The Worst Idea Of All Time - Forty Five - Solo Drunk

Episode Date: June 11, 2017

Timbly has been doing some solo drinking. Yet miraculously, he wasn't the one who screwed up the record - Guybo was! Not to worry though, these are the kind of boiz to be set back by a failed record or the fact that they're not together to form a drinking game based on watching WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. Oh no, not these boiz. These are brave boiz. Good boiz. Adventurous boiz. Trailer: The Male Gayz Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Twitter at Little Empire Pod. Welcome to the worst idea of all time episode 45 with myself Tim Batt And myself Guy Guy Montgomery, with his microphone and tail between his legs. Guy, explain the current situation as it stands. Oh, look, it's a minor issue. It's very infuriating, actually. I'm currently staying in a hotel room in Geraldton, West Australia. That is not an issue at all.

I'm having a great time doing that. Tim and I just recorded 30 minutes of red hot gold, I would say. Gold often doesn't run red hot, but it did in this instance. It's pretty good stuff. And Tim, unbeknownst to me, had created a pretty detailed set of drinking rules

for the film Where Are Your Friends. Yeah. You've been over there having a party, have you, my boy the film, Where Are Your Friends? Yeah. You've been over there having a party, have you, my boy? I've done that all on my lonesome Montgomery. I didn't need no man to have a good time with. Hey, but let me ask you a question. Are we 100% sure you're recording this time? Because I still haven't set it up to record your, like, telephone conversation.

Oh, yeah. I'm recording loud and clear. I'm not going to make the same mistake I did just prior you know the old saying once bitten twice shy three times i'm a lady here were the drinking rules as i wrote them down folks and you gotta bear in mind that um i'm coming to you live after five beers and a little bit of some other stuff and the way that this works is i basically uh it came in came in fifth gear you know what i mean which is not generally how you start a race you start on first gear but i started on the fifth gear started very hot and heavy and then uh progressively got less so as i kind of lost my

way midway through but here are the rules as i will report them to you. Just before you read them, we didn't quite finish relaying what happened to the previous recording of them, which was I had to return a phone charging cord to my next door neighbor and very funny comic, Danielle Walker. And I ran next door with it. I took out my card key to make sure that I could get back into my room

and the card key cut the power and the power cut the recording and I've just, I've cast us asunder. But Tim's enthusiasm and nuanced drinking rules are sure to carry us through to steady waters. It's all on Timbo's shoulders and I'm willing to accept the responsibility, Guy Montgomery. Here it comes. The first rule, and this is an

important rule is every time anyone says the following words take a drink of your drink and i can't stress this enough you don't have to drink but if you're going to drink just take a drink of your drink don't drink the whole drink until i tell you to drink the whole drink just like you know take whatever you think is appropriate from your drink it's a beer that's what i use this week this should serve as a guide for you okay if anyone says the word coal or the name coal you drink if anyone says ollie you drink if anyone says mason you drink if anyone says squirrel you know what's coming you drink if you know it's coming, you drink. If anyone says sushi, drink. If anyone says my boy, you drink again. Okay? So, because I did a bit of a count up on how many times

these names were actually said out loud before I stopped paying attention and kind of gave up on it. Here are the stats. Cole has said nine times. Ollie has said three times. Mason, who knows? I actually haven't got a number next to that so it's impossible to tell squirrel four maybe maybe more the fuck i don't know those tallies what all sound horrifically inaccurate sushi nine times my boy twice

oh boy here's how the rest of it goes when you hear the words it's going to be a big night you take a drink okay it's coming real early in the film i want to i want to get you ready i want to get you a whistle wet when you are in the club no when you're out of the club but you hear club man you hear club man promise that he will give Jahid head. I want you to celebrate by having a beer. A little beer. Just a sip of beer. Not a whole beer. Just beer beer. I said this previously and I'll say it again, Tim.

