The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Twenty Three - McMillian

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

SPONSORED BY AUDIBLE.COMRecorded at the Now Hear This festival in Anaheim, California - the boiz are joined by actor, funny human and dreamer of dreams Michael McMillian. After the best laid plan of the boiz to watch the film early in the morning with their guest go awry, a new plan is laid down to haul their hungover guest host across and coals and have him watch the film while Timbo and Flash talk through their 23rd viewing. There's highs, there's lows and you better believe there's threats involving The Knife.Trailer: Walk Out Boys Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Twitter at Little Empire Pod. Are you going to play that dastardly intro again? Try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Ow! This movie's still fine. This is a co-ed pastor. One of them dies, that guy's a squirrel. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay.

One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. Agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. My name is Spindly Timbly Wimbley. My name is Guy Montgomery, and welcome along to The Worst Idea, episode 23. This will be our 23rd review of the Zac Efron vehicle, We Are Your Friends.

Maximum Joseph's Magnum Opus, as I'm sure you're all familiar with. We're coming to you live from the Now Hear This Festival here in Anaheim, California. Couldn't be happier to be here in a room with real people where you've turned up. You've gone and done it again. We're always shocked by this, that people are out there listening, and then sometimes we get that proven to us in the flesh so make some noise for yourselves to prove you're real fantastic good job okay let's get the admin out of the way first some shits been going on this morning I tell you that for free oh by the way we're here at the Loot Crate stage so shout out to Loot Crate Loot Crate a brand or product

no Loot Crate are great they're like they give you geek stuff they deliver it to your door a different thing each month right a brand we are intimately familiar with

and are very pleased to be endorsing so big shout out to Loot Crate Loot Crate dot com put in the code worst idea

and nothing will happen yeah yeah they got on board with us from day one. In the same way a lot of sponsors did by ignoring us. But yeah, it's a real joy to be here on the Loot Crate stage. You'll notice that we've got a special guest for the recording today. Hello. You will speak when spoken to, young man.

Sorry. This is Michael McMillionaire, everybody. Give him a big round of applause. From TV. this is Michael McMillion here everybody give him a big round of applause from TV literally when you did that and everybody clapped oh and then when you did that somebody shushed me on the in the movie

but everybody flipped me off when they clapped it's going to be tough for you to be a functional member of the podcast because your job right now is to watch the goddamn movie. All right. Here's the situation, folks. Michael is a fabulous talent of the screen. You might have seen him on True Blood.

Maybe you've seen him on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Maybe you saw him with Amanda Bynes back in the day. On a television show called What I Like About You. Yeah, one fan in the house. Amanda Bynes back in the day. On a television show called What I Like About You. Yeah. One fan in the house. Amanda Bynes is there. That's great. Look, everyone's celebrating

in the movie too. I'm glad you made it out. Seriously. It's a non-visual product. Look, fireworks. Michael, stop. Michael, stop. And also you're yelling

because your headphones are... Here's... I think that's just my normal speaking voice. Michael was very excited about the fact that we were coming to America and he got in touch and he was like, hey, I'd love to join you boys for a watch.

We were like, we would love to have you. We're going to be in Anaheim. Do you want to come out with us to this festival? We'll watch the movie. We'll do the podcast. It'll be great. Michael said, that's great. It was all great.

And then yesterday, young Michael got a little carried away on the open bar all I know is that Starly Kind loves to fucking party yeah Michael brought all of his enthusiasm in spades

and he poured all of it into the night time which meant that the 8am screening of We Are Your Friends happening in room 719 did not involve Michael McMillionaire being

in the room. I tried to argue to watch the movie last night and you said no. Yeah, we were tired. You look like hell. I'm actually wearing a Mack Weldon hoodie right now. That's the most embarrassing thing. It's the wrong stage for that plug, dude. You gotta get your shit together.

This is a Loot Crate hoodie. He was embarrassed to be wearing it. Take that back. So you're pleased to be in the sweatshirt? Oh, wait. The guy from... No, no, no. You've confused your role, okay? You are here to watch the movie in silence. We agree.

We address you by name. You may respond. Silence! I didn't know Shane from The Walking Dead and the Punisher from Daredevil was in this movie. There's going to be a lot of observations like that. We're going to take your mic off you, Michael. We would have loved to talk about all of these thoughts with you.

Michael slipped through the pre-organised screening of We Are Your Friends. He felt very sorry for it and so as penance he is watching the film while we are doing the podcast. The film's runtime is longer than the amount of stage time we have been provided with. Are you trying to turn the volume up? What are you doing?

Yeah, I got it. Okay. I also feel like I'm your personal squirrel in this situation. Yeah, that's kind of true. That is a very good analogy. Oh, you've got some magic. Oh, wait, no, you listen to the podcast. You know what's coming.

Okay, I'm putting my headphones back into watching michael mcmillan everybody everybody microphone down millionaire so uh tim and i this morning watched the movie for the for the 23rd time as planned it is not first of all what we already know is it is not a movie to watch late at night yeah we can now confirm it is not a movie to watch late at night. We can now confirm it is not a movie to get out of bed for. This is a movie best consumed by accident, I would say. I would say of all the times that we try to tackle it,

mid-morning is the best because then it's done. It's not so early that it's jarring like it was this morning. But usually when we watch it, I feel like it's usually about 11am we watch it, we get a coffee wash it out of our system sort of thing. You can build a day around it so you can still enjoy, you know, you can do your thing in the morning, do your emails. I mean you email

all the time, I'll bet. Don't tell me about it but I know for a fact you email. Don't you lie to me, motherfucker. I've seen your emails. You know, watch the movie. I haven't seen your emails. But I trust you do it. Watch the movie, do the podcast, and then you've got a whole

afternoon to look forward to. That's a whole day. This is what you want to do, ideally. So this morning, it was interesting. I feel like today I enjoyed it a lot more than I have recently, and that might be something to do with the fact that our two most recent viewings happened at 120% of the normal speed of the film, followed up by one at 80% the normal speed of the film,

which creates a horrible feeling. Yeah. I don't know how else to put that. Like a sick feeling. Yeah. Because the movie is essentially one long video clip. And so they've probably got the mix in terms of the speed at which the music plays. I'd imagine they got that about bang on.

