The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Two - Red Herring

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

THANKS TO mattmulholland.com for our brand new intro!Guy and Tim are so very, very tired. After watching the movie very late at night the lads are sounding scattered and croaky. Guy pitches a new movie which Tim inserts Sally Jesse Raphael into. Tim tries to get a picture of Guy's mind post-watch. Both boys' sense of dread at the length of the film is dawning hard and fast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome you to episode 2 of the worst idea of all time. My name is Tim Batt. My name is Guy Montgomery. Sissy Tim By anyone's standards Yeah I mean What's the average length Of a movie Probably 90 minutes Yeah That's what That's your classic Popcorn film Length Duration They've got a whole

50 minutes worth of Inflation to pump Into this bloody Coronary I could make some Positive suggestions Some constructive Criticism

They could have Made a few little Light edits along the way Yeah Yeah Like every second thing That Carrie says is redundant. There's a lot of questions that get answered by herself

that would be fine to be left. I lost confidence in the storytelling part of the process and just wrote in the narrative. I think it's very explicit. Not even in the voiceover either, just in action, like after a moment happens. Carrie's like, i remember once i was with my friend in plenum which is a small town in new zealand and we um went we we drove some cars

in a paddock we did donuts and that sort of thing yeah but we drove separate cars because we run restricted licenses and we've you know we weren't that idiotic yeah Anyway, on the way out, he hit this little patch of gravel, and the car flipped, and I was too far behind him to see. So I came around the corner and drove around, and there was just a car completely upside down, and my friend standing on top of it. And I got out of the car, and I walked up to him, and I was like, is that your car?

Which is essentially the sort of level of redundancy that Kerry lends to. It's like, of course that's his car. Wait, so what did you do? What kind of car was it first off? I'm trying to get this in my head. It was a truck. It was like a land cruiser.

Yeah. And the whole passenger side got completely crushed. Wow. Had I been in it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Wow, man. That's a fucking trip and the craziest thing is

we were going to work together in Blenheim and we were both in our restricted licence which means you can't drive with passengers and we were like oh it'll be sweet we'll just take one car and then our parents were like no no no you're going to take two cars Stephen and Mary Ann yep sure

well down to you two wherever you are, Marianne, we really appreciate what you're doing. Swinging a mess from old Tim Bay. Switched on lady. No, Marianne has revolutionized. Marianne, I think, was the creator of the Dewey Decimal System,

so she's revolutionized the way we keep and borrow books. Yeah, a Marianne did that. Not the one I'm thinking of. I'm saying amen, Marianne. A Marianne. As if it's amen. Hey Marianne What's your game now?

Can I play? I've forgotten the tune to that. Hey candy baby I play with numbers I do like books That's how the second verse goes. Is it? Do you know how I really don't like in this movie I've decided?

Do you say we or you? Me. I would never be so presumptuous to speak for you on your behalf. That's why I love you. You. You get me. It's the Danish architect whose name I still don't know.

Danish architect. Lawrence of Arabia, as Samantha throws away, or Lawrence of Mylabia. Yeah. It's like an old recycled joke that they put in there, just in case any of their fans haven't heard that joke somewhere else before and think it's original and actually buster. Hadn't you? Yeah.

It's in Friends. It's a joke about Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. She's in Lawrence of Alabia. It's like, they have three parody porn name jokes.

Yeah, yeah. Didn't she do, there's also like a Buffy one. Buffy. The Vampire Lair. You are good. I used to watch a lot of Friends. What was this,

do you know what the other one was out of the three? No, now there's your trivia question. Yeah, there's your bloody pub quiz question right there. Fuck. I don't know about this movie, bro. Because when we got to about, I think about an hour 40 or so,

I was like, oh, cool, the movie's ending. And you were like, nope. And then I checked the timer and that's the thing is it comes out since it's so long it comes out

like you do you can especially at the moment we're fucking clipping through the opening hour hour and a half of this film yeah big time bro it's really

coming at pace it's happening it's happening fast it's whizzing past dry balls and then it's just any movie that is this long even if it's a phenomenal movie you will feel that like okay all right so here's a good question have you seen a movie that's over two and a half hours long that you can just capably fucking sit in there

soak it in drink it up get it in your eyeballs and your other sensory orifice eye the movie that comes to mind right now it's the most recent long movie I went to in the cinema, was, I've been to that many movies recently, but it was Wolf of Wall Street. Oh yeah, that was long. That whips along. This has got a pretty cracking pace. Yeah, okay.

