The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventy Eight

Episode Date: December 22, 2018

Guy and Tim say hello to some friends, goodbye for other friends and ‘Please get off your phone’ to potential live comedy punters. How’s Tim? How’s Guy’s literary knowledge? How high were the boys when we recorded Prawn Salad? Well, let’s find out! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy, because making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to the 77th ever friend zone. How about that, Guy? Well, you know I love it. Step right up you know i love it tim that's uh by my count at least 77 friends uh as you know the backbone of each of these episodes has been one beautiful piece of correspondence or engagement with um our friends so we have made a minimum of nothing else, 77 friends along the way.

And you, Tim, with due respect to those listening along, are the closest of them all. And I haven't spoken with you properly for a week or so now. What's happening in your life? Tell me a nice thing that's happened in the last seven days. In the last seven days. thing that's happened in the last seven days in the last seven days uh went for a run yesterday it was good it's the best thing that's happened to you well i did all the good stuff that's happened is very boring to i'll tell you a good thing

that's happened but it's going to be kind of boring and technical to talk about but finally got an offer um for a comedy festival to do this real freaky show that i've thought of which uh is going to be a chat show so hopefully that's going to be happening next year i thought i wasn't um going to be doing it that's great was going to let me yeah and uh tentatively it looks like a lovely little slot at a lovely little theater. So stoked about that. Still married, man. So happy about that. Fuck yeah. Fucking real stoked on that.

It's a good time. Love, love. Love, love. You gotta love, love. Oh, and number three, to cap it all off, I have a walkout boy coming to stay with me

from tomorrow morning for a couple of days. None other than Nick Sampson who belongs to London now, but he's going to, um, he's going to crash with me. That's the sort of detail I'm looking for. Cause I could hear it in your voice.

You're excited about that. There's a youthful vigor to the idea of a friend saying, you're going to get up to some mischief, you know, like you'll drink one more whiskey than you otherwise might as you stay up and just shoot the breeze. Talk about the state of the world, your where you both stand politically personally comedically absolutely that's exactly i'm gonna throw i think i'm gonna throw in a party i'm gonna throw a party because

nick's here and because we haven't had a party yet and our house is such a good party house for summer but the weather here is what i been talking about this has been ballistic absolutely so this morning because it is the last week has been crazy there was one of the wildest thunderstorms that's ever happened in auckland about two days ago there was 155 lightning strikes inside six minutes it was astounding i um was it was uh doing a little bit of this is going to sound dodgy if I say, doing some work with some kids. So I was volunteering at a school because that's true.

And their fucking bell system got taken out by a lightning strike. Lightning strike hit the school and burned out the circuitry so the bell doesn't work anymore. That is some crazy ass shit. You know, they say lightning crashes and you mother cries. Was there a song about a...

Her placenta falls to the floor. Is it about a stone birth? The angel opens her eyes and the confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door

shit I didn't actually know but I'm reading ahead on the lyrics and I'm not going to sing any more of the song because this is a place for celebration yeah yeah yeah keep it up keep it up Keep it up. Keep it up.

Well, I've been spending a little bit of time with friend of the podcast, Becky Lucas here in Los Angeles, California. I'm so sorry, guy. Let me ask you. Tell me about your good times with Becky Lucas. Look, much like your times with Sampo. Just great to see an old friend. We've had some laughs. We've had some meals.

We've had some drinks. We've taken advantage of the recently relaxed or you could say corrected marijuana laws here in Los Angeles and just been generally having a wonderful time. I do fear for how much your color is being charactered by your weed references every episode of our podcast now because we kind of had a decision early on first couple of seasons we were like we're going to smoke the weed but we're not going to talk about the weed and then at some point at around

season three i think we were like you know what these these these beautiful bastards have been with us long enough it's time to be honest with the good funnily enough we were high the whole time the worst season i i'm not too worried about it I feel in my personal professional life it's well under control do you think I reference it too much do you think I'm coming across as a bit of a nerd nah

not for me and you know what if it's called by you and called by me why am I even being concerned about it I'll tell you why because we're in the friend zone yeah I suppose so but no rest assured I'll tell you why, because we're in the friend zone. Yeah, I suppose so. But no, rest assured, I've been having a great time with Becky. You going to any

shows, mate? You been seeing some chuckles? I've seen shows. I've done shows. I've got to do a show not long after this, actually. That's tremendous news. Yeah. I'm going to do some jokes. I did a joke.

