The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Twenty Nine - Vanessa

Episode Date: January 15, 2017

SPONSORED BY AUDIBLE.COMTempers are frayed and temperatures are hotter than ever - the boys are back for 2017 and sweating their little tushies off in the studio to watch Zacole fail to make good music again. Tim decapitates a mosquito, leading the boys to discuss the relative measure of heroics and bravery in the context of the insect world and Illuminati comes up a bunch. Basically, to try and not discuss the movie again.Trailer: The Male Gayz Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Instagram at littleempirepodcasts. Are you going to play that dastardly intro again? Try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Ow! This movie's still fine. This is a colleague of mine. One of the guys that goes through. One of them's a hottie. His name is Jay.

One of them looks like Johnny Depp. And his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. I agree. Oh! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. The boys are back in town. Da-da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Hello. Welcome along to the Worst Idea of All Time episode 29 with your friends Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery. That's him. That's me. We're back together for the first time in 2017.

We've watched We Are Your Friends for the 29th time. We are physically connected through a makeshift pair of handcuffs fashioned from a bike lock. And it's really good to be here with you, Tim. And it's really good to have occasional skin-on-skin contact. Yeah. It's kind of, you just sort of did it very early on. In fact, was it before the movie kicked off? No, it was during the movie.

During the movie. You got a little bored, a little restless. You fashioned this contraption that connects us both. uh look it's just on there now it's a metaphor because we're connected you and i yeah and the bike lock is a metaphor for the movie or i guess the podcast yes certainly both it's an all-encompassing bike lock yeah um so look it's great to be back it's great to have you back in the room guy it's good to hang out with you in person again you know well it's good to be back in the room it's it's humid yes it's exactly as i remember it yeah hot and tim's here yes those are the main two things for

how danky and stanky and um sort of you know dense the air does get in here during these heady watches, these heady late 20 sort of middle-of-the-road watches. I'm always impressed by how it doesn't retain the smell. Yeah. If you whack these doors open, it'll just leave. Really air itself out. Yeah, it's pretty good. Can't do that at nighttime, though, because the mosquitoes get in.

Folks, we've just watched a movie for the 29th time in the last seven months. What do you think about mosquitoes? Not great, not a fan. I actually hate them. Do you? Yeah, they really piss me off. Yeah, they'll definitely have a munch. Do they like you?

They used to like me more. Now, not so much. I wonder if that is to do with your diet. Because you eat a lot of mortine. Yeah. Now, not so much. I wonder if that is to do with your diet. It's not. Because you eat a lot of mortain. Yeah. Well, in tablet form. Sorry, for the Americans, Black Flag, I think.

Yeah. Fly spray. Guy eats a lot of fly spray. I spray it through a loaf of bread and sort of wait until it sort of manifests in an actual physical crystal. And I take 10 of those every morning. And since then i gotta say the mosquitoes they've they've been laying off they just peel away don't they yeah as has my skin it's been peeling away uh pretty quickly you'll see here i'm i'm rubbed red i'm rubbed dry uh but

what i was going to say is i think they've also laid off me because i've learned to respect them oh really do you think you've got some sort of compact with them i just think it's a hard life i don't know what uh what's their purpose did i i'm not sure if i brought this up with you i don't think so because i don't think i've seen you since it happened but when i bloody got a mosquito that was on me the other night at the night time yeah and i oh this is pretty gross bro actually it bit me on the hand and i could kind of feel something so i just kind of swiped it and then i kind of could feel like the blood you know like if there's something wet on my hand so i went to this is the middle of the night this is about two in the morning so i went to the bathroom turned the light on it's pretty gross

the fucking i'd ripped the head of the thing off so so the rest of the mosquito was gone, and it was the... Whatever it is, it's teeth. What is the thing that goes in and sucks your blood? Whatever that thing is was hanging out of my skin. Wow! Yeah. Okay. You've got to think about all the other mosquitoes

