The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 108

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Tim reads old mail again but that's ok! We hear from Irish friends and Scottish friends! Canadian friends and New Zealand friends. A friend writes in with their own boner patrol from when they got too stoned at a swingers party and we're introduced to the Stamp Test, a medical exam to test for erectile dysfunction. Monty blows the lid on the epicentre of cocaine and polyamory in New Zealand and a relationship is in peril after someone shushes their partner during boner patrol.SUPPORT US ON OUR PATREON (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, it's the Friend Zone with Tim and Guy. It's the Friend Zone. We're gonna have a good time. It's the Friend Zone with Tim and Guy because making friends is the best idea of all time. Friend Zone. Hello and welcome to the Friend Zone. How about that, Guy? How do you feel about that? Really good. The Friend Zone is one of my favourite places. Fantastic. We're just hot off the heels of recording a podcast episode of The Worst Idea of All Time, where we watch pornography.

But not right now. Luckily, we don't have to talk about or watch any porn for a whole other week. Could you send me that backpack that's got a laptop in it I'm going to use to read out various odds and ends, correspondence, trivia, whatever comes up. How are you feeling, guy? Well, Tim, I don't know if you've heard, but I just received an email invite from my agents in Auckland inviting me to the opening night of the of the Moscow Circus at Ellerslie Racecourse huh

and so I'm feeling pretty flattered pretty good, the great Moscow Circus is coming to town, I don't know how 23rd of October, 7.30pm hold on for a second, how are they coming to town? that's a worry literally impossible to say I just, I, the only time i really went to a

russian circus show was uh i can't remember i told you went with carlo richie this is in edinburgh and um we're actually joined by one of carlo's friends a guy called jack gleason who i didn't know at the time but i found out afterwards because he was swarmed was the guy who played um time but i found out afterwards because he was swarmed was the guy who played um prince joffrey in game of thrones oh everyone hated him for a while yeah they did i didn't get into game of thrones neither but um yeah people hated that guy so were you hanging out with him yeah he's a big fan of carlo and steen riscopolis's uh improvised show the bear pack oh shit it's cool they became friends that's awesome what's he like did you get to kind of meet him and stuff nice normal guy normal guy um but we went to this

show called russian roulette and there was this russian woman who hosted and she go welcome to russian roulette the only show on the fringe with dance magic and the chance of real danger oh boy and then in between acts she had a cap gun and she'd bring people on stage and blindfold them and point the cap gun at their head and like fire off a cap that's cool this sounds like a good show it was like and but all of the circo acts were like they were amateur but it was in this huge hall there were 250 people there

and I could not for the life of me stop laughing and I felt like that was probably the main Russian circus experience that I'm going to

have in my life so to be asked again back for more an honour and a privilege I'm alright man how are you doing? I just feel like

there's a lot of loose ends at the moment you know in life? a lot of people ends at the moment, you know? In life? A lot of people tugging at my attention and time It's probably my fault for not being organised enough What are you going to do about it? I don't know, if I can hit that email inbox like a ton of fuck

You're going to do that after this? I guess so Well you should treat this moment as respite, a holiday You're damn right A refreshing moment You're right, I need to live in the moment And the moment is the friend zone Yeah There is no What do you think about the idea that there's no um past or future it's an interesting idea yeah i like it i'll run with that because the past all of our memories

are just personal reconstructions of things that have happened but none of it's actually like you know correct canon none of it's authentic it's all just filtered through our own narrative and the future is just speculation the only thing you can set your watch to is this conversation between us right now that's quite grounding actually i like that yeah you're good stuff guy no worries man you should do a guided meditation or maybe some sort of listening podcast I should I wonder if there's any

iconic listeners I could collaborate with on this exciting new project um I've got an email here I'm gonna sneeze quite soon as well so

ah that came quicker than I thought ah I just wanna open up I've got this fantastic piece of correspondence from the 1st of October that Valerie Rogers you might remember as the big book of ideas author who's um sent me or us a couple of

screenshots yeah thanks man uh from instagram for a campaign called pure new zealand and um excuse me and the caption is if you encourage the world to do one thing what would that be and so these are i can't close this how do i get out of this i've enough a new tab it says howdy tim and guy i was recently advertised what i can only describe as the concept of new zealand fuck yeah a series of people supposedly from new zealand all answering the question if you could encourage the world to do one thing since you all presumably are the cause of me getting this ad what would you say

if in this ad also what hot New Zealand site would you dramatically stand in front of which also seemed like a requirement Valerie

