The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone 82

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

The Fellas are sifting through some beautiful (though slightly dated) mail. In this Friendzone, we’ve got a feminist essay, a teacher using the podcast to impart English lessons and a missed Sandler opportunity. Let’s get converting out there, everyone! Otherwise this pair of podcasters will forever feel bad about their kiwi accents! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friendzone And have a good time, yes it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy Cause making friends is the best idea of all time Hello and welcome to friendzone number 82 I reckon Could be 82, could be 83 Could be anything in this day and age couldn't it? Life, oh life I'm Guy, coming to you live from New York City

We're apart, but in many ways together Thanks to the cursed union of the Worst Day of All Time podcast And the blessed union of the Friend Zone We're wedded, we're wedded to each other in this zone. And this is the place where we look at our letters to cheer us up while we hang out with the gals. It is. I would also like to say a huge thank you to our friend.

I'm just going to get their name in front of me. Michaela, who we spoke about in the last Friend Zone, who has since emailed me the entirety of a feminist essay around Sex and the City, entitled Manolo Blahnik's and Monogamy Sex and the City's Standard Societal Scripts. I've not yet read this. I'm going to forward it to you right now tim and perhaps thank you uh read it on the plane today between now and our next um podcast we could both have a read and

try and interweave that academic text into our academic conversation about the movie thankfully that is not what we're here to do right now it isn't monty can i just tell you something uh permission granted i'm so fucking pumped to be coming to america to hang out with you and our mates it's gonna be so much fucking fun god damn it it's gonna be fun i can hear how excited you are and I'm relieved because I was going to tell you that you weren't allowed to say anything. And then none of that information would have been shared. You would have had simmering resentment towards me the whole podcast. No one would have known the palpable excitement that you're currently feeling. But no, I'm right there with you.

And to all of you listening along right now, please, if you are in New York City, Chicago, Portland, or LA, let it be known that we are coming to perform one live show per city for all of you. All information available at... Where is it available, Tim? LittleEmpirePodcast.com slash live. I love it. A great place to go for tickies. man yeah it's gonna be great it's

gonna be so fun can i kick off with a letter yes permission granted we're up to the month of march now in my stack so you know progress is slowly being made this comes to us from dan who writes tim and guy i want to write you with good news a short interlude and consequently bad news the good news is that i greatly enjoy listening to your podcast and i've converted my girlfriend into listening as well we love the frequency with which people they tell us they have converted listeners often romantic partners people are allowed to enjoy or not enjoy podcasts entirely of their own volition i appreciate the efforts that those of you are making but please if it doesn't take naturally don't force it on these people they're probably busy i don't co-sign mark maron talk about his cat

i disagree with what guys just said and hopefully by the end of the season i will have converted them to our way of thinking friends let's remain strong on this one the letter continues we love talking about mr big's illiteracy and your amusingly expansive vocabulary recently my local improv group here in hawaii was joined at the last minute by david fucking spade swearing mine tim i added the fucking who did an accompanying stand-up set intertwined with our short form the bad news is that i did not get the chance to ask him about the worst idea of all time grown-ups to nor blaze pizza who by the way need to pay the fuck up it does make me curious have you ever gotten word of fans talking to actors in the film from the previous season's films and getting their thoughts, reactions to your extensive research into their performance? I apologize for not cornering Spade for a quick Q&A.

Love every moment and say my name, Dan Connell. Well, thank you, Dan. I remember once an angry extra from Growing Ups 2 tweeted at us saying that we'd never made anything in our lives before. I am still in what could loosely be termed as a relationship with Patrick Schwarzenegger, in which we follow one another on Twitter, and I message him when I'm in LA saying,

let's meet up for a beer. Does he message back? Only one or two weeks afterwards when the coast is clear for him to say i just missed you he does do that hey he waits to know when it is important once he got us at the airport didn't he and by us i mean you yeah but it is us yes uh we both saw adam sandler after watching him perform we saw him uh out in the wild but we were both too either respectful or cowardly to approach i think genuinely i think respectful but i think i listened do you know what backs us up is that special he just released on netflix it's like yeah we did the right thing

