The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 121

Episode Date: May 1, 2021

Trigger Warning: One of this episode's letters contains mention of rape, in the context of a studio forcing a director to include it in a movie plotline.TODAY - We got Kelsey writing from the frontlines of Emmanuelle in Space, someone with first hand experience of meeting and hearing from trailblazing soft porn turned television director Lev L. Spiro who is a man of moral substance.We hear from Rob "Jurgan" Dukes who, inspired by Michael Hing - is drawing lines between Emmanuelle's amulet and tiara, Mr Big and the 2008 financial crisis and honestly? It makes a lot of sense. A deep dive into a live stand up comedy show that Tim has been hosting in Auckland, New Zealand and the curious source of inspiration to have a musician on stage while the comedians perform. The name of the special eludes me now but it is something to do with the heritage of the comedian's mother and children? TWIOAT Live show in Auckland: qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Friend Zone, in the Friend Zone, you're always home, in the Friend Zone, you're not alone, anytime, with Tim and Guy. Welcome to the Friend Zone. Ah, with Tim and Guy. Yes. I'm Guy. Yes. You're Tim. Yep. And you, the Tim and Guy. Yes. I'm Guy. Yes. You're Tim. Yep.

And you, the listener, is our friend. The wickedly talented. Oh, my God. Adele Dezeem. Adele Dezeem listens to this podcast? Yes. Fuck. Our sole libertarian listener.

It was Adele Dezeem all along. Yeah. Not our sole libertarian listener. Our sole listener who is also libertarian. I'd like to say that I thought you were... We have been getting messages, emails and Facebooks from a series of hundreds of fake accounts

from one very determined person who is steadfast, just set, completely set on convincing us we have an audience. They've been spoofing IP addresses, boosting our numbers. They've been contributing to us getting ad revenue. They've been creatingoofing IP addresses, boosting our numbers. They've been contributing to us getting ad revenue. They've been creating different Patreon accounts. They are as much of a reason this podcast exists as we are itself.

So to you, Adele Dazeem, star of Wicked the Musical and Uncut Gems, we say this, thank you. Uncut Gems? Yeah, Adele Dazeem is in Uncut Gems. Is she? Yeah. Adele Dazeem is in Uncut Gems. Is she? Yeah. She plays Adam Sandler's long-suffering wife. Wow, I don't remember that being Idina Menzel.

I need to watch that movie again. Who? Adele Dazeem. Thank you. Fucking puncturing the world with a joke. Also love that you didn't even mention Frozen. Oh, yeah. Which is probably now her best known role.

I've seen Frozen a lot. I've never seen it. Oh, wow. I reckon I'd love it, though. It's great. I mean, I actually, I'm, is Frozen Pixar or is it DreamWorks? Either way, it's an outstanding film. Frozen 2, arguably even better.

I think it's Disney but not Pixar. Is that right? Possibly. Are you going to look it up? Yeah, I will. And you may. Permission granted. So here's what we do on the friend zone, everybody. We check in with our friends. It is. And our friends are all of the fake accounts

that Adele Dazeem has created. Guy has lost down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, everybody. What's happening? Why the fuck is it Disney, not Pixar? Because not everything should be slapped with that Pixar brand, you know? You want your Wally's in there. You think Frozen isn't good enough for Pixar? It's not that.

It's just different. It's not a level of good. It's just different. Okay. You know? It fucks me off. You need to calm down because Kelsey says, Hi, Tim and Guy.

