The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Twenty Six - The Fuck

Episode Date: August 26, 2015

Tim is angry, tired and lashing out at Guy. Guy is trying to hold the show together. An 11:30pm watch of Sex and The City 2 has proven too much for the NZ based half of the podcasting duo, with Tim barely able to keep his eyes open and mouth moving. Guy meanwhile paints an incredible picture of Mr Big's latest Big Idea - a sexual speak easy franchise which has been funded by Brady - The Ratking. Plus, does Coffee Guy have ties to an intelligence agency linked to the Sheikh? Time will tell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello and welcome along to another exciting installment of the worst idea of all time Don't give me your bright animated voice and your positive language you piece of shit This sucks With myself Guy Montgomery I want to end my life That was the worst thing I've ever done. Out of the two seasons that we've done of this thing,

this is the worst one that there's been yet. This is the shit. Not in a good way. You know when some people say something's the shit? This is the opposite to that. This is a negative version of the shit. This is the fuck. So, Tim, my first question after that was going to be,

how are you going? Fucked up, man. I never want to see that movie again. I don't want us to do this thing anymore. Jesus. Just for a little bit of clarity as to the contrasting tones in our voice, what is the time currently in New Zealand, Tim?

Well, it's coming up 2 a.m again because the world revolves around guy montgomery and his edinburgh schedule no see this is was my first my second point of call was to apologize for the uh for the state in which you find yourself i do feel tremendously guilty said it before and i'll say it again you are a real son of a bitch Montgomery I miss you man The only thing I've got here is Zopaclone And I can't have that because that will make me more tired

And then I'll just fall asleep instantly You sound like you're barely hanging on as it is That was the worst thing that's ever happened to me as an individual. You know what? The screening wasn't as bad for me, but I was afraid that this is what would happen. It's not good, is it, Tim? No.

Is there any point to it? There is none This is the fucking brutal thing There's no point Why do you think You do it to yourself Why did you stay awake that whole time? Because

I said I would And when you say you're going to do something You have to do it You're a man of your word I think maybe that's how the movie got made as well some people said that they were going to do it so they just did it and now you mean uh out of uh like a sense of obligation to another person what are you tapping away on it's very distracting i was just closing the background windows and making it so that all i have is a very handsome picture of you on Skype.

What? Oh, yeah, because you're not seeing me how I am right now. Do you want to see? I'll turn the video on, shall I? Okay. Well, what I'm looking at right now is you at your best. Your piercing eyes are shooting right through me. How about now?

Oh, you do not look good at all. Oh, my God. You're not even in your house. You're at the office. Yeah. Oh, you look hellish sir holy shit fuck you man fuck you i hate you i hate your guts i know you do i know you do you know what's funny is because uh i was i was 15 minutes late to the record today and obviously it's very late in New Zealand. So this put Tim out.

You've got to probably quadruple the amount of time I was late by to understand the full impact. So I was an hour late to the record. And we went into the record. And I wanted to say hi to Tim before we started watching the movie. And he said, fuck talking. Just start the movie.

And I was like, oh, Tim's angry with me. I stand by what I said yeah no and then I thought to myself and the real problem here is I can't imagine that being subjected to two and a half hours of Sex and the City 2 is going to do much to lighten the mood nah bro and it's come it's absolutely come true all right let's um let me talk about something about the movie. Something's going on with that shake. What shake? The shake that invited Samantha and the gals to come on his dime on his airport.

His airline. Yeah? So he financed the movie, right? His airline. Yeah? So he financed the movie, right? But if he's a sheikh in the United Arab Emirates who's rich enough to have his own private airline, there's no way in fuck he made that money from the movie business.

