The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 147

Episode Date: April 10, 2022

Welcome back to the nursery, where two young bucks in their mid-30s are trying to guess how old they'll live to. A baby is well and truly ON BOARD for the episode and so is a plethora of great messages from you - the sole and libertarian listener. The fellaz go through the list of some of the top Larry's and hear from a couple travelling through Costa Rica. Mostly crucially though, we have a beautiful invitation to join a southern man for some supper in a forest. Check out The Cryptonaturalist which Guy recently featured on.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / SubstackGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Friend Zone, in the Friend Zone, you're always home, in the Friend Zone, you're not alone, anytime, with Tim and Guy. Friend Zone, Tim and Guy, back in the baby's nursery. Yeah, the new studio. New house, new studio. 101.5 FM. It's baby drive time. I hope you can hear the percussive sounds of Remy on rattle. Yeah.

I'm coming in real hot. I want him to learn an instrument, preferably piano or keyboard. I thought you were learning the trumpet. What? I learn trumpet. Oh, him. You want him. Yeah, I don't know piano. That's what I want him to do.

I want to live vicariously through my child. The healthiest thing you can do. Wow. I also want to get him into sports. Yeah, you've told me that. I've got him pegged as a cricketer. You've said Taylor and I, you want his godfather and myself to take him to black caps games. I also just think it'd be a sick opportunity for the four of us

to have a few beers and go to the Oval. Flash forward, what? What's that? 18 years? How old are we in 18 years? Who cares? He'll be 18 and a half. Yeah, and you'll be 52.

Is that right? I think so. Yeah, I'll go with that 52 is young nowadays man yeah yeah yeah what number are you aiming for man i'm looking what do you mean to survive to ah uh i just spent some time with my dad my dad is in sensational nick. Great form. How old? I hope I'm not blowing up his spot. I accused him of being 67 and he corrected me and said he was 64 because that's true. Wow, wow. I think my dad had his birthday recently, I think. 68?

Based on how my dad's tracking, if i can forge that same path if i can sign me up to i'm not gonna say triple digits but i reckon like late 80s and i'll still be having a good time i remember when i was a teen i was sort of 80 and then he's too young yeah 80 looks young and then you know 85 i've just I've got such big desire. But you see some elderly... You see, I don't even know how old he is, but Larry David, there's a lot of life in him. And physically... How old is he, though?

He is aspirational to me. I want to be like a sinewy... I keep saying this to anyone who will listen. Yeah. My final form, I want to be this sinewy... He's like... I think he's 73. I think him and Letterman are the same age. Whoa, 73?

Yeah. He looks better than Letterman, but he's always looked 54. Larry David has always looked 54 as a result of his hairline. It's the same with Patrick... Schwarzenegger? No, no, no. Fucking Jean-Luc Picard.

Professor Xavier. Oh, Patrick Stewart. Yeah, Patrick Stewart. Like, when he was a young man, lost all his hair. So he's always looked like 46. I just want to tell you. So I'm Googling Larry David over here to get his number. Yeah, yeah.

And it's 74. Yeah. But he is not even in the top five Larrys that Google think I'm interested in. Yeah, please, give me. Larry Bird in there? Larry Page? Oh, Google? Computer scientist.

Yeah, he's the Google co-founder, I think. Larry Hoover? No idea. I don't know who that is. Larry... I don't know who that was eitherry i don't know who that was either i clicked on him oh no now you've upset the larry algorithm that's right i have oh it's all gone wrong here's it you can't bring it back up i'm gonna try how'd they do this now we're in no man's land because i also want to hear about who larry hoover is, Larry Bird, Allison Hagman. Who's Allison?

Larry Allison, Larry King. Oh, wait, is Larry Allison the billionaire? Yeah, he's the guy who likes boats. Oracle. Yeah. Oracle man. Look at that. That's what he looks like.

How old is he? Larry Allison, 77. 77. These are how old the Larry's are these are some of the famous Larry's Larry the Cable Guy

was in there I'm like of course I want to know about Larry David before any of these people does the algorithm not know anything about what I'm interested in

you're a stand up comedian you love stand up comedy of course Larry the Cable Guy is going to be offered up to you on a silver platter by the AI the powerful super computer

what do you know about Larry the Cable Guy? No, I don't like him. Why? No, I don't know. I know that he's done, I think, what dark hole did I fall into recently where I was reading that Kevin James was like opening for him, I think?