So when you mess with that, it messes with the whole je ne sais quoi of the film. The whole you don't know what to say? Yeah, exactly. You can say soundtrack. That's what it is. Okay. It's not a je ne sais quoi. That's true.

We were just describing it. Yeah. So yeah, it was enjoyable at 100% of the intended speed. But also just like, I don't know, we've been in America for a couple of weeks now and I feel like we've really been burning through this country, doing a lot of stuff. We saw Adam Sandler do stand-up comedy the other night.

That was amazing. And I mean that in the truest sense of the word. Like, it is amazing that we are sitting here watching Adam Sandler do stand-up. It was amazing. Yeah, and it was also, you know, beyond being amazing as an accomplishment for us, it was actually really enjoyable.

The guys got chops. I'm picking big things for this young kid called Adam Sandler. Keep an eye on him. Yeah. The media will probably build him up, and then two assholes from New Zealand will tear him down. I'm sure it will really take away from all his success. He was good. He was rusty, because he obviously...

It must be difficult for Adam Sandler to perform stand-up comedy. Yeah. Like his audience is 14-year-olds who watch him in movies. They don't go to live comedy shows. Yeah. Yeah, we don't need to talk about it too much, I think. I think he was there to try some new stuff, you know, shake off some of the rust.

And he did great. I liked the set. It was cool. It was great. But it was just so weird. It was just like, fuck, that's the dude. That's the guy. It was cool. It was great. But it was just so weird. Just like, fuck, that's the dude. That's the guy. It's Lenny Fader, bro.

He's right. I could have reached out and touched him. You would have been arrested. I would have, absolutely. I often think about that. I'm like, we could just get up on stage and say, hey, Adam, we're big fans of your work. Can we get a quick photo?

But that is illegal. But the part of my brain which knows that's illegal is almost on balance with the part of my brain which thinks that's illegal is almost on balance with the part of my brain which thinks that's okay to do. And so it's this constant tug of war. You alright, Tim? I always forget this. The word illegal jogs my memory that I brought the other co-host.

Guys, is it okay that I already have a shining moment? No, it's not okay. Put the microphone back down. Alright, sorry. Pretty simple instructions, Michael. I would like to welcome our fourth co-host to the microphone back down. All right. Sorry. Pretty simple instructions, Michael. I would like to welcome our fourth co-host to the episode. The knife is here. Just to add an element of jeopardy to Michael's precarious position. If things get out of hand, you don't want to be talking to this co-host.

Okay? He's jagged. He's sharp. I picture the knife being like a big buoy knife. How would you describe it? That's like a pocket knife. Yeah, it's bigger than a pocket, but that's a pocket knife.

It's not a pocket knife. A pocket knife has bells and whistles. It's got a toothpick, tweezers, a corkscrew, scissors. This is just a knife with a serrated edge.

The way you're holding it right now makes me understand that oh, that's a knife. I've flicked it out. Michael's worried now. I've got to tell you, Tim. The first time you brought out the knife on the podcast, for those of you who aren't familiar with the podcast,

Tim has been brandishing a knife on about probably initially 10% of episodes per season. I'd say he's pushing that up to 20. And not once have I seen him do anything threatening with the knife or actually follow through I seen him do anything threatening with the knife or actually follow through on the promise of cutting anyone with the knife. Yeah, but it's like... You're the boy who cried knife to him.

I'm not afraid anymore. What would you prefer? That I had lightly stabbed you once or twice so you got the idea of what the knife does? Yeah, it's bat's knife. You've got to fucking use it. The whole idea of the knife is that it is a threat unto itself. It's like an atomic bomb it's just having it that cloud is just looming over the whole show at one point you got

a hold of the knife and i got very worried and it really changed the power dynamic and in this relationship and i was not comfortable with it and so instead of using a bit of empathy to be like maybe i should disarm do a bit of nuclear disarmament and just get rid of the knife it was like no i need to get the knife back off of guy and be the only one who has it well i'll tell you why you were uneasy because i was practicing my stabbing motions you were tell you why i was practicing my stabbing motions because it's about goddamn time in this podcast someone used that goddamn knife travel all the way to america with a knife and then not use it it's embarrassing these people are laughing at you tim this is embarrassing what i was saying earlier is that um so we've

been hit in america and america has hit back a couple of times and uh like watching the movie this morning first thing when we woke up it was like i don't know i see you checking in with me guy yeah see where i'm at oh first of all uh i never knew that uh i didn't i didn't talk to you first thing when we woke up. It was like, I don't know. I see you checking in with me, guy. Yeah. See where I'm at. First of all, I never knew that... No, I didn't talk to you. I was just checking in. No, he's in.

He's been good. He did say good scene. American beauty guy, Wes Bentley. James Reid of the Feelers? Yes. Why is he waving the record around? It's a popular dance move in the clubs. It is, right?

They always stop all the music and then wave a record in silence. Literally, at one point, they cut to him, and he's just waving a record. Like, look what I'm playing. It's while he's DJing, man. It's not my shining moment. That was not my shining moment. Okay. Okay.

Bye, guys. Good interlude. You are glowing with sweat, by the way. Oh, that's just my naturally oily skin. It's glistening. It's not worth finishing the thought, but what I wanted to say is that it was relaxing and nice. What's that?

Watching the movie. This morning? Yeah. Also, tonight was the first night pretty much since we landed in America that last night, sorry, that Tim and I got separate beds, which made for a real glamorous sleep, I can tell you that. It was. We were talking about this over breakfast.

I was like, have we normalized the fact that we've been sharing a bed like too quickly? No. Like, is it just... You can't normalize. It's necessary, and therefore you don't think about it. I know, but we don't think about it enough, I think. I think there should be more psychic barrier.

We don't even think. We just jump into bed together without a second thought or a care in the world. I think we should be taking things a little slower. I disagree. The walls are coming tumbling down. Two mornings ago, I woke up. Tim was already up.

He was sitting on the bed. He just shouted. I patted his little bottom five times. I went like this. And then I said, call me Candice. And he kept it up all day. Whenever I would introduce him or talk to him and mention the name Guy, he would say, my name isn't Guy, it's Candice, and you know that.