He made it in oil. And there's no way that he needs to be in the movie business to make money. So then you've got to ask yourself, Guy, why is he in the movie business? Well, there's only one reason you would be in the movie business to make money so then you gotta ask yourself guy why is he in the movie business well there's only one reason you would be in the movie business if you already had all the money you need and that's to get influence and power he's manufacturing propaganda that's why he's trying to bring samantha into his web of lies because she's a pr person so he's he's got there's something big and sinister going on with that shake man he's making movies

he's got smith garrett and he's he's trying to convince everyone that he's a good guy but he's not he's a bad man so you think this is what he's using is just sort of distraction tactics he's making making a lot of noise around sort of seemingly harmless things to mask the terrible trades or deals he's either doing or has previously done could be that could definitely be that or maybe he's just trying to come across as a good guy by funding movies so everyone goes look at this harmless filmmaker he's like a middle eastern steven spielberg but in actual fact he's in the Middle East in Donald Trump. But that would be I mean

the movie he made would be pretty divisive I'd imagine in the United Arab Emirates because it's you know it's about Americans pretty much

coming over and going ballistic. We don't know anything We don't know anything about Heart of the Desert. All we've got to go on is the movie poster. Yeah. He's wearing camo.

Yeah. He's holding a child. Yeah. He's walking. Yeah. He's saving people, kids. What do you think the plot of Heart of the Desert is? Guy, I think that Heart of the Desert is the story of an American who's crashed while doing a flyover reconnaissance mission.

Trying to look at things. Oil fields. He's crashed in there. And he's ambushed. Oh, he's ambushed. On all sides. He has to improvise. It's like that movie, Black Hawk Down, which I never have seen,

nor do I really know the plot of. So Smith Garrett's character, he's got to improvise some explosives, MacGyver style, using only his wrecked reconnaissance jet. And he does it, and he manages to get out of there. And in the meanwhile, there's a young boy who helps him, because during the ambush, it looks like Smith Garrett's character is going to get killed. But a little boy throws a pebble at the soldier, who's the sniper that's going to shoot him in the face. Gives him just enough time to scurry away.

The little boy spots the sniper? Yeah, yeah. He throws a rock at his head. Gives him time to escape. He's a young boy. Is it not a good sniper? So then the soldiers who are trying to kill

Smith Garrett's character they take the boy. Smith Garrett's got to break into the compound and save him and he does. And that is the

heart of the desert. That's not a bad movie. I'd watch that one many times over this one one more time. Do you know what I mean? Does the math on that stack up?

I think I understand. I would watch Heart of the Desert as I've described it 20 times instead of watching once more Sex and the City 2. Well, the news I have for you, Tim, is that we are halfway done. Does that do much for you? Not a lot. Certainly not a lot. It doesn't feel like the horizon is any closer.

I don't want to do it anymore. You will, though. I don't know if I will, man. You will. This is the beauty of it. This is real brutal. The same reason that we're having this conversation pretty much against your will right now

is the same reason that you're not only going to watch this movie one more time, you're going to watch this movie 26 more times. This movie is going to take up another at least 60 hours of your life. See, what are you doing right now? What's all this jabber-jabber, you know? This isn't a very cool thing to say to me right now. It's not very cool at all. I know, but I mean, yeah.

I do this out of just sort of pure human interest because this is certainly, I feel this year, this is the lowest I've seen you and felt you being. And I think, you know, for the good of curiosity, it's important to see how low that feeling can go. You're like a mad scientist experimenting in your lab. Do you respect that I'm like a mad scientist or do you begrudge me for it?

I begrudge you. You're like those bad Nazi ones, not like the cool American ones. Do the Nazis have mad scientists or just... Yeah, they did a lot of really weird shit, man. I don't think we should get into that. I tell you what, the Nazis, bad people. Yep, I'll sign off on that opinion.

We'll be the ones to say it. We'll be the brave souls. Tell me about your movie watch. I don't think it sort of just jackhammered me in the face the same way i did you it was just so just like a more run-of-the-mill i couldn't dive in it's just like being it was like being at lunch with four people you just don't like and you're like well this is bad but it could be a worse circumstance

I just have to get through this lunch and then I can go home and not think about the lunch I'm looking at your eyes right now and you look like you're offended by how easy maybe I just found watching the movie. No, I'm just listening.

This is my listening face now. From now on when I listen, this is what I look like. I hope you don't carry that into the daytime because you're going to be... It's harrowing. I mean... It was upsetting but

I heard a good thing which might cheer you up which I don't know if it at the end of the movie right you know when they're having a birthday party for one of the girls at Charlotte's house and everyone's having lunch and that person pulls out a hip flask and starts going to pour it into people's drinks

but there's nothing in the hip flask. Off mic, I heard a voice exclaim, You drank it all? Which I thought was quite good fun. Okay, guy. I see. We're on different levels right now, aren't we? I just don't know what to make of it all.

