The Worst Idea Of All Time - Forty One - Kidnapping

Episode Date: April 30, 2017

Sponsored by ComedyFestival.co.nzRecorded in a kitchen because someone lost their keys to the podcast studio; It's TWIOAT! In this episode, the man known as Guy Montgomery's dark and hidden past is alluded to. As is Tim's dark centre. The boys have many announcements this week; Such as WE NEED MORE SQUIRRELS, and WE NEED LESS JOHNNY DEPP. A new, not-quite-new segment is (re)introduced involving a grandfather clock. Plus Spindly won a fridge.Trailer: Boners of The Heart Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for downloading this Little Empire podcast. This show has a real-life, live-record event that you can come to in Auckland, New Zealand during the NZ International Comedy Festival powered by Flick Electric Co. Deets and tickets at comedyfestival.co.nz. You're gonna play that dastardly intro again. Intro, intro, intro, intro, intro, intro. Ow! This movie's still fine.

It's a cold-headed bastard. One of them dies, that guy's a squirrel. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. I agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Hey man.

What's up? Just had a lovely pee. Welcome everyone to episode 41 of season 3 of a podcast by the name of The Worst Idea of All Time. I'm one of the co-hosts of said show. Its name is Tim Batt. My name is Guy Montgomery, tethered at the hip, as always, to my constant companion. In a good way.

And foil, Tim Batt. Nah man, that bear fridge is really firing up oh she goes like the clappers it's an intense sound and i can't help but feel that it is drawing an exceptional amount of power we're coming to you live from my kitchen because i have lost my house keys and locked myself out of the podcast studio that's great that's really good start um this is uh i'm working with tim at the moment we're working on a project together and lock myself out of the podcast studio. That's great. That's a really good start. I'm working with Tim at the moment. We're working on a project together,

and it's hard work and it's good work, and Tim is in charge of production elements. I'm the producer of the project. It's a TV project. Well, it's a web project for a TV play. That's correct. And Tim sent out an email tonight. We've had a few big work days. We've got another big one tomorrow.

Tim sent out an email tonight. We've had a few big work days. We've got another big one tomorrow. Tim sent out an email to the cast and crew. The guy in charge of production that reads, in all likelihood, I won't be able to do a call shoot for tomorrow. Sorry. Don't have the time tonight. And then some information. And then the end of the email.

Also, I've lost my car keys, grey knitted hoodie and small black Sennheiser earphones. If anyone's seen any of the things, let me know. Thanks, Tim. It's fine number, which reads so much less

like a production email and so much more like a cry for help. It's because we're on day four of it or something now. We've all become fast friends and I feel like I can ask them for my keys. Except the people who are only coming on the... It doesn't matter. Yeah.

It's not important. Sorry. Yeah. Just thought it was funny. It is funny. It's a funny thing. And it's... I just love to laugh, Tim.

Yeah, I know you do. I've been getting that sense. I saw you in Melbourne doing a lot of laughter, and I'm seeing you do it all again here, it warms the cockles of my heart hey how are you going me yeah yeah i'm good i'm really good thanks what would you say about our screening if we are your friends that we just had highly disrespectful we're in the kitchen there's a lot of noise not only that but i just we've been shooting for about 12 hours today and i just we walked in the door or rather i came home and you came home about two minutes after me to my place and i just pulled my laptop out and a bluetooth speaker i said right this is it and then just turned the movie on yeah we haven't paid a

great amount of um well i said i said you know reverence yeah we locked down to the studio i said we could put this on. We'd go to my place, watch it on a couch, put it on a TV. And you said, let's just do it. And you flopped down your tablet. You put it on top of a giant mason jar. You keep on your kitchen table. Yeah.

You put a Bluetooth speaker under it. You put some, you know, nachos. But it's still the movie, isn't it? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. But I just think because of the setting, it was very difficult to feel like we were really...

Not as involved, the word, surrounded, immersed. Immersed is the word. Yeah. Never fully immersed in the world of the film. No. Well, some weeks we get right up in there to the point we're in the upside down. That is, we are your friends.

And then other weeks it's an impenetrable fortress, which we cannot gain access to for we do not have the key, for we lost the key and now must request that the cast and crew search through their pockets to find it. That's what I liked about the movie this week. Watching it closely, a lot of people combing around in the bushes, just a lot of extras working hard trying to find those keys. Looking for Tim's keys.

