The Worst Idea Of All Time - Fifty Two - Ant Marathon

Episode Date: September 3, 2017

Timbly and Guybo are in their native's capital: Wellington, talking to a sold out audience of snivelling public servants about what it's like to keep watching We Are Your Friends too many times. Timbo attempts an old vaudeville trick on his podcast partner and Monty introduces a brand new concept to describe TV static that is positively poetic.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing.

You gonna play that dastardly intro again? Intro, intro, intro, intro, intro, intro, intro. Ow! This movie's still going. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Keep claiming, keep claiming, yeah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Hello and welcome to the worst idea of all time, episode 52, season three.

Live in New Zealand's capital city, as you well know, Wellington, New Zealand. We're performing to an audience, for those of you listening later, of civil servants, public servants and bureaucrats. The bottom of the barrel, so to speak. They're disgusting people and I'm horrified to be here. bureaucrats. The bottom of the barrel, so to speak. And it's a pleasure. Disgusting people, and I'm horrified to be here.

Miserable that you all turned down tonight. No, no, we're getting off to a lousy start by being unnecessarily mean-spirited to you. No, I would like to pursue this line of inquiry further. I would like to add that you are sucking on the public teat, driving this country of its potential. And furthermore,

let's all get out there and vote this election season and really get some shit done. It's about time someone said it, and especially in Wellington. We've all been thinking it. So get that up, you, for a fucking start, okay? How does that sound?

I'm trying to move that out of the way so you can come in here. What's happening here is we're... This is going to go on the internet later. You guys don't care about that. But those guys are not getting a very good shot of me. And obviously, this is The Moneymakers, so you've got to keep it real. Guys, the reason it's episode 52 is because the last time we saw this film, which feels like a blissful age ago,

such a lovely huge amount of time since it feels like we last saw this. We watched the – oh, there we go. I've got effects on my voice. That'll be a fun challenge for an hour. Absolutely. Why not? Look at this. Mine's Why not? Look at this. Mine's going great.

Look at all that. No, there you go. That's the trick. Okay. So look, we watched the movie three times, four times back. I forgot. I taped one on.

We were going to watch it three times back to back and then I thought it would be real funny to throw at Guy the surprise, which is we're going to watch the movie a fourth time. And then we did it. So it's been, it's probably only been about a fortnight since then. It's felt fantastic. It's felt really good.

How's your life been since then? It's been okay, thanks, Tim. Because we haven't had a big, apart from the period of time when I had to penalise us, we haven't had a big chasm of our own time to fill. The way I find that we... Am I using that word correctly? I say chasm.

There's a H, isn't there? Chasm, yeah, I mean, both work. But these snivelling, you know, dictionary fucking wielding maniacs... Yeah, they're a bunch of Microsoft paperclips. Oh, I see, you're trying to use the word chasm. Yeah. And you know who's paying for those paperclips? You and me out of our own pocket. Taxpayer

money. That is so untrue. Yeah. And we're in the arts. If anyone should support the social safety net, it should be us. No, I'm paying tax at no small cost to myself. I've had to bring in some help. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I had to hire someone. Guy needed an adult. How's your life been since you last saw the film, man? Yeah, it's been a box of birds, Tim. Cool, man. I've been out there socialising with my own friends. Yeah. Not following the examples set by those in the film playing to camera

is a mistake. I'm all over the show up here. No, it's been okay, thanks. I feel like I don't really have much to report. Okay, cool. We'll wrap the episode up there. Thanks for coming out. It's been great coming to the nation's capital.

No, he's deliberately misconstrued what I was saying. It's an old vaudeville trick. You'll notice I did that for comedic and not dramatic. Yeah, yeah. How's your life been since then? Oh, it's just wonderful. Just tremendous.

Much the same. Because the thing about the podcast, or the watches more specifically, is it's like a vortex. It pulls you in. And it changes you irrevocably. So each week, the week's going cool, and you feel like you're growing as a vortex. It pulls you in, you know, and it changes you irrevocably. So like each week, the week's going cool and you feel like you're growing as a person. And then one of us will text the other one being like, oh, dude, we're fucking, we got to, when are we going to watch the goddamn movie?

And then we get sucked back into it and then I feel bad about myself again. You know? Yeah. It sounds like it's going to be permanently damaging for our friendship moving forward if you associate me texting you with an overwhelmingly negative swirl of emotion. Just dread is how I would put it in a syllable. I just feel like that's not a good thing.

Yeah. No, but that's why people enjoy it. If it was a good thing, no one would listen to it. They might. There are so many podcasts why people enjoy it. If it was a good thing, no one would listen to it. They might. There are so many podcasts of people enjoying themselves. And those are really popular now. Shit, man. We were new to the form.

Yeah. The form was new to everyone. We thought this is how you did it. But we fucked up and it stole three years and an unknowable amount of potential from our lives. Our self-flagellating goose is well and truly cooked, sir. I could have been somebody. You still can.

You've got to stop talking in these sort of wistful negative terms. Oh, it's the song that opens the credits at the end of the movie. I could be someone. That's the sound that plays to let you know you've seen the movie again. What we didn't do is check. Because this is a tour show. How many people in this room aren't even familiar with the podcast at all? Who's never listened to the podcast?

Don't be ashamed. Make as much noise as you can. That's quite a lot. What a wacky thing to be at. It's strange. That's great. So just to save you from putting the piece together, I'm sure it's been articulated to you, but once more, Tim and I watch and review the same movie every week for a year. And the movie that we've been talking about, we haven't even articulated this for those of you who don't know yet, is We Are Your Friends, directed last year by Maximum Joseph.

