The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventeen

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

Spindly Timbly Wimbly has been in the wars and his body is giving up on him. But that will not stop him offering a full troated apology to all in sundry for his unnecessarily agressive performance on the last episode. Guy continues to be thwarted by subpar European internet connections and your favourite hosts of a show where-they-watch-and-review-the-same-film-every-week-for-a-year have a big announcement regarding HOWL.FM! All this and more listener mail than you can shake a stick at [though technically, at what point can you NOT shake a stick at something because of its size? What a strange idiom]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com or on Instagram at littleempirepodcasts. Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the friend zone with Timbo and Guy Guy. Hello and welcome to the Friend Zone with Timbo and Guy Guy. Tim here in New Zealand and Guy, you? Amsterdam, the Netherlands, the home of Dutch people and foreigners actually. A lot of foreigners in Amsterdam. Now how does that work between Netherlands and Amsterdam?

Because I know there's a difference between the two, but they're used kind of interchangeably. No, well, the difference is the Amsterdam is a city in the country of the Netherlands. I meant the Netherlands and Holland, sorry. Those are just different names for the same thing. Are they? Is the Netherlands not like a bigger area? Are they the exact same thing? Yeah, they're spelt the same thing. Are they? Is the Netherlands not like a bigger area? Are they the exact same thing?

Yeah, they're spelt the same. It's a regular potato, potato. I see, I see. Didn't know that till right now. We're all learning. It's good here, Tim. You'd love it. It's right up your street.

It's right up your alley. Ah. Well, it's a pity I'm not there. To catch everyone up on... This is going to keep happening because the internet is shoddy as a nun's, isn't it, Guy? God, this is so aggravating. I can't wait to have a classic Skype call with my friend Tim Pat. One where there's less lag than what there is at the moment.

No, this is exactly what I like. This is what I target. I target weak European internet connections as a means of promoting big pipe. This is ludicrous. I'm just going to take the reins and fucking run with this one, Guy, because I want to fill you in on what's been happening

since last we chatted in the friend zone. Firstly, I almost feel based on the feedback of the last episode of The Worst Idea of All Time that I owe pretty much everyone an apology, mainly Ryan, and certainly you as well, Guy, and also not sparing the listeners for being quite aggressive in my lonely, drunken state. So consider this your apology from me, Guy. Tim, you needn't apologise. I understand it can be a challenging and trying project.

And, you know, you reached out, you grabbed a coping mechanism, whatever that was, some bottle of, you know, powerful and punchy spirits at the time. You know, and I don't judge you for it. at the time. You know, and I don't judge you for it. It's just, it's a professional hazard. Is that correct?

Yeah, absolutely. But I will note that I didn't go out with David Farrier, which I mentioned at the end of the episode and then completely forgot until someone brought it up with me online um didn't know what they were talking about they they kept saying did you go for that drink with dave and i was like i really do not understand what you're saying to me what this question is and they said at the end of the episode and i was like still have no idea or concept what you're asking here and then they were like d from Tickled you said you were going to have a drink with them or have I gone insane no I just completely forgot I did not end up going for a drink with Dave Farrier which turned out to be a really good thing because after the mystery like

ghostly shoulder injury which plagued me I had a bit of ibuprofen and I think that combined with a weekend in Wellington where I was doing lots of comedy gigs and not doing a lot of sleep and doing a bit of drinking with some friends, my stomach really turned on me in a Civil War kind of a fashion, where it decided to see how much hell it could rake up for me over three days. And very difficult to eat or actually move or do anything at all so today was my first coffee in four days and it was delightful and I'm feeling much better but luckily I didn't go out with Dave that night or else I may be dead now yeah it sounds like your body's really turning on you Tim it's really caving in on you have you still been running to the we are your friends soundtrack no no my knee was i telling you about my knee my knee's fucking out on me too so it's all gone to pot really i'm i'm considering winter

a write-off because it's winter in new zealand at the moment so i'm just going you know what maybe i'll just stop moving around or trying to do anything and wait for the warmer months and then we'll rip back into everything, eh? This is why the nickname Spindly Timbly Wimbly is so good for you because you are the spindliest, wimbliest Timbly. You're just, you're, you're, I look at you and all I see is skin, barely enough flesh to be stretched over your bones.