And it's about time someone did. I haven't seen you move a bloody finger to look for his keys. Last time I said I'd scour for your keys, it took me two years. Two years of my life gone for a set of keys that were in your back pocket the whole time. Yeah, but that discredits everything that happened while you were looking for those keys. You started a family. Yeah, and you draggedredits everything that happened while you were looking for those keys. You started a family. Yeah, and you dragged my name through the mud while I did it. Yeah, but you emerged a stronger person

and now you know how to take it on the chin a bit better than before. A stronger person, but the mental toll and emotional turmoil that you put me through in those two years is... Not everyone realises this, but Guy Montgomery was not his original name. That is a moniker that he has adopted after his original name was, as he rightly points out, dragged through the mud by yours truly, Tim Batt, a man who has retained his birth name.

Because no one has treated me like I've treated the man you now know as Guy Montgomery. I was put inside of a witness protection program under the name of Guy Montgomery. I was put inside of a witness protection program under the name of Guy Montgomery. Within two months, Tim had found me, kidnapped me, taken me away from my family, my beautiful family, and started this podcast. And if I had to do it all again, I would.

In a heartbeat. I've sort of come to terms with it all, but just the emotionlessness, it's how callous you are about what you did I think that's what still irks me if anything does and by the way dude don't get up at me with this

I looked at the world and the state of events that was happening and I thought to myself the world needs a podcast from me and the guy who's now going by the name Guy Montgomery because he freaked out in the witness protection program

when I asked him to get a new name. What do you want your new name to be? Oh, man. Oh, wait, that's not a name. Oh, Guy. Fucking look at you now. Bet you regret that. Is that how you define me?

Because you just thought of what you thought would be the stupidest name and that's what you think of me? Well, yeah. And I mean, some people, when they've got a stupid name they sort of grow into it but you picked yours you're a fucking moron i gotta tell you it's really hard hearing all of this now usually we've been sort of um united and railing against the film but i guess sometimes when you can't break into the world of the film we turn on ourselves usually we haven't you know

delved into the past history, which we don't usually speak of for certain reasons. I think legal reasons would be the main one. You're going to get in a lot of trouble if we put this one out. I realise that, but now it's open. I mean, we both are, man. I want to ask how your family is.

So I will. How is your family? Would that I could, but you know, I can't contact them. That was your decision. Yeah. So it seems really mean-spirited. As I say, mean-spirited for you to ask me that question

when you know that it's specifically the one thing I want that you are blocking me from being able to do. It's pretty funny. It's like punching someone in the arm and then going, hey, how's your arm? How's your left arm? I just hit you. It is a lot like that.

And that my arm is sort of my emotional well-being going hey how's your arm how's your left arm i just hit you there's a lot like that and that my arm is sort of my emotional well-being and also you know the physical and mental well-being of my family the people i love the most if that was my arm and the punch was sort of you you know fuck you do a lot of talking don't you oh my god never in the three years I've spent attached to you, have I been so deeply offended and disrespected by the treatment you are giving me. I open up on the podcast for the first time, like you asked me to do.

You wanted to talk about this stuff. And now you just, you keep knocking me down. I asked you to talk about it because I thought it'd be good for both of us. I thought it'd be good for you. I thought it'd be good for both of us I thought it would be good for you I thought it would be good for me but apparently it's not it's gotten toxic

I feel like you're gaslighting me Tim Baird I really do but what is gaslighting you know ultimately that even in and of itself feels like part of the broader gaslight is gaslighting just to confuse someone really it seems like something millennials have grabbed and become a big fan of part of the broader gaslight. Is gaslighting just to confuse someone, really?

It seems like something millennials have grabbed and become a big fan of, but it basically just means to confuse someone. Am I more or less on the right track here? Look, I don't really have time to get down to the semantics of gaslighting when you've opened up all of these old open wounds and sores. I'm putting my hand up and saying, I don't think anyone fully knows what they're talking about

when they keep banding around this team gaslighting. You've changed the topic of conversation from the family, which you've brought up. Should I turn the fridge off? No, it's okay. All right. It is keeping three beers cold, so that's always a good use of what I imagine

to be a phenomenal amount of power. Yeah, I think you could probably fit up to 60 beers in that fridge it is a beer fridge actually I won that fridge funny story it's a um Carlsberg branded fridge that's got a green fluorescent light that shines through it's like a like you see in the bar it's like a display fridge and I won it because I was at the supermarket with Nick Sampson when I lived with him many moons ago, who you might know from the Walkout Boys podcast. Enemy podcast.