P.S. Grown Ups 2 was on TV the other day and there was 10 minutes left I thought that after hearing your podcast I could watch that without having ever

seen the rest but I am now more confused about that movie than ever so what this seems pretty smug from new zealand so what we're pumping out well advertorials to the rest of the world being like hey hey you everyday new zealand if you could dispense one piece of advice to the rest of the fucking world what would it be presumably it's a tourism campaign except for the fact that tourism doesn't exist anymore So

What the fuck What is the question again If you could encourage the world to do one thing What would it be I'm not engaging in this How smug No I refuse I take exception to the very premise

I don't like this campaign I would encourage the world to look for guidance further afield than sponsored posts from New Zealanders on Instagram. Nice. That's good. That's good from you.

Thanks for letting us know, Valerie, that our country fellows are putting this detritus out into the world. Horrible stuff. Riley says, This is my first time writing fan mail, but it seemed appropriate that it would be

to Timothy Dalton and Guy with the Golden Gun. TWIOAT was the first podcast I ever listened to after reading the premise on Reddit and finding it absolutely hilarious. I binged through the first season I feel like this has been read before. You might be right. Classic us. Where's the PS? Trying to prepare an escape. Oh, yes. Wait. Yeah, no. Okay. Oh, yep.

Yep. Yep. Okay. We're good. We're good. Sorry. Don't be sorry. It's okay. Shall I read one? No. Zane has given the fund for the boys. Take a guess. Take a guess at the amount. Is it garish to be saying the amounts on the friend zone, do you think? Is it gauche?

It never occurred to me that it would be. Only now that you've brought to my attention it never occurred to me i shouldn't have opened up this can of worms just leave it in pandora's box mate it's a hundred us dollars fuck yeah we call that a patty king yeah no he gave more his one was crazy crazy. Yeah, his one was crazy. It was like a fucking crazy amount of money. Well, hit me with the chips, Tim. What do you got?

Hi, Tim and Guy. He wrote it, hi, Tim and Guy, but the stank was me. I finally locked down a steady job after years of listening and thought it was time to hashtag pay the boys for all the great laughs over the years. This fucking dog. Rufufus you absolute fuck also sent you an email with some info on i'm going to spell the word after this in the news enjoy zane that that word what is that it starts with s you see why seychelles oh the seychelles. It's where one of the Emanuels was set.

It looks so beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen the Seychelles written down before. Or like knowingly, you know? I probably skipped over it. Hey, Zane, you're rich. You know about the Seychelles. I'm going to make some assumptions about your life that you are dodging a lot of tax. And I love that about you.

You've got some complicated financial arrangements going on and i reckon you're awesome we respect it rufus you've really got to figure this out man wait but zane's actually written a whole email oh my god he's really fucking shit up you read something this one just starts I've had correspondence with someone about Steve Buscemi quite a lot

and they said at one point they said what time is it there it's 4.20am here in Ottawa Canada and they said, at one point they said, what time is it there? It's 4.20 a.m. here in Ottawa, Canada. And then didn't say anything for a long time, and then on Wednesday they wrote,

ha ha ha ha, man, one time I got too high for boner patrol. I was at this place, I guess it would be best described as like a swingers club or what have you, a sex club if you will, but places like that can be tough on the nerves so i was compensating by eating this thing of thc infused cotton candy i actually ate the whole damn bag so when i actually hooked up with someone i was so easily distracted it made it pretty much impossible to perform there were monitors around the place playing pornography but the nearest one to us was playing the weirdest like 80s vhs or educational porn video about how

to fuck or something one One of the women was in like spandex exercise wear. I think she looked like Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat. So that was taking me out of it. Then these two women started having just like a full on conversation outside the room. We were getting it on and I could hear it so

