The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Forty Six

Episode Date: May 26, 2017

The Friendzone is in a backroom at the tremendous Enmore Theatre in Sydney this week as The Flash tries dominate wee Timbo. The pair are talking deers, cold pools and most importantly LETTERS AND STUFF! Fan mail! Messages of support. Offers of big cinemas for one off events.Trailer: Boners of The Heart Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Instagram at littleempirepodcasts. Well it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy because making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the friend zone with Tim and Guy in a single room together. That's right and sitting uncomfortably close. We are sharing a microphone this week so my legs are splayed either side of Tim. He's nestled gently in the crook of my groin. This is fucked up. I don't like you sitting like this. It's very aggressive and it's upsetting me. It's quite

a dominant position. Yeah are you all right if maybe you don't sit like that? And I feel like I'm just automatically from my body language I'm very subjugated very alpha and beta here yeah very submissive can you just like sit like a normal person not like the cool teacher on your high school he flips the chair back to front and just impresses the kids with his stories about yeah amazing actually how how that uh seating technique changes when you face the right way on the chair and you have your legs splayed either side. It suddenly becomes quite, like, aggressive. Yeah, it does.

It's a sex thing. Instead of cool and casual. Welcome along to the friend zone, where Tim and I are friends. Oh, shit, sorry. Did I just crush your hands? Almost. I'm so sorry.

No, that's okay. Jeez, that was a total accident, because I don't do that on purpose. What a day of friendship we've had today, guys. Well, and what are, like, 36 hours okay. Jeez, that was a total accident because I don't do that on purpose. What a day of friendship we've had today, Guy, as well. And what are like 36 hours, 48 hours, whatever, 54 hours of friendship that we've engaged in? That's true. We've actually almost had quite a nice little trip together in Sydney. We're staying apart.

We're doing separate things, but we're spending a lot of time at each other's company and most of it socially. It's so lovely. It's such a refreshing change of pace. And it's very satisfying to know that that will also satisfy our audience they love that i imagine or maybe you don't like that maybe you only listen because you like tension it's hard to know um that's probably at least a few people listening because the whole format of our podcast is us putting ourselves in a bit of duress yeah and hey we bought spinners everyone yeah we bought what are they called? Fidget. Fidget spinners. We bought fidget spinners, and I've got to tell you,

they have been an absolute game changer. I was ball-splittingly hungover this morning. I thought there was nothing that could drag me out of the muck and the mire. We ate the most delicious meal for breakfast. Oh, so good. What do you call that thing? It's called a bibimbap. It's a Korean meal.

It had shiitake mushrooms, I think. And it had like wild rice. It's a Korean dish. And it's got an egg on top and you put chili sauce on it. And it is so yum and nourishing. Oh, it's so nourishing. It's like having a small deer rub up on your leg. It felt like getting into a pool, you know?

A pool of cold water. Oh, interesting. Well, not cold. I don't think a cold water pool is nourishing at all. No, I do. I think, you know, like if you're really hungover and you just make yourself cold. That's refreshing, not nourishing. Nourishing is like if you're hungover and a baby deer comes in and just starts nuzzling you.

Really hammering this baby deer. I don't know if either of us have picked particularly good analogies for this so we met up with our friend of the podcast jen fricker and we went to a market and we all bought fidget spinners and then we literally spent three hours sitting in the park playing with our fidget spinners while we made a fidget spinning playlist on spotify it was so nice to not do work for three hours yeah it was naughty sunshine in a park it good. So everybody, this isn't work though. This is fun. This is a zone to hang out with friends and mates.

And the only work component of it is making sure that I've got enough microphones to service the podcast, which I have failed to do. So none of it's work this time. No, but it's good because we're getting up real nice and close. If you imagine that you are me, and if you imagine I'm a baby deer, and I'm just nuzzling into you, it's quite a nourishing experience really, isn it not how i would describe it but sure i want to read you a message guy that someone sent to us the person's name is charlie and they say hello timbo and guy a real piece of shit montgomery i'm a huge fan of the podcast thank you for providing me entertainment

and sanity on my commute to and from work i started listening to season one and as the seasons continued they began to weirdly follow parts of my life. My whole family is from Marblehead, and some live on the same block as that house. I remember being there this summer, Adam Sandler filmed Grown Ups 2, and thinking, what a dried up throwaway movie. I don't think that will realistically ever enter my life.