And we were at New World and doing some grocery shopping and there was a competition to win a Carlsberg fridge where you just had to drop your receipt in with your name and your number and your address on the back. And I said, you know what? I'm going to enter that because no one ever enters these competitions. They think they're made up and fake. So I put my docket in and I won the bloody fridge.

That is awesome. Yeah. Man, it's sort of similar to when I won an ant farm from the Georgie Pie Colouring In competition, but that was actually graded on merit, so I had to put time and effort into what I did. Are you gaslighting me, you son of a bitch? No, I'm just comparing experiences.

Oh, okay. Damn it, I've still not got it. Did you seriously win an ant farm? Yeah, I did. I didn't know we had them in New... This sounds weird. I didn't know we had them in New Zealand. I know that they're not...

Ants. Ant farms have always struck me like sea monkeys as being a very American thing you see on TV, but you don't really experience it in real life. Well, funnily enough, I raised a family of sea monkeys in my ant farm. They were very confused. I'm pretty sure you just told me we weren't allowed to talk about that family. There are certain legal obligations.

That was the family I grew up with. That was before. Oh, that was your first family. The family we can't talk about is your second family. The family that you're preventing me from speaking with. Working on a third. All right. Guys having sex, everyone.

I just want to let you know. So the movie this week on its 41st watch is appearing tissue thin. Not a great plot to grip you. Not a lot of good visual accompaniment to capture your gaze. I was listening to an interview with a director whose name I forget recently on the radio. And they were talking about how... Oh, actually, it was in light of... Oh, my God, this is so bad.

A very famous director died. I can't remember his name or the movie he's most famous for who died this week like way before their time in his late 50s I don't know who that was either Jane have you been reading the paper do you see that director who died this week

do you know who I'm talking about yeah exactly there's a man asking you what director I don't know it doesn't matter hi Jane or so it's good to see you in the kitchen here in the flat hey jane this is where the flatmates come so he was saying flatmates come this is the shared living area you're too right and he was sort of uh one of these famous directors was quoting conversation with this recently passed director i can't remember

any details yeah who was saying that you know in a movie you've got to always have something for the eyes the eyes are the organ that take in a movie and you've got to always in every part of the film every second you gotta you gotta have stuff for the eyes to do to be to be drawn to seems simple but they very much ignored that in this film. I didn't know that. I mean, it sounds so simple to almost be a truism. When you're dealing with a movie, you want to give people something to look at. Well, but it's deeper than that, isn't it?

It's like at all times, there should be visually interesting things happening, not just every now and then put a pretty shot in the mix. You know? It should be every frame. Every 1 24th of a second should be picture perfect. Man, that sounds like a lot of work. And I think my attitude is certainly the attitude

that was taken to by the people involved in the movie making process this week. Not that lofty. What I've got for you to begin with, Tim, just a minor grievance really this is just perfect this is a scrape against jahid's personality which is really such an unfair thing to do because you know of course he's got his he's got his problems we all got our problems but um his mantra the old don't bro me if you don't know me

just really struck me as a negative way to walk into any social situation. Too right. I just couldn't help but feel like we could be watching a different movie. If only he would sort of approach people with a laid-back and friendly demeanour. Probably something more along the lines of what Squirrel operates.

Just sort of quite a, you know, relaxed, genial dude. The world could do with a few less jarheads and a few more squirrels. Which, if you just say the sentence out loud, seems quite odd. Yeah. Like, what is a jarhead? I don't even know in the real world. I just think in the movie.

I'd just like to see one with two squirrels and no jarheads. Yeah, I like that. Okay. Yeah. Two squirrels, no jarhead. One half of the Johnny Depp that we've got and half more zicoli so we got 1.5 times the amount of crying dj that we've signed up for currently half i'll go i'll hold i'll go small side of johnny depp and grind into can you please get

me two mains of squirrel and i'm swapping one of my jar heads out for another Skrill. So we're coming out even. I'm not adding to the dish, I'm swapping it. Yeah, yeah. But the fusion you've created is half the personality and physicality of Zicoli and half the physicality and mentality of Johnny Depp. A perfect fusion.

