The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 160

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

This is a Friendzone that was recorded a month prior to it being release - a time capsule of sorts. It's Wind Time with Tim and Guy; time to figure out Tim's height! Perth wants to know about New Zealand's feelings on John Cleese and Rob Schneider, and what Perth wants, Perth gets. Plus a whole lotta Rufus the Dog and a business contract for the fellaz.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / SubstackGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ah, hello there, traveler. You startled me a bit. That's a quiet step you got there. Why don't you come sit by my fire a spell? Oh yes, I know that look. Unless I'm much mistaken, Unless I'm much mistaken, you're out here searching for a couple of fellas. Southern boys. Nah, not Tennessee. Not Georgia. Quite a bit further south than that. Tim and Guy.

Yeah, I thought as much. Thing is, you don't need to go traipsing through the midnight forests of the world to find those particular frosty fellas. No, indeed. Those brave boys dwell wherever folks are sharing kind words. In any sphere of camaraderie, any companionable territory, any friend zone. Because in the friend zone, you're not alone. So settle in.

Share some supper with me. And if you listen real close, you might just hear some familiar voices floating on the woodland breeze. Welcome to the Friend Zone. It's Bonagallion. We out here. We out here, though. She's windy, montgomery yeah she's a windy wee day we decided to record outside i um you got sunnies on it's pro move yeah it's a little bit glary for mine i often you know when there's a big really strong gust of wind and it's blowing and blowing and you think to yourself it can't

blow this hard forever like there's going to be a even if it's a second there's going to be a moment's respite and then it will pick up again maybe uh-huh why do i think that why why would the wind not just keep blowing that hard it's not like it runs out of breath it's not like it's someone blowing maybe that's what you're thinking of though i mean it is what i'm thinking of but could the wind just blow as hard as it can forever i guess so i don't know i don't really understand the wind where's it coming from i don't know is it coming from the sky because it feels like it's coming from like ground level down here it feels like it's coming from the ground level yeah but maybe it's getting pushed down and around all these things yeah this seems right you can see before i mean you can see before

people were studying the wind how people were getting into like it's presumably a god of wind creating deities deities yeah so this is just someone who's blowing really hard they blow when they're upset. Yeah. You can hear them. You can just pick it up on the mic. Furious. The good news is that it's not a cold wind, which is one of my least favorites.

I like a, I mean, obviously the best is a warm breeze. Maybe on a hot day, a cool breeze. Could even be better than a warm breeze. Best breeze of all, a sea breeze. Yeah. Wow. Sometimes it can blow too hard. I don't like... If it's not a breeze, then it's like a sea breeze.

That's a lot. You know, sometimes... In retrospect, it may not have been my finest idea for us to record this outside, but we're here now and we're committed. I think it's... And it gives you a real sense of place. Yeah. And time, which is wind time.

It's wind time. It's wind time. Wind chime. There's a wind chime outside the front of the house. We keep a wind chime at our house. It's a good vibe, eh? It's one of those things

we didn't put it up, but I don't hate it. It elevates the wind, I guess. So it's like, well, if you're going to spend all that time huffing and puffing, you might as well

play an instrument yeah exactly do something with it if you're only listening you can't see but I'm registering the movement of the chimes with my fingers

and if you are watching thank you for supporting us on substack.com twioat.substack.com just $5 US a month to unlock a bevy of bonus content much of which is video content we haven't actually done one of these for a little while it's the friend zone Just $5 US a month to unlock a bevy of bonus content,

much of which is video content. We haven't actually done one of these for a little while. It's the friend zone, everybody. Yeah. Let us put you out of your quizzical misery. Are you launching a new elements-based podcast? No. Maybe. First one, it's a limited series.

There's five. First one's wind. Then we do water followed by earth air oh yeah fire yeah

and of course heart yes that'll be the last one when we're on MDMA recording but that's just podcasting a tree isn't it yeah it would be

it would be enjoyable and then with hindsight probably embarrassing to podcast on. Let them listen, I say. Let them hear. Let them hear what we really think about each other.

Exactly. Presumably, I should hope, a deep and abiding love. Imagine if it wasn't, though. It would be a hell of a time to get into it on MDMA. Yeah, it would be. So this is a podcast in which Tim and I, who are friends and colleagues, are the order flips and flops depending on the day. What are we today, Guy?

You know what? Even though we've been working today, I feel as though we're friends. Yeah, me too, man. That's nice. We engage in some friendship, and we engage in some friendship with you, the only person who listens. And it's a time for reflection, for sharing, for celebration. And wind.

