The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Three - Egyptian Cotton

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

Oh no, something terrible has happened. The boys initial recording of this watch has been lost to the sands of time due to a technical glitch. So now, at 1am on a Monday night, the boys are jumping straight back into the pool to record an episode. For some reason Guy and Tim have taken it upon themselves to record it while walking about the neighbourhood at night. The discussion takes a night walk from egyptian cotton to Mormonism to what constitutes an eighth of an orgasm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back, or no, not for you, just for us Welcome to the Worst Idea of All Time episode 3 And have we got a story for you So it is, well it must be like 2am now right? It's certainly late Okay, so it's 2 in the morning on a Monday It's Tuesday now Yeah it is technically

St. Patrick's Day's St. Patrick's Day Happy St. Patrick's Day God We're roaming around the neighbourhood just like on the street just walking about and we just

thought that we recorded a whole 35 minute podcast and I looked down at me recording device and it had some sort of error We certainly recorded a 35 minute or we certainly recorded a 35-minute, or we certainly had a 35-minute conversation

in the style of a podcast. I can't believe the spoon thing is lost. Don't worry about it. To the sands of time. That is a tragedy, bro. Do you know what the real tragedy is? What we have to do is take all of that and just throw it out the window.

Forget about it. No way. I am not prepared to let go of that and just throw it out the window. Forget about it. No way. I am not prepared to let go of that. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. And the thing is, it was really tough to get through that conversation. The warp was a wonderful distraction. God damn.

But we were laboring through it for parts. We hit a few highs. It's not relevant anymore. You'll never hear it. Fuck me dead. This is a real blow. So quite literally, as we were about to turn on to the home stretch, literally the street on which Tim lives.

We've just done like about a three kilometre jaunt through a park and down to the water's edge. So as we turn onto the home stretch, we find out the podcast isn't recorded. Oh, fuck my heart. Tim looks me in the eye. You just got to rip back into it. We literally turned around and are now walking back along the path.

From whence we came. From whence we came. Jesus fucking Christ. Not only have we just watched Sex and the City 2 for the third time, we've had a discussion about it for the third time. This is the fourth discussion we're going to have about it. So it's going to come with a little bit of a weird flavor. Probably the seasoning of a different dish.

Although, okay, you know what? Let's treat that first one as a warm-up, like we were just getting our... As a loosener. Stretching our legs out. Yeah. So here we are. Here we bloody are.

I'm not taking this recorder out of my hand either, so I can just keep an eye on it the entire time. Because if it tries to pull that shit again, well, I don't know why I'm threatening technology. It's not going to respond to it either poorly or well so sex in the city 3 for those of you who are curious sex in the city 2 for those of you who are curious uh is is becoming more difficult by the week unsurprisingly a lot of people told us this would happen it's a very long movie. It's not easy to fit into a day or a night at any point. I think that's the main thing that's bothering me, especially seeing

as we're recording two podcasts now, is the time-consuming nature of this. You have to write off pretty much an entire day to do it, unless you are prepared to walk around the neighbourhood at two in the morning talking into a microphone like a fucking crazy person. Like an absolute lunatic we've found we've found the cheat sheet mate found the best way to go about our business well it clearly isn't because we just failed on our first attempt it's terrible could we stop talking about okay sorry okay okay okay we were on a break um uh friends. Good friends reference right there. For those of you who are catching up,

that was a friends reference. Ross and Rachel. You remember that. It was a very pleasing story where people get what they deserve and there's nice arcs that happen. The wind wasn't in itself so much in season nine. Even just saying season nine of anything though,

you know it's going to be getting a little long in the tooth. What made it to a good nine seasons? Simpsons? Simpsons did. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It was still pecking years, wasn't it? That's the only one I can think of. Oh yeah, South Park. Cartoons, it turns out. Yeah, that's what you want to put your money into. That's where you want to chuck your

bitcoins and your euros. Chuck them in behind animated series. What if they made a cartoon series of sex in the city i reckon it would actually work surprisingly well that'll be drawn like barrette styles where the heads are enormous and their eyes are pretty big and their tiny bodies are like impossibly proportioned yeah i think i think if we were being faithful to the movie that we just watched, I think if they were trying to sort of revive the goodwill and enjoyment people gain from watching the TV series, they'd have to draw them in a different style. Than what I described?

Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, they didn't placate any of the fans by making the movie, which we ultimately saw. No, I know, that's what I'm saying. Because it sucked. If they're going to do that,

it's not going to be a cash grab. Oh, so you're saying... They want a win-back favour. Oh, I see what you're saying. So the cartoon series is an apology for Sex and the City 2. Yeah, that's not bad. And that's what the people deserve. No, but it's a different market, mate.

It's like they made a series of Carrie as a teenager. It's like the Bradshaw Diaries or something. Did they? Yeah. Did you watch it? It might still be going. You know? Who knows? made a series of carry as a teenager it's like the the bradshaw diaries or something did they yeah did you watch it might still be going you know who knows there's a world of possibilities out there i didn't watch it i just saw the promotion for it because it got a lot of got a lot of press you know when it first came out was there i mean i'm i don't mean to start on a note of negativity but we've already combed through the movie and i'm trying to think of a question that i haven't asked you so far. Yeah, throw one at me, mate.

A never-ending conversation about Texas City 2. Who was your... I feel like I'm stuck in a time vortex. Yeah. It's terrible. This is purgatory. We can't think about it too much because it's actually a fucking nightmare,

the situation we're in right now. No, no, no. But you go. Who did you not enjoy in the film? Like, was there any character which particularly grated you? I mean, they're all capable of greatness. That's meant to be a pun.

That was a very good little example of wordplay there, mate. Thank you. So what was your question again? Who grated me? Who grated you? Who really got on my tits

this week? Yeah, who was the cheese grater? I, um, hmm. Probably Miranda again. Yeah? Which I think was the same last week

I don't have a good defence for it And I'm like really nervous That it's just because she's got very orange hair That would be Some sort of horrible weird Instinctual Trigger in you Well it's fucked up as part of this

Because I mean I'm part Ginge myself. We have a very orange beard. You do grow Ginge. My facial hair is orange. I actually thought, I remember sticking up for her last week and enjoying her

through the first half of the film and then sort of turning on her eventually. This week, I did not find her particularly pleasant either and I think part of the reason

why is her role amongst a group of friends. Yeah. It's an admirable one, but it's ultimately thankless, particularly in the context of four moronic friends holidaying in the Middle East. Because by virtue of the fact that she has to explain everything to everyone, she's going to wind up sounding the most blasé, condescending and offensive. Nice.

Those are the three. You're right. Those are the three things she sounds. She is the Pokedex of the situation. She is Professor Oak. She's the one explaining what the Pokemon in the Middle East are like. You know? Did you know that in Arabic, this is how you say thank you,

and it's culturally insensitive to show your tits to everyone? Oh, thanks, Professor Oak. It's a big hand. A big hand. Or help. You know, you pick. What Pokemon would you choose, Tim? What, in the Middle East? No. Norino, I think it was called.

Oh, wow. Did the world of Pokemon, did their continents correspond to real world continents? No. In fact, the map is based on something and i've got a feeling it's japan itself that would make so like the whole world of wow this i'm talking red blue i'm talking og map here not this bloody you know there's 600 pokemon i'm talking 151 yeah i'm talking i learned all 151 and then when they released more i said fuck you i

just finished that i I'm out. Do you know, I can't remember if I've said this on a podcast or not, but when we were going to LA, I was dead set on getting a new Pokemon on a DS. I was going to buy a 3DS. I went into the store, credit card in hand, excited, went in there, looked at the back of whatever they're up to, Pokemon X, I think, or Pokemon Y, and I was like, this is too complicated for me. Like, it's gotten too, there's too much going on on this back panel here.

I completely agree. And I walked out of the store, I didn't spend a cent. So what does that tell you? Nintendo used to be the ones who were, you know, keeping it fun and keeping the gameplay important. No, no, no, that's nothing to do with Nintendo and everything to do with you. What do you mean? Times are going to keep changing, Tim. You're an old man now. No, no, no. That's nothing to do with Nintendo and everything to do with you. What do you mean? Times are going to keep changing, Tim.

You're an old man now. Oh, Jesus. You're a stick in the goddamn gaming mud. God, you're right. Because Pokemon for us, the Pokemon that we like, is the Pong of our youth. Shit, yeah. You know, like we are dinosaurs. It's such a boring game.