It's been referred by some as his magnum opus. And by others as the Citizen Kane of our time. Yeah. I think neither of the people who put those quotes to paper would stand behind them. No. It's a movie wherein Zac Efron pursues his dream of becoming an electronic music DJ

in the unforgiving landscape of Los Angeles, California. Think of a desert. Now double the desert. Now put some fuckboys in there. And that's a movie. That's the movie we watch every week. That is, in essence, what we've been experiencing. And now here we are.

You're all caught up. That's the concept of what we're doing. And we're at the end now, or we would be at the end, had I not penalised us for taking a little bit of time off accidentally. But that's all right. Look, onward and upward. Neither hither nor thither. So I'll tell you what I did.

I tried to trip young guy Montgomery up earlier. He went to urinate. Yeah, and he stuck his foot out. He stuck his foot out. I've flunked the punchline. But if you can imagine me getting the Annunciation and timing right,

I think that would have really tickled you. Well, now I'm just thinking about that I should have actually tripped you over. But you tried to trip me up in an... No, no, no.

Okay. That would have been classic. Seeing you fall right on your big dumb face. Would have been so good. Fuck. That would have been classic. Seeing you fall right on your big dumb face. Would have been so good. Fuck, I would have enjoyed that. But instead what I did is I waited until you were out of the viewing environment. We were just watching the movie backstage, just here.

It was very cold. It was kind of a weird thing. We've sort of, Kai and I have had an interesting day because we got to the airport bright and early for our early morning flight. Well, early, 11. And then they were like, guess what? The windy city's got too much wind. You boys aren't going anywhere. Blowing like the clappers, they said.

They said it on the radio. On Newstalk ZB, they interrupted Mike Hosking to say, this is, it's blowing like the clappers in Wellington. And then it just went back to regular radio. It was a crazy morning. And there we were, two plucky upstarts. Yeah, yeah. From Auckland, New Zealand.

From Auckland, New Zealand. Not originally. At the desk at the airport in a very flustered woman with a foreign accent who I am not convinced knew what was going on whatsoever. She was struggling with the computer system. What is the opposite of flappable? Because she was flapped. Yeah, yeah.

Well, unflappable is the opposite of flappable. But I think what you're looking for is the opposite of unflappable. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. The opposite of unflappable. She was British and she sort of put on like a, she was like a buxom nanny and she sort of in a frenzy just picked up the phone and called someone and said

hello, I'm in ever such a spot of bother she picked up the phone and just mashed the keypad and then put the receiver back down, then put it to her fucking ear, what do you think was going to happen and then she plugged it down and picked it up again and this time she dropped it and it sort of

fell comically over everything and she goes whoopsie it is. I think at one point she said, there's really no exact words, I am paraphrasing slightly,

I don't want you guys to catch me out because I know that you were there too. But she said something akin to I don't know

what's happening. Didn't she? At one point she was banging away on the computer so she said I don't know what's

happened. She couldn't fix that problem but then she did, she persisted. It was so nice to hear some honesty, because whenever anything goes wrong at the airport,

there's someone at the desk just... They're calm. But they're banging buttons. I'm always like, I could never do your job. I've got no idea what it says on the screen. I could do her job the way she does it, though. Yeah, yeah. She was feeling around in the dark.

I could pick up a phone, bash buttons, and be like, hey, guess what? I don't know how this works. She did it in such a way that it actually solved our problem. Yeah, that's true. But anyway, the flight that we got was about four and a half hours later, and we just ended up sinking beers pretty much that whole time. So we've kind of had a whole cycle of drinking

and then sort of being a little bit hungover and then coming back out of it, but just since this morning. And it's thrown me a little bit. Don't worry about it. It put me at odds with myself and then we put the movie in the mix as well

and then I tried to trip Guy up when he went for a piss which is how this whole anecdote started for those of you who can remember that far back

such a small payoff as well no no no definitely not worth it you tell me how you tried to trip me up I reduced the speed of the film by 10%

because I wanted to know if Guy would notice or if he would just think he was going nuts. And it was mainly an experiment because I knew that you would peg to it before too long. But I wanted to know if you would let me know that you thought something was up. You know, like if you would let me in, if you would be like, I'm flipping out.

I've let the pressure of a live show on Wellington get to me. I can't let Tim know. Well, you know how difficult I find it performing to these driveling, sodden government rats scuttling around the pipes. We were just talking about that before, actually. A bunch of pinky

communists. Who have paid to see us tonight. And we can't apologise professedly enough, too, for the tone that we're setting on the evening. No, no, no. You said we would do this, and so we shall. Anyway, so you tried to trip... So, look, he brought it up very early.

Very... Sat back down, put his headphones on, and he said, Tim, you slowed this movie down just a little bit. I was like, I have. You got me. Red-handed. But it was really just unsatisfying, because I wanted you to just stew in your own sense of insanity for a bit

and be like, fuck, I know something's wrong, and I don't know what it is, and I won't bring it up. Well, you couldn't have known what would happen, but here's what happened. This is the other side of the very same story. It's an old vaudeville trick I came back and while I was taking

a piss I was thinking oh this movie's about to wrap up and I'm going to have to perform this show you know how I get scared about performing in front of these Wellington folks Well especially all those snivelling public servants. Yeah, yeah, those guys. And I thought, well, you know, before I have to do that,

before I have to pick myself up and drag myself across the stage in the hope of forcing a laugh out of these absolute pigs from George Orwell's animal farm. Yeah, that's right. They're without souls. But I thought, well, before I have to do that, what I'm looking forward to is hearing the debut single of Cole Carter at this year's Summerfest 2016.