And you've made it a very long time in life without this having any serious repercussions or side effects and it's devastating to me to hear that they are starting to take hold yeah we're all getting older guy that's the moral of this story but i feel good i feel strong in the moment and um we're here to talk to our friends talk about our friends talk to all the lovely people online who get in touch with us. So should we kick off? Have you got any messages in front of you? I do. This is a lovely little number from a boy called Gregory Bolshe.

It's not his real last name. I improvised a cover for you, Greg. Hey, guys. Just finished season one of the pod and have to say, God bless you. You all have inspired a friend of me to start our own project best of luck on season three and good luck nursing that post episode 13 hangover Tim best Greg

Bolshe P.S. the picture is where I listen to episode 52 suspended my dorm at UCLA Godspeed lovely efficient message he started a project he didn't say what it was there's some good intrigue in there. Yeah, he's left us on the hook.

He looks like a good, keen dude. He doesn't look as comfortable as he should. He's in a hammock suspended between two bunk beds. He's wearing a T-shirt, which I think says very solid shirt, which is pretty funny. Excellent. And it looks like he doesn't have headphones

and it looks like he listens on a speaker, which is interesting I always listen to podcasts On headphones There you go I've got an email here From Morgan Who says

Boys You make a stellar podcast Come do a live show In Australia Shining light this week Is definitely the entire segment Regarding the high school Musical production

Lining the pockets Of people who hate theater classic stuff keep your spirits up for the long journey ahead morgues i would add that this was sent on july 25th so obviously that's referring to the alice sneddon episode which if for some reason you haven't heard and you're listening to this now stop listening to the friend zone and get that one in you because it is a doozy yeah it is a it is a real belter um that did you see someone tweeted out after that episode i don't know if we mentioned this previously uh who was like when you're listening to a podcast and the production you're a part of

is mentioned and i was like yeah what can you do you? We throw a lot of things out there. She was not holding back. That's true. Oh, Alice was, isn't she? Yeah, sorry. I thought you meant the person who got in touch online. I was like, did they start throwing some vitriol your way? No, no, no. Retaliation. They were just, absolutely, say what you want,

but don't actually, don't say mean things. Here we go. Here's one from Pep. Squared. things um here we go here's one from pep squared timbo odd compliment but i wanted to tell you how consistently impressive you are your podcast always comes out on time i can always count on it being in my podcasts it's consistently really funny and you consistently respond to your fans these things are really important to someone like me who respects diligence. You're a gosh darn professional. I really appreciate that that's addressed only to me,

to be honest. I'm not quite sure why our dear fan has made that decision to cuss you out. Well, I'm just trudging back through. We've had correspondence with Pep Squared since it looks like the 3rd of November last year and it looks like I took the reins initially in responding and then you started responding at one

point blaming your lack of affections on a Catholic mother and a British father maximum repression and then as we march on suddenly the correspondence becomes exclusively between you two oh there you go i have reaped my reward from a fruitful conversation with what was his name pep squared her name is pep squared oh her i beg your pardon sorry i don't see gender it's blind to me i just see the person you are truly an ally of all.

That is lovely, though, the consistency comment. And I would add, it's easy to be on time when there's no deadline. Like most podcasts have a specific day of the week they come out. You may have noticed by now, we definitely do not. We just try our absolute hardest to try and get an episode out a week and then get a friend zone up as well, which when you're in different hemispheres and continents, harder than it looks.