And today, wind. I'm only winding you up. It's funny, isn't it? It's one of those words, winding and winding, same spelling, different pronunciations. I would like to thank Ian for sending us. I assume it's Ian. It's actually hard to say precisely because there's sort of a screen name here, but Ian's jumping out at me.

$50 US contributed to us via PayPal. $50 USDA. I call it USDA. That's huge. And that's from the year of our Lord, the current year, 2022, February. My, my, my. Catching up on the inbox. Ian's written, I had written a whole thing,

but PayPal signed me out so many times that I've given up and sent an email. So I'll read the email now. It's from Ian. Ahoy to Tim Forkstay and Gymothy Chamolay. You see what he's done there? It's like a spoonerism on the pun. I've been blasting my way through Twyware over the last year or so to, you know, this state of the world and not going anywhere.

Can I pause your letter? Yeah. It sounds like this letter is being written on a, like on a windy, you know, on a cliff face. That's a nice, everyone imagine that from ian i started from the beginning and current i'm halfway through we are your friends and caught up on emmanuel podcast in a tree and thoroughly enjoying you both applying your absolutely warped sex in the city worldview to and just like that anyway I thought it was high time to hashtag paytheboys via PayPal. I also wanted to ask Tim how tall he is.

And if he's 6'4", 193cm in metric money, I have a working theory that all Tims are 6'4 from birth. I've met three Tims in the last few years and every single one of them was the same towering height. And knowing that both the Frosty fellas are antipodean bean poles i thought i'd test my theory against some non-british terms obviously the famous tiny term in dickens a christmas carol was an ironic nickname enjoy your 50 worth of british pounds converted to schmeckles by paypal you've earned it and say my name if it makes this onto the podcast ian rickens i'm five foot eleven 180 centimeters so there's clearly no correlation to just having

three letters in your name ps if you want yet another absurd collaborative side project watching star trek nemesis the worst of the tng movies by far for a week with the guys from The Greatest Generation on Max Fumble Go Down A Storm With Me At Least That's a lovely letter. It's really nice I'm 5 foot 10. Are you the same height? 5'10 or 5'11 something in there

You're the same height as Ian. Yeah He's 5'11 so I'd say maybe he's slightly taller than me. You boys would see eye to eye Ironically the one thing you boys would see eye to eye. Ironically, the one thing you wouldn't see eye to eye on is your own height. Yeah, true. Certainly, you know, for a quicker brain, there's certainly room for some comedic interpretation of that.

Jeez Louise. Guy's running out of juice. I'm actually, I'm full of juice. A huge amount of that is thanks to oh I see from James when people message us on

Facebook yes often the worst idea of all time Facebook account oh auto response auto response saying my comedian page

does that as well so thanks for reaching out hi stop doing that thanks for contacting us we stop doing that thanks for contacting us we've received your message i've got it i've got to shut that off that's how people talk anyway this reads as follows because i i noticed that this was a two-parter when uh they responded with the angry emoji to that automatic and that's fair enough dear guy guy and tim tim

tim it is so presumptuous for a social media platform to add that in as an auto thing. That's fucked. Assuming a tone for every organization that's on there to just fire back a message saying, don't turn that on by default. We might want to say, fuck you. Jesus Christ. It's a rare misstep for social media, which is usually... Especially the Zuck.

...has an unblemished record. Dear Guy Guy and Tim Tim Tim. Hello. I've refrained from sharing the following information with you, assuming that someone else must have done so already. The bystander effect in all of its hesitant glory. However, the bystander effect leads to the death of thousands, if not two thousands of people annually.

Oh, God. So I thought we'd share it anyway. The bystander effect leads to the death of thousands, if not two thousands of people annually. Oh, God. So I thought we'd share it anyway. Schneider is back at it again with a movie called Daddy Daughter Trip. Oh, yes. You sent me the trailer for this. Post stars none other than the Palmy North-hating, talky-based Basil Fawlty himself. He does hate Palmerston North.

He described it as the arsehole of the world. He said if someone was thinking about ending their life but didn't quite have what it took, a trip to Palmerston North should be just the thing to push them over the edge. Boy, did New Zealand get furious at him. The interviews he's done to promote it sent shivers down my spine i know you two will be rather busy little rascals what with the new season the incoming season two can i just i'm so sorry just so everyone's clear that was john cleese yeah who said that about palmerston north rob schneider as far as i know has made no comment

on small to medium new zealand towns we did get a message from someone I read in the In Between Times, you know, recently, saying they went to a Rob Schneider stand-up show. And, you know, I was as surprised as anyone to hear that it was not good, and he was sharing some perhaps regressive opinions. I know you two will be rather busy little rascals, but with the new season, the incoming season two of, and that's how it happened, Guy Guy's Spell Words Show and Remy. You may want to pretend that this new Schneider output...