Oh, okay, sorry, that was part of the first thought. Little did I know that I'd be hanging on the edge of my seat to hear about that exact horrible movie for 52 weeks. Once Patty Schwartz entered my life, it became even stranger as I work at Blaze Pizza as a pizza smith in Philly where I go to college. If you guys ever need a place to stay in Marblehead or a few free Blaze pizzas, feel free to give me a shout. Don't read their name. Best, Charlie. Charlie from Philly.

Yeah, well, Charlie, this is a lovely message. I've always wanted to go to Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love. Yeah, and the city where Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens almost took the Philadelphia Eagles all the way to the top. But they were toppled at the last turn by the dastardly New England Patriots, captained and led by quarterback Tom Brady. I've got a message here.

Hold on. Let's swim in this Charlie message for a second. Because I don't have a lot of emails that new emails in the inbox today guy oh i want to say charlie thank you so much for the offer and that is sensational that you work at blaze pizza you can imagine as all of these details sort of started marrying in real life and that that's crap that is pretty crazy stuff yeah i'd be freaked out if i was listening to a podcast and certain stuff started happening. Especially if it was my brother, my brother and me.

They bring up, they float a lot of ideas. Can you hear that? That's the spinner. That's the spinner. It sounded like a little quiet fart. Yeah. But it wasn't. Spinner fart.

There was a lovely message. And you know what? If I'm in Philly, dude, I'm straight up going to hit you up, my boy. I've got one here, Tim. And stop me if we've heard this before, because this is the only one I'm not sure about. Hi, guys. I've heard it. Ha ha!

Gotcha. Common intro. Every now and then, I hook up the Walkout Boys with tickets and junk food for their podcast. Mmm. This legend. Listening to one of your podcasts from a while back saying that the nearest thing you've had to a cinematic experience

was the projector in Tim's room anyhow I can still have a copy of the film on at the movie theatre I run for a midnight screening if you're looking to stir things up free of charge obviously

support the cause big fan all that let me know if you're interested and you'll be welcome to bring your mates along for a screening just a heads up

don't say this guy's name I won't say his name I won't I mean we've got very little intel on the message but that's great I think we should take that offer't say this guy's name i don't i won't say his name i won't uh so i mean we've got very little intel on the message but that's great i think we should take that offer up yeah this guy is an off the record legend who i've teed some stuff up with but due to the business nature of what's going on i'm not allowed to talk about him where he is or what company he works for but he is a tremendous gentleman we're jeopardising a lot of people's livelihood with this fanzine so far.

Dude, that would be such hot shit. We don't do big events in our hometown of Auckland, but what a nice thing it would be in the dying days of this podcast to tee up something a little bit special. We would love hometown fans. We would love to. Assuming that you even work in Auckland. I mean, we might have to fly to you anywhere in the world.

Yeah, okay. We'll go with that. I've got a message here. And in fact, there's a donation attached to it. It's from Robert. I'm feeling good about it. 12 US dollars headed our way, mate. Great amount.

How does that make you feel? It's the perfect amount. It does. Yeah. Does dollars. We can buy one $1 beer. Hey, fellas. And then 11 more.

Been a fan of your work since early in the first season. Never really donated to anything online before, but I do know that you, Pierre, deserve a couple of beers on me for all the laughs over the years. Cheers, Rob. Perfect. Thank you, Rob. Concise, crisp, a delicious amount of money,

and a stated intention for what the money should be spent on. It's good we're on the same page. I'd already said that before I even knew that that's what he was donating for. Hey, quick question, Guy. In the last Friend Zone, we brought up the fact that we're going to be donating all of the money for one month. When do we, should it, do you think it should be like from the 1st of June? So maybe we sort out what charity we're going to do

and we spend the next week doing that. So we enter June knowing full well the cause. Everyone knows what they're signing up for. And it's good to tease it out. So if you want to donate, by all means do, but wait until June and we'll do good. You don't know how to do that because we never let you know how to do that as well.