Honestly, it's a miracle people stuck at it like they did. What, Pong? Or Pokemon? Pong, I think, is ultimately more satisfying than Pokemon. Are you serious? Pokemon's such a good game. I think I'd have an easier and better time right now playing Pong than I would picking up Pokemon Blue, Red, or Yellow.

Probably Yellow, because it was the most fun. You'd pick up all of the OG sort of ash catching Pokemon on the way around should we go down the bullet track add a bit of undulation to this journey

I'll tell you what I'm not gonna it's very steep I'm not gonna mind the downhill but the gradient this is gonna create for us is gonna be

no this is the cool thing you can kinda adjust the gradient by going around so you don't come back up you go to the left and it's more it's longer

but it's more gradual I'm totally okay with that cool man yeah you're an athlete mate look at you you're wearing basketball shorts right now la lakers basketball shorts you aren't prepared for any situation do you know what i did tonight tim actually do you know why i'm wearing these shorts what why i went to an event and i don't know if this is international or local it's called no lights no lycra i think it's's international. I got an invite to that. What happened? Was it a comedy show? Anyway, essentially

you go to, it must be international, you go to a room I went to a community hall and there were about sort of 50 to 60 other people there also wearing, not basketball shorts but similarly comfortable and breathable clothes. Yeah.

And we walk into this room, and this cool kind of hippie dude who'd just been at this international music festival in New Plymouth says, Hey, so the playlist is going to be pretty all over the place this weekend, or today, this month, sorry, as a monthly event. Yes. And he shuts off all the lights. Yeah. And they just start blasting like a dope playlist for an hour

and everyone just dances. I might take a leak off of here. And it was so sweaty. My entire head was saturated in a way it hasn't been since I've been for a swim. And you do it for an hour and it's pretty much an hour with your thoughts while dancing to a variety of fantastic music. This won't end well, eh? No, what you're doing is moronic.

It doesn't even work because it's at the wrong height. Yeah. You describe what I'm doing. Okay, Tim has plugged his microphone into a wire fence halfway down the Bullock Track, which is probably phenomenally, probably one of the steepest hills in Auckland. It's a bit of a thoroughfare between

a few of the bigger suburbs. I feel like I should be over here. I shouldn't piss uphill, because it'll hit you. I should piss downhill. And what he's doing in his sort of late night, malaised days, is trying to unfold his wang, pee through the fence, while still recording an acceptable level podcast. Well, apologies, but to let you wang, pee through the fence, while still recording an acceptable level podcast.

Well, apologies, but to let you all know, because you didn't hear the first copy of this evening's events, I drank a lot of water through that. That's right, yeah. Tim, for no apparent reason, set himself the challenge of drinking four litres of water during the movie, I think just to feel something. Yeah, that's what it was.

It was like, I feel so damaged and numb. Anything would be good right now, even pain. And he also set himself the task of not urinating. He got to about two and three quarter litres of water. No, I drank at least three, I reckon, because I had a bottle before I got started in the movie. Jesus, that guy's hoofing it up. Everyone's had a bottle before they started watching the movie.

You know? If I didn't see it it I don't know about it But anyway and then eventually you stood up And unloaded what I can only imagine To be one of the most satisfying wheezes Of your life God it was long unspeakably long So we shan't speak about it

That is a You know how they say different things A one eighth of an orgasm Like a sneeze is one eighth of an orgasm I think that's the only thing that people say And a horse how they say different things are one-eighth of an orgasm? Like a sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm. I think that's the only thing that people say is. And a horse bite, they say. A horse bite? Yep, that's what they say.

What do you mean? They've been running around town spreading all sorts of rumours about God knows what. But the two-eighths of an orgasm I know of. Actually, do you know what the third one would be? Probably being touched by a feather. Are you making these up as you go along? Because I've never heard the horse bite one and the feather thing you sounded very unconfident about.

Does the feather thing not sound true to you? It doesn't sound true to me, nor does a horse. Do you mean a horse bite like when you pince your hand down on your leg? So not if you receive a horse bite. Anyway, I'm saying that a wee that has a steady stream and lasts for over a minute has got to be also an eighth of an orgasm. I don't know if this is a gender-specific thing, but you just feel proud of yourself as well.