well you you show that we wouldn't have had to bring up the podcast would have just been nice to say hi i listened to his episode of conan o'brien needs a friend and he talks about uh he's like a fundamentally he doesn't say in these words but the the the kernel of truth or the nugget i took away from it is that he's a fundamentally good guy and if a fan makes eye contact with him with a look in their eyes that say i need or want to talk to you he will oblige them and we had that opportunity and we we missed it and i you know i don't think either of us are usually ones who would seek out that interaction but it would have been pretty special yeah uh but all that to say no knowledge as to who or what oh maximum joseph actually on a reddit ama uh was made aware that we were debasing his art house film we are your friends you've

selected the literal perfect verb for what we're doing we are absolutely debasing films like you would debase currency by making too much of it and thereby destroying its value we're debasing so good everything we come in orbit with we're debasing ourselves included and any guests uh so hopefully that answers your question dan don't feel too badly about not getting de-spayed on the on the hook for a conversation about the worst city of all time i'm sure his life will continue unfettered. We got spaded. Dear Tim Lee and Legilis, you're the bravest and funniest boys whose foxhole humor towards awful cinematography has gotten me through the darkest of times.

You're truly one of the shining lights of my life. I'm currently listening to the podcast and I'm loving the first season. I saw Grown Ups 2 once, but it was a fever dream of images within my memory, so I decided to give it a go again. I'll agree with you all. The physical gags are all that is holding that movie up, if at all.

The second season goes to a dark place, mainly because of the length of sex and the city too. I plan on watching that with the five-hour energy episode so I can experience the true glory of our Lord and Saviour coffee guy. Then, this person might have done this recently. This is from the very end of February. Then I'll finally move on to the Citizen Kane of our time. Tim's words, not mine.

To watch some fuckboys kill our beloved squirrel. I just wanted to write you boys about how you've taken just a dark aspect of our nation's cinema and turned it into a bright spot in so many listeners' lives. I'm an English teacher at an inner-city school with a heavily Hispanic population, so there are many kids who are still working on their English skills. I've opened up an extra credit assignment

for them to listen to your podcast and write a review of the overall season including their shining light and their theories surrounding Steve Buscemi,

Coffee Guy, Dick Bot and what on earth is in that MacBook Pro box. The goal is to improve their English listening and speaking skills by exposing them

to Kiwi vocabulary. It tickles me pink at the idea that I'll have an entire generation of students taking on Kiwi accents and developing New Zealand syntax and vocabulary. May you live every moment and love every day. Say my name, Brandon. P.S. If you read this out loud on the podcast,

I'll write a script for Grown Ups 3 and pitch it to Happy Madison Productions for your future pleasure. I'll resolve the issues surrounding the Steve Buscemi Mystery Tour I will further develop the mythos surrounding

Patty Schwartz Party Time and I'll include threads that connect the other two films such as a faction of Brady the Rat King and Our Lord and Savior Squirrel within the after credit sequence

so that it will bolster Hollywood into making more movies so that this glorious podcast may never die love you boys. Massive shout out to Brandon, not just for the initial message, but for the burden of responsibility he has taken on

and all of the promises, false or otherwise, that he has made within this message. That is outstanding. That is so fucking cool that he is getting his students to listen to us wow I can't imagine it's sort of like good academics or you know sound education pedagogy

is that how you say that word but boy howdy if I'm not excited about it tremendous news Brandon thank you so much that was the sweetest this is why I love being in the friend zone

entertaining thought you hear about people thinking in our accents after they've spent too much time with us but very rarely do you think about people's language actually being impacted by the foolish way we talk Guy? Yeah tim subject for the next letter i have found elaine do i have your attention fucking are you do oliver writes dear tim and guy after hearing guys a recent

discussion about the appearance of coffee guy in sex in the city one i did some digging of my own my first stop was IMDB. I immediately searched for Elaine and found that there were two matches on the page. The first, which I was expecting to see, was for Elaine's friend. The second and more surprising match was for Elaine O'Donnell, the assistant set decorator. Maybe Elaine that Coffee Guy is referring to is not another extra, but the set decorator who coffee guy in his addiction addled state has bribed in order to get an extra role in the movie and more importantly access to the movie props including the sweet java so he so desperately craves the

mystery continues i love this take i feel like if this theory were true there'd be more value in coffee guy befriending the the unit manager the person in charge of uh snacks and beverages in terms of getting his hands on some java i mean in movies it is notoriously and famously frustrating to see characters waltzing around with paper coffee cups that could contain any liquid, any amount of liquid. And they're always empty. And they always make that awful empty noise when they put them down on the table. We can't see what's in there. The physics are all off. So just put water in there.

