The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 135

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

Mouth ulcers are looking for exciting new real estate opportunities and teeth don't make any sense! The boiz are invited to enjoy Netflix's The GOOP Lab(oratory) and/or conduct a miniseries of podcasts from a bathtub. We also hear from a new father who is infecting his baby son's brain with Tim and Guy. Plus - a room that can speak Chinese (not a language btw) when the occupant cannot. It is a mess.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime) VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com) MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight) ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer everybody ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing In the friend zone, we're always home In the friend zone, you're not alone Anytime with Tim and Guy Hello, friend. I am Guy. Hello, friend. It's me, your better friend. That's right. Ref right reflected in my computer screen

looking directly at me and currently beaming into your ears is the delightful tim bat delightful but not delighted oh no tim whatever is the problem? Wow. Patreon powers will know this. Maybe already depending on how I'm releasing these but everyone else won't. I got The people, Tim, before you say this, the people absolutely have a right to know.

People have a right to know. I've got a mouth ulcer on my tongue. Up top or down low? Like on the end. Oh, right on the tip? Yeah. Such a weird place for an ulcer and it really sucks.

I respect it. That's an ulcer that's like, you know, looking for exciting new real estate opportunities. Ulcers traditionally would never think to look on the tip of the tongue. Very shitty. Very shitty. Very annoying. Makes it hard to talk. Changes the shape of one's mouth when you do.

And it makes eating salt and vinegar chips, my very favorite flavor, a real nightmare. Is that how you found out you had an ulcer coming on? No, I could feel it. I could feel it the whole time. It's crazy. The tongue's proximity to the teeth. Olive has bitten her tongue a few times recently, and she's sort of just like, what the f- Like, the pain is obviously huge,

and she's also so put out by it. She's like, what the f- is this? Yeah, man. I so agree with her. It is a massive design flaw that we've got these incredibly sharp strong chompers designed just to bite down on shit right next to this big fleshy muscle

thing that wiggles around too much what are we like if only we were like bacteria, wait did bacteria do this? digesting stuff outside our bodies and then absorbing the nutrients ok, here's a challenge for you Tim I'm thinking of a TV show, might be Nickelodeon,

would have been, you know, of our vintage coming up, might be a Cartoon Network show. But some of the characters, they might have been villains, they're very simple, were amoebas. They were characters that were just amoebas and they were like the thickest characters on the show. They were kind of gross. Dinging any bells was it in cartoon cartoon that same thing that had like um prometheus and bob and i don't know but i can remember like the imagery of of the amoebas on yeah on that

i don't know man i'm gonna read a message aloud while you find that guy because that's why we're here to share some beautiful messages mainly to peep ourselves up the amoeba boys from the powerpuff girls oh powerpuff girls can i read you this they're like sort of they they yeah they they sort of um they all wear like fedoras or hats they're sort of i think meant to be like gangsters i know it has nothing to do with sandler or the other films but i need you to watch goop labs with gwyneth paltrow immediately oh that is actually a really fun idea it is a fun idea we should do this It is the most batshit insane thing

I've ever, this would be actually a good thing to watch with my wife Zoe I was thinking the same thing Chelsea's always going off at Gwyneth Paltrow for her skincare advice and how she doesn't wear enough sunscreen She watched a video of Gwyneth Paltrow applying

sunscreen and she's like yelling at the computer that it's not enough sunscreen chelsea's got incredible skin i feel like she'd really she knows her skincare shit like she's got that she's got that knowledge oh you better believe it every back to the email here every moment is like being gaslit and tortured i have seen every movie and thing you have watched minus some of the Patreon ones, and can say this is literally the most psycho thing I've ever seen. It makes Cats 2019 look like a normal film. If you do decide to hurt yourself watching Goop Labs,

lowercase on purpose, please do a director's commentary or two. Hearing you react in real time would be the funniest thing imaginable. It's on Netflix and bafflingly made with good intentions and sincerity, it's insane thank you, bye that was sent to us in

late April this year when that show came out I always had a really good time calling it Goop Laboratory to shorten it to labs, kind of like deliberately muddies or undercuts you know how seriously gwyneth paltrow is taking herself in this brand of wellness like if if you know the the level of scrutiny that the claims and shit she's peddling should be held up to is that of anything that comes out of a scientific laboratory.