I opened with this joke at a show the other day. And while the set went well, this didn't. I said, it's great to be here in Los Angeles, California, the City of Angels. And looking out in front of me, it's pretty easy to see why, because I see 50 angels. And, I mean, you know, your reaction down the line is a pretty fair representation of how the audience interpreted my sort of,

because I guess it sort of straddles the line between being uh you know like cynical and earnest and so i think it's just like a weird thing to say it's right on that line isn't it but rest assured uh i was i was otherwise funny and should we stop talking about ourselves for one fucking hot second so i can read out this piece of correspondence please i would love literally nothing more well literally it starts thusly my dudes i was working my way through the back catalog of brilliant alice phrases podcast and we're totally surprised to stumble across episodes featuring old Timbo and Guy Guy. Yes. As much as I love hearing you talk about piece of shit films,

it was super interesting to listen to you go deep on topics you don't always hear comedians talking about. And that's what I love so much about Alice's show. Anyway, the point of this message is that I'm sure I'm not the only person who'd like to hear more stuff like that when you do it. So don't keep it so quiet. Yeah? And that comes from Chrissy. So to Chrissy, I say, absolutely. We can do a better job of keeping people informed.

I think Twitter is probably the place where you get the widest cross-section of other projects and things that we're doing. But for those of you who would like to listen to those episodes, the podcast is called Tea with Alice. And it's a fun podcast to do. You cover a wide breadth of topics, and the conversation follows wherever it goes. So Tea with Alice, and there's a whole stable of episodes that aren't even just with us. Alice is very smart, and she is interested in a lot of different things. So it's good wide-ranging chat.

I think I've been on it twice over the years. Yeah, actually, now you mention it, I think I've done it probably like three times. I think I've been on that show probably four times now, just going over to Melbourne for the comedy festival run. I feel like every time I run into her, she's always like, it's very important that you've done it more than Tim.

So I think if that's true, then i must have done it six so sorry so sorry yeah no i'm i'm mistaken i've done it at least um seven or eight times at this point t with alice absolutely i should have brought that up actually no one guest is that interesting it's too many i've got a donation of 10 us dollars and it comes from aaron uh he says no need to say my name listening oh sorry hearing season one for the first time how can i not pay the boys again can't wait for this year's death blood all the best and if that doesn't date this message nothing will he didn't write that i added that in yeah i figured as much thank you so much ten dollars always appreciated fuck what are you gonna spend your five on He didn't write that. I added that in. Yeah, I figured as much. Thank you so much. $10. Always appreciated.

Fuck. What are you going to spend your five on? Coffee. Fair enough. All right. Follow your lead. Coffee and a croissant. Had a fantastic butter croissant yesterday.

Apologies to the vegans, but butter. God dang it. I've been thinking about going vegan for a while. The one thing holding me up is cheese. Join the line, mate. There's a line of people who are considering. I've been thinking about exercising. I've been thinking about working harder as well.

Hey, boys. I wanted to send a quick message of love and support to you both for the amazing work you've done on this podcast you fucked me up just you man well done you you go on you've been a companion with me through the highs and lows of bouncing around the world relocating i also saw you in melbourne where i brought two friends strangers to the podcast along you may remember us as one of my friends decided to look up if johnny depp was actually and we are your friends on his phone in the front row and quite rightly got told off by guy anyway hey hold on for a second before you go on with that can i ask you something guy as a

professional comedian because i was in i can't remember what i was talking to i was in a situation recently where they were um i think it was a comic actually, we were talking about this. They were like, it's, you know, tail end of 2018 now. I think live performers of comedy are going to have to accept phones being out in shows now, like that it's part of it, especially live podcast. Who was I talking to about this?

They said like at live podcast shows because people will want to like join you on Twitter or whatever, or like tweet at you. live podcast who was i talking to about this they said like at live podcast shows because um people will want to like join you on twitter or whatever or like tweet at you but as a performer it just looks like a distraction so where do you come down on this are you are you virulently anti-phone uh i'm pretty pretty anti-phone stand up especially um i mean i i think i try and do it when I'm watching stuff on a screen at home as well. It's like nothing, certain things I guess that demand live interaction, but nothing is made to be consumed

with a split brain, I don't think. And I've performed on shows now. Send podcasts, of course. Yeah, I've performed on shows now where people are on their phone and if it's like sometimes you acknowledge it and sometimes you you don't it is it is a new reality but i'm i'm against normalizing it i'm against like as a performer being like yeah i guess we just have to accept this is how it is like i will still be outspoken and against it but

um if i'm going through the paces of a joke or my work and someone's on their phone and it's not impacting what i'm doing or distracting the people around them then i'm just going to leave it fuck imagine if that's what separates us from the new dogs now that we just stick our heels in and everyone under the age of okay well when you frame it like that tim it becomes terrifying uh sorry, sorry, continue the message. Not at all. Anyway, the most important part of this message is directed towards the person who turned me on to you guys, my cousin Michael, who tragically passed away recently.