But I love the idea that he has done this successfully enough that um but his name isn't actually in the genuine credit sequence it's on the imdb page i think it holds a lot of water i'm in unlike the coffee cups hey i like that uh what do you think about it tim i'm still upset by the way at your outright rejection of my discovery of who Coffee Guy could have been. I mean, now it's canon, so I don't know why I go back to it, but my God. Oh, man.

I can't believe you're still upset by it. Well, I do believe it, actually. I'm disappointed that you're still upset by it. But I'm also more disappointed in myself for not coming with you on that journey. We very rarely block each other on this journey, and I really done goofed by doing it so you have my apologies it's uh nothing to worry about tim i'm actually totally

over i don't know why i keep bringing it up dear sweet timbo and guy guy i need yours help so so bad i have a friend who heard about the premise of your show and last night when we were watching the 2013 film the to-do list he told me he wanted to watch it every week for a year i keep trying to tell him that even though it was a fun movie to watch while we were stoned i'd rather die than watch it 52 times he keeps insisting that it would be fun and we've been arguing about it non-stop and it's starting to come between our friendship. If you could try and talk some sense into him, it would be greatly appreciated. This is from Claude. So Claude, if you're listening,

I would hand the headphones over to your friend right now. And Claude, you stop listening. Hey, Claude's friend, persist with this line of reasoning. If I'm living through this fucking nightmare for a fourth time so help me god this pig shit listener claude who's helped push us over the precipice of sanity to get us this far in the first place can suffer alongside us i don't know what happens in the to-do list i don't know the runtime of the to-do list the fact you enjoyed

it on the first time tells me that there's hope for you guys to get through a few weeks of this before you start turning on yourselves and each other. But absolutely do not stop persisting that this takes place. Tim, yours. Look, it's got a tremendous cast. I can't endorse the idea. I'm sorry. I know I just said I would never block Guy again, but here I am. I can't recommend that you do this.

You're affecting your friend, and more importantly, you're affecting your relationship to your friend. So I think you need to get out while the getting's good. I like the fact that you enjoyed the premise of our podcast, but you need to live your life out there. The whole point of us doing this is so other people don't have to. We are taking upon the sins of the world so that you can be redeemed. All right?

All right. Have you got another letter there, Tim? Francesca writes on this crisp 10th of March, Dear Timothy Bathieu and Montgomery the Guying DJ. I don't quite get that second one. The crying DJ. Oh, of course, crying. Gotcha. gotcha fuck damn it i'm so dumb i have typed out many messages did you just say yeah so what if i did fuck you man i've typed out many messages for you two over the years, but as I, like Guy Montgomery, am a real piece of shit,

I never succeeded in sending one until today. At this time, I would like to submit a theory about Coffee Guy. Guy's assertion that he is in the first movie but drinks coffee at a normal pace has led me to conclude that between the first and second movies, Coffee Guy became a professional pants shitter. It is now his job to mainline caffeine at a pace so quick that shortly after finishing his beverages, he blows it all out the other end.

This is very blue. I admit my theory has not developed enough yet to ascertain why someone would have this job. Feel free to ponder this on your own time. I've never watched any of the movies, and I likely never will. Permission granted. Thank you.

Despite the dozens of hours of content I listened to for season three alone, it somehow escaped my knowledge and or memory that Brady the Rat King is a child, a startling revelation in season four for sure my good boys allow me to get sentimental thank you for all that you do your endless hours of free entertainment have kept me company in so many situations over the years from international travel to moving to a new city for school to having your potty as a welcome distraction from

chronic pain relating to long-term illness your kiwi voices and inconsistent pronunciations of raleigh north carolina have been there with me through all the years it is my intention to throw you some cash in the future that said you two have proved provided me with so much entertainment over the years i would never be able to afford to pay you what you are truly due. Tim, congrats to you and Zoe on your marriage and puppy. Guy, you sure did piss into that pool. With admiration, Frankie from Canada. Not good for morale.

But I did piss into that pool, correct. Hey, can I say this? Yeah. On the topic of Brady being a child This next piece of correspondence, also from early March It's nice we're moving through time at the same speed Do you want to just say thank you to Frankie For sending us such a lovely and heartfelt letter?

