The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 116

Episode Date: March 6, 2021

Let's not kid out ourselves, this Friendzone exists so that we all may enjoy the fruits of Chris A Rock's labour. Hope y'all like Paul Blart pitches.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, it's the Friend Zone with Tim and Guy. It's the Friend Zone. We're gonna have a good time. It's the Friend Zone with Tim and Guy because making friends is the best idea of all time. Friend Zone. Hello everybody and welcome to the Friend Zone. My name is Tim, his name is Guy, and we're separated because we're in lockdown for a little bit and hopefully we'll be out of it soon. But it's made me think a lot about our friends all around the world, Guy, and how a lot of people have been locked down essentially this whole time. That's right. We are in a different part of the world. We're in a fortunate part of the world. And we think of all of our friends

on the good days and the bad days because, Tim, that's what friends are for. Who sang that? Bette Midler? Yeah. I feel like it's one of those songs a lot of people have done a version of. I've got no idea who did the OG.

Dionne Warwick. There you go. A recent departee of Twitter. Oh, really? Yeah. She was cameoing on Twitter, I thought. She came in, I think, for about six months and then was like, all right, bye, everyone.

What an iconic cameo. Guy, how are you doing? How's your lockdown treating you? I'm by myself and you know, I'm okay. I'm with a cat.

You're with Fig? Yeah, I'm with Fig and I've actually, I keep forgetting, I've been, Fig traditionally eats, I go to this place And I've actually, I keep forgetting, I've been, Fig traditionally eats, I go to this place called Raw Essentials and buy him these blocks of meat. I de-thaw them. He gets one for breakfast, one for dinner.

I'm Fig's sort of custodian, even when the house is full. Fig and I got a good thing going. But we've run out of meat and I'm feeding him, like they're nice bickies, but they're just the bickies. And every day Fig says, it's mealtime. And I say, damn it, Fig, I'm so sorry, man. You're still on bickies.

And Fig's like, it's okay. I get it. But I wish I was eating meat. So it's a great reminder, Tim. After this, I'm going to go out and I'm going to get Fig some of the cat food he deserves. Do you think he deserves it? Fig does hang out with

a bad crowd, but I don't think making his home life any more challenging than it is is going to change that. I don't like Fig's friends. And I've said as much to Fig. And when Fig's friends come over here, I say, Hyah! Like that.

Because I don't want Fig hanging out with them. He hangs out with a rough crowd. You hear them scrapping and yapping. And he actually slipped his collar a couple of days ago. And so he's without collar presently. Now, when his friends come around and you you hear them off the property do they respond to that yeah they scream they run they run um they scram and they sort of they there's a look in their eyes they know that i don't like these guys

but there's like there's a genuine there's a bond that transcends human and animal. There's personality inside all of these cats. And I think they understand what I'm saying when I say here. Because Fig's a soft and affectionate guy. And cats are very perceptive. They may not care about how you're feeling, but they do understand how you're feeling. But they do know. Yeah, that's right.

They do know. I've got a message here from one of our friends. It was sent in late November last year. Great time for you writing. This is from Nicholas. It says, Howdy you two very brave boys. Just wanted to drop you a line to tell you

that I'm having a ripping good time listening to the most recent season of The Potty. The openness and positivity of your relationship is super inspiring and just an amazing thing to listen to. I also wanted to share these pictures of some Emanuel vinyls I saw in a local record shop here in Melbourne. I was listening to the podcast when I found these and it just made me really appreciate how trippy our little universe works. How our trippy little universe works. I'm pretty sure no one will be picking up these softcore porn soundtracks

anytime soon, so if you want one of them, let me know. There is a few English versions and a Japanese version. Thanks for the hours of great content. Say my name, You handsome cunts. Nick Patton. Nick? He sent the... Yeah.

No, I was just repeating. I wasn't saying. You're just saying the name Nick. That's cool. These... It's so disruptive. I really wish you'd follow it up with something if you're going to say his name

what have you got to say to Nick hi the photos aren't loading I'd love the Japanese one please yeah I really want that too actually I'll fight you for that or we could share both work no that won't be happening okay well thanks nick for creating something to fight over in mine and tim's friendship i really want to see a photo

of these vinyls i i i uh i actually think i'd really enjoy some porn vinyl. Maybe I'll look on Amazon or something, see if I can source some copies. The thing with vinyl, it's quite expensive to ship around the place. I really think it's holding it back, you know? I mean, I feel like it's having a big renaissance. You know cassettes are kind of in? Yeah.