And I genuinely thought that. And I walked back into the room and I said to you, I am ready for this. And you looked me in the eyes and you sort of, you thought I was talking. I was confused. I was like, yeah, that's cool. We're going to come out and do

the podcast in front of people you were like no cole carter's debut single at summerfest 2016 genuinely so i sat down the most excited i've been to hear this song in 52 screenings of we are your friends and immediately i noticed that the song that i was so looking forward to hearing sounds, you know, incredibly different. So the first thing I said was, Tim, have you slowed this movie down? And wouldn't you know it, he had. It's always in the last place you look, isn't it? Do you want to hear my shining light?

Because I'm terrified I'm going to forget it if I leave it too long. So we've talked a bit about how Zicoli gets decked by James Reid from the feelers in the bathroom of the strip club after consuming too much liquor. Because he's not good on the whiskey. He's got a real... Yeah, he's no good on the whiskeys. Or PCP as it turns out. But I would love to meet the guy who is. He's got a real weak constitution.

Yeah. That James Reid though, he's got a twinkle in his eye, doesn't he? Yeah. He's a good guy on the PCP Well I mean I feel like that's an oxymoron Yeah It's real good fun

When he comes around All loaded on PCP Nah he's all good He's alright Someone on PCP Can only be As good as the Best possible

Worst version of themselves Well that's That's That's true. The only thing worse than a person on PCP is a person sucking on the public purse just to pay the rent.

Here we are sweating for 40 hours a week toiling out there busting bricks and shifting rocks. I work with a scythe in the wheat fields. But you wouldn't know the last thing about that, would you? Harvesting and picking.

Picking and harvesting. Those are the only two speeds I know. I've not slept a wink in 20 years. That's why I'm so lean. Yeah, it looks terrible. So the shining light was that the bathroom is quite a good look. I really liked the red

tiling. It was the main thing that caught my eye. You liked the fit out. Fetching colour. And do you credit that, within or without the world of the movie, to the art, the set design people, the people who do the set dressing or the interior designer who did the fit out of the bathroom

in the movie. Absolutely the interior designer. I don't know the first part of your question. I don't know what that even means. When you give credit to this bathroom you enjoy the design of. No I understood but we're blocking out the facade. Okay. That's where I got confused. I think it's because you said I do not understand the first half of what you didn't. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's where I got confused.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's because you said, I do not understand the first half of what you're saying. I think that's when I became confused. That's fair enough. About whether or not you understood. I can understand that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you understood most clearly. No, I did understand. Yeah, yeah. Ironically, you didn't understand. Yeah, yeah. Whereas I was the one who said it aloud. Yeah. So the red's a who said it aloud. Yeah. So the red's a good look.

I like it. I like what it represents. Passion. Yeah. You know? And that is a passionate scene. Yeah. Of lovers lost, lovers betrayed.

Of friendships won and friendships broken. Hey, I've never understood that idiom, no love lost. I know it's used a lot in sports. You're a sports guy. There's no love lost between these two teams. What the fuck does that mean? They haven't misplaced any of the affection they feel for one another. Oh, so it's like you can't subtract from zero is basically what it's saying.

It's like, hey, these guys didn't like each other before, and now these guys don't like each other still. These guys showed up with no love yeah and they haven't stumbled across any love since arriving at the stadium that's such a strange why are you used to weird love you know because love you go like oh in my head right no love lost i don't know the the sort of of it, like following it through like a math equation, but just because of the evocative language and words that he used there, I get the feeling that the two teams,

they just want to fuck or something. They want to be together. That was very animalistic. No, I understand what you're saying. There's no love lost yet. They're playing the sport, but don't worry, they still love each other. Oh, yeah.

No, because you don't imagine in the first instance that the teams do love one yet. You don't. They're playing the sport but don't worry they still love each other. Oh yeah. No because you don't imagine in the first instance that the teams do love one another. So for the commentators to. But they do. Oh you do.

Because they've said the word love. Yeah yeah. But so until they bring it up you've got no notion of how the teams feel. Here's Tim. Yeah yeah.

Here's the old Timbo. Okay. Walking into a sports bar blind to the situation he's about to encounter right. Yeah. Cavs versus Mavericks?

Yeah, sure, why not? I got a small clap because people know how little I know about the NBA. Walking in there and then the commentator's like, no love lost with these two teams. I'm like, oh the teams love each other and they still love each other these two teams. I'm like, oh, the teams love each other.

And they still love each other at halftime. That's so lovely. Whereas if I'm walking in, I don't think that they love each other before the announcer's said that. I'm like, these are two teams who are playing basketball, so they're competitors. But they introduced the notion of love

into the arena of sport. And I get confused. Man, if you watch any more sports, those guys are throwing metaphors around left, right and center. It would be an exhausting event for you. They're mostly redundant.

A game of two halves? Yeah. Fucking show me the thing that isn't, dude. Well, a game that's played in thirds like ice hockey. Well, there's three of them

though, right? Yeah, yeah. So that's not a game of two halves. Yeah. No, okay. Alright. F not a game of two halves. Yeah. No, okay. All right. Fulfilled your request.

Point conceded. Well done, you. Or point match, as I believe they say in sports. That's exactly what they say. Tennis, the sport of tennis. Yeah. But also in a mirror. Well, we are sharing.