Well, I guess that's one way to do it, yeah. I mean, I was thinking more zombie-like. I mean, look, that's better than what I was thinking. I'll's one way to do it yeah I mean I was thinking more zombie like I mean look that's better than what I was thinking I'll be the first to admit it what were you thinking? I was thinking just more of Zoccoli like a half again

or whatever screen time Johnny Depp's got cut it in half give it to Zoccoli I see and then leave that other half to Johnny Depp but I like where your head's at I like where your head's at man

a Dragon Ball Z style fusion has taken place of a character who is betwixt Zicole the crying DJ and Johnny Depp but you're saying

we just gotta write them out we need more screen time for Squirrel okay here's what I'm thinking now four Squirrels

running around just running around with an inability to get into poles imagine seeing four people fuck up getting into a pole at once, that's a good movie that was one of the few

that was a good laugh that Jarhead provided this week when they were jumping to the pool and Jarhead does a cool flip they're all in quite good nick these boys and then Squirrel's going to be the last one and just adr like out of shot jarhead shouts out hey squirrel do a backflip which coupled with the image of squirrel struggling to get his pants off before he can make it into the pool like they cut

they cut on a great musical cue as the song comes in with a particular beat to cut to six hours from now where the party's heaving but the the last thing in with a particular beat to cut to six hours from now with the parties heaving but the last thing we see is Squirrel about to fucking nail himself on that hard hard concrete. And for Jarhead to know full well that Squirrel's not a very competent athlete and for him to even

get into the pool without falling down would be an achievement of titanic proportions to suggest that he attempt a backflip on the way in. It's pretty funny, eh? It's like, I mean, this is a way meaner version of it, but it's like throwing your car keys at a blind guy, you know? That is a lot meaner.

Yeah, it's a more mean-spirited version of it. He's really showing the seedy underbelly of Tim Batt this week. He's got a dark core, I'll tell you that. He sure does. He's an a dark core, I'll tell you that. He sure does. He's an enigma wrapped in a riddle, smothered in contradiction with a deep, dark centre. Wowee. Of love.

But dark love. But specifically dark love. What was I going to say? Oh, it's going to be great, but it's hard to remember, isn't it? Oh, it's a good note. What I like about that joke from Jarhead, that squirrel do a backflip, is that that rings true as a joke you would make amongst friends to me.

Yeah. You know, you'd say to the least athletic person when jumping into the pool, hey, do the most athletic thing a human can do. I get it, and I think whoever's listening gets it too. I think we're all on board. Do you get it? He's talking to you, listener. No, I'm looking man yeah yeah no i'm there i like that you're wearing your hat that i bought you from japan that's cool man i like that you've taken to that thanks yeah i really like the hat too although given the current climate of conversation

that we're having i feel like you're sort of saying that as like yeah i'm in your pocket like no not at all not at all can't a man just get a friend of his gift hat and then be happy when he wears it I tell you

I really love the gift I thought the gift was a lovely touch I'm more specifically referring to when you filled it with glue while we were watching

the movie tonight and said hey guy can you try this hat on again I've changed the size it's pretty good eh if by good you mean terrible look you love to laugh I love a gag you know we're pranking a good, you mean terrible. Look, you love to laugh.

I love a gag. You know, we're pranking, we're goofing. We're goofy guys pranking each other all the time. That's who we are. We're the pranksters. No, you're the prankster. I'm the victim. Do you know, I fucking hate practical jokes.

I honestly do. Do you not? Why do you hate them? I think they're a massive waste of time. It just aggravates me that there's people trying to do shit and there's fucking assholes who don't have anything better to do but think up elaborate Dennis the Menace schemes on their mates. That is the comedy of it.

Yeah, I know. The amount of time and effort is exactly where the laughs are wrought. It's like tarring and feathering someone who's walking down the street. That's not so much a prank, is it? I've flexed my prank as a medieval punishment for like an adulterer or something. Is that what that is? It's such a crazy way to tell someone off. I'm so tired at the moment.

Everything is just mixed up. It's so crazy. All right, well, you had sex with someone else's partner, so we're going to have to cover you in tar and put feathers on you. Feathers is so innocuous, too. That's the funny bit. Tar has to be so – it's like burning hot bitumen on your skin, just ruining the biggest organ you have.

