The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 154

Episode Date: July 2, 2022

Tim and Guy are at a café, either representing the working-parenting class or the bourgeoisie. Tim has returned from a Lads Trip to an abandoned school with stories to tell about the consequences of eating seven pieces of KFC in quick succession. Guy has returned home from Melbourne, where he filmed an hour long stand up show SO FUNNY it caused one anonymous audience member to briefly loose bodily control. This zone’s correspondence includes some end-of-2021 mail regarding a bodega from And Just Like That, an hypothetical cameo on the same show and more! Remember to rate and review WTF with Marc Maron to help out his fledgling podcast.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / SubstackGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Friend Zone, in the Friend Zone, you're always home, in the Friend Zone, you're not alone, anytime, with Tim and Guy. Hello everyone, welcome to... I was going to say a live Friend Zone, it's not. It is, we're here and it's all happening. Now, I was wondering too. The vibe is electric. Do you think that the way we're doing this today, thank you so much, is bourgeoisie, or are we working dads out there just making ends meet? No, this is bourgeoisie we're at a cafe you've just

i mean god the drink that's just been delivered to you guy montgomery is a tall purple smoothie with a beautiful orange daisy and the some sort of presumably edible flower uh it's um that's what people say about me they say say you're a tall, purple smoothie. The thing that turns smoothies purple is blueberries. Those things aren't cheap. No, no, no. This smoothie was, I mean, talk about the cost of living crisis. This thing was $9.50.

Jesus. Didn't bat an eyelid, though. I thought, I want this. I want the energy from it. I want to have a drink while we're talking. $10 for a smoothie. Hey, come on. It's like a meal.

I'll take lunch off today. How much was my Sprite? You bought me a Sprite? Appreciate that. None of your business how much it was. It was $11. $11, $20, two drink order. No booze.

No good. No, we are. We're at a cafe. Do you remember when we were in America? Any of the times? And you'd order a drink, and it'd be like, this drink is $3. No, we are. We're at a cafe. Do you remember when we were in America? Oh, man. Any of the times. And you'd order a drink and it'd be like, this drink is $3. And then it's like, oh, yeah, plus sales tax, plus tip.

It's like, this drink's $7. That whole not including. No wonder Americans are all insane about tax. Because if you're constantly being surprised by it that would infuriate absolutely surprise yeah everything's twice as expensive as you were advertised you know i remember going around the supermarket and like putting together a shop yeah and then being like you know running the sums in my head as i go i got cash for this and then you got a 50 you're always like 20 it's insanity it is there's laws against it in New Zealand.

You're not allowed to do it. We've got GST, which is like our version of VAT if you're in the Eurozone. And if you are, EvitaZone. Oh, wait, no. Is that goodbye? Oh, shit. I mean, guten tag. Yeah.

Bienvenue. Buongiorno. You are not allowed to advertise the price of something without the GST in it, unless it very explicitly says, guess what, fucko, there's no tax in this number. Not in America, though. Wild West. Even just this cursory, very sort of glance that we're taking at numbers

and the idea of tax and all that, I'm quaking in my boots. All these conversations always do not just with you but with anyone is highlight to me how little i know how at the mercy of the world i am in terms of being told that this is right or this is wrong bro we all are though and i think the more at peace you can i think be with that that you're just a person bobbing in the ocean that is the cosmos the better i think think. Yeah. You know? You know, I like it.

It's a good place to be. I feel like I'm always banging on about it. I like to feel small. That's cool, man. Can I tell you something? On Monday... It must be difficult for a man who weighs in at, what, 6'3"? 6'2 1⁄2". 6'3 is obviously what I say to the ladies.

Sure, when you're on Tinder, you're 6'3 holding a fish. But friends and family, they get the truth. They get 6'2 and a bit. They get no fish. Yeah, no fish. I don't even fish. But I want to say I felt bloody 10 feet tall on Monday night, as much as I like to feel small, on account of I was in Melbourne

and I filmed an hour of stand-up comedy. And I know for a fact that there were people who listened to our podcast there. And I want to thank them for coming from the very bottom of my heart. It was a lot of fun. It wasn't perfect, I'll say that. It's an interesting thing. There's a duality when you're recording it. It's different even from recording a short set where it's like...