I've got the words backwards. I say point match match not match point yeah yeah you go okay yeah yeah shall I I'll do my shining light and I was afraid

of forgetting it too so I wrote it down it was a minor detail let's go unlock it you know this phone knows my thumbprint like the police

house people oh yeah so this was good fun Police. House. People, oh yeah. So, this was good fun. Oh, we're the judge of that. When Zicoli is explaining to Somaly how the notion of DJing works, and he's explaining that there are different genres of music, he's a real good guy, you know.

He assumes everyone enters a conversation with roughly the same amount of information. Not condescending in the least. He's a born teacher is what he is. Yeah, yeah, he is. He's like a philosopher king. Fuck, he would be, can you imagine that guy would get eaten alive

at a high school in New Zealand walking in with those guns. It's a collie. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? People would, they'd be like, hey, nice arms, fucko, and then like launch themselves on us.

No, they'd whisper to one another at morning tea about how hot the new teacher is, of course. Oh, okay, right, right. Those Americans age differently to us, eh? We had an American exchange student at my high school and he looked like he was about 29 and he was 15. So weirdest thing, they're at a weirdest thing. They're at a different scale. They're at a different time scale.

You know the movie Interstellar? You know how when they're closer to the black hole and there's time dilation? That's like America. They age them differently than we do. In New Zealand, everyone looks like they're about 12 until they're 15. And then you turn 15 and you look like a really rubbish

28 year old until you're about 30 and then you're all gone. And then you look like a rubbish 40 year old. Now there is a sweet spot in there somewhere. Yeah. You've got to cash in on that guys because if you miss that. That window. Point match you know.

So Ziccoli is explaining the different genres of music and he gets to explaining about house music. And we've always enjoyed this because he's very dismissive of house. Yeah, he hates it. Yeah, yeah. I like it myself, but he doesn't care for it. And he says house music is garbage.

No one likes house music. And they have this terrible low-resolution overlay of footage of a parking garage where people are purportedly listening to house music. Hold up. I'm trying to put it in my head. No, you're wrong. It's not interior. It's exterior.

House music, they're outside. It's not a parking garage. It's like an open parking lot. Oh, sorry, you're right. They're outside it. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, you confused me. No, it's okay. parking garage it's like an open parking lot you're right they're outside it but yeah yeah yeah gosh sorry you you confused me that's okay i didn't understand i think well it's good you do now voice my concern yeah yeah but we're all right now we're getting better huh uh who's to say me and this audience go uh so he's explaining what house music is and i've always

looked at the one lady with dreadlocks who's wearing like a sort of tiger print almost or tiger colour scheme you're supposed to look at her and she's done

yeah she's in the middle of the frame that's an old vaudeville trick but if you point match film yeah

if you look just behind her there is one of those you know in between sometimes in a public car park they'll put up like a small concrete barrier so you can't drive clean over the park. Yeah.

So they've got one of those, and there are two people who aren't actually dancing to the house music. They're just watching it, and the way they're watching it is they're standing, and they're balancing on the slightly raised concrete sort of parking separator. And I fucking love that sensation. I think you're being too limited in what you're defining as dancing. I call that dancing. No, no, they're not. They're just standing.

Let me give it a whirl. So they're on top of the thing. And they're doing a bit of this. No. Oh, no. I was overacting it to represent. You look disgusted with how I've tried to replicate it. It's not about what and what isn't dancing.

I love the sensation of standing on a slightly raised, about two inches off the ground, and thick concrete platform. And I saw people doing it in the movie and it reminded me of how much I like it myself. And that was my shining light. Deck full of diamonds, genre full of concrete barriers with which to dance.

Quite right. So that was it for me. That was when I was really like Oh that's good. That's a good moment. It's not so bad. Didn't like the film this time. I'll say that for free. Didn't enjoy it. I actually didn't. I did not enjoy it. I didn't mind it. Really? Yeah.

It's been a while Yeah exactly It's still It's still impossible To really This is It's a What was the next

We were going to be In that sequence I was going to say It's impossible to really say Like where it is With watching the movie now It's just It's not even

I'm sure I've Articulated versions Of this before But it's not actually Realistic For me to expect to watch the movie. Like, I can't imagine enjoying the movie. It's not a movie anymore. No, it's not.

It's a set of pixels that are assembled on a screen for an hour. I could be watching, you know, the Ant Marathon when you were a kid and you couldn't get a chance. The Ant Marathon? It was just a black and white scramble on the TV. Is anyone out? black and white scramble on the TV. Is this an established term? I genuinely thought so. Has anyone else heard of the ads marathon?

It's fucking static, dude, is what you're describing. The ads marathon. Depends how you look at it. I love that. You've seen something that is technical error and imbued it with meaning. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a Rorschach test and creativity is what you're looking back, like it's reflected back at you. Well. There was nothing there in the first place. Don't overthink it, Tim. It's a bunch of ants running against each other. This is you looking at the TV equivalent of a Jackson Pollock

that has been accidentally created, and you've projected animals in there. I was like six at the time, dude. I was not thinking about Jackson Pollock. That's awesome. Because now it conjures images of ants competing against each other as well. And traditionally, they've been known as a very social entity. They're working so hard, you don't think they have time to go for a jog, huh?