The website is worstideaofalltime.com and I haven't updated it for a while, but it's got a lovely little web player in there We never let you know how to do that as well. The website is worstideaofalltime.com. And I haven't updated it for a while, but it's got a lovely little web player in there where you'll find the latest episode of the podcast and there's a button above it that says support the troops. That's where you go if you want to donate to us or come June, the cause that we're about to pick. So thank you very much for the beer money.

That is greatly appreciated, Rob. You are a fucking legend. Here comes a biggin'. Hi, guys. I just wanted to send you a quick note. Well, maybe not that quick. To let you know something. I was a huge, huge, huge fan of season one.

And donated money a couple of times. Interact with you guys, etc. Season two, I was a little sceptical. But once I waited in the glorious waters of Sexton City with with you guys i was sold started a new job around the time season three started took an international trip and sort of fell behind i just recently got caught up and want to let you know that i think you guys are doing fine work i can tell this one is a slog and doesn't offer the guests and pranks of grown-ups to or the sheer ridiculousness and over the top plot of sex in the city 2 you've really had to work for this one i can tell you

just powering through. And though you may not feel as appreciated as before, you certainly are by your true fans. I will always think fondly of your last three seasons of work here. Lastly, I was very bummed to find out you guys did a live show in San Francisco. I'd been asking you guys to come here for two years, and I was in Scotland, it turns out, when you came here. Yeah, I remember this guy.

Hope to see you at another place at another time. Be well. And that is from a person who is, they've got, their last name is Smith. Oh, just the last name of this time. I like it. Thank you very much, Smith. Really appreciate that message.

Actually, very heartfelt. Do you remember that from Smith? I remember that was an agonizing moment. I'm just scrolling up here, and there's a bit of conversation around the word turgid. Always good. Yeah. That sounds like a Guy Montgomery word. That's a word I wouldn't the word turgid. Always good. Yeah. That sounds like a Guy Montgomery word.

That's a word I wouldn't be confident enough. It says here, Tim used the word turgid in episode seven when I think he meant terse. Turgid means swollen or congested. Terse means abrupt. Oh, yeah, this vaguely. This guy.

Yeah, it's in the recesses of my brain. Smith, here's the thing. The only thing that will stop that happening of you seeing Guy and I perform live is, and I don't't want to get too dark one of our deaths of the three of us because we are committed to continue to make things together servicing all of our fans come along to the show whatever the show is we don't know what it will be we don't know what we'll be like touring give you a wristy performing do anything man yeah we're all about that service thing we'll do anything for you uh but we intend to you know just keep going and things will change because guy is moving to another country uh it's called

america ever heard of it probably a lot of you are from there you're probably thinking tim of course we've heard of it we already already live here. Yeah, probably. But we will, you know, the boys remain. Oh, yeah. The boys. Boys forever. Things change. Boys, they stay the same.

They do. A lovely $25 donation came in from Tyler. There's no message attached, so maybe this is one of those ones where there's an email. I read a big message from Tyler Oh great A while ago So that's probably those two Oh very good Yeah

Yeah bud Relevant Friendzone content below Lovely Hey hey hey Guy Mr Guy Good boy Handsome boy Guy Mont Montain

French pronunciation Montgomery And Sir Esquire Timothy Theodore Terence the third Just wondering if you sweet Licious boys Are ever planning A jaunt over to Guy's mother

from another mother, Toronto, anytime soon. If you do, I'd love to make you almond and fig bread and feed it to you like baby birds. Or like just give you some. You can also stay on our air mattress because we all know how that goes. Anyways, love the pod. Listener since early in season one.