clearly no matter how hard I tried. What a mess. Not my proudest moment. moment but hey if you read this on the friend zone to go along with this weirdly sexual but not sexy is that a fair description season scream my name tom fuck tom really uh open and honest correspondence from tom was he in it so there was a sex club that he was in. So it sounds like. God damn. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. It's interesting. In this current climate, health wise. You're talking about COVID? Yeah. It's interesting to think that sex clubs can still thrive. Well, I don't know if they can. It sounds like a memory from quite a while ago maybe

that didn't happen to him recently did it yeah well it doesn't say it's a wonderful reminisce anyway it certainly is yeah a sex club i don't even know where i'd like track down one that would operate in that way here in auckland there's a six on site venue that i went to during the making of a web series that i produced um but that's for men only i uh heard that do you know where there's a big swingers a big really high grade cocaine and swinging community in new zealand remu era no oh where cambridge really which is a small like horse town just outside of hamilton in the north island of new zealand because apparently these um horse horse people traditionally have bags of money and they like internationally i guess it's harder to get it now they'd smuggle

they'd travel cocaine back from ah with the horses. Yeah. That makes perfect sense. All of these, like, there's just this crazy sort of well-oiled, sexed-up, silver-topped fuckfest happening in this tiny rural New Zealand town. You've got to watch those horse people, eh? There's a lot of shit going on. Yeah. Because there's, like, a ketamine aspect to it. There's actually, I don't want to get too in the weeds of this but our deputy prime minister is the minister of racing which i did not know was like a portfolio worth existing and he has shuffled a lot of money to that community

from the government loves the races the whole thing seems very uncouth he's a super sus dude he was like it's a really funny industry to be because like in america it would be big oil and in new zealand it's like big horse racing yeah it's to be commended he's a slippery fucking kettle of fish this guy and he's been doing it for decades forever yeah better part of a century that might actually be true um did you get that email oh what one oh yeah this is hi tim i finally locked down a stick oh wait this is the same message hold on um i'm really enjoying your new emmanuel season in episode three you bring up the seychelles were in the news for some reason and you were right there was a real sketchy meeting in the Seychelles in 2017 between Eric Prince, the CEO of Blackwater,

and Kirill Demidev, some Russian oligarch, to establish a secret back channel between Vladimir Putin and our dear leader and wannabe dictator President Donald Trump. Just add it to the list of insane things burning American democracy to the ground. Sorry to get so political here, especially if this ends up on the friend zone love you boys you both boys keep up the good work saying peace if you're interested here's a link to a summary of the meeting from the muller report pps please come to seattle or portland when covid is over i really do want to go to seattle i'd love to go to portland again yeah let's i would yeah i'd go in a heartbeat and i want us to go back to chicago that was brilliant but we didn't spend enough time there cool city do you remember when we went to that pizza restaurant which was like famed for its

authentic chicago pizza and we ordered a couple of deep dish slices and then we had to fuck off and leave before they served it to us but we had we paid vividly it was a devastating event it was so savage but we did make it to our architectural boat tour thank god fantastic guide and then had some much lower quality deep dish pizza from a restaurant near the the famous bean yeah still good though i I mean, fine. That pizza was, uh, it was some sort of None wrong with ordinary pizza, Chicago. Sorry, Illinois. My frosty boys, Flashy and Timsy, imagine my shock-intensive betrayal at the moment where Guy

claimed to have caught up with the Facebook, yet my important stories of pain caused by you chili men were excluded. Chili men. We are the chili men. What? I like it. Ah. We must be chilly men. What? I like it. Oh. We must be one friend zone ahead. So I imagine this will have been read. You want to know something?

There is a non-zero chance that I've lost one of them. Oh, okay. So it's quite possible there is a bank of messages that has, like a mailman getting involved in a car crash, just evaporated into a river. Well, do you remember the story? It was Alexis was on the bus and lowered their mask to take a drink. And then they were coughing and spluttering. And a small child was nearby and said, is she going to die? Yes.

Or she's going to die. Well, this is the same author. Well, I wonder if that got deleted. And I don't know. And I won't find out. And I will read this correspondence because there's ample to come. My pain is no longer physical from you boys

and I've decided to put aside a few euros a month to support you boys on Patreon. Fuck yes, give us the euros. Blows my mind. It shouldn't, but Ireland is on the euro? Yeah, man. Has been for quite some time. What were they using before the euro?