Frankie? Thank you But this is connected to what Frankie has said This is a screencap from an article on E! Online, I assume written around March 2019. I'm going to read you two paragraphs. According to the insider, it wasn't just Big's all-consuming death

that discouraged Kim Cattrall from signing on for the third movie, but pay disparities and the script as a whole. Kim never wanted to really do the movie to begin with, the source reveals. It was a combination of not great money and a bad storyline for Samantha. It was a bad script, the source simply puts it. What made the script so bad, you may ask? Well, for starters, Samantha's main storyline

revolved around her and Miranda's 14-year-old son, Brady. Early in the film, Brady gets caught masturbating. He's also caught sending dick pics of his erect penis to samantha or what what hold on what this image does not appear to be doctored it is a screen cap from an article on e online he's sending dick pics to samantha it's from our listener jan and jan has written wanking rat king question mark question mark question mark i guess he's trying to create his own coat from his own substance that is fucking wild why would a 14 year old be sending. Let's do the math on this. Samantha is 50 at the end of the first film. Brady is four. I think if he is now 14,

that's 10 years. He's sending dick pics to a 60 year old woman. Why? I know it's Samantha, but still, I think the reasoning behind that is that Samantha's entire characterization at this point through two movies in the entire series has been reduced to i might be 55 now but i still love to fuck and tangentially related but you and i both recently watched a movie which incidentally addressed similar themes the book of henry in which the titular hen is embraced in quite an adult kiss

by an alcoholic waitress portrayed, somewhat convincingly, by phenomenal comedian and actor Sarah Silverman. Anyway, I thought that was a pretty river. If you want to check that out, that's over in the Patreon palace. Yeah. Ripper bit of content there,

so thank you so much to jan for that piece of correspondence that has that's shocked me to my core that that could have been in the fourth wait third film nuts that's crazy hey uh you want to hear another yeah you want to check this one out it's uh subject line s-a-t-c which I believe stands for Sex and the City, Colouring Inside the Lines. And this one is addressed to me. Hi, Timbo. I've been enjoying the new season of TWIOAT, but I've been really confused by the Colouring Inside the Lines discussions. The suggestions and answers given by you and your guests do not mesh with the line you were saying.

So I finally caved and looked up the script online to see what I was missing about the scene. As ever, our language difficulties are to blame. Yeah. Sorry, you cut out. Can you go back from, you got up to saying and then I couldn't hear you for a little bit. Do not mesh with the things that you were saying,

the line that you were saying. All right, just hold on for a sec because I've got to edit this now. So I'll just leave some silence. As ever, our language differences are to blame. I have been hearing you say, he really, R-E-A-L-L-Y, colors and stuff. We've been through this, guy. You know what this letter says.

You know what's up. I know exactly what this letter says. We've been through this guy you know what this letter says you know exactly what this i know exactly what this letter says and we've been through it i will not apologize for speaking with a thick new zealand accent truthfully the only accent i did a show the other night tim after i got back to new york and i'd arrived at midnight the night before i'd hung out with my housemate ken fantastic guy also a new zealander i didn't speak to anyone except from passing at a cafe before doing the show and uh i watched about half an hour of the show and then when i went up to perform and started speaking in my head i was like jesus fucking christ that is a thick accent i mean this

when that happens impossible to understand it was crazy i've had that in new york weirdly i've never had that experience when we've been in la i don't think but i've definitely had it as soon as i set foot in new york city i was like i sound like a big dumb idiot what is this dumb voice i have uh It was really, really jarring. Shall I read this one more and then call it a day? And then I'll do one more. No, you love it, don't you? I love it.

I love the zone, baby. There's two... Oh, wow. There's two separate pieces of correspondence neither of which to to which we responded one from 2018 and one from 2019 and they kind of the way the second one's written it kind of seems like they flow on so i'm going to read all of all of it oh boy okay stop stop me if you've heard the first part before hopefully our listeners and friends are as forgetful as we are. Hey, Timonim

and Guillermo del Comedor. I was just wondering if you two have heard of anyone doing a podcast called The Verst Idea of All Time where hosts test a different sausage

every week for a year. My girlfriend and I have been tossing that idea around since I brought it up trying to get her into my strange addiction to your content. She loves food, so-so on comedy.

If this hasn't been done yet, I'd honestly be shocked and would love your blessing in trying out the podcast idea. Also, I'd just feel insanely awesome if the magnificent Timberine and man Alejandro Saskatchewan Montgomery would endorse my terrible idea that's sure to taste amazing. I'm taking a trip to Europe with her soon, so I feel that would be a great time to start. Love you boys.