Sending you both a kiss for a kiss is always a gift. Love you boys. Say my name if you want it. Jameson Williamsiams jameson you gotta commit man if you put out there the idea of feeding us like a baby bird run with it yeah but if if you hadn't backed out i would have probably lambasted you for making such an unhygienic while still generous quite a forward offer i believe do you want to read do you want to read this one here, Tim? Oh, thanks, mate. How generous. It's just an article link. Yeah, but it's from... You threw me a real curveball.

Do you know what the article's a link to? Well, Zac Efron's in there. It's a huge development in the career of Zac Efron. He's going to portray notorious serial killer Ted Bundy on screen. Are you serious? Yes. This is like when What's Her Name played What's Her Name. Yeah, it's almost exactly like that, only we know the details.

Charlize Theron played the monster in Monster. Yeah. What's that woman's name? I'm not sure. I'm not a person listening, and it's frustrating you that I don't. Maybe. You'll live. Don't worry about it.

Well, we lived and worked. What do you think about that? It worked for Charlize. Is that how you say her name? Charlize Charlize Because everyone was like This woman is absolutely gorgeous

And then she played This transformative role You know As this Hideous figure in all senses of the word As a phenomenal actor She's transcendent Yeah

So maybe Zac Efron is transcendent And I wouldn't put it past him Guy's got comic timing And I always think People who can do comedy really well on screen can usually kind of do anything. I can't wait to see because he's like, he hasn't, I feel like he's always on the cusp of finding his like breakout vehicle. You know, the thing that's really going to, he's obviously a superstar, but I mean like a movie. Baywatch is a real Oscar bait if ever I've seen it, judging by the trailers.

But I mean like a movie star. Like Baywatch, he's in Baywatch, but Baywatch but baywatch is the rocks film yeah that's true so anyway good luck to you zach we know you're listening and please respond to our emails it would have been it would have been tremendous if he was at the live show that we did the other day right here in sydney because he was in he was in town promoting baywatch it wouldn't have been hard didn't happen no one relevant is hearing what i'm saying not as publicist not him we don't know that daniel writes boys i write to you unapologetically with aims to achieve a shameless plug for my own podcast my friend and i have 45 watches into our rip-off podcast in which we watch nacho libre on a weekly basis tomorrow's watch is our drinking episode uh and have pledged one beer per like and one tequila post per share on our

latest post what you do next is up to you like our post and walk away to talk uh to task us with another beer to drink do nothing and go on living your life. Or choose option three, which is share the post and put our fate in your listeners' hands. Our podcast can be found at El Mission Podcast on Facebook. El is about E-L because it's Espanol. P.S. You skipped our city on your Australian tour. But hey, don't let that influence your decision. All hail Coffee Dick, the pastor warlock from the feelers. I like Coffee Dick, the pastor warlock from the feelers. I like Coffee Dick, the pastor warlock from the feelers.

I... Dan, you haven't told us what town he's actually in. That's all right. This is also... Oh, no, sweet. Okay, I was reading the wrong bit. I thought he gave us this in Jan. Well, if you want to really potentially, you know,

kill a few people with alcohol poisoning, guys, head along to the El Mission Facebook page and let's fuck these boys up. Or don't. Your call. Yeah, I'm going to leave it at that. I'm'm not gonna take any active measures to contribute to your demise untimely judging by your photo you look like a young fella young fella with a heart of gold and a penis also of gold a body of gold for the son of midas is who you are dear tim tam and guidey locks i've had plans to

write and thank you good boys for the laughs that your little potty lent me for the last three years. I've been a fan since season one. A lot of season one fans coming out of the woodwork. This is great. And have now listened to it in eight different countries. Fantastic. Including your own,

which was the best idea of all time. It made me feel like we were real pals, even though I couldn't catch any of your live shows while I was there. I was inspired to write today because I was doing one of the most mundane tasks at work when out of nowhere I was hit in the face with some poo facts courtesy of Guy's 2017 calendar.