Oh, wow. A tour at some point? No, I think Larry the Cable Guy is a guy who you could safely assume, if you waited long enough, would have some terrible things to say. You get the feeling. But smart enough to not say them as part of his act. Oh, you reckon?

Yeah, totally. The man's made a lot of money. Yeah. Speaking of which, we're supposed to be doing the mailbag and whatnot, eh? Yeah, yeah. Well, I've got an email from... I got so distracted. I've got an email from... A got so distracted. I've got an email from...

A message, sorry, from five weeks ago. What do you think of the ambience of just having a baby kind of happily cooing in the background? Is it a good vibe? Honestly, the coo-ness of Remy... He's blowing up. Oh, my God.

He's all right. He's probably going to... I think... I think he might have had a little bang on the chair there. But the cuteness levels that... I want everyone to know that Guy Montgomery just caught him with one hand. It was real dad instincts. The cuteness of this baby is such that it's actually distracting.

Because all I want to do is look at him and make the stupid noises and faces you make to try and elicit a smile because he's got a laugh on him he's got a smile on him now and they're accused there's a rhyme or reason to it he's developing comedic taste obviously that is something near and dear to my heart the ability to make this child laugh is very important to me and when we're meant to be talking about larry's sex in the cities uh reading letters written by the authors who comprise our singular libertarian fan it makes it difficult to stay on the task at hand and saying that this is from five weeks ago and it reads as such hello again tim basinger and guy Guy the science guy we here

at a three bean salad messaged the friendzone late last year to tell you that our year of the bean who shall not be named was coming to a close

happily I returned to report that our year of Mamma Mia is of writing only two weeks away from concluding due to accommodation issues robin was sadly unable

to accompany us this season but jack and myself also jack powered on ahead regardless i think it's fair to say the lack of robin's brand of manic energy definitely made this a less interesting year but we've had fun regardless jack and i have concluded that the worst idea of all-time formula might not be the best fit for simple boys such as ourselves. So we've decided to leave it to the professionals and do something completely different next season. Remy's upset

by this. By the year of the bean throwing the hat in. Remy wait till you hear what they're doing instead. Next season we intend to watch a different movie every week but unfortunately for my co-host I have some level of control over the selection. Yeah. So I've decided the theme of next year will be, in quotation marks, pain.

You see, my co-host is relatively inexperienced with the more extreme side of cinema. So I'm going to be showing him the most disturbing, weird, bizarre, and just all-around awful films I can think of. Okay, well now this is just our Patreon Deciders Club. Once a week for 52 weeks. Everything from Salo and Irreversible to I Married a Ghost and Thunderpants. I've watched Irreversible. It's actually Irreversible because it's French, and that shit gave me nightmares.

They've got a sequence that I don't want to talk about because it's French, and that shit gave me nightmares. They've got a sequence that I don't want to talk about because it's violent, that they achieved through a combination of prosthetics and CGI, which is the most soul-shattering thing I've ever seen in cinema. It was so disturbing. I'm viewing this as a sort of experiment to see just how much it takes to break the poor boy's brain, more than the podcast already has.

Give us a shout-out if you still feel like supporting us a year on. Last year's shout-out led to the biggest spike in listeners we've ever had, with our first few episodes receiving hundreds of extra listens before your audience got wise to the level of quality they were dealing with and wisely moved on. We're still a three-bean salad on all major podcasting platforms, although we're now slightly harder to find as comedian Mike Wozniak now has a podcast of the same name. Oh, goddammit.

We're the one that's less popular and not as good. Keep up the work. Keep up the good work. No, I like that. Let's not qualify it. Just keep up the work. Keep up the work and hopefully we'll be in touch next year. And that is from Jack.

So what do people search for? Is it called Year of the Bean or Three Bean Salad? It's called A3, the number, hyphen, bean salad. Okay, gotcha. I'm holding the baby, so in an unprecedented move, I'm going to get you to keep reading emails while I keep this boy entertained. I love it. reading emails while I keep this boy entertained. I love it.