It got real freaky. And then the next morning I woke up and started talking like this and accused him of fucking my wife, Candice. No consideration for what's actually happening outside of it. It's just what we need to do to get through the morning. There's kind of an aspect where, because of what's happening to Guy at the moment,

we need to get home, and we need to get home pretty quickly to New Zealand. And watching this morning just kind of made me feel a little bit safer, a little more at home, because it was kind of familiar territory. I wasn't dealing with Candice or Candice's husband or you in a bed. I was in my own bed,

and I was watching that movie that we see often when we're in a safe environment. It's very funny to me that you would recall the environment in which we watch the movie safe I would describe it as volatile and like really mentally unstable that hotel room no like the mental space we occupy when we watch the movie but look we're broken now it's happened you know what I mean it's like it's done we can't break twice. That's not a saying. I just made it up. But it's true. What if you break a vase and it's just one big crack and you glue it back together?

It looks pretty good by all appearances. If you pick it up and ran your fingers across it, you'd know it'd been broken before. But if you look at it, you'd be like, wow, that vase is in perfect condition. And then someone knocks it over and it breaks again. What's happened then, Tim? Well, the first thing is... Have I just shat on your broken vase of a metaphor? I've lost where your metaphor went in terms of linking back to me.

Well, you said you can't break a vase twice. I got you on that, bro. I hear that. But what is the human equivalent of gluing a vase back together? Is it just like hanging on? Is it someone hanging on? No, I'm in the weeds of the film and now of the

metaphors that we're trying to spin this is a disaster let me um i took some notes because normally we jump on the mic straight after we watch but today uh there's been a little bit of lag time because we had breakfast in between i've got a bad memory so um i want to bring up the fact that uh first of all we'll go chronologically jahhead has some sort of magical ability, like Cable from X-Men. I think this is his ability to fix things real quick. Do we have any X-Men fans in the house? Also...

That's Cable's thing, right? He's able to invent stuff and... Oh, that's Forge. Fuck, it is too. And Forge is the dude who looks like Cyclops a bit, eh? Is this his brother or something? I'll let you win on this one. Forge is the guy who looks like Doctor Strange with a ponytail

and Native American boots. And what is his power? His power is he can build anything. Yeah. He can make anything. He's like a techno wizard. Like a techno genius. Yeah.

Jar had the guy who's bald and shirtless this whole time? You got it. Man, he's already my favorite character. Also, you never talked about how much this movie glorifies PCP use. We've mentioned it once or twice. I mean, I don't know. Doesn't PCP look like a warm cartoon hug? It does.

It's awesome. Paintings melt and then they animate you. Michael's having a good time. I love this movie. This literally started off as the worst day of my life and now I feel really good. He's heading back in.

This is the thing. This is exactly the environment that you want to watch the movie in by accident. He's heading back in. This is the thing. This is exactly the environment that you want to watch the movie in by accident. Like he sort of missed the planned screening. Yeah. He is seriously

in the pocket right now. Yeah. It was literally the worst idea of all time and now it's the best thing that ever happened to me. So after Michael called us

to apologize for missing the screening he said, don't worry, I'll come down join you for some breakfast. Great spread put on here at now hey this by the way beautiful buffet i will talk a lot of shit about this festival that's to come but the spread was excellent hell of a spread tabasco next the eggs it's so simple but you did it right i appreciate that can we talk about can we talk about already the fact that Zac Efron spends all of this movie wearing a band-aid on his forehead

just because a scene in a montage early on showed him that he was bleeding out of his head for some reason? He had got in a fight with the kids from Kamuga Park. But that's a lot of work to do. It's not a band-aid. What they would have done, they just would have shaved a little bit of his eyebrows. It's supposed to be like a stitch. There was a very successful rugby player in New Zealand called Jonah Lomu who played wing,

which is number 11 on your jersey. And he did a cool thing where he shaved an 11 into his eyebrow, presumably in case he forgot his position when he was looking in the mirror. But what happened is a lot of teenagers, like, you know, people like myself, white, thin, 13-year-old teenagers were walking around

with 11s shaved into their invisible eyebrows it was uh not an anecdote worth mentioning i i literally started putting my earbud back into my ear while you're saying that it's so unfair i had an uber driver do that to me once i was on the way to a comedy show i was like all right better warm up i'll. I'll have some light banter with the Uber driver. And after about a minute he was like, nope.

I was like, you know you're being reviewed for this. How badly am I boring you? That is brazen. Fucking brazen. Smash the gig though.

Jahid is on a phone call that he's got on a speakerphone at the very start of the film and then he sees his phone's that he's got on a speakerphone at the very start of the film, and then he sees his phone's broken. The guy on the other end of the conversation says,

am I on speakerphone? He says, yeah, my phone's broken. And then, immediately after that, he's in the kitchen, and he's got the phone up to his ear. He's fixed it, a la Forge. All the things I'm saying are taking a really long time to get to no payoff. No, I think it's good. This is what happens when you get into the 20s.

You know this, Tim. We're in the middle of the woods now. You know, you can't see the forest from the trees. We don't know what's of any value. The thing is that if he does have these skills to fix things really quickly, his dad has complained 22 times in a row now that he has not finished the roof or fixed the toilet.

And that frustration, while it's always been warranted, is now compounded by the fact that we know he's telling someone who has the skills to do these jobs hyper abilities immediately. How fucking lazy are you if you have hyper abilities and you still don't fix the toilet? This is the thing though,

and this is bigger than Jahe, this is the issue with immortality, is it saps your motivation to do anything. You think he's immortal? Are the X-Men immortal? No. Can they die?

Yeah, dude. Weak. I would have made them immortal. But if you're immortal or if you can live for long... I would have made them immortal. Yeah, if I'd written it. It's bad storytelling. I'm glad you didn't write them. What's wrong with making them immortal?

Well, then what are the stakes? If you can't kill something, then what are we all fucking doing here? It's just a bunch of gods hanging out. Yeah, sounds awesome. Idiot. That does sound awesome. But you know, you're right. The counterpoint of that is that if you get a lot...

This is why gods retire from the public eye. Because eventually they get bored of dealing with mortals. And they're like, well, there's really nothing left to do. We've got forever to chill. Yeah. That's a fact. All the gods are real. They just piss off.