Good shit. Good hustle. Thanks. Yeah. What did you enjoy? Who did you enjoy? I'm really gravitating towards Samantha. I'm a real

Samantha. You're playing this card. You're really going for that Samantha line early. Big fan. It was funny because you looked at me and you were like, I can't remember your exact words. You were like, isn't Miranda great? I hate Miranda so much. I fucking hate her.

I hate her stupid face. I don't think my exact words were, isn't Miranda great? It was words to those of me. No. It was pretty close. I was enjoying her. Enjoying her angles, enjoying her story. More than the others.

It's all relative. Yeah. Well, I genuinely like Samantha I think she's cool And a great role model For the over 50 ladies Who still like to party Yeah

Don't let Being over 50 Slow you down ladies You can still party With the best of them And you shall Row Hey Who was the guy we noticed At the wedding Who just kept popping up With like Pink blazer and you shall row hey

who was the guy we noticed at the wedding who just kept popping up we were like pink blazer pink blazer bro how about that fucking dynamo

of acting in the background of scenes a real tour de force he's a scene stealer he's got a good agent because he was in like there were three different angles

of shots during the ceremony at the wedding and he was in all of them with varying degrees of focus. He was like product placement himself. He was the product. That's acting. That's Hollywood, baby. My favorite.

You've got to sell yourself. My favorite bit of the movie, and it doesn't reference something that's good in the movie, but just cracked me up, is when we went to Big's office after carrie announces that she's cheated on him and it's revealed that he works on wall street like in a really high up building so he's obviously important he's got four screens on the wall which is displaying what looks to me to be market information it's finances it's it's you know it's stocks going up and down. It's numbers on there. He's looking at numbers.

Yet, on his desk, there is no computer whatsoever. So, like, his job is just to emotionally react to what the market's doing. He gets home in one of the days that exists in the movie. And he says to Carrie, Carrie's like, how was your day? He's like, oh, the market fell 100 points. Like, yeah yeah but you just absorb it like you just look at that there's a very wealthy man in new york who's hired big yeah specifically just to look at the numbers ride the emotional roller coaster without any skin in the game fuck imagine yeah it's some like transhumanist shit right there bro like the

the guy who's real rich invest heaps of money in the market but he's found a way to offload all the emotional baggage to someone else so he just becomes the perfect trader you know so like the emotion doesn't cloud his judgment yeah he's a shark out there but how would you mr mr big emotions are just chemicals right so if he's found some way to like take out the chemicals from his brain but they've got to go somewhere for some reason so they have to supplant them into bigs brain that he throws them up as bile and he puts them into coffee pods and he sells those coffee pods to the exact same that mr. big uses which is featured quite probably in the apartment so he's drinking the bile yeah which is the emotional ups and downs of the market journey of his his investments do you reckon this is how the crash happened because all these bigwigs got like too separated from their feelings and they got like

hyper logical it's everything fell apart because you need to retain a bit of what makes you human or else we have stock market crashes you've got to keep some of those feelings in you and out of the world into something massive this is how it happens folks this is how the market falls down and we all get fucked up do you know what i'm struggling with about this movie is it's so long i mean i think of things to talk about during the film and then by the time it's over, I don't have the energy or excitement. It's just like I'm just fatigued. It's like if I go for a run, and when I'm running, I'm like, I'll do this and this,

and I'm going to become the best version of myself possible. And then I arrive home, and I'm exhausted, and I'm like, what a crazy time that was when I was thinking all those things. Now I just don't want to do anything. But running's good for you. This isn't. This is like eating a bucket of KFC.