will reckon this guy is an absolute hero. That is probably one of the gnarliest deaths a mosquito could have he's in mosquito valhalla now yeah it is he's decapitated it's crazy man that's it though it was pretty gross i got grossed out the life of a mosquito every meal you're putting your life on the line that's true um that's true usually we kind of associate bravery with there's a point why you're risking your life though otherwise you're essentially johnny knoxville you know but they they need it well i guess that's true yeah that's a good point the bravery is that they need it to keep going huh

do you think there's any smart mosquitoes that have found a way to be able to sustain themselves without having to risk their life all the time uh no but i'll tell you what the first mosquito to figure that out yeah like put together a good marketing scheme oh fuck we're so screwed if that happens because they breed so quick they lay all those millions of eggs if they're eating something else let them breed yeah i guess you're right but it's the insects man and see i'm terrified of them because if there's so many of them that if they figure something out the change will happen really quickly it'll amplify you know what i mean yeah yeah like if if fruit flies are like hey guess what it turns out there's way more nourishment in human flesh than there is in fruit and we're gonna try eating humans for a while, and then the first batch of them thrive,

and so their numbers increase, and they're all bloodthirsty. We're fucked. I read a very entertaining piece of writing by a guy called John Jeremiah Sullivan recently in which he was talking about cases in which animals have pulled their intelligence to realize that human beings are ultimately the cause of all destruction

and sort of upsetting their lifestyle and lives. And so there are people who prophesise that they will figure out a way to work together and... Take us out. Yeah, smash the patriarchy. God, we will have earned it too. Oh, yeah. I cannot begrudge them that.

I will fight for my own life we are the mosquito aren't we we will fight to sustain ourselves and no one can begrudge us that but it's still like massive respect to whoever wins that fight we're not the mosquito though because we prodded the mosquito to prod back we talked a little bit about um the illuminati during the watch of this film yeah and between us we know very little about their origins. Yeah. Not even 100% sure if we know that they are or were a real thing. Yeah.

It all stemmed from... We were waxing lyrical over a lot of the movie, I've got to be honest with you guys. A lot of freestyle rapping. A lot of freestyle rapping. Two sweaty white boys doing some freestyle rapping in the freestyle rap just a lot of crazy twists and turns a lot of alternative takes and uh one of the more enjoyable ones was that zach efron or his character more accurately was having some sort of uh mental breakdown during the performance of his single as he realised what a disastrous piece of music it was.

Yeah. And then trying to shift the blame for that onto Kanye West. Yeah, that's where it came from. That's right. Because I was saying to you that there's a bunch of people online who believe that Kanye is now under the mind control of the CIA because he started talking about the Illuminati, so they dropped the hammer on him.

I think that there's someone on the internet everywhere for every thought. I know. That would be a fun comic book, though, actually. What? Like Kanye, the CIA trying to mind control Kanye. Kanye, the CIA operative. Or is it more of a cat and mouse game?

It's cat and mouse, yeah. It's Kanye trying to keep a low enough profile so that he can blow the lid off the Illuminati goings-on and the CIA trying to stop him, but without raising too much attention that they're onto him. Because he's such a high... That's the problem with celebrities who crack onto shit. They're so high profile, you can't just fucking off him, you know?

Yeah, you got to do it under uh mysterious circumstances this is the second time today we've been talking about kind of state sanctioned killings or things in that ballpark i think it's the movie yep um how did you find it this week tim it's got a spell on me yeah not a good one a shitty spell like the ones in harry potter that turn you into a bowl of jelly or something i don't know i haven't watched all the movies assume that's what happens or read the books um the movie is a real inconvenience and a nuisance now and uh it truly is it's good to see it's good to hang out with you i just wish it was under different circumstances and i don't want to see it anymore and we've got another uh 23 of these

watches to go and i don't know how i'm going to get it through because everyone the movie fucking sucks who sucked the least this week okay the least i think you're gonna say the most the least uh the award for a person who sucked the least in this, the 29th watch of We Are Your Friends, goes to... Fuck, I hated all of them. Surely not all of them. I hated James Reid. From the feelers. Yes.

I hated Zicoli. Somaly, maybe? She did out this week. Yeah. But I still hated her. I hated her less. She sucked the least is what you're trying to say. Yeah.