I also think it's imperative that we pour some out. God, no one knows what happened before because it didn't happen on the record. And also, I can't remember whatever you said. So just present it like it was new information because it is to all of us involved in this. I can't remember whatever you said. So just present it like it was new information because it is to all of us involved in this. I didn't realize I could treat you as a totally blank page.

I am an audience surrogate at all costs. For Jahid. Not Jahid, sorry. Club man. Because he once knew a life on the outside and is now cursed to spend the rest of his days inside of the club. And we've got to pour some out for his memory of his family the joys of outside living fresh air parks dogs swimming in the water all that good stuff club man he's having a good time because

he's in the club but he's having a good time because he's in the club It's the leather jacket in the summertime It's too hot for that kind of fashion In this kind of season So do you know what I recommend? Cool off with a little bit of beer A little beer of beer Next up, James Reid is playing We're in the club all of a sudden

Clubman's here But the most important bit is James Reid is playing And do you know how I like to celebrate James Reid playing? In a fucking live DJ set where I am You finish the beer Finish the beer

You finish your whole beer Whatever the beer is finish it Is that a free two hands for party time dancing Including but not limited to removing and swinging your jacket around and around Fucking A If you're by yourself I recommend Pull your pants down and whatever genitals you've got, swing it all around. Just for your own self-benefit.

Next up, these are my friends. Celebrate with some beer. Now, I don't know what this note means. I'm sorry to hold you a momentum there, but I just can't get over the idea that to swing a vagina around is virtually impossible. Clearly, my man hasn't seen enough vaginas vagina around is virtually impossible. Oh, yeah. Clearly, my man hasn't seen enough vaginas. It's not impossible. In the same way you can de-trowel and swing your penis around,

you can swing a vagina around? Not in the exact same way, but, you know, you use your imagination. You get out there, you swing it around. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. As you were, continue. Sorry. So, these are my friends.

Celebrate with some beer. And you, honestly, I do not recall what you said last time. Am I writing this down because that's the song, or does someone say these are my friends? Oh, maybe. Hold up. It happens concurrently, I believe, Tim. It happens in the same instance.

Oh, yeah. concurrently i believe tim it happens um at the same in the same instance so oh yeah and these are my friends while while the chorus or while the drum kick from we are your friends you're fucking right you're fucking right man do you know what i'd never accuse you of guy being wrong except right now we're a good team tim and you're a good little boy i want to scratch you under the chin i know you like that right now. I fucking love it, bro. I'd pay some good, honest, hard, cold cash for that. This is going to be the best night of your life. That is a quote that is said by... The best.

It's shared responsibility. It's a montage line. This is going to be the best night. The best night. The best best night The best night of Your life Do you know how I celebrate that? Have a little beer Cole is smoking

It's the first time we've seen it happen in this movie And it's a bit jarring in 2017 To see central characters On a screen production smoking You know how I like to recognise that fact? Have beer. Have a little bit of beer. Oh, I see. Cool down your throat. It's probably hot from all that smoke. Hard out.

Because we're very empathetic viewers, and we feel what Cole feels. They're toasting Skrill. So you toast Skrill. So here's to Skrill. So let's beer a beer. And that point happens when we're all together. And so here's to Skrill, so let's bear a beer. And that point happens when we're all together. And it's just before Skrill says,

this is my favourite part. It's just before that. It's Jahid who says it. He says, here's to Skrill. And they all drink. They've probably cheers to everybody, to be honest. It seems like it's one of those moments. But we cut in as an audience to get a cheers to Skrill. And as someone who's everybody to be honest it seems like it's one of those moments but we cut in

as an audience to get a cheers to Skrill and I as someone who's going to be killed in moments from now I'd like to cheers him

as well you know what I'm saying certainly this man has never left the club we are meeting club man for the first time

drink for him you know what I'm saying club man is a tragedy he is a Greek tragedy he is a man so He is a Greek tragedy. He is a man so filled with vigor and vim and enthusiasm for the profession that he has because he's not been exposed to the outside world.