Yeah, they're all hanging out together now. Oh, you're up to the page sequence. This is a fucking... In my life. Cracking sequence. I do not rely on anything that is not concrete. This is giving me an erection. It's a good pep talk, eh?

Oh, Guy and I, here in Los Angeles. Is this Los Angeles? Some people said yes, so I don't feel as bad as I maybe should have. Some people said yes, so I don't feel as bad as I maybe should have. We went to see a movie to kind of like just, you know, wash ourselves clean of the We Are Your Friends dirt. And we went to a current pitcher called The Accountant. And boy, were we surprised to see Paige pop up in the movie.

And his career has taken the fuck off you guys. He's taken all the things that he learned in We Are Your Friends which is how to run a very complicated concrete empire built on a diamond mine constructed on top of a property fraud pyramid scheme. He's taken

those lessons and now he has formed his own private security agency where he's basically like a gunslinger for hire yeah and it's fucking cool and i have a funny feeling that if you watch the accountant it perfectly matches up so like it is a seamless transition into that universe where page has walked out of the final frame of we are your friends and into the first frame of The Accountant. And he's got like an assumed identity now because he's trying to get away with all that property fraud.

That dovetails perfectly with the theory that We Are Your Friends is purely a long-release trailer leading into the release of Baywatch Summer 2017 starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Zac Efron. Hashtag watch your bays. The entire movie is just like a rampant for the respective actors' different vehicles in the next project. Oh, so it's like, whoa, okay, this is a multiverse trailer. Yeah.

Dope. Love that, bro. What's Jarhead done after this? That's what I want to know. What is this the trailer of that he was in after this? Michael is shaking his head at a ladies rump, by the way. Oh, you got some good stuff coming, baby.

This is the explanation of Zicoli letting us all know how genres of music work through BPM. It's a good scene. You were going to say something? Yeah, I was just shaking my head because the way it was shot was just like it wasn't so much an attractive,

I mean, it is an attractive ladies' romp, but it was just like, wait, there's a butt in my face all of a sudden, and I didn't ask for this. Can I just say? You've got your boner tilting the screen as close to your face as possible. I'm really enjoying the disdain and disrespect

that we're treating Michael with, because if he had gotten up at the right time, I would be treating him with a lot more reverence and yeah you gave us a talk last night about how we shouldn't get too showbiz no no no no I think you misinterpreted that pep talk what was the meaning of the pep talk it was about how customers are gold star realty solutions deck full of diamonds solutions are your friends and that you should treat them as your friends not as uh you know like whatever i feel like you've reappropriated your anecdote from last night to fit this are you talking about uh the one, I'll talk about this. Oh.

Both headphones are out now, just for the podcast listeners. Are you talking about how you were mad at watching the movie? And I said, here's the thing. I was like, when are we watching the movie? And Guy looked at me as if I just threatened all of his loved ones. And I said, wait, why is he so mad? And Tim was like, sometimes guys down and I'm up, and sometimes I'm down and guys up.

That's all Tim said. And then I went, don't be mad at the movie. You watching the movie is the whole reason you're here and the whole reason we're together and tim really liked that and he got it and i'm just saying don't be such a asshole about the movie because it's given you many gifts yeah it has given me all sorts of gifts no what was happening last night michael i'll defend guy if he won't do it himself fair enough as you kept going why are you so going, why are you so angry, Guy? Why are you so angry, bro?

We're like just driven into Anaheim. The dude was just like having a drink at the bar. We're all just, you know, relaxing and stuff. And it's a very hard question to worm your way out of. Because if you say, I'm not fucking angry, dude, then guess what? You're the angriest person there. Yeah. And then if you say,

hey, I'm really not angry, they go, well, why are you being so defensive about it? There is literally no right answer to that accusation. It was a trap. It was powerful. But yeah, no, I think, I just feel like you were railing on me so hard for not being able to watch the movie, and then you completely botched it yourself.

And this is why we get to treat you with disrespect in a room full of people now. Because you're a little pig dog, Michael. Yeah, you're a little pig dog. We'll treat you like a little pig dog. For a movie that has no subtitles, there's a lot of text on the screen in this film. That's a pretty astute observation for a little pig dog.

You put your headphones back in. Thanks. Hi guys, I'm sorry I'm part of this podcast today. No, you're doing great. Everyone's really into it. This movie's still fine. We interrupt this episode of The Worst Idea of All Time live, recorded at Now Hear This Festival in Anaheim, California,

to bring you an ad recorded not live in a studio in Auckland, New Zealand. Hello and welcome. I am Tim Batt. And I'm Guy Montgomery. I would argue that this is live as of right now but when you hear it, of course,

I have always struggled with this and it's not the time to bring it up because we are with the big boys. We're swimming in the big pool. We've taken off our life preservers. Guess who sponsors this shit?

Audible.com That's A-U-D-I-B-L Guess who sponsors this shit? Audible.com. That's A-U-D-I-B-L-E.com. What is Audible, though? Well, let me tell you, Tim. You know books, right? Yeah. You know the worst part about books is the actual physical act of reading them? Fucking hair hair.

Do they let me swear? Maybe I'll bleep that one because it's an ad. Maybe I won't. You definitely will, and I respect that you have. Yeah, so pretty much they've taken the worst part of reading away audible is uh it's a platform where you get audio books you get all sorts of different audio content and you can listen to it in the voice that it's intended to be heard last week i was talking about alan partridge reading out i alan we need to talk about Partridge I cannot describe a more satisfying oral experience than what has happened between last week and this week where and I've

actually listened to that have you yes the annoying bit about reading a book is that the voice you're reading it in is your own dumb voice exactly but what audible have gone did has gotten the most fantastic voices in the business to be your inner monologue consuming that book they have fixed it all right they really have fixed they've taken your imagination and they've made it better you're welcome everybody if this sounds like something you're interested in guess what you can get a 30-day free trial and a free audiobook if you visit audible.com forward slash try now that's audible.com forward slash try now, that's audible.com forward slash try now. Audible, spelled in the traditional fashion, A-U-D-I-B-L-E.