Did you have any, was there any moment which you sort of enjoyed? A shining light, if you will? Um, yeah. Yeah, there was a shining light, all right, when they're at the movie premiere, I'm trying to think of which bit it is, when they're at the movie premiere, and I think it's when, uh, Miley Cyrus is on, I think it's's then There's a guy in the background

Who's making one of those faces Like You know those faces that models make Where they're either trying to look like a model Or they've possibly just farted And you can't really tell which Kind of mysterious Slightly pouty

Pursed lips A slightly confused, mysterious kind of vibe. Could go either way kind of face. He's busting out one of those, the hardest I've ever seen someone bust one of those out. Really going for it. And what did you surmise?

What did you think? I think he's fathered. Poe's or Poe? I think he's fathered at the premiere of Heart of the Desert which as we've established is a propaganda film made by a sheik trying to convince everyone

that he's an okay guy is he trying to convince everyone in the United Arab Emirates or everyone sort of you know obviously it's made for an American release in America or do you think he's shooting down the middle

and trying to satisfy both parties? And I think so maybe not. Yeah, I think everyone. I think he's getting in there. He's trying to convince the world that he's a good dude, but he's not. He's a bad man. Do you think the movie is well received?

Heart of Darkness? I mean, Desert. The Desert. Heart of Darkness was its working title. Do you know that? It's very revealing when you think about it. When you say Heart of Darkness, I just can't emphasize enough how scary your body language is.

You're just, it's just, it's Tim, he's slumped over, his head's hung low, he's got his hood up, a blue hoodie with the hood up, and it's just, he's only allowing his eyes to appear on screen. So it's just this sort of very dead, very forlorn set of eyes just peering out at me. What was your question? I don't know, man.

You're intimidating me. I don't have all of my speech. I'll put my head down. Well, now I'm just talking to a room do you want to know my shining light Tim? yeah I do it was I saw a lot of potential in the film this week when the

when the gals are just about on the on the way home and Charlotte and Samantha go up to the fake sort of watch, handbag, sunglass store, forbidden experience, it was actually the guys, the guys who run that store, for some form of spinoff maybe, just as sort of a caperish, pinging the brain type program

because the guy, so they think Samantha's stolen a handbag, but the guy who's saying, I think she stole a handbag, he's holding up the handbag that he thinks has been stolen and that's enough to trigger just absolute bedlam and panic

and they go storming out the out the store you know completely oblivious to the fact that they're already holding what they think has been stolen and then they go down and they rip samantha's burger in a part and that's sort of i mean you know this is obviously not so funny for samantha but at this point i don't really mind what's happening to our four heroes uh and i just like to see those two guys go back to the store maybe and you know obviously the the using the classic comic tropes of uh dumb and dumber or idiot and idiot sort of thing you know i think that that would uh that would be a good watch guy don't that would be a good watch I don't think my sullen

behaviour or lack of response try to convey to you that that's not a good idea because that is a good idea thank you it's a funny idea thank you very much I think I would like to see that movie or possibly a series even

with those guys I was looking at it as a sitcom maybe. We could order sort of a 13-episode first season and see how it is received. I could watch more of them for sure. They will be palatable. Yeah, the thing is, I think as I was looking at it,

Big and Carrie have these arguments, these silly little disagreements throughout the film. It's very difficult to care or get on board with anything. But I was, you know, Carrie and Big were having that classic argument about watching TV and going to movie premieres and sort of how everything is just too much of a good thing and life's a garden so

dig it and then find worms and complain about them but that's just where they live and I was thinking to myself you know what, I'm with big on this one, big is and I was thinking why i was like does that mean that i'm inherently you know a sexist pig or am i you know do i decide with big