And just my heart bleeds for Clubman. So we've seen him for the first time. We've heard him on the phone before. Guys, explain why he's such a sad man. I've said it before and I'll say it again to him. It's slightly more heartbreaking than you imagine. He does know the pleasures

of the outside world. They have been taken from him and he will never have them again. And therefore, we must pour some out. Ugh. Pour it out again. Pour it out for Clubman.

Fucking Clubman might be... Pour out a whole bottle. And I think the more expensive thing you pour it onto, the better, I think. The more expensive thing you pour it onto, the better, I think. The more expensive thing you pour it onto, so like find a shag pile rug.

Well, I don't think you're allowed to look outside of the room you're in, but certainly within the room you're in, find the most valuable item, either through sentimental value or genuine value, and pour your drink out on top of it. So hypothetically, does it count as pouring your drink out if you are in a situation where you're watching the movie in full view of your neighbours who have very expensive houses

which you're very confident they own? If you throw your beer through a window of theirs, is that kind of facilitating what you're laying down? There's a lot of property damage. A minimum of like $300, $400. It's a lot of property damage a minimum of like three four hundred dollars legally like a gray area to me tim i would try and limit your your pouring out of your drink to within the room i think throwing and pouring are two entirely different you know still boring guy that's your problem man i've always said this

about you boring when you watch the the boat the olympics tim they don't pour the javelin you know in the track and field segment do they they they they throw it maybe they should that's what i'm saying you as long as you've known me you've known that i have been an advocate of pouring the javelin it's always been very close to my long as you've known me, you've known that I have been an advocate of pouring the javelin. It's always been very close to my heart, and I've always been a very passionate proponent of that, you know? Let's keep the Olympics going. I'm not one of these crazy people who's advocating for cancelling the Olympics.

What I'm simply saying is let's pour the javelin, you know? You know? To this day, I'll say the same thing that I and the Olympics committee have said to you since dot one, Tim. How? You've never described to us with words or diagrams

how you pour a javelin. You just keep saying, let us pour the javelins. So Somaly's appeared. It's the first time we've seen her. Let's toast Somaly. Have a beer of beer. Somaly's here.

You know, it's a cute little poem. That's great. The next one is, Zuccoli asks if James smokes. Okay? If, in your version of the movie, if, in the watch that you undertake, he says yes,

smoke him if you got him. That's a new rule. Smoke him if you got him.'s a new rule smoke him only then if you got him if Zicoli asks James to smoke and James says yes smoke him if you got him and here's a little tip

from the top everybody as someone who is vaguely familiar with the inner workings and machinations of where are your friends this scene this occurrence

it's more likely than not to crop up week in, week out. True, words have never been spoken, Guy Montgomery. From my experience, I can back up what he's saying. Very, very occasionally will they leave out that scene. And I'll tell you what, it's very satisfying for you to catch him napping. Only if you're playing the drinking game, it won't be,

because even if you have him, you will not yet be allowed to smoke him you gotta keep your focus james reed offers zicoli a drink if zicoli takes the drink drink your drink drink our drink drink some beer or whatever zicoli needs a lift don't worry though somaly's driving so that means you can finish the beer you're on which if you're me was either beer number two or beer number three i can't remember at this point in time but i like that reasonably early in the film if you find out that in your viewing of the film if you find out in your particular watch that Captain Sidestream is the man who invented Instagram, I say celebrate that revelation with a touch of whatever you got. A little beer of beer.

You know? That's what I reckon. Absolutely. Sorry, I'm about to do a sneeze. But it turned into a little cough. I'm going to do it. No, I'm not. Am I?

Who's to say? I agree, Tim. Isn't the human body just a confusing thing? It's a real mess. There's a real mess of stuff happening down there. There truly is, isn't there? Could we streamline it, perhaps, do you think? Like, you know how you sneeze,

and that's to get rid of, I don't know, I guess, you know, bad stuff that's coming in your nose and your body detects it, and it's like, whoa, we don't want any of this dust and, you know bacteria and whatnot sneezes it out chuck it in a poo you know what i mean we've already got an exit strategy for stuff we don't want dude i've been saying it for years make it one hole hashtag send it south you know hashtag make it one hole. I don't understand why I've got all these superfluous holes. How many holes have we broken? We've got nostrils, one, two.