Because there was only one take of this you know man which is so if you did the pressure get to you did you feel it maybe a little i just had for it to not i didn't feel um particularly nervous i was just aware that this is being documented right and that creates a different experience from being like this is live in the room and all that you know sure and i Sure. And so I had to retake a few lines. Ultimately, look, I'm nitpicking. I'm very happy with what transpired. And speaking of what transpired, and also, well, this is what.

He said thank you from the bottom of your heart. Yeah. To the heart of someone's bottom. This is what I'm getting to. So I did the show, and, you know, incredible audience. I was really grateful. I had a pretty good time. I'm very happy with it.

And I was backstage having a drink, and then one of the production people said, okay, I'm going to go home now. See you later. And they left. I said, all right, fair enough. And then not one and a half minutes later, this same guy, his name's Pat, he shows up in the green room again,

and he says, hey, just so you know, you made someone laugh so hard they shit themselves and i said what are you talking about pat you you gotta be kidding me he goes no truly someone shat themselves you go out and look and so i walked out onto the stage the room was empty now and there were four ushers around a chair at the back of the room. And they were in the sanitary equivalent of PPE. They had a lot of plastic on. And there was a lot of white powder on a chair. And there was a big plastic bag they were putting over it.

And they were sort of laughing and saying, Yeah, someone shat and it's all up the back of the seat. What the fuck? And do you know, the thing is, Tim. Up the back of the seat what the fuck and you know the thing is tim up the back of the seat if you shit yourself in a show yeah you would you'd think first of all actually what i should say is i went out before the recording started i said hey just so you guys know filming this very exciting opportunity for me so please you know don't get too confident don't talk to me unless i'm talking to you i obviously if you've got to go to the bathroom you know like

try you know try hold on but if you've got to go don't don't sit there and piss yourself or shit yourself or whatever you told them i said that explicitly but this person i respect it because they shit themselves and that you know they would have had i imagine what was close to the worst night of their life yeah yeah yeah but there is a nobility and a um almost like a it's almost i words escape me but there's a generosity not to those around them but certainly to meet the performer because if they stood up and said this has happened the whole thing grinds to a whole it's so true health and safety issue god they didn't even occur so the reason i'm not reacting in a way that one listener might expect is i i've had advanced uh knowledge of this event and in my head i've always sort of considered it in the context of it's a live show but it's so

much more it's someone's taping of their special. And this is the thing, is there's seven cameras in this room. Yeah. And if you stand up and say, I shit myself. Yes. Guess what?

It's your show now. Yeah. That's your special. And those cameras are going to fucking swivel around faster than an owl's neck. And, you know, there's no anonymity to it. Yeah.

And I don't know that this person has total anonymity, and there's every chance that they're listening to this right now. It's possible. I genuinely feel so bad for them. I hope they drove. All I could think is I just hope they drove. Yeah. You don't want to be taking that home on the tram.

It's such a hard, that's a really tricky situation. It is a gift, I will say that, comedically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's promotional material. And if the person is listening, what would you like to say to them, Guy? I'd like to say I empathize with you. I hope that you don't carry this around with you and that with time, I mean, I'm someone who's had to tell

multiple anecdotes about shitting myself on this group podcast. Yeah. But with time, you don't have to publicly, so if you want to come forward to me privately, I'll protect your identity and what I would actually love to do

is whenever the release date draws closer, I'd love to, I can modulate your voice, we can put it through a modifier, but I'd love to i can modulate your voice we can put it through a modifier but i'd love to get together and interview you for a special podcast just to you know because we had different nights but we were there for the same reason and that's interesting to me yeah it's interesting that i'm having what is by all accounts to this point in my life a career defining moment yeah and you are having the worst night of your life. Yeah, yeah.

That's funny. It is funny. It is funny, and I hope that they can view it with the humor that it contains. Well, and there's no rush to do that, because if you're still feeling embarrassed by it, I totally understand, and I empathize. It's not just sympathy. It's empathy, because I've been there.

It's a tricky one, isn't it? Because people would know I think if you've ever I can't even remember exactly what the context is but I've definitely been around adult people who have shit themselves and it's a very different smell from a fart like you can tease them out instantly it's like that person didn't that's not a fart someone has shit themselves absolutely in this environment and so you're in a seated situation you're a prisoner you know to that seat you can't get up and so you're sitting there knowing that other people know what has happened this is the thing is like it must have been a pretty low-key smell. Or maybe I haven't liked the show.