Oh, man. Yeah, but we're doing it, and that's what I like. And do you know what? We've had to do it every year. I make my annual pilgrimage to make life more difficult for both of us very very strange what we're up to um i'm going to rarotonga very soon so there will be um very interesting to see if they have much internet there for me to capture and put in my pocket uh here's an email from juliet dear tim and guy i've just watched we are your friends and i

have to start by saying it is hands down one of the most shit movies I've ever seen. I would say that you were right about the comparison to Citizen Kane in that there is minimal plot, all the plot points were completely unmotivated by anything prior in the script, and it focuses on the fulfillment of modern day American dream, becoming a newspaper tycoon and being a DJ in LA, respectively. My main question whilst watching was, how is it possible that Max Joseph based an entire relationship of Emily and Sikoli around conversations about consumption of food, brackets, beside the DJ mansplained scene, every conversation goes like this, wow, these pancakes are yummy. As much as I love the bland opening, oh sorry, bland opining on the relative flavor quality of room service

I don't think it makes for a great relationship however maybe that is what Zacoli knows best coming from the pasta business anyway best wishes making it through the rest of this season and never forget Skrill RIP your friend Juliet PS try to DM this on Twitter but sadly cannot as you do not follow me but here's my handle if you want to PPS, shouts out to my friend Olivia for introducing me to the podcast back when you were sadly watching Grown Ups 2

every week, it got us through a lot of freshman year of college and made us laugh a lot in public places, hope you read this on the friendzone and it will be a huge surprise for her Juliet, done Nice one, I missed out about 3 seconds of that message you read this on the friend zone and it will be a huge surprise for her juliet juliet done nice one i missed out about three seconds of that uh message near the end but what i did want to say is that juliet it was funny and that's something i find very heartening is when the people writing

in are funny people i love a bit of humor it reflects well on our um our audience and then we can grab a bit of that reflective glow as well huh huh? I like that. You've got to love that. I like that almost as much as I love the chunky pauses in conversation that I'm experiencing with you right now, Tim. They're delicious and tasty. You throw a message my way, mate. This one comes from a man who will simply be known as Maverick. He lives in Minneapolis. In regards to the new friendzone checks conversation no one in the United States

still uses checks we use electronic forms of payment just like the rest of the world ha ha ha ha ha wait is that the whole message correct so is there I don't know because tone's so hard over text

is uh is Maverick for real Because Tone's so hard over text. Is Maverick for real or is he being sarcastic and then laughing self-deprecatingly at himself as an American? I can't get a fix on it. I definitely superimposed a slightly sarcastic read on what was otherwise just a correctional message being like, Hey guys, just so you know, we don't just use cheques here. And he's in the middle of America, so I mean, if they're using electronic payments, surely it's made it to the coasts as well.

Well, there's two ways to take the ha-ha-ha. He's either laughing at us for getting it so wrong or laughing at himself for being in a country which seemingly is is right there on the tip of modernity yet uh somehow still using checkbooks deny deny how to interpret that one a third theory still maybe he was just like in the middle of writing his message and then something funny happened and he just started writing down his laughter and left the computer um that is a good wrinkle i like that what do you think the thing

would be he looked out his window and he saw a squirrel chasing a nut that was tied to a helium balloon and the squirrel got the nut but then became entangled in the string and started floating away that's right and uh it reminded him of squirrel from from We Are Your Friends. And he was like, oh, isn't it funny how the universe sort of drops these symbols? And isn't it amazing that this real-life Squirrel will achieve more than the fictional Squirrel did in the movie? Because this Squirrel, in some ways, if you kind of scale it, will become an astronaut going into the sky, going where no Squirrel has ever been before. I don't, yeah. Here's a message.

Go on. I'm not going to let you finish that sentence. Here's a message from Oliver. Hi, Timbo and Coffee Guy Guy. See what I did there? I want to pose a question to you both for the friend zone. Kill, fuck, marry. Lenny Kravitz, Carrie, and Zicole.