You're trying to pay her a compliment. Well, yeah. Very backhanded compliment. But I guess it her. I hated her less. She sucked the least is what you're trying to say. Yeah. You're trying to pay her a compliment. Well, yeah, very backhanded compliment, but I guess it is a compliment of sorts. And the context of the film is the highest praise you can give an actor. Here we go. Here we go. Start the clocks because we haven't done this for a little while. I'm going to explain everything that happens in the movie in 60 seconds. Okay.

I'll time you. Okay. Okay. So starting from three, two, one, go. We open on Zac Efron and a bunch of his friends who are in their early 20s trying to make their way in the world in California. They're in the valley in LA

and they are party promoters. They're club promoters. Zac Efron is a struggling DJ. He goes to the club. They're trying to make their money. He does his DJing in his side room. He meets Somaly. He befriends James Reid, who

is the headliner. They hang out. He eventually bangs Somaly. They move into an apartment. Skrull dies. He's been tempted with this carrot of playing at Summerfest, which is a big concert thing for DJs. James Reid finds out that he's fucked Somaly,

which is his girlfriend. They have a breakdown, and then they get back together in time for the end for Zicoli to launch this terrible, terrible song out into the world. Oh, and they work for a property company in between at one point. Pretty good.

That's all the stuff, really. Yeah. There was a key, and that's all the stuff really yeah there was a there was a key um and that's time very well done thank you uh there was a key just a little detail that gets switched around which i especially noticed this week actually which is that uh the relationship between zicole and james reed Reid from The Feelers breaks down before Skrill dies. Because I remember watching it this week, and you watch it and you're like, when you see that he finds out Ziccoli and Somely ran to Paris

then ran back to Las Vegas and had sex in a hotel room, mentally you're like, oh, your muscles relax a little bit because you think, oh, great, I'm on the slide home. And then as soon as that scene finishes, you see Zicola getting into a car with all the boys, including Squirrel, and you're like, fuck, that's right. They haven't even killed Squirrel yet. Yeah.

How can you finish the movie if you haven't killed your Squirrel? Yeah. And so you've just got to sit through this whole other superfluous scene, which is meant to provide like emotional depth and then they patch the relationship back up together the most enjoyable lens through which I saw the film

this week was the idea that Ziccoli stole all of James Reed from the fearless PCP and was just hooked he's an addict the man is an addict do you reckon there is a page maybe not oh that's imagined well the main sort of uh you know plot offshoot of zicoli's pcp addiction that we noticed this week was he immediately, in his nerves,

forgets that Somaly's name is Somaly and starts calling her Vanessa. Yeah. And then, as a show of affection, when he's trying to communicate his feelings towards her, he tattoos the name Vanessa on his erect penis, otherwise known as box office gold. Yeah.

And he's trying to show it to somally uh to impress her the irony being her name isn't vanessa so then it's just confusing because he's he's called his dick vanessa and tattooed it on his and he's got to like navigate this very real social faux pas through the very confusing perspective of someone who is tripping out on PCP the whole time. And I just think, as opposed to the version of the movie that you just said in a minute, there's a little bit more in that for us.

You want to see that film? I did see that film. And it certainly made watching the other film, which I was watching concurrently uh much more palatable what would you call um this vanessa version of it like if the original version is we are your friends what can this one be called uh it's called vanessa a journey a journey into the south it's called vanessa um fast times PCP High. We aren't your friends, and then in parenthesis or after a colon, the pitfalls of PCP.

