friends. I encourage all of you to take it easy remember that not everything is as important as it feels this movie is still fine but what is there to say about this movie on this the 30 second watch hi everybody it's tim bat here direct from new zealand i'm going to assume that guy has already explained the situation and if he hasn't this is just very funny because we both thought that the other person was going to talk you through what's happened

so i'm going to move move forward from that look the movie's just finished for me it's been a lonely um solo watch for the old timbo and when you're there by yourself in a room shut off from the rest of the world just hanging out with your friends who uh constantly disrespect you every week you you notice things that you haven't normally noticed before and one thing that i noticed this week about where are your friends one of the big problems i think is that those assholes are getting into the house too late in the movie so like the chronology of events is that things are going well like they start kind of crappy they get underpaid at the club from where's my 500 bro bro and then they decide to make some changes they go to work for a real estate company things start looking up they they they start getting more money

cole's getting paid he's got a struck up a friendship with an internationally renowned dj and then and then things start falling to shit a little bit like man this is so bad that i don't know this with 100 certainty yet but i feel like portions of my brain are kind of blocking this off but i think they get the house after cole has been discovered cheating on or cheating with james reed from the feelers girlfriend somally and it just makes for a very janky confusing time because it's like i i get the journey from going things aren't going so good for these boys these little fuck boys a little fuck part of town and then things are on the up but then things go on the down, but then things go up again, but then because we've brought them up, then we've got to kill one of the fuckboys, because we

fucked up the pacing, and emotional timing, and tone of the movie, I think that's why they have to, they have to kill Squirrel, Squirrel didn't need to die, if we put these boys into the house a little bit earlier, because then everything would these boys into the house a little bit earlier. Because then everything would just, it'd make a little bit more sense from like a timing point of view. Because then it's like we're at the bottom of the mountain at the start of the movie. We're heading up the mountain. And then we're at the top of the mountain. And there's only one place to go from there and that's down.

But because they keep messing with it. They have to kill one of the characters to make up for how they've screwed up this is my thinking anyway so here's how okay here's how i would make the movie we've got four fuck boys just fucking it up uh living in a pool house half of them and uh johnny depp's home i mean we don't see it at any point in the movie nor is it talked about but i reckon i could paint a pretty vivid picture of what that pad looks like just from what we know about johnny depp i think that the entire place wall to wall has been wallpapered with leather jackets everywhere it's it's a kind of a weird aesthetic but the dude spends his weekends rolling around

second-hand stores in the valley just trying to get the cheapest possible leather jackets and a lot of them aren't even leather they're pvc but they've been treated in a way where you could kind of confuse them for leather if you went up close to them you weren't touching them so he's his whole house is just this kind of weird dead cow sweaty black mess that he sleeps in and he's got a he's got a bed made of leather jackets as well and a leather jacket um what do you call them in america we call them duvets in australia they call them dunas maybe you got a whole other word for them, you Yankees. I don't know. A blanket. He's got a blanket made of leather jackets. He's got a pillow, which has a pillowcase of, on the outside, it's suede.

And the entire contents of it, you guessed it, it's more leather jackets. So there's Johnny Depp's pad. Crazy, like kind of almost a dark side of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I guess is fitting because he was in the remake of that. So we got Johnny Depp. He's coming from his den of leather. Squirrel's house we don't see, but I'm imagining in my head, like the clearest image I have is Van Wilder's apartment from the first movie. I don't even know if they they go into him in the

second one rise of taj but it's kind of like a real frat boy aesthetic there's probably a pinball table that he picked up on craigslist for cheap one day and thought it'd be a real good idea to have that in there and there'll be like a big flat screen tv that's being propped up on like cinder blocks and bits of 4x2 and uh it's got a nintendo gamecube attached to it so he can play mario kart and wait gamecube an n64 that's what he's got attached to that big old high def tv of his and not much else it's pretty sparse that's just what's on it so they get they go from their respective shitty uh situations and into the set oh yeah so okay so we've got our four fuck boys coming from um you know not ideal circumstances uh i mean how cole's living in a pool house

crying out loud with a toilet that people keep treating as a or a pool that people keep treating as a toilet um which doesn't help anyone. And so, we've got these four fuckboys, and they're getting underpaid at this club, right? They're trying their very best, just to go in there,

and sell drugs to drunk people. It's a, it's an honest, day's work. Trying to get, those people, who are on the suppressants, which is alcohol,

onto the uppers, which is shit like E, or whatever Johnny Depp's selling. I'm assuming it's MDMA. It probably is. And that's, you know, that's a living. Maybe honest is the wrong word, but it's a living. But they transition up. So we got our fuckboys.