You'd be in searing pain and then and then feathers is for the audience eh feathers is for the fucking crowd feathers is

feathers is capitalism at it's finest feathers is the people who put on the production being like we need to make some more money

we need showbiz baby and distributing feathers for five dollars a bag. Oh, you think big chucks in on this? No, I think big tar. But big tar wouldn't be bringing in the... Do you know what big tar's version of feathers would be?

More tar. We're going to tar and tar you. Big tar and big feather are in bed together. They are, man. One can't exist without the other. It's like the pharmaceuticals and the... If you're looking for oil, you've got to together. They are, man. One can't exist without the other. It's like the pharmaceuticals and the insurance. If you're looking for oil, you've got to look for the chickens, man.

Follow the chickens. I've always said that. Yeah, God. But the government, they just don't listen to our ideas. Let's stay in it. I gave you the opportunity to jump in the life raft, but let's get there.

You know, if you're wearing a tinfoil hat, the problem is that's going to amplify their ability to read your mind. What you need is a lead hat. That's why X-Men's so good, because they got that shit. Magneto's helmet isn't made of tin, because Professor Xavier will be able to get right. It'll make his job easier. You need a lead-based alloy to protect your thoughts from Uncle Sam.

That's what you require. Well, Tim, I would put one on if I could, but I've got this fucking hat. I know. From Japan glued down to my scalp. The joke's worth it for me. The joke's worth it for me. Plus, what thoughts is Uncle Sam going to be reading from your brain? Man, I wish Tim hadn't glued this hat to my head.

Or, man, I wish I could speak to my family who I love so dear and true. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Hello, listener. This is Tim Batt, interrupting your podcast to bring you a short ad that is only relevant to people in my home, New Zealand. If you're not in New Zealand, my apologies.

The NZ International Comedy Festival powered by Flick Electric Co. is happening from April 27 till May 21 and features literally every single Kiwi on this podcast network. There are many, many great live comedy shows happening, so if you enjoy this podcast, chances are you'll enjoy seeing them live. Go to comedyfestival.co.nz and buy tickets to some great shows now. That's comedyfestival.co.nz and buy tickets to some great shows now. That's comedyfestival.co.nz.

So we should probably continue talking about the movie We Are Your Friends. Well, I had an idea for a new segment which I thought of a month ago and we keep forgetting. Which is, what's happened in the bathroom? We ask it every week. We always have and we always will. Such are the rules of the game. As you know, Johnny Depp, he steps out in the morning of after the party. After the morning of after the party.

The morning after the party. The biggest party you can think of. Yeah. Whatever party you've got in your head, double it. And then cover it in tar and then another helping of tar. Yeah. That's right. And then put a glued cap on it.

Tim just bought a lot of stocks in tar after that conversation on his phone. That's why he sounded a little distracted. But the good thing is I'm wearing a lead containment unit so the stock market can't read my thoughts and short my stock. I've got it covered. Johnny Depp comes out of the bathroom and he says,

you, do not go in that bathroom. Have you guys seen that bathroom? Fuck, what does he say? And then he does like almost the whistle from the fantastic Mr. Fox. Isn't it like

you won't believe what's happened in that bathroom? And then he does like a hand across in that bathroom yeah it's and then he does like a hand across the neck gesture like what do you think is it and i'm just going to pause on that for a second we'll get into the segment momentarily what is up with the fact that we have not absorbed the script of this film because like we did it with grown-ups too to the point where we we like we got that movie we were there i think by 42 sex and city 2 i'm going to put down to duration this one feel and it was also the dialogue was so weird that it was quite hard to remember but

this one seems like we should be able to remember no it's a little bit harder i think because the pacing's different because grown-ups too is just so many get like just they throw as many gags at as possible it's just this constant noise kind of like me yeah the prankster i wouldn't call you do noise so much as like you know quite specific and hurtful crime yeah um it's good eh it's good stuff but yeah i think because there was so much happening all the time we sort of and also i don't know maybe maybe you know first love yeah that's true the first cut is the deepest but this one there's so like

there's so many there's all this music in between like these moody shots and like you know they try to at least attempt a style a visual style which means that I feel like

the script isn't as yeah that's true it's more it's moodier there aren't as many words to latch onto it's more feelings you need to have

there's fucking you've nailed it mate why thank you what a film buff because grown-ups 2 is ostensibly a comedy it was marketed as such so it's like very much about the dialogue sex and city 2 very like emotional drama well you know kind of comedy a dramedy yeah a lot of relationships what are relationships if not communication between people so it's all about the dialogue and And then this movie is just like, oh, you want to see some sexy people

and hear some cool kick-ass tunes? Here's those things. Yeah. We think. And then all the words are very second. Yeah. It's a later thought. Which is a shame because I feel like often

the dialogue in movies is one of the best bits. Yeah, and some. Not all of them. So, the segment. Yes. Johnny Depp comes one of the best bits. Yeah, and some. Not all of them. So, the segment. Yes. Johnny Depp comes out of the bathroom. Something terrible or disgusting or crazy is happening there the night before. You won't fucking believe what's happened this week in that bathroom.