Greetings from Austin, Texas. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and have been listening for many years now. I'm so glad the Emmanuel films have finally evolved past two people gossiping on a plane. This was sent in December. Cool. I'm listening to your episode on emmanuel in space now i'm sure it has an actual title but yours is obviously better and was compelled to email you when you mentioned the director lev al spiro randomly i've met the guy oh shit i did a work

study program in college where i lived in los angeles and and interned for a bunch of production companies parentheses the whole thing was a huge scam in retrospect my program would regularly bring in speakers to talk to the students in the program parentheses perhaps to justify the ridiculous amounts of money they charged us and one of the speakers was lev l spiro spiro i say i like the dragon yeah it's more fun um of emmanuel in space and remember he talked about how one of his first jobs was working on roger corman produced b movies and that he directed a couple before uh leaving to work in television to quote him you can only do so many corman softcore flicks before you're that guy forever apparently his main point of contention with the company was that he refused to include

rape scenes in any movies he directed this eventually got him fired from one of the last b movies he directed the studio told him at a rape scene here wouldn't let him find a way to write around the problem to make it consensual sex, and so ended up firing Spyro. Fuck. Where he refused to do the scene. I hope you enjoy that fun fact. It's a fact. Here's another.

I actually got engaged yesterday. Lots of news here. I hope you guys are staying healthy and sane. And NZ, please feel free to say my name. Hint, the last name sounds like a hawk mulling some stuff over, not a hawk who made friends with a mule. Have fun, Tim. Kelsey Hock Muller.

Ah. So, oh! Hock Muller. Yes. No, not Muller. Muller. No. Not a hawk who made friends with a mule. So, yeah, so a hawk that's mulling something over. Oh, mulling. Muller. No. Not a hawk who made friends with a mule.

So, yeah. So, a hawk that's mulling something over. Oh, mulling. Mulling. So, Hawk Muller. Okay. So, the first one. Yeah, you got it.

I would go with X-Files, maybe. It would be an easier touchstone. I don't know X-Files. Muller and Mulder. Oh, no. That doesn't work. I got it. Portman Toad, their name.

You're a disaster. I really am. Huge shout out to Kelsey. Kelsey. And also to Liv L. really am. Huge shout out to Kelsey. And also to Lev L. Spiro. Yeah, way to stand your ground for an undeniably good, you know, you're on the right side of history. I know. And then, listen, I mean, just a refresher on what Lev went on to do

after Emmanuel in space. LL. Modern Family, Weeds, Arrested Development, Gilmore Girls, Ugly Betty, Dawson's Creek, The O.C., My Name is Earl, Everybody Hates Chris. I like how late Dawson's Creek was in that list because we were hearing a lot of modern shows and then we went back in time. I've been thinking a lot about Dawson's Creek recently. It'll be probably a really fun show to watch. Yeah, it's what I'm thinking because I am at the moment basically doing two things.

it's what i'm thinking because i am um at the moment basically doing two things i'm editing a podcast for someone else uh and it is taking far too much of my time and then when i'm not doing that i'm watching breaking bad for the first time ever is it amazing wind it's fucking good is it as good as people say um yeah i mean like you know it's so interesting that isn't it because the expectations are insane because everyone calls it the best television show ever made. And like, how the fuck can anything live up to that? But I just flick it on when I'm done working and going to go to sleep and it rules. It's super compelling.

The characters are so well written and just, it's very rare in a show that like every element of it works. I see say you know what i mean like but it does music act inconsistent acting like the ensemble cast is flawless everyone is doing a perfect job the directing is great the writing is sublime the music the cinematography just everything is quite like um what's the word like Like there's no, it's seamless. Yeah, no seams. Yeah. That's the word.

The word is no seams. Yeah. If you're a seamstress and you come in here to inspect the seams, well, you're plum out of luck because this thing is without seams. Yeah. You've not watched it either? Not seen any of it. Yeah.

I had not. Do you know, I think I watched the last episode once like four years ago, but I've got a flash of a memory Of how it all ends But I don't care It's great to see the movie Yeah yeah I'll watch it maybe one day

Yep The thing I've been thinking lately Is I'm going to start watching Bojack Horseman from the start again Fuck that's worthwhile But quite an emotional journey Huge emotional journey But also a lot of the best

Like irreverent sort of throwaway and sight gags. Yes. In television. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, there's a common link there. What? The voice of Todd, I believe, plays. Aaron Paul.

That's right, Jesse Pinkman. When you first started seeing Jesse Pinkman, did you think of Todd? No. And funnily enough, there is a character called Todd in the fourth and fifth season. Is Bob Odenkirk in the show yet? Yes. Is that a lot of fun? He's there quite, he comes in in the second season.