I think they were using the British pound. Surely they would never associate with those Brits. What was Ireland using before the euro? The Irish pound. Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry to our Irish listeners. I really do apologize. Cool money.

Support your boys on Patreon for a while at least and hope it helps you boys become at least semi-tumescent while watching softcore porn together that gets progressively

less softcore to my understanding of the progression of the Emmanuel franchise. Tumescent. That's a new word together that gets progressively less softcore to my understanding of the progression of the Emmanuel franchise. Tumescent. That's a new word. Do you want to know what it means? I'm going to take a guess

that it's like getting hard. This is about our boners. Really good guess. Swollen or being swollen, especially as a response to sexual arousal. Or, with reference to language or literary style, pompous or pretentious. Ah, maybe both.

Tumescent. That's a great word. I'm actually hosting some spelling bees soon. Yeah. Tumescent is going on the list. Yeah, fantastic. Not on the night you're on. By the way, if you're listening in Auckland,

there are so many tickets available. No, this will come out after. Okay. Well, it went really well everyone oh well actually sorry give it a plug just in case

what is it on like the 24th yeah it starts next week the 20th to the 24th of October in Auckland at the Basement Theatre 6.30pm every night Tuesday through Saturday

Guy Montgomery's Guy Montspellingby featuring a rotating cast of New Zealand's best comedians it's going to be a good time anyway chika chika while watching softcore porn together gets progressively softcore blah blah blah of New Zealand's best comedians. It's going to be a good time. Anyway.

Chika chika. While watching softcore porn together gets progressively softcore, blah, blah, blah. I expect this and my previous message now to feature on Friendzone and shall continue this one-way correspondence. Slow down.

I expect this and This is fucking needless. Childish. My this, and... This is fucking needless. Childish. My... Come on, man.

Previous... Respect yourself and respect the listener, please. Message now to feature on Friendzone and shall continue this one-way correspondence for as long as it takes you fun fellas to read these on the potty until they stack up and friends on 200 is a three hour long readout of my progressively angrier diatribe that two men from across the world won't read out my messages yours with the utmost adoration say my name you

boys of the pacific lexi callan thank you lexi he's writing it as he's saying it folks lexi thank you so much for sending that in it's a delightful story and one that i sincerely hope i didn't delete that initial one about you um causing quite an episode on the bus i'm apologetic if that did happen um but you know shit happens here's a bit of correspondence from tim bat hey boys long time listener first time writer in interested to hear from this guy i recognize the name i think what you guys are doing is great disagree and i hope you keep doing it forever by the way i recently re-watched the pilot that you made for youtube and i was reminded that it's actually pretty good i would recommend

if people haven't seen it they do and maybe if you haven't seen it in a while and you're looking for a bit of respite check it out again it's just on youtube for everyone just go on youtube and look up twioat and it's like the first thing that shows up all the best from your friend in auckland new zealand tim bat thank you tim i've actually got an interesting piece of trivia about that pilot on youtube 1000 thumbs up one solitary thumb down i want to know who you are i want to know so badly hi i wonder if it's just the algorithm though being like don't get too big for your boots why would the algorithm do that

no way Jose I wonder who gets fed that on their algorithm maybe no one I told you how I watched that movie that social dilemma one I think maybe you mentioned you'd seen it what's up it was like don't trust the algorithm choose your videos don't let the algorithm feed you and then

the next morning when i went on youtube.com the algorithm suggested the most perfect video i've ever come across in my life which is a compilation of game-winning buzzer beaters from the NBA 2019-2020 season said to Kanye West's father stretch my hands and it was like I mean I understand it's bad but sometimes come on this is so good anyway 12 minutes well spent hi again Tim and Guy I thought you should know your rubber band boner patrol methodology is actually really similar to a test I learned about in med school. The postage stamp test. Used to be used in order to determine whether someone still has nighttime erections with erectile dysfunction. Fuck, that is an interesting field of study.

You look disgusted. I want to know more. I'm just, I'm just, I don't know. This constant chatter about measuring erections. We're not measuring erections. Yeah, well, we're measuring the presence of erections. We're not measuring erections. Yeah, well, we're measuring the presence of erections. Yeah. Testing for erections.