It's mental exercise. It's mental KFC. It's like eating a bucket of KFC and being like, I'm going to sleep now. You know, that's what this does. It reminds me of swimming in a current. And the current's not, it's like a rip, like a really low-level rip, and you're just, you're using all of your energy just to stay above the water for the whole thing. And the thing is with us as well, we've set such stringent rules on this fucking thing,

so we can't go on our phones, we can't, like, go on email or Twitter or Facebook or anything cool like that. No, this is, you've got to sit in that feeling. All we have is each other in the movie. You called this movie a spa pool last week. You've got to sit in the spa week after week. Based on the fact that you can get horrible diseases from a spa pool. That was why it was like that. And also because it can boil you alive.

Yeah, but I think up top, when you said spa, you were like, this is luxury. Hey, also the movie I couldn't name last week is Lost Boys. It's Corey Feltman. I do not care. Yeah, I didn't think you would. It's of no use or interest to me. I just figured some people might, later down the track, they might binge listen to this season like a few people did with the last season.

And there, I've addressed it. Yeah, plucky young upstart bat. And I wish you nothing but the best. What would be a fun location for these gals to have gone instead of Abu Dhabi? Boston. Boston. What would the impetus be for our Sex and the City friends,

our gal pals, to go to Boston? They're trying to start a vintage store slash coffee shop. Like clothing? Yeah, they're trying to revolutionize the docks. Do they have docks in Boston? You know, down at the docks? Yeah. Yeah.

The whole movie is about the girls trying to um what's it called god my brain's gone to mush this movie is not good for you you're right uh like revitalized they're trying to gentrify the docks with coffee shops and vintage stores and they buy up a whole lot of property and all they launch is next to each other a coffee shop then a vintage store then a coffee shop then a vintage store who then a coffee shop, then a vintage store. Who was the guy who most recently played Batman, or is about to play Batman? Affleck.

Ben Affleck. He should be in this movie. He is in this movie. No, he's neither in your imaginary one so far, nor is he in this one we just watched. Don't tell me who is or isn't in my imaginary movie. It hasn't been made yet. You haven't said that.

Name someone. Leonardo DiCaprio. They're in the movie. That's how my imaginary movie it hasn't been made you haven't said that name someone um Leonardo they're in the movie that's how my imaginary movie works um Sarah Jessica Parker I guess she has to be

yeah she does what about Sally Jessie Raphael she's expensive too I tell you what Sarah Jessica Parker is finished with these movies she does not want to be

in my Boston movie. You need to tell me right now if... Sally Jessie Raphael. Yes, is in this Boston... No, I don't know who that is. We're calling it Boston Nightmare. Sally Jessie Raphael. I don't even know how that's in my brain,

because it's not a name I've heard mentioned for many years. But she was a talk show host, kind of in the Ricky Lake era of talk show hosts, or talk shows rather. And she was an older woman, like from memory she was about sort of mid-50s. I don't know what her fucking deal was, but she had like that kind of blue rinse hair,

you know, that kind of old woman hair, and she had these big thick glasses. Where'd she go? You know, like is she still around? She's probably super chill kicking it in jacksonville florida feet up holding a mojito smoking a cigar watching crocodile dundee too there you go am i right when he goes to um new york he goes, that's what she's watching.

Do you know it's International Women's Day when we started watching the movie and then we crossed over into a day that isn't that day anymore? It wasn't in New Zealand. It had already passed. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought it was today. Was it yesterday?

No, well, it's on the 8th of March. It's the 10th of March now. It was the 9th of March when we started watching the movie oh god we lost an entire day and a half for this movie I'm so

baffled by that it's like flying back from from Los Angeles Los Angeles California um I just it bugs

me that there's like there's stuff there's stuff in this movie that just they throw a little seed out and it never

turns into a plant yeah they're scattering seeds we're familiar with this There's stuff in this movie that just, like, throw a little seed out and it never turns into a plant. Yeah. They're scattering seeds. We're familiar with this. The whole fact that you never see Samantha's ex-boyfriend who's the actor again, like, that feels important to me. It feels like we needed to see him again, you know? And we had ample opportunity.