Now back to the show. This movie's still fine. I can't even make sense of the notes I've written down. I've got a thread I'd like to discuss, and that is we've spoken about it before, the absolute disaster zone of a song that Ziccoli, so we literally see Ziccoli working towards one thing throughout the whole movie,

and this is his idea of how becoming a DJ works, is that you get one song, right? You come up with one song, that's all. No one needs albums now. No one needs two songs or B-sides. No one needs two songs. Everyone just needs one song. You don't need two songs. You need songs you need everyone just needs one song you

don't need two songs you need one song one song and that's he's obsessed with this idea and also they call themselves his friends but no one corrects this problem everyone's like yeah sure as a caller you just cope because he's so bad at making music they're like just go into your room fuck around with your garage band yeah equalize everything on the song and he keeps working and working on it and you see it throughout the, and he keeps working and working on it. And you see it throughout the whole movie. He's working and working and working on it. And what he's doing is a classic example of working hard, not smart.

Because it doesn't matter how many hours he puts into this song, it's a shitter. It's a dud. And one of these purported friends needs to go out there and tell him, because otherwise he's going to embarrass himself in a garage at the very end of the movie

in front of thousands of... The subtitle of this movie could be We we are your friends, turd polisher. Right? That's what he's attempting to do through the entire film. He's trying to polish a turd. Yeah. And his friends aren't telling him anything. Yeah. And so he just keeps going and going. And it's so frustrating to see because you're like, no,

the issue isn't that the song isn't working. It's like the issue isn't that you need to keep making the song better. It's that you need to stop working on this song you need to acknowledge that not everything you create is going to be good and put it to one side and start working on something new and he doesn't it's like you know you see stand-up comedians who've been doing the same jokes for five years and you're like it doesn't matter how many ways you change the way you say that joke you need to put it just put it to the side that's right and he's doing this and he's doing it week after week and it's driving me fucking insane i want to introduce an element to the room okay you look so worried i've never seen you look so worried what's going to happen from here on in

is the first person who leaves from here on in, because we can see everyone because the room is so well lit, the podcast episode will end. No. And we'll do a Q&A from there on in. No. But the first person to leave ushers in the end of the episode or when we decide to end the episode, which ever happens first. What sort of crazy hostage situation are you...

There's a terrible element to introduce. No, I really like it. People are free to come and go. Wait, this guy is literally running away. It's Patrick. He works here. He's like, oh, I'm going to be here all day. I got to go now.

That's fucking ridiculous. People are free to come and go as they please. I don't know. Let me ask the fourth co-host. What do you think, knife? Wait, I got a question. Ah, I see what you're doing. The lights have come down and the knife's come, Knife? I got a question. Ah, I see what you've done. The lights have come down and the knife's come out.

Wait, I got a question. Matt Fappati. Did James read from the feelers just show Zach Zaccoli a bomb? No, it's a Buccalow. It's a Wurlitzer. That's a bomb.

It looks like a bomb, but as they'll tell you, David Bowie used one of those in Space Lodity. It's one of the cool hip lines of dialogue in the film inserted by Maximum Joseph. It's a fucking disaster. Wait a minute. I got a question for you. Does this count as your next viewing of the movie?

No. No. There are various strict rules. It still surprises me like you know walking around meeting new people and you explain what the podcast concept is

here at the festival and people going like do you really watch it each time and even people who have followed through with listening to it we fucking do

guys we watch it every single time it's not an intelligent podcast but it is a podcast loaded with integrity so not every episode is good

but every episode is real it is authentic uh well to try and bring up the tone because i feel like we're really down in the muck in the mire right now i would like to to bring to you my shining light uh it sounds like you're referring to me as your shining light, and I really like that. Nope. The shining light of the movie for me this week was a fantastic bit of acting by Wes Bentley, a.k.a. James Reid from The Feelers. Yes.

So he's not even borderline alcoholic. The guy's got a fully-fledged drinking problem in this movie, and they always allude to the dark side. It's like the PCP. It's always like, oh, he likes to to drink and while you probably know that's bad we're not going to show you all of the ill effects of it because then it wouldn't be glamorizing drinking and we wouldn't be making this cool party movie you're making a mess of my laptop there michael no i just i i wanted to instantly replace a moment where jarhead said something about Hillary Clinton and then bro

and tackled the guy and they fell into a pool together. If you need a replay, just ask Guy and I. We know the whole movie. Can you play that? So what happens is... He said,

I'm going in for Hillary Clinton, bro. No, no, no. Jarhead comes into a situation where a man is chatting up a woman at the party by the pool and he inserts himself out of nowhere and says, you want to know

a fun fact? The best sushi in the world, in the whole western hemisphere, is here in the valley at a strip mall. No, it's not here. It's because they're not in the valley. It's in the San Fernando Valley. Don't undercut the promise that I just made to Michael. Rightfully,

the guy says back to him, does this lady look like she eats in the valley? Like, oh, get that up your valley, people. And he says, have a sense of humor, bro. And then Jahid goes, oh, I've got a sense of humor, bro. You want to know something funny? You're dressed like Hillary Clinton, bro. And then spear tackles him into the pool.

That is a real funny zinger. No, but it's wrong. The guy's wearing a jacket and board shorts. Who have you ever seen? That's how you get votes, by the way. If Hillary Clinton could come out in these final dying days before the election with some boardies,

fucking bam, you got that beach vote now. That's an important vote. That's right, Malibu, a well-known swing city. Both politically and it's great for fucking. So the shining light that I have is they don't really show the ill effects of drinking too much, but in one scene, James Reed has fallen asleep

in all of his clothes, and he's holding a cup of whiskey up. So it's quite precarious. You know, if he spills it, he's going to spill it all over the sheets they're going to have to clean the sheets

but he hasn't and Somaly his girlfriend and the romantic interest of Zicoli comes into the room and she says oh babe

and takes the glass like oh no you've fallen asleep in all your clothes and he does the best he goes I just had

I just had a little nap and that was bad what I did was bad but the way he does it is good. Yeah. Because he genuinely, you know that little, you know when you're missing your voice when you wake up?

Is this it? Dude, you're watching it. I told you everything that's happening in this room is happening on the screen at the same time. This movie is a magical experience. Less than an hour ago, I was naked on a bathroom floor crying and texting these guys that I cannot make it to the ballroom. In fact, let's revisit those texts. They're not as damning as I would like. Here's the sequence.