Ears, one, two. So we're up to four. We've got a mouth, that's five. We've got an anus, six. We've got a urethra, seven. We've got a... Belly button. Obviously everyone's belly button.

Belly button's about a half so my belly button goes all the way through jesus for a male you've got between seven and a half or eight if you're guy montgomery holes like do we need them all i don't think so let's figure out a way to make let's figure out a way to make whatever the ear's doing we'll chuck that into the nose function and whatever the nose is doing with expulsion we'll let the anus do that so maybe we turn two we turn two ears into the nose two nostrils into one okay hear me out the the other superfluous nostril activity is now happening through the anus so we've got one nostril that's one hole we've got a mouth that's essential it seems to

me we need that for eating that's two uh we got an anus that's three and if you're going montgomery you need a whole hole uh for your belly button but most dudes there's three and a half holes oh and you know you've still got your urethra okay i always forget that one four and a half to five holes max if you're a dude surely what. What I'd love to hear, Tim, you can keep packing them down. Let's get it down to hashtag make it one hole. Make it one hole just seems tremendously difficult because you're wanting to pick up a bit of hearing with your ears and a bit of smelling with your nose.

And to put that all through the same hole that you're shitting out of just seems, you know, sometimes in this life you can get too efficient and i feel like that might be about our limit of where we get to with that wow we folks over here make it one hole couldn't disagree more tim but that's your opinion and you're entitled to it how guy i want you i want to put the reins into your hands how would you recommend that make it one hole undertakes its single orifice strategy? You've got to send it four and a half to five holes, okay?

First thing you're going to need to do, fill in your belly button. That is doing nothing for nobody. Just fill it in. Get some concrete, whatever's lying around. Silt, if you have any. Glue's fine. Hair, loose hair, sure. fill that hole okay okay we're now down

to four holes your urethra that's just that's just doing the you know i'll tell you where that that fluid and that liquid could be used out the back okay so push that in cover that up with some plaster sellies no more gaps or whatever. So you've smoothed out the front. You've pushed all the wee so it starts coming out the back. Can I chuck one thing at you, though? Where does your ejaculate come out in your proposal? Dude, you've completely rewired the human body.

Your bone is happening inside your body now, poking towards your butthole. Your ejaculate comes out your butthole. Oh, my God. Okay. Far out. That's how we impregnate women now? I mean, if reproduction is part of what you're going for, the one whole movement might not be for you.

In biology, if reproduction is what I'm going for, yeah, sometimes those streams cross. Yeah, every now and then. Okay. Well, all I'm telling you is that, you know, read the fine print before you sign the forms. The mouth? Who needs a mouth?

Look at this beautiful, expressive... I'll stop you there for a hot minute. I mean, a couple of things come to mind and the first two are talking and eating, you know? So... Oh, man. You've got so much good stuff happening down there now. You've built such an interesting and beautiful hole. Why not just relocate the mouth, take your lips off, sure.

Put your esophagus in there. Your esophagus will actually make quite a nice coat for a penis. Oh, boy. This is getting very human-centered all of a sudden too grisly very graphic highly biological intensely not where not where i thought i'd be at tonight but you know what i'm glad i came you know what i'm not disappointed i'm here hey actually guys should i continue with the drinking rules yeah yeah that sounds great man somaly is drinking club soda

you don't need to drink club soda though because you're a big boy so have a big boy drink have a little beer of beer so by this point we're in the we're in the we're the party obviously guy amazing we're at james reed's party and uh in light of that did you just find out that dubstep is 70 beats per minute and house music sucks massively do you know how i like to celebrate that you will have what's that there's nods on chance you will have discovered that at the house party zicoli is doing everything but bloody printing out flyers and distributing them, telling him exactly that. That would be very funny if you got some merch printed out that just says, Dubstep is 70 BPM, house sucks.