because on gender lines and i think the answer is absolutely no it's just the overriding reason is that we have less exposition to big and accordingly there's less reason to disagree with him and so just by default just by virtue of the fact i don't know as much about this guy to know how much i don't like him so i think he must be in the right understood what you're saying right you agree with big solely because there's a lack of information so you're sort of projecting your own feelings onto that blank canvas well i just think yeah and you've seen that as an opportunity i think every character who isn't you know the lesser character is featured in this film the more likable they are i think i wouldn't like you know i'd happily watch a movie that followed the nanny erin or uh charlotte and steve's housekeeper or even brady obviously as we've discussed i mean

well you know i think you've cracked throwing away you've sort of cracked the formula of this whole project really who do we love guy we love coffee guy he's on screen for five seconds who do we love guy we love Brady we see Brady for fucking like maybe 45 seconds in total in the movie how do we not love guy we don't love Carrie because carries in every scene yeah everyone we don't see we love because it's hard to fuck something up if you don't do it no i know and to look at you the broken man before me right now i gotta you know i do you do you do make me wonder if it's worth it i can't imagine it is look what i want to do here look what I want to do

here's what I want to do I want to I want to get in that big that big old glass tower up to that 55th floor and I want to see what's going on in Mr. Big's big book of ideas I want you to tell me

the bloody story I want you to relate what's on the pages of Mr. Big's big book of ideas well mr big uh he you know he's got a lot of ideas obviously he's in financial ruin he needs one to get him get him over the line and uh out of the ground and he's pretty much been drawing up plans for a cafe or a restaurant. He's always had an eye for hospitality. He's worked on it previously.

I helped get him through college. We were studying finance at NYU. And what he's noticed is as time marches on and standards of decency and what society deems acceptable in public space is a lot of stuff is getting called out. Classy cafe, restaurant, dining establishment, sort of a balls-out sort of affair. Where sort of everything up to and inclusive of second and a half base maybe is acceptable at the restaurant. He's sort of drawing up ideas for a restaurant where handjobs, they're not on the menu, they're not on the menu but if your co-diner wants to you know if you want to give a handjob or take a handjob or

consensual obviously but you know what I'm saying sort of a sexy cafe genital stimulation it's not on the menu but it's not not on the menu that's exactly right it's sort of a speakeasy type vibe. He's got into some detail.

There's about 10 pages worth of sort of content there, including some pretty interesting and explorative diagrams. I mean, I don't know how it's going to go. Mr. Big is a, how do we say, sexual deviant. I think that's the right pronunciation. I mean, if it's not Mr. Big's jascoozies, it's a bloody handjob cafe. The man, he can't keep his mind out of the gutter. Well, and the thing is, though, I had the thought,

Mr. Big obviously had the thought, but it occurred to me, and then, I mean, there's no stronger example than when you're looking at, I mean, where do you think bloody old Dick Spurt and Samantha wouldn't mind being part of this handjob chain of cafes? They're getting in big trouble. Is he going to start in Abu Dhabi and then grow the franchise out from one of the most sexually conservative places on earth?

I think that'd be a confident move. But I mean, you know, given his track record, it wouldn't be a huge surprise to me that he'd be making that sort of wacko first step. All I want to know is how the Rat King Brady feeds into all of this. That's all I've got a hunger to know. Well, Biggs, obviously he's lost a lot of money up front and he's also lost a lot of money sort of down below.

That is to say he's taken some pretty interest-heavy loans from the people in charge of new york city uh and who should be at the top of that food chain but of course brady the rat king so in essence this handjob cafe is just an effort to get back in the good graces of brady who was frankly running things at this point this is some sort of tribute to King Brady. It's not a tribute, but it's just, I mean, he's on a wing and a prayer.

He's just hoping that he can raise enough money to avoid getting in big trouble. Man, man. Oh, that's good to see. I wasn't sure if this was recording. And the thing is, guys, if this wasn't recording,

I'd have to end my life. So I'm pretty glad to see that little file ticking over. I mean, I just cannot... I genuinely can't move past... You've got the craziest look in your eyes. You're not a well dude yeah i've seen sex in the city 226 times and it's the middle of the fucking night in the middle of the week yeah you're an interesting guy tim you've made some interesting calls certainly have

um do you do you like me i don't like anything right now do you like me? I don't like anything right now. Do you respect me? I'm not sure I... You can't respect someone until you respect yourself. And right now, I don't respect myself. I've got no respect for anything or anyone. I respect you. I respect you.