Yeah, but little did we know, this whole time they've been training for full marathons. And just to put them on the tally for us as well. Not even necessarily for their own betterment, but as a production. They could only afford one camera, bird's eye view, you don't see the finish line or the start line, just a relentless stream of contestants. They're all such show ponies as well,

despite the fact that they're ants. They all try and cram to get in shot, which is why it looks like that. Tiny bits of black permeating the grey concrete below because they're like, am I, fuck am I in shot? Steve, get the fuck out of there. Muscling their way into the ant marathon.

I love that. What's frustrating is the point of that was... Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer Everybody run! ends here

This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately Borderlands, now playing It's meant to be that the movie is as interesting as that but we've just made that sound incredibly interesting This is the most interesting thing I've ever heard You don't get static anymore Nah man

The TV's got, it's one of those things I feel like we've lost out as a society I've ever heard. You don't get static anymore. Nah, man. The TV's got, it's one of those things I feel like we've lost out as a society. We got too smart for our own good, you know. TV's now,

you pull an aerial out or something, you see the ant marathon ever so briefly and then it'll go, nah, I'm blue so you don't have to deal with this. Feeling a bit off.

Don't have the picture inserted into me. That's funny, the idea of the TV is getting embarrassed and blushing blue it's more of a depression area

it's like oh I can't do my job I'm blue yeah yeah yeah I get it do you know what I'm do you understand

yeah yeah because blue means sad then it does I thought about something else in the movie I wrote it down do you want to hear about it nah Because blue means sad. Then it does. I thought about something else in the movie. I wrote it down. Do you want to hear about it? Nah.

I want to talk about how much of the movie felt improvised to you this week. Look, I don't, yeah, pretty much none. Johnny Depp to me this week. He went off book. Yeah? Yeah. Every line he delivered, I felt like it was like he was just reacting. Normally, I think it's jarhead.

That's what they teach you when you learn how to act. They say acting isn't acting, which is the first mistake most people make. Acting is reacting. Right. Well, he's doing it yeah and that's exactly what you articulated

but not reacting to people who are on screen reacting to the situation where he's been put in a movie and doesn't have a script I felt it was more like what

you know wearing a leather jacket in the summertime what there's a camera. Johnny, we're going to need you to act less surprised. Sorry!

Reaching and dealing with that guy on set. And action! Oh my god! We're doing it! We're really doing it! That actually freaked me out. I thought I was going to do something, but you did something and it was loud and right next to me.

Freaked me right out. I'm sorry about that. Well, that's who I want to talk about though, Johnny Depp. I didn't see a lot of the surprise you saw, but I saw a deeply flawed man. I'll give you a crystal example if I may. Of him being surprised. Of me interjecting you, interjecting me, interjecting you.

The vape moment at the party when he's not even in the front of shot, but James Reid from The Feelers comes out. He's like, boys, you're a bunch of fuckos, but you're at the party. Just try and do it. Just keep your dick in your pants. Keep your dick in your pants. And lovely to meet you all. Johnny Depp

we've actually met before I have read the script we promoted social on a Thursday that's not the character that's the actor actually I've got a note for you Wes Bentley our characters have met before

we've met before we're at social you're at social, we're both at social we've met before. We've met before. We're at social. You're at social. We're both at social. We've met before. And then Wes Bentley then has to keep going with this riff. What an insane thing to keep rolling on though, you know? Someone's going off book

and then everyone else just has to go, fuck, alright. It's costing too much for us to redo the scene. So we'll just do that. That's digital now. You know, they used to shoot on film. Oh, you're such a film buff. Yeah, I was. Real tech head. But that is a good example.

And he flubs the social situation. Absolutely. And he panics. But in a very genuine panicky way. Yeah. It's the way I would expect an actor to respond to the situation of being in a movie and unprepared

rather than a diddle at a party who shouldn't be there. Are we still using diddle? No, man. Diddle is a crazy thing to say in this day and age. Do you get a lot of diddle breath when you're growing up? I mean, you don't get it, but the turn of phrase. I understand, yeah. As an insult, it's very popular. don't get it, but the turn of phrase. I understand, yeah. No, yeah, diddle.

It's an insult. It's very popular. There was a time, but you're younger. Of course, if we unpack it now, diddle breath is homophobic. Fuck, there was another one of these. Fuck, what was it? Cocksucker, probably. No, no, no, no.

No, it wasn't. It was dumbass. Yeah. Dumbass was huge. Dumb no, no, no. No, it wasn't. It was real. Dumb ass. Yeah. Dumb ass was huge. Dumb ass was used for everything by everyone, and then it's just completely dropped out of the lexicon. No one says dumb ass anymore. Don't be a dumb ass.

Are you fucking dumb ass? It's like good to say phonetically. Dumb ass is much better than diddle. Diddle is so gentle it feels pathetic. But also disgusting as a result. Dumb ass is like, oh, you bloody moron. It's so gentle it feels pathetic. But also disgusting as a result. Dumbass is like, oh, you bloody moron. Unlike the rest of our intelligent asses, you are dumb.

But to speak on Johnny Depp some more. Speak your truth. I didn't really see the actor performing. I saw the character this week. And the guy is, we've always called him, you know, he's piss weak, but he's a shallower person. At the start of the movie in the montage, when they're like, these guys are cool. Their lives are cool. They fly for electronic

music gigs outside of universities, you know, like cool people do. You know how when you walk out of a lecture and someone gives you a flyer and you're like, oh, you've got it going on, motherfucker. Why am I here yeah doing this degree this could be me this could be my life exactly so fucking coke addled bald-headed fuckwit roaming the halls on campus surprised to see me whoa have a flyer

he shouldn't be there and frankly i think it's a real failing of campus security that those boys are allowed to do this every fucking gig, right? Big time. Those guys are taking the piss. Yeah. They're not doing a very good job. But so he's doing all that. And in part of that montage where it's establishing

that they're cool guys at the start of the movie, one of them's like, yeah, Zach, everyone says to him, yeah, there's not enough actors in LA. And Johnny Depp, very cool and confident, as though he expects great things for himself, says, I'm not an actor. While vaping, I'm not an actor. Strawberry milkshake.