And to call your show Goop Labs like undercuts that very point. It's not a fucking lab, all right? If you're saying that this shit works, you better have run it through a laboratory, Gwyneth. How like... She's gotten obscenely wealthy from goop is my understanding. Like multi,

multi, I think tens of millions of dollars going right into Gwyneth Paltrow's pocket. One of the great celebrity profiles I've ever read was a profile in the New York Times on Gwyneth Paltrow. This is by a woman who I discovered her writing because she wrote this sensational sort of like very humanizing and up close but also unflinching profiles of various different celebrities. The author's name is Taffy Brodiser-Akner.

And the one of Gwyneth Paltrow was so interesting. She was spending time in Gwyneth Paltrow's kitchen with Gwyneth Paltrow and her children and Gwyneth Paltrow's new husband. And then Chris Martin from Coldplay like walks into the kitchen. It's all very new age. Everyone's getting along. They're friendly. Like Chris Martin's cracking jokes with the new partner.

It was fucking bizarre. They live on this like, you know, they live on this like you know they live on this it's they're not we don't we walk the same earth but we live in different realities yeah and also can i just say while we're here i know this is not necessarily what the friend zone's for but the author of that piece taffy brought us to acna she went on to write one of my favorite novels from a few years ago, which I think is being adapted to an HBO show. It's called Fleshman is in Trouble. And if anyone is looking for a great book that is very smashable and you can sink your teeth into immediately with no fuss,

might I recommend that? Nice one, Guy. People do periodically put requests in for your book requests Ah wow You're a good juicy reader You really know how to sell a book There's one for anyone I think

Yeah it would be Goop Labs would be a good thing for us to watch God knows if we'd find the time Everyone's got lives to live and things to do But that would be a fun one to do with Zoee and chelsea does she does gwyneth paltrow she kind of she knows right like i think i remember a clip of her on a talk show i can't remember what one and i think it was fallon or camel and he brings up like the vagina jade egg thing. Is that what it's supposed to do? She's like, I don't know. She just like gives up any pretense of even trying to sell

that it actually does something to improve your health. It's just also incredible that the show's called, or the brand's called Goop. Yeah. It's a slap in the face. The word Goop next to the word laboratory and she's selling you a candle that smells like her vagina and people are buying it.

People are buying it for like so much money. If it wasn't such a sort of, you know, the people who are buying it are people who aspire to a life that they will presumably never attain. Well, this is what makes it. If it didn't sit so attain well this is what makes it sit so poorly this is what makes it funny for me because i there are some hucksters that i think target poor people like i'm thinking of those um payday loan schemes where you know they target families who are experiencing financial hardship and then get them on the hook and suddenly they're paying like 800 interest per year gwyneth paltrow i feel like is targeting to like the fucking

thickest richest people around where they're just handing over money but they've got it and it's not really much skin off their nose that's what makes it comedy i think these people are just dumb tragic tragic, wealthy people. Yeah, that's forgivable. But there'll also be people who'll be trying to, you know. There's some collateral damage. Inevitably. But we must accept it at its face comedic value.

This is a place for laughter. We're not here to become too introspective or solve the world's ills. We're just trying to have a good time with our friends. We're just trying to have a introspective or solve the world's ills we're just trying to have a good time with our friends we're just trying to have a good time on the friend zone gwyneth is it a crime today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer everybody ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately.

Borderlands, now playing. Now, what have I got here? Something along the lines of this. Dear Frosty fellas Hello This is recent I've just signed up to the Patreon As I've gained a lot of enjoyment

From listening to your podcast Over the past year or so It's definitely one of the best podcasts around It never ceases to make me laugh And brighten my day I've been catching up with you Hey, shut up guy Thank you very much.