I respect you. I think I appreciate that. It's hard to tell. How long do you think it takes for Zopaclone to kick in? Because I've got a funny feeling I should take one now. You are not going to have any trouble sleeping anyway. is i know i'm sleeping on a fold out mate this is the compound are you sleeping are you sleeping in that room no although that's not a bad idea but except that it is where are you sleeping i'm sleeping on a fold out is everything okay at home oh Yep we're just you know in between houses as it were. Oh I see.

I know well that's nice. No well moving's actually a bit of a nuisance. Well that's the understatement of the century. It's like saying sex in the city too is not the greatest movie ever made. That sounds like something I would say. Guy, I got no emotions, and when I got no emotions, I can't skit. You gotta skit for me,

and you gotta skit twice as hard as you normally would. Skibidipipapa, skibidipipapa, skibidipi, skibidipoo, skidididididipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipip Skabba-da-bee, skabba-da-boo. Skiddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-l scuba-da-bo, whoa, we're back on the ground floor. Whoa, what's happening there? Scuba-da-bee, scuba-da-boo, howdy-ba-ba-ba-bo, Bo! What's he doing? Scuba-da-bo! Where's he off to?

I know you wanted me to come in there at the end with you. I saw ya. Wasn't gonna happen. What are you eating? Your mouth is chewing very slowly. Sorry, fruit tube. Everything's kind of slow right now. Yeah, you are.

Well, Tim, I don't know what you reckon. I don't know what you think about this guy, but I would love to. Well, here's the thing about coffee guy, bro. Have you noticed that he i'm sorry i'm chewing really loudly and it's a horrible thing to do on a microphone okay i always think it's funny now have you uh ever noticed in the movie that coffee guy is only in the cafe long enough to hear that the girls are definitely going to the middle east and as soon as he hears that that's all he needs he's off i put it to you guy montgomery that coffee guy has been hired by our evil friend the shake

and is working for him as a US sleeper cell agent, relaying information back to home skillet. So do you think this man has been hired to specifically follow these four heroes? Yes. It's just that simple. He would also of course be on the flight with them

on the way over. It's conceivable though his role may be limited to just making sure that they're definitely going to get on the plane to go on the trip and then just relay that information and then that's his part done. That's his part fulfilled.

But either way, he's in bed with some bad people here, guy. How did he wind up there? Family ties. Family ties. Yeah, Coffee Guy's dad was a spy. He went into the spy business. And it was a family business was it it's like spies and sons oh yeah and it's all this double agent triple agent stuff going on i am lost

if he's working still for the americans or the um whatever's it's too confusing to try and you know untangle the web he's got no sort of national allegiance he's just a terrifying free agent and he's working for the shake he's mixed up with the shake that much I do know

because why else would he be in the cafe solely for the amount of time it takes for them to confidently announce that they're going to the Middle East and then he leaves immediately after that news is confirmed? I don't have any answers.

You're a smart guy, Tim. Thank you. It's true. And I think what would probably be for the best you know with regards to your current physiological psychological just general

situation might be to put a pin in this one now listen listen listen here's the important thing if I have not

succumbed to my own demise and I'm continuing to decal my kneecap every day week or do you do it on a day by day basis minute by minute mate I'm constantly decaling my neck up

in my head my point is we're going to Los Angeles and you should watch it either live or on a a web ticket an online ticket because it's $25 but it's only $20 to watch the whole event unfold

before your very computer eyes if you use the code which is worst. And the website is lapodfest.com and it's a great festival and we're going to have fun. You could not have said that last part with less conviction but I truly believe in what you're saying and to let me be on the record

of saying it's been a real joy seeing you not just in general but specifically like this I have taken a real demented pleasure in speaking with you this day you're a sadist you're a good guy

you're a good guy who's just been mixed up in some bad stuff. I'm a coffee guy. We're a real coffee guy, if you think about it. I'm not going to. Okay. Well, I'm going to see what this Zoppa clone does. So I'll catch you next time.

You will be asleep within seconds, four days. That's not good. That's not what we need in this situation. Catch you on the flip side, Mundingo.