They come in. They get underpaid. They decide, you know what, we're getting out of the club game we're going to go into the real estate market because that way you can meet more people to sell drugs to i think that's a smart idea so they're going around houses it's not it's not in the movie in my version of it now um when we meet uh like when we're introduced to the property empire right gold star realty solutions mouthful of concrete dick full of diamonds we're in there with page and the boys have a different role in my version they actually become real estate agents they're not there on computers and telephones

with the little madonna mike trying to get predatory lending practices in their favor and like take people's houses off them no no no they're actually out there greeting people shaking hands pressing the flesh kisses on the cheeks renting expensive cars they can't afford to project an image of wealth so that they can trick people into buying houses off them because guess what that's what a real estate person does so they're all real estate agents and they're kind of they're all in like shitty suits but you know there's still suits so they look kind of dressy but the kind of suit that you wear when you're when you're about 15 and you go into your first uh formal ball like your school ball your um your prom as you call it in the states and that nothing quite fits or maybe it's like a it's got shoulder pads in it because it's from the 80s it's been it's one off the rack doesn't fit so good so they're going

around they're meeting people they're selling drugs to the people they're like hey um small child and uh two parents huh you're in your early 30s and you're looking to enter the property market you know what you need a shit ton of marijuana that'll improve your life um it'll be a great thing. And then so they sell a house and then Johnny Depp's in there selling drugs on the site. So it's like a twofer.

They get their commission off the sale of the property plus the drug sale. So things are going on the up. Page is happy because he's getting an increased portfolio of all these properties coming through Gold Star Realty Solutions Limited.

Mouthful of concrete, dick full of diamonds. And the boys are happy because they're making money so then we meet james reed who is actually looking for another bigger house with somaly and that is his introduction to cole the crying dj so zicoli's there in his ill-fitting suit showing james reed around james reed sniffs bullshit on this dude he's like you know what dog that suit is bad but there is something about you that i can't quite put my finger on that i like i'm buying this house and they haven't even entered the property at this point and zicoli is just like sweating profusely because he doesn't know how to handle a million dollar deal and he's never actually sold a house before.

He was trying to think in his head of how to justify the concept of a looking pool to someone who wants to move into a place with an actual swimming pool. But this guy, James Reid from the Feelers, has taken all that weight off his shoulders. So now they're popping champagne. They're having cigars. They're having a good time. He's hanging out with Somaly. And James Reid from the Feelers invites him around for a few parties. He's in a new place. He's hanging out with with somaly and uh james reed from the fields invites

him around for a few parties you know he's in a new place you gotta break it in so zicoli's like djing and crying and djing and crying to the looking pool and uh and and then one time when james reed uh f's off to the um to his little studio with a girl that he's found because he is he is known for cheating on his girlfriends very sad um zicoli the crying dj sees his chance to uh cheat as well so he grabs somaly and they go into the one one of the other 90 bedrooms in the house that i mentioned there were 90 bedrooms because there is and they get their rocks off it's crazy stuff it's ludicrous and so then we have the fuck boys earning their money that they come in and they're still living together because um they haven't quite nailed it to the extent where they're

getting their own places yet plus they're kind of like hanging out with each other and then okay so everything's going great for the boys they've got money they've got friendship uh zicoli's got a new love in his life and then things start going downhill why why does it hurt a little bit when zicoli goes to the bathroom oh guess what son you got an sti why is that well mainly because you didn't heed the advice of van wilder don't be a fool wrap your tool and now you're gonna have to get on the penicillin, son, because that jackass boyfriend of Somaly's, old James Red from the Feelers, he's been slinging dick all around town

like a little master fuck, boys. So he's at the doctor. He's getting his penicillin on. He's freaking out because he's never had an STI before. And shit's going on with the rest of the boys too. We find out that um johnny depp uh is allergic to leather and it's like something that's just come on real suddenly so he start his skin starts reacting to it and uh jarhead finally gets

diagnosed um with a personality disorder because his anger management problems have really come to the fore while he's trying to sell properties so uh his employer page has has like ordered that you know he's got two options you got two options you either go to anger management or you're through with real estate um this is my best page and so he decides to go to anger management. And do you know who's there? Do you know who's there at anger management? Adam Sandler. It's the craziest thing. So he's in there and they're just yelling at each other.