Oh, so it's like almost a high school educational movie warning you off drugs. It's the reefer madness of our generation. Yeah. It's anti-drug propaganda. I just can't wait for Baywatch you know that's what i'm really hanging out for this thing's got me so thirsty for baywatch god damn it i want to see it uh what why has it got you thirsty because baywatch is a different movie or because if you look at this as

sort of you know uh a piece of connective tissue two-bar watch. You look forward to the further unraveling. You want to know what it is, Guy? I'm a positive guy. I'm an optimist. And I think what I'm seeing is all of the small little good things that shine through about Zac Efron are present in this film. It's got a great sense of humour. It's got a wonderful

smile. It's got a pretty hot bod. And I'm looking forward... Great set of eyes, too. Wonderful eyes. I'm looking... Baby bod and i'm looking for a set of eyes too wonderful eyes i'm looking baby blues i'm looking forward to seeing all of that used to great effect in baywatch because i feel like they were squandered even though we got little flashes of those um great assets of zach efron's they were squandered and so in baywatch my hope is that under the artistic direction of whomever the people in charge of that film was

I don't know who the director is he directed it as well? he wrote, directed and produced it isn't he doing well? yeah he's under the mentorship of Michael and Patrick King well then it's going to be great and long and not very good

that's definitely going to be the flavor of that film. So you, this movie, in spite of its... When you say this, are you talking about Baywatch or We Are Your Friends? I'm talking about We Are Your Friends. In spite of its ability to frustrate you, you see in it potential for... Yeah, but that's on me, not on the movie.

You're buying Zac Efron stock. That's because I'm a good person, not because the movie's good. It's because I'm seeing that and otherwise... You're investing in Efron. Yeah. Backing that vehicle. Big time.

You ever notice how similar Efron sounds to Enron? Ooh. Comes into the game singing and dancing and acting a triple threat. Value skyrockets. You're right.

Everyone gets behind him. The kid can do no wrong. Everyone wants to be involved in his career. And then We Are Your Friends is like the crash, isn't it? Yeah. It's like they find out it's all based on bullshit. Baywatch could be, you know, like the last semblance of hope.

I guess it is. You know in The Simpsons when they go on that stock market. The Enron ride. Yeah. We might break even. And then you go through the poor house at the end it's funny and then you hear someone off screen go that's good satire good gracious um so look i i don't know what you want from us anymore basically i think i'm done

i think we're done with the podcast now oh look the number of times it might be it you are the boy who cried podcast no shit man just i don't accept it for what it is it's a different thing every week i don't want to talk about the movie anymore so let's talk about um anything else okay i would love to talk about anything else okay so what you will have noticed tim is recently I've been drinking milk from your fridge, straight from the carton. And the reason I've started doing that is because in a movie I watched recently called We Are Your Friends, a character called Jarhead drinks juice straight from a carton. You fuck. And I sort of thought that was quite a cool devil-may-care attitude towards hygiene around the kitchen. And I guess I want your take on what you think of mine

and Jarhead's decision to drink fluid straight from the carton. Well, I know we've talked extensively about milk. What is that? The next door. That's the neighbours. Okay. Telling us to stop banging on the damn furnace. Sean-a-, Megazalan.

He's back. What do you think about it? I think that to each their own, basically. If you want to go out there and be a goddamn adult psychopath and keep drinking milk and just get judged for it. I'm less concerned by the fluid contained therein. I know you are because your perspective is warped because you're a milk drinker no i don't drink milk i drink your milk but i don't drink

milk in general like outside of the context of this house it's a milk it's more of a statement this isn't really you don't even enjoy not even a statement there's just something about your kitchen okay well look i think in the case of you stop coming to my house unannounced and consuming my stuff and in the case of jarhead i think it is poor characterization sort of i guess i want to call it lazy but then but then i go could i do any better if i was to sit down and toil over a film script probably not for. For that specific thing, I mean. That specific character trait. Do you think...

It's like, hey, we've got a guy who's a real badass. How do we display that? I'll tell you what. If we're opening at his house, you know what you want to do. Get him to get the fucking OJ out of the fridge. Do not have him get a glass. And also, make it clear that the OJ is over half full.

So it's not like he's polishing it off and it's all okay. It's going back in the fridge. It's going back in the fridge. With his backwash. Do you think if you could only see your parents in soft focus or out of focus entirely. If I could only see them in soft focus in my house. That's right. Do you think then you would it would change the dynamic

of your relationship would you maybe have less respect for them if you exclusively saw them in soft focus god only knows that's true should we ask him? Yeah, sure. God? God? God, are you out there? It's Guy. Yeah, sorry. I was taking a shit. That's okay. I don't need all the details.