You can continue. I've been catching up with your podcast in a tree series recently, and I often listen to your podcast while I'm sat in the tub, as that's my favorite place to unwind. I was thinking maybe you could do a short series entitled Podcast in a Bath if you need a break after finishing Emmanuel. Do you know, it's so funny you should bring that up because when tim first started happening he asked if i had any uh segments i wanted to do and my segment idea was was it called tub time yeah tub time with guy

and it was just crossing to me live in the bar. And Stryon Cole made the most violent-sounding intro for it, this really loud intro sequence. It was so good. This is a parenthesis after talking about the Emmanuel. Love this series so much. It just keeps getting better and better. The acoustics would be terrible,

but maybe you could throw in a few exclusive segments. Biggest bath bubbles, loudest bath farts, et cetera. I don't know. Think about it. Congratulations, Tim, on becoming a father. Love you both. Oh, love you both and love the show. Say my name, David in London.

P.S. I just completed my first graphic novel that's taken me almost six years to complete. Damn, dude. It's called 13 Nights by David Fate, and it's available on Amazon. Sorry for the shameless self-promotion. You don't have to read this out. If you'd like to have a read of it and let me know what you think, that would be amazing.

I'll send you a free PDF. XXX, well, David, we have read it out out and as someone who's in the patreon you will know full well how happy we are to hear that your product is listed on amazon um as all money spent on amazon helps line the pockets of jeff bezos a man who we are desperately trying to push over that one trillion dollar mark for reasons that we cannot go into here who brought up the idea of goop? oh wait that was one from me wasn't it? it was one of mine

thank you David just to reiterate if anyone's interested in David's graphic novel it's called 13 Nights and that's nights like men in metal on horses not nights as in it's not daytime and that's nights like men and metal on horses, not nights as in it's not daytime, by David Fate.

I've started a Google Doc, Guy, that I'm going to share you into now because we constantly get these fantastic ideas pitched to us and we retain none of them. Yeah, of course. So I'm making you an editor of this document and we can just pop our brilliant little ideas and in one day if we've got a spare moment we can be like let's go to the old ideas page make some of these things a reality yeah boy kia ora tim and guy i write this from altiroa day 12 into the sleep deprived haze of parenthood with our beautiful

baby boy. We are fumbling around trying to figure out what routine works for the wee fella, but one thing which is locked down is me sitting up with him until about 1am listening to the worst idea of all time to let my wife get some much-needed sleep. To say the first few years basically form our personalities and map out the rest of our lives, it makes me wonder what sexual perversions I'm fostering in him by listening to the Emmanuel series while he sleeps, his wee brain soaking up every word.

Will he frustratingly just grind Mons Pubis to Mons Pubis, never reaching completion? Will he have an aching desire for any and all of his boners to be inspected? Who's to say? Assuming the podcast is still going, I'll get back to you with an update in 15 to 20 years. Don't say my name. I don't really want

my speculation on my son's future sexual preferences to be traced back to me. Sorry, perversions. Keep up the good work. Bought a couple of TWIAT onesies so you can expect a few cents to dribble into your bank account when you get your cut from Unnamed in May. Thank you, Unnamed author in May.

Love that you are fucking up your son with our content. No, no, no, not fucking up. There's the podcasting. You know, people play like Beethoven to the babies who are still in the womb. Oh, I've been playing Duke Ellington. For Remy? My three-week-old, yep.

I think this will be interesting to listen to the podcast. I had the great honor of actually meeting Remy from a safe distance. Yeah, this is interesting because at time of recording, Guy and I have been in lockdown in our city for about two months now. We're stuck in our houses. But we very gratefully and graciously got to spend some time with you and Zoe, Chels and I did, out in your backyard. And Remy, he's a honey, that guy. He's a cool little baby.