I certainly won't. There's three people in there. Go on. They're all out cold. Oh my God. They've been drinking all night and they're asleep. Okay. But with such a deep sleep that they're snoring completely with their mouths open, all three of them, and they cannot be re-out.

What's the square meterage on this bathroom? The bathroom is a standard 4x4. 16 square meters. Not big. Not tiny. What's in it? Bathtub and shower combo. A vanity, which I would call smaller than usual And an ancient grandfather clock

So three people's going to be a real squeeze Yeah, one's up against the grandfather clock Is there a toilet in there? No That's in the toilet I see What about a bathroom, don't you understand? A lot of bathrooms have both

yeah you got me there so we've got one passed out person who's fallen asleep upright propped up against the grandfather clock which is insane because the thing chimes every hour do you know how hard it is to sleep past 11 when you're propped up against a grandfather clock 11 strikes yeah i imagine it would be you know phenomenally difficult the crazy thing is about putting it in the bathroom as well is it's the most reverb heavy room in the house so if you're in the shower at the strike of eight it's like this intolerable experience where water's beating on you you're waking, you're having a good time, and then it's just this fucking vibration just shattering your skeleton first thing in the morning. No, I mean, and that's, I think, what first struck me when you brought up the fact

the grandfather clock was in the bathroom. I thought, now that seems an odd design choice. Oh, man, I don't make apartments in LA. I just go to them sometimes. So we got two other people. One has slotted themselves into the combination bathtub and shower, one's just alcohol on the floor on the tiles now here's the fucking who would you who you're gonna got the most comfy spot out of those three probably the floor for monos the bathtub seems like a good choice but if you start doing the angles and

like measure how long you are versus the tub yeah i mean it's not gonna work comfy to have a nap in during the evening yeah but then no good for a night's sleep it's like a lazy boy yeah exactly and i mean listen i'm not trying to oversell how comfortable the guy on the tiled cold floor of a bathroom is but i'm just saying he's best off on the floor heading probably not there's no way i'm afraid not i'm afraid to say there isn't do you ever notice i just want to go back to this lazy boy thing. Yeah. In the afternoon, you can fall asleep on a lazy boy

for like up to three hours and it's fantastic. You ever tried sleeping overnight on a lazy boy? No. Everything that is uncomfortable about that chair reveals itself to you. So what's going on? What's happening?

It's just a different setting. Why are there kids loudly playing at nine o'clock at night? How old are you to let the kids play? It's just a different setting. Why are there kids loudly playing at 9 o'clock at night? How old are you to let the kids play? It's a Sunday. It's terrifying. I'm not, like, worried for them. I'm worried about them for me.

No, I think it sounds to me like you're agitated. It's like that movie The Warriors, because I'm worried, and they're little gangsters or something. They're just running around. Man, it's this sort of attitude which leads you to committing all of these heinous crimes. I haven't committed any recently, so it's all good. Are they little gangs in The Warriors? I'm not even sure if I've seen it.

No, I haven't. I think it's got the iconic one. Warriors. Yeah, come out and play. Which was famously appropriated by Day Harmo, New Zealand rap superstar. Riders, come out and play. Yeah, boy. Why haven't the New Zealand Vodafone Warriors used that?

It's excellent. What a great way to take the field. Just seems a little off-brand for mine. Back to the bathroom. We've got one. So here's the crazy bit. Yeah. Person in the bathtub

tart and feathered oh wow that's why johnny depp walked in and was like what the fuck and then walked back out and was like guys you will not believe what's happening there so it wasn't in reference to the fact that a grandfather clock was in the bathroom that's always been there that's his grandfather clock dude that's his grandfather johnny depp's granddad is a fucking upright wooden clock that chimes on the hour johnny we're so glad you've moved to the city would you like to come around for dinner i would love to do you mind if i bring my grandfather clock sure clock sounds nice the funny thing about my grandfather clock is he's also my grandfather. Doesn't say a lot, but I hear from him once every hour.