So, the next unread message is someone sent us something a while ago saying here's some unsettling news with a link to Paul Blart 3 update given by Kevin James. Oh, yes. I don't remember doing this, but at some point responded saying this is a good thing.

Yeah, I didn't write that. That's definitely you. And then they came back and said it's a good thing yeah i didn't write that that's definitely you and then they came back and said it's a great thing uh chris nolan responded when i thanked him for interstellar oh that's great that's great to hear i'm glad he's been here we go here's something for you i really should be reading or you should be reading my ones because my ones are from like september last year and your ones are from like a week ago. Hello, Timbly, Wimbly, Flimbly, Gimbly. Hello.

And Gom, Guy, Monterey. I am currently riding the hive listening to the friend zone and have had an itching to say something, anything, even if there's no real substance. So I'm doing it now. I've got to fix him. Yeah. I've got to fix him for chatting.

Before the mood passes. I like it when people order food and they say, such and such with all the fixings. It's so good. It's a real Thanksgiving thing. I love it. A turkey with all the fixings. The other night, as I was routinely taking my blood pressure,

I decided to play a podcast while I did my five minutes of breathing exercises to help myself calm down not exactly sorry the email skipped down not exactly what you want to hear as a comedy podcast i know some guys you talk extensively about sandwiches you really like and a five minute span of sandwich talk serves my blood pressure pretty well actually oh that's good that'll be guy guys guys the sandwich man on this podcast. I'm always banging on about those sandwiches. Bloody loves the sandwiches. By the way, if you are in Melbourne and know where to get a sandwich, let me know.

This was not one of those five minutes. It was around friend zone 124 when you played a fan compilation of every Coffee Guy bit from season two, slowly layered so that what starts as light scanning very quickly evolves into an inescapable dolby surround sound chorus from hell great description safe to say it was a very difficult breathing exercise but my description it might sound like it by by my description might sound like a bad experience but more accurately it was so funny it may have chemically changed me never in my life have i tried to fight so hard not to laugh and failed in such a violent way i laughed through

my entire body and it made me recall simpler times as a high schooler playing theater games and laughing with reckless abandon it's been a long couple of years and i don't think i've laughed like that since pre-pandemic times. Wow. Not just a loud laugh. I do that all the time. But a laugh that you share with friends that reminds me that seasons change, life goes on, and that there are people in the world that love each other very, very much. It is difficult to disassociate every episode of The Friend Zone with that sense of pure joy now. Not that I want to.

It's broken a dam, and I keep finding myself absolutely shaking with laughter where I hadn't been before. I'm going through your Emmanuel season now and while you both seem thoroughly disgusted with your own debased sex humour, I have to say, dick jokes will always be funny. Keep up the good work, lads. I don't know if it's because I don't seek out a ton of comedy or if I'm simply dealing with American comedians, but listening to your brand of comedy has refreshed me. And dare I say, it helps me heal. If you read this on the Friend Zone,

feel free to say my name, Connie Hernandez, he, him. And then a follow-up, which says... There's more from Connie. Unrelated to my last message. But I did want to ask you, if you guys have ever considered doing a season where you watch one minute of a movie every day

that you can for a year or maybe one minute every week if you watch it every day you'd have to choose a six hour movie but every week it'd only have to be about 52 minutes don't know if this would be better or worse for your mental health anyway still love you Connie and I now realize why that email

or the Facebook message kept taking me down to the bottom because I was accidentally pushing the thumb so that has received in the time I've read it three thumbs up from me in the back and forth nice so I apologize for that I'm not going to message you about it

sorry I only understood that because I saw it on screen guy has sent three thumbs accidentally through the messenger back to Connie what a great description of that I only understood that because I saw it on screen. Guy has sent three thumbs accidentally through the messenger back to Connie. Connie, what a great description of that bit of audio that someone made for us of laying all the coffee guys together. We were so enamored with that that we played it at the live show last year during the comedy festival when we did the best worst host of all time.