Yeah, he rules. And this is the good thing, is that I'm almost done with Breaking Bad and then I get to watch all of Better Call Saul. And you will do that, you'll go straight on to it. Yeah, I think so. Good for you, man. Hello, Tim and Guy. Hello, person. I'm a long-time listener.

Couldn't tell you how long because I can barely remember last week, let alone when your dulcet tones first entered my ears. Whoa, sassy. That's how I talk when people write things

in parentheses. Mm-hmm. Oh, I don't know. A hand in front of the mouth to indicate only certain people should hear this. Long time listener and first time messenger. But I wanted to commemorate that I just started paying the boys via Patreon.

You two fellas have brought me so much joy. Thank you for peeking out the microphone. So many giggles over the years. Often helping me to distract myself from stressful life situations or just maintain my status as the main character of my neighborhood as I laugh maniacally to myself while walking my dog and listening to your antics. That is so good. I am the main character of my neighborhood

because I listen to a good podcast that makes me giggle out loud. That fucking owns. i like that perspective a life goal of mine to someday see the shimmering shores of new zealand with my own eyes and hopefully catch one or both of your shows but until then i'm landlocked in kansas usa and twiowat will have to suffice love to you both and if you read this on the friend zone, please say my name. Maggie. Thank you, Maggie.

Do you reckon we should change our national anthem? New Zealand's? Absolutely. It was won by a guy who, it was like written through a songwriting competition. Was it really? I'm pretty sure via a newspaper. And some guy dashed off this drab tune

that now we all have to fucking sing. It is on par with Happy Birthday in terms of being an all-time terrible melody. It is a stinker. And the lyrics, we are one of the, or not most prominent, but we are a secular

nation yes and it's kind of part of our national character yeah and the opening line of our anthem is god of nations isn't it cool god defend new zealand yeah it's the name of the god that's i don't even know that confidently because i hate it we got a lot of bangers that we could swap out for it um loyalal. Exactly. Loyal by Dave Dobbin. If you haven't heard it, pause the podcast, put on Loyal.

Now we're putting it on. Oh yeah, we can play music. I mean, yeah. I feel like Bliss would be incredible, but it's possibly too much of a banger for an anthem. What do you mean? You've got to like be a bit demure with your national anthems. This is loyal.

I think it's probably like I can't play guitar but I imagine it would be not the most challenging song on a guitar so someone could just bust it out

in a London pub bring many tears to the eye. This probably happens already. It doesn't need to be a national anthem for that to occur. Dave Dobbin is one of the greats.

I can't remember last time I thanked you Keeping my distance unintentional And too close for comfort But staying close enough Can't remember this bit. Time to flick over to my vote for the national anthem. Fuck. Now, the way you spell the band name is T-H apostrophe

and then the word dudes. It's the dudes, but there's no E. They're in a rush. Yeah. What's the band name? The dudes. The dudes. The dudes.

But this song fucking rules. They call it bliss because you can't just scream the word piss in a song when you bring it out in the 80s, I think. It's actually an anti-drinking song. But it's been championed as the greatest beer drinking song in the history of New Zealand. How is it anti-drinking? Because if you listen to the articulation of the protagonist. Is he having a bad time? Yeah, the person's having a bad time.

You know, it's one of those confusing songs where it sounds really happy but the content's actually a little bit sad. Fight for Your Right is similar to that as well. Bring yourself a kiss Forget about the last one, get yourself another We're having a lot of fun on the friend zone today. Music, huh? Drink yourself up, please

Who knows what special AI DRM services are going to do with this audio content. Impossible to say. All I can tell you is that it's a great song and my vote for our national anthem. Certainly a welcome replacement to the shit we put up with. If you want to release a song that's going to be adopted by drunkards, you just need something that is very basic melodically and also of an attainable, like, what's the word I'm looking for?