And Olive. Don't leave out Olive. And I would thank you to not leave out Rufus. And I respect that. That's not me saying that. That's the author saying, and I respect that. And not in reference to what you said. Yeah, but clearly. In conclusion to the sentence they'd written.

Okay. Anyway, now you know, and I know that you know, I'd best be off now. Say my name, even if it isn't James from Perth XX. We write, Hi, thanks for contacting us.

We've received your message and appreciate you getting in touch. James has responded, Fuck, okay. I know I said bye bye. But I've just watched the trailer we've received your message and appreciate you getting in touch james has responded fuck okay i know i said bye bye but i've just watched the trailer and have to share this rob's character's last name is buble you know like the canadian singer everyone gets horny over and they use a buble song in the fucking trailer i'm vexed by this what would not have greenlit this trailer if approached good day that is such a rob schneider

thing to do to be like we got rights to the song no one tell him that i'm grabbing the last name of his character and going to be his brother in this movie yeah he technically can't sue us for that but it feels like something we should have sought permission for from michael buble before all we did is we told him we wanted to use his song. I'm still... This is sending me back to the... What was his special called? We're not doing this.

Not now, not ever. I can't remember. No, I'm not doing this. He had a special. Rob Schneider. It was on Netflix. We watched it. We're not doing this.

We watched it so many times Uh uh Anyway No Suri Bob At the end of it He sings

A Roy Orbison song With his daughter Who's a genuine singer It was the Sandman song Only in dreams Yeah nice How did he get the rights to that? He's the Orbison

Oh man Roy's gone But Roy Orbison Jr. is still around Copyright isn't totally dependent on the person being alive Asian Mama Mexican Kids Yeah And do you know why he called it that? Why, Guy?

Can you guess? No, you'll have to tell me It is laden with subtext The Asian Mama is in reference to Rob's own mama Who is Filipino Can you guess? No, you'll have to tell me. Well, it is laden with subtext. The Asian mama is in reference to Rob's own mama, who is Filipino, a country in Asia. And the Mexican kids, why I'm so glad you asked, they are in reference to his own children, not the aforementioned daughter with whom he sings Roy Orbison's Only in Dreams,

rather the two younger children he shares with his Mexican wife. Who we assume he loves, but he rails against literally everyone in his life for the entirety of the special. We got $150 US dollars from someone called Dan. It's a clever title, Tim. Can you imagine? That's so much money.

He's pulling from both his past, Dude, seriously. his present, and in some ways his future This deserves respect And I'm giving it to him I mean you know The content of the special might not have been for everyone But the title Brilliant

Dear Dr. Bat and Ms. Montgomery Purveyor of fine mattresses I don't quite get that I didn't add for a mattress oh yeah you did and they um they kept playing it without my permission and i and i did it for like a not very good rate because i needed the money at the time and then they rolled it over for another 12 months without asking yeah you know it's not totally kosher but we probably don't need to air that dirty laundry in here. Mainly because a mate of mine made the ad, so. Oh, they're.

He's having the shit. No, he's not in trouble. The crew aren't responsible for the. No, I think that's the thing in their business. They kind of look after a lot of. No, no, no. They broke up with the guy who did it. Oh, okay.

Anyway, look, we don't need to get into it. By reading your names, you have just formally agreed to the following business contract between us. Also, hey, Santad, if you hear a weird sound, that's Rufus playing with his little pig. That's right. Now, he had this pig ages ago. It makes a real racket, and he managed to disarm it over the course of many months. He ripped the thing apart and took out the... The noisemaker.

The noisemaker. And what did Zoe do to respond to that brief reprieve? Bought another brief. Bought a brand new one. Great stuff. It's a common motivating factor for dogs playing with noisy chew toys. Yeah. Mum and Dad's dog, Baxter, is hellbent.

Any chew toy. It's because it reminds them of killing a little rodent because that's the sound it would make. That's apparently what it's tapping into. Oh, wow. Which is pretty vicious. Sort of sounds like me when I can't burp, Tim.

And it sounds like when my body's trying to expel a burp and it's kind of this croaky sort of throaty sound. Ugh. The croaky throaty.

Formally agreed to the following business contract between us. I've transferred $150 US dollars to your PayPal not as a donation and thanks for many, many hours of fantastic content, but rather as prepayment for the following ad read. You ready? Mm-hmm.