I don't think that would be gender-specific at all. I think just the sense of release. You're carrying around like over a liter of something yeah and then you just let it all go in my case well over two liters of something well yeah do you think you urinated two liters if you urinated into a bottle oh it's so hard to tell bro because you're pissing into a body of water so it's you know it's very tricky to tell and toilets are always finding their level as well. I found in America they have quite a high water level.

In New Zealand it's very low. But in America it's so high. And if you're dehydrated enough and your urine's running yellow and you do a wee, by the time you're finished, it looks like you've filled up this tremendous basin of water with your urine. I thought it was a very satisfying experience. I remember when I went to Mexico, that really freaked me out how high the water level was. Everything else I was fine with.

The only thing that got me was the incredibly high water level in the toilets. You're an interesting man, Tim Baird. Did you have a shining light this week? I did. I did. I'm not going to change it from what I did before. You're the only one who knows that it's a repetition, so I don't know why I'm even bringing that fact up.

But there's a moment of acting that Sarah Jessica Parker acts, which I think is really sublime, and she's having dinner with Aidan. She's about to cheat on her husband in Abu Dhabi, and Aidan pulls out some photos of his kids, his family, and Sarah Jessica Parker, what's her name, Carrie, she brushes the food off your hands. She does it with her other hand.

She does a quick brush, brush, brush, and then grabs the wallet off him to look at the photos. And there's just something very naturalistic about the action. It's nice, isn't it? I bought it. You did? I bought it. Yep. I'm not I bought it. Yep.

I'm not going to disagree with you. No, that's fine. You don't need to. You've told me twice now. I absolutely believe that you enjoyed that moment during the movie. So what was yours then? I really get it. The question becomes, Guy Montgomery, what was your shining light?

Mine was also a moment that Sarah Jessica Parker had during the film, which was when she was getting in the elevator to go on a date with Aiden, and she was confronted by Miranda and Charlotte. Let's take a load off. Should we sit down on that picnic table? It's getting mighty creepy out here on the worst Saturday of all time. Sitting underneath some scraggly pine trees

on the corner of like a pretty busy intersection. We'll see them coming. It's fine. We'll definitely see them coming. We're the creepy ones. It's fine. We'll definitely see them coming. We're the creepy ones. Oh, right. We're creepy. Oh, well, we're not going to do anything bad. Aren't we?

Anyway, she's in the elevator on the way to the date. We've been walking for about an hour. That's why it's so good to sit. I'm trying to struggle through the shining light. Yeah. Sorry, elevator? Yeah. My heart's not in it. No, no, go on. good to sit i'm trying to struggle through the shining light yeah sorry elevator yeah my heart's not in it no no go on we've got a you know shining light's important mate you gotta have and she says i'm just scanning for psychopaths you're sending me mixed messages here

you're saying go on and then you're scanning you're looking away and scanning for psychopaths i'm just letting you know that my attention is fully on you but my visual part of my brain is fully not on you i think that there is an inextricable link right now between the visual part of your brain and the sort of attention part of your brain yeah well apologies you're exclusively scanning for psychopaths and i've just seen a lot of movie and then talked into a microphone needlessly for over half an hour. I understand your brain scrambled, but I'm trying to tell you that if you didn't notice it this week or listened to it the first time I told you on the fabled first edition of episode three. I'm the audience surrogate right now, mate.

I haven't heard a goddamn thing. I wonder if all of the audience is sitting in parks at 2am right now just scanning their surroundings. My money's going to be on but you know nothing's impossible sarah jessica parker says you're crazy in abu dhabi to charlotte while she's in the middle of obviously being a bit crazy in abu dhabi and i think that's very funny i think for her to um you're crazy you're crazy you're crazy in abu dhabi i think it's funny when someone is losing it and then accuses someone else of losing it i think there's a comic thing i think that's quite a funny it's always a funny moment isn't it when you see a character backed into a wall and just fling their arms wildly in every direction yeah and just to see just to see what happens

anyway uh that was it Sarah Jessica Parker is a really really good actor no one could accuse her of otherwise I don't think in their right mind she is a good actor

and I'll tell you something else I would say she's probably worked very hard she's got a phenomenal body in this in this here movie

and the producers can't get enough of it she's bloody whipping off your top at any any given opportunity and it the scenes don't get enough of it. She's bloody whipping off your top at any given opportunity, and the scenes don't call for it. You commented when we first see her going to bed in the movie

when she's at the wedding in the hotel room with Big that she's wearing a lot of nightwear, and I counted that. I think what's happening and why she's so happy to whip her kid off throughout the movie is that they have to cram as many clothes into it as possible. They have to cycle through as many potential outfits and items. To name check all the sponsors, basically.