Like scale, you know, to sing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want it to be in the mid-range. Exactly. Accessible to the most possible people. And a lot of the lyrics of that song are, Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that's loud on mic, but you've really got to be in the studio to appreciate just how loud Tim went then. Yeah, which is like perfect for piss heads. Yeah, yeah. To retain those sorts of lyrics. It's not untrue.

Did I read the last one or did you? I think I did. Mate, we're groovy. You want me to read again? Yeah. Okay. Let the good times roll. In the words

of, um, whose song is that? Let the good times roll. He's searching it up, folks. The Cars. Neither of us can remember. The Cars. R.I.P. Fuck the Cars rule. Yeah, you're right. Loving season thus far,

loving season five thus far, your episode with Hing revealed a remarkable fact about the magical world of Emmanuel. As I understand, there is a tiara and or amulet that is powered by sex and can manipulate the stock market. Emmanuel uses it for sexual gratification, but it could obviously also make someone fabulously wealthy. Why waste hours poring over financial journals

when you can just watch the giant stonks arrow change with your dick? I don't know what the stonks arrow is, but it's in inverted commas. Oh, mate, can you please fucking get on Reddit and stop this nonsense

of you not being on Reddit? Get the memes in you. I'm off Reddit, and I'm off, I'm not joining Reddit, and I'm not joining TikTok. and I'm not joining TikTok. Okay? But I actually saw you went viral on TikTok the other day.

I don't know if it counts as going viral. The numbers are crazy on there. It's all kind of – it's like, you know, when Facebook started doing videos and everyone was getting like a million views, it was like, am I an internet sensation? Or is this algorithm broken? No, they've completely broken it to try and coax ad revenue out of people to a scale which is not commensurate with the exposure they're getting.

It worked, though. It did for a while, and then there were some lawsuits. Fuck, I saw the funniest tweet the other week. Did you see it? It was someone retweeting or, like, quote-tweeting Mark Zuckerberg. It was a screenshot of a status update Mark Zuckerberg put on Facebook that said, do you ever get so excited about what you're working on that you forget to eat meals? And someone had tweeted out with the caption,

something incredibly bad is about to happen. Fucking A. Anyway. I saw a tweet About Zuckerberg Just recently That he was He saw like A two for one Soup sale

In the supermarket And was like My kind of sale And I didn't I had a little Cursory Google And I couldn't get To the bottom

Of whether it was Photoshopped or not But I want to believe It was real It would be His attempt at Being relatable It would be real

He's a multi-billionaire I know but Multi but like He's not He's not setting foot In aaire. I know, but multi-billionaire. He's not setting foot in a supermarket. They're some of the tightest people going, though. The ultra-wealthy. I feel like part of how they've become ultra-wealthy is to protect ultra-wealth.

There's no way Mark Zuckerberg has set foot inside a supermarket in the last 10 years. There's no way. He's got a guy for that. He doesn't even need to eat food. Nah. He's a soy... What is that shit called?

I don't know. Soylent? Is that what it was called? Oh, that fucking astronaut food. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he shits liquid. It's not great. A man wouldn't even need to know

how to read or distinguish colours to become wealthy. He would just need to have a healthy sex life. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this did mr big somehow have access to these artifacts i just want to point out that um the device isn't powered by sex and i am now trying to remember the mechanical relationship between the stock market and sex and the device in that particular episode. You're not going to pull it off. So we'll just pretend that.

Hold on. We can do this. No, we can't. Do you remember? No. Do you not? I'm not even going to try. It was only about four or five Emanuels ago.

And the guy was like a stockbroker. fuck how did it work it's not worth it man because also this is this will be undermining the premise of the okay here it is the correspondence the device did influence the rising and falling of the stock market it did it did but it's not powered by sex yeah it just sort of exists on its own thing So I think Yeah you're dead right Anyway it says How much Did Mr Big somehow Have access to these artifacts

How much of the economic activity Of the late 90s And early 2000s Is attributable To Chris Knoth's libido Could the end of the 90s boom Have been caused By the beginning

Of his rocky relationship With Carrie Right right right I don't know nearly enough About the franchise To try to map its plot twists Onto economic events But I do have one big data point.