All great material. Oh, wow. That's what's going on in there. And to be fair, the boys wouldn't believe that if Johnny Depp could have finished explaining to them what was there, were it not for one dead squirrel. Which would have actually been fine if we had some spears in the movie like Guy and I have just recommended. Maybe they could try that next week. They would have had a slightly... Hey, Maximum Joseph, I know you're listening to the podcast, dude.

A lot of people on Reddit tagged you and told you of our endeavors. And people tag you on Twitter And they say Hey These bright boys You've got to give them a chance I know you're listening You've got to get More squirrel in next week Man

The thing is We just want to talk to you man That's the only reason We're doing this dude We just want to talk to you We've just got a few ideas We'd really like to talk to you Got a couple of concepts

I want to throw at you dude Would you just give us a chance Bro I just... You need to get in a room with us. And it is important. Oh, it's so important? I don't even know how...

You're going to laugh later that it's taken you this long. You're going to kick yourself. Yeah, you will. Also, if anyone else is listening, this is a bit of an SOS from me. I just want to squeeze in. I have been kidnapped by Tim. Hey, Nick. Welcome home.

People will remember Nick from... Hey, talk loudly. You're okay. Yeah, especially these mics won't even pick you up. You've got nachos. Yeah. Yeah. They're good, eh?

Nachos. Hi, guys. People will remember Nick from episode 29, season 1 of the podcast, where he featured as a snoring edition on the couch. Sorry, it was a method role. He prepared for it and executed it with... He's been preparing all his life. ...incredible professionalism.

It was actually, could I say, a real joy to work with. A real pro on set. You can say that. I could now say that about you, but I won't. Shame. Shame, Dick. Take that. Boom. Tar, dick. Take that. Boom.

Tar and feathers. We've got other business to attend to, of course. Sure do. James Reid from the feelers. Love him. The man about whom we have not spoke this week. Tim is falling asleep in his head. No, I'm all good.

Let's hit it up, bro. The feelers are my fave okay james reed my second favorite feeler who's your first oh dang i really set myself up for this one didn't i there's a moment where i was like maybe tim went to the trouble before this record of learning another feeler's name dude i don't know if you got the production email but i can't even find my fucking house keys at the moment. I'm at a loose end. But my favorite feeler would absolutely be Rames Feed from the feelers.

Ah, Rames Feed. Nope. Rames Cheat. Rames Cheat. cheat swing and a miss oh my god keep it together dude it's so hard to do right now okay here we go

five six seven oh yeah there's a song i forgot matchbox can we do it in uh can we do it in three four times can we do a waltz if you teach me

one two three two, three. Getting sentimental with James Reid. Too hard. It doesn't really fit. It was challenging. What's in the MacBook Pro box, you ask? A good question. Why it is a Matchbox 20 greatest CD.

He said you're only allowed to play Summerfest if you put the CD into the CDJ and play the album in its entirety. Can you name one song that's on there? 3AM. Baby. That one. Yeah.

Also, they sneakily put Santana and Rob Thomas' smash hit Smooth on there as a bonus track. Fucking hell. There's a lot of music out there, eh? Just in the world. Matchbox 20 are one of those bands that I put in a kind of anamorphous group of like 90s to sort of mid-2000s rock

that I sort of detest. Like if the radio's on, I won't change it for much, but I'll change it for Matchbox 20 as it comes on. You know, I'll sing along, man. I'm just going to tell you some of their other hit songs. lamb on me well i wish you would unwell i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell oh that's a good song actually but i really i think i only like that because i got to know the weird al yankovic version before the original good old weird out if you're gone baby it's time to come home oh uh ross how far we've come remember that one no well anyway suffice it to say it's a very generous gift until james reed

reveals his dastardly scheme which is you must play if you're on dj for me you must play the cd in its entirety at Summerfest. As a colleague said, but James Reid from the Feelers, people don't like Matchbox 20. No one's come to listen to a Matchbox 20 Great Assist CD. I fucking love this. And James Reid from the Feelers was like, I know, Zicole. Yes, it's a test.