I just think... You think there would have been more commotion? You would have picked up on a change in the audience? I was pretty attuned to what was happening in the room. And the crowd would let up. I could see most people. I did not notice any rustling, any discomfort, anything to suggest what happened had happened.

Hopefully it was right at the end. What did you close with? The brown note. Really? Yeah, yeah. I built an instrument that I play, and it doesn't work on everyone, but when it works, it really works.

And I played the brown note. Now this makes a lot of sense. I closed on just a traditional joke. But I do now, you know, I would love to know, I do now have a traditional joke but I do now you know I would love to know I do now have a brown joke yeah you know

the equivalent of the brown note but in comedy yeah that's so true congrats on both both you know a successful taping and a very unique

reaction that it elicited from one of your fans one of my favourite messages was from my friend cass who said congrats on getting someone to fill their pants surely an experience you'll never top absolutely and i'd forgotten about that turn of phrase but fill their pants really funny

it's all downhill from here guy you've reached everest well it's there's no way that this special can live up to the, like, you know, it's a one-off. That is also, as you mentioned, a rare promotional opportunity. Like, this is a pants-shittingly funny special. Yeah, yeah, so funny you'll shit your pants. And it will be marketed thusly, if I get my way. And Tim, while I was doing that, you, and you were talking about this in the last Friend Zone, you were not on a hike as planned. You were, I believe, carrying a keg around an abandoned school grounds on a self-built stretcher.

Not abandoned. It was just formerly a little rural school, and now they rented out on Airbnb. No, it had a lot of fun. I had a lot of KFC. That's right. We got a 100-piece bucket, which comes with 10... How did you ration out your portion of chicken? I ate seven and a half pieces, and then I, I have to own up to it,

vomited the entire contents of it later on. That guy didn't know that bit of the evening. Yeah, there was a lot of revelry going down. We had a keg of beer and a lot of chicken so you know you'd be crazy not to at least have a one little technical laugh a lot of laughs shared we had um this fantastic thing i feel like i blow up my friend's spot a little bit by um oversharing but i don't think they'd mind so a couple of them had developed this great system which was sort of a personal bingo and so there was uh i think 11 of us was a couple who come in like night two some people had to leave early um but everyone who came we created uh what my mate nick was calling a behavioral event. So you guessed a personal trait that would come up at some point,

and if they did it, they had to drink a beer. Wow. And so everyone got a Facebook thread with everyone in them except the person it was about to discuss what their most likely personality trait to come up was. There was actually two. We came down to two. Two behaviors.

For each person. Yeah. And decided unanimously by the rest of the group what the two most likely traits to appear. That is great. My favorite one, my mate Andy, who's like six foot four, was duck through a doorway. That's unreasonable. That is not a trait. That's unreasonable.

That is not a trait. That's just a person living. Yeah. Some of them were meaner than others. I got off pretty fucking lightly, I think. My two were takes a photo using the timer function on his cell phone. That is funny. And clicks fingers enthusiastically to a song he chose

did you display both of these traits 100 100 yeah and so what i guess you only it only happens once or is it yeah it's just on the first time you do it and then they go on the wall and that's that i won a Nerf duel. We had a big duel between all of us. Won that. Very proud of that. You beat everyone. I got into the semis, then had my huge vomit, and then came back for the finals and took it out.

Came back stronger. Yeah. That's amazing. Steady hand. Speaking of dueling, I watched... I did a corporate gig last night, Tim. I performed half an hour of stand-up comedy to 120 school principals at the Hilton Lake Taupo.

One of the sort of more unique performing experiences of my life so far. These guys, they were looking up. They were enthusiastic. Some of them were heckling me. And I said, I would basically just say, look, I don't come down to your school assembly and say guacamole to you. And that absolutely killed.

Also, a few vice principals in who I gave the ribbing of a lifetime. As well you should. Those who can't teach and those who can't teach are vice principals. That's right. But afterwards, I went up to my hotel and I watched A western called The Hateful Eight Oh yeah It's a Quentin Tarantino film Is it the one that the script got leaked?