Love every moment, love every day oliver well it's short i'll give him that yeah um i don't know if i want to accept this uh parameter that he's he's set for us i gotta be honest with you Tim. The connection cut out as the parameter was being laid out. So please tell me again. The parameter, version 2.0, kill, fuck, marry. Your options, Lenny Kravitz, Carrie, and Zicoli. Lenny Kravitz, the fictitious character, Carrie, Bridge, Bradshaw, and Zicoli. A hybrid of Zac Efron and Cole Carter from Where Are Your Friends. Look, I mean, ideally, I'm real curious about fucking Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah, same. I was definitely tending towards that as well. In fact, not even tending. I will all out say on that list, Lenny Kravitz is the dude I want to fuck. And do you know what Carrie Bradshaw and Carrie Bradshaw

is as we established through last season as and this is not a reflection of Sarah Jessica Parker who in interviews has said she found it

challenging to play Carrie Carrie Bradshaw is a real piece of work yeah not a fan uh Zacoli or Cole Carter he's not a good guy zach efron seems to know his way around

a good time split the diff and you've got probably a more successful marriage than most of the the world yeah i'd have i'd i'd half have sex with both of them and then half kill both of them and then they'd find each other recovering in hospital and be like, how did this happen to you? And they'd say, oh, Guy Montgomery. And they'd be like, we must seek revenge. And then you got a spinoff to two movies at once. Fuck, you went real dark on that.

I would follow what you're putting down as well. I would kill Carrie, but only just by process of elimination because I think Zicole would be a happier marriage interesting that as a straight man I decided to kill Carrie and she's the only female on the list read into that

what you will interesting guy Tim I can't wait for you to wake up and read a think piece all about where you stand on gender and sexuality. Hey, guy. This one, yeah. Sorry, before we all get into the next piece of fan mail, I've got an important announcement which I've remembered and it's flashed in front of my brain a couple times

and I'm so scared I'm going to forget to put it on the friend zone. But an important thing has happened and is happening and that is that season one of our podcast is now available on Howl yes that's a big deal

I forgot to get a code from them so I'm sorry about that but if you go to howl.fm all of the information is there it's an amazing uh subscription podcast service that's got all the airwolf guys and uh it's got a lot of comedy specials on there as well um some amazing shows amazing that's right uh both like the mysterious secrets of uncle Birdie's Botanarium. Yeah, a lot of old sort of back catalogues of your favourite podcasts,

but also a lot of exciting new content. Some stuff you won't get anywhere else. Oh my God, I hate this fucking thing. Yeah, they've got a lot of exclusive stuff, Oh my God, I hate this. Yeah, they've got a lot of exclusive stuff, which brings me around to the big announcement, which is, I guess, this side of it's not that positive,

but it means season one of our podcast will quite soon no longer be available through the regular channels because we're throwing it over to HAL. So you'll be able to hear season two and the current season unabated, if that's the right word. I don't know if I have used the right word there. But if you want to hear season one from I think August the 24th onwards,

you'll only be able to get it from Hal. So do with that information what you will. But my recommendation would be to go to hal.fm and at the very least start a free trial uh of how and discover just how much bloody awesome comedy content is on the service it's uh under five bucks a month don't you know or 35 a year i'm reading here which i think is less than five dollars a month if you get a yearly thing yeah that is less unless there's seven months in your year because you

don't abide the roman calendar this one comes from molly clear hello friends as a middle school teacher desperate to be the cool teacher who shows movies in class i've unwittingly entered my own personal worst idea of all time i didn't realize how horrific it would be to watch 50 minutes of the same film eight class periods in a row. I'm about to begin a new school year with 180 students who know me as the cool teacher who shows movies in class. Any advice on how to maintain my cool teacher status without ripping the flesh from my face over the agony of watching the same section of a movie all goddamn day?

Thanks for being friends. Molly, the cool teacher. I'm afraid I may not have completely understood the situation. Is she watching Grown Ups 2? Do we know what movie it is? I think, so Molly teaches, I think, like a, no, no, no, it'll be some sort of movie that is a text for a class to learn about, so maybe media studies or English.