People are putting out music exclusively on cassette. Yeah. I haven't seen... Oh, I haven't owned a device that plays a cassette in a good while, but I should get a tape deck again, eh? Yeah, dog. Sets are cool, man.

I really like them. I like them too. You're telling me that you've recorded music on this tiny magnetic strip? What the fuck? I mean, to be fair, that's how I feel about every means of consuming music. Like, yeah, I can't even think about Spotify or Bluetooth. The fucking file doesn't even exist.

How the fuck did they get all those instruments inside of an app? Anyway, dearest your recent your recent frustration with the complex world around you sort of equally tickles me and concerns me because you bring it up quite a lot at the moment and i feel like you're really struggling with it well i just i don't know tim i don't know how any of it goes do some googling look some state just the stuff that comes to mind look it up you don't have to know everything no one knows anything really we live in such an insanely complex world but if there's something that comes to mind just just give it a google but then i look it up i start reading and the explanation is so boring and then i'm like well i just trust it's Google. Give it a wiki. I start reading and the explanation is so boring.

And then I'm like, well, I just trust it's there. But then it bothers me still. Dearest Tim Timony, Tim Timony, Tim Timory. And let's guy, guy, a guy, guy, guy, guy, guy. There's no way I did that justice. Just wasted to drop you a line and say hi and share the love. I guess that's wanted. But the S and the N are miles away from each other on a keyboard.

To say hi and share the love from Southampton, England. I've been a Patreon pal for just over a year now and absolutely loving it. Keep up the fantastic work. Sadly. Sad to say that I've fallen behind on the party recently and i'm just catching up with the early december eps however so excited and plan to wake up at 2 a.m this is something that's already been uh on the 19th of february for what is surely to be a momentous recording of the sex in the city of sex in the city four and just like that pilot i'm drunk with a virtual i'm drunk after a virtual pub night with my own pals sorry anyways

love you both nothing else to say other than that stay safe say my name you absolute motherfuckers aaron spelt the correct way and then a kiss and then now an update which was sent oh wow the initial message was sent on the 31st of jan, and this update is like a month later. A slightly more sober version for you lovely boys. I am now up to date with all the pods and thought I'd inform you of a particular quirk in my listening. I have never heard Season 1. I started listening when Season 2 came out, and as such, I've picked up on a few of the references from season one,

springing into the subsequent suezons. Patty Schwartz, Party Time It All. I always planned to go back to season one when you guys stopped putting out content, but you guys just keep going headfirst into madness, and I love you ever more for it. I didn't watch the live stream, by the way, as I had to work the next day,

and 3 a.m. in the morning was just too much. I'll catch up now and also chuck you some money. Chuck some money while you wait for the theater and your big bad selves. This time, don't say my name. Blank. P.S. Please see photo of when I meet you guys in London after the live show.

The signed print takes pride of place in my lounge. And here's a photo. Wow. We were living in a different fucking time. This has really hit me with the nostalgia. It's a photo of person X holding up the beautiful nightmare poster featuring distorted Zach Ziccoli, Lenny Fader, and SJP. And he's flanked on either side by you and I.

And we were in london tim we did a show at the london podcast festival 2019 sounds right and uh it was amazing it was one of the great nights of my life it was a great time that um that whole thing rocked can i say that yeah that theater was amazing the podcast festival um was awesome the london podcast festival it was just from woe to go a really good time and uh thank you so much blank for coming and i have an additional question can i take a run at the correct spelling of aaron pursuant into the last K from this listener. Is it double A-R-O-N? Yeah.

Sick. Yeah, you got it. Turns out that's the wrong way to spell it, my man. They say two wrongs don't make a right. This is from a very interesting... Oh, no. Oh, no, we're good. Okay.

This was sent to us and to Mbimbam, but I thought it was from Mbimbam, but it confused me. At any rate, the message goes like this. It was sent on the 28th of November, which is probably why, because that would have been right around American Thanksgiving, which, as we all know, is the annual season of Blart.

So here's the message. Hello. The following is some ideas for sequels to Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. I like this guy because it suggests that our role is to make Paul Bl blart more cop 3 yes it is our responsibility paul blart more cop 3 how it all blarded paul blart gets a more cop job in los angeles while maya is a student at ucla lane who is dating maya and dating Maya and has also moved to LA, is hired to be a mall cop at the same small mall, and Paul tries to teach him the ropes.

