The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Eighty Three

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Spindly and Flash share some touching, hilarious and informative mail from some Friendz™. This time we got some juicy-sized (but under-producing) nuts, exasperated listeners who cannot recommend the pod to others and standby paint foremen and their son/boss.Please come to our live shows this month in NYC, Chicago, Portland and LA.Every Stupid Question can be heard here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Simone and Maddie both know heaps about their own industries, but not much else. That's why these two gals have started a podcast called Every Stupid Question, where we chat to a broad selection of genius ladies who are experts in their fields and ask them the kind of insane questions others might be embarrassed to. We bring our friendship, naive questions, and unique backgrounds, as me, a Jewish Kiwi TV writer, and Maddie, a part Chinese Kiwi fashion model and writer. Join our series of informal fireside chats with a sexual health nurse, and Maddie, a part Chinese Kiwi fashion model and writer. Join our series of informal fireside chats with a sexual health nurse, a family therapist,

a Real Housewife TV celeb, and much, much more. Every stupid question. Available wherever podcasts are found. Well, it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Come to the friend zone And have a good time Yes, it's the friend zone

With Tim and Guy I am the fuck machine. Hello and welcome to the friend zone. It feels like a less safe place than it normally is, Monty. Yeah, sorry. It feels like a less safe place than it normally is, Monty. Yeah, sorry. Your frosty fellas were having a catch-up before we started rolling, and you caught the sort of tail end of it,

the transitioning period from just the lads catching up to everyone getting together for a bit of a how are you. Locker room chat, I would describe it as. What, our chat? No, there was no locker room chat i would describe it as well our chat no there's no locker room that's uh makes it sound so much more sinister than it was you told me it wasn't sinister at all i said i know two things about guy montgomery he loves a bit of twitter action and he's good at fucking and he picked up that torch and ran with it. That's right. Welcome along, everyone. It's so nice to have you here. I had a really late night last night, Tim. Full disclosure, I was up until, we're talking 4.30 a.m., which is fun.

And now it's 10 p.m. the next night, and I feel really relaxed and lucid. I'm very tired. But I'm really happy to be here with you. How are you? That's cool, man. Who cares? What were you doing last night? Actually, I went to see a show. I was with a new friend and we went and watched a show.

And then we had a drink in the West Village. And we sort of finished up. Had a five-guy sandwich and it was sort of 10, 30, 11 and we said, sort of, see you later. Great to hang out. And then I was walking to the train station and I came across a guy

who I had not seen since the second year of my time at university in Wellington. A guy called Luke. Oh, wow. Just walking down the street. And I said, Luke? And he said, said guy i was like hey man uh and he got to new york yesterday he got there that morning and he'd just been at a show at the comedy cellar and uh we wound up catching up for six and a half hours

hours that so great to see him uh and yeah that's that's a little bit about me this bloody good times i want you to tell me your full name and the first thing you remember being afraid of timothy andrew bat and there was a door and where I, the first house I can remember is not the one where I was kind of born at. That was the OG Christchurch house. We moved when I would have been probably three, two or three, I reckon, maybe even younger. And in that house- I have all my memories from two or three, so whatever.

Not a competition, but- I don't need to brag about it, mate. If it was. There was a door that didn't open for whatever reason there's which seems weird in retrospect it was a door it didn't open and uh i i was utterly convinced there was a dragon behind it which is why it was sealed hey uh that's a that's the fanciful imagination of a young term i love love that. When I was, I actually did tweet this out recently, but when I was a boy,

I used to, full name, please. I don't understand. It was reciprocal. I was sort of in the riff, but I'm Guy Alexander, Halifax Montgomery.

And when I was a boy, I used to be convinced that if I didn't, there was a toilet right next to my Bedroom And I was convinced that when I flushed the toilet If I didn't make it to being on top of my bed Before the toilet stopped flushing That snakes would come

Bounding out of the toilet And bite my penis off Now how do these ideas get connected In the mind of a young man i don't know i just could i could just imagine snakes coming leaping out of the uh the toilet snakes not common in new zealand some would say they're not they're not at all here not unless you come around to my place i've got hundreds of illegal snakes now uh i got some correspondence here tim monty that's what we're here to do we're here to jam out and cheer ourselves up as always oh can i say this before we dive into the correspondence i have

received the headset the vr headset to engage it came this morning via courier for me to do a just a full sensory overload of nothing but the gals and uh it's pretty cool uh i i do hope that you're going to set up a camera on yourself for this that feels like the right thing to do stream it uh no i will be i will be naked not to stream but uh just to have even if it doesn't make it any further than my inbox but it would just it would just be nice to know that that was captured because i think that what you are doing is uh like memorably, stupendously ill-advised and thick. Yeah. And if you're going to do it, you might as well capture it in crisp and crunchy HD.

My wife was bemused by the idea and even more concerned than you about the temperature that the water will eventually get to. She was like, it's winter. You haven't thought this through. Water doesn't hold its heat that long. You're going gonna be in the tub for two and a half hours yeah i guess she's a smart lady you're a smart fella we need to do something to make the water retain its heat for longer we need to make the water thicker ah we need to make it more we need to

make it more viscous what happens if i put treacle in there will it mix with the water will they just be yeah i think treacle and water famously mix perfectly i think that's the only solution you need to buy several liters of treacle and mix them together uh that's a conversation for another time now will writes it's just a little tidbit really hey guys at the 43 minute 30 second mark of episode 23 tim starts doing the introduction of patty schwartz party time like a man reduced to the fetal position by trauma that's it thanks for coming back nice I love a stroll down memory lane via our listeners correspondence

it's good thank you so much Will throw another one at me guy that one was nice and crisp this is from March mid-March but this is it's correspondence from Richard it says from this week's Pop It saw this This is from March, mid-March.

But this is correspondence from Richard. It says, from this week's Pop It. Saw this. Thought of you. And it's a screenshot. It says, big questions. Who's asking what this week? According to one former conquest,

which male member of the Sex and the City cast is packing a pair of nuts the size of lemons apparently they're nowhere nowhere near as juicy though their output was next to nothing uh this is pretty gross so this is someone who's got enormous testicles but someone's aware of how much semen they're blasting out is that what i'm uh reading it correctly you're reading it pretty biologically i think this is like um in new zealand's own version of like gossip like this the celebrity news or spy or whatever it's called uh they have a segment called guess who don't sue and they'll like vaguely outline details of some minor celebrity and some you know thing that they've done which might be embarrassing and uh this is pop bitches maybe like that this is their

version of it and i guess we're meant to speculate which male sex in the city cast member has tremendous nuts uh and not a lot of jizz but that's what that's what i said yeah well yeah so i agree okay gotcha don't worry well i'm all over it you might already have the spoiler do you know who which cast member it is no i don't and uh richard who sent us the question has not uh told us so And Richard, who sent us the question, has not told us. Fantastic. Any answer is the right answer. I'm going to go with... It's got to be Steve.

What's his name? IRL? David Eichner? Or Eichner? Eichenberg. Eichenberg. E-I-G-E-N-B-E-R-G. Is he on Instagram?

You're going to take a run at this big bald bastard guy? Who do you think is packing tremendous testicles and nice big nuts? I don't know about him, but he's the guy... There was a... His name is like Alexander Petrovsky or something. His name always comes up at the start of the movie because obviously, aside from Big and Aiden,

he was one of... It always comes up. It does. It's the same movie. Yeah. But it's him. I don't know what he looks like. Oh, it is him.

That's who I think. Oh, okay. Cool, cool. So this isn't necessarily the movie this could be characters from the tv show uh i guess i mean yeah spoilers come on who are we dealing with rip the lid off i don't know i don't have the answer oh i thought it was so do they not have it on the article for fear of defamation or whatever they're just like hey guess what someone in the sex in the city universe has got massive nuts and

a small jizz amount what a weird what if what why why waste the bits and bytes online by even creating a post for that you know i uh yeah i do but you know we had a bit of fun with it we sure did we're pretty niche i think a bit is the right uh amount of fun to describe i think it was like a little bit of fun just a little bit oh my i apologize too that's okay sleepy boy what's the time dear Oh, it's the afternoon. It's 2.30 p.m. Dear Timmy B and G Unit, I'm writing this two days after the...

Oh, okay. This is pretty dark. And it's, you know, old, obviously. I'm writing this two days after the horrendous events in Christchurch. I won't try to describe my sadness because I can't. I moved to New Zealand from London a few years ago and never in a million years thought that this shit would follow me to this beautiful warm peaceful accepting generous country the day

after as the aftermath was becoming clearer and the news seemed to be getting worse i took myself away from the internet into the outdoors and plugged myself into your latest app for the best part of an hour i lost myself completely swept up in the ridiculous mythos you've created around this hot pile of shit stopping every few minutes because i couldn't walk up a steep hill um sorry messages getting in the way of this while i was laughing so much oh that's so nice for the brief chunk of time that i was listening to you too i forgot everything else and just as existed in this absurd bubble of dumb fun don't get me wrong this project is so fucking stupid i find myself trying to explain it to people who have asked me for podcast recommendations and given up almost

immediately because saying the words out loud makes me sound like i've lost my mind but just because it's stupid doesn't make it worth less for the best part of however many years probably too many by this point you've dragged me out of some pretty dark places and surely that's more worthy than some true life murder mystery podcast all i know is that when i'm down in the dumps i'd rather have prawn salad instead of cereal so yeah i guess i just wanted to remind you that when you feel like you've lost the point of why you're doing this that you're truly making the world a little lighter your podcast is silly and genuine and warm and lovely and it's all the things i love about this fucking awesome country you and it are the absolute tits four more years four more years and that's from chrissy that is so sweet thank you chrissy that is um absolutely you know that

is what we aspire to be is um some light relief and uh escapism speak for yourself oh okay i'm trying to get to the bottom of a mystery that i haven't even told you about yet i'm using this podcast as a research vehicle what's the mystery guy what are you trying to solve i can't tell you man oh okay although season one of the worst Idea of All Time was years ago, I've only started listening to it this month. And I just listened to episode 35, where you wanted to know where everyone was listening from. And this includes a selfie of a construction worker

throwing a shaka. They appear to be in maybe some sort of earth mover that's cool at the controls and it says I'm in Jervis Bay New South Wales Australia honestly ask myself why I listen to your show some days but yet I can't stop listening

and then a crying face emoji that's a good neg I think you boys could do a podcast about anything, and I'd listen. Keep up the solid work. And that's from Nathan in Jervis Bay, New South Wales, Australia.

So thank you, Nathan. That rolls. Boys, boys, boys, and big earth moving equipment. They're the strapping lads who are turning into the worst idea. It's nice to know that someone who is providing practical value to the world is out there listening as they actually physically move stuff around and use their body. Absolutely.

I don't think of us as a very practical podcast. We may have just been talking over each other, for which I apologize if that happened. The internet ain't strong enough, but Guy insists that we remain on video chat no no less you've disappeared i can't see you anymore oh have i yeah can you still see me yeah i can see you you see me now yeah yeah i love looking at you oh no it's done that hold on hold on here we go all right so we got a lovely donation come through. Oh, this, okay. This was a beautiful person called Alyssa

sent us a big stonking amount of money, which I actually passed on to a charity. So, okay, we've hit the messages around the time when there was a pretty grim event that happened in Christchurch. Alyssa said, I've listened and followed you and Guy since the beginning.

I never fathomed your country would be attacked. Please donate this as you feel as appropriate words can't ever convey my horror and guilt and sadness um that is a very sweet sentiment and you will be relieved to know alissa that we passed that on to um there was a big fund so that that money will be going directly to um the victims of that charity. Thank you so much for passing up that money. That's awesome. That is fantastic. Thank you.

I got one here that reads as follows. Hey, Timbo and Flash, boys. I'm so sorry and so grateful for your decision to return for a fourth season. I started listening last summer and I've been hooked ever since. I just wanted to pop a message to say how much I enjoy the podcast and how much I love you beautiful fellas. I'm studying a master's degree in fine art in London, so as soon as I no longer have to pay a ridiculous amount of tuition and rent, I'll happily do my duty and pay the boys.

In the meantime, all I can offer is my admiration and affection. I'm a painter, so most of my day involves me being in my studio, listening to the worst idea of all time whilst working on my artwork. So this strange thing has occurred. I can't look at some of my completed paintings without connecting them to the episodes that I happen to be listening to at the time of their making. For example, there is a pensive and overdramatic self-portrait of me sitting in my studio at the moment and all i can think about when i look at that painting is the episode in which guy talked

about his previous belief that losing your tummy is what having a vagina must feel like it's fucking disorienting but there's piss all i can do about it now also super weird coincidence a friend of mine predominantly listens to my brother my brother and me and you're my number one podcast so now once a year thanksgiving we have one single podcast in common just gotta say guy i love you man but seriously i wish i'd read the warning about your disgusting shoulders because i was eating fucking mashed potatoes when you started talking about it and it took everything I had not to bomb right there and then at the very least you've taught me a valuable life lesson read the disclaimer I don't want to take up too much of your time so I'll leave it there I'd just like to ask if you read this on the friend zone please

can you give a shout out to my two wonderful friends who introduced me to the potty alan and puppy thanks again you beautiful boys all hail brady say my name amy gillis uh so thank you so much i want to see this fine art did amy include no pictures attached to the message? No pictures attached, but I'm sure I'll respond and say, we'd love to have a link to look at some of your work. So thank you, Amy. And I hope the paintings are coming along. It's always interesting, you know, I envy people who, it's always interesting you know i i envy people who uh i live with a painter and it seems to be such a meditative thing to do like because to write things down to write jokes i find i have to concentrate quite hard occasionally i'll be in flow but to paint i feel like if you get into flow

you can sort of just your mind will think whatever like you can listen to i can't write while i listen to podcasts for example it's too much noise um but yeah amy thank you so much i loved that i'm so sorry about the mashed potato thing but i uh found it very satisfying saying the words mashed potato so there are a good couple of words to be fair mashed potato there's a lot of different noises happening in close succession. Mashed potato. Who was the fucking dude who said, like, saladore was the most beautiful two words in the English language?

That guy was wrong. Because mashed potato is bests it. Saladore. Do you know what I'm talking about? I think it was a poet. I didn't know that. There you go. I think they were just an alcoholic to be honest brody rides dearest timbo and guy guy during my second watching of the sex in the city movie for episode 26 der com der i made a discovery i'd like

your opinion on i will start by declaring my respect and adulation for the two of you. I did not get an opportunity to do my now traditional watch along immediately after episode 25 dropped and was excited to see that episode 26 was the director's commentary. What's that you say? Back-to-back viewing? Yes, please. Needless to say, I fell asleep. That isn't needless to say. You did need to tell us that. asleep. Halfway through the second viewing, I make no apologies, and I ask for no apologies. Anywho, I have a real knack for being awoken during the credits. Usually, it's the music, but in this case, I believe it was the lack of your dulcet tones which tore me away from my slumber as i gained my bearing i made an observation i'd like uh an opinion on as with any feature release there is a bevy of

roles i'm not familiar with but the role of paint foreman and standby painter caught my attention why because at first glance they appeared to be performed by the same person. Upon closer inspection, they were actually duties filled by a father and son combo. To my surprise, Mike Mikita Jr. was the paint foreman, while Mike Mikita Sr. was the standby painter. I was wondering what you believe the dynamic would be between the son who holds the more senior role and the father who is a standby. It feels like something that could potentially make for an awkward family dinner to me i know this is a well off this is

well off topic but given you've only just passed halfway i thought i'd give you what assistance i can you are good boys keep it up and say my name brodie robinson uh that's outstanding that i they sound like a couple of uh grifters to me i do you reckon that's one person with a mistake it's a father and son team and uh much like um what is it what are ab Abe Simpson and Homer Simpson sell together as Simpson and Son? Isn't it a tonic? Yeah, it's like a Viagra sort of, it's like some sort of, anyway, whatever it is. Yeah, it's a revitalizing tonic. This sounds to me like a real-world equivalent of that. A father and son who go around telling people

that they'll be the paint foreman and also the standby painter just in case anything goes wrong. And they'll say, what do you mean if anything goes wrong? And they go, well, you can never be too careful. It's a big movie. There's a lot of people counting on it.

A lot of people counting on us. And it sounds like a racket to be honest how much how much painting is involved in a feature film i really miss the idea of almost nothing does i i i'm so sad about the concept that grifters are probably dying out because of i don't know just how we live now it used to be you'd roll into town on your horse-drawn cart or you know do you know what it was they were probably living that hobo lifestyle where they were like in a train in a carriage somewhere and they had their um spindle and they rolled in and uh and they were and they were like anyone got any jobs going and they're like uh well what can you do and they said well

what do you need and they said well we need a foreman painter and you say oh boy is it your lucky day i've been doing that for nigh on 20 years and also meet my son i'll just go and get him and then he does that thing where he steps behind a sofa and it looks like he's going into the wine cellar and then he emerges back with a hat and he says why i'm the man you just met son oh i see junior he wants to get two he's collecting two paychecks as one man two paychecks guy yeah yeah it's a classy operation i love that uh so good i only noticed that a few watches ago as well brody so you actually bet me to that one and it is only by virtue of me being a late person getting to your email that uh that i that i bet you with that observation so fucking good on you but also you know if you're gonna play the game you gotta stay

awake we'll try i gotta um yeah i mean tim will say that and he's right but I empathise with what happened to you the movie is long and if you watch it twice in a row it's actually somehow twice as long Dear Tim and Guy it's been a couple of years since I last contacted you but something strange happened last week and I feel compelled to contact you again

I was walking through town listening to an episode of The Potty when I ventured into a record shop i paused the pod when i bumped into one of the guys that works there a friend of my brother's called curtis we started chatting for a bit and halfway through the conversation he said to me have you ever heard of a podcast called the worst idea of all time i was pretty shocked to me this was quite a coincidence i held up my phone to show adam sandler's distorted face on the pause screen that's so weird what made you ask me that i asked not only was it a huge coincidence that i actually had heard of the podcast but that i had literally

just paused it there's no way he could have known this information also never spoken to anyone who independently listened to the pod who i hadn't myself recommended that last sentence sounded like a backhanded compliment i apologize he replied i asked because your sense of humor is exactly like guy montgomery's i wasn't sure how to feel about this offended happy you're right to question it was this a compliment or an insult i always thought i had a pretty unique sense of humor but apparently not i was listening to so much of your content naturally going to row off a bit anyway i told him that yes i was a huge fan and had even been read out on the friend zone once during season three i told him that my message was half read

out before guy went on off on a riff and ended up fabricating a whole section of my message classic Guy Guy you can't get to the end of this message they got a good sentence and they go classic Guy or is that classic me PS all the films from seasons 1 to 4 are currently on Netflix over here in the UK

coincidence? I think not but we are your friends on the other day and after 10 minutes my wife said P.S. All the films from seasons one to four are currently on Netflix over here in the UK. Coincidence? I think not. I put We Are Your Friends on the other day and after 10 minutes, my wife said, turn this shit off. I told her, I told her no. I have to watch this out of solidarity

to the boys. She said, turn it off. I want to talk to you about something. And I said, I'm going to watch my movie. We'll talk later anyway now we're getting divorced harry from brighton oh my god the events are not funny but the manner in which you have told them are exceptionally hilarious oh man that's right for stand-up That is I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce But I'm so joyed to hear about how you presented that tale to us

You got that real storytelling spirit Fuck man, that sucks Well, I'm going to be honest with you Tim Part of that message was fabricated by me Ah, guy You've done it again good on you i'm so sorry to hear about the divorce uh but wait a minute what bit did you fabricate how deep in the site i don't know where the live where the lie ends and the email

begins you've obscured you're gaslighting me and and every one of our libertarian listener uh well that was that's great um tim i got time for you to read one more but i understand that uh there's a there's a delicious meal on a table outside for me that fucking rules isn't it like 10 p.m where you are 10 44 p.m it's a late dinner on a sunday love that well um hell of a coinkydink and just to clear any ambiguity up it is absolutely an insult that your comedy is similar to guy montgomery katherine writes hi tim and guy after listening to your two parts sex in the city director's commentary i decided that it was finally time to send you to some much needed love you're really putting in the hard it's uh that's so sweet i can't imagine what listening to that fucking must have been like

you're doing to be honest if you if anyone listened to the entirety of the uh director's commentary in this season you're doing the work we're turning up but you're doing the yards so i'm a legit sex in the city fan i've watched the series over and over again and love it in 2016 i lost my father very suddenly and i spent weeks in shock and months in deep grief as a result. I had a really hard time falling asleep at night, so I decided to start re-watching the series. Every night before I went to bed, I would watch one or two episodes because the show brings such a comfort to me. Once I finished the series, I watched the movies, and I must have gotten bored during the second movie because I popped on IMDb and looked up some trivia on the movie,

and perhaps to make the movie seem more interesting. And that's when I read about your podcast and that you were still working your way through season two. I immediately started listening and was hooked. You two have such a great chemistry and your humor is everything I needed. Suddenly I was laughing and smiling again. I look forward to a new episode every week

because I knew I would have a moment of distraction and happiness listening to you two. This is fucking, I'm only like halfway done this is very touching um uh since then i've had two babies in two years and it's safe to say my life has become absolutely nuts but the podcast has been with me every step of the way whether i was going for a walk desperately hoping to go into labor or driving in the car for an hour because the baby finally fell asleep or getting some time to myself to go work out you guys have been there so thank you so much for what you are doing your dedication and misery has truly made me so happy if you're still watching sex in the city when you read this have you noticed that carrie wears a black spiked belt in like six

different scenes i noticed it once and now that's all i can focus on when i watch it all i can focus on when i watch it is how much she wears the damn belt i think it bothers me because it seems so out of character for her to wear something so noticeable over and over for the record i'm not fancy and wear the same leggings and sweater every day of my life sending love from canada katherine well katherine that is a beautiful message. I'm so glad to hear that we've been good company and congratulations on your successes. Yeah, man, starting a family is a success.

That's awesome. What a thing. Beautiful, isn't it? Bringing life into the world. A human life well two yeah yeah yeah

two I get it you are so tight you are like falling asleep in front of my very eyes nah I'm good man thank you so much to everyone

we're slowly catching up to real time so please if you've got something to say if you've got a quibble even, bring it to the friend zone. We'll sort it out. And as always, if... You go ahead, Tim.

Well, I was just going to say, I cannot stress enough how much we're going to be coming to America to do some live shows. And as it stands right now, I've got two hands up in front of you in honesty. Ticket sales, you know, they could be better. They could be better than what they are.

Please go to, if you're in New York City or Chicago or Portland, Oregon or Los Angeles, go to littleempirepodcast.com slash live. I forgot the website. No, you're right mate.

My exhausted energy is infectious we can't wait to see you there we can't wait to see you even sooner when we uh reunite to watch sex in the city tim from a sensory deprivation tank that he's built of his own steam and me just regular old me.