Hey, God. Yes. If my friend and colleague, esteemed colleague, Tim Batt. Esteemed colleague? Good one. Why, you sound kind of like him. Do you sometimes take the form of the person who's being discussed? I get that a lot.

I'm a real sponge for accents. Oh, that makes sense, I guess, because you made them all up. Yeah, that's true. All right. He did. He made them all up. Oh, hey, Tim. Yeah.

If you think about it. I'm kind of talking to God right now. It's pretty rude to interrupt. The likelihood of this happening is so small. Let the man stay. Thanks, God. And speak. Thanks again.

If Tim Batt could only see his parents in soft focus, do you think that would change the dynamic of their relationship? Or maybe it would mean he would have less respect for their opinions because he can't see them communicating them clearly. Well, it's a good question. I think it would do the opposite. That which is not in focus cannot be the focus of your anger. Therefore, blurry objects should get more respect not less wow i never really thought about it like that thanks god hey tim yeah did you hear that yeah i did yeah that's crazy huh pretty

booming voice it's hard to miss yeah he really does so you've got to respect anything that's out of focus. Well, I feel that lesson has been wasted on Jarhead. Do you reckon this is why, like, society is on the decline now? Because back in the day, cameras, they were not as sharp as they are now. So, things were a lot blurrier. So, people kind of, like, paid them more respect. But now everything's a bit too sharp. You know, you've got your 4K and your 16 megapixel camera.

You blame camera technology for the decay of society. Yeah. Well, yeah. Definitely. I'm not quite sure how you can see it any other way. It's just, you know, you made that connection so quickly. It's a lot to process, Tim. Yeah.

You're not wrong there. But you got to keep up, you know. We're talking about big ideas here, big concepts. Don't get lost in the mire. In the muck and the mire. We are big boys and these are big concepts because you wouldn't want it any other way. Now, so take me as I am.

Tim, this may mean you have to be a stronger man. Getting sentimental with James Reid. James Reid. I'm James Reid. And I live on a mushroom in the forest. I'm so hungry. James Reid from The Feelers gives Zicoli a MacBook Pro box. What's in it? I'll tell you what's in it.

It's an Adidas box. What's Adidas? It's the way that we say Adidas. Adidas. All day. How do they say it in the States? Adidas. Adidas. adidas all day how do they say in the states adidas adidas um so inside that box just like

in the movie is filled with all of zach efron's money okay what so james reed is it is it a replica or is it no this is the box so here's the terrifying reality of what's happened in the film page harrell is working with James Reid from The Feelers. They are in bed together in business. Fucking diamonds, stealing houses, flipping property together. Playing acoustic guitar. Yeah, that too. So what's happened

is when Zac Efron thinks that he's putting his money that he got from Paige in his shoebox under his bed in his house at Jarhead's, what's actually happened is James Reid from the Feelers and Paige Harrell have the deed to that house. So they own everything. To the Jar family's house.

Correct. Jar bless. So what's happened is every time that Sikoli has put his money into that box, he's actually putting money directly back into the coffers of Page Harrell and Gold Star Realty Solutions. So they have deliberately misled him to think he's saving. Correct. Wherein he's actually investing money,

not even on his own behalf. He's just putting it back into where, whence it came. Page Harrell giveth and Page Harrell taketh away. It makes sense insofar as we know Page Harrell and James Reid from The Feelers are in cahoots because they frequent the same strip clubs. They do. Yeah, that's a good point. This sounds like the sort of harebrained scheme that might occur over a couple of glasses of vino.

Well, you're not wrong. And that is where I like to drink my wine in the strip club. You personally? Me personally. You Tim Bat. Yes. Yes. So this brings us to the presentation of the box back to Ziccoli.

This is a mind game. Okay? Yeah. James Reed from The Feelers is fucking with our boy Ziccoli. It's a real power play is what's happening here he's revealing to him not only am i working with your boss and i am your boss and your hobby interests and your musical pursuits but i own your fucking house bruv and i've got access to everything that is around you at any given moment you think that I didn't know that you slept with my girlfriend?