It's time to leverage that international audience to bring some greenbacks our way. Here's the ad. Now, how do you want to do this? Should we go like a sentence each or? Paragraph for paragraph? Yeah, that sounds good. Do you want to go first or second? I'll go second.

Okay. Are you sick of depictions of New Zealand showing mountains, fjords, beaches, and cosmopolitan cities? Tired of being told that skiing, surfing, amazing forests, and clear glacial lakes are the perfect holiday? Try Palmerston North. Wow. The perfect place not to be distracted by any of that flashy crap. Palmy. It's perfect for cycling, as long as you go with the wind.

Palmy has stuff. And things. Palmy has a unique culture, boasting the highest number of people walking to the shops in pyjamas of anywhere in the southern hemisphere. Why not join the locals for a drink at one of our sun bars? Closed Sunday through Wednesday. Palmerston North. It's way better than Palmerston South.

Fuck those guys. Please say my name and know my offer of sparkling beverages next time you're playing the fantastic Regent Theatre. Dan Hammett. Pronounced Hammett. That is freaky, man. That's very unlikely, isn't it? These are two totally disparate people, messages, times that the messages were sent.

All centered around Parmy. Wouldn't you know it. Oh, wait. Did the last one bring up John Cleese or did we? I think that was us. Oh, no. I think maybe the message did. It was both yeah

jeez louise what are the odds of that that's crazy stuff they're not high they're not high at all they're not high this episode is dedicated to palmerston north just so we're clear okay yeah of the friend zone i don't really think of about it in terms of episodes but this one is i want to say something to you i'd love to hear it oh yeah uh hey timbo and guy guy this is from um the past you're singing a lot of beatles tunes at the my they're in your head is it from that peter jackson movie i was actually it was about this time last year i watched it really enjoyed it did you watch it yeah i think i did i definitely watched a lot of it. I don't know if I saw all of it. Because wasn't it three hours or five hours or something?

I think it was nine hours. Oh, wow. Didn't see all of it. That would explain. I mean, you know. Saw bits. Caught bits. Hey, Timbo and GuyGuy.

Just wanted to let you guys know that the new How I Met Your Mother reboot, How I Met Your Father, features Kim Cattrral as the future version of hillary duff haven't watched the first two episodes the show is bad in a funny way and it's already better than and just like that so shout out to kim for making the right choice and for having a glass of wine in her hand every time she's on screen love the show ash and this is actually from march is hillary duff and how i met your mother how i met your father no i just said hillary that she's playing hillary duff's character the future version of hillary duff no no no so oh so they're both yeah in this series and it's a what alternating timeline

kind of thing it's just the same premise with the different with different characters so instead of it being centered around a story of how someone met their father, their mother, it's their father. Was the narrator in How I Met Your Mother... Bob Saget. Bob Saget. It was. It's a crazy choice.

He's just right. I guess it's true. He's got a good voice and he's got a very familiar voice for men of a certain age who grew up on Full House. Rest in peace, Bob Saget. Yeah. But his stand-up was crazy. Filthy, yeah.

Which I think was what made him playing Danny Tanner in Full House quite a unique hire. Do more one. Guys wish for questionable music. Here we go. February 23rd is the date. The email reads as such. Dear Tim Tam, Walla Walla Bing Bang,

and the artist formerly known as Guy, first-time listener, I mean long-time listener, first-time emailer. In Do More One, Digital Fur Technology, Guy mentions... I forgot that's what we call the app. It's pretty funny. Guy mentions wanting a Spotify button that plays all your favorite songs at the same time.

At the same time, just to see what it would sound like. As a connoisseur of musical terrorism and sound clowns, this immediately reminded me of a project wherein a trio of visionaries polled the populace and produced two songs. One comprised of everything deemed good and one of the least favourite bits. While not exactly what Guy had in mind, the most wanted song is at best listenable and at worst catchy, the most unwanted song is a masterpiece of conflicting emotions, a hellish soundscape featuring out-of-tune bagpipes with children screaming, protesters singing call and response, Walmart commercials sung by children, and goes on for a glorious 21 minutes and 58 seconds.

I have linked a playlist below containing both of them. Considering your penchant for visually torturing yourselves, you should at least give your eyes a break at the unwanted one and give the unwanted one a listen. Bagpipes start at 3 minutes 28. It's only 22 more minutes of suffering for art. Say my name as if you were night swimming and something touched your leg. Neil! Gumpeters!