There was a lot of movie after we last saw him. Yeah. But this movie is not it's not there to... It's not following the rules. It's not there to follow the rules. It's a rogue. And that guy served his device. He had to introduce

the fact that Abu Dhabi existed to these four gals who are used to life in New York City. Can you paint a picture of where your head's at right now to me? I really want to get a bit of a photograph of where you're at. I'm just trying to bring any positive energy out of your body and mind right now. I'm trying to hold you like a flannel and just rinse you over the sink and just get all of the things that you like about the movie out of you

because I need you and I think you need me. And the thing is... Are you secretly quite scared right now? Yes. Yeah, same, dude. Yeah, it's fucking scary. See, you can't look at it in those terms. You've got to take it on a case-by-case basis.

Just live every moment. We don't even have that anymore. We can't even grab hold of that. It's forever embossed on your leg. Oh yeah, I did get that one, didn't I? Yeah. If you told me to write out the Latin words that are on my tattoo, I couldn't do it.

I don't know the letters. You don't need to. You've always got the reference. It would be a waste of your brain space if you that's what i think about tattoos you should never have to remember what's tattooed on your body because you've always got it there as a something to check against memento bitch it's like with exams right you have to learn all of this information like i understand how the concept was created and how held for so long but now it's like you're never away from like anything it is an outdated model so it's like

what is it doing yeah it's like previously you had to you did have to memorize shit because you know books were hard to i don't know do you know get all the different ones at once yeah but now we have all the different ones at once it's now we have all the different ones at once. It's called Google. I don't know how they're convincing anyone in schools that they need to learn maths. I understand people who like it, but if you're not interested in maths,

it's like, how can you be like, no, you need this. It's like, no, teacher, look at what I'm holding. It's six calculators. I'm holding six different calculators. It's just crazy. Maths I can get down with because, you know, or with any subject really, I'm a big fan of get like a good base knowledge of your shit. But when

you start getting into trigonometry, trig and stats and all that kind of bullshit, I still would have taken it though, like voluntarily voluntarily i think even at the time as a teenager yeah but i guess that's because i'm kind of interested in science and things you know would you have do you think no i never got down with it science and maths way beyond me i'm bad at that all of it no rest assured all of it i'm just like look i understand it's happening i understand there's a bunch of people who are really into learning about it, learning all about it right now. Yeah.

That is enough for me. Yeah, someone else has got this. That's someone else's battle. I'm going to catch up on some Dudley Moore back catalog. I'm going to fill you guys in on that later. I'm going to go down as much Sex and the City 2 as I can possibly fit. I'm going to gorge myself on this truffle butter. Fucking hate that Lawrence of Arabia dude, man.

Yeah, he's got the douchiest entrance. He comes in, all the girls are wearing their millionth outfit while they're sitting in the desert and being waited upon by about 20 other human beings. And I might add, he comes in on what absolutely should be a Jeep, but turns out to be a Mercedes-Benz. I think it's a Land Rover in the desert. Mercedes is probably the predominant car sponsor, but I think Land Rover bought a little bit of money. I'm so sure. No, it's a

Merck label on it. You saw a Merck label in America at the end of the movie. No, on his black thing. I'm going to try and pull it up while you do a little talking on how douchey this thing is. Yeah, so the girls are all just hanging out in the desert being waited on hand and foot. And this guy shows up out of nowhere like an obnoxious asshole standing on the passenger seat of what is either a Land Rover or a Mercedes.

He rocks right up to the four of them, leans out of the car and goes, I can't even remember what he says, Land Rover. I just hit that. Yeah. First try, bro. I just hit that Yeah First try bro I just picked a random moment in the timeline What's happened here is Boom Tim has clicked directly onto the moment

You are correct So well done But a little bit well done to me as well I'm as proud of you as I can be That's insane bro I just fucking hit that shit So Danish architect comes in and says Blah blah blah He says I'm sorry for interrupting your fun ladies I just fucking had that shit. So Danish architect comes in and says, blah, blah, blah.