Yeah And so he got real mad and then like He cancelled it and did a live table read Right And then after that decided I'm going to do it Oh okay And there's a lot of duelling in that And I

I loved it well I'm I'm a simple person I feel like the gloss really came off that movie because he threw his toys so much on that movie

and my yeah oh around it Quentin Tarantino yeah I agree because I forgot it existed and haven't seen it and then

he was like I'm not doing because I'm going to leak the script but then I didn't realise he actually did it did do it

he did it yeah but then there was that wasn't there an it did do it he did it yeah but then there was that wasn't there an adam sandler western so this is the ridiculous six yeah yeah and that is different we watched it i'm pretty sure we did yeah god damn but like it all gets jumbled up in my head together you know because that was around a similar time yeah well rest assured they're different films. Okay. And there's a man who's obviously shown some competence with a Nerf gun.

If you're into dueling, there's no overt dueling scenes, but there's people drawing their weapons quickly and shooting with accuracy. Can I tell you the one thing I wanted to talk to you about, though? I made the greatest soup I've ever eaten in my life. I made it the other night. On school grounds or at home? No, at home. What was the inspiration?

What were the ingredients? And what was the setting? The inspiration, I think, is that it's been quite cold recently. And I'm a little crook. Remy's been a little bit sick. There's some sickness going around. We're all getting by on a little sleep. So it's like, how do we pump ourselves

full of the good minerals and vitamins that our body needs to fight off the germs and so I went to the super and just started buying seasonal vegetables and big packets of dehydrated soup mix you know like peas and carrots and what not started googling different vegetable soup recipes and just combined. I had so many herbs and seasonings in there.

I had three different kinds of pepper in the soup. Wow. Sounds like you were inspired by your experience with the Colonel to introduce multiple herbs and spices. Perhaps, perhaps. But it was sensational. Wow. It was so good. I seriously think it's the tastiest soup I've ever eaten, and. But it was sensational. Wow. It was so good.

I seriously think it's the tastiest soup I've ever eaten, and I made it. And that is crazy. Is it replicable? No, I could never. Truly? Absolutely not. I mean, the quantities, who knows what's out. That might be enough to drive a lesser man mad.

No, I know what I did. Holy shit, it's so hot. Yeah, you're right. Should we switch? Do you want to switch? I'll get a blast of the sun. Briefly. The boys are now switching posies. And what an ideal

time for us to also switch gears a little bit in the friend zone and maybe share some letters from our friends. What do you say? Honestly? It's so hot in this bit. I'm glad.

I thought maybe I was being hopeless, but it is too much. Were you going to say you don't want any letters in this friend zone? I was enjoying just us shooting the breeze, yeah. It is nice, But there's the friend zone email inbox is like another to do list for me. There's so many messages to get through, starting with this one from the very end of 2021. Adrian writes, hello. Not sure if you're still doing friend zones since my listening to Twiwa has been haphazard. And I'm currently alternating the end of what we of where are your friends season and current recaps of and just like that regardless

i have important information regarding sex in the city law excuse sorry for sniffing in the most recent episode you mentioned that carrie visits a bodega that seems like it must be important to this nostalgia of the show i am here to report that I have, unfortunately, seen all of Sex and the City and no such bodega or bodega owner appears anywhere in any episode before and just like that. That Mattress Parklet King would choose to introduce this as if it would somehow be remotely recognisable to someone who has seen the original series is, like so many of others his other choices totally baffling to me thanks as always for the show and happy new year to you both best

adrian thank you adrian and it's always nice to know um we're not fools we're not being played for fools in that our interpretation of certain texts is, you know, accurate. I've got something for you, Tim. I'd love to hear it. If this makes it into the friend zone, I'd prefer if you only use my first name. However, if it's too late and you've already said my full name, that's fine too.

No hard feelings. Hey, well done, guy. You didn't even use the first name yet. They haven't mentioned it. Dearest Timbly, Wimbly and Flash, I've started listening to your podcast from the beginning less than a year ago and I just wanted to tell you that it has often been the highlight of my work days. I have pretty severe anxiety,

but putting in headphones and listening to you two brave boys is oddly comforting when I'm deeply out of my comfort zone. You've made me laugh in front of strangers and co-workers alike and gotten me through a lot of very long days. I work as, you guessed, research assistant. Where? A laboratory. A pastry chef in a coffee shop. Okay. And I recently watched a man come in, order two cups of coffee, chug them,

and leave without saying a word. Perhaps he's training to usurp the coffee guy throne. If I see him again, I'll have to summon the courage of a couple of fuckboys to chase him down and ask him just where the fuck he is off to. Thanks again for all the laughs and for keeping me company during some stressful times in my day. That's from Kidder. That's gorgeous. Loved that one.