Totally different. Yeah, you're right, of course. And it is interesting, if someone has erectile dysfunction, whether or not they still get the random bonus. Okay, I want to know about the postage thing. Oh, you're in luck, because our correspondence deals with exactly that issue. Erectile dysfunction. Doctors would have patients

wrap a perforated strip of stamps around their penis overnight. Broken perforation equals preserved nighttime erection. Come on! Are you serious? Deadly. This is important in trying to differentiate if there's

something actually physiologically wrong leading to erectile dysfunction problem with nerves blood vessels etc i'm not entirely clear whether we stopped doing this because stamps are packaged differently or we realized it's just a little ridiculous just thought you might want to know say my name mika or micah this may seem absurdly obvious but like you move around in your sleep surely that's going to break something as delicate as perforated stamp rolls while they're on your junk i didn't really thought about that no like gotta get my hand on some stamps how much do you do you like do you move around in your sleep though of course i'm a real tosser and turner you know you do you know do you you don't think of yourself as a good sleeper right no i hate sleep sleep hates me and that's just fine you got an unhealthy

relationship to it man you got to change the way you talk about it sleep fucking sleep sucks sleep rocks imagine if we didn't have to sleep how many more hours we'd have to do things like sleep nah fuck sleep last night i had what i think is the perfect sleep and if i can help it i'm going to shift my hours of operation 10 p.m to 6 a.m it's a boring lifestyle yeah it is but like good for you yeah monday to friday no what are you going to be like fucking happy and emotionally regulated good for you fucker that's exactly what i want that is like literally what i'm pursuing yeah good on you why are you so disgruntled with that. Because I don't have it. No, man, I get a real, like, mania at about 11. I think my best hours of work are 11 till 2. 11 p.m. till 2 a.m.

Ah, see, there you go. Because all the distractions go away. People stop contacting me, and I can finally focus on what I'm doing. Same thing, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. for me. That's when I should probably do it, because it probably would be the same for me as well's when I should probably do it because it probably would be the same for me as well so I should just shift it to the morning the issue is the internet

I mean people in New Zealand aren't going to bother you in these hours but the internet lives forever that's fine I can kind of block off the internet though if it's people from overseas they can usually wait who gives a shit have you got another good bit of something yeah man fuck the

world uh this is from chris i'm gonna steamroll over my offer to let you read something immediately dearest bat and monty long-time listener first-time emailer to the friend zone to my shame i've never contributed any sweet cash your way despite the quite frankly disconcerting amount of content i consumed from you both on the rig and in recent argument with my partner i found myself having to give a groveling apology for shushing her during a segment of boner patrol looking back there was no amount of groveling that could be done for attempting to explain what boner patrol is what emmanuel is why they are connected through the medium of a podcast and why a shush came out of my mouth when whatever she was about to say

would have been undeniably more pertinent. I can't believe someone shushed someone because of Boner Patrol. I'm both proud and disappointed. I just wanted to hear about them boners. We are still in love. As of today, I am now on the $5 monthly club $5 monthly club

Really fell off the end of that monthly didn't I I've got such a lazy tongue today Believe in yourself Through Patreon Why give a man a fish When you can support his psychological torture Over the long term Much love to you both

To the wonderful people of Aotearoa And my patient and loving partner Zara Say my name over the long term. Much love to you both, to the wonderful people of Aotearoa, and my patient and loving partner, Zara. Say my name, Chris, from Glasgow, Scotland. Fuck yeah, Chris. I love Glasgow, Scotland. I've only spent 24 hours there.

I've heard amazing things about that city. It was beautiful. I went to one of your microbreweries, the name of which i can't remember i went to as recommended by kieran i went to a film projection cinema i watched once upon a time in hollywood i stayed in a hotel downtown and down it i went for a big walk i just generally had a good time could you move to scotland could you live there do you think the climate is a bit of an issue for me But I could yeah Why is that?