I know everything. I am borderline omnipotent to you, and I will not be fucked with. Okay, I've got a question around IP. Who owns the music Zicoli creates? I'm going to assume James Reid from The Feelers because he does the lion's share in that studio. So that would mean that he is the architect of his own demise

if he is helping deliberately create this terrible music think of it like star wars right what zicoli possesses is a strong amount of the force the force can be light or it can be dark but he's a powerful being he's got that potential in him so what james reed from the fearless has to do is recognize that dj power and then find a way to neutralize it if he comes in too hot and negative he's going to push zicole away and then zicole is going to get more powerful and take him over from a distance you've got to keep your friends close and your enemies in the studio where you bang somberly as the bible tells us so that's what james reed from the fellas is doing he brings him into the studio they make music together he's leading him down a crazy path wild girls chase creating this shitty song that he's going to play

at summer fest and blow out to abandon his hopes and dreams of being a DJ. He's got to really crush him. It's very psychological. It really opens the question of free will up, doesn't it? Because suddenly Zicole's not living in a world wherein he's in control of his destiny. Yeah. It's all predetermined.

It's determinism. Yeah, it is. Fart. Well, not necessarily. Only if you assume that there's no other way that this could have happened. If you think that Zicoli's gotten him to somehow, if he was just smart enough to kind of outfox him, then, you know, that's back in the mix.

I guess it's just that, you know, he's sort of pursuing two careers in this film. Yes. The music. Yes. And also sort of offhandedly... Music makes a colleague think he's good at things. That's true.

So he's pursuing the music. And on the other hand, he's pursuing the realty thing. And he would believe that if he was to quit either of these jobs he is suddenly back in the fray uh like he's he's pursuing the other one of his own choice but both of those are being controlled by the same yeah it's like when you go to a vending machine and you're like i don't know what i'll get a coca-cola or a fanta and then you buy a fender because you're like well coke sells heaps of You know, I want to support this little underdog Fanta. But you're secretly supporting Coke the whole time.

Yeah, it's like, should I vote for the Democrat or the Republican? But little do you know, the Illuminati are controlling both sides, bro. It's exactly like that, Tim. We're going to take a short break now to hear a word from our sponsor. This episode of The Worst Idea of All Time is brought to you by Audible.com. What's Audible? Thanks for asking. Good question.

Hi, I'm Tim Batt from the Worst Idea of All Time. And I'm Guy Montgomery, also from the Worst Idea of All Time, but also from the Audible Foundation of Experts on Audible. but also from the Audible Foundation of Experts on Audible. Audible is the largest collection online of fantastic on-demand audio content. What do we mean when we say that? We mean things like books read aloud to you, okay? I'm going to phrase this differently to how you've normally heard it.

People talk a lot about audio books. What does that mean? It means someone's talked into a microphone and recorded themselves so at your leisure you can absorb a book through sound reading a book by hand can be physically taxing and exhausting it might mean you have to call in sick at work the next day an audio book does not have that same problem for it is contained as an audio file and transferred directly from the earphone into your head. I recently read a book by hand called The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, age 13 and three quarters,

written by Sue Townsend. It is a very funny book detailing a pubescent boy in England's pursuit of his true love Pandora and just trying to navigate his gawky way through the world. He was a forebear for characters such as Alan Partridge and David Brent. I have no idea whether or not

it's available on Audible but if it is which Tim is researching for you right now I would highly recommend listening to it as it is most entertaining. Boy I really hope

it's on here now huh? Let's have a look. You and me both Tim. Have you read any other good books recently? I don't want to keep throwing things at you. That's pretty good

that you read one book. I read Marching Powder by Rusty Young. The story of a drug smuggler who wound up in San Pedro, a famous Bolivian prison, and started giving... Achoo! Excuse me. Bless you, Tim. That was a powerful sneeze.