You're brave boys, and you sacrificed three assuredly painful years of your precious little time on this rock for us. The lonely listeners, what you've done is truly admirable. You're such good boys. Please say my name on the potty. I learned that word from you, great educators.

If you so choose to read this on a friend zone, Eric Martin. P.S. I'm broke, so the aforementioned trip to Europe, but I'll still try give you brave boys some cash cashish when i return uh one year later i still think you guys are awesome and really hope all is well i saw a guy who looked like guy in arizona the other day and i really hoped it was him because it was a very nice day and it would have been nice if he had a chance to enjoy it anyway since my last visit about the first idea of all time i've hoped it was him because it was a very nice day and it would have been nice if he had a chance to enjoy it anyway since my last visit about the versed idea of all time i've

decided it would be best if i go vegetarian and therefore abandon the sausage idea also tim i'm sorry i'm bad at puns for your name i love you both equally and hearing my message read by guy kind of felt like i was doing you a disservice by ignoring your beautiful name so it has been read before it's simply too stoic again i'm sorry if I've bothered either of you. Please, both either of you come to Arizona for a show or LA even. I'd probably drive for it. Well, in response to the final part of that message, I would say catch you on Friday, June 28th

at the Dentistry Typewriter in Los Angeles, Eric. And to the rest of the message, I'd say thank you for your hilarious and kind-hearted correspondence, for your generosity to the rock that we all share and going vegetarian and um i'm sorry that we're so bad at admin but eric it is a joy to read your writing and there are some okay vegetarian sausages out there if you want to pick up the the versed idea of all-time uh podcast concept and continue to run with it i've got nothing to add.

Guy, that was so succinct and efficient. This is a message that comes to us from Michael. Michael says, Tim, Guy, you sexy pair of bastards. I was delighted to hear about the worst idea of all time's return. I'll add that this was sent to us on the 17th of March. Regarding your boy's decision

to get this season's watches out of the way at record pace, I feel it necessary to tell you of the opinions of two podcasters from back in the summer of 2016 i think they were called spinley in the flash episode 11 gold star thursday of season 3 flash if someone came up to you and said you can do it in whatever number of remaining weeks. 41 weeks. Can you do it in 41 days? Spinley. Yeah. Flash.

What would you choose? Spinley. What do I have to watch? Oh, what do I have to watch at one flash? Yeah. I see what you're saying. Which would mean. I'm skipping the Spinley and Flash bits now, guys.

Which would mean more merciful to you. Oh, man, says Spinelli. Quite possibly the way we're doing it once a week. Like, yeah, speeding it up any more than once a week would actually be a fucking massive pain in the ass. Flash, oh, it would be a hugely, it would in pot like logistically impossible end quote so how do you boys feel about these cheeky young upstarts claiming any more than one watch a week is not possible love the show if you want to read this say my name it's mike richardson fuck good on you mike you observant prick don't lash out at him. You're angry at yourself. I would say that those guys are smarter than we are,

which is not how wisdom is meant to trend in terms of growth, but you run your brain into the ground, you pay the cost. Ultimately, are you pleased that we made the decision to ramp things up? No. I'm not pleased that we decided to get back together and do this i think accelerating the pace at which we watched

it was ultimately a mistake um not that alone i think doing it i think you know we have our moments and we have some laughs but uh i still live in fear of talking to you because of how often it ends up in us having to watch Sex and the City. It is quite the sort of democlesse hanging above our friendship. I don't regret it. Until I walk free.

Oh, you go ahead. Sorry. It really sounded like you were wrapping up too. I just want to say that there is humor to escalation and there is always goodness in change. So I think that, you know, we took a risk, we took a punt, and I like the fact that this season does operate slightly different from the others.

I don't regret that. I love you framing the idea of change as something appealing inside of describing why watching the same movie over and over again is a decent or functional idea you fucking loon uh tim i've got to go i'm worried i'm going to run out of storage and this friend zone's going to be uh cut off outside of our control but to everyone who has corresponded with us, thank you so much. I can't wait to catch up and be friend zoning in real time.

Speaking of which, if you want to friend zone in real time in a real place, head along to littleempirepodcasts.com to check for dates and tickets to our live shows in chronological order, New York, Chicago, Portland, and Los Angeles. Tim, I love you.

I respect you. I stand by everything I've said to you I'm still scared of talking with you but I hope you have a wonderful day thanks guy talk to you later on after we've watched Sex and the City not funny

not funny Not funny.