I'm not going to say when, but he's provided the date, but it seems to be by the by. At the tender age of 36. Oh, man. I'm so sorry to hear that. I have given him and, in turn, myself so much joy over the years, and as I listen back through Season 1, it takes me back to some of the good times with him. Thank you so much for filling both our lives with light,

and thank you for helping me through this difficult time with him gone. Thanks, boys. I can't wait to listen to your next great adventure lots of love george you may say my name and also as before my cousin's name is michael uh well george our condolences first off man that is that is way too young to be saying goodbye to your... Sorry, it's his cousin, eh? It is his cousin. Man. I couldn't agree more. But at the same time, glad to provide whatever small moment of light and respite we can through previous endeavors and endeavors going forward i hope that you and your family uh spending a lot of time with each other and uh

feeling okay about the wicked ways of the world death's really weird man and you get reminded of that particularly i think when younger people die like before their time it's just it's weird it's weird man i'm actually it's not actually weird it's always been there but we've kind of like we relegate death to this weird zone and we don't we don't talk about it which is so bizarre because it's the one inevitable thing we need to get some better attitudes about death man well maybe just i do but anyway my sincere condolences for your cousin to go on the record uh and say i'm against it yeah um not as a blanket rule but you know in instances such as that described i'm i'm not and say, I'm against it. Yeah. Not as a blanket rule,

but in instances such as that described, I'm not afraid to put a flagpole in this and say, I'm against people being taken before their time, vehemently. Yeah. It might be a controversial thing to say, but there it is. You're a true brave hero, um well yeah no on behalf of myself and guy we do we send our very best wishes to you and your family and uh and yeah absolutely we're glad that we could be part of some of the the lighter

happier moments um here's a brief little email from a person called jay jay emails and says thank you for watching grown- Ups 2 so many times. This is a strange thing to thank someone for. I can't wait to hear more commentary of the movie. Instead of watching, maybe you should host a table read. Your commitment to this nonsense is hilarious. Keep on watching. So, interestingly, that feels like a message we could have received in,

oh, I don't know, pretty much any month that wasn't January in 2014. But we've actually received it in very late October 2018. So clearly Jay has been catching up on Season 1, which has been released back onto the free internet for everybody. And you'll be happy to know, Jay, there were two table reads, one of which was actually recorded and released. I assume you've listened to that now as well, featuring vocal talents including, oh, I don't know,

Melanie Linsky, the herd of her, Two and a Half Men, Busy Phillips of her own recently released chat show, A Galaxy of Stars, read our silly script that we wrote from memory of the film. So enjoy that. And it's sitting pretty fresh in the feed right now so uh feel free to dive by the time this comes out though guy it's all you know the time zones are all like still pretty fresh though it's still right up there

but it's right up it's recently loaded in the chamber it's called the worst scripted event of all time i'm i'm pretty sure there was another one as well a table read that was not i don't think we recorded it but it was a fundraiser we did in the um in a community hall in auckland to raise money and that featured some some huge names as well but more local stars like die hemwood and rose mutterfield it ran for a whopping four hours that right. I forgot about that. You lost your absolute shit. You started screaming at everyone for us to get through this. It was hell on earth. Oh, I remember it.

Simple question here from a listener in Brisbane. How high were you guys when you recorded Pawn Salad? Funny thing about that is a lot of people have postulated we were on... Is that a word? Feels like it might be. We were on like Mushrooms or LSD or something.

I don't think we actually know with certainty what we had, but it was a cupcake. I do. It was a cupcake. Pretty sure it was hash hey yeah hash but it must have just been a lot relatively speaking because podcast or no that was i would say the upper reaches of how high i've been and can be it was it was just a very i don't know the conditions were right we were you know we were in each other's company we were tasting success i think the the numbers had

just started going up or something like that it was very late at night i think it was after a party maybe at our place because that's why nick was asleep on the couch next to us and it was just like man how about this how about it yeah how about them cowboys uh yeah dallas yeah it's an old saying but i think it applies to the cowboys of podcasting who we were at the time um there was a short one but I've got a really nice little moment here, if I may indulge. Yeah. Dear boys, every ad I get on the podcast is a dramatic anti-paramilitary ad, taken aback at first and very put off in the following few times I heard the ad.