Yeah, yeah. And so that's why she's going to bed in like seven different negligees. Yeah, my issue was only, you know, let's call a spade a spade, mate. The quandary that I had is she's wearing a bra and a negligee type thing and my thought is you're in bed with your husband like i my understanding is that wearing bras to bed very uncomfortable i also have some understanding but this is things off this is the virtue of the bra for seven thousand dollars by christian dior is it so comfortable you won't be able to sleep without it.

I see. So not only is it not an impedance to sleep it's actually an aid. That's right. Our diamante encrusted bra will not jab into your sides and make you bleed onto your 5,000

three count Egyptian sheets. It will aid your sleep. It will be a security blanket. It will remind you that you're a valued member of society. I've got Egyptian cotton sheets. What's the three count on those bad boys? Oh, fuck.

You've caught me unawares because I used to know. I think 500. The thing is with Egyptian cotton sheets is you have to get the ones that say either the word pure or 100% pure Egyptian cotton sheets. You sound like a schmuck. If you don't, then they can just whack any amount in and call them Egyptian cotton sheets because you sound like a schmuck if you don't then they can just whack any amount in and call them

Egyptian cotton so it could be like 10% Egyptian cotton and they're calling them Egyptian cotton sheets the thing is though I can't feel the fucking difference to be honest

I paid a lot of money for those sheets I put it all in my credit card because I didn't have the money you got had bro I did someone gave you the exact sales pitch

you just gave me which is you have to oh pure you have to, oh, pure. You have to buy the one that says pure. No one assisted me with that sale. So did you just rationalize that yourself when you marched up to the counter with your counterfeit Egyptian sheets?

By myself. They weren't counterfeit. I'm just saying I've got the real ones, but they're not really worth it. Charlotte's a real pain in the ass. She's a real bloody cold fish in a wet blanket. She's a real 10% Egyptian cotton sheet passing itself off as actual Egyptian cotton sheets.

She presents nothing but problems. Her life, I don't think, is going particularly well. She doesn't want to go to Abu Dhabi. The girls drag her along. She's a real hindrance to their enjoyment in Abu Dhabi The girls drag her along She's a real hindrance To their enjoyment in Abu Dhabi Because all she wants to talk about Is the fact she thinks

Runkle Is fucking The Irish nanny Yeah you can't call him Runkle though Because it's a different I'm not going to stop calling him Runkle Is Californication a real good show? Did it keep being good?

I don't know I watched the first Three or four seasons I watched Maybe all the way up until We fucked it up with Karen Again After they were happy or something good show did it keep being good i don't know i watched the first three or four seasons i watched maybe all the way up until we fucked it up with karen again after they were happy or something who cares fuck fuck i can't fucking believe we're still out here in the woods it's the middle of the night it's well and truly the middle of the night right now i can't talk about it situation the shit that goes on in this movie again we created a segment oh yeah it's called what's he doing where's he going you

might remember the extra that we poured adoration and praise on and one of the previous podcast who was just slamming coffees back in the background of frame while the girls are gasping at lunch one sip of espresso two sips three sips and he has finished his coffee within the space of 20 seconds he's grabbed his newspaper in the next shot he's out of there places to be people to see got to see a man about a horse got to deal with the horse got to get that horse to the racetrack i'm raising horses now i need all the caffeine i can get because at night time i'm researching the stats on which ones are coming first what the good lineups are and by day i am training the horses myself i'm really worried about my relationship with caffeine it is tearing an absolute fracture

through the middle of my relationship with my wife i can't sleep i'm always on the toilet clogging the goddamn thing up because the water's so low i don't know why we got that australasian plumber and disinstaller i much prefer the brand that we had when we lived out in wisconsin for anything could really take a pounding you know you could bloody eat salami for three weeks and just give that thing absolute hell and it wouldn't think two ways about helpful either anyway pretty much we gave you a bizarre edition of what what what it is which is this guy is so motivated and such a scene stealer, and he's so eye-catching that you cannot help but speculate as to what the fuck he is marching out of that door with such urgency to do. He sort of stands up, marches out like, right, off to rob a bank.