When I imagined what the person next to me would say if I explained why I was laughing so hard, it made me laugh even harder. What's your calendar? Remember once when we recorded an episode and then you had to leave and you were like, you can keep going or not. And then I did about 10 minutes of poo content. Did you? Yeah. Right, I never listened to that. I i read out a list of i was catching up on the calendar i gave uh sophie for for christmas which is a poo fact for every day and i was just reading them out to the podcast um so i was uh why are your themes to sophie so frequently

fecally themed what's the other one The badge that says I pooped today. Oh, that badge is just a good gag. She gave me one that says I'm farting right now. And we do actually talk about poo a bit. Weird. When I imagine what the person next to me would say if I explained why I was laughing hard, it made me laugh even harder.

There's been a cycle during the run of our podcast journey, and I can't thank you enough. Someday, when I have enough money to afford rent, food, Netflix, and charity, I won't think twice about the first I'll donate to my troops in new zealand slogging through shit movies to send back maximum enjoyment and hope to the home front forever fan laura from california you can say my name out loud even if your only audience is the knife ps i came home today and turned on we are your friends to celebrate the end of the podcast celebrate so sorry ps i came home today

and turned on we are your friends to celebrate the end of the podcast celebrate so sorry ps i came home today and turned on we are your friends to celebrate the end of the podcast you can imagine my emotional high when james reed from the feelers finally got sentimental all over my computer screen cheers for helping me limp to the end of my first and only screening your true heroes thank you so much laura for that lovely message absolutely gorgeous laura and uh tell us where you went in new zealand always keen to hear where the foreigners frequent when they're in our fine land. Probably the Big Smoke, though. It's where most people go. Absolutely.

Now, Tim. Yes. This is nine unread messages, which is terrifying. This is going to be, this is Friends on Obviously, we're coming after the live episode we recorded in Sydney yesterday. Yes.

And the content in this, you're going to read it, is very relevant to the conversation we had on that podcast. Oh, brilliant. Okay. Chris writes. You want to start from there.

Okay. I felt it was inappropriate to call out during your show in Sydney tonight, but I have information on ozone water purification. By pumping ozone into the water, it makes all of the dissolved metals fall out of the water and kills any nasties floating around too. The following is an in-depth mechanism for how the chemistry works uh what proceeds dear podcast listeners is a graphic which is showing um it's sort of like the what do you call those it's showing the process he was talking about it looks like yeah it i mean look to the untrained eye which is mine it looks like this distillation process is separating the oxygen and the hydrogen out and then reassembling it which doesn't seem right to me anyway we've got a thing and it says the one for metals is more than a page long so I

won't grace you with that but trust me it works got to use this chemistry degree somehow if not on you boys then who else also thank you for dealing with my spaghetti after the show i was a bit starstruck and if i get friend zoned somehow say my name you dirty whores sure well chris halt him but it's a lady chris judging by the photo or a fella named chris who's a big lipstick enthusiast. I was thinking today about like, I was, oh, she doesn't listen to the podcast, so I'm sweet. I was buying a gift for my girlfriend, for my fiancee rather. She used to listen.

What happens? Oh, mate, people jump off the boat. It's fine. It's no biggie. And you're marrying this woman? Yeah, good on her. She's got refined palate. It's the same, actually. Sophie used to listen to this woman yeah good on it she's you know she's got refined it's the same actually sophie used to listen to the podcast and then when we got together

she stopped fair enough too um so i was in a makeup store with jen fricker yeah picking out a prezi and i was like makeup would probably be fun i could i could definitely get involved with a bit of makeup if i ever do a job in the morning requires them to put makeup on me yeah i'll leave it on the whole day i don't i don't like other people like doing my makeup in the very few amount of times i've done it like for a little tv sketch or something i kind of don't like that because it feels very uh purposeful and and businessy like it's for a product It's for a specific purpose You would like it all for you

I would like to indulge in a bit of makeup For the artistry You know Muck around with a bit of lippy A little bit of rouge I used to love getting dressed up In makeup and dresses When I was younger