It's a test of loyalty. This is brilliant. This is what cult leaders do. They get their second in command to go out in front of everyone and lie to them bold face they make them say something that is untrue as a test of their loyalty james reed is a he's a megalomaniac he's insane and he's got zicoly wrapped around his little finger man man And he's going to do it Zuccoli will do this He won't back down Yeah it's too intense I love that

That's great man How long A CD is it Do you think The Matchbox 20 Greatest Hits 70 minutes Yeah That'd be right

Fuck that's a long time For a Greatest Hits CD It's okay But when you think about the context Of playing it at Summerfest He also has to pretend to DJ The whole time Yeah fuck Oh painful you encounter

those videos online of like someone at a party djing and nothing's plugged in it's just a mixing desk with like no power going to it whatsoever are they put ons or are they genuine videos i think they they seem genuine enough to me there's enough of them that i'm sure some of them are there's often in a nightclub or something, and there's clearly just, you know, someone's put an iPod playlist on. That's great. But there's some fuckwit with, like, sunglasses on in the club

who's got the big oversized Dr. Dre headphones, you know, pretending to be mixing two vinyls, and it's just nothing's plugged in. You can see nothing's. There's no power gun in there. I like that. It's good fun. I like how vulnerable humans are.

He said giggling from his spaceship, plotting their demise. This is a real alien thing to say. I said from within my prison that you built for me. Yeah, well, thank God. I'm containing the alien menace in my very kitchen. Lured him in with a promise of nachos. You're gaslighting me. Stop saying it.

I don't like it. Can I say this? Yeah. That's all I've got time for. Absolutely. Me too. Let's go to bed. Hey, thanks for joining us.

If I get this out in time, come to the live show. Yeah, you definitely will. It's on Sunday. It's not this coming Sunday. I think it's... It's on Sunday the 14th of May at the Basement Theatre at 3 o'clock. Oh, we just did...

Here in Auckland City. We did the Burners of the Heart one, their live show at the basement today and it was awesome. So many people tuned up, like 100. I didn't get to see the show but I saw everyone coming in afterwards.

A lot of smiling faces. Yeah. A lot of smiling faces Yeah A lot of happy customers That's good to hear It was Yeah So come along to the live show Sunday

The 14th of May At the basement Everyone's doing them bro Yeah Walk out boys They've got a live show Come to that one too Please

Absolutely The male gays You betcha Not only are they male and gay They're also live at the basement Wow I don't know Look it up.

How do they fit it all in? Also, please come along to either of our respective stand-up comedy shows. I'm going to next week from May 2 to May 6. And on May 2, I start my show in Auckland. It's called Ladies and Gentlemen, and it stars Tim Batt as himself. Great. Great idea. Yeah.

When do you... And then we swap over, actually, don't we? But head along if you want information. Mine's called Let's Get In A Room because at guymontcomedy.com forward slash shows. I feel filthy. Filthy for doing a promo on this podcast. I've just got so many tickets to sell.

It's crazy. Mate, I feel you. Hey, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast product and I look forward to encountering you in the next one. We're hopefully going to be able to – oh, it probably won't be the next one. We're trying desperately to find a time

when we can carve out a good session to do the director's commentary because we don't take that responsibility lightly. Yeah, but we haven't quite found it yet. Rest assured it's coming, and also special guests, special treats, kisses, and hugs for all absolutely um and i'll just say this we normally say it on the friend zone but if you're giving on patreon

from the bottom of my heart and guys thank you so much love you guys we'll try and get more goodies for you bye-bye kisses This movie's still fine. There's a colleague, a pastor. One of them dies, that guy's a screw. One of them's a hottie, his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. I agree! Ah!

You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Thanks for listening to this Little Empire podcast. We've got live shows happening in the New Zealand International Comedy Festival powered by Flick Electric Co. So go to comedyfestival.co.nz and buy tickets now.

Meanwhile, if you enjoyed this show, maybe you should listen to Boners of the Heart with Rose Matifeo and Alice Sneddon. Basically on this podcast we speak on all things

about, you know, celebrities. People in the atmosphere, in the ether, that we would like to have sex with. And, I mean, not sex with. You know what? Make love. Or be in love with. Or go on a date. Or kiss for a bit.

I mean, it's not just sex. It's not just sex as well. Maybe sex but no kissing. Or maybe sex but no kissing or maybe kissing but no sex maybe sex but no kissing maybe only butt stuff pretty woman yeah oh just butt stuff yeah maybe only maybe only foot stuff