Yeah. Well, I thought the horse thing will qualify this time. I absolutely think the horse thing is good. I feel like we're letting ourselves off the hook on the inaugural outing of the first one. Don't worry. No, I'm going to just make a little note of it because otherwise it will be lost to the footnotes of history. Like sand through the hourglass. Not even the footnotes of history.

These are the days of our lives. It'll be unrecorded. These are the primes of our lives. Days of Our Lives is the only show that I know that gets referenced in other things. Like in Friends, Joey is on Days of Our Lives. And in Grown Ups 2, Days of Our Lives is on. Like it's the only show that lets other entities kind of parody it. What's that about?

It's just smart. I've never seen ER featured in a different universe. People talking about it. It's odd. RE. It's odd. RE. It's an emergency room for religious education where heathens are taken when the devil possesses their soul

to be healed by Reverend George Clooney. Oh, I like where this is going. Religious education. God damn, has he got his shirt off when he's performing these? Usually. Yeah. He's wearing his reverend's collar though. I like that. Like performing these. Usually. Yeah. He's wearing his reverence collar though.

I like that. Like a sexy butler. Yeah. Like a stripper butler. People walk in and he goes, demon out. And then half the people walk out. Is he Catholic? No, no, no.

You're not the demon. The demon is in you. Please, please come back in. Is he Catholic or is he Protestant or what? Please, please come back in. Is he Catholic or is he Protestant or what? He's sort of just like, he's just the most generic brand Christian. Speaking of religion, in the movie, there's a couple at the wedding,

at the start of it, who are big fans of Carrie Bradshaw, the wife is, I can't remember her name. And her and her husband are both very excited to meet Carrie and her husband, Big, and talk about their marriages and compare and contrast them. These two people are some smiley, sort of reasonably freaky motherfuckers, and I'm absolutely convinced that they're Mormon because they just turn on her.

As soon as Carrie and Big tell them that they don't plan on having kids because their marriage is unique, they're just like, well, I'm not going to talk to you, and frankly, I don't plan on having kids because their marriage is unique. On a dime, eh? They're just like, well, I'm not going to talk to you. And frankly, I don't respect what you're doing as a person anymore. I might have read your books for 20 years and have been actually literally comparing my life to yours over that entire span of time. But the fact that you're not going to reproduce tells me you're insane.

And Joseph Smith did not come here from on high in 1954 or some goddamn freakishly recent year for you to tell me you're not copulating, fornicating and shitting out new human beings. It's all there. It's all there in the text that he discovered about 150 years ago.

Our sacred scripture. In the bottom of a Lucky Charms box. Apparently Mormon that no one else could look into Is like a slightly offensive term That they just They took the power of the word back And I appreciate a group of people doing that It's you know

Do you? Yeah good on Well I just mean like If there's a word out there That's got negative connotations And it's disempowering for a group of people I like the fact that language is so fluid i understand what you're what you're saying it's the church of latter-day saints

but i don't think mormons like they're not necessarily uh heavily oppressed they don't have a long storied like history of oppression They just decided that they were going to believe in this weird belief system, started marching around yelling at everyone. Hey, I'm not here to tell, you know, people not to be a Church of Latter-day Saint person. That's true. What do you call them? Do you call them a Latter-day Saint? I guess they're not a saint themselves.

Mormons is certainly the easiest word in my opinion. Well, it is. It is, which arrives back at the initial point, which is, you know, apparently it used to be vaguely offensive. Maybe it still is. I apologize if it is. To our Mormon fans. And this is the thing about language.

Sometimes I'm an ignorant piece of shit, and I accidentally say awful things without meaning to. I'm an ignorant piece of shit, and I accidentally say awful things without meaning to. And all I can do is try and learn as much stuff as humanly possible, which is why I'm always on the internet, just reading, reading articles. You're reading for the people. I'm reading to try and get rid of my own ignorance. Reading's important.

You know? How noble. When you're not reading, you're watching sex in the city too yes i'm about you know treading water at the moment i'm about keeping even keel i'm not sure about your impact it's pretty much at zero but if i didn't keep up the reading on this treat it's like being on a hamster wheel if i stop running which is reading on the internet uh it will kick my ass and i'll be flung about like a cartoon. I'll be on the roof of the thing and slam to the ground.