I'm a movie star. And the movie kind of just, it glides over and it moves on and it keeps going. And you're like, this guy's got self-belief. This guy genuinely thinks he's going to be a movie star. Bro. Yeah. Bro.

Bro. Grown Ups 2. Grown Ups 2 was a movie that we managed to learn by heart. This one I feel like I don't know at all. Yeah, it's a stranger even now. Could you, I think jointly right now, I would love for us to try and just start at the start and see if we even know. Like, what is the first words, what are the first words said in this film? In a land.

No. Los Angeles. No. It's going to be a big night for my boys are you for real yeah someone from the crowd shouting

it's going to be a big night for my boys no not boys boys singular that's right yeah it's boy Colcata the DJ it's going to be a big night

for my boy it's going to be a big night because it's Jarhead and he's pimping the DJ it's going to be a big night for my boy we got people coming to the club

oh man it's weird we should have this by now it's going to be a big night for my boy. We got people coming to the club. Oh, man. It's weird. We should have this by now. It's fine. You don't need it. I'm trying to make a point about Johnny Depp's constitution. May I?

Fuck, man. We should know more of the movie by now. Oh, my God. You've got to stop beating yourself up about this. Nah, because, I don't know. I know it's all for nothing, but at least we could have got that out of it, you know? What are you going to do with that? Something. Do you know what I've done with knowing

grown-ups too off by heart? What? Like every fifth social interaction, I'll find a moment where I can insert a quote from the movie, and I'll do it, and no one else will know what I'm talking about or laugh, and I'll think to myself, I've got to stop doing that. I don't need that with another script.

Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Johnny Depp. I just feel like we should know more of it, though, even by osmosis. Not by focusing on it, but just like, we've seen it so many times.

Who is there out there who's so impassioned by it? Who do you want to talk to with this information? I'm the only possible person. Yeah. And I have no interest in you knowing this. Yeah, that's true, actually. It's an audience of zero. Yeah.

But it just, I don't know. It rankles you. I'm still disappointed by it, you know? Well, you've got to forgive yourself. I can't help but feel like it was a waste of time. Watching the movie 52 times. Tim, when you articulate

it like that, that also rankles me, yes. I agree. Do you know what we did? We made the wrong decision. Yeah, I think so. But that's okay, because what I'm talking about is Johnny Depp. And he says, I'm not an actor.

Strawberry milkshake. I'm a movie star. We both know that one. Yep. And then today, when he said that, I said to him, I looked him square in the eyes, and I said to Johnny Depp, I said, if only you knew how quickly you'll change your tune. Like I know.

And within an hour, morale is low. They've killed their friend Squirrel by giving him too much rat poison, ironically. Squirrels and rats are mostly allegedly the same thing. And they're sitting around the pool and they're all lamenting the fact that they've killed a guy. And Jahid's trying to give a pep talk.

And he says, you know, we're going to cap and sidestream this shit right up. He doesn't stutter. He gets it right. You're going to be a big DJ. You're going to book a sitcom, man. You're going to be a movie star. I know it. book a sitcom, man. You're going to be a movie star. I know it.

And Johnny Depp says, none of that is real, dude. Don't you see? I'm not going to be a movie star. And I'm like, you've done nothing between saying you're a movie star and coming to terms with the fact you're not going to be a movie star.

You literally took no steps towards achieving your goal of being a movie star. This movie misses a lot of beats that it could play for laughs if it knew what it was doing like the fact that he's like i'm gonna be the fucking best actor in the world and he's like this shit doesn't work like that bro it's like here are the things that you've done to try and make it happen you got a job at a call centre yeah you killed a guy now we're here and he's like I give up

I've tried everything I've worked in a call centre I killed a guy this town is impossible and that's when I thought to myself this motherfucker's got a weak constitution they don't know what they're doing that's the thing they've a weak constitution. They don't know what they're doing.

That's the thing. They've got no clues. They really don't. But I'll tell you what they do have. Sentimentality. Oh, my old baby. Getting sentimental with James Reid. Now, for those of you who haven't heard an episode of the podcast before,

that was entirely improvised. Weirdly, we saw Dave Dobbin in the Kourou Club. Do you know what we should, I mean in retrospect New Zealand's favourite son, Dave Dobbin We should have gone up and quoted Where Are Your Friends To? No, we should have tried to get him to record a thing for that. He's a musical icon.

And a curse and scourge of the America's Cup. Yeah, yeah. Long story. Google it. But what we're here to find out this evening is there's a MacBook Pro box which has got something in it that isn't a MacBook Pro. It is gifted.

It could be. Well. You never know until you something in it that isn't a MacBook Pro. It is gifted. It could be. Well. You never know until you unwrap it. Which we haven't yet. A gift given from James Reid of the Feelers to his DJ protege, Zicoli. Carbohydrate-free pasta. Whoa, deep cut.