He says, I'm sorry for interrupting your fun, ladies. I can't remember what he says after that. He pretty much says, I'm sorry for interrupting your fun, ladies. Oh, no, that's right. And then he grabs the attention of Carrie's man, Suvante.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And says, can you please tell the hotel that I'll be one or two hours late this evening? Who can be bothered with business meetings? Boring business meetings. When we have the sand dunes and sunset. And then fucks off.

What a cock. Yeah, he comes in like a total dingus and leaves like a total dingbat. He's a bloody ding dong arsehole. But Samantha's all about him. Yeah yeah he is the object of samantha's affection this is the other thing which bothered you in the movie is because they introduced the fact that there's several rugby teams staying at the hotel samantha obviously needs a love interest for the sake of the film yes and uh you're like nothing comes with this yeah i described it as a red herring yeah yeah the rugby teams being there i don't think

meets the criteria of a red herring that's misleading though isn't it because you're like oh i bet you smith is going to get with one of those rugby players and then it never happens it's a red classic red herring or red herring for me is more like if there's a mystery like okay so someone's died or there's probably too classic an example but say um oh there's say there's been a murder and you find somebody who you think is the suspect. And then it turns out. Yeah, exactly.

There's like the quintessential red herring, but I was trying to think a little more outside the box. So someone gave, um, Miranda herpes, but it's not a husband. And then you think it's one of the rugby teams. Cause there's a suggestion that they fucked in the hotel

when we weren't watching, you know, off camera. But then it turns out it was big and Carrie's husband cheated on her with Miranda. I don't think there's a red herring. That's just like an insane, like, real... Bad love triangle. It's a big disaster for everyone involved. Yeah.

But I think you're right. It's a big disaster for everyone involved. Yeah. But I think you're right. I mean, I was just trying to buff up my hearing into a red hearing just for you. And you just shut it down. You said, no, it's not a red hearing. Fuck this. It's a dead bird.

Does seeing the movie twice now make you want to see some of the TV show? Because I know that you haven't seen any of it, have you? No. You're happy? You're in a good place i know the tv show is meant to be good i'm just gonna rock the house with this movie for a year i mean someday when i need to go through like therapy or something with the movie i'll probably watch it then but for now i don't need any more sex in the city in my life even if it is a good one yeah i hear you there's so much other stuff that you can do with your time that isn't watching this movie you could bake two cakes in the time it takes to watch this movie you could run i reckon 15k in the time that it takes to watch this movie to which I say this

what does it say about us that those options are available but we don't have the motivation or like perseverance or like we don't do that the wherewithal but instead what we do have the commitment to do is this

I don't have a rebuttal for that. There's just a bad fact about us. I guess it spawns from the fact that the reason we're locked into this is because someone thinks it's a funny thing to listen to. Who the fuck is going to listen to a podcast where two fuckwits go,

we're going to run 15K and then do a podcast after it. Who wants to? I am like, I would punch myself in the face if that was an idea for a podcast that I came up with. I would hit myself in the face, Monty. Full fucking noise. Do you know what the thing is? I would definitely listen to just you, Alain, your podcast.

Well, that's a different thing. So every week, what happens is you say the thing that you could be doing instead of watching Sex and the City 2, and then you actually have to go out and do that thing. And then you record a podcast about that experience. That's interesting. When, when,

would I do that in addition to Sex and the City 2? I'm not suggesting you actually pursue the idea. But I'm saying if I did. I'm definitely doing it, by the way. I'm definitely not. I don't know. Yeah, you'd have to do it. So each week you'd have to watch this

and also for 2020, whatever minutes you'd have to go. Okay, well that would surely end my relationship. Then it's really, my whole life's over at that point. Halfway through this movie, when would I get's over at that point halfway through this movie when i get to the halfway through this movie tim turned to me in earnest with like a terrified devilish girl on his face and said this movie's gonna ruin our relationships bro and sort of i think it's

true though we both started laughing maniacally because it was a terrifying truth yeah is it it's not just affecting our sky. That's what we've got to remember about this little venture. You see, you've got to shut out all that external stuff. It's you and me against the world, Tim. This is drug addict talk. You're talking like a drug addict. I'm not a drug addict.