That's right and it kind of didn't like work as well as it did in my head but i'm still so glad we played it worked i uh the the stuff that people have submitted like you know the um the coffee guy the sesame street uh i actually can't those are the two that are top of mind but there's something that i can't play right now unfortunately because i don't have the thing to connect it to my recorder but there's hopefully i'd remember to put it on the next free oh screw it should i play it to the speaker and then i can edit it on yeah because someone sent us this just recently in emails and it's it's god it's good i don't know where i put it though so can you just give

me one can you find a short thing maybe? Yeah, I can do my best. I'll just try and find this. Tim, I can do my best. It's all anyone can ask of me. It's some audio that someone sent in. Hello, brave boys. My husband and I are traveling through Costa Rica

and spend a fantastic day sightseeing. When we returned to the B&B, I was browsing on my phone when a Patreon notification popped up that a certain guy Montgomery was paying his debt with back-to-back watches of Sex and the City 2. We threw the live stream up as we went about our evening you know for moral support i gotta tell you it was a real roller coaster of emotions glance at the tv to see guys singing along to feels like the first time and the next glance had him resting his forehead

on the mic out of sheer frustration you're brave is brave the word i'm looking for man who deserves all our respect. Thank you for your dedication. Know that you weren't alone. I hope for your sake it was the last watch ever. Much love from a couple of Canadians in Costa Rica. Say my name, Jenny Stowe. What a beautiful mental image, Jenny, of traveling.

Just going somewhere where you don't live. I remember that. The good times. The very idea of it, yeah. Incredible. You got that audio for us? The very idea of it, yeah. Incredible. You got that audio for us? Are you ready for it? Yep.

All right. Well, then I'm going to play it for you. Hello there, traveler. You startled me a bit. That's a quiet step you got there. Why don't you come sit by my fire a spell? Oh yes, I know that look. Unless I'm much mistaken, you're out here searching for a couple of fellas. Southern boys. Nah, not Tennessee.

Not Georgia. Quite a bit further south than that. Tim and Guy. Yeah, I thought as much. Thing is, you don't need to go traipsing through the midnight forests of the world to find those particular frosty fellas. No, indeed. Those brave boys dwell wherever folks are sharing kind words. In any sphere of camaraderie, any companionable territory, any friend zone. Because in the friend zone you're not alone so settle in share some supper with me

and if you listen real close you might just hear some familiar voices floating on the woodland breeze. Welcome to the friend zone. How good is that? Who did that? Okay, so this comes to us from a person called Jared who writes this. Dear gentlemen, writing to thank you for years of entertainment. Like you, Tim, I'm a lover of hiking, especially night hikes. And you delightful folks have kept me company on many moonlit walks through the woods. Walks when I probably should have been listening for black bears or swamp monsters instead of laughing at softcore pornography commentary oh well i'll take my chances old flash was even kind

enough to do some voice acting on my fictional strange nature podcast the crypto naturalist oh that um my episode actually came out, I think, very recently. The Crypto Naturalist podcast. Crypto Naturalist is one word if you're searching for this online. And thanks. I joined your Patreon today to hashtag paytheboys and I made you the attached backwoodsy intro in case your southern characters ever return to the friend zone

or just for fun, say my name thrice to summon me or once is good too jared k anderson yeah just a what a beautiful offering thank you jared thank you for um having me on that podcast it was a lot of fun i played some sort of uh nature correspondent who was reviled by my peers and an idiot um i don't know why i got typecast in this way and obviously it was quite a stretch for me to play a buffoon i wouldn't say that but i would describe it as the role you were born to i sort of summoned all of my acting chops and think i turned in a pretty strong performance how cool cool was that audio, though? It was beautiful. Should that just be... I think maybe at least the next one.

Yeah. I won't do it every time. Get too repetitive. I don't want to ruin something so beautiful. No. I'm going to read you a message from a friend. Of course. How would you like that?

I'd like it a lot. Okay. Well, actually, this first bit is a $ usd donation from disco who writes hey remy buy your dad and crazy uncle a coffee for me would you thanks disco that's so good guys put the microphone up to remy's mouth that's his response uh 26 22 usd from ryan who has emailed us this dear rinton tim and guy the people's taskmaster champion i re-listened to all of your grueling seasons during my recent training for the upcoming boston marathon hey hey you've done that uh not in boston but i mean i also i i couldn't listen to a podcast when i run so i admire that yeah yeah i'm with you the sounds of your suffering kept me company