Hey, heads up, everyone. The aforementioned Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, aged 13 and three quarters, is available. Narrated by Stephen Mangan. Who's that? Dunno, couldn't tell you. But the book is up there. And if you go to audible.com slash try now, right now,

you'll be able to get a trial membership for 30 days and one free book so you can test out how this magic works. Go do it right now. Thanks to our sponsor again, audible.com. That is A-U-D-I-B-L-E dot com slash try now. Ow! This movie's still fun. And we're back.

Baby. I don't know. What other business have we got to attend to on this godforsaken... I've got to attend to the business of... You want to dig deeper into the Illuminati, I hear. Having a hose down because there's a film of sweat establishing itself beneath this T-shirt right now. It's getting... Take it off.

Take it off. I can't because we are fastened to one another by this dastardly handcuff. It's quite an interesting decision. I tried to get out of it before and you were very adamant that that was not going to happen, which I respect. If someone's made a decision about something you got to respect it but i just don't know where it's coming from is this like an abandonment issue thing because we've been apart for so long no i just think i was frustrated early when watching the movie by the idea i was fastened or handcuffed to it and i said uh something along the lines of i'm handcuffed to that movie and you said an eye

to you and i thought we are kind of handcuffed to each other what if we became more handcuffed to each other and so i removed my bike lock and fastened it atop our respective wrists and do i regret it a little bit i don't think it's provided, you know. This thing's been on us for about two hours now. Yeah, I don't think it's provided either of us with more. No, it hasn't added anything to anything. But that's all right. It's here.

It exists. So make of that what you will. The thing is, though, also, you've got to try things sometimes, guys. So I'm going to walk back the negativity that I showed this move. Because sometimes you've got to throw a lot of seeds out there. People always respect a win, but you've got to respect a try as well. And I don't mean that in the rugby sense. I mean an attempt. For if you did mean it in a rugby sense,

a try would be something that would happen on the way to a win. That's right. And it would kind of be a win in itself. The team with the most tries is likely to win although will not necessarily win if the other team kicked more penalty or drop goals. As with all

sports. What a clear metaphor we've painted for everyone. Save for golf. What about it? The team with the more points wins. But in golf the player with the least points wins. in golf the player with the the least points you got it wins you got it you got it unless you got it your match fixing in which case um if you get more points you might well you'll lose the game but you'll win money and by win i mean cheat for money that's kind of still

a sort of a win isn't it not if you wind up in prison, Tim, because that is a loss. Unless you take your time in prison and better yourself in there. Get yourself a law degree, make some new friends. And then come out of prison richer for the experience

with a newfound lease on life and pursue your one true passion, which was... Tattooing the name Vanessa to your penis. Right? Because sometimes you've got to and pursue your one true passion, which was... Tattooing the name Vanessa to your penis. Right? Because sometimes you've got to have a little break from your life to discover what's important to you, and you don't always know that tattooing the name Vanessa on your junk

is your life's ambition, until you just take a step back, get a little clarity, you know? Take some yoga lessons, and it'll just hit you like a ton of bricks. A lot of people, they get away from their lives. They take a little vacation from their high-powered job as a corporate lawyer or some sort of stressful accounting job where they're in charge of auditing big companies and lots of people relying on them. Maybe they're in upper senior management roles, right?

And you take a break for a while. You take a little sabbatical. Maybe you'll quit because you can feel the pressure. Your heart pressure's bad. Your body's gone unhealthy. You're stressed out. And it's in those moments that you, like the clouds parting from the sky, get a moment of unbridled clarity on what's important to you.

And often that is friends and family and getting the name vanessa tattooed to your erect penis often often that happens often a lot of people are afraid of chasing their dreams because they think once they realize them or get close to them uh it won't change the way they feel and they'll be let down um to those people, I say, fair enough. There's a totally valid fear and concern. Stay as you are. It's like the dog chasing the mailman, isn't it? Once they get the mailman,

they don't know what they're going to do with him. They are in it for the hustle. They love the hustle. The hustle is what they're there to do. Except for the smart dogs who know to open the mail. Well, that's true. And then they can filter out. Do they ever put doggy treats in the mail?