Yeah. We haven't talked about that in a while. Well, I had a friend, it's called Keto Pasta. Is it? I had a friend who used to... Keto diet. Is it? I had a friend who used to, Keto diet. Yeah,

he used to, he was always trying to figure out what the next big thing was. So he started importing a lot of Keto Pastor to his house. He had boxes of the stuff. Is he your friend

with the vape empire or a different guy? Same guy. Fuck, I was going to say, you've either got some industrious friends or one guy

who I really fucking want to hang out with. He sounds like an interesting cat. He guessed right, you know, once. Yeah. That's all you need because he's still got boxes of keto pasta. What's the shelf life on keto pasta? It's pretty good.

I'll bet it is because normal pasta takes ages to go off. No, it goes off like that, huh? No, it doesn't. Because it's made from eggs. It's always going off. Unless you've got that they're like weevils. No, it goes off like that, huh? No, it doesn't. Because it's made from eggs. It's always going off. Unless you've got that, they're like weevils. Pantry moths.

I don't even know how they get in there. I bought shell pasta. No one does. It was, the bag wasn't open. How do you get into that bag? How the fuck do they get in there? I had a vacuum sealed container of bran. Don't ask why I mean

I wasn't going to but now that you've there were little these little moths in there how does that happen how small are they as larvae or whatever to get in there in the first place maybe they grow inside of there but how did they penetrate it in the first place

that's oh row inside of there. But how did they penetrate it in the first place? Oh. This is the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally there was a scientist in this room instead of 100 dribbling wet blankets. Yeah, a bunch of thieves is what they are.

Yeah, it smells like wet dog in here because you're wearing your civil servant blazers and it was raining of course in this windy and wet city and your blazers got wet and wet blazers

smell like wet dogs you're a bunch of dogs he got you guys he got you so good you should all feel very embarrassed for yourselves yeah

he sassed you deeply humiliated. Let's have a look in that box, though, eh? Yeah, yeah. So. Yeah. A MacBook Pro box. Piling back the tape.

First things first. We haven't really done those sorts of radio gags before, but I thought I might give it a go, and I'm not going to try it again. No, no. Rustling around the plastic bag. And then from within the bag springs an elephant. Would you believe it?

A small elephant is inside of the bag. Oh, God. Oh, God. He shat himself. Something terrible's happened. The elephant has crapped himself within the confines of the box. And if you think you've smelled poo before, you ain't smelled nothing until you've smelled the poo of a baby elephant.

It's disgusting. But I thought, actually, I thought baby's poo doesn't smell. Yeah. No, it does. It smells better. Which is weird. I don't think the poo doesn't smell. Yeah. No, it does. It smells better. Which is weird. I don't think the poo doesn't smell better

it smells less worse doesn't it? Yeah. Wow. Potato, potato. It's probably because we eat potatoes and they don't.

Yeah. I don't want to kink shame anyone who loves the smell of shit. Fucking hell, mate. This is Wellington after all. Yeah, they are a bunch of sickos Absolute certifiable sickos

Disgusting animals Listen to them applaud The sound of the applause Only slightly muted by the shit Caked onto their hands From handling the shit they love so dearly I'll stop, I will stop We'll take your 20 bucks But but you're slime out there.

You're absolute slime. So listen, there we are. Discovering the elephant, discovering its feces. But somehow looking deeper within the box. Yeah. Not impressed enough by a tiny elephant. No. We continue to rummage

in this mysterious box. Rummage. Yeah, can I say this? I really love the effort, but it feels like you've got one sound effect. It's not true. What was that? A door, a creaky door.

Yeah. No, I shouldn't guess because then I give you one. No, no, it's a creaky door. I think you're just making noises. No, it's a creaky door. You got it. So if you go into the box past the elephant, there's a creaky door. You got it.

It's similar to that episode of The Simpsons where they rebuild Flanders House after Hurricane Nettie. And they go to the end of the hall, which gets progressively smaller, and they open a tiny door, and Barney's in there at the end. It's like that, you see. Perspectives are warped. How'd you get a gauge on how big this box is all of a sudden?

Wow. Yeah. It's like the popular book by Lewis Carroll. Alice in Wonderland? It was a very Christopher Walken announcement of where we were. A book

by... Do I know the truth? I panicked. I didn't know if Lewis Carroll or C.S. Lewis wrote Alice in Wonderland. C.S. Lewis is the line in The Witch and the Wardrobe,

I believe. Yeah. All right. We got some fucking English Lit 101 grades who went on Alice in Wonderland C.S. Lewis is the line of which in the wardrobe I believe yeah alright we got some fucking English Lit 101 grats who went on to a career and suck it on

the public teeth we got a bunch of washed up extras from the Chronicles of Narnia I get it who managed to drain the last

energy out of anybody to drag themselves to the beehive to suck on the pollen straight from the queen's teeth. Queen's not doing the work. The worker bees are. Sweating away.

Finding new flowers. You and me. Yeah. Getting out there. Buzzing. Buzzing. There you are, souls. Taking us for all we're worth. You thieves.

You bandits. What are we trying to do here? Man, just having a good time. See how long before they physically turn on us. Okay, so you rummage. There's a baby elephant. Shits himself. You have to create...

Fuck, I went for a second bite of the apple and it didn't work that time either. You actually accidentally sounded more like an elephant. Fuck. This is what you did. Yeah. I'm not going to attempt it again. Here's how I would have done a tiny elephant.