The Sex and the City movie was released in 2008. Of course. Big and Carrie broke up at the altar. And then... Global financial crisis. The greatest economic catastrophe in 75 years hit. Pretty damning stuff. Say my name, Rob Juergen Dukes.

All right. Mr. Juergen, let's get into it. Burton, I believe. What have you got, Tim? Mr. Big has very thick hair. If you were going to hide a tiara which is made of plastic and has a flashing

heart LED in it inside someone's hair, I reckon Mr. Big is a prime candidate. It is not only possible but i posit incredibly likely that the man is wearing both the amulet because we never see him shirtless in the movies and the tiara at all times we have seen a couple of examples of people fucking around with wearing both devices at once and you become incredibly powerful. So powerful that the power cannot be contained within Emmanuel when she attempts to wield it. Someone who's experienced.

It overpowers her. Mr. Big perhaps is a more sturdy vessel for the kind of cosmic energy coursing through those shitty $2 shop pieces of jewellery. And I think Mr. Juergen Ms. Juergen? I don't know who this was. I can't remember. Rob Juergen. Rob. Or just call him Burton. He's stumbled

across something truly revelatory. And correct. There you go. Congratulations, Rob. Verified go. Congratulations, Rob. Verified by my man, Tim. You want another one? Yeah, I'll take another. Hey, Tim, I'll say this.

Forget about the last one. Get yourself another. Hannah writes, Kia ora, Gim and Tai. I am riding on day 10 of my stay in managed isolation in Jet Park, surely New Zealand's finest quarantine facility. Sounds like someone contracted COVID. No, no, no.

Isn't that why you go to Jet Park? Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, fuck, okay, sorry. I'm out of the news cycle. I've had two tests back. I almost definitely don't have corona, so I'm just pacing around my room. Oh, it takes me

back when we were calling it Corona. Yeah. Waiting for freedom and thought I would finally email my friends Tim and Guy. I'm glad you did, Hannah. I've been listening for a long time. I may be the only listener converted to Twio app from Nick Sampson and Joseph Moore's

pre-Little Empire film podcast, Cheap Tuesday. You guys keep getting better and better, even though the premise gets worse and worse. Thank you. I emailed to say hi to my friends. Hi, you pieces of shit. Thank you. And also to hype the Patreon podcast, Killionaire. I'm not a huge improv fan, having completely fried my brain on it in my first couple of years of uni, but I love, love, love

the weird dystopian version of Aotearoa you've created and would 100% buy political Oakuni carrot merch or the Rush Hour official paraphernalia. There isn't enough NZ-centric speculation fiction out there, and it is so exciting to hear some top-tier

stupid shit. Love you, boys. Say my name, Hannah Gabriel. Hannah Gabriel, come on down. Thank you for that message. I assume that by the time we have read it, you are moving free throughout Aotearoa Godzone. Yeah, good on you.

That's probably a safe assumption, right? I reckon. One hundo. Well, fucking well done. Yeah. Hannah's getting it. And by it, I mean freedom. Shall I read one more and then we'll finish? I don't know.

I reckon. Yeah. There's people down, like, I can hear people at your house having a beer and having a good time. Yeah. What do you think we're doing? I finished my beer. And we and having a good time yeah what do you think we're doing i finished my beer and we're having a good time but i'm just imagining a world where we step away from the mics for just a minute not happening and we spend quality time as friends absolutely not

absolutely not outlawed overridden on what grounds there's work to be done the work of pornography and supporting pornography associated products man sometimes i feel like the rest of the world's going to watch enough porn that we won't have to but tim keeps telling me that tim keeps telling me that porn viewership across the globe is down and we need to do this to keep the fledgling industry alive. When the day comes that the porn industry gets back on its feet after this little blip we call the internet, which is taking a real bite out of the profits of the operation, then we can relax, kick back and have a beer with our friends.

