The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Eighty Seven

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Come to our London show / Check out Cult PoptureThe fellas are in Montreal and Auckland respectively and enjoying a bit of a rest from the hell that was TWIOAT. Time to do the best thing there is - hanging out with friends. Non-binary friends who are going through break ups, friends questioning the Louise Theory, artistic friends. We love our friends. For they are the best. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone, and have a good time, yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the friend zone with Tim and Guy. How are you going? Yeah, I'm really good, man. I'm in Montreal at the tail end of the Just for Laughs comedy festival. And I am about to pack my bag and get on an aeroplane. Get this. It's got a few connections. I'm going Montreal to Toronto, Toronto to London, London to Edinburgh.

It's like you're not flying that longer distance to do that many stops. Yeah, to be honest, it's not how I like my itineraries to look. But the important thing is the start and end point. And I'm very excited to get to Scotland. I have had a good time here. I haven't really got to speak to you much, Tim. How are you? How's Auckland? Mate, we're here and we're doing well.

Everything's groovy. What to report? Not a lot to report, guy. Everything's just ticking over. A little chilly at the moment, it being winter. Yeah. No, we're good. That's life.

Have you done any cool touristy activities in your own hometown? Hmm. Cool touristy activities. Not lately, but brisk for that. Trying to get back into running. I've loosely committed to a half marathon. There's a nifty little TV series that TVNZ have done about the history of New Zealand comedy, which I'm enjoying. Ah, yeah. I read a review you wrote of the companion book.

That was a well-written review, Tim. Yeah, give this. Thank you. Well, firstly, they said, can you write a piece about this book? So I was purposefully not writing a review. And then they released it, and they were like, here's Tim reviewing the book. And I was like, oh, I thought you told me not to do that so i didn't um i read that goddamn i read that 300 page book in three days and i'm a very slow reader because i wanted to beat the first

episode coming out and then i sat on the story for seven days before they put it online well that's life that's life um hey uh so you're probably wondering to yourself what the fuck's going on with this podcast and you'd be right to wonder because uh we don't know but what i do know is that uh we're going to check on overlooked and undercooked season one um just to give you a tasty little morsel of some stuff that's on there we're going to be very soon featuring an episode of a podcast called cult popture which is um two other kiwi dudes who do a proper film podcast they're very funny they're very good so we'll give you a little taste of that they're also on the little empire Podcast Network. And they're from Christchurch, our hometown. Love that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. I love it. You know I love it. But right now we are delving into the mailbag to look at some very apologetically old letters that have been sent to us by the medium of the internet. You know what?

You say that but the the more we read the closer we get to the i mean you know messages coming at roughly the same pace as we release friend zones but one day i imagine a world where we are existing in the present day alongside our mailbag so thank you to everyone who's written please keep writing and to all of it all of the messages that have slipped through the cracks i say this it's not our fault hey boys i hope it's cool to miss you on here absolutely is i've recently started paying the boys on patreon so i thought i'd drop you a line started listening in november after death Blast and since then you boys have been my go-to get this Tim

falling asleep podcast love it I'll take it I fall asleep to if it's not silence or you know if I'm not just feeling tired I often fall asleep to Peep Show or the UK Office

so I take it as a vote of confidence I've been listening along to this season and catching up on the old stuff and i'm always completely caught up i don't know what i'm going to do next i didn't realize what a trial you boys were going through till i ended up having to watch some of sex in the city for class a few weeks ago i honestly don't know how you've done it you absolute mad lads even where it was doing the reading for the class and being confronted with quotes from michael patrick king which is a weird way of spelling mattress pikelet king but whatever if you'll allow me to get sentimental for a second i'm currently studying abroad in the netherlands i don't have loads of friends my boyfriend broke

up with me last month because i'm non-binary the potty stopped me from going down too dark a hole in my own head as well as keep me company through monging out on that good dutch kush thanks for keeping me sane even at the cost of your own sanity i've provided you with listener dana from five european countries so far with another three to go in the next month not sure what you'll be doing after the end of the season four but i'll be looking forward to seeing it live every moment love every day hail br Brady the Rat King, etc. From your friend, M. M, thank you so much. I'm glad to hear we could be of some use and companionship in a less than ideal period of your life.

Being abroad is hard, but ultimately really fun. And you seem to have a pretty good life. Some breakups. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's true, actually. And eventually really fun and you seem to have a breakups oh yeah yeah it's true actually and eventually really fun yeah i guess that's true to a degree but uh yeah no i happy to help we have tim and i've got uh we haven't made any uh noises or announcements about it yet but we have sort of loosely agreed upon a concept that should be less arduous for us and hopefully just as entertaining for you.

Yeah, I don't know if it'll be less arduous, which is why we need to chat about it, but we'll get to that later. But M, my non-binary sibling from another nibbling, you are in our hearts and minds. Love and respect to you love i have a letter from ranger ranger writes dear tim baton rouge louisiana and guy montgomery alabama i have a very important question is it possible big doesn't go through with the wedding because he knows Carrie is going insane and has invented Louise?

Does he look when Carrie talks, quote, to Louise? Perhaps concerned? Does Big ever directly address Louise? If so, does he do it as one would humor a child by talking to their imaginary friend? You've always said that big didn't have a real reason to leave carry at the altar but maybe it was right there the whole time thank you for your help feel free to say my name ranger p.s i have a problem but i can't tell you what it is do you have any advice for me please keep it general yeah i've got some advice

if you have a problem here's my advice most problems can be solved not all but a lot by breaking it down into its constituent parts if you've got a big complicated problem you you gotta get a pen and a paper out write what the problem is at the top of the page and then write some subheadings and then then under those subheadings, write some smaller headings. And then before you know it, you've finished the exam, you've handed in on time, and it only took like two Ritalin. I've also got a suggestion. What you do is just shrink it down until it exists only in soft focus at the back of your mind. And it will occasionally pop up and terrify you.

But there'll be periods of time where you don't even think about it at all and uh eventually it will disappear or take over your life and totally railroad all of the hard work you've done to get to where you are today it's a real roll of the dice um i would probably follow tim's advice on that one. I was being a touch facetious. Yeah, I don't think mine's terribly good advice either. In terms of Louise, we only came up with the theory because there is no other character

that interacts with Louise. So no point does Big share a screen or a conversation with her. So that answers that. Do you mind if I go on to another one, Guy? I don't mind. David writes, Hi Tim and Guy. Just wanted to say,

while I initially was worried that the season would be beating Dead Horse and not as funny, I am happy I was wrong. This season had some of the funniest moments so far. My personal favourite being Guy's comments on Leafs and their use in film. i don't remember that personally also your theories on carrie's imaginary friends was also really good

i just quickly actually like to insert myself here to the theory uh outlined in the last letter that big might leave care because she knows that she's becoming cracked um louise does not enter carrie's uh conscious or subconscious until well after she's been jilted by big so uh while i appreciate the speculation uh it is within the world of the film that is not a possibility or i mean he could have seen the early signs but uh she doesn't really start hanging out with louise until well after Big jilts her. There we go. If anything, Big might be Louise in some ways. I also want you to know that I can no longer listen to the podcast at the gym since last time I did, I was doing bench presses

and I nearly dropped the weights on myself because I was laughing so hard. And I don't want my accidental death to be on your hands. By the way, I think the term you guys are looking for with regards to the suicide talk in the last episode is the call of the void just like tonight this was sent on the 17th of April and there's a wikipedia

link all the best David PS when you guys are done this season I hope you two keep podcasting together because you two make a great duo. Although, for your own sanity, watching a movie three times a week might not be the best progression. I wholeheartedly agree.

Yeah, nothing to argue with there. Thank you for the message. And, yeah, I'm in June, by the way, Tim. So we're really up and down here. We're real to part. Well, then let me do three to every one you do. This one's short. It's a donation from Andrew who said,

good on you for getting back in, you crazy fucks. Cheers, Andrew. God bless you. Are you going to read one? I just did. Ah, nice. Sorry, I was scouting this next one that I'm going to read one i just did ah nice sorry i was i was scouting this next one that i'm going to read so this is um a long or not a long time ago but in early april this year we got a message from an artist who was telling us about uh they're a painter and they spend a lot of their day in the studio listening to the worst editor of all time while working on their art

and now they can't look at some of the paintings without connecting them to the worst idea of all time while working on their art and now they can't look at some of the paintings without connecting them to the episodes that were um gotta sell them yeah but so that's uh that is really uh cool and then on the 12th of june they've sent a follow-up message because i said I'd love to see some of the art. It says, hey, guys, thanks for your message on the friend zone. It's so nice of you guys to say you're interested in seeing my artwork. As requested, here's a link to my Instagram for my paintings and other work on there. Also, I'd love to come to one of your live shows one day.

So if you and Tim are able to make it over to London sometime, let us know. Cheers, Amy. Well, Amy, as well you know, on September the 6th, Tim and I will be doing a live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. And for anyone who wants to check out her art, which is actually really awesome, she has some really cool portraits. It's really quite a cool and distinct style.

It is Amy Gillies Art. So that's A-M-Y-G-i-l-l-i-e-s-a-r-t uh and yeah i remember i remember thinking at the time i loved it so much i make a monthly spotify playlist so that uh you know every there's no real cohesion to them but it means that a year or two years down the line i can listen back to some of the songs and they really place me uh at where i was in my life geographically and mentally at the time and so it's interesting to think of podcasts serving the same function as music it's like an incredible mood adjuster uh so thank you for corresponding and yeah check out that instagram there's some really cool paintings on there i've just followed amy gilly's art there's some good shit on here i love it love art andrew dear timbly wimbley guymont blur and brochet the knife sandwich spread i have enjoyed your many emotional

arcs since the beginning of season one as a self-appointed amateur knife guy like timbo baggins i recently came across a model slash style of knife for the first time recently that is both a clever design and kiwi like you two three including brochette as is now the adopted third co-host am i saying that right i've forgotten how i was pronouncing how was i saying i was yeah you'rechet. Yeah, you were saying brochet because you were trying to say brioche. Or broach, maybe. I can't remember.

Attached to the photos of the peasant knife made in New Zealand with its interesting tang flying out the back of the hinge. You might want to consider it iteration number five should anything eventually happen to brochet. If this makes it on the friend zone, should anything eventually happen to Brochet. If this makes it on the friend zone,

say my name, say my name. Keep it frosty, fellas. This is from Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. Fucking good looking knife. Please stop trying to ply Tim with knives. Really good. Dear Tim and Guy.

It's like an orange plastic handle. It's small, but it's sharp looking. I just finished watching the abomination of a film titled we are your friends this is from the 15th of june there's literally nothing about this film i enjoyed plot no characters no music no costumes no literally nothing i just quickly like to insert myself here i was recently uh i was by the pool here at the the hotel i've been staying at and they were blasting the sort of music that you're pretty much playing the where are your friends soundtrack you know across the speakers and um while i wasn't necessarily enjoying it i could in that moment see how people like i experienced a glimpse or a feeling of what that culture is like and understood the function of the music and you know could see the sorts of people who

were getting into it uh so don't know what that is to do with anything but there you go at this point i'd like to acknowledge that i did not expect to enjoy the movie but i was hoping to find at least one as you would say shining light i've already watched the other three films you've analysed over the years. All of them are definitely not great movies, but none truly as terrible as We Are Your Friends. At least with Sex and the City's one and two, I had built up enough goodwill over the years of watching the TV show to like elements of the movies and genuinely enjoy myself at times throughout, despite Carrie being the Muppet she is. Grown Ups 2, although downright dumb, and at one point while watching,

my boyfriend did state, this is terrible, why are you watching this? At least I had enough fond memories of the Sandler Revolt to recognize the attempts at humor. We Are Your Friends was such garbage to watch and the character is so unlikable that I struggled to comprehend how you managed to watch it so many times,

you fucking psychopaths. Apologies for my outburst. My anger should be directed towards the film but instead you frosty fellas took the blow your podcast is one of my greatest sources of joy in the world my favourite episode would have to be the most recent episode one with Jen Fricker, she's a great addition to the team

and would love to have her on the potty again I also love the idea of her cancelling Guy, now that's great comedy, keep up the phenomenal work, love you good boys say my name, Amanda of her cancelling Guy. Now that's great comedy. Keep up the phenomenal work. Love you, good boys. Say my name, Amanda. Solante.

It could be a hard C, but I'm going to go with Solante. It's a green light. It's a green light for me. Amanda, that message fills my heart with pride and sadness for you. That we're your your biggest source of joy but i'm just gonna keep it positive and say thank you ever so much this super lovely

to hear isn't that nice isn't that all that we two aspiring comedians could hope for guy yeah i think it's uh well no but it's certainly part of the parcel marianne writes, Hey, been listening to you since close to the beginning, and at the risk of being boring, I will reiterate what many of your listeners have said. I've relied on your podcast to get me through many boring and anxious times, but, you know, I think it may be time to call it a day.

For your sake. I wish you hadn't chosen this particular movie. I wondered about it at the time and now i'm pretty sure it's a shitty movie to watch over and over again if you go i would will miss you you and guy are sort of a magic duo magnificent soulful thanks, really enjoyed the cadence with which that was written. Yeah. Here's one from, now, I would say this is probably a soft J. So probably Yarny or Yarn. J-A-R-N-E.

How would you go with that, Guy? Say it again. J-A-R-N-E. Yeah, I'd say Yarny. Yarny. Yarny. Dear Timberley and Grootguy, my name is...

Oh, here we go. Well, Yarny pronounced, I guess, as Yarnar. Oh, there we go, with an emphasis on the Y. Yarnar. Yarnar. It's Yarnar. From Belgium. And yes, you say my name.

I've heard of your podcast when I was listening to my favorite podcast, Thrilling Adventure Hour, and the table reading of Grown Ups 2 Play. To this day, that episode is my comfort food. I've listened to it many more times than any other episode on any podcast. I'm sending this mail as some sort of time capsule to myself. I started listening to your podcast in 2017, but only to season two, as season one was moved at the time, and I didn't have any interest in where are your friends at the time. But now I wanted to listen back to your podcast starting again from the beginning. So I went through your whole year of Sex and the City

2 again, and am determined to continue onwards to where you guys are at now. Currently, I'm at Friendzone 22 and I'm curious in which episode you are going to read my mail and when I'm going to listen to it when I get there. I also wanted to say that last Sunday I went out to eat churros.

There's an Easter fair at the moment and when I went to get some, the episode where Guy was talking about his cyst was on. He was talking about the abscess and the pockets of pus that formed above the cyst while I was eating my delicious churros. I was imagining all that stuff. The pus squirting out.

The pockets. All while enjoying those sweet, sweet churros. I was disappointed that there was no visual stuff I could watch with my churros. What? Anyway, sending you all my love. And I'm curious to season four. I hear it's Sex and the City 1. And I want to hear what's happening with Brady the Rat King, Coffee Guy, and Steve.

Love from Belgium. Oh, wow. What a Belgium. Oh, wow. What a joy. Fucking top message. Love that email. That is a belter. I got, I got, there are a few more here, but I got one I'm going to read. And then I'm going to have to get out of here.

But it goes like this. Hey, fellas, my fiance and I said that we won't be able to make it to any of your shows stateside so we checked your donation equal to two tickets that we would have bought if we could have gone oh that's very sweet of you uh anyway in a recent episode guy recalled pooping the tub as a child my friends i too crossed this grim threshold as a young boy. Oh no. I remember looking down at what I had wrought and was old enough to realise I'd just completely played myself. I think what I remember the most vividly is the disappointed look in my mother's eye when she saw what I'd done,

when she realised that the son whose intelligence she once held in high regard was no longer sitting in bathwater, but a large toilet bowl of his own creation. Best of luck on your tour through the States. If you're having to pass through San Fran and looking for something to do, we'd love to buy you

both a meal or a drink. I no longer poop in tubs so I can guarantee a good degree of cleanliness and hygiene. Please don't say my name but feel free to make one up for me as you see fit.

And that one comes from david cronenberg it's scooter the tub pooper um i i even if we had read this at a timely manner i'm not going to trust a man who shits in a tub i'm not going to have a drink with that person you can go by yourself guy you ever drink with me all the time, Tim, and I've shat the tub. Yeah, that's true. Hey, can we round off on a long one that I'm going to read quickly from Scott?

Wish you would. To the boys. Fuck. MRI, bonsai, stir fry, necktie, firefly, Lorelei, pumpkin pie, nearby bonsai, French fry, alley, Raisin Rye, Wifi, Warcry Guy, and Tim Travel. I think that he really colors inside the lines

actually means the opposite of what you've been saying on the podcast. I think it means that he's very particular about where his cum goes. I denote the spelling in this email as R-e-a-l-l-y the synonym of very if she said he really colors inside outside the lines that would logically means that he comes all over but she said that he really comes inside the lines so it should mean the opposite of that unfortunately this raises more questions than it answers. The weird thing is that if that's the most characteristic thing about how he has sex, what does that mean?

How precise is it even possible to be? Does he frantically reach for a napkin afterwards and make sure there isn't anywhere else except for his designated target area? Does he come on a painter's palette and then make pictures on her body or on various objects in the room? He paints their pictures with his penis or with an actual paintbrush

or maybe an eyedropper. Does he make tiny drawings under a microscope using a needle or a syringe to apply and shape the cum on a canvas in order to push the limits of how precisely a human being can color does he try to recreate famous paintings using only his cum is he making the mona lisa i worry that you suffer too much for your art but i love the podcast and i'll keep listening as long as you keep making it live every love, day every moment, Scott PS, I'm only on episode

19 of this season as I'm writing this email, so I may be repeating something that's already been said on the podcast, if so I apologise for the redundancy, PPS I'm the one who sent the massive wall of text email you read a while back sorry for that, got a bit carried away, PPPPS feel free to

not read aloud all the postscripts at your discretion we're here now scott and i'm at the end of the email god bless you for that horrifying depiction of what is possible with one man's artistic integrity and his jism well i would like to say uh thank you for that disgusting correspondence um a real sort of i felt like when tim was in the raptures of reading it and i was in the raptures of listening to it i felt what it might feel like to listen to the podcast where i was like well i kind of see what you're doing and yes a little bit of me finds it funny but this is truly disgusting and unnecessary so thank you so much

to all of our friends who have listened who have written thank you to Tim thank you to whoever invented the microphone a piece of technology without which we would not be able to record ourselves.

Shout out to that person. In Edinburgh or heading along towards that direction for the Fringe, please come and check out my solo show. I was part of the problem before we were talking about it. It is at 8.55 every night. Or also come and check out Snort, a New Zealand improv show every night at

11pm. We'd love to see you. And if you're in Auckland, on a Wednesday night, come to my new comedy show. It's a line-up show every Wednesday hosted by me called Hump Comedy. It's only $10. Always good. We will see some of you folks in London, but we'll be on the airwaves before then. In the stream, you're going to be... Oh, wait.

I did this at the start, didn't I? Did you? I did. Yeah, you did. Well, it's hard to keep track of everything. But look, there's going to be some content in here. You're going to love it. I love you.

And we'll talk to you guys very soon. Good night. Well, it's the friend zone. The tier man guy come to the friend zone. And have a good time. And we'll talk to you guys very soon. Good night.