Go on then. I'm glad you didn't outshine my attempt So look, we're past that We're through the door We're in a big open space, you see Because it's all fucked up, man Once you get past the door, everything's different It's all changed there, up's down, down up Left is still left Which is weird because, down up left left is still left

which is weird because down is up and right is left no right is left and left is left so everything's left yeah yeah up and down have been flipped

but everything's left if you can conceptualise that it's basically you're walking into a room past an elephant that's shed itself through a door and you're just looking

at a curve if you can imagine that. An upside down curve to the right because it's upside down you see. So everything's to the left. Yeah, yeah, keep going. So you bank, you bank and you bank and you bank you're banking hard left because it's the only way you can go. 270 degrees

you get to another door. No doubt. We're still in the box. Open the other door. You We're still in the box. Open the other door. You're just out of the box. You're back in the lounge. That's so fucking intense. You don't need to applaud being back in the lounge. So the sentimentality of it all is like,

it's essentially a spirit quest. And whatever animal you see in there first that shat itself is supposed to be a representation of your inner spirit. All the animals shit themselves. Yeah, I know, but the one that comes to you and your journey. That's a question. Oh, I'm sorry, yes.

Except snakes. Do they have arseholes? I don't know. What is it called? Cloaca. That's what something has. Birds. Some of them.

What's a cloaca? It's everything. It's a single hole that both eggs and shit come from. And I think wheeze too. And not all birds have them, but some do. For example, the duck, I believe, has a vagina. I think. Yeah, that's true.

Ducks are bad news. You misogynist. No, no, no. Male ducks, I understand, have corkscrew penises. Yes, it's an interesting quirk of evolutionary biology. Is that true? Yeah, they're very aggressive sexually, shall we say. Because this isn't a family podcast. Sorry, yeah, if you're listening with your kids, now might be the time to do earmuffs.

Bail, bail, bail, bail, bail. Bail, bail, bail out of there. So the duck, you see, has evolved. The female, the mallards are the men ducks, right? The boy ducks. And the other ones are the ducks. ducks, right? The boy ducks. And the other ones are the ducks.

The ducks have evolved these weird, multi I don't want to say cavernous, because it's putting too much space in there, but they've got different tunnels in their vagina with false passages. You don't want to say cavernous, but you're okay with multiple tunnels. It wasn't that the word was too evocative,

but it was inaccurate Kevin has suggested it was very large Do you think somewhere with three tunnels Or a cavern Which of those two do you think would be bigger Just Cavern I've got a very defined idea

About how big a tunnel is in my head Yeah It's a scary tunnel If you say tunnel to me, I think of a dark tunnel that you can only just like wiggle into and there's no other room

in there. You're just in the tunnel. That's your whole life now. Jesus. So when I text you this morning saying, hey Tim, do you want to come

and dig a tunnel with me? Yeah. You probably... I was like, yeah, no problem. There's tiny. That'll be easy as. But you were probably also quite worried. Well I didn't anticipate going in it myself.

Yeah. How big's a tunnel to you? If I just say tunnel. First you go whoa! And then what do you do? I think they're big. How big?

Like bigger than a car. That's what you drive through a tunnel. Fair enough. Usually bigger. Unless there's been a huge mistake. Speaking of huge mistakes, let me finish this duck thing. So the ducks are in an arms race. It's a cold war.

Because the mallard's penis has evolved to whip around like a snake. It's very... Whips around there. But then the mallards... No, wait. The mallards are the boys. The ducks

have evolved a vagina that's got all these dead ends so they can't be impregnated easily. It's fucking weird, man. I'm serious. Their vagina has biologically developed to have like... You know, like a maze.

You're making me question it, but yeah. If I've understood it correctly, yeah, that's what's going on. Far out, Brussels sprout. We got any zoologists in that can confirm or deny that? It's true, it's true. I'm getting it's true. Gee willikers, that is some crazy stuff, huh? Yeah, man.

We should probably get rid of ducks, I think. Ducks are advancing at a faster rate than we are. No, that's true. I think we should leave the ducks. If we go to Mars and take everything with us, it just leaves... Ducks, you've done it. Yeah.

You're very clever with your penises and your vaginas. This is yours. I hope you know better... We give them... Yeah, dude. We hope you do a better job than we did. Ducks will know what to do with the place. It's a bit of a mess. It's a bit of a fixer-upper.

But you've got the moxie it will take. We look forward to visiting you in several millennia. That's all we've got time for this podcast, isn't it? Yeah, I was just trying to think if we've got any other business to attend to

that we need to absolutely not you guys please give yourselves a huge round of applause thank you so much for coming out to this

we had a really good time we really appreciate it thank you for listening to the 52nd episode of the podcast and just to paint you a mental picture at home if you're listening

in your headphones or a bluetooth speaker gorgeous crowd yeah beautiful gorgeous crowd of soulless you'll picture at home if you're listening in your headphones or a Bluetooth speaker. Gorgeous crowd. Yeah, beautiful. Gorgeous crowd of soulless, blood sucking assholes.

Yeah, we got called Jeffers and it actually brought the house down. You won't hear that, but that's because I edited out all the uproarious applause for that man which tells you something about

the caliber of person in our audience that the word Jeffers is enough to elicit a laugh business you worms

nah this was funny japing at the start and now I feel like it's gotten too dark it has gone way too far thank you so much and goodbye podcast listeners It has gone way too far Thank you so much And goodbye

Podcast listeners Ow This movie's still fine There's a colleague One of them dies, that guy's screw One of them's a hottie, his name is Jay One of them looks like Johnny Depp And his name is Johnny Depp

Classic Maximum Joseph I agree You forget that films Are supposed to have a point Johnny Depp and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. Agree. Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer.

Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Now playing.