The good thing about having to record this podcast twice is it is a lovely night for a walk. This has got to be close to perfect walking temperature. I will give you that. It's beautiful. We haven't been attacked once. I don't want to jinx it. I probably shouldn't have said that. I'll give you that. It's beautiful. We haven't been attacked once. I don't want to jinx it.

I probably shouldn't have said that. I'll give you the credit for that. Your scanning was second to none out in that park. Thanks, mate. There's just trucks going by at this time of night, you know. What a life that would be to be a truckie. So many people

do it. You need truckies in a industrialized society absolutely you do you're just in there and you and your truck it becomes kind of like your house for hours driving around in that cab when you see those little photos and trinkets you got to make it your own it's your office i've got quite a romantic notion of that if i had to life on the road you have some bad shit went down at some point go and move to america and become a long-haul truckie like how cool would that be and you're talking on the rv to other truckies out there if you were a talkback radio host and you got a call from someone who said and you're like what do you do for a drive trucks you're like okay i'm in safe

hands this person's gonna at least have a story i would always get calls from truckies on my radio show and i would always talk back radio show i would always get calls from truckies on my radio show. That's not a bad concept for a talkback radio show. I would always appreciate it. Trucker talk. And I would always give them a massive shout out. Surely there's some sort of Midwestern radio station called Trucker Talk out there, which is just truckers talking about there. I think by default a lot of talkback stations in the States are entirely comprised in certain cities and things of just truckers.

And I'd listen to them. I'd listen to what they have to say. Going into a country and listening to their talkback is a great way to learn about the worst parts of their culture. Yeah, it's a great way to sort of find out about the different brands of idiot who are living in that place. Talkback radio is hilarious. Tim, what I do want to say to you,

and I don't mean to keep bringing it up, but I did, and this is for the audience as opposed to you, Tim, that we've got a lost episode somewhere out there in the wildness. We've got two now. They're keeping each other friends. There was one in Wellington, and now there's one sitting around on the streets of Grey Lynn. Floating above us in podcast heaven, talking to each other about what could have been.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. This movie, and I think what makes it such a different beast and such a different experience from Grown Ups 2, is it it's python like nature it has the spirit of a of a great python that is to say it there's nothing quick about the way it kills yeah it just coils itself around you and like a vice it just it draws all of the air out of you and suffocates you in a way that means early on when you're watching the film,

you can sort of entertain positive ideas and there's a lot of chat around funny things that are happening and, you know, you've got quite spirited and enthusiastic points and things are so about it. But as the movie goes on, you know, once you clock the one hour, one hour, 32 hour mark. Yeah. It's just, it saps everything that remains for you it's just a fight for life

by the time it finishes you're just absolutely lying on the ground gasping for air thinking thank god that's over and you've pretty much blacked out you're so right it um it probably like ultimately where this is leading is it will lead to a worse podcast this season. I don't think worse. I do. I fully believe that. I'll put my name on it. I'll stick my name to that.

This will be worse. It has been a fair of entertained, but I've never said it out loud. Less entertaining podcast than last season because of the nature of the movie, which you could take in a really meta way and accept the fact that we're in more pain therefore it is funnier so you can drive your own implicit pleasure out of hearing

that but in an explicit way it's just two really tired beaten down strangled people trying to come up with shit to say after a really long movie that is just so inconsequential. And if it was consequential, it's in the wrong direction because it's so offensive. You know? Yeah, I hear you. I hear what you're saying, Tim. This heals something, doesn't it?

Yeah, I've got a reasonable sweat on now. That's good. I can't recommend No Lights, No Lycra enough. I on now. That's good. Can't recommend No Lights, No Lycra enough. I felt so good after that movie. So zen. Sort of like yoga.

You mean after the activity, not the movie. Yeah. Yeah. But the movie's playing tricks with my mind, Tim.