He's a relaxed baby. He slept the whole time. He has big cheeks, presumably lined with milk. Yeah. He's a happy boy, and I'm happy for both of you. You guys seem so – Chels and I spoke about it a lot on the way home. You seem so at ease and relaxed and surprisingly well-rested.

For now, I'm touching any piece of wood around me. Understandably. All right. I don't know if I've played this before. Someone sent in a new theme song for the Friend Zone. You want to hear it? Yeah. Hey, Tim.

Long time listener. Awesome show. Great job. I think that's a Tim and Eric reference. So I knocked a little something something up for you guys. If you want, I went the route of old school 80s 8-bit rock or like Street Fighter or Scott Pilgrim for that matter. Sounds familiar to me. Let me know what you think.

Hope you dig it, and are keen to use it. Didn't include any ID tags on the track, so feel free to use. I'm including various file formats. I could probably skip over this bit. I'm actually a composer normally, so if you want any other music,

feel free to reach out. Okay. Here we go. Side note, I've noticed another connection with the sandler verse right at the start of grown-ups one i think the hollywood agent lenny is yelling at on the phone in his living room is actually sandy wexler from another sandler film by the same name which makes sense with how he ends the phone call with i love you too bye all the best james i like that which makes sense with how he ends the phone call with, I love you too. Bye. All the best, James. I like that.

And here, we have had this. Welcome to the friend zone. You can play the Dastardly Trilogy. It's just Dastardly. It's just Dastardly It's just the worst Get that in ya Oh Dastardly's so good Dick Dastardly He's one of your all time cartoon villains If you're listening and you weren't familiar

with Wacky Races which was one of my favourite shows as a boy Look up Dick Dastardly. He's got an iconic look. It's a fantastic name. Him and his dog, Muttley, who has a very famous laugh. They were always causing trouble. And they actually got name-dropped in an MF Doom track on the Mad Villainy album.

Anyway, I've just aged myself and dated this podcast. R.I.P. I've got a lot of... To you, you old fuck. What are you having trouble with? You look visibly like you're struggling. I'm seeing you on a webcam right now look visibly like you're struggling. I'm seeing you on a webcam right now, and you look like you are struggling. I've just, there's like,

there's a writer. Get this, everyone. There's a writer. Oh, no, here we go. This is all from, it starts here. And it ends now. But it starts as though we're in the middle of a conversation about something with this author

if you could see the way this is formatted you would understand my confusion so I'll just start reading from here forth I'm reading the thank you guy I've got it so I was going to say apparently Billie Eilish who's enjoying quite a bit of success and fame

at the moment had a perfectly healthy upbringing I think there's a doc about her that covers it then we get to this damn thought experiment god damn it tim chinese room a man in a room full of shelves of books each book has a chinese character on it the man cannot read chinese every day someone slips a piece of paper with a phrase written in chinese on it under the door of the room the man looks at the phrase then looks through the books finding each character used in the phrase inside the books that indicate a corresponding chinese character with complex rules for what characters should come before and after it based on what the note from under the door says in the end the man has written his own note based on the instructions of the books he slides his note under the door to the outside of the room and his note is a chinese phrase that

responds to chinese phrase that he received based on the instructions of the books but the man never knew how to read chinese no it would appear so the room knew how to speak it though. No. This is a thought. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I don't even think the, you made that up.

Whoever wrote that in, you made that up. The one I was remembering on a recent episode is a thought experiment called mary's room which you can look up it's about the the um sort of quality of knowing something of knowledge of this thing in philosophy called qualia it's not this fight chinese isn't a language also this is really bugging me recently because I felt like about five years ago writ large people got it through their thick skull and started saying like you know Mandarin or Cantonese or whatever and now I think post-Trump we've like regressed back to just calling it Chinese there's no such fucking language as Chinese that is true but also specific to the conversation we're having beside the point

uh yeah true yeah so the the the message continues so we'll just imagine that you didn't go on that hugest side when you were cross right this is a thought experiment used to illustrate the difference between awareness and intelligence and the gap between human consciousness and that of machines. The computer analyzes machine language according to its programming to respond to inputs, but it does not have a conscious understanding

of what the inputs and responses mean. There is an indie film made in Toronto called You Are Here, and I had the pleasure of seeing it at a film festival, and it has a fascinating section where they literally visualize this thought experiment by having a guy be in a room doing it. Afterwards, the guy seems quite disassociated. Might be worth checking out if you can find it.