I was going to go, Neil Gumpers I was going to go Neil Gumpeters Deserves a quiet night Oh yeah nice nice nice I'm very calm when something touches my leg in the water That's probably where it's at It was a different time I don't want to do it anymore No you've opened it

Oh yeah I'm off Peace I shut her down It's enough to make me feel ill I think we'll need to do one more message and then maybe wrap this up yeah it's just a bit windy

I said it's not a cold breeze but it's not a warm breeze not tropical out here everybody listening so I'm going through the twitter don't let my t-shirt fool you and this one reads as follows this is from august here we go dear guy caroni and team sir yeah i just listened to the latest episode of killing air yeah remember we said this is set in august yeah and got served not one but

two ads for amazon in a row fantastic at first At first I thought, good, more money for Uncle Bezzy. And then I thought, wait, doesn't he lose money on ads? I'm not an economist, so you'll have to explain the math. Anyway, love you boys. I doubt this will make it to the friend zone. But if it does, say my name, even if it isn't Julian Higuere Nunes. Why do people assume they're not going to make it onto the friend zone? Because I think part of the friend zone is our ongoing mismanagement of our back catalog.

That's true. It's a reasonable assumption. Things fall through the cracks, but less than half. Yeah. So like, you know, I guess you don't know that as a listener, but I would. And you don't know what you don't know. So maybe more than half do fall through the cracks, but it feels to me like far less than half fall through the cracks. At any rate, look, I'm just happy you got served up an ad

because that means we get paid cents and cents for every time I hear one of those. I mean, I suppose there is a certain unknowable element to the math of advertising, where it's like unless there's a hyperlink where you can see what your spend is and then you can see what comes back

through people clicking on the link I'm not going to pretend to understand the balance sheet of Amazon Incorporated neither am I I mean I don't even know

if Jeff's doing that anymore no I think he he popped off I saw a a bald sort of quite jacked looking guy

recently walking out of a hotel and I thought Jeff and? it wasn't sort of quite jacked-looking guy recently walking out of a hotel, and I thought, Jeff? And? It wasn't. But I can dare to dream. Sorry for your loss.

Hey, what have you got to say? I've got to say this. I would like you all to listen to Till Death Do Us Blart, otherwise known as Death Blart. It is an annual holiday tradition for american thanksgiving where guy and tim team up with those three beautiful mcelroy brothers from my brother my brother and me and watch paul blart mall cop 2 annually this year there's a twist one of us doesn't have to well i guess this depends how you look at it one of us doesn't watch the movie one

of us watches here comes the boom here Here comes the, ready or not. And we don't know yet who is going to watch that other Kevin James movie. So that'll be a fun little game to play. Someone who's really embracing the holiday spirit of being on a holiday and not doing their work. A little twist, a little twist. So have a listen to that.

That's out on American Thanksgiving, which from memory is like November 26thth yeah 25th sounds right so so soon maybe i'm releasing this after then i don't know but the good thing about podcasts is they're there for more than one day they're there forever and that's that's i believe the eighth and um episode of that podcast yeah which is crazy stuff maybe seventhth? 7 or 8? listen we will be announcing in full detail what's next unfolding on the worst idea of all time

so if for no other reason listen for that little nuggy of information when it starts it doesn't stop until it's finished when's your touring on sale? I'm going on tour across Australia and New Zealand and it goes on sale on December the 2nd. Where are you going?

I'm going to go to the following places. Christchurch. Yes, I am. Yeah. I thought I wasn't for a second, but I am. I'm going to... I'm helping. I'm going to Canberra, Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide.

I'm going to Hamilton, Nelson, Christchurch, Palmerston North, of course. Auckland, Wellington. Are you playing the region? No. No, I gather. The Globe. I don't know the Globe. I'm just owing to...

It's all going to be on guymontgomery.co.nz and tickets go on sale on the 2nd of December and I'm really excited. I've been working quite hard on the show already and I think it could be good. It'll be a sensation. Don't miss out, everyone. Guys coming to your city,

the least you could do is... Go to a great comedy show. There are some people in adelaide who have been lobbying this yeah for a long time and i'm very grateful to be able to i would love for us to do a live show in adelaide this coming year 23 oh my gosh go and see him well i'll go see what it's like test the waters mate yeah okay everyone have a lovely whatever the fuck you're doing yeah that's what i have to say to you yeah hey won't you enjoy whatever the fuck you're doing. Yeah. That's what I have to say to you. Hey, why don't you enjoy whatever the fuck it is you're doing to whittle away the hours.

God damn, enjoy it so much. We have got to get inside. Bye. Bye. Bye. Friends on and not alone Anytime With Tim and Guy