I've since become desensitized to it. That's good. I now begin my own journey, parallel to yours, whereby I learn to love the paramilitary ad, and eventually the paramilitary's within it. It ends with me getting an IRA tattoo on my ass cheek. Persevering for you good boys in memory of your bravery that comes from emily so here's the interesting thing about that well i'm experimenting with trying to

not make myself bankrupt by dedicating this amount of time to podcasts and not getting paid for it so we're experimenting with a few different things uh one of which this year is having ad supported podcasts because this this content is received for free the company who um chucks those ads and this is kind of i see it as a benefit but you might have you know bug or feature it's up to you we have we're very hands-off the ads someone else just slots them in and it's based on the ip address of where your device is detected as being from so if there's only like one advertiser that signed up with the company in your neck of the woods you're gonna be hit with a paramilitary ad every fucking time so that's just how it is that's the new that's the new the world that's where we are so i don't know i don't know what to tell you

enjoy it and you know ads are ads treat them as you always have would that be fair to say yeah absolutely you're a very fair level-headed guy tim um have you got anything you'd like to say there timbly wimbly jimbly and

guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy

guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy

guy guy guy guy guy guy guy I'm slowly catching up

having got left in a boggy patch and we are your friends I think one of my boots came off and I got a sock wet but I'm hopping along quite happily now

I've just listened to the Patreon Double Down episode and wondered if Neil Breen is actually a modern day... I'm going to screw this up because it's Spanish. Can Vitez, I think. And Double Down is rewritten Don Coyote. Don Coyote is presented as someone who has read too many romantic novels about chivalry

and has gone mad. Don Breen's character is someone who has watched too many romantic novels about chivalry and has gone mad don breen's character is someone who has watched too many action films and read too many baggy linkedin posts braggy sorry linkedin posts about people who are computer geniuses who are brilliant at everything and so he has also gone mad the whole of double down is a point of view unreliable narrator delusion as don slash neil breen charges about misunderstanding everything he sees and tapping data into dead uh laptops and old phones he has found you are good boys you are brave boys i will go and seek out the buttons that let you hashtag pay the boys and eat tuna

out of a can say my name say my name william Bishop Stevens. God damning small town. Interesting. United Kingdom. How about that? I really like that take. Don Quixote. Yeah. Is it spelt Q-U-I-X-O-T-E?

Yeah. How are you supposed to pronounce it? I'm not sure, but it's a famous literary oh yeah i know yeah i haven't read it but i'm like familiar enough with the uh with the reference but the author the night it's it's actually this is probably quite easy to pronounce but it's c e r v a n t e s uh cervantes yeah cervantesantes have you ever read it? no I feel like I've read a book with

like a I don't know I feel like it's been in my orbit before but I think unless you're really willing to put the work in I feel like reading books of a time with a certain language and style it's like unless you're fucking doing it for academic reasons or you're broken through the initial challenge of like the you know i remember i got into reading

uh charles dickens briefly and it's like once you're in the world of it it's amazing but uh the period we were trying to get in we were like oh can you just fucking take it easy with all these words? Yeah. They were written as serials, and he got paid by the word, which is why he's such a ludicrously... His output is so like...

All of his books are so big and prolific. He's like... Would you say they're over bloated as a result? Some of them, yeah. But it's a good time. Do you think they're bloated? Sometimes. All that to say, not read the book, The Road to Hell is paid with good intentions.

I'm sure that it's on a bookshelf somewhere in a house I once lived in. I paid $8 for it and hoped it would impress someone. I think he thinks windmills are giants and he kills a guy because he's so caught up in his own fantasy, I think. Yeah, I think he's like, he loves to fuck around and he loses his, yeah, he slowly, his mental state deteriorates.

Anyhow. Who among us doesn't love to fuck around, eh? Puh. That's what I'm talking about. Say my name, bitch! Alright, Willem. I will. Tim, you big beautiful man. Was that you

on a very responsible mode of transport? A lime scooter charging elegantly up Williamson Ave at around 6.50pm this evening at time of the message. Totally. Undeniably. I shouted, Tim!

But the man who looked just like you kept going. I then yelled, Tim! a second time because I was really sure it was you and I couldn't let this opportunity slip. And he turned around. Please can you clarify whether this was the real Spindly Timbly Wimbly or some charlatan

pretending to be someone who looks like you on a lime scooter? Nah, definitely me me i've been getting into those recently definitely me generally speaking i um have headphones in like at all times i'm either jamming some tunes or smashing some potties so if i'm out in the world um i am uncommunicable that's definitely not a word i made that one up but the amount of times that mates of mine have been like hey man saw you on the street literally screamed meters away from you your name and you didn't respond i'm like yeah did you see the earbuds in there dude it's not going through it's amazing i haven't been hit by a car yet to be honest but know, that's me touching wood.