Oh, I see, I i see i think instead of teaching people of several different age brackets or maybe she just uses one reference point to teach everyone so she pretty much when she's teaching the movie is teaching it to every class every day so she just watches oh boy the same like 50 minute bracket of movie say there's six periods in the day six times in a row in one day which is almost more torturous than what we're doing i definitely think it is because you don't get to take fun angles on it because you've just got to teach the curriculum um you're screwed molly um no there's your fix i don't know superimpose your own to do for you superimpose your own themes and backstories onto the movie that you're showing.

I'm sure the filmmakers had a plan. You've got a bigger one. What is it? How do you share that with the pupils? You remember high school, though, Guy? It's all memorize this, write this down on a piece of paper and hand it over to an assessor and get your certificate at the end. They don't like creative thinking.

Stifles the creative mind. They don't like myriad interpretations of one film. They want a single interpretation of the film. That's how you get points and graduate. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that part of my life anymore. Me too. Sorry that couldn't be more uplifting for you molly but you're in a predicament um yeah you guys right make it a challenge for

yourself make it the challenge that you have to think of interesting um stuff but you also have to keep it in your head while teaching to the curriculum how about that i think that's a good idea tim i don't want to be rude but because of the lag in the Skype, this friend zone's really giving me a headache. Like, I feel like I'm having three different conversations with you at once. Then let me read one more piece of fan mail, if I may. Yes.

Hi, Timbo and GuyGuy. I quit Facebook recently, so you're getting an old-fashioned email. A little backstory. I listened to all of season one. Loved it. I went to the finale in LA. I got about 20 episodes into season two. That one seemed extra difficult for you guys, and I'm going to be honest, that made it difficult for me. Although I still laughed to myself about how Guy thought that the feeling you feel when you hit a bump, that feeling when your stomach turns, is what it feels like to have a vagina. I re-listened to that part three times

and had to pull over while driving because I had tear-filled eyes from cry laughing. This brings me to season three. You guys are absolutely killing it. Every episode is perfection. The episode with Alice was so amazing and prompted me to write this email. I've been going through some shit, aren't we all? And this podcast makes me laugh out loud often. And Friendzone is great. I'm interested in pitching in for that big mansion you guys were talking about. I'll help make pancakes in the morning. I listened to both episodes of Boners in the Heart and loved them.

I'll keep on that one as well. Take care and Godspeed, Lindsay. Oh, David. she gave me permission to say the first and last name that was in brackets lindsey david oh god i was and we will wait customary love the message very curious about your approach to making pancakes what do you mean you're going to help make the pancakes pancake making is a one person mission you don't need any more than yourself to do that it sounds like you're a slacker and you know there's no time for in this hodgepodge lifestyle

slackers fuck fuck this friend zone are you there guy yeah I'm here are you there you can't see on my end what's happening is just like it fades in with little brief bits and what i heard is it sounds like you're a slacker which out of context of whatever you said before it is quite harsh considering how lovely and heartfelt this email was so uh in some ways i I'm glad Skype's doing what it's doing.

It's giving me these interesting little flashes of what's going on in Guy's head. That is not incorrect, Tim. I've got to say, let's put a pin in this one. We'll be back next time with a powerful internet connection. I just want to say, the beauty of it is

that what you, the listener, will be able to hear is both sides of the conversation crystal clear and that's what I love about this you're like the omnipotent godlike observer while we fallible mistaken flawed man

try desperately to communicate to each other in the tower of Babel thank you very much for tuning in to this friend zone. We'll talk to you soon. Go get a Howl.fm trial membership, and I love you. And this, we're going out with a theme music remix sent to us by Kirk Lindsay. Thank you very much. Goodbye, guys.

See you soon. You're going to play that Dastardly intro. Ow! Kirk Lindsay thank you very much goodbye guys see you soon