on countless hours and miles of running makes a bit of sense hence the marathon distance donation oh 26 22 that's miles that is miles yeah occasionally on the potty why do you donate in kilometers you cheapskate youtube will mention your own running experiences and i recall talk of a marathon of your own at one point not counting the obligatory worst london marathon of all time spectacular my question is what keeps you good boys motivated on long runs what do you listen to while running perhaps the ramblings of an even more masochistic podcast additionally i would like to applaud guy's performance on new zealand taskmaster your jokes were often the shining light of the episodes and i only wish you could have been on the british version like your

countryman rose matafayo finally timbo deserves some tv spotlight too and i think a comedic appearance on a new zealand baking show is in order much like friend of the potty James Acaster on the Great British Bake Off. Keep rocking in the free world and say my emin effin name, Ryan Gallagher. My meffin jeffin name, Ryan. So, I'm not sure whether or not this message was written

before or after the Boston Marathon. Was the tense that the marathon was run? Or was this as is Ryan still training getting up to it uh well Tim what's what is the the longest run you've been on and how did you marathon and how did you enjoy it loved it what did you do but I trained like I did I forgot that I'd signed up to it a bunch of mates our friend Emma got a got a few of us to sign up to do it and then i completely forgot and she was like right gang you everyone's still on i was like what are you talking about she said you agreed to do this half marathon and i said shit i can't remember how much

time i had but it wasn't a lot it was like a month maybe but i made a little training regime because i run like occasionally and i've got a dicky knee. I was like, OK, here's what I'm going to do. I'll run like every second day and I'll just start at zero and I'll do a half a kilometer and I'll add a half a kilometer each time. Because I reckon out the gate I could do three. But if I start so easy on like half a K, then I can just get used to like getting out every second day. And I tell you what, guy, it freaking worked. The system totally worked and I got a sensational time.

That's amazing. And when you ran, so you have to run 21 kilometers to run a full half marathon, which is a very confusing piece of phrasing. Did you listen to anything when you ran that race? Yeah, yeah, yeah. piece of phrasing. What did, did you listen to anything when you ran that race? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. I couldn't not. What did you listen to? Music. I like make a playlist. I make a few different playlists. Was it genre bending or was it all? Genre bending.

It's about tempo. Yeah. Everything's got to be like positive in about, you know, sort of 125 ish BPM. I love that. What about you? You,

you, you run a lot more than I do well guys got the baby at the moment i have previously but this year's been a bit of a um bit of a boner killer for running i had an achilles injury to kick things off and then obviously caught covid and live in fear of that staying with me for a long time, so have not been running. Start slow. Do what I did. Start on a half, 500 meters.

Put your shoes on, go to the dairy, come back. But I was training listening to music, and then what is your problem, dude? Don't talk to him like that. Not the vibe. Sorry, there's silence which sounded very loaded was just us switching the baby over across everything's fine everyone's in a good mood uh so i switched to um no music i can't remember why and then i've never gone back so i don't listen to anything it's because you like because you've gotten into meditation and stuff now.

So you're in the zone now. But guys getting in there. But that was before I had any sort of meditating discipline. Maybe this was the entry point to it. What do I do? How do I motivate myself? Honestly, I think it's just sort of not too dissimilar to it, but it's the cumulative building. And it's the knowledge that when you finish a run that's your longest run along the last one it's the satisfaction of going home and

being body tied and being like yeah i did that i chose to do that and it's so bullshit that it's good for you and that it is it's not a lie but it just sucks it's like you know everyone says it's so good for your mental health and the unfortunate thing is they're correct it's like, you know, everyone says it's so good for your mental health. And the unfortunate thing is they're correct. It's like it's such a crucial sort of part of keeping yourself mentally well is a little bit of physical exercise. And that just sucks. Yeah. Because it is kind of laborious.

The thing is, it's not for everyone. And running, if you don't like running, there's no need to force yourself to do it. You can find some other form of physical movement that you enjoy. Anyway, this is not a fitness podcast, although I do always like when we get questions about running. When we get questions about running, I like when people ask us about sandwiches.

I love it when people ask us about music. Basically anything that isn't the basis of why people like us. I enjoy. Let me ask you about astrology. Do you believe in astrology? Do you know much about your own star sign and star chart? I don't. I know I'm a Libra.