Most of the movie is shown through Lane's perspective, learning the ins and outs of being a mall cop. Most of the advice Paul gives Lane isn't helpful, and a lot of it honestly is embarrassing up until the mall gets heisted like in the other movies, and Lane has to use the things Paul taught him to save both the mall and Paul in the end

so the mall and Paul thing is so funny you've seen all the memes online of like mall Paul and Paul yeah I haven't really but almost I mean I know I must have heard it before but just then when mall and Paul were put next to

each other i was like oh i see how this franchise exists like it's the most transparent way to come up with a movie concept sort of but it's like it's not directly a rhyme in the way that they've used it in the title it's more like a poetic use of language yeah it. It's not like, it's not like Paul and the mall. It's more complicated. It's Paul Blart Mall Cop. So it's sort of hidden in there. I feel like, yeah,

I feel like they, they found it on Rhyme Zone and then they're like, ah, people are going to see our process. We've got to cover our tracks. Okay. In the end, Maya tells Lane that while she loves both Lane and her father,

if Lane grows a moustache like Paul, she will dump him. Okay. That's that one. Paul Blart more cop through. Clean eyes, full Blarts. Paul gets a... Paul. That's a funny name. school and helps with their win list. Down on their luck football team.

He is bad at being an assistant coach and falls down a lot. Lots of opportunities to see Paul, I'm just adding it now, take hits from the tacklers and sports equipment when the school is, for some reason, heisted. Paul leads some of the football players in stopping the heist and saving the day. I can see that one, you know? Like, I can see it in my mind's eye.

They've married that with the iconic TV series Friday Night Lights. Yeah. Yeah, I got that. I got that from the title. The guy from Early Edition. One of the great TV shows of my youth. I think...

Was he the same guy from Sliders? Is that Jared... What the fuck is his name? Was he also in Stand By Me? Do you know if you look up Sliders all you get are pictures of tiny burgers?

I'm just looking them up now. Goddamn bougie food people. I'm going to read another one while I do that. Also, can I just say, yes, I am. Yes, I am. Nah, the guy, the early edition guy and also the um, the that guy's called Kyle Chandler. Fuck, that's

an American name. I think that uh, oh fuck, what's his name? Paul Jake Paul. Jake Paul should be in that one. In the high school football team one yeah yeah paul blart and jake paul and paul blart more cop three clean eyes full blots there's more of these so i should really keep going paul blart more cop three the blart of the cards there is a

yugioh tournament at the mall and this one instead of being half kevin james comedy and half oceans 11 it's half kevin james comedy and half live action anime movie paul blart has to team up with the good guy yugioh player to defeat the evil yugioh player who has also kidnapped a bunch of people which is something that actually happened in the anime i think not the paul blart part the guy kidnapping people in order to win a card game for children part. Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. A-M-C-A-B. Paul Blart is a bastard. Paul Blart Mall Cop 3.

How do you say this word? Blark? Blarch? Oh, Blarch Rivals. I get it. Like arch rivals. Paul gets a mall cop job in Los Angeles while Maya is a student at UCLA. Paul gets a mall cop job in Los Angeles while Maya is a student at UCLA.

Lane, who is dating Maya and has also moved to LA, is hired to be a mall cop at the mall that is the rival to Paul's mall. Paul becomes jealous of Lane in that Maya is spending more time with Lane and less time with Paul. In order to mend the potential rift between her boyfriend and dad, Maya invites Paul to get dinner at Lane's mall. While there, Paul also realises that Lane's mall is better than his mall. Then there is a mall heist. Paul tells Lane that even though they are feuding, they need to team up so they can stop this mall heist. Lane wasn't as completely unaware of any feud and admits that Paul is the reason he became a mall cop. Although devastated to learn that his

girlfriend's dad and inspiration for him becoming a mall cop hates him, Lane and Paul team up to stop the heist. In the end, Maya tells Lane that while she loves both Lane and her father, if Lane grows a moustache like Paul, she will dump him. I feel sick. I can't hear the words Paul, Maul or Lane any longer. Are there more? Well, you're shit out of luck because there's about six more. Fuck! Paul Blight Mall Cop 3 broke into the old ablantment. Paul Blight teams up with Canadian rock band Be A Naked Ladies to do something.

Who wrote these? Was this Kevin James? They are so good. Paul Blart Mall Cop 3. Life imitates blood. Paul gets a mall cop job in LA. No. While Maya is a student at UCLA.

It really is starting to feel like an AI is writing these down. I know. A Hollywood. They've all got the same words but different cooking methods. It's like you're making me the same dinner with a different name. I feel like I'm losing my mind. All right, hear this one out. A Hollywood TV company tells Paul that they want to make a reality TV show out of his life as a mall cop.