But Adam Sandler's doing it with all the crazy voices. And Jarhead's doing it. He's just mad. He's just a furious kid. Dressed like Hillary Clinton a little bit. Because he does wear pantsuits everywhere he's opted to go for a more um untraditional dress code while he's showing people around the houses in LA the rest of the dudes are in suits J-Head's decided to go with a pantsuit it's LA it's hot

you get a little little more breathable um you know fabric when you're dealing in the pantsuit world so he's rocking around in that looking like hillary clinton yelling at adam sandler and it's a bit of a mess and squirrel instead of dying because we've correctly paced this film uh he he unfortunately gets told that the marks that he got back from the university that he went to were incorrect they've had to go back and review a whole lot of tests scores that came out from kids who were there at the time and guess what he doesn't have the degree in biological engineering that he thought he had it's been taken off of him so squirrel's gutted but you know still very much alive zicoly's got a disease on his johnson

bloody johnny depp's one true love leather jackets and uh much like romeo and juliet the thing that he can't have and uh bloody jarhead's there swearing up a storm unable to fulfill his duties as a real estate agent so what happens next i'm glad you asked well here's what i think happens to turn somally into like the hero of this film she has to go around fixing all this stuff so the first thing is is her and zikoli the crying dj have a sit down chat just next to the looking pool about what's happened they unpack their feelings about each other and she's like look i messed up i should not have cheated on my boyfriend it's terrible thing to do even though i know that he's doing the same thing to me all the time on tour

this is not the appropriate way to deal with that situation i'm i'm supposed to talk to him and maybe break up with him if that's what i think needs to happen not just lash out secretly this this is not good and then uh zikoli says you know what that's very mature outlook simile thank you so much for for you know talking with me about this by the way um you gave me chlamydia so what do you think about that and uh and she's none too happy she's none too happy with this news because um number one you know it's embarrassing and number two it means that her boyfriend has given her chlamydia so it's like what the fuck it's not good so she has a moment of palpable anger she starts yelling this triggers jahid off because he's just arrived

on the scene out of nowhere, he's in the background, he sees someone yelling, he's like, sweet ass, and people yelling by the looking pool, I love yelling, that is my favorite thing to do, so he goes over and joins Somaly, they start having a yelling match at each other, who comes in now, but Johnny Depp himself rolling in just head to toe in boils and rashes. Disgusting. It's like, it's hard to look at. And you feel bad for him because it looks painful. He's just itching himself.

But he is wearing full leather, like George Michael, Faith era, leather pants, leather jacket. He's had enough of being away from his true love uh leather so he's just he's wearing it all and he's being defiant against his own um immune system which is fighting back against him uh squirrel squirrel at that point um rides in on his bmx you know because he seems like a bmx kind of guy and he's like, hey, what's happening, everybody, I'm, I feel bad, because I thought I had a degree in biological engineering from that university I went to, but they took it off me, so I'm not as smart as I thought I was, and then Somaly, sort of suddenly adopting the role as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, says, hey, hey, hey fuckboys these aren't the fuckboys I got to know and love at

the parties we went to together breaking this house and while you guys were making tons of money from real estate dealings not at all so here's what we're going to do squirrel we're going to go to an escape room you're going to be the leader we're going to get out of there and it's going to be because of your big brain I'm going to prove to you that you're an intelligent young man. Zicoli, we're going to go down to an STI clinic. We're going to get this cleared up. Chlamydia is very common. It's not such a big deal.

We're going to get this done, and then I'm going to break up with James Reid from The Feelers so I can start dating you, the crying DJ, and have the most attractive child known to man who's got special powers, but we don't have time to get into that yet because I've got to outline what's going on with johnny depp who is just itching himself and bleeding into the looking pool at this point is he's got open sores on his arms it's um like this isn't pretty and i'm sorry

to point it out but i'm just saying what's happening in my version of the film but she says you know what we're going to do for you johnny depp we're going to get you some cream we're going to get you some lotion and we're going to find the best synthetic substitute for leather that money can buy. This one's on me. I'm going to buy you an entirely new wardrobe. And I'm going to do it with James Reid from The Fearless Credit Card. And if he has any problem with that, guess what? I'm going to threaten to take half of everything he owns because we're in a de facto relationship.