Because it's too cold? Yeah like their summer is Like September here Which is ostensibly the first month of our spring But it's actually just a horrible extension of our winter Oh well God it's not that bad We're in God's own here mate

Mate spring in New Zealand Is one of the most overrated seasons in the world. Fuck me. He's really... Autumn in New Zealand, however... He's really getting into some dangerous territory. Autumn is like... March, when autumn apparently begins, is one of the best months of the calendar year in New Zealand.

Yeah. Okay. You wanna fuck with me on this? Nah, I'm not gonna fuck with you because i'm like i have no confidence in this issue whatsoever because i don't even know what order the seasons throw down in seriously i've never gotten it never trying to try what order do you think they're going it goes summer for us so like let's go start at the calendar year so we're in summer yeah that's in like i think that starts on December 1st

According to our calendar So I guess it goes Summer Then Spring? Keep going And then autumn And then winter

No wait Then winter Then autumn Summer into spring Into autumn Into winter It's a disaster Summer First On the. It's a disaster.

Summer first, on the money. It's hot. I just gave you half of the answers. Then we transition into autumn. So after the searing heat of summer, we transition into a leafy autumn. That makes sense. Through which, as the weather cools down, we arrive at winter. And then winter's long tail continues into spring as the trees blossom and rejuvenate and we slowly enter that world famous new zealand summer do you know what

i've always found to be a useful mnemonic when i can't remember things someone adding a whole bunch of words i won't remember in between the items on the list, like Guy just did. It is both exceptionally helpful and memorable. Thanks, Tim. I appreciate the authenticity and earnest tone you struck in that compliment. I'll never get it. As long as I live, I'll never get it. Boys, you don't have to read this one out. It's just for your own satisfaction, scratching that knowledge gap, itch.

But fuck Tim Tim Bat it says yeah fair and then it keeps going I've earned that my understanding is the name Burger King oh so this is to resolve the Burger King

Hungry Jack's legal dispute rightio oh so did they actually say fuck Tim Bat no oh that was an improv

I could stand to get a lot of more hate on the friend zone to be fair. Pretty good improv. My understanding is the name Burger King was registered in Australia by a burger store in Western Australia. You love this sort of shit.

I do love this shit. When Burger King landed in Australia, they tried to buy the name of the Western Australia Burger King, who knocked them back. Hell yeah. In frustration, Burger King changed the name of their franchises to Hungry Jack's. I'm guessingry Jack's. I'm guessing because Jack's started it in Australia.

I had no idea this was the case in New Zealand as well. I'm guessing... No, it's not the case in New Zealand. We just know about it because we go to Aussie a lot. Yeah. Stimulied to your master plan of... Stimuli... Oh, sorry. I had no idea this was the case in New Zealand as well.

I'm guessing now the rights to the name Burger King have elapsed in Australia and therefore they can open new stores under their own name. Simulate your master plan of starting your own Blaze Pizza Channel in New Zealand. Maybe you can learn from the Burger King guy in Western Australia who is now insolvent and penniless after not selling out.

Oh, man. That's such a sad end to an otherwise very cool story. Like if it was David and Goliath, but David lost. That's most stories. That's life. Here's the last one. Hey, Major Tim

Tim Timuranian McGannian and Sir Guy Battersea. This might be a historical reference i don't know battersea's in the in the in london yeah it's a borough do they say boroughs is it a region a county it's in london it's near chelsea good on you mate i just wanted to say that i feel the three of us are in a one-sided codependent relationship one-sided on my side is I'm now dependent on the dulcet tones of your beautiful friendship with one another

to raise my tired bones from bed every morning. This chronic depressive appreciates your levity and all you do is without your sweet, sweet podcast I feel I would drift listlessly through my mornings and days. I love you both like I love buttermilk pancakes. I feel if I ever met you boys i would blather incoherently and perhaps tear up a little it's a small country and i too live in the land of the long white cloud so you never know and wowee the emmanuel chronicles are wild

my favorite part is all the characters constantly uh constant referrals to emuelle's sexual prowess and beauty. Not to be a fuddy-duddy, but it sure does make her sound like the softcore equivalent of a Mary Sue, a character who is inexplicably adored by everyone despite being rather unexceptional. Oh dear, there's me running my mouth without having seen the films. I'd better check myself before I wreck myself. Well wishes and posh ear kisses. Shout it out to Zarina Simone, or Simone. I would have loved to hear you continue running your mouth on a film or story trope. I've heard of the Mary Sue, but i didn't actually know what it was describing yeah i always had in my head that a mary sue was like and i have nothing to base this on someone like frigid you know but um thank god we've got

such smart and intelligent listeners who email into us man makes up for the and this is not a one-sided relationships arena because without you sending your email in this us, man. Makes up for the... And this is not a one-sided relationship, Zarina, because without you sending your email in, this doesn't exist. So this is very much a two-way street. We're talking to you right now. This is two ways, baby. Yeah, everyone else block your ears. This is for Zarina.