Do you know what Libras are about traditionally? Because I don't know much about them. Justice Baby. Oh, yeah. I don't know if that's true is that the one holding the scales yeah but i always think it's the scales of justice oh rufus is here too he just said to remind everyone yeah because i forgot to say hi rufus uh i i for me i don't read too much into it but if people want to if they want to you know if that's if that's how they can derive value and company and meaning in life then that is all power to them

it's a different means of extracting value and interpreting meaning interpreting I'm going to bring back more of those sort of like George W Bush era gaffes Where you just make up a word, add some syllables But like pass it off in a speech

Believe in yourself What do you think? What was the one about It's so stupid to like Have him up on this but he was the president at the time But saying like we've got to put food On our families That was always a favorite of mine

he did one where there was a um an interviewer is our children learning was an interviewer was wearing sunglasses and was asking him a challenging question he's like yeah well i could ask you why you're wearing sunglasses indoors dude was definitely blind. 100%. Why else would somebody be interviewing the American president with sunnies on? Read the room, brother. Really, really good. So gaffe-prone. You know what I love about George W. as well, which I got reminded of recently, all the goings-on recently around the world.

He was the guy who went, no, you don't have to worry about Putin. I looked him in the eyes and the guy's got a good soul did he say that yeah he said i've seen his soul he's a good man he was you know you say anything with enough confidence it'll come back and bite you on the butt well it didn't that's the beauty of it you just get to be friends with alan degeneres and go to the ball game i have a lot lot of friends. Live out your life painting and hanging out in your big house in Texas. I have a lot of friends, and I don't agree with all my friends. I'm Alan DeGeneres.

Can I just... Look, I know we're off track. We're wildly off course here, but we're in a child's nursery with a dog and a baby, so let's get into it. Yeah. You say what you're going to say. I don't care where we go.

Great. But just know that on the back end of whatever you say, I'm going to help this. Get into it. Yeah. You say what you're going to say. I don't care where we go. Great. But just know that on the back end of whatever you say, I'm going to help you land this plane. Sick as. Alan DeGeneres, man. The clues were there for a fucking long time. And I think we've even talked about this on the podcast before. Either that or I've just been talking about this a lot to you and other people.

But it is bizarre. Occasionally now, i haven't watched television for a long time but when you're like a sort of a little bit housebound by having a baby and stuff you switch it on see what's going on alan's still on the air in new zealand taking a victory lap right now it's called the farewell season and it is such a strange decision to make to be like get universally cancelled be hated by everyone be outed as a really cruel mean person who is not deserving at all of the success and attention that you've got let's ignore the fact that the show is horse shit and i hate it but she's doing she got cancelled and then she's like

alright well I better just finish up this year of broadcasting yeah it's wild Mario Lopez is hosting a lot of the time

really wait have I got the right guy Slater from Saved by the Bell I think so he hosts lots of stuff that guy

he hosts a ton of stuff he's very talented he's like kind of ageless and handsome, eh? Yeah, big time. He's like an alternative Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. I mean, I agree, but there's money to be made.

It's just nuts that everyone's letting you do it. What are they going to do? You've got to pull the pin. That's the whole point. It's like when someone... That's her power. The amount of money she's made i know but she got found out so this is like you know hollywood's it's scary places

all these little secrets and one of them was that alan degenera sucks but then thanks to um what's her name dakota johnson yeah we started to figure it out and now we've got all the pieces of the puzzle together but for some reason she still wields enough power to wrap up the season. Mates, we got to call it a day now on Alan DeGeneres. It's for you, Tim. You're watching daytime television at home with your child. You're someone who could be boycotting Alan DeGeneres and you've started tuning in as she says goodbye.

As soon as it starts, I flick it off. I flick it off. I see if Mario Lopez is hosting that day and if he's not I'm out of there wow anyway

those are my thoughts on Alan DeGeneres and this has been another exciting edition of the worst idea of all time friendzone

brought to you by Remy's Nursery another perfectly scripted episode we hit all of our beats we didn't miss a mark. And now it's time to say goodbye. If you're in Melbourne, come watch me.

I'm at the Comedy Festival right now, and I'm on fire. Believe it. In the friend zone, you're always home. In the friend zone, you're not alone. Anytime with Tim and Guy.