Celebrate that revelation with a drink, everybody. That's what I like to do when I find stuff out about where are your friends. I just like to celebrate with a beer Next up on the agenda Zuccoli and Skrill Are having a smoke So guess what everybody Smoke them if you got them

If you got them get rid of them And do that by smoking them That's right don't throw them away That's not what Tim's trying to encourage It's never been my plan It's never been my intention to throw them away. If you've got them, consume them. It's the Zicoli dance, everybody.

Everybody just wave your hands. And if you look like a bit of a chicken and everybody's fucking in a bed behind you, then you're doing the Zicoli dance definitely correctly because I saw it again this week. And I tell you what, guy, it never goes away. Definitely correctly because I saw it again this week. And I tell you what, guy, it never goes away. That weird viewpoint of seeing two people fucking in bed behind Zicoli slow motion chicken dancing, that is weird every week.

I like to celebrate that with a bit of beer, personally. Why wouldn't you? Good stuff. Next up, we made it to the festival, everybody. We're in Las Vegas, Nevada. So I recommend you smoke them if you got them because we are here to deal drugs. I've made myself one of the boys. Undoubtedly. You've got to burn the evidence.

If you've got coppers knocking on your door, the best way to shake them off your tail, smoke them if you got them. I heard a delightful story when i first um i used to work in uh for a radio station guy you might know i actually worked for a few radio stations back in the day not that long ago to me and my first job my first full-time professional job when i worked in radio was uh for a station that played uh it's what's usually referred to as golden oldies music which is like real good fucking rock music from the 60s and 70s and the

guy that i worked for a man named kevin black who tragically has since passed away much before his prime uh i got to work with him and it was a real delight because that dude was a real legend of new zealand broadcasting and he told me a delightful story one morning when we were working on his show I was his producer for a short time about Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones

ever heard of them? apparently this is true apparently this is true so Mick Jagger was in his hotel room and someone ran up and banged on the door tour manager whatever i can't remember the finer details and said mick the police are here the police are here and mick jagger flashed all his drugs down the toilet and what the person was actually trying to communicate is that sting and the police were staying on the same floor of the hotel with him.

And like, did he want to kind of come and hang out? Always tickled me, that little anecdote of rock and roll history. Yeah, well, it would. You'd be devastated if all you want to do is take a bunch of drugs with Sting and the police. Yeah. I mean, talk about a bloody miscommunication. That's very caperish.

101, right? That is a classic French farcece if ever i've heard one so anyway we're in the hotel finished that beer that's the instruction that i've written there and that's the beautiful moment when our two star-crossed lovers zicoli and somaly uh hand in hand running through the gorgeous city of love that is las vegas nevada everyone knows it's the most romantic town in the world. And they're getting to their big garish gold-plated hotel. Celebrate that young love by finishing whatever beer you're up to. At that point for me, four, I think. Three or four. And then I've only got two notes left

because as I mentioned before, I started to taper off and lose a bit of energy by the end. The first one, or the second to last one, rather, the penultimate instruction is just party time, finish your beer. I guess that's when the boys move into their brand new abode, you know? Soundproof the walls. Well, yeah, I'd say that's right, Tim. But before that, you've also got several names being used they go for a trip to the sushi joint uh when it gets depressing in there they go get sushi before then so there's you're going to be having little nips of beer

uh so there's i mean and that's the beauty of the the the the subtlety and the detail of the game you've built here tim is it really cat caters to everyone's needs the whole way through. I was going for that, and I'm glad that you saw that. I appreciate you appreciating me. I'm glad you did it. I'm glad you did it. The last note that I have on my thing before I just pegged out entirely is Skrill has died.