And I hope you're doing okay, but I understand if you're not. But we'll keep doing what we're doing, and hopefully it is a small help. Just a little one. Wow, it's a small world, isn't it? After all, when's the last time the world had one thing to concentrate on like this? What, like the friend zone?

Yeah. Yeah. We're the talk of the town. I think we're both quite tired, but for kind of slightly different reasons. You got up too early. I got up too late. I went to bed too late. I got up at the perfect time and i'm not tired tim i'm hungry oh okay sorry my bad well that's gonna do it for this friend zone thank you so much for listening i

hope i didn't delete it and uh love you lots do you know what i want everyone i want a mushroom sandwich do i have one on me no will i try and buy one after this absolutely will you find out about it probably not but that's what i want to eat tim is trying to stop the record my challenge to keep your attention while his fingers hover over the big red button mushroom sandwich from honey bones is a sandwich i first came across in the summer of 2018. Honey Bones had of course replaced my previous favourite cafe, Ware Bros, a cafe known for its simple toast and toppings, run by a woman named Carter Ware. She now lives in Byron Bay, running a sustainable Airbnb

where people can come out and forage for their own ingredients and have her help them cook dinners. Honey Bones was started up by some inspired young upstarts who'd previously established a cafe on a riki street in grayland called crumb i used to go to crumb because i like the way they pulled their coffee but the cabinet food wasn't really my liking i was pretty upset to see where bros go but i thought well i might as well give honey bones a try because my good friend ken griffin had installed a sculpture as art on the wall at this new dining establishment. I went in, had a breakfast there once, did not enjoy the acoustics, did not enjoy the change of vibes, swore off the place.

But, alas, as time marches on, so too does taste. Once I found myself in Gray Lynn, thirsty for a coffee, hungry for a nibble, nowhere to go. I look across the street, my old nemesis honey bones well i waltzed into that their cafe and approached their cabinet with the encouragement of myself and i said you got any vegetarian sandwiches in there the smiling face of the man behind the counter told me he had a mushroom sandwich with my name on it i said that's pretty unlikely i've not been here before he said it's a turn of phrase and put, reach the tongs into the cabinet, removing one fresh mushroom sandwich. He said,

you want this toasters? I said, no, I'm on the go. I'll take it fresh. He said, everybody loves it toasted. I said, I'm in charge of the sandwich now, son. Rack it up, stack it up and send me on my way. He charged me $12 12 which is quite a lot of money for a sandwich but i had nowhere else to go i was hungry what's a boy to do i paid the man 12 using my contactless f-post payment and took the sandwich out into my car where i sat in it and looked at the contents focaccia bread mushrooms glaze and balsamic mozzarella spinach a homemade mayonnaise and a light drizzle of basil pesto nothing fancy but a pretty good combination of ingredients i wrapped my mouth around one corner mayonnaise bursting through holes on the top of the focaccia a delightful

mouthful before i'd even finished chewing and swallowed the first mouthful, I went back for a second, and another, and another after that. Within less than two minutes, I'd finished the entire sandwich. For a long time, that mushroom sandwich sat atop my rating of Auckland's best sandwiches, until recently I discovered a cafe near where I live in Mount Roskill called the Heron Turtle. This is a specialty cafe. They do about five to six different sandwiches alongside a variety of drinks and house-made donuts and two of the sandwiches there well they're just about the best damn thing i've eaten in this crazy year anyway that's me i guess rambling on about my sandwiches i wish nothing but the best to everyone and I hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you so much. Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. It's the friend zone.

We're going to have a good time. It's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Because making friends is the best idea of all time. Friend zone.