I'd quite like for you to read this on the friendzone since I think you'd get a kick out of it though maybe thousands of others are rushing to make the same explanation in any case if you do read it don't say my name i don't want people calling me out on my inaccuracies i'm pretty sure i got it close enough oh also guy mentioning the alan partridge book inspired me to check out the audio book. Thanks for that. Shit, sorry. There's a confusing typo in the explanation of the Chinese room, but I can't remove the post,

and I really doubt you'll read this version before the other, but it should be. Oh, no. Chinese room. Oh, God. A man lives in a room full of shelves of books. Each book has a Chinese character on it.

Nah, fuck this. I'm out. The man cannot read Chinese. Every day. Do you want me to go on or no? I don't think so. I think I got the point of it. Okay. Did you? Do you feel like you understood what it was about?

No, because there's still so many more messages in this correspondence. You know what? So I'm going to fast forward. You know what? Read them all. Keep going. You want me to read the amended Chinese room? Chinese room.

A man lives in a room full of shelves of books. Each book has a Chinese character on it. The man cannot read Chinese. Every day, someone slips a piece of paper with a phrase written in Chinese on it under the door of the room. The man looks at the phrase, then looks through the books, finding each character used in the phrase. Inside the books that indicate a corresponding Chinese character, there is a character that the man is meant to write down in response, with complex rules for what characters should come before and after it

based on what the note from under the door says. In the end, the man has written his own note, based on the instructions of the books. He slides his note under the door to the outside of the room, and his note is a Chinese phrase that responds to the Chinese phrase that he received based on the instructions of the books. But the man never knew how to read Chinese. It would appear as though the room knew how to speak it, though.

Whatever. If the actual thought experiment blows your minds appropriately on air, it'll all be worth it. Well, I'm sorry sorry i cannot keep up it varied from minor annoyance to outright confusion refame the range you don't want to be overlooked but you don't want to be looked over too much was it just so this is like. Getting some hot takes now.

This is just someone responding to things we've said in real time. So refame, in quotation marks, you don't want to be overlooked, but you don't want to be looked over too much, which I would probably, I would agree with that sentiment. And then beneath that, Reichswerk Iceland is also constantly under development. I remember seeing historic photos of the city around the city hall area and remarking that not one of them liked the presence

of a piece of construction equipment. I think that must have been a response to Auckland. Anyhow, I'm glad we caught up on all of that and to the author whose name I won't mention because they asked for me not to um your correspondence is appreciated but it was it was confusing for me so i don't know if it's a note for future but maybe just you know maybe just create very clear delineations for where one thought starts and ends

instead of just like you're in conversation with us and we are responding. I think it's the perfect place to end today's friend zone, to be honest. Yeah. Okay. Mainly because it does hurt to talk. Of course, because of your ulcer scenario. Yes. So I'm going to leave it there.

Got a lot to look forward to, though, folks. American Thanksgiving is coming just around the corner, and you know what that means. It's the old annual get-together with the McElroy boys so that we can do till death do us blart the eternal podcast with Guy and I join Justin

and Travis and the other one whatever his fucking name is to watch forgot about all that thanks to just what the doctor ordered that's what i feel like doing

um and other things to look forward to uh some of you might not be vaccinated yet but you could get vaccinated and then you will have a much much higher immunity against the novel coronavirus which as i've said before the novelty's wearing pretty freaking thin today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing