The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Forty One

Episode Date: April 5, 2017

Why do we need to keep discussing the nature of time? Because people keep writing us letters about it, that's why. A poem emerges to defend/make good from a prior poem which Timbly did not take kindly to. A Wellington man comes out of the shadows to announce he has lapped the boys and a discussion on a season two supercut is contained within. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Twitter at Little Empire Pod. Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Talking into microphones which are on. Usually we can hear our own voices in the headphones. Can you hear yours? No, I haven't got to say anything yet. And now I'm talking, I can't hear a thing.

This has no impact on your ability to listen to the friend zone though. So fret not. You wear the headphones so we don't have to. That's how it works. I was just telling Tim about my Uber ride last night. Not a particularly interesting story, but certainly... You started telling me about it. Yeah.

Tell me more. We're fine, thank you. No thanks. Please, I have so much water. Please, can I give you some water? The timing is impeccable. It seems like every time you're here, I'm getting a knock on the door asking if I need some water. The service at this hotel is incredible um yeah incredible is the right word because it

it sort of isn't necessarily positive or negative it's just quite unbelievable remarkable yeah uh russian uber driver called degustation alex that was his uber name what a name and he just made me supremely uncomfortable the whole time like I got in and he sort of looked at me and didn't say anything and I said for guy and then he just like with an attitude turned his face towards the street and started driving and then I uh I was chewing a piece of gum which I was enjoying were you wearing your hemp hat at the time that you're currently adorning no I was not wearing a hemp hat I was chewing a piece of gum, which I was enjoying. Were you wearing your hemp hat at the time that you're currently adorning? No, I was not wearing a hemp hat. I was wearing that lovely peach cap you got me from Japan, actually. Oh, very nice.

Yeah, which sort of softens any interaction, you would think. Anyway, and then I had a... It's a great hat. A bottled water I opened and started drinking, and he, like, slowed the car down and was like, is that water and i was like yes and then he looked at the bottle real intensely you can't see this podcast listeners but guy has a very concerned look on his face mimicking the look of the uh russian

uber driver yeah and i was just like what the hell and then the only thing they're going for was he had a really great uh radio station playing it was playing uh some black star and tribe called quest and i was like well you know what i've never really given out anything less than five stars uh and it's very tempting to in this instance but because of the music that you're playing is what i thought in my head i'll give you the benefit of the doubt and And then literally as soon as I finished having that thought, he just obviously wasn't enjoying the music and turned the radio off. So the last five minutes was just in silence. Mate, you are absolutely off your rocker.

Here's my question, though. We keep whipping out these two and three and sometimes even one star ratings as if it does anything. Is it determining at all who we're getting on the machine i don't think so because it seems like a false sense of power that uber's giving us because we can plug away given our little one star reviews but ultimately you're just going to get the driver that's closest anyway right yeah but i just i don't understand like the the way the ecosystem works is he knows he's being rated on every customer service experience i almost respect

the brazen lack of fucks um anyway he got me home and now i'm here with you god bless him god bless him should we dive into that mailbag of ours and um i i'm gonna put this on now even though it was an idea that i wanted to do on the next episode, but I reckon I'll forget to do it. You ever have one of those where you're like, fuck, that'll be good, but I bet I'll forget it, so I'll just do it now. It won't be as potent, but at least I've remembered. This episode of the Friend Zone is brought to you by you motherfuckers. You have been sponsoring our assholes for the whole time.

Brands come and go company's great who doesn't love a company from hither and thither but you guys are the real mvps you've been donating to us on paypal you've been supporting us on patreon we haven't always done the best job of servicing those channels you know what i mean like thing you got to know about old timbo and guy guy we try but we don't always succeed we yeah well but we do write a lot of checks sometimes our ass can't cash them on time and i feel terrible about that particularly with some of the patreon things when they're late it's a bad thing but what i want to convey to you guys is we are ever so grateful for all the support that you give us um whether it's tweets or just telling a mate the show exists or floating us money is fucking sensational yeah and we'll get

it all back to you guys don't worry we're good for it you know where we live but it genuinely does help us live yeah and keep doing like fun comedy things and things. And I wouldn't have been able to do the podcast network without all the help that you guys have given us on Worst Idea to start other shows and try and get other people involved. It's true. You've built something from nothing, from an idea. Because of these people who are listening to the friend zone,

who chip in. It is honestly, it is off their backs. But earnestness has never been a cornerstone of this show increasingly uncomfortable let's dive into the mailbag shall we um this one comes to us from the hey united states of america ever heard of it no i have not all right well this guy's name's context first? So it's a country with 320 million people. Gee whiz! And that's just slipped under my radar.

It's located just under Canada, so easy to miss. Very familiar with Canada. Love it. Huge fan. Everyone pays massive attention to Canada, but little do people know there's a nation under it, but above Mexico. Well, this is all news to me.

So I hope everything's going okay wherever you are and oh it isn't though I've got other things to tell you about America things aren't going so great right now I don't have any you know context or care for this country so please just start the letter Simon writes well Simon actually sent us 20 US dollars which is is that a good amount there's a huge amount oh Simon it's massive um to marvel's Splyman and dc's the flash just got to la on a brief stateside oh on a brief trip stateside catching up on listening to your good selves as i go been meaning to flip you guys a cheeky paypal to hashtag pay the boys and thank you for the many hours of good times being and that's the end of the message. Really? The last word is being. It's obviously cut him off.

I like that. There's being without any punctuation. Do you want to try and complete it on Ben's behalf? No, I couldn't. Simon? I don't even know that this country existed. It would be very rude of me to speculate as to what sort of opinions they might have. Simon Briggs is his name.

He hasn't told me to not say it. I think it's just a nice, big, broad, philosophical offering. It's like, here's a message, here's some money. Being. I'll leave you with that. I wish it had a full stop, though, because that's how I would take it if it did. But it doesn't. No, well, then it's like being.

It's the end of your being. But being is like being open. Hey, I got one addressed directly to you, Tim. Oh, okay. Dear Tim. Dear person writing. Hey I got one Addressed Directly to you Tim Ah Okay Dear Tim Dear person writing I am writing to apologise For my poem

That was read out On friendzone40 Regarding your use Of the word etymology The intended brunt Of my joke Was me and my angry Poorly written poetry

But combined with The venom provided By guys considerably Cold reading talents I can see how my words really spindled your wimbles i understand that it was not in keeping with the spirit of the friend zone a place where boys of all colors and creeds come to exchange love and all pronounces of etymology are welcome as an act of contrition i've written the following poem

open princess to be read with barely contained affection the word tim rolled around the mouth like a delicious lolly ah that, that is a good note. There is a young man named Tim who's always so handsome and slim. Through his weekly strife, he brings joy to my life and I want him to know I love him. I hope this dispels the negativity I brought to the friend zone and reflects the respect and gratitude I have

for the work of my favourite Antipodean fuckboys. Yours always, Tom. P.S. I took both Tim's explicit advice to find some happiness in my life and his implicit advice to go fuck myself to varying degrees of success tom you fucking beauty you absolute legend that's such a lovely verse that you've penned there that i i genuinely want to get that printed out in one of those cursive typefaces and put it on the wall in the studio. Oh my goodness. It's so nice. And can I just say, you didn't quite phrase it like this, but apology accepted. And we're definitely boys now, you and me, Tom. Maybe we both said some things that we wish we could either tone down or take

back a little bit. But I think we can both agree that it's mainly guy's fault no no no i think not i think it started because you didn't know the word etymology uh yeah quite right but then you you put a real spin on this young man's critique of me and it came down hard on me no listen i'll read you the instruction for reading the poem last time. Oh, okay. To be read with barely contained anger, the word Tim spat out like a sour grape. I love that he's updated the notes on how to say my name. The guy's a talent. Yeah, he's got a real future, yeah. He's got a bright future. There's good money in poetry.

Is there? Oh, heaps of it. Here's a very long letter by the looks of it. It's from Joseph Guy, and it says, Greetings to the little emperor Spindly Timbly Wimbly and Flash Guidon. You may say my name. I have sent this as an email as well as a PayPal to make sure it gets read out. Apologies for the wall of text, but I wanted to put all my thoughts on the potty in one message.

I've been listening to your esteemed podcast since July of 2016 and decided it was finally time to pay the boys. Boys is spelled the flotation way. Oh, wow. Nice. Not our way. This podcast was a shining light in the Brexit shit-induced nightmare of 2016. I discovered it through good old Reddit and had listened since I had found one watch of Grown Ups 1 at a real struggle.

Jesus, just like I am finding reading, apparently, this morning. You can do it. Maximum respect to you two for your dedication to a seemingly fruitless endeavor. Well, for your efforts and many hours of causing me to hold back laughter in public, I wanted to give you 4.2% of a Patrick King and cold hard moolah. Given the state of my native economy, it's probably worth $420 sheep dollars. I don't know. Anyhow, maybe it can go towards a jacuzzi.

Love you guys and the show. My advice would be when the worst idea is over, keep podcasting. You guys are hilarious and have amazing chemistry, similar to that of two Aussies on a movie podcast called The Weekly Planet. Do you reckon this is a Trojan horse? I feel like it might be. But judging by the weariness of Carrie and the gals before trawling through We Are Your Friends, you need to start doing something less draining than reviewing the same movie 52 times.

Maybe a lot of people want a fourth season of your podcast, but if your heart's ain't in it, I think you deserve to decide how to spend your time. Making sure to love every moment and live every day you should probably consult mr big's big book of ideas for inspiration but now for the real reason for my email it's always puzzled me how time is passing faster for you than for me when i first started listening you were talking as if it was 2014 well that can't be right i thought checking my phone it was definitely 2016 so i thought your perception of time just had to be frazzled by your overexposure to the Sandliverse. By now, in April 2017, you are just celebrating Christmas

2016. So it seems like time is definitely moving faster for you than me. Is this a New Zealand thing? Perhaps one of us has been on a PCP bender for the last few months and this is one of the machinations of Dickbot. Right now there can beot. Right now, there are 14 episodes before we should be on the exact same time plane, but this will mean that later episodes you will be checking in from my future. In the future, does the friend zone still exist? If you read my message on there, will it be February 2017? Nope. Will Guy and Tim be reading Present Me's Message to a Future Me?

And how do you find the time to watch all these awful movies alongside your other jobs with time moving so fast? Any clarification would be much appreciated. If you are, in fact, time-travelling Kiwi podcasters, then may I recommend a movie called Predestination starring Ethan Hawke? A real mind-bender. Time to get sentimental. Without James Reid, you are good boys. And I wish you all the best in your time-travelling adventures in the land of podcasting.

Isn't it amazing how through the medium of the internet, empathy and affection can transcend space and time? All hail Brady the Rat King. Maximum Joseph Lowry. The O-W is pronounced like... Wow, this has gone on way too long. We need to put a pin in this pronto. From Birmingham, UK.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed it. And your fundamental misunderstanding of the linear nature of time and podcast release schedules. My man. When you watch a movie that is set in the year 1984 Do you believe that the movie Is playing out in real time Or are you aware

That that movie was made A long time ago That's my question to you To me or to Joseph I don't know Open to the room Well you're the only one Who's here

But it was mostly for Joseph Yeah okay I'm going to pass you The email mail bag You've done it Oh my goodness Have a read of that Wrap your laughing gear around that one

Guy Montgomery Hey there Oh this is big Hey there Alexander Hamill Tim Yeah Alexander Hamill Tim And Guy And Guy Williams

Nice Good burn In dedication to you two fuckboys Last year as you announced this year would be your final season I decided I'd try to do it with you Williams. Nice. Good burn. In dedication to you two fuck boys, last year as you announced this year would be your final season, I decided I'd try to do it with you. Truly feel how you have felt. And by gum, just moments ago, I've done it.

Where are your friends? 52 times. I'm sorry. But as you would notice. I'm sorry, wait. Less than 52 weeks. What was that? He's watched it 52 times this motherfucker's leapt us oh my god i did watch it in a couple of weeks to try and get it over before university started but for the majority once a week and it was horrible holy shit boy i

implemented your rule of no phones but after a point that is genuine torture you guys doing that makes you heroes among men, because goddamn, is this movie fucking boring. Even though the majority of the first half of the film sets up a story that could be interesting, the second the halfway mark hits, the film rolls to a fucking standstill. Yes, bro. And the last 40 minutes feel like a painful two-hour crawl. Nothing happens. I think my biggest issue with it is that the love story is not set up at all. We're led to believe these two fell in love with each other after spending a car ride together talking at

the dj booth of a party for five minutes while cole explains music creating bullshit creating some track together when she where she sings nonsense lyrics and then at a party where cole punches some guy over i'm calling bullshit page and johnny depp would have had a more convincing love story my highlights every week would definitely be the where's my 500 bro and the chick at the looking pool party who decides to share her fun fact about sushi. The way she says fun fact and taps her foot in Hillary Clinton look alike feels so strange to me. This guy

has, he's not making it up folks. He has seen the movie 52 times. It's also strange to me that James Reed gets more angry that people are fighting in his pool than when he finds out Cole is fucking Sophie. He goes mental at the party so he knows he's capable anger, but that's the only point in the film we see it. Poor writing, terrible pacing. For the most part, the visuals look good.

Apart from the cringeworthy sudden close-up of Cole getting ready to play Summerfest. Just a mess of a film, but I have to admit, the first couple of viewings were enjoyable enough. I think the most positive thing I've got now of this now is now I can sit through the movie. I think the most positive thing I've gotten out of this is now I can sit through movies I wouldn't usually watch because I think that if I can watch We Are Your Friends 52 times,

why can't I sit through one viewing of something? That's probably the only positive thing out of this. And I would argue that's probably not even a positive thing. Unless you include the fact

that now I have a story to tell and if I ever have to play two truths, one lie again, I'll hopefully win. I'm not sure if those things are worth the hours put into it, but why fucking not? Keep on fighting through, you're good boys, and you're capable boys,

which is a very flat compliment, which I love. I like it. I like that adjective. I'll try to make it to both of your live shows when you hit Wellington in the not-too-distant future, and I would be honoured to have you sign my Blu-ray copy of the film, which I gained from the warehouse for a measly five dollars which in turn I donate

you that monthly through the patreon to clear my conscious conscience or whichever one I first can let out your anger and snap the disc it's not like I'm rearing to go watch it again keep

up the great content continue to live every moment and love every day all hail dick bot dick bot fan yeah and make sure the party never looks a little stiff say my name if you'd like but don't Keep up the great content. Continue to live every moment and love every day. All hail Dickbot. Oh, a Dickbot fan. Yeah. And make sure the party never looks a little stiff. Say my name if you'd like, but don't bro me if you don't know me.

Kyle Smith, bro optional. Kyle Smith. And can I just take this opportunity to say, bro, that is so intense. Yeah, that's crazy, man. Good on you. And I don't think this guy's bluffing either. There were just enough references in there to convince me. Also, it was so much more coherent and cohesive than our reviews of the film.

And I think that's what was really telling for me, is he didn't have an outlet for the immediate outpouring of confused grief. So he's obviously just let the thoughts build and build and build on top of each other across the 52 viewings and has actually like presented a very coherent analysis of the film something that we have failed to do well yeah in any meaningful way he's not wrong about the pacing that is you know if we take the totality of our almost 40 views of the of the picture now that's probably the biggest like most crystal point to me it's

just it's like cool we got a movie we got some dudes we got a bit of music pumping along we got some setup and then nah fuck everyone yeah grinds to a goddamn halt done it just well um what's his name again kyle fuck you're the man i don't know what else I can tell you, but we'll see. Oh, yeah, that was going to be my question to you, actually, Guy. Are we both in Wellington at the same time? We're not doing a live show. It's not on the books, is it? Do you want to check right now?

I can do it. I can check right now. Okay. Okay, everyone. Can you please hold while Guy Montgomery and I in real time see if we can put in a live episode to the nation's capital of our native new zealand god knows they deserve it um my shows are on from the 9th to the 13th of may in wellington very impressive my shows are on from you assured me you could talk and read second to the 6th of may second so if i get there on the second oh wait no that doesn't work

at all in auckland when i'm in wellington bloody hell we'll have to go after the comedy festival won't we another liter i say where are they all um here's one fan mail for the friend zone is the subject line it's from april you ready yeah greeting gents you can say my name should this be read on here i had the pleasure of meeting you after the San Francisco show, a lovely evening that I treated my colleague Laura to as well. I live in Oakland, the Auckland of California, no doubt. But my hometown is Astoria, Oregon, a rather random filming location for children's films from the 80s and 90s,

including two films and franchises that Tim has recently cited, Short Circuit and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, it's Tim here. I just want to pause and say, Short Circuit, no shit. That was like the OG worst idea style movie for me. Because you know how you got a movie that you watch when you're a kid just over and over again? What was yours? I couldn't tell you.

I don't even know if you would have had one. You were out there playing sports. I was watching Short Circuit. I couldn't possibly reveal it to you. It was a home video of your parents' wedding, the only copy that they have. It is bizarre. I still have it.

It's also home of the Goonies, a work which I've come to realize was seminal to many kids' upbringings, not unlike the Amanda Bynes show for Guy Guy. Do you want... Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda Show. It's great that you brought up the Amanda Bynes Show. Fantastic show. I hope, Amanda, you're doing well.

Do you know if a volume two of The Worst Idea of All Time Experience will ever be produced? What was that? Was that our script read? Is that what we called it? I don't know. The email goes on. I've played the first volume many times.

Five US dollars. Oh, right. Five US dollars well spent and gladly would pay for another. In the meantime, I'm a Patreon supporter and accept your terms that confirm I have your undying gratitude. And such gratitude expires upon your death. If anyone's giving us at least a dollar, those are the terms. You have our undying gratitude asterix will expire upon our death yeah uh your friend and fan april uh mara lee

what we figured it sounded like you figured out oh yeah it was it yeah it was um the cut up that brett did for us oh yeah the supercut so um a lovely generous gorgeous man called brett who lives in california who facilitated us first going over to la yeah when we were doing season one of the podcast for the season finale he took all the episodes of season one treached through it and cut up this like album for us it was like a three hour supercut that's right and it just kind of takes you along the journey it's three hours long and we sold it for five bucks and it's still there you can still get it from worst idea of all time.com and um it's a bloody good question there isn't one for season two but i think brett didn't come along the journey all the way to abu dhabi

he didn't make it oh that's for brett's got so much on his plate it blew my fucking mind that he went to the trouble of doing it because he said that he was going to try and I was like oh yeah that's all good give it a crack he didn't make it back from Abu Dhabi uh and he's still there yeah fighting dick bot yeah so bravely I don't know that that I mean if there's any audiophiles out there who are busting to cut one up knock yourselves out we'll we'll we'll cut you in on the sales of them. On the back end. It was quite a process. There was a lot of back and forth.

If anyone does have a lot of spare time and they want to tackle it, maybe get in touch. I can probably give you access to the files or something. I don't know. I don't know. Food for thought. Food for thought. I'm glad to be reminded of that, though,

because I would quite like to... Have a Traipse through? Yeah, I'd probably listen to a three-hour supercar. Fuck, I'd have a listen to that, eh? I haven't revisited any of season one for ages. That's the reason we're still talking is season one. Should we get a few beers and just get a spa bath? Sit here and listen to ourselves?

Get a spa bath and listen to season one. God, the hubris. I don't know if I've read this. I have read that one. Yeah, we got through so many last time that we're going thin on this one, which is all good. It's okay. In this brief moment of downtime, may I say this? Yes. We are doing a live show this Sunday, the 9th of April here in Melbourne. In this brief moment of downtime May I say this? Yes

We are doing a live show this Sunday the 9th of April Here in Melbourne Tickets are flying out the door Which is deeply satisfying Yeah We're really looking forward to seeing all of you It is going to sell out Without question really

So get there It's called the worst boner of all time If you want to look for the event on Facebook Or you can just head along to the worst boner of all time if you want to look for the event on facebook or you can just head along the worst of all time uh website or do you know you know where's a better place to go is actually um little empire podcast singular.com not the word singular slash live yeah and uh it's at 4 30 sunday the 9th of April. Please come along because it's going to be a doozy. We've got Rose and Alice from Bodies of the Heart joining us as special guests.