All caps. Time coded as well please all caps so last night this is the point at which Guy and I went to

if anyone wants to leave the room by the way I relinquished my earlier role that was I feel like people were probably

going to keep doing whatever they wanted anyway that's good so I said to confirm we said it verbally but I was like

Michael looks like he's maybe going to approach the bar I'll get it in writing I said room 7.19 8am Americano times 2 We said it verbally, but I was like, Michael looks like he's maybe going to approach the bar. I'll get it in writing. I said, room 719 at a.m. Americano times two, that is all, because he offered to get us coffees,

which was very generous and a very empty promise. Coffees and croissants at 7 a.m. So he replies instantly to that message with, and croissants, because you rightly said croissants as well. And then at 2.35am, simply the message, you fuckers. 2.38am, so do I have to be there for soundcheck? 2.39am, ignore this. And then at 9.51, all in caps, oh no, I overslept and my alarm didn't go off this is the real worst case scenario

followed by a screenshot of his alarms followed by which could be doctored which could easily be doctored I'm gonna be honest I turned the alarm back on before I took a screenshot of course you fucking did

I like that it's meant to be a reveal. Like we didn't already guess you fucking did that. That was a real forage. I was like, I know how to fix this alone. It's seven minutes after 10am in normal caps.

Tim, I am so sorry. So that was where the contrition started kicking in. That's why he is in the situation he's currently in. Man, I'm telling you, I'm so happy right now. That's good, man. You can just pop that keyboard off as well. It seems like it's giving you some real trouble. Just rip it off.

It just comes right off. There you go. Technology. So I guess I should. There you go. Technology. So, I guess I should throw my shining light in there. And guess what? I didn't have one before, but here it is right now coming to you and all of you here in the room

and also the people listening on the internet. I have a shining moment. Okay, thank you, Michael. No. No no this has all gone wrong no you're talking out of order and you're bailing out tim say something you enjoyed anything um i wouldn't normally dip into this well but during the scene where zicoli is djing at the pool party for James Reid of The Feelers and Somerly comes up to him and gives him his paycheck,

she's got really pretty hair in that scene. You have mentioned that before. Really pretty hair. So your shining light is her hair in the one scene? Yeah. It's getting down to the minutia of the film. I didn't want to do that. My shining moment is towards thee of the film. I didn't want to do that. My shining moment is towards the beginning of the film

when Zuccoli... You're not even halfway through. I don't need to be halfway through to have my shining moment. He playfully threatens Jarhead. It's called a shining light. Shining moment light. He playfully... Guys, I might still be drunk.

I'm just telling you right now. He playfully threatens his friend with a nail gun on a roof. Yeah, dude. We just breezed past that moment. Someone really could have gotten hurt, but I knew then that that was my shining light. That is a good shining light. What happens when more people come in the room?

Do we have to start the podcast over? They each add five minutes. I don't like that. So I think now it is time to... Three, four... Getting sentimental with James Reid. Oh, yeah, I love it. When you touch me with your fingertips.

Little spindly fingers. Those thin little fingers running up my ears. Getting all in there in that little air hole of yours. That cute little air hole. Clean out my air wax with your little fingers. Don't mind if I do it. It glistens. Oh, when I touch it, it's so squishy.

Yeah. Now, wash your hands, you pig. I will. I'll get all clean for you. Thank you. So, at one point in the movie, James Reid from The Feelers, Ziccoli's mentor, the captain of the DJ team in the film, he comes out and he says

to Zicoli, he says I may have gone a little sentimental and he gives him a box. Really, it's a self-serving gift. Yeah, he says it's actually a self-serving gift, but he gives him a MacBook Pro box and each week we speculate as to how his sentimentality

has influenced the gift that he is giving Ziccoli. So each week, you know, it's a different gift. What's been your favorite one? Can you remember any? I think I quite enjoyed it when you tried to suggest he gave him a retractable samurai sword. Oh, yeah.

That's right. I forgot about that one. For how highly impractical. Like a telescopic sword. Yeah. My favorite one was when we had Alice Need needon from bonus of the hard-on and she was just like instantly she's like dead animal like we sort of explained the concept of what the segment was she was like yep dead animal we're like fuck all right yeah that was cool she's a

gem that alice i'd like to tell you what i think is in the in the box this week tim i would love to hear and it's both sentimental uh and self-serving in equal parts because contained within the MacBook Pro box is some leftover Chinese food. Chickadee China, the Chinese chicken? Yeah, and also a Barenaked Ladies MP3. Brand stuff. Yes!

Of the greatest hits. So he gives them the Chinese food because him and Somaly went out for dinner the night before and they ordered too much because they always

order too much because money is not a problem for these people and they're like do you know what we'll do we'll get it all in the takeout boxes that they give you

I also get this I'm sorry to interrupt you but I get the sense that these are two people who don't eat a lot either because I think James Reid really fills up on booze and Somaly is

sort of looking after that trim figure of his so they don't eat a lot either because I think James Reid really fills up on booze and Somali is sort of looking after that trim figure of hers. So they don't strike me as very gluttonous sushi consumers. That's not Chinese food. No. I'd imagine they'd be very gluttonous when it comes to the sushi table because it's a healthy snack.

Sort of. You've got all this Chinese food. All this Chinese food. They got it at home in the regular takeout boxes. They get home, and they're a little drunk, and they're a little giggly. And he's like, you know what would be a real good lark, a real laugh, a great way to wind up, my friend and yours, Zicoli, is if we took all of this Chinese food. Yeah. And for no real reason, a Barenaked Ladies MP3. Yeah.

And we put it inside that brand new MacBook Pro box I've got lying around the house and we give it to him and he'll think, he's definitely going to think it's a MacBook Pro, but it's just going to be some stinky Chinese food. And a mini disc. Yeah, and a mini disc. I really want that to be the delivery format of that MP3. Without a player.

Yeah, just a mini... God help you trying to find a mini disc player with a post-it note on it saying to him this is what your

song needs and he's like what the fuck am I meant to listen to that's so good fuck I love that nice one bro yeah

well it's also it's self-serving in that the Chinese food was taking up all the room in the fridge cause they've always got a fridge full of condiments and leftovers you know you know how it is when's the last time you ate all the food all the food

in your fridge um off oh not all of it i i'm pretty good i don't really go for a shop until i've opened the fridge and been like okay what conceivable food stuff could I construct from these ingredients? And it'll be like a lettuce that is rotten to the core and a potato and like a cagey of mints. That's generally the sort of that's what I'm dealing with. And then you think I'll go for a trip to the shops? No, I will cook that.