Feed thee well, coffee guy. IRL. The subject line for this message is, Emmanuel Dracula, The Godfather, James Bond, Popeye and a knockoff Bruce Lee walking to a 70s kung fu movie in The Dragon Lives Again. Sorry, I had to burp. Did that off mic, hopefully. Hey there, frosty fellas. Love the pod and the latest season.

This was on the 3rd of Jan, which coincidentally is my wife's birthday. Love the pod and the latest season apologies if you've already mentioned it and i missed it but if not i want to strongly recommend the best and only piece of emmanuel media i've ever seen the dragon lives again might be the palette cleanser y'all need after the horrors you've witnessed this season a low budget late 70s hong kong action film where bruce lee not played by bruce lee has to fight his way out of hell with the help of his good buddy popeye and kane from kung fu while the villainous emmanuel teams up with the godfather james bond clint eastwood also not played by clint eastwood and

dracula to try and usurp the king of hell. Come for the Emmanuel trying to fuck Kane to death. Stay for the kung fu battle between Dracula and Bruce Lee and the extended discussion of the magical properties of Bruce Lee's penis. Whether or not y'all watch it for the pod, it's an absolute cornucopia of copyright infringing delights and a great watch. Hope you boys enjoy it.

If you check it out, and thanks for all the memories. Charlie. She, her. Feel free to read my first name on the pod if y'all are reading mail. Name of the movie again please. The Dragon Lives Again. The email actually had a link to the wiki.

The post is very great. I like it. It's a 90-minute runtime. It's in Cantonese. And the film begins with the announcement, this film is dedicated to millions who love Bruce Lee. It says here under the reaction, many contemporary critics have shown affection for The Dragon Lives Again.

Nobody calls it great filmmaking, but most applaud it for its ridiculousness and surrealism. And that sounds pretty tempting to me. Now, what about this? I can't tell if that's two separate messages. Hey, boys, love your work. Quick question for you both. If asked by The Mattress himself, would you make a cameo on and just like that, season two? I would always say yes.

I would, of course, say yes. The prospect of having to sort of deal with the real-life implications of knowing that Mantra's Pikelet had heard any of what we have to say is a bit scary. But I would face it like an adult. Own up to my shit and negotiate a very tasty contract to be a featured extra i would love to get um cancelled for a line read i gave for something written by mattress pikelet on and just like that like i would love to delineate people don't get cancelled for what

their characters that's what i'm saying if there's a way for that to happen to me that's what i want to happen that's the only way i want to go down i want to play myself and um do so so convincingly that there's a real like and maybe even manufacture some rumors from the set that i would refuse to perform the lines as written and improvised a lot and then when you watch it my character's deplorable and say some horrific things and uh somehow for that sort of disdain and cancellation of the fictitious version of myself to bleed into my actual life and see me um erased well dreams are free everybody and that was the friend zone a hundred and and something. One Dalmatians. I'm probably up to... We're not naming movies. No.

No. If you had to guess which friend zone that was, what would you say? 161. It's less than that. I think it's 100 and... 54?

30-something, maybe? At any rate, you'll know because it's on the title. Lucky. So bye everyone for now. Do you want people to do anything? I want people to live their best lives.

That's my call to action. Other podcasts will tell you to rate and review. They'll tell you to buy merchandise or sign up to their premium episodes on a particular platform, in our case Substack. I'm not going to ask you to do any of that shit. I would like to. I just want you to have a good life.

Could you please rate and review WTF with Mark Maron? Oh, yeah. Do us a solid and give Mark Maron five stars on Apple Podcasts. It really helps people discover the show. Do it right now. It's important that more people know about Mark Maron's podcast. Yeah.

We'll see you next time. In the friend zone, you're always home. In the friend zone, you're not alone. Anytime with Tim and Guy.