Anyway, the answer is yes. Eric writes, dear fuckboys. No, he just says fuckboys. And then he says, dear Tim the Cuddlebug Bat and Guy the Fondle Monster Montgomery. Your one sounds worse than mine. Scary title, yeah. I have just finished listening to episode 33 of season three. You boys be the best fuck boys.

Thank you. And Tim, holy shit, listening to you and what's his fucking being the devil and all that symbolism and shit. It was giving me flashbacks to growing up in a tight knit Christian community. I live in damn Tim. You could give me, you could,

uh, you could give childhood me a sermon that would spoke me into never touching my dick or thinking about the fermented forbiddance i fucking hope you don't know where i'm going with this but i wanted to let you guys know i love you and it took me almost three hours and a million more of your bomb diggity podcast to fucking find your email address that might be because of all the alcohol going through my system love and good wednesday night without the wife there's a scant um punctuation here guys so i'm just kind of assuming where there should be some commas and full stops where there are none p.s i got unreasonably standing distraught when the first knife so horribly was stolen away

from you but knifey too you are the patron saint of my soul oh no no one you're gonna be you're gonna be heartbroken pps i'm sorry if this isn't the right email to reach both of you but goodness knows i've stopped i've stopped on the first one i've found sorry for the length lots of sweet juicy love eric redmond alston lots of x's and o's and in between them some k's and also some g's and f's and then at the end the word cuck that's a good sign off good on you eric god bless you man yeah that was a great bit of correspondence please if you are on the lash uh and feel the overwhelming urge to get in touch, you don't need to proofread that. Just fire it through.

Fuck. Absolutely not. And I love that. I don't, like, necessarily publish my email address, but it's online just enough that we get all these letters. People can find it. Absolutely. I got one more, and then shall we?

Let's close it off with that close it off for now pinch off the log that is the 77th friend zone with this beautiful message hi legends sorry a bit late to the party having only recently discovered your awesomeness ed keverley from australian radio put me onto the podcast anywho i'm blasting through season one grown-ups two at the moment points to note so far after having to watch the movie out of intrigue pure disappointment by the braden summertime shot that's been spoken about so fondly and really didn't reach the heights i was expecting oh no uh sorry about that we didn't have a lot to latch on to in the in the desert that was the movie that was an oasis of

something interesting i have actually i i've i can't remember when a while ago i checked in on the subreddit at reddit.com forward slash r forward slash t w i o a t everyone jump on there shit's popping off at the moment saw some people posting like pulling clips from the ones that we've said we like and posting on it and some sort of conversation starting where they're like it's really quite interesting and grave to see the stuff that they gravitate towards like because of course they don't have the surrounding context that we do but yeah i mean i'm sure as standalone bits of art these aren't necessarily the beacons of hope that we describe, but we're working with limited resources here. Anyway, the second thing is after only eight podcasts

and my one and only viewing of the film, I unwillingly develop the habit of showing shock or disbelief listening to my clients' stories by shouting, What? Oh, no. What profession is yours? Pistol work at a tattoo parlor Quite concerning At the time, but luckily enough

It has passed Anyway, to get to the point I'm stuck in episode 45 on iTunes I can't find from 46 to presumably 52 Am I going crazy? Thanks for your time Chris Olsen from the Gold Coast Who works at what day did

that come to you guy sorry can you shout out his business again olsen tattoo um it's late november late nov i i don't know why that would be the case um i feel like it's been resolved for everyone else so maybe delete it and re-download the app that you're using do a re-subscribe or something turn it on and off situation but thank you so much Chris if we were getting tattoos

from you and you said what we'd be delighted but we're probably in the minority of the population absolutely and as for you Tim love to talk to you have fun with uh boy sampo i've i bloody will i just so you know as well guy you're not the only man in town doing a show i forgot but i'm actually emceeing a show in a few hours so i should probably go and uh find out who's on the bill get ready for that yeah absolutely and seeing as we are talking

about shows just quickly while we're here uh if anyone's listening along in new york city i am hosting a show on the 20th of december at union hall called uh guy montgomery presents i'm friends with these people uh in which i host an array of the best comedians in new york uh and insist that they are my friends uh will they reciprocate or will they be evasive as they were in the previous iteration of the show I hosted? Only time will tell. But that is on the 20th of December. It's a Thursday at Union Hall in Brooklyn. Please come along if possible.

It's like a real-life friend zone, but I'm not there. And if I have remembered, which hopefully I have, the ticket link is in the description of this episode. Love that sound. Love the enthusiasm. Always great to talk to you. Now go out there and go rough them up, you son of a bitch. You got it, friend. Tim and Guy come to the friend zone. And have a good time, yes, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time.