He agrees. And the first half of the movie is like a Paul. You've got to stop. You've got to stop. There's more. There's more. He agrees. And the first half of the movie is like a Paul, is it Kevin? Parody of Cops. Then it is revealed that the reality TV show was fake. And they were just criminals trying to get info on the mall security in order to heist it. These are all such good premises. Paul, part Mall Cop 3.

I don't know how to say this. Bliers Gratia Blartis. Paul Blart Mallster LA. No. It's not what that said Is that what it actually says? No I accidentally read the word Moves as malls

You're in atrophy Oh god Blart moves to Los Angeles To to be near maya as she attends ucla paul blart gets a security job at mgm studios he is tricked a number of times into thinking that there is an emergency at the studios only for it to be revealed every time that the emergency is not real and part of the practical effects of making big budget films eventually the studios are heisted for real and paul uses the practical effects he learned about and it learned about earlier in a way to stop the heisters with movie magic guy i think there's two

more here's the second to the last one you can do it paul blart mall cop three worlds are blart paul blart is a mall cop in la having Having moved there because of Maya being a student at UCLA, he falls in love with Lady. Oh my gosh. But it turns out that the Lady is part of an organization of criminals. They love each other, but one is duty-bound to security while the other is dedicated to security. Can love survive two

people that are worlds a blot three blood of darkness at first i thought that this could be a parody of joseph conrad's heart of darkness but after reading the plot synopsis on wikipedia i've decided that it would be wildly inappropriate for ke James comedy. Instead, Paul moves to LA with Maya and gets a job as a mall cop at a brand new mall. The mall is owned by a friendly millionaire. Everyone likes the millionaire. One night, Paul is at the mall after closing and learns that someone at the mall is the leader of a large criminal organization. He doesn't find out who it is specifically, but he learns only that he is called the shadow man paul tries a number of plans to out the shadow man at the mall and none of them work and each time he is more embarrassed

and loses more credibility as a mall cop the millionaire promises to not fire paul so long as paul stops looking for the shadow man we then find out that the millionaire is the Shadow Man and has been trying to humiliate and discredit Paul because Paul ruined the heists he was the puppet master for in the previous two films. Paul doesn't give up and uncovers the plot of the Shadow Man and saves the day somehow. If there's any way to postpone the sending of an email so it gets to you at a more irrelevant time i.e closer to america thanksgiving when you might have done what you might have half a care about any of this i don't know how to do that sorry thank you for your time and your great podcasts it's from chris a rock chris rock yeah and i assume that they've got the middle initial there because they're like a you know they're part of the writers guild in america um fuck

chris a rock i gotta say that was honestly inspiring not just as a thought exercise in what you did but like an advertisement for what is possible if you apply yourself i mean it's a shame you did it in such a worthless and ancillary part to your i'm assuming actual life but i genuinely felt like i was trapped inside of like a brilliant but misused mind just then and the analogy i did i used it when i was in hysteria but i keep thinking of is like every time you'd have the same beats come up there's always the mall there's always the pool there's always a criminal organization and maya and lane are sort of drifting around the fringes somehow but all of them are totally like this the story beats were hashed out effectively enough that i could visualize all of

them as films that was amazing i'm so i'm i can't talk anymore yeah well done chris the rest of the friends owners guys all right well i've got i'm on the twitter here and um there's some uh there's some old gold that i didn't even know about on the twio at pod at twio at pod so i'm just gonna get into a few of these quickly this one reads from the 3rd of december 2020 hey boys i'm reaching on behalf of my amazing husband andrew who loves you guys i do too but it's a whole different level for him he loves the new killian air pod by the way which is available on patreon for those of you listening i was wondering if you ever do audio clips or something to people oh I'd say like cameo

but I know how you feel about that service hmm I'd love to get him a special shout out for Christmas rats we're about to have our first little one while in quarantine guys is this friend zone material.

I don't know if this was intended to be read out on the friend zone. I don't know if it is either. I actually feel like also we did this. I feel like we might've done that one. Yeah. I feel like perhaps that person got in touch through a different channel. Yeah. Well,

can you just be careful screening those, uh, DMS because I think that's a different platform and may not be FZ Approps. No, well, they traditionally have been. This one reads, Hey, Tim the Tasmanian Tiger and Guy Smiley, I just wanted to say thank you for helping me get through all this.