Deal with it by smoking a little bit of drugs. And again, can't stress this enough, if it's PCP, that's a rose garden. That's not for you to consume. That's for the earth. That's for the soil. Well, you have brought that up to me, Tim, but certainly no one listening at this point

will know exactly what you're talking about. And they never will. I'm just saying PCP's main use for my money is as a rose garden accelerant and nothing else it's not for human consumption it's not a it's not what it's there absolutely not do you know it's specifically good for rose gardens or are you just sort of providing anything listen taking it i'm not a botanist per se so I am going by gut here, but that's my assumption. Do you have a shining light, Guy?

Because that's all my drinking rules. Darn. Didn't he do well? Didn't he do well? Yeah, he did really well. My shining light, if I may, was probably at the Looking Pool party in the midst of Ziccoli distributing his flyers

explaining why certain types of music play out at certain times and house music stinks. He's talking about transitioning the speed of the music up and there's like a graphic that comes up on screen which says 125 and it changes to 126 beats per minute. Do you know what I'm talking about, Tim? I know exactly what you're talking about because he's trying to get it up to that magic number

in that moment we see a sort of medium close-up of a woman's hips and legs dancing and she's wearing sort of greeny maybe turquoisey um shorts denim cutoffs And poking out of the left leg is like the entire business end of a jeans pocket. Yes, I actually know exactly what you're talking about. Yes. They're like Daisy Dukes that she's wearing, right? Yeah, yeah. But they're showing the pocket underneath the short.

Yeah. And bold choice. That's a thing. One that I creatively and sartorially disagree with, but good on them for making some brave decisions. Dude, that's not that brave. That's fully a thing. That is a thing in fashion.

I've seen it. Pocket showing. Hey? No, you don't want to show your pockets. You do not want to be seen with your pockets out. Go Montgomery. We got to go to the club more often because that is so very much a thing. This is an established norm of 2017.

People are out there with their pockets penetrating the line of flesh that we can see. It's going down. Put them back in is what I say. Put them back in because no one wants to see that. No one needs to see your pockets. I trust you've got them. You don't need to prove it. You sound like Stephen, guy.

You're growing into your dad. I'm not growing into my dad. Look, pockets are a private business. I can't stand having stuff in my pockets. When I was a kid, I never had any cool stuff because I didn't want to put it in my pockets. Really? What about cool rocks and stones and things?

Like a nice shell. I'd have to borrow my friend's rocks and stones because I wouldn't carry them around in my pockets. Oh, bloody. You had a deprived childhood and it's led on to a very conservative adulthood where you won't accept pockets falling out of daisy jerks, you know? It's a problem. Look.

It's a little issue. It's minor, but for me, the fact that they did it at all, that they exported the seedy underbelly of pockets, for me, was the shining light this week. What about you, Tim? So you like that they dipped their oar into that lake of inequity.

Inequity. Dang it. Den of inequity. Den of inequity. Inequity. Dang it. Den of inequity. Den of inequity. Like I said, Tim, it was brave. It's one that I creatively and sartorially disagree with, but I'm glad they went there. Guy, my shining light's really going to blow you away this week, okay? Are you ready for it?

Yeah, absolutely. You know how there's four fuckboys? Yeah. There's five. There's a fifth beetle bro no no no no no not at all when we are at the introductory speech the pep talk delivered by page to the boys where they first get into uh um that's uh gold star reality solutions dick full of diamonds 23 minutes into the film jesus all right yeah when we're there okay neither of us have ever picked this up before in addition to our four fuck boys who are receiving that speech there's a fifth dude and we've never seen him before he is on the the left bit of the screen and he's sitting with the guys

and he's the only other person receiving that speech in addition to the fuck boys there is five guys there four of them we know one of them we've not met before oh my goodness and i from there on in watching the rest of the film i like to think that that same dude is there the entire time just a tiny little bit out of frame undoubtedly uh that's almost exactly what would happen i mean of course it is because he had he he's in that awkward situation where he hasn't quite passed through to the social group yet but he hasn't been culled or expelled. He doesn't have a lot else going for him. He's just moved to Los Angeles. So, of course, you're going to hang around on the fringes