Yeah, I do it all the time. That's good of you. Yeah. That's quite funny. I send a lot of letters to a lot of high-profile politicians. Yeah. And they've all got doggy treats in them. That's so funny.

And sometimes the politician doesn't have a dog and they open it up and they think either A, I'm writing to them as some sort of satirical statement and giving them a doggy treat because I think of them as a dog. Yeah. Or B, think, wow, that's so kind of one of my constituents to send me a treat and they'll eat the treat. Or C, someone is trying to take my life yeah so it's like the horse head in the bed kind of a thing but way lower level well if i want to send that message usually what i'll do is i'll get a horse head and i'll put it in their bed right i find that's the most efficient means of getting that across so then what do you think is the like

worst case messaging of you sending doggy treats to politicians what's the worst reading of that uh probably someone who thinks that it's a treat for their pet cat if they have quite a high profile pet cat and they feed a politician has ascended to the ranks of representative of the people and sees a doggy treat and thinks this is definitely a treat for my cat that's why it's the worst possible outcome right because it's a damning indictment on their intelligence and in the political system at large yeah and i mean they represent us yeah and for them to be that stupid would be you know phenomenally disappointing well what's the clock saying that guy i think i need to leave the room i got bad news for you comrade yeah not yet in russia light shines on you oh boy oh boy this is gonna be a hard one too this is gonna be tricky yeah she's a hard road to

find the perfect moment do you know what it is it's actually right there it's present for me but we've talked about it quite a lot previously so I'm thinking I might need to find another bit but while I do don't hold back you don't have to you gotta say what you wanna say where's my 500 bro the delivery for that line man where's my 500 bro

that character there's a lot more to be said about him the man who works in the club who does not understand there is a world outside the club you might remember him he was in an episode of entourage as turtle's annoying second cousin who tried to freeload with vinnie and the gang one night uh that same character

uh has been maintained um the actual actor who's been playing him has been been maintaining character since that entourage episode wrapped. And yeah, I mean, he's certainly, there's a lot to be said about him, isn't there? I think he's actually- No, I'm done. He's got a Nickelodeon spinoff. It's sort of a situation comedy where he's trying to raise two young kids as a single dad

in his nightclub. And his kid's night outside exists, but he doesn't. Weird. Do they feed information back to him, or have they got to protect him from this reality? They have to protect him from the reality. It's pretty dark for Nickelodeon. Very dark.

It's an interesting direction they've taken. I also, this watch, really liked all the swimming pools in this movie. I remember three. Yeah. All of them? All of them. They shone bright and they shone true they did great work great work pools good stuff tim yeah my shining light this week would have to be something i'm about to make up off the top of my head oh a little noise there uh oh man it, it is so hard, isn't it? Yeah, it really is.

Squirrel and Zocoli down on the beach. Just because I'm literally beating on my forehead now, and it looks so refreshing. That ocean air. That promise of cool sea water. Ocean mist. I recently was hanging out with my younger sister and we came out of a public restroom

and they had toilet spray in there and it was by Glade and the smell was suddenly spring and Annie, my little sister, was just in absolute hysterics at the idea that suddenly... Oh my God! You are not a pair of the power you wield. It is a season-changing spray.

And that was a season-changing turd that we just sat down and feasted our eyes upon. Summer is here, Tim. Long may it continue. Indeed. And 2017 is here also. And I've never felt worse about that prospect. So thanks for being on board. Here's to you, and we'll catch you in the next episode.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague who passed out. One of them dies, and that guy's a screw. One of them's a hottie, and his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph You forget that films are supposed to have a point

Thanks for listening to this podcast If you're thirsty for another, why not try The Male Gaze I'd follow them at any point no there's so many you have no idea how loyal i am to the people i follow i've been following deborah messing on snapchat for way too long now and i just okay so she's like a big supporter of the um democrat party yeah and she's just she's been campaigning for them for a very long time. But she just, there's something about her tone which just like really irks me a little bit.

God, I hope she's not listening. I love Deborah Messing. I'm a huge fan of Will and Grace.