I just need you right now. We just need a couple more hits. I'm jonesing for some sex in the city too. We've just got to get through this. Did I give a shining light have i given a shot neither of us have it's a i i i i said something oh this doesn't really count as a shining light but i'll say it anyway because i said in the middle of the film we were like talking about the colors that were on screen and and it occurred to me that the person who color graded this movie either did an amazing job or a fucking atrocious job.

But I'm not sure which of those two things. Because everything's just so big and looks like a toy, like a dollhouse. Yeah. So saturated and vivid. Does anyone know if the movie, not the movie, if the movie reel, is this real? No, if the hotel that the girls stay at when they first arrive in Abu Dhabi,

is that a real hotel? Yeah, and additional to that, does anyone care? You're a real son of a bitch, Tim Fat. My shining light in response to... Oh, you do have one. Well... You minx.

Uh, my shining light was... Fuck. Oh, the chemistry between Carrie and her two love interests. Aidan and John. Yeah, really good. There were moments of authenticity, I thought, and that probably comes from all the acting they've done against each other in the TV show.

And it's nice to see a bit of quality slip through the net. Quality fish slip through the net into this sludge. Sneaked a base, slipped through the net, and scored a touchdown, as it were. Hit a bloody slam dunk. I'll tell you what. Hit a slam dunk for par, bro.

Yeah, and it knocked the football right into the wickets and out of the park, into the frying pan. This is Guy Montgomery saying, fuck this. This is Guy Montgomery saying, fuck this. So my shining light was when Samantha gets kind of cornered by all the men and her bag gets kind of snatched off her, it breaks, and it falls to the ground and all these condoms fall out when she's in the middle of a marketplace in downtown Abu Dhabi. And she just starts busting the fingers to everyone.

She starts flipping the bird to all the dudes and saying bite me to everyone and she waves the condoms at them like a crazy person just saying I have sex she humps the air very aggressive I like it it's a power play it appeals to me

I reckon that is a we're just pulling the fingers I think it's funny I just think pulling the fingers is funny but everything we've seen now I'm just sort of like this movie is having an absolute meltdown

like it's been like slowly melting but now it's just like absolutely a flaming mess when you light

a chip packet on fire you know how old potato chip packets you get in your school lunch, like those little snack-sized ones? Yeah. They'll light on fire, and for a while they'll just be on fire very briefly, and then the plastic will start deforming before you know it.

You've just got a puddle of hot goo. Yeah. That's this movie. It starts as a potato chip packet on fire briefly and then it starts deforming a potato chip packet full of potato chips oh my what's that a delicious packet of potato chips i'll have one hey quick shout out we don't normally do this on the podcast but quick shout out to benny the bull um guy and i just stumbled across the five minute montage cut up. I say stumbled across,

I think it was on Reddit of his, he's the mascot for the Chicago Bulls. It's the 2013, 2014 highlights. It's about a five minute video and it is absolute fucking dynamite. It is unreal.

The talent. It would be smarter for you to watch that video however many times Like 12 an hour So 24 and 24 and a half

28 times Consecutively It would be a better idea to watch that than watch this It would be easier I would enjoy it I'd eat it up 28 times Num num num

Have at me Well the good news is Tim We're a week away 50 more times Fuck My Fuck Fuck my fuck

That is Oh Alright I'm gonna get out of here Thanks for joining us Come on Give me a high five I can barely muster it Another week of

Not watching this until we watch it Guy I don't feel good about this one It's really What are you going to do There's the situ Come on baby I don't feel good about this one. It's really, what are you going to do? I don't know, man. There's the sitchie. Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. It's my birthday. No, it's not. And it's not the rule. Do you know what line I cracked up at the other day? It was such a ludicrous line. And Chris Klein sells it really well. It's an American buy when he's trying to get a blowjob from Mena Savari.

And he says, suck me beautiful. That is insane. Chris Klein, you are out of your goddamn mind. And on that delightful and sexually charged night, we'll catch you next week, folks. Think of us often. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time. It's the worst idea of all time.

Season 2.