I started listening at the beginning of US quarantine and I've just caught up. Unfortunately, I've had to make many cross-country trips during the pandemic for work and to move from east to west coast and back, and you frosty fellas have kept me company the whole way. A couple of my trips sent me through Raleigh, North Carolina. Anyways, just wanted to say I love you guys,

and I'll definitely get on that Patreon ASAP. Lots of love, Mason Cox. P.S. You might also want to know I mostly listen to podcasts while welding in the bathtub I work at. Also, the worst idea of all time made my top five Spotify podcasts this year. That's so lovely, and I'm so confused by the work situation. Do you weld exclusively inside a bathtub? Don't we all?

That's awesome. Sounds like a nursery rhyme. There was an old man who welded in a tub. Who he liked to weld in the tub. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm cross-platform. I'm reading all sorts of all sorts of... All sorts of... Whoa. I guess this is why we do the baton tossing on the friend zone, isn't it?

Traditionally. I've let the side down by being exhausted and tired out by Chris A. Rock's fantastic work. That was crazy. Anyway, I'm going to start reading another one we've got here. This one's from Jellicle Josh. And it came through on December 10th, 2020.

Do you want to watch Cats? 2020. I want to watch Cats with you. I felt, I mean, no. Tim. I might watch it. Or maybe I'll just watch it by myself. I would respect that.

There is a time and a place i feel like watching cats but it's not when we're apart hey boys last week in 19 at hollywood avondale's 24-hour movie marathon and thought it's something you and your listeners should know about the story goes that the owner of the cinema chooses the best weirdest and most obscure movies from his vast collection of physical film prints which he stores in warehouses all over the world. Fancy cars, the woman in the caviar. You know who we are. We got film all over the world.

That's ludicrous, baby. Every year, patrons come and choose to sit in one of the slightly uncomfortable cinema seats. I recommend bringing a pillow. Or pay a little extra to bring your own beanbag for 24 hours of hidden gems, dreck that may never be seen again, and the odd premiere of something new and wonderful between movies they sometimes show beautifully faded commercials music videos and cinema bumpers just to keep things interesting there are breaks for dinner and brekkie and occasional intermissions to stretch your legs grab a coffee and talk about the bizarre communal experience we're sharing the rules are that you aren't supposed to share any of the films that you saw to keep the experience

exclusive and possibly to avoid any legal snafus by screening these prints. So, while I can't share any specific titles, me and my back row buddies have never stopped trading awful lines like, I'm going to whip you like a stepchild, or do you mean we have a Dracula running around? I'm not involved with the marathon in any capacity other than a return customer, but if anyone wants a concentrated dose of the worst idea of all time experience, this is a great option

and helps keep one of Auckland's best repertory cinemas up and running. Say my name like you mean it. Josh. Josh is 100% correct. The Hollywood Avondale is a place that has an incredibly special part in both Guy and my hearts. And it hasn't been around for that long in its current form.

I think it was, I can't remember his name, but it's Ant Timpson's brother, I think, who runs it. It's an incredibly beautiful cinema. I've seen, I've had some fantastic cinema-going experiences. That's where I first saw the movie Heat. They played, like, 90s action films for a month towards the end of last year and michael man's heat that's the film where al pacino and robert de niro act against one another if you're ever in auckland you honestly should even if you're like here on a trip if you're here

for more than a day maybe go to the ho the Hollywood Avondale because it absolutely rocks. And it's one of the only cinemas with a 35mm projector in the country now. I'll tell you something else I'm actually doing at the Hollywood Avondale, not so far from now. Go on. I'm going to see a music event there. I'm going to watch the great Marlon Williams

play music at the Hollywood Avondale. God, that'll be nice. Yeah, it'll be so nice. It'll be so good. Should we start doing ads for the Hollywood Avondale just through the podcast? Do they know about it? They don't need to, I don't think. Then never.

Oh, why? As in, fine, sorry, I mean, I know, I mean, we should, and they should never find out about it, is what I was trying to say. Oh, okay, sweet. I didn't do a good job. It's all right. We've been going for a little while now.

I cannot describe how hot I am here in the studio. Hey, why don't we say thanks to all of our friends and get you some fresh air? Well, why don't we? All right, well, thanks to all of our friends, and Tim some fresh air? Well, why don't we? All right. Well, thanks to all of our friends. And Tim's just going to step outside for some fresh air. We'll see you next time. Bye.

Oh, if you want to see the pilot script table read, it's free for all at worstideaofalltime.com. I hope you all enjoy some fresh air like Tim. Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. It's the friend zone. We're going to have a good time. It's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Because making friends is the best idea of all time. Friend zone.