But not a moment before. Until then, we're just riding side saddle. All right. Hey, boys. Actually, more messaging, Tim. friends but not a moment until then we're just riding side saddle all right hey boys actually more messaging tim this is about the fuck around oh yep okay this is a very specific message the fuck around is a uh is it can i ask the first name of who this is from mitchell okay we don't necessarily know fuck this is. The Fuck Around is a comedy show that Tim puts on and hosts. It happens in the real world, though, like in the meat space.

Yeah. So it's not an internet product. No, that's right. It feels weird to talk about it on the friend zone. And you have a live drummer on stage who scores the show. Yes, generally Luke Boyes from Dick Move. Well, Mitchell continues. He says, I realized too late that you had the drummer on stage

to try to replicate the pianist from the show with the title about mum and kids. What are you talking about? What? Mum and kids? I realized too late that you had the drummer on stage. It's like I'm lifting a template from some other show. Try to replicate the pianist from the show with the title about mum and kids. I'm not quite connecting the dots there, Mitchell. Myself?

I'm sure Guy can remember the name and explain it. Well, Guy, let's hear it. Well, I remember there was a movie. It was something to do with the ethnicity of a certain comedian's family. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I see what's happened here. I think it was Rob Schneider.

My God. And I'm pretty sure the special was called, I do know, Asian Mama, Mexican Kids. And my instincts were bang on because his mama is Asian. His kids, however, and you're not going to believe this, are Mexican. And so I believe that those two pieces of information of what he drew from to to name the special so the the speculative piece of information here from mitchell is that you were trying to replicate the experience of rob schneider pulling a pianist out halfway through his hour-long comedy special on netflix can i say this mitchell with a little bit of an assist from Guy Montgomery, has fucking owned me on my own podcast.

So good job with trying as it made things interesting, but unfortunately it didn't click until later for me. Also, with the whole joke about how we settled down due to grain, this is really specific to you, right? You had a joke about grain right you have a joke about grain sure that's true but also a large part of it is that humans wanted to make alcohol and that also helped to make us a settled people which was funny as you were ranting against settling down after getting thrown a beer on stage depends which anthropologist you follow when beer is to blame

for it all i know i still haven't paid the boys and i definitely need to get around to that but in the meantime i'll go to the gigs that I'll go to the gigs that I can. Go to the gigs that I can make, as long as you make a good job in advertising them, as I would not have known about the fuck around if not for looking up the best host of all time. Hopefully able to see more gigs in the future. Say my name, Mitchell. P.S. You don't have to read this out if you don't want to. And I'm the same Mitchell as mentioned on Friends on 90. So Mitchell, he's made a cameo before and uh he's coming to the real show

yeah it was a popular side character because he's back baby mitchell you've actually teed us up for a perfect dismount from this episode of the friendzone because the best host of all time is happening very soon as part of the new zealand international comedy festival what is it well on thursday may 20th at ranga Teira in Kew Theatre, Auckland, New Zealand, Tim and I will pit our minds, bodies, and mental stability against one another as across our illustrious seven to eight years of podcasting together,

we finally answer the question, who is the superior host? I'm talking special guests. I'm talking challenges brought by both Tim and myself to surprise one another with on the night of the show. There's going to be a live stream so if you're not in New Zealand, you will be able to buy tickets to be a part of this experience.

They might be on sale now. Check the episode notes. There's a fucking high chance they are. Also, Tim and I are performing our solo shows throughout the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. If you're in New Zealand, specifically Wellington and Auckland, please come out and see us. Say hi afterwards.

We'd love to know you're out there. Tim's show is called Classy Warfare. Yes, it is. In Wellington. Yep. Very soon. And then Auckland. And then Auckland. I am doing a show called Guy Montgomery by name, Guy Montgomery by nature. Also in Wellington and Auckland on different weeks.

The information you need is in the show notes. We love you. We care about you. And we want you to have a good time. Yeah. Now I'm going to expressly not have a good time because Tim told me I'm not allowed to. Because we have to save the porn industry. Yes.

Two men with their backs against their wall. Yes. Just doing their best to get hard and get a little industry over the line.