of what seem like a group of fun-loving young guys. Grab hold. If you find a lion who's out of control, grab onto his mane and ride him. Ride him to freedom. Social freedom. This is what that guy's done. This metaphor didn't work as well as I thought it would, but I gave it a God's honest try no you did and that's a great observation it's certainly

another interesting wrinkle as we sort of work towards wrapping this thing up another character whose life may go on you know maybe him and squirrel in the sequel um become friends you know we know squirrel survives do we yeah yeah he speaks at the end of the film this is the moment before it starts which is a classic teaser move from the the movie people to say squirrel the revenge of squirrel the guy's name is doug guy this is important to me rise of the squirrel with doug. The fifth Beatle is Doug. Doug and Squirrel fighting the world together. Doug and Squirrel at it again. Oh, man, I've got to say, you know I love these little details.

I'm very glad that you saw that. I can't wait to look out for it next week. Let me tell you something else about Doug, guy. He's one of three children. He's a middle child. He was brought up in a uh a baptist upbringing but not too hard out which is you know unusual but his father's father was a baptist minister his father was the youngest of five children didn't quite buy into it all so he sort of got the ceremonies and the rituals of baptism uh but not quite living with it in his heart his mother is and you'll love this a

scientist and this is the kind of scientist she is she's an anthropologist. She studies, on a macro scale, human development. Running around, born in Africa, spreading to the other continents. You know, that's what I'm talking about. That's what she studies. And this kid is the product of a very tepidly warm Baptist and a woman of science and Doug he's fallen on hard times because he got

involved in a very big way in the dot com boom not himself, he's a bit of a moron but his friends around him he befriended a lot of people who were also quite socially awkward, found it hard to make friends and those people insert uh just a quick uh jolt of backstory into why doug struggled so much in social situations tim yeah uh it would obviously because his older brother who he really

respected and looked up to growing up and aspired to be like they'd play together you know night after night they'd throw a ball back and forth. They'd brainstorm harebrained schemes to make a quick buck over the summer holidays. And after his first year of junior high, after he'd sort of developed a bit of a crack in the throat and grown a pubic here, he was kidnapped and has since been held hostage inside of a club. Wow. Whereby he's not allowed to be released until discovered by a family

member yeah fuck it's a real tragedy to be honest it's sad breaks my heart really does so there's doug you know just living his life um trying to move on with things after his brother the weird thing about doug's brother is that his birth name is clubman and it never made sense until a really formative event happened in his life where he got kidnapped and then it suddenly makes perfect sense but up until there it's like we all grow into our names, you know? Don't we? That's beautiful, Tim. Anyway, that dude, he's my shining light, Doug. God bless Doug. Wow.

What a journey he's on. He's on a trajectory of mediocrity, and I'm very keen to follow it for the coming weeks. Absolutely. To quote Ted Danson in the ever-popular romantic comedy acting opposite Julianne Moore, When Harry Met Seattle, I'll have what he's having. Nailed it. God damn, did you nail all of that.

So, Guy, it might be time for a little bit of a musical interlude if you're ready for it. Oh, certainly. Strap into them. I'm excited five beautiful stuff do you know what i'd love i'd love to find my harmonica wherever it is i bought a harmonica years ago and i know it's in this room somewhere. I can't play it, but I can breathe into it, and it makes a sound.

Do you, by chance, have a set of bongos in there as well, Tim? You know I do. Do you have any weed-smoking paraphernalia? I can neither confirm nor deny, except to say that I do. Are you an absolute stone-cold hit at all the summer Kiwi barbecues you attend? I attend none of them, eh? That's the funny thing about me. Summertime, get me in the office.

You know, that's my prime working season. That's when I like to get solar-powered up for about half an hour in the morning and then get into an office and just lay into some spreadsheets. You get solar-powered up? That's my way how so i run i'm i run on photosynthesis pardon most human beings metabolize food complex carbohydrates whatnot into sugar not how i operate i get a little bit of sugar from the environment i get a lot of water and then i get sunlight and much like superman i i am powered by earth's yellow sun that is how i

construct my energy and go about my business i'm so sorry you're thinking all uh days and weeks months years of hanging out together i would have cottoned on to this quite significant detail. Or do you hide it from people? It's my cross to bear. That's how I look at it. So I don't need to involve other people in it. I'm not a martyr. But the real thing we're here to discuss...

Hey, Tim. Yeah? You've always got someone to talk to. Thank you, Guy. The thing is, James Reid from the feelers a very good new zealand band has handed a box with a macbook pro size something in it to zicoli the film's hero yeah the thing of it is it's a a really, really, really big harmonica, physically. And the reason why it's a self-serving gift is that James Reid from The Feelers

has always known that in his four-piece New Zealand Top 40 rock band, there's always been one piece of instrumentation lacking. Has he got drums? Yes. Has he got lead guitar? Yes. Has he got bass guitar? Yes. Has he got vocals yes has he got lead guitar yes has he got bass guitar yes has he got vocals you better believe it but you know what he's missing a fucking mouth organ so what he's done is he's overshot it and he's constructed a mouth organ four times the normal length of any harmonica you've seen in your life. And it covers a far greater, how do you say, range of notes, you know, than a normal harmonica.

And the song that he wants is a colleague to learn and play for him at Summerfest this coming summer. Sounds a little something like this. You get that, Tim? Loud and clear, bro bro loud and fucking clear oh boy oh lord yes absolutely it's it's jurassic park but not as you know it that's the name of that track fantastic oh boy there you go i know this sounds silly but if someone could hit that note perfect like if someone could replicate what you just played into the microphone if someone could hit that note perfect, like if someone could replicate what you just played into the microphone, if someone could hit that at a party with a mouth organ,

I'd be more impressed than hearing like a sterling note perfect rendition of Jurassic Park by John Williams, the legend himself. I couldn't agree more. Hey, Tim. I'm going to get ready. I've got to go and perform stand-up comedy to the people with Gerald's in West Australia. Yes, you do, you dirty dog. And you want to know why we're under the pump?

Because you fucked up, Guy Montgomery. And it's okay because I've fucked up many times in the past. And it was about time that you dropped the ball to be honest with you i did drop the ball i was heartbroken but this has been a lifting conversation i feel better for it um i hope you're well we'll be speaking together soon i'm sure i've got a chest infection and i'm feeling nervous about an upcoming project but otherwise i'm fine yeah you got a lot um you got a lot on at the moment tim not as much as i i had previously though so it's all right this comparatively is gonna be tim's gonna be a big star everybody gonna be a

big star you watch me i feel like this podcast is gonna sink whatever opportunity i have in the future and i love that about this podcast. Never get too big for your boots, Tim, because you've always got the worst idea of all time episodes to bring you back to ground. You are like Icarus. Never fly too close to the sun, for you will burn and fall into the ocean. Well, on that uplifting note, I bid you adieu. Follow Guy Montgomery online, everybody, and go and see his shows.

And also, I exist. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're thirsty for another, why not try The Male Gaze? The Wizard of Oz is a real, you-could-tell movie, if your kid is really into it. Well, that'd be where the phrase, friends of Dorothy, comes from.

Or is that just because people with Judy Garland had lots of gay friends? No, well, both, probably. Yeah. It's just so interesting. I mean, the movie's camp, but not kind of camp in the way that, like, Priscilla, the Queen of the Desert's camp. Yeah.

But I guess it's about that sort of young girl, lost in... I think it's camp in almost the exact same way as Priscilla, the Queen of the Desert. The Lollipop guild Is not canned All of the prominent roles Are women in like Iconic dresses It's just that in Brazil It's men as women

In dresses