And I've brought some very limited... Limited run merch. Limited run merch. Like, I don't have a heap, but I've just got some stuff if you do want to buy anything. And we've brought some posters over that we all happily sign and stuff. Very happily.

So happily. Not even begrudgingly stuff. Very happily. Very, so happily. Not even begrudgingly. I brought pens. That is pretty hardcore. I like that. By the same token, let's just shill for 60 seconds. Let's get our shill on. Right now, folks, this isn't part of the time.

Guy and I are in a time of our lives, it's part of the year, and i are in a time of our lives as part of the year which is comedy festival season what happens is all at once you've got the melbourne comedy festival first then the new zealand comedy festival then the sydney comedy festival um guy even dipped his toes in a little early and as you well know was touring around brizzy and perth and wonderful places like that but so right now we're in Melbourne. We've both got shows on. Oh, timer starts now. Timbat.co.nz.

You can get tickets for my one. It's called Ladies and Gentlemen. It's only $12. Gaimoncomedy.com. You can get along to my show. It's called Let's All Get in a Room Together. And I'm doing it for the whole run here in Melbourne. If you're in Melbourne, I'd love to see you there.

I'm doing it for the whole run here in Melbourne. If you're in Melbourne, I'd love to see you there. The other thing is I'm also doing a late-night improvised talk show with Carlo Ricci, who I have a silly podcast with called Hosting. It's also on the Little Empire site. It's an old-timey, late-night-style talk show where we have special guests from around the festival who come on as famous characters, but they're not actual famous people. They're like in the world of the show they're famous it's a goof you guys yeah

it's a big old comedy and it is a lot of fun carlo is uh one of the best improvisers i've ever seen and it's always a joy talking to him uh that's on the same sunday the 9th of april in the same building as the podcast at the european beer cafe and that's at 10 p.m. We're doing another one on the 16th of April. Wait a minute. Is that the same day, did you say? Yeah, same day as the podcast. At 10 p.m. I'm going to come to that.

Yeah, sick. I'll get in an Uber after my show and come on over. Dude, do it. That's what I'm going to do. Mean. I'm going to run from my show. My show finishes at 9.45 p.m. that night. Jesus Christ, boy.

I love it. I flight. Do you want to know what I do on that Sunday. I'm getting back from New Zealand. I'm coming straight to watch you. Yeah, because you're going back to New Zealand for like two days to do a bit of work over there and then come back to Melbourne. Sorry, get off the plane.

I come straight to you to watch We Are Your Friends, record the podcast, run across town to do my show, and then run back across town to do the other show. And then I collapse in a heap my boy this is how guy montgomery does it that's why my voice sounds like it does um guys that's that's gonna do it for today we're also we're both gonna be in sydney i'm not sure if i've sold a single goddamn ticket for that so if you know anyone in sydney please tell them to go to timbat.co.nz or and guymontcomedy.com and you can get tickets

for both the shows there we are doing a live um podcast episode there as well so please grab tickets for that if you're in sydney you'll know people who are um yeah i don't know how to get into the ticket i'm actually too scared to look at ticket sales for sydney so far away you'll be fine terrifying prospect it is far away people you'll be fine. Terrifying prospect. People love Tim Batt. You know who Tim Batt loves? Guy Montgomery. Oh no. Now I've got to say it. I love Guy Montgomery too. Bye everybody.

Making friends is the best idea of all time Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're thirsty for another, why not try Boners of the Heart? Boners of the Heart Basically on this podcast we speak on all things about, you know, celebrities. People in the in the in the atmosphere and in the ether that uh we would like to have sex with and i mean not sex with you know what make love or be in love with or go on a date or kiss for a bit yeah i mean it's not just sex

it's not just sex maybe sex but no kissing or maybe kissing but no sex maybe sex but no kissing. Or maybe kissing but no sex. Maybe. Sex but no kissing. Maybe only butt stuff. Pretty woman. Yeah. Oh, just butt stuff. Yeah. Maybe only, maybe only foot stuff.