Yeah One of my favourite things I reckon a lot of boys do actually I can't remember wearing Like my mum's clothes One of my favourite Simpsons moments Is when Bart and Milhouse They all tarted up In like Marge's finerypsons moments is when bart and millhouse uh they all tarted up

in like marge's finery i can't remember that very funny uh onwards is the march so in closing chris thank you and i might start buying lipstick for myself i've got pretty good lips though really message here i don't quite know what the context is oh it's not gonna work very well uh is i can't i think it's for us for the adam sandbox is that what it's called the sandbox yeah they're doing uh they're recording our podcast much for anyway but we're not going to be able to do it sorry man too much going on but all the best to you, was that a request for us to join them for their watch? I'm so sorry, dudes. We haven't even gotten through half of the stuff we needed to do ourselves.

We had big plans for Sydney, seeing lots of people, and we saw some of them. And then we bought fidget spinners, and it really fucked the day up. Yeah, well, actually, in terms of productivity, yes. But in terms of quality of life, it did not. It was kind of necessary. I think we needed a bit of decompression. I figured out today I did the math, and tonight the show that I'm doing will be the 23rd solo hour that I've done in the last eight weeks or whatever it is. It's amazing.

Melbourne, Auckland, Wellington, Sydney. How do you feel about that? Real good. Yeah. I don't usually do that much in a row. It's good, eh? You're a bit more used to it, though it though eh you get out there and you bloody do the yard Sky Montgomery I do it all the time I have no idea how many times I've done my show too many really try and do a little mental arithmetic now and see how many times you reckon i've done it seven and five is 13 and 22 is uh 15 35 and 10 is 45 and three this will be my 48th time tonight far out out. That's gutting. Boy, you won't hit 50.

Yeah. Golden half century. I'll just put it on again twice. Yeah, good on you. Go to Christchurch with it or something, you know? Yeah, absolutely. Take it to the hometown. Chit-chit.

That's it, man. That's us. That's us. That's the friend zone. We've got to put a pin in it now. That's how it works, you guys. Thank you for joining us. Now, sadly, this would be, I don't know the order of release.

This is probably right. Chronologically, as it's happening, this is correct. I don't know how everything gets released. But this will be the last time that Guy and I are together in the same room for a little while because Guy's going on tour across a different part of Australia. I'll be in West Australia. There's going to be a lot of episodes where we're at different parts of the day, so we'll be having different emotional responses.

I'm sure one of us will jerk the other one around with timing at some point, which will make for a very good intense record for all the fans of Tension. And I'm really looking forward to it. And by the way, if you're in West Australia, even in a small outpost of Western Australia, look up the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow.

I might be coming to town. And for all the people who came and saw us in Sydney, thank you so much for coming out. You were a lovely crowd. Such a good crowd. Really nice. And to St. James who was sitting in the front row who you bought a skateboard off and who we sent a postcard to,

hey, thanks for staying on board buddy. Good on you. Way to go. Otherwise, have a great week, day, wherever we are in your life right now i hope it's going gangbusters hey and if it's not just like sometimes you you don't you're not always winning get a fidget spinner maybe if if you want it might help but also just like you know shit's not always groovy sometimes you just got to make do until you get to the good bits you know yeah yeah that's right and then the good bits will feel real good.

And the good bits are coming. The good bits are coming, everyone. Let the gentle spin of my fidget spinner take us out. Well, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone. And have a good time, yes, it's the friend zone. Thanks for listening to this podcast If you're thirsty for another Why not try Boners of the Heart

Mads is pointing to us each What do you say? Are you saying we're assholes? We're fucking assholes Oh okay the heart. I don't think I've got a very nice arsehole, to be honest. I don't really look at my own arsehole a lot. I've never received feedback on it. I don't think receiving feedback on your arsehole is the... But also I'm just nervous because there's been so much damage done to that area. I'm like, what if it is weird and I just don't know and I'm walking around with this weird arsehole and no one's got the courage to tell me. Okay, I think, so Mads, madge you gotta take one for the team i don't know i don't know what to say