I'll cook that. I'll turn it into something. What do you call that dish? I don't have a name for it per se. Tim's meaty surprise. The surprise is there's a little bit of lettuce in there. You can barely taste it. That's not a bad name for the dish. Yeah.

You create intrigue. Yeah. But when's the last time you got through all of the fresh produce in your fridge? Oh, that's a rarity. Yeah. Yeah. Never. Yeah.

We always buy too many vegetables and fruits because when we're at the grocery store, we're like, everyone's looking at my shopping trolley. They're going to know all I've got is this old lettuce and some mints. Yeah. I better cover it with some bananas and oranges. I'll definitely eat them later. Yeah. Every single one of them.

Your whole house is just filled with rotten bananas and oranges. Yeah. While you're eating Tim's meaty surprise. Why do we never learn? I've got a no but for you. Please. The bit of the movie where we noticed in this week's performance that the actors were going off script

and contributing their own lines and performances to the greater production. And this week, it was definitely the scene where just after Ziccoli has, in a bout of homophobia, punched out two strangers at a party. It's pretty crazy, huh? First of all, this whole movie is ad-libbed. I mean, there is

no script. There are like five lines which you can see Maximum Joseph's fingerprints on. Yeah, yeah, maybe. Which are all shots at millennials. And then there's this moment that just happened where Ziccoli walks up to these two guys having a

conversation and I watched the scene and they didn't do anything wrong. Wow. That's not entirely true. They were having a bit of light locker room talk. Oh, I missed the light locker room talk. Locker room talk at Somaly's expense. But Ziccoli

just says a very homophobic slur and then punches the guy. Yeah. Yeah, they just put a hate crime in the middle of the movie in case they wanted to use that for fuel later on. And then later he tells James Rita the Fueller's girlfriend, those guys wouldn't last in the real world. Oh, yeah, I never really put those two lines together. What does that mean? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, right. Okay, I get what you're putting down. world oh yeah i never really put those two lines together what is that terrifying oh jesus yeah

right okay i get what you're putting down it's like a hollow hate-filled threat and then him and somaly just part ways and she's like jesus fucking christ i hope he doesn't act on that well my offer for no but is gonna come real clunky now but it's the bit where uh she says james thinks you've got real talent he said you've got an excellent sense of, an acute sense of assemblage yeah

and then Ziccoli goes, he's like that's great, what does he say? that's great, I don't even know what that means what does that mean? assemblage is it French? Assemblage. Yeah, and you can tell that... I think it's French.

If you were a script writer or a director, you would not make your characters this stupid. Nah, it's cool. It's cool. It's a good... I like what he did with it. He made it his own. I dug it.

But that's the only... I dug it, bro. You can see a bit of Zac Efron shining through the veneer of we are your friends at that moment. It's like, hey, help me. I'm still here. Maximum Joseph has trapped all of us.

We're trying desperately to get out. Paige has got a flick coming up with Ben Affleck that he's desperate to get to shooting of. I've really got to get to the set of Baywatch. I've got to get to Baywatch. David Hasselhoff's relying on me. Please help. And he's communicating all of that through that one

moment where he throws a can over with the sparkly lights when he's talking to Somaly. What is she wearing on her head? It's like a headdress thing. I've never seen a more beautiful woman look more terrible in a movie you really gotta

I mean Maxim and Joseph really it's a necklace gone wrong it's like one of those things that's got a line over the middle bit and then it's like a crown there it just looks like that part is stopping it from making it down to where it lives on the neck

it's where a necklace goes. I'm not an idiot. I mean, everyone in this movie is so good looking, but like that butt that walks by in the party, I'm just, I don't want to see any of it. You know what I mean? Michael, take your other headphone out because we're fast approaching the end of this voyage,

and I just want to get the rest of your thoughts. You've been a good pig dog. You've behaved. You've had your headphones in. You've been really paying attention. Yeah, that's right. Good boy. What's your take? You really mess up a movie when you have so many good looks. I don't know

why I thought this fixed it. I mean, this needs to be retired until Christmas. Like, this whole thing needs to be shut down. Michael's talking about his hair for those reasons. Yeah, in my face. But I've never seen more good-looking people look less attractive in a movie before.

It's shocking. That takes a real bad director. Shots fucking fired maximum joseph you're never going to work in this town again friends true your career's over is that are you speaking to maximum joseph or to michael to michael who do you think's got more power michael or maximum joseph the clue is in the name and the fact that one of them is being our pig dog by sitting silently on stage with us we've really diminished his position

on this and I'm not apologising for it I stand by it are there any other stray thoughts that you'd like to share I mean it's a shame that we couldn't have done this in the traditional way no I just when does squirrel die because I'm really waiting for that moment we could maybe even accelerate the film for you so you can see it in front of these people.

I think it's fine. You'll see it. You'll see it. We don't need to do that. This dancing that this lady's doing is not even attractive. It's all this whole movie. That's the cameraman's fault. Look, he's moving.

He's all over the place. Get a fucking tripod in there. This is impossible to follow. All the angles are wrong in this movie. It's like Michael Bay directed all of the place. Get a fucking tripod in there. This is impossible to follow. All the angles are wrong in this movie. It's like Michael Bay directed all of the sex scenes. It's just like a close-up of a belly button. And you're kind of like coming at a real Dutch angle, I think it's called, and you're getting in there.

It's like they strapped a tripod on the head of a dog and just told it to get some shots. What an innovative way to shoot a sex scene. We're going to do something no one's done before. You know when like if you're having sex and a cat walks in the room? Imagine stripping a goddamn camera to that cat.

That's the new porn genre. This whole movie is the dog's perspective of sex. When a dog's watching his owner's fuck. That's just the whole movie. There's a secret character, which is the dog. And the whole movie is the dog's point of view.

And we didn't even know the dog was in the movie. We've never watched to the very, very end of the credits, so that might be the final reveal. And you just see the dog take the camera off and then turn it towards its own face. And then it cuts to black. We are your friends too. The good boy.