And the courts, I'm pretty sure, will be on my side. And the sun comes up and everyone's happy. And that's your picture, folks. That is your picture. That is how you correctly pace the emotional journey of We Are Your Friends. It's a different film. It's a slightly stranger film. But I think more fulfilling fulfilling and one that i'd

appreciate watching at this point in proceedings now shining light for the movie that i did just watch um i wrote this down a scrap of paper oh yeah it's the cool guy who um so there's a bit when uh we're experiencing the burgeoning friendship of zicoli and james reed from the feelers and they're playing a few sets together and there's one shot where they're in the club and it's actually part of a sequence where zicoli has sex with a girl presumably in the bathroom of the club and before that we see um james reed from the feelers also like chatting up this girl and talking to her against a wall and they start pashing that's kiwi for french kissing by the way

and during one of the shots they're up on this raised platform zicoli and james reed are and there's just this real cool dude with a beanie who's standing to the right of james reed just nodding his head and you know what i've never seen him before but i I saw him this week, and I loved him. I loved his energy, and I loved his aesthetic. It was cool. He was a cool guy. I guess doing these other segments without guys, you do them. You don't love it, but you do them. So here we go.

Here we go, everybody. And a five, six, seven, eight. Getting sentimental with James Reid. Okay. So, what have we got? MacBook Pro box. We've got a gift. We know it's self-serving.

We know it's going from James Reid, the crying DJ, to Zicole. I mean, shit. James Reid from The Feelers to Zicole, the crying DJ. What's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box it is a flashlight it's a prosthetic box in a box and as soon as zicoly opens it and he's like whoa what the fuck man that's that's that's pretty weird thing to give someone he says yeah it's just a goof. I just wanted to freak you out. I didn't get you any present.

This is for me. This is for me only. And just takes it right back off him and then slaps him upside the head with it and then makes him eat a whole birthday cake by himself because Zuccoli, the crying DJ, is the little bitch of James Reed from The Feelers as long as they're hanging out.

They've got a weird power dynamic. That's what's happening. There we go. It's the quickest getting sentimental with James Reed from The Feelers, as long as they're hanging out. They've got a weird power dynamic. That's what's happening. There we go. It's the quickest getting sentimental with James Reed you've ever seen. To round off the episode, I would like to thank our sponsor, as always, audible.com,

for helping this episode get out. Tell you what, Audible, you're a cool service. What do you do? Delighted you asked, but i would ask you to maybe pay more attention to your own business model before you open your mouth and start throwing around such a weird large questions about your own existence audible.com are the largest repository i hope i'm using that word right of on-demand audio content online, anywhere. Books.

Books on tape. It is the modern day books on tape. But it's not just that. They've got periodicals. They've got articles being read aloud. They've got magazines and stuff. You know, content for you. Audio content, like the content you're absorbing right now.

But a lot of it is books read aloud, on-demand, for your ear holes. Everyone loves a book. Everyone loves absorbing a book some people have trouble reading a book you don't have to though because you can just put your headphones in and listen to anna kendrick's scrappy little nobody as read by her which i'm actually quite keen to have a listen to i had to listen to the sample on audible.com she's got a great voice and it sounds like a cool book. If you go to audible.com slash try now, you'll get a 30 day free trial plus one download for free. So you can test everything out and see how it works.

You're going to love it. Audible.com slash try now. Thank you so much for listening. I hope I explained what happened because I won't, but I'll put it in the episode description if you if you want to read that lots of love to all and to all make sure you go to guymontcomedy.com to see his gig coming up if you're in western australia and for the rest of you worst idea live shows they're coming up so keep your ears to the podcast bye everybody this movie's still fine.

There's a colleague who passed a... One of them dies. That guy's a squirrel. One of them's a hothead. His name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp. And his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph.

Agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're in New Zealand, come join us for the Little Empire mini-festival on February 25th and 26th in Auckland. All your favourite shows will be there, including The Worst Idea of All Time, The Male Gaze, The Walkout Boys and Boners of the Heart.

Details and tickets at littleempirepodcast.com slash live.