But, you know, it's sort of like after, if you've ever done yoga, which I've done a total of like, you know,

one time or something, but the feeling you get afterwards when you walk out and you've had an hour in your own mind and you've sort of come to, you're at ease with it. And you feel very relaxed and like everything is okay in the world. The contrast I feel right now, after having spent two and a half hours watching Sex and City 2 with you and about one hour talking about it is staggering i thought you were going the opposite direction with that i thought this was going to be an uplifting tale about how it's actually put you into a zen-like point of

maybe not happiness but content what i'm saying is the power of this python yeah has strangled out the memory of the very positive experience i had earlier tonight. Oh, jeez. Well, on that glorious note, the reason why I want to wrap this one up, Monty, is I just don't want to risk anything on this one not working. So I'm going to hit the stop button and really hope that this recorded. It would be a pretty phenomenally bleak soundscape as if this got wiped and then we just had to roll straight into a third one that would be absolute lunacy so um hopefully this is the one you're hearing um if it's not i don't know

how this would get out but pray for us if you're out there get back in the internet we need you um also i'd like to allude to the fact that after the first five watches of this movie we're allowed we're allowed our little treats. We're allowed to bring guests in. We're allowed to partake in a beer or two. And I think that might lighten the mood a bit. I've already got one of the rules, I reckon. Yeah.

Which is every time there's an outfit change, drink. Jesus Christ. You're a madman, Beth. But like for core characters only. You also had a very, you turned me with a very funny idea about one hour and 45 minutes into the movie today, which was we should watch the movie together in total silence. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Because a lot of the, like a lot of the security of watching the movie with each other is that we can natter away through it. We do. And we make jokes. Speculate and shoot the breeze

and laugh at what's happening in our plight. But a vow of silence through the whole thing. Now that's crazy. That's going to be a uniquely lonely experience. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of eye contact. We're both going to feel very different. Should we do that next?

I think so. Go around? God, it'll be a bloody challenge. Will we be in Melbourne at that point? Melbourne, Australia? Oh, by the way, for the love of God, if you are in Melbourne challenge will we be in Melbourne at that point? Melbourne Australia? Oh by the way for the love of God if you are in Melbourne or you know anyone in Melbourne

you've got to come to my and Guy's shows they're two different shows but fuck me I forgot to promote it in any way shape or form I have not advertised it whatsoever you're splashing around out there in the ocean right now so just like yeah just you've got to come along.

Tim Batt's show is called Tim Batt Explores the Human Experience. Yeah, it's an hour long and it's just me. So make of that what you will. But you should come to it. Yeah, it'll be good. It starts on the 25th. It goes to the 7th. Anyway, just Google around.

You'll find it. At the start of this conversation at the start of us realising that we should do this I felt iffy about plugging them

but I thought you know what this is our podcast we haven't advertised anything on this god damn thing except for Blaze fucking pizza

this podcast has cost me so much fucking money and time yeah but we got a trip to LA out of it thanks to you guys

and that's the main thing but anyway Guy's show is called Guy Montgomery and Rose MedeFeo, Our Friends. Is that right? I'm part of two shows here. I'm doing one for the first two weeks called Snort, which is an improv show. It's a great, great little time.

Bloody hop on down if you're in Melbourne. And the other one's called Guy Montgomery and Rosemary DeFeo, Our Friends. Yeah, and if you've got an issue with us plugging our shows, go fuck yourself. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart like i know it's it's it's obtuse and it's not the usual thing that we do on this podcast yourself you need to tell everyone you know who might potentially know anyone in melbourne because i have probably sold zero tickets at this stage and I'm doing like eight nights. You keep that chin up Tim, man.

You're a real go-getter, you're a real heartbreaker, you're a real winner. I also need to write the show. You're one of life's rare gems. I don't know if that's the strongest sales pitch. Yeah. Okay. So, the next episode, are we going to commit to the silence thing for the next? I don't think we should lock it in

for necessarily the next one because we don't know what the circumstances will be. This is true. We don't know what the context is. But the idea is out there. It'll be before 10. It'll be before episode 10. We'll do one where we're monks.

Thank you for listening. Sorry about the confusing nature of the experience. Not as sorry as I am for ourselves. I apologize for nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would like to show gratitude to you for being a clever enough person to be listening to this podcast

because only the best people do. Have a good day. Buy a stranger a treat at the supermarket. Yeah. Yeah. Let's start that Hayley Joel Osmond wave of good times. Definitely buy Hayley Joel Osmond a treat at the supermarket. Yeah, if you see him, buy him a treat because, you know.

God knows he needs it. He needs something. All right. We'll end it there. So, bye. It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time It's the worst idea of all time Season 2