We are your friends. We are man's best friend. We are a dog. The clue was there the whole time. God damn it. Hey, great find, Michael. I feel like Ed Harris in Westworld. We've just scalped a robot and we've seen the maze of the map under its hair.

Does that make sense? I'm sure if you've seen Westworld it does, I'm sure. P.S. Spoiler alert. I haven't watched it yet. We found a whole new level of the game. Do we have any other business to attend to? The business of saying, you know, the movie's still going. And I would like to...

Hey, guys, I got some business to attend to. Okay. Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys. I know it's a Sunday, I think. But your producer's office is open, and I've got a movie to pitch to you guys. Oh, very nice. Yes, please.

Hot damn. I'm going to pause the movie so you don't lose any of this as well. You can watch it later. Tim and I are obviously hot shot movie executives. We sit in an office on the 64th floor of a building. Our chairs and tables are made entirely out of money. We're doing pretty good. Save for a scepter that each of us have,

the stem, solar concrete, and the top bobble, diamond. Yeah, that's right. And we're looking to commission hot new content in Hollywood. And what I'm excited about is the promise of this young fellow who's about to come into our office, Tim. This guy's called Michael McMillionaire, and he's full of ideas, okay? I like the name. You ready to let him in? I am.

Okay. You can come in now, Michael. First of all, I'm so sorry I overslept, guys. I know I'm supposed to bring coffee and croissants to this meeting and I apologize but what's important is that I'm here and I got a solid idea. Yeah, I mean undoubtedly that there is import in the fact you have made it but you mean to tell me it's 10 a.m. we both skipped breakfast because we were promised coffee and croissants. It's so weird that your regular accent isn't sort of shining through.

Do you want to clean your throat? Oh, this is a new character. Frog in your throat. Aside from my executive role, I've been cast in a... Are you trying to shake that Tennessee twang? If you want me to talk in my regular voice, I'm more than willing to. Thank you very much. I'm sorry, that was a bit of personal business.

No, it's all right. You go right ahead. And we will accept the fact that you did not bring us any coffee or croissants. I will make a note of it, though. Okay, so let me ask you one question. Do you guys love music? Well, I certainly do. Yeah, I mean, who doesn't love music?

Do you guys love the X-Men? Yes, I do. I always sort of wished they were more immortal. But yeah, I see why people like it, I guess. Well, basically what I've got for you guys is a project that mixes X-Men mutant powers and music and good-looking people that will look ugly for an entire film. Now, guess what? We can add immortality in there,

but there's one character that has to die. That's the only trade-off that I got. I mean, you're describing... Am I yelling into this microphone in this meeting? No, your volume's good. Okay, good. And I also like that we conduct all of our meetings amplified, as is my want. Yeah, well, look, I got a few questions.

Namely, you haven't detailed any actual plot. You've just sort of said a lot of different things that we may or may not know. You've come in here very late and asked if we like music. Listen, this movie does not need a plot. Well, as the executive, I think it's my job to tell you, this movie absolutely needs... Nope, nope. It's very watchable.

I've got the most watchable... Have you guys ever been on PCP and been in a museum? Let me stop you there. No. Not my personal drug of choice. How about you, Tennessee Pete? Sure, yeah, I love it. Yeah.

This movie is like that plus the X-Men plus no script. You just keep piling stuff on. I feel like you're building a very delicate Jenga block. I mean, I'm kind of sniffing around the hook. I'm not on. I mean, I'm sniffing around the hook. I'm not on the hook, but I'm sniffing around the hook. My main question would be, whose story is this? Whose perspective are we tapping into here? It's about a man who collects sounds.

Mm-hmm. That is a new element you have not addressed in the other parts of your pitch. How does one collect sounds? Could you please weave these very separate threads together so it forms some semblance of a movie idea? I'm irate. I have not had my morning coffee.

That is my fault. Yeah, it's about a guy who collects sounds and he has a dream. That's another new thing. You were doing the opposite of what I asked. What were we going to do? Do I or do I not have your interests?

Well, yeah. I mean, we're talking, but boom. I'm signing the check. He's done it. What? Did you just judo us in our own office? I love every, you've come in with an exciting new energy. You've asserted yourself as the dominant force in the room by turning up late and empty handed,

shouting into a microphone, disparate ideas that have no connection. We request that you thread them together into a movie plot. You refuse and you add more things onto the pile. I like your moxie. I like your confidence and I am willing to put my money on the table for this one. What about you Tennessee Pete? I will match his investment if we can call the movie

Spanish Omelette. It's called We Are Your Friends. Get out of my office. Michael McMillan, ladies and gentlemen. The millionaire. Yeah. Is that...

That's it. I want to end the episode now. What are you pointing at? That stuff, that's a bunch of merchandise. It's Loot Crate stuff. Yeah.

That's not related to us. Don't you worry about that. Great brand. Great brand. Great product. So, thanks for coming. We're going to do a Q&A, but right now the podcast ends. So, to everyone else out there, we don't have any live shows coming up, so we don't need to plug anything. So, I don't know.

Just fucking live your lives. That's my call to action right now. And also, stick with us. No one likes a quitter. We're not even pushing hashtag. Live every moment. Love every day. Because before you know it,

your precious time slips away. Live every moment. Love every day. Before you know it, your precious time slips away. Your precious time slips away.

Thanks everybody. Oh, Michael's gone. He's off. This, Michael's gone. He's off. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague, a pastor. One of them dies, that guy's a squirrel. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay.

One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. Agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're thirsty for another, why not try...

Walk Out Boys. Oh yeah, but the Walk Out Boys. Maybe it's like canon that he's a dog. It's made very clear and they're like, well, no one coming to the second movie hasn't seen the first. We don't have to spend a long time explaining that he's a dog in a man suit the big third act reveal of the first Jack Reacher

is that he's a dog and it's this is a series of beloved books that we it's because he's a dog that everyone loves this dog dressed as a man

who is really good at helping people out of sticky situations well it's not like Harry Potter begins and is like Harry Potter 7 begins and is like

he's a wizard and muggles are people they don't have to explain they assume you know so I